Mock the Week (Series 15) EVERY SINGLE ‘Scenes We’d Like To See’ 😂 Jokes On Us

A hilarious throwback to the most classic Scenes We’d Like To See moments from Series 15 of Mock The Week 🎙️

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okay here we go the first subject is commercials that never made it to air Mr muscle loves the jobs you hate apart from [ __ ] he doesn’t do [ __ ] I used to wash with Dove but the feathers came off and the Beak was scratchy pepper Army it’s a bit of an an I’m guessing the anus four hoof marks and a large pile of Pooh that’s the sign of the black horse Mega buus the only bus company endorsed by dar oen [Applause] links for when you want to smell like a [Music] virgin are your pets so wonderful that they’re actually tiring you out have a break have a [ __ ] [Applause] cat Tesco penis extensions because every little helps at De we’ve kidnapped a John Lewis penguin and if you don’t shop with us we’ll kill him petty egg collects foot shavings like a bastard Abby has strong teeth Boundless Energy and a shiny coat she’s the best prostitute in London [Laughter] baroa start the day the right way with luminous piss there’s now a free gift at the bottom of every box of frosties type two [Applause] diabetes Uncle Tom’s rice like Uncle Ben’s but a bit more racist crack flavored Pringles once you pop you really can’t [Laughter] stop have you been in an accident that wasn’t your fault ah bad luck okay the next topic is unlikely things to hear in hospital welcome to the Jeremy Hunt [Applause] wi of of course the influence of private companies hasn’t affected the NHS just ask my colleague Dr [Applause] Pepper and your cancer specialist today is nol Edmunds don’t worry Mr Thomas you won’t be on that trolley in the corridor for much longer we’re taking it back to Tesco to get our pound back [Applause] I’m afraid we’re going to have to pull the plug because it’s wedged really high up though he’s gone into cardiac arrest get the deflator the deflator the def oh it’s too late he’s dead yeah no I spoke to the person from nhs111 and they were just really helpful the good news is your father is comtable in fact I’ve been sitting on him all [Applause] morning okay let’s call the time of death at 4:15 he’s not dead yet but it’s a Friday and if we leave now we can beat the traic for goodness sake Mr Wallace please take your penis out of there that’s not what organ donor means this is the discussion group for people who’ve broken bones welcome to Snapchat now we’re going to need to put you to sleep so I’ve got two tickets to see daro Brien live in [Applause] Belgium is this admissions good cuz I got one I shagged your wife uh the good news is we’re ready to take you into the the the bad news is it’s a theater in Brussels okay we need to shock him stick your finger up his ass we’ve given your wife gas and air and by that I mean I farted and the nurse opened a window things you wouldn’t hear on a kids TV show Thunderbird are go is what I shout at orgasm no laa I’m afraid you’re not tet tuby you’re Telly obese and if you’re not careful you’ll get Telly diabetes don’t ask your parents permission before your phone those dicks Alon say no and on today’s Horrible Histories a 1970s episode of Top of the pops right young wble today we’re going to destroy the Wimbledon Tennis Championships and get rid of all this dog poo from the common get yourself a golf [Applause] club well if you’re not having an affair whose square pants are these well things are hotting up in balamore Arch you is been [Applause] radicalized well miss hulie I’m wondering if I’m going to be regretting this job in 14 [Laughter] years Mr Tumble you’re 43 gr for [ __ ] [Applause] sake Johnny’s dad said do your revision so Johnny left school and entered the Eurovision song contest daddy bear said somebody’s been sleeping in my bed and mummy bear said it was probably your [ __ ] [Laughter] Linda just uh three more Blobs of glue and that’s a massive [ __ ] balls there and the janitor would would have got away with it too if it hadn’t been for the photographs he’d taken of those pesky kids yodel delivery driver Pat yodel delivery driver Pat he’s throwing your parcel in a [Applause] hedge and now it’s time for our resident band of children violinists please welcome the kitty ERS and Now Peppa Pig is a recipe on Saturday kitchen let’s see what’s happening over at the magic roundabout yep more dogging and just remember your blue Peter badge can get you in free at over 200 strip clubs and lap dancing establishments [Applause] look giggle piggle it’s the ninky NK oh the N Olivier said my Hamlet made him weep like a little [Laughter] [Applause] girl okay the next topic is on lik to here at Euro 2016 Wayne Rooney’s come out covered in in for Mah I think the managers told them to play as a unit Rooney is playing in the pocket oh that’s unpleasant and England go through on [Applause] penalties and the French mascot is seven-year-old Lucien DUIs from n showing us all have to smoke a cigarette with real Panache there oh that is an absolutely shocking decision by the referee black shorts black shirt I’m sure the girls will agree with me way too matchy matchy let’s not forget that Roy Keane and Martin skirtleopard that is an absolute Beauty Swedish about 25 Well Done Dirty Dave on camera five the England front three are trying to get in behind but the Wags are having none of it and the crowd invade the pitch and the French officials have surrendered oh did that cross the line seemed a bit races to me well next for us it’s Iceland turkey and when that’s defrosted it’s England Slovakia and Russia have gone for a 433 7 8 10 1 96 formation we’re never going to get out this alley well let’s look at the stats in the first half I was responsible for 90% of the cliches and that really is the icing on the cake and the sweds are out he really should have worn tighter shorts so who’s up for the World Cup in Russia guys guys there goes Ronaldo down the wing doing what he did a minute ago and he’s slightly slower this is the replays now go well they say cometh the hour cometh the man and I have I’m just off to get some more pants on likely film trailers referendum 2 will keep doing it until we get the result we like from the director of Batman versus Superman a heartfelt letter of apology for wasting our time tantrick sex the movie not coming soon the new all female Ghostbusters the CGI looks amazing because we saved % on actor wages sep platter and Donald Trump star in Despicable Me [Applause] too thanks to an unfortunate typo it’s the most one-sided action film ever Allan versus Predator [Laughter] just when you thought the service couldn’t be any more appalling Southern rail present Snakes on a train The Avengers go to prison they should have asked the Age of [Laughter] Ultron the greatest trick the devil ever played was charging nine quid for fanter and popcorn it’s a [ __ ] lot is it in his most important role to date Danny Dyer is emilene Pankhurst me the rest of these charts is pissed off the sequel you hope they would never make the Martian too 101 dull Martians one man stands alone it’s labor the film it’s the autoerotic asphixiation Thriller Die Hard 50 Shades of Gray the heartwarming story of of a jazler in an old folks home [Laughter] in a land where nothing costs more than a pound it’s pound [Laughter] land referendum four now ant wants to leave [Laughter] [Applause] Deck Michael Gove is David Cameron’s best buddy in Quentin Tarantino’s the hateful mate Harrison Ford is 73 and he’s back in Indiana Jones and the tricky patch of ice outside the post office in a world where they only sell PCS it’s PC [Laughter] World very good okay next topic unlikely things to hear on a makeover show look Gowan I know you trying to build my confidence up and you can stop grabbing my tits and shouting bangers welcome to changing rooms this one’s in the laundry department at deim I love what you done with the bedroom guys I love the neutral colors I love everything all the new furniture but what have you done with my bean bag those 20 Grands worth of Coke in that well why do we call it DIY SOS because I have accidentally staple gunned my penis to this staircase welcome to straight Eye For The Straight Guy where the advice is always spray links on your crotch Mrs Patterson says her downstairs is a little damp don’t worry Alan titchmarsh has that effects on a lot of women your age when Susan approached us she was overweight she had terrible hair and her self-esteem was at rock bottom but now thanks to our team she’s got a new kitchen this bathroom really is looking Exquisite now we have laid Moroccan tiles on the floor we’ve used accentuating tones on the walls and over here we’ve put a brand new [ __ ] well he taking a lot of work a lot of sawing and a lot of drilling but finally the shed is finished and Jeff has somewhere quiet to masturbate in oh wow she looked hideous before didn’t she oh that’s after sorry oh we just did a spruce up really you know we dusted got rid of the cobweb sorted out the curtains downstairs and uh yeah I’ll probably shago now well I mean I absolutely love it I love the wallpaper I love the way you’ve knocked through it’s just one thing I actually live next door I showed this couple from Sussex a delightful little semi earlier and said if they touch it I’ll do up their [Applause] house what your hair needs is volume and lots of body so here’s Brian blessed why did you give me more [Laughter] teeth unlikely things for a sports commentator to say and there you have it Andy Murray has won his second Wimbledon thank you for watching I’m Tim Henman this is the worst day of my life let’s see what the batsman does with this ball he’s nicked it give us back our ball well he’s really got on the end of that he has hit that ball a long way long long long way back into the crowd that is that is Dreadful [Applause] snooker Rooney toadi back to Rooney to vard no neither of them can open that packet of sandwiches [Applause] and the results for the Russian doping tests have come out I must say those are some good drugs so lovely to see quiddit finally in the Olympics look at all their proud proud virgins usually Bard hits the back hand that is a fantastic shot well done the cameraman low angle perfect view of a knickers so you join us here for the opening ceremony of Rio 2016 and the stadium is rocking mainly because they haven’t finished building it yet yes this gr Prix has been cancelled but I’ve managed to catch a wasp under this paper cup [Applause] that’s a bull’s eye and you know what that means I won’t be buying a pie from Gregs again Michael Roy takes out the drive Uber aren’t going to be happy about that look at all these athletes in Peak physic iCal condition if I could see just one of them naked I would die happy rejected exam questions if Maria from Russia combines epidrin with Oxycotin will she win her next tennis [Applause] match was Elizabeth the first no then who did you lose your virginity too if I had have two balls in this hand and two balls in this hand how am I going to explain this to the Board of Governors what is the role Adolf Hitler and the Nazis played in keeping the History Channel on the air if it takes John’s girlfriend 14 minutes to walk to the train station then why are we still getting ready which of the following is a qu by Winston Churchill a we will fight them on the beaches B godamn I love these peaches [Laughter] [Music] [Applause] [Music] C if you buy four apples for £10 stop shopping at weit [Applause] tros if the borrowers never returned anything they borrow why were they called The Borrowers and not the fing little bastards history who were the liberal Democrats welcome to the telekinesis exam you may now turn your page over with your mind British citizenship test question one who is the leader of the conservative party and now how about now if a man can make £400,000 a year as an estate agent why is he wasting his life setting exam questions while locked in a Loveless marriage in less than 200 words please describe your plan for brexit please anything will do literally anything which of the following is a quite by Winston Churchill a we will fight them on the beaches B godamn I love these peaches so I can’t do that laugh too much I love God Dam I love these paches so much predict the next number in this sequence 1966 question 1066 when was a Battle of Hastings biology take the dead rat and dissect it remove its head and nail it to the canteen door as a warning to other rats which is bigger 52% or 48% that’s democracy get on with it [Applause] which of the following is a f [Applause] f okay the next topic is things you wouldn’t hear on a train the next station will be Wimbledon change here for overground underground and wbl in free the next up for this train will be waterl it’s not meant to be but the brakes are failed yeah I just want to tell you I’m on the train no everyone else is doing it thought I’d join in hello this is your driver speaking Choo Cho now an announcement for the people who insist on sitting the way the train is moving cuz sitting backwards feels weird you’re weird this train will shortly be arriving in Taunton please remember to turn off all mobile phones lest they mistake you for Gods this is an announcement for all passengers piss off the lot of you this is cross Ral due to Britain leaving the EU this train will no longer stop at Ashby de lauch Bing Bong could the owner of a missing xylophone please make their way to the guard’s carriage this anoun for the passengers who are complaining that this service is late can I just point out that as this is Southern rail you’re luy to be on a [ __ ] train at all Bing Bong this is the bullet train service 2 Tu it everyone off with the driver please contact the Guard we’re doing 120 you don’t seem to be in the cab mate [Laughter] please mind the gap between the timetable and [Applause] reality there is a quiet Carriage on this train for those shocked into Silence by the price of the ticket oh don’t get off here I was listening to that oh my God oh my God I’m scared of tunnels I’m so scared of tunnels the boys going to add here and jams unlikely lines from a children’s book Mr stubbon wouldn’t leave he was the elected leader of the labor party I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow you Keith Vaz as ndy looked at his new friends rampant rabbit and Linda the love egg he realized he was in a very different kind of toy town and all the animals of Buttercup Farm celebrated cuz Percy Pig was going to the slaughter house and they never had to listen to that whiny little bastard again [Applause] and the Beautiful Woman was cursed to sleep for a hundred years and that’s your defense is it Mr Cosby she didn’t do this don’t boo her I’m Paddington Bear from Peru said Paddington and if you show me where the toilet is I’ll po out this condom of cocaine it’s the absolutely horrific follow-up to Netflix and chill swallows and Amazons and was there a happy ending well the prince did love massage parlors I will never tell you my name you will have to guess my name said Rumple stiltskin really holding up the Cure at Starbucks from under the bridge came The Voice of the troll w women can’t be Ghostbusters send every day Jack and Jill have to walk up a hill to fetch just one pale of water but for just 5 a month oh it wasn’t a giant peach after all thought James as he watched The Big Friendly Giant put on his swimming trunks he pushed aside the clothes and there at the back of the Wardrobe found a magical land of nipple clamps and [Laughter] Lube there’s an Indian in the Cupboard I think he’s hiding from ukip oh well come on I’ve been in this cupboard for bloody ages [Applause] okay the next topic is things you wouldn’t hear on a quiz show you’ve already used your 50/50 to narrow down the options to a in or B Out Mr Cameron are you sure you want to ask the [Applause] audience well in that round on sexually transmitted diseases you passed on four we asked you for things that start with an e you said a great night out with the lads welcome to Britain’s only quiz about birds of prey fingers on buzzards please here at the chase we just want to reiterate that our Chase is not called the dark destroyer for any ethnic reasons now please could you welcome my new Chaser R the head wobble a Patel so the final round on oap quiz is sudden death boom welcome to ege heads well we couldn’t call it smug Pricks could [Laughter] we welcome to Tipping Point for people who are too thick to follow the chase name Keith Vaz I mean Jim occupation MP I mean washing machine salesman I’m afraid we’re going to have to take your first answer so let’s see if the capital of aeran is [ __ ] the Fino is that your final answer I’ll marry someone else then well at the end of this week’s episode of University challenge the scores are Durham 170 exitor 145 but of course the real winner is ivo’s Dad hu at home who got two questions right and is going to bang on about it for the rest of the bloody week well we’ve given the contestants their meth and sent them to Hampton Court Welcome to The Crystal Maze My Chosen specialized subject uh your wife yeah you heard me I’ve started so I’ll finish well that was the banker and he says he thinks you’re going to accept this deal because in his Bo box is your wife well today it’s Kelly Brooke and Joey essic versus Stevens Hawking and Fry this is [ __ ] pointless lines you wouldn’t hear in a TV detective show these dots these DS what do they mean inspector Mor [Applause] look I’m sorry PUO but brexit means brexit sir welcome to Midsummer officer Patel on entering the house we found a feline jammed into a xerox machine we think it was a copycat crime welcome to Baker Street Madam it seems you came from Seven Oaks via watero and you bought those shoes in silages and you are here because you fear someone is stalking you sge I’ve searched all his pockets and there’s no sign of the stolen butt plug blood skin fragments of bone why did I order the sausages and according to the coroner’s report he had his head removed and a wedge of lime shoved down his neck sorry that’s the Corona’s report you’re arresting me for playing chess in the road it’s cuz I’m black isn’t it oh it’s Elementary is it you saky [Laughter] prick I think going undercover at the strip joint is a good idea but is it really your thing Miss marel there is some semen at the crime scene what can I say I love forensics well I tell you what Watson how about this what you saw the crime and I’ll ask all the stupid [ __ ] questions this week on the bill an unlikely suspect someone who could act the Bloods have come back from the lab but the Crips are held up in traffic I’m so sorry for your loss Mrs Trump now first ly can you think of anyone who didn’t have a motive to do this these are his movements just before he was killed you okay the next topic is things you didn’t hear at the Olympics and that’s a world record from Usain Bolt 9.5 in one night Let’s uh let’s see what’s happening in the Vel Drome yep cycling oh you want a gold oh well done what in canoe in I’ll get a life [Applause] mate I’ve just come out of the diving pool look at the color of my legs look at that masterful control of his Javelin he really is the best Streaker we’ve had all year well this is the pommel horse and that plaintive nay is the horse they are pummeling time for the next fight now he uh floats like a butterfly stings like a bee he’s got a black belt he’s got five black belts okay he’s a wasp and if you’d like to enjoy our coverage of the dress Arch we recommend MDMA and his penis has slapped the top of the bar that is a straight band from weather spoons the allegations of drug use have been strenuously denied by the new Russian Minister for doping Keith Faz we were afraid the Chinese were going to use doping and here she is what a fantastic athlete doping breaking news Ryan Loy has tested positive for being a [ __ ] and Oscar Pistorius has jumped the gun and for that he’ll only get six years well a nearly perfect execution there but not quite as perfect as the one you’ll receive when he returns to North Korea you join me live at the all St in [ __ ] state of it things you’d never read in the Bible eve took the Apple bollock she said it hasn’t got a headphone jack and it had all been a dream and in the beginning there was the word and the Word was good but it wasn’t compatible with Max and after the Last Supper came the last argument about who had a starter oh I should have known it would be you a name like bloody Judas and so it rained for 40 days and 40 nights and Noah said next year we holiday [Applause] abroad I have Five Loaves and two fishes he said who wants cot in bread grum Jesus handed out cans of Dr Pepper and said drink this in remembrance of me that’s right my full name is Dr Jesus pepper people who enjoyed this book also enjoyed the Quran and the Torah there was stress in the Garden of Eden Adam wanted to leave but Eve had voted remain this book has been rated 18 due to graphic violence moderate threat and homophobia God is love the devil is 40 match point and most importantly of all Thou shalt not board the train until other people have a lighted the [Applause] train when Jesus saw all of the tables outside of the church he went mental and started smashing everything up because he hated Fates and had lost all of his money on the guest the weight of the cake competition there is but one commandment greater than these secure the talent before you buy the Bake Off Thou shalt not steal unless from the self-service checkout you all do it birthday cards no way is there no actually my mom couldn’t have done that cuz she’s a virgin the animals came in two by two four TW orange Wednesday okay the next topic is is lines you wouldn’t hear in a James Bond film sorry mate it’s his spoons we don’t do Martini do you want a jug a woowoo we’ve invented you a new phone Bond it’s exactly the same as the old phone but you need to buy a new charger we’ve got the latest news on Thunderball 007 no one won last week and it’s a ro L ah Mr Bond welcome to this mandatory course on sexual harassment in the workplace hi uh the name is Bond uh it’s not actually 007 they’re zeros otherwise I’d be called ooh seven oh Mr B I’m very flattered by your advances but you are a complete stranger you work for my enemy and I am menstruating very heavily Bond meet your children 0053 and 18 months you want my full name of course is Bond James Skipton Building Society fixed rate one year so another Gadget Bond uh this is a way of distracting your opponents some light up Trainers for no [Applause] reason Easter Bond I have one question for you does this testicle look swollen [Applause] so uh Mr B welcome back uh how was Russia how do you feel do you know what rested Mr Bond we just want to check that you understand how to use the new equipment you know you can swipe left don’t you blow felt no I’ve never even met felt this is the easiest fight on top of a train I’ve ever had thank you Southern rail whoa whoa who I have got a girlfriend no thank you unlikely small Arts hello my name’s a for sale one tent please contact the [Applause] BBC genuine single man looking for a relationship call this number if my wife answers hang up free to good home [ __ ] printer [Music] [Laughter] [Applause] phone to hear my talk about how I became obese 8888888 rubbish collection Services yep we are genuinely [ __ ] at it I saw you on the tube you were wearing the pink sweater with your hair pulled back I had my [ __ ] and balls out [Laughter] do you want a hardworking plumber for a reasonable rate then you shouldn’t have voted for brexit learn English on owner home good exampling quick books disbelieves you buy applications are now open for the Donald Trump School of talking to women because those [ __ ] are not going to interrupt themselves wanted the internet as I seem to be the only person in the whole bloody world still using the small ads have you lost a ginger cat check the top of Donald Trump’s head phone to hear my talk about my reaction to eating a South African Bishop o 822 respectable middle-aged lady would like to meet gentleman for cozy nights in country walks theater visits an occasional eye popping anal okay the next topic is things wouldn’t hear on a TV cookery show hi I’m Nigella Lawson and before I bake any cake I like to chop my flour into lines you can see that’s Rising nicely it does that every time I think about how much money Channel 4 are going to pay me hello and welcome to can’t cook won’t cook today we won’t be making anything goodbye coming up next on Saturday kitchen whatever we want because we know you’re too hung over to change the channel this is a hot pot this is a [ __ ] h [Applause] so if you want to Bone a chicken what you need to do take it on a couple of dates and then invite it back put on some romantic music and let nature take its course there is uh there is a bit of a problem on this week’s food and drink i’ I’ve finished all of it this is a Thai chicken Curry or as I like to call it hot Asian [Laughter] [ __ ] okay Sam let’s see what you’ve brought in your bag of ingredients it is a pint of wine and a large M teaser right welcome to southern cooking for northerners first up quinoa what is it and why it can [ __ ] off well if you’re going to pop it in don’t forget to cover it first I didn’t and that’s why I’m making paternity payments hello I’m Greg Wallace and this series of Master Chef we won’t be using plates we’ll just be eating off my shiny shiny head hello it’s Nigel Lawson here again I’m just going to say the word spatchcock for no reason spatchcock anyone can make this you can’t beatric sorry you can’t beat [Applause] rice all go home let’s just go home welcome welcome to Great Indian bake off I’m Paul Bollywood hello I’m jimy Oliver welcome to my new show stick a bit of [ __ ] sugar in it things you wouldn’t hear on crime watch if you have any information about this crime or any other crime and keep your mouth shut stitches get stitches [Applause] a relative paid tribute to the victim who sadly died in The Blaze he said he was the kind of guy that just lights up a room Studies have discovered that the majority of murderers are men so what should we be doing should how can we support female murderers should we be subsidizing Child Care the suspect defecated on Boris Johnson’s doorstep Witnesses describe the man as an absolute Legend no crime watch tonight but reruns at top of the pops 2 are on BBC 4 now so just the man broke into baty dog’s home and released all the dogs police are desperately searching for leads the criminals then blew the safe but however hard they blew it just stayed where it was oh no a city up north has gone missing it begins with l and is great police are desperately looking for leads do you like it it’s a Rolex on nickn that is a crime watch and now as a bit of fun we go to the blooper reel give me all your honey I mean [Music] money according to police there were wet Footprints leading across the bedroom carpet cuz one of us doesn’t know what a bath matat is okay okay okay the murderer said she did it cuz he made so many jokes about me on mock the week I couldn’t hack it anymore were you in the weather spoons at 9:00 a.m. if you were we want you to contact us there was no crime we just want to work out what went wrong in your life right let’s have a quick look at Britain’s most unwanted this is Sam allise the victim’s name was Jehovah police are looking for Witnesses well you know like greeting cards are at four quid don’t they but if you put them in the self- service there’s no weight on them so don’t hello welcome to Crime okay the next topic is unlikely lines from a fantasy film but the ring was lost Frodo looked up this rectal exam had gone badly wrong I was gandal the gray but now after only three washes will the Mad Lord defeat the leper Queen Rob Becket Fox News [Applause] Washington my magic powers are strong put any penis in my hand and watch it grow your majesty I have ridden here for two weeks on Horseback to deliver this important message from your [Music] brother huffle puff oh great I’m getting bullied throw so far can’t we just split a cab Fair no sorry darling no that’s a ticket now this is a double yellow brick road I am Thor John Thor and I am a moss God is I Merlin Grand Wizard and supplier of Premier League sticker albums suzan a shiny oh no I’ve been bitten by some radioactive cord dry that means I’m going to become James acter [Music] man no I’m sorry Alice this is Sunderland after traveling across the dark Seas and desolate Plains finally I am home I left my keys at cves uh we actually find the term unicorn quite offensive we prefer skinny rhinoceri call yourself an orc oh yeah you can talk the orc but can you walk the orc do not go in there it’s an absolute blood bath it’s literally a lion in a wardrobe I cannot emphasize that kill the W oh my god oh I that the film’s gone on for 9 hours and I don’t know what you’re doing anymore so you just get an army of the undead to save the day [ __ ] turn it in