Katie’s Arms 24 Nov #BlackFriday dramabananarama. And the wrong Steve

Make it we made it so sorry for the late start uh no excuses obviously except that look at look at the state of this I’m in a state of disarray uh lovely Mark just messaged me Good Luck birdie which means birdie where are you although lovely Mark knows that he’s not

Allowed to watch this so lovely Mark I see you I see you go and go and do something useful this is the Glamorous I got lots of things going on here to show you Black Friday shopping I’ve had a situation which I’ll update you on this is my

Glamorous Katie’s arms glass I’m trying to show and that is supposed to be that literally looks like bad early morning pissed look at that that’s that’s supposed to be white look at it that’s supposed to be white M white mine that’s supposed to be white wine that does not look right does

It okay so cheers okay so cheers The Show Must Go On hello he really is lovely Mark yeah he is it’s really really annoying everybody loves him oh I’ve got funny stories hold on let me write down I’ve got to REM remember to say this credits

For the um credits for the standup video there’s been an issue with lovely Mark so so many things to tell you don’t even know where to start so let’s see what you’re saying Southampton is here wrong white wine yeah and then white wi white wine I haven’t drunk a thing yet uh is

Always wrong in my opinion but particularly this look at it um I’m not convinced that’s not PE I know except you know I’m not be grills and I’m not on one of those stupid programs where just for the ls they drink their own piss like as if they really need to

Survive by doing that oh lovely Mark just messaged doesn’t care that I’m in the middle of this boys weekend 15th to the 18th of March do I care nope what should we do 15th to the 18th of March everybody should we go and have funsies should we organize a Katy’s

Girls night out in a city somewhere and dance on tables because if Mark lovely Mark and his boyfriends are having a weekend well then we might hello from exmouth ah Liverpool yes exciting times coming in Liverpool we’ve been offered an amazing venue so I think lovely March

Just trying to pull that together um but I’m very excited for that Plymouth is here and Birmingham York says hi hello York this is so fun um Katie did you see one lady called a Starbucks happy Black Friday oh I see Starbucks worker thought that was racist happy Black Friday do we

Have a white day no of course not no no you only get half points obviously for being white anywhere these days um and lots of love to everybody in Ireland uh particularly Dublin after all that’s gone on outrage obviously that people are being labeled far right I only

Apologize all I can say to you if you’re being labeled far right for doing something like ooh sticking up for your kids not being stabbed in the street by some Maniac Algerian who’s been allowed into our countries through illegal roots and should never have touched his single

Feet in this country and yet we won’t just throw them out because we’re pathetic um if you’re being called far right for example please don’t concern yourself you know when you think about it I’ve been called far right for what 20 years more and all it turns out to be

Far right all you have to do is kind of vaguely stick up for people who are just trying to be nice work hard look after their families that’s far right so all I would say about that is as with all other labels people can stick labels on

You all they want can’t they really people have always done that you know conspiracy theorist antivaxer whatever just cuz that someone sticks a label on you doesn’t mean that’s what you are and really if you engage with them and go I’m not this you’re never going to get

They’re never going to be able to unstick that label because it’s in their head you just got to wear it and show that you aren’t that thing through actions or deeds or words or the way you live your life and I don’t actually believe uh or necessarily agree with

People that say well I can’t be racist because I’ve got a black husband you know I don’t think that really helps our uh argument if you know what I mean like okay great you’ve got a black husband you know good on you in all ways but

Equally what do do I have to have a black husband not to be racist is that the only way white people can prove that they’re not racist the most racist people that I can think of are the people that organize black lives matter honestly truth bombs

Because until then I think we were all just getting along pretty fine was fine everyone was fine black lives matter made everything an issue made people terrified of offending black lives matter and that was done deliberately let me tell you my issue so apart from the fact that this 100% might actually be

Pissed hold on oh by the way yes if you don’t know what this is this is Katie’s arms it’s our online Pub and we meet here uh on Fridays at 8:00 and the idea is that you’re at a pub and it’s a little bit difficult when I’ve got a styrofoam

Bloody cup with piss in it normally I have red wine and lots of it um and we all meet up and we all have laugh and everyone here says hello uh love your post thank you um try to buy tickets for Blackpool ask my son to buy them yes I

Was supposed to tell you something lovely Mark said to tell you stoud so I don’t know if you remember but we had a big thing in stad where some idiot people tried to stop us being in a pub doing what we’re going to do that’s right our venue pulled a pub said yeah

Do it here we’re at the pub and then some idiots came and tried to shut that down and the landlord stood by us well we’re going back to stad in January and lovely Mark has those tickets up I believe on the site and we’re going back there because lovely Ken the landlord is

Going to sell up but we want to go and thank him before he goes and have a lovely night together in stra so stra tickets I need to tell you wokingham we’re returning to woking him in January just to say thank you to that lovely venue this is really about a gathering

Together but also thanking venues that were really early on board with the whole Speak Easy and the tour and the other one the really the exciting one that I really like is Bath um because in bath we literally just have a handful of tickets so I’m literally going to be sat on people’s

Laps but I think that’s really really great oh [ __ ] so um if you’re on in bath and you’d like me to sit on your lap I mean I don’t mean that in an overly sexual way I just mean that we’re doing a tiny tiny venue

In B let me tell you a couple of my issues um see you soon in Bournemouth oh my God so Bournemouth is the Christmas special which has been sold out for ever and uh we’re going to go full Christmas I will do a video about Bournemouth uh

Close to the time but we’re going the theme is Christmas Naf so anything over the toop Christmas proper old school Christmas um I want people to come in there’s going to be a prize for the best uh Christmas outfit uh I want people to come dressed as inflatable reindeers or inflatable

Somethings or pedo pedo Santa no I don’t think that was very good roll back on that one don’t come as okay well you come as pedo Santa but don’t don’t bring a child so yeah so I want the Christmas special to be super Naf British proper tradition we’re going to have carols

We’re going to have um we’ll get Mariah Carey going we’re going to have festive outfits we’re going to have I think we’re having a knob prize I can’t remember what the knob prize was for but I definitely want one so Bournemouth Christmas special I’m already super excited about it I keep

Issuing instructions to all the boys like we need inflatable light up bobles like in the middle of the night we need you know I need a prize for the biggest [ __ ] and the boys are all like yeah okay Katie so uh what shall I tell you next let me

Tell you my dilemma so you know I’m on the road and Katie we’re drinking all alone sorry I apologize I’ll drink some more of my cat’s piss God damn it could clean the Lono floor with that um oh let me tell you my dilemma so I go into

Victor so I’m in Miami do we know that I’m in Miami Miami yummy and here where I am in this particular area is all young people they’re all Cookie Cutter people they’re all in their yoga they’ve all got outfits from Lululemon Lululemon and they’re all in their yoga outfits 24/7

24/7 Lululemon this is all we wear well I am here it’s all we wear we only wear Lululemon and we basically we work in a sort of triangle so we go from Lululemon where we buy a new Lululemon outfit and then we go to Soul cycle where we do a

Cycle class spin or something you know it we get a little bit sweaty just here between my fake TS just here in my perfect stomach and maybe well no that’s it then I do my makeup maybe have a facial Lululemon ssy girl and then Starbucks where I’ve already got my

Order waiting for me because I do the same order every day so that’s where I am in Miami this is what these people do and they all live in these incredibly I’m looking up at the top of the one next to me incredibly tall buildings like they live in apartments like

Rabbits in hutchs and then they just live in their apartment in their puffet little life puffet and then they come down theyve got a financial husband who just pays for everything and they come down with their Lulu Lemon and then they have these pissy little dogs because

They’re never going to have cats cats they’re never going to have a baby because obviously you know the vagina is a Sacred Space you have to conserve your energy so that you look good in your Lululemon and that you can Soul cycle because if you have a baby maybe you

Won’t be able to sit on the saddle of your soul cycle so well or if you go to LA Fitness what’s the other one here what’s the other really fancy um Lululemon what’s the other fancy uh American gym not LA Fitness is equinox Equinox yeah so we go

There and maybe go to Publix as well they don’t speak like this cuz I don’t know uh and then they go to Starbucks and they’ve all got a pissy dog and the pissy little dog is about the spur and they go around with their little pissy dog with their little outfit and their

Tit tap that’s it that’s this is literally this is what these women are I’m like that I just want to [ __ ] one of them in the face just like straight in the street just for just to kind of ruffle a feather just just to just to

Knock them off kilter their lives are so small these women here in this and literally they just do this it’s called is it Brickle they literally their lives I could put them in the palm of my hand they just like oh Lululemon Soul cycle Starbucks reapply my lip gloss

Lululemon it’s the weirdest [ __ ] you ever did see and you’re perfect all the time perfect perfect I ran Mark I was like it’s mad it’s mad they are out of it’s like living in a movie here it’s the weirdest [ __ ] it’s the weirdest thing anyway let me tell

You my dilemma so the girls not to like I don’t want to give away private things about my children because you know I don’t talk about my children but I need to give you a sense so I need to bring back some I love bringing back presents from America

America so I go into Victoria Secret and I’m getting pants right pants for one daughter very different from pants from another daughter but for a laugh and just to wind up well just for a laugh really because you know being a mother it can be a bit boring can’t it

And it can be a bit of a grind and you can be judgy all you want you know judgy judge judge judge right you judge away Darlings because frankly I couldn’t give one shine [ __ ] what you think um about my mothering cuz I’ve kept the bastards

Alive till they’re 19 and 18 so frankly you can judgey judgey judge and let me tell you something else I never made a [ __ ] fruit Kebab in my life so if you’re a fruit Kebab mother and you believe that you can only breastfeed a baby and you probably got one dangling

Off one of your hairy nipples right now you know I’m just suggesting that you just [ __ ] off because we’re not going to have much in common I respect your choices you don’t don’t respect mine so you know so I bought these for my daughter I don’t even know what they are

I don’t even know how they work right so this is a sh look at this glittery and then I think this bit goes up your ass right this bit doesn’t it and then I think this bit the gusset oh isn’t it a relief we don’t have to see Angela Rippon gusset

Anymore I’m not I know I’m not back in the UK so I can’t watch strictly anyway but like I just think overexposure to Angela rippen’s gusset I know she’s old yes I know yeah brilliant well done well done and I know she can still kick her

Leg way higher than like I never did a leg kicked out High I will never be able to have that flexibility like you go girl but there’s only so much of Angela rippen’s crotch I need to see you know what I mean if I’m watching strictly in

My gym jams with my glass of wine and my cheese just don’t need Angela rippen’s crotch wedged in there you know what I’m saying um you’re not going to get it no you’re not going to get those in there a you know nothing goes on in here I hope

So I bought these for my middle daughter who’s basically me and then I think so that bit goes up your Bump and then this bit this bit look at this look at it it’s smaller than my nose so this bit is supposed to be the bit that goes in your that hold that

Holds all of your you know let’s move this away from my daughter let’s make this about young people in general okay cuz I it’s a bit weird isn’t it this bit here look at it supposed to hold all of your Bitty bits like all of your all of your

Situation is supposed to go in here I’m telling you now this would barely hold one of my you know I would need two of these either side so anyway I brought this inappropriate underwear because it will set her dad off and um this is the other

One I got her this is even better I I can’t work this out For Love or Money I don’t know which way it’s up nor down but somewhere in here there’s a pant here here here look at that how fun is the Kebab wallet yes I

Get you I hear you yes I need more of I need more of the um full Pitter what do you put a kebab in what’s the flap thing called is it a Pitter I need the full full flap so anyway I also got her this now I also got lots of other pants

And things and a sens I got sturdy pants as well for other people so you know don’t you know but I’m not I’m not saying don’t don’t judge me cuz [ __ ] judge me or you want why would I give a [ __ ] get to the desk right girl says

Lovely girl and she’s obviously under stressed with all these [ __ ] ass women being demanding and I’m just like oh thanks so much so she’s like do you know what you spend $5 more you get a free bag right CU just grab just grab a just

Grab a lip I mean I’m like $5 that’s quite a lot but she like just grab a thing like grab a thing so I grab a thing right and the thing is this I don’t know what this is particularly it’s called lip gloss here we are Peach

Morang flavor lip gloss so that when you’ve been to L lemon then you can just go grab your Lip lip gloss grab your lip gloss and then head to s or maybe to Equinox Gym do some working out anyway so I grab one of these right

So then it comes with a free bastard bag I don’t want the bag I’ve got to go and get the bag now haven’t I hold on I’ll be right back okay so it comes with comes with a free bag right I don’t even like I don’t like tarton I don’t

Like Nicholas sturgeon she’s [ __ ] right now by the way if you haven’t seen the headlines it’s brilliant I always knew it was coming I don’t like red Tartan so she like here this is your free bag right so I’m like oh I hate red Tartan so so now I’ve got a [ __ ] bag

I don’t want and a color I don’t want but I can’t waste it because you know I’d feel badly cuz someone would like it maybe you would like it yeah you would right then get this I have one suit you know how how light I travel should I go

And get you my suitcase cute though that’s what I’m saying see if I bring that back I can give it away at the Christmas thing let me just get my whole suitcase for 5 weeks on the road one second so this is my whole suitcase for five weeks on the road right I

Literally don’t like I say I don’t do luggage hold on I’m just going to throw it super sure the people downstairs enjoyed that so um so now I’ve got this bloody bag and then guess what she says oh so yes I know use it as WRA for a gift

Yes but I’m in America and I’ve got to get home so then she goes and guess what comes with the free bag guess guess what comes with the free bag at this point I’m like there’s a line behind me I’m trying to kind of like disappear in a British way because

I’m like you know I’m like middle-aged lady in underwear shop there’s all these hot Likei she goes a blanket she reaches down I don’t know how because what is she standing on is she just standing on a mound of blankets and she’s actually 2 foot three right your hotel looks more upper class yeah no actually it was cheap but they

Were um they voted me the nicest are I wasn’t going to yeah okay well I’ll just tell you now because I’ve started so um so they voted me the nicest customer um that they’ve had because I was kind of polite and so they put me in

This room I know so that was really sweet anyway I wasn’t going to I’m not trying to you know humble brag it’s just that you’re saying my room is nice just want you to know it was just because some nice people behind the counter said that I was kind um so she

Goes yeah a blanket get this right what what the [ __ ] am I supposed to do with this that is more luggage than I have brought with me for five weeks on the road raffle it off Tartan I know I don’t like Tartan reminds me of the ginger dwarf from the

North look at the size of the [ __ ] thing you know what my daughter said give it away at one of your shows yes I I know I can get rid of it but I have to get it home and it fills up the whole suitcase so I told Mark look okay

I can’t throw it away cuz I feel badly so I’ll leave all my clothes here and shoes and I’ll bring it back that way lovely Mark was like oh great let me show you something else that’s funny give it to the front desk as a gift that’s a great idea I could

Wait for the boys that put me in this room and I could give it to them to give to their wife daughter whatever good let me tell you some other thing that happened this is Black Friday related so I already abandoned because

What I do is as I go on the road I I you know I leave things to the road because um I don’t I think possessions are overrated I think owning stuff weighs you down and I believe when you’ve had sufficient use from something um you

Should let it go so my my trainers God Almighty I’ve worn them forever and I bought them last so I wanted to buy new trainers so I left my trainers behind in the old hotel room and then I bought new ones today but get these These are the

Ugliest ass trainers I ever saw in my whole life why are they so big now I’m telling you they’re amazing right they’re literally the light as a thing I had to buy them because they say zoom on the side and um you know when you see those dogs doing Zoomies I I

Just love the whole Zumi thing and I like to say that I go for Zoomies so I had to get them but look I could move these are bigger than my suitcase also but these come with some sort of technology in them they’re called Invincible but over here they’re like 140

Instead of being like loads in the UK they they’ve got something in them and what it does when you put them on your feet it does that you do this so it literally when you put them on I’m not joking I had a funny five minutes in the in the store there

Children were laughing at me in there by children I mean staff someone’s saying [ __ ] n yeah okay fine uh that’s fine my husband feels the same I put them on and they literally tip you so they tip me off and off I Went they literally make you go so I was trying them on and then off I went across the store because they make you go so then I had to sit down and hold my feet up and the the child was like what are you doing and I was like well they

Make your feet go and he goes yes yes ma’am that is the design of the trainer yeah that is how the sneaker Works ma’am yeah they’re designed to tip you forwards I’m like all right I’m just having a funny five minutes praise the Lord praise the Lord

Yes maybe you’re oh sorry maybe you’re believing you’re being serious so anyway I was stranded on a sofa in Nike because I couldn’t put my feet down because when I put my feet down in these I just go so then I had to buy them it’s been exhausting people okay

Can you believe that’s nearly half an hour gone hold on the magic trainers they are I will update you on them when I actually go running in them but I suspect I may not be able to return home because they just keep going the only way you can stop them going is by

Getting them off your feet I know it’s crazy who comes up with this [ __ ] I don’t know um yes one last sneaky story quickly cheers by the way everybody cheers you survived another week cheers you survived another week we’re getting towards Christmas I’m excited and next time uh for Katy’s arms I will

Be oh actually we may have to move next week’s Katie’s arms I’ve just had a thought about where I think I’m going to be and you’ll love it but I can’t really talk about it yet so we’ll update on that so let me tell you this one last story quickly you go

Farest go far harest quick story I’m working on so so the camera dudes are working on the edit of the blackp show to put up online I’m supposed to send over the credits and I thought it would be fun like credit the theater that’s really important credit

Because they stood next to me when everybody else was cancelling right so that’s that credit the sound and Tech boys because I love them they were the Freedom Tech boys they did trafala square that day if you were there um they got hearts of gold so they’ve got

So Tech production Big Steve and Nicki Nick that’s my names for them so they’re on there like that so then I thought right I better credit lovely Mark so I put ktie Hopkins Productions because everything’s now Productions right that’s so I put oh no I credited

The camera crew uh Oracle so that’s big Phil and his what did I say big fill in his massive crew cuz we had eight camera man there so then I thought right I’ll credit lovely Mark so I did ktie Hopkins Productions right as the as the credit and then I put

Lovely Mark and his mighty [ __ ] this might not be funny I found it very funny uh and it relates to Blackpool performance cuz there’s a part of the performance where I’m talking about what I needed in life you know that that it took me 50 years not quite

50 but you know of research to work out that what I actually need in life you know is a strong man naked with a tool belt and a massive [ __ ] and so I sent the credits off to the edit Suite with lovely Mark and his massive [ __ ] and then

I accidentally copied in the wrong Steve and I sent the whole email to a really sensible Steve who works in a really sensible industry being really sensible and who in my past more business life you know I did some fairly sensible things for yep

I could tell you who it is but I just think I need to leave it there but all I can say is he’s a very sensible person and I basically sent him credits crediting lovely Mark and his massive [ __ ] so aside from that my life has been very conventional very normal I’m

Fitting in perfectly here in Miami and from here I might just go to lul Lemon I might go see let see if I can do a class at Soul cycle maybe apply some more lip gloss and just go and fit in with my little dog take the little rat on a

String for a walk once around the block cuz that’s as daring as my life gets here in brickl in Miami okay did he reply yeah the sensible guy replied he told me I got the wrong Steve that he was deleting the email okay be thankful you’re not me

Remember if ever you think God my life is going a bit bit weird you know remember there’s always me out here with my hairy nipples and my issues yeah okay and I’ll see you next week we might have to go Thursday I think I’ll I’ll find out what’s happening with what I

Think I’m doing and I will have proper wine I know that for sure okay much love to everybody um and you bloody go go on go on go on this weekend get off this thing get off throw away your phone and bloody go on live it okay speak to you later