Lady Chatterley’s Lover is the last novel by English author D. H. Lawrence, which was first published privately in 1928, in Italy, and in 1929, in France.
An unexpurgated edition was not published openly in the United Kingdom until 1960, when it was the subject of a watershed obscenity trial against the publisher Penguin Books, which won the case and quickly sold three million copies.
The book was also banned for obscenity in the United States, Canada, Australia, India and Japan.
The book soon became notorious for its story of the physical (and emotional) relationship between a working-class man and an upper-class woman, its explicit descriptions of sex and its use of then-unprintable profane words. It entered the public domain in the United States in 2024.
Plot
The story concerns a young married woman, the former Constance Reid (Lady Chatterley), whose upper-class baronet husband, Sir Clifford Chatterley, described as a handsome, well-built man, is paralysed from the waist down because of a Great War injury. Constance has an affair with the gamekeeper, Oliver Mellors. The class difference between the couple highlights a major motif of the novel. The central theme is Constance’s realisation that she cannot live with the mind alone. That realisation stems from a heightened sexual experience that Constance has felt only with Mellors, suggesting that love requires the elements of both body and mind.
00:00 CHAPTER ONE
20:08 CHAPTER TWO
37:25 CHAPTER THREE
1:03:07 CHAPTER FOUR
1:27:34 CHAPTER FIVE
2:02:53 CHAPTER SIX
2:35:18 CHAPTER SEVEN
3:11:26 CHAPTER EIGHT
3:42:31 CHAPTER NINE
4:15:23 CHAPTER TEN
5:45:37 CHAPTER ELEVEN
6:30:42 CHAPTER TWELVE
7:02:23 CHAPTER THIRTEEN
7:42:33 CHAPTER FOURTEEN
8:26:00 CHAPTER FIFTEEN
9:05:29 CHAPTER SIXTEEN
9:59:08 CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
10:46:24 CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
11:24:49 CHAPTER NINETEEN
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lady chat’s Lover by DH Lawrence chapter 1 ours is essentially a tragic age so we refuse to take it tragically the cataclysm has happened we are among the ruins we start to build up new little habitats to have new little hopes it is rather hard work there is now no smooth Road into the future but we go round or scramble over the obstacles we’ve got to live no matter how many skies have fallen this was more or less constant chat’s position the war had brought the roof down over her head and she had realized that one must live and learn she married Clifford chatle in 1917 when he was home for a month on leave they had a month’s honeymoon then he went back to Flanders to be shipped over to England again 6 months later more or less in bits constant his wife was then 23 years old and he was 29 his hold on life was marvelous he didn’t die and the bits seemed to grow together again for 2 years he remained in the doctor’s hands then he was pronounced a cure and could return to life again with the lower half of his body from the hips down paralyzed forever this was in 1920 they returned Clifford and Constance to his home ragy Hall the family seat his father had died Clifford was now a baronet sir Clifford and constant was Lady chat they came to start housekeeping and married life in the rather forlorn home of the chates on a rather inadequate income Clifford had a sister but she had departed otherwise there were no near relatives the elder brother was dead in the war crippled forever knowing he could never have any children Clifford came home to the Smoky Midlands to keep the chatly name alive while he could he was not really downcast he could will himself about in a wheelchair and he had a bath chair with a small motor attachment so he could drive himself slowly round the garden and into the fine Melancholy Park of which he was really so proud though he pretended to be flippant about it having suffered so much the capacity for suffering had to some extent left him he remained strange and bright and cheerful almost one might say chirpy with his Ruddy healthy looking face and his pale blue challenging Bright Eyes his his shoulders were Broad and strong his hands were very strong he was expensively dressed and wore handsome neck ties from Bond Street yet still in his face one saw the watchful look the slight vacancy of a [ __ ] he had so very nearly lost his life that what remained was wonderfully precious to him it was obvious in the anxious brightness of his eyes how proud he was after the great shock of being alive but he had been so much hurt that something inside him had had perished some of his feelings had gone there was a blank of insentience constant his wife was a ruddy country looking girl with soft brown hair and sturdy body and slow movements full of unusual energy she had big wondering eyes and a soft mild voice and seemed just to have come from her native Village it was not so at all her father was the once well-known R A old Sir Malcolm Reed her mother had been one of the cultivated fabians in the paly rather prfa like days between artists and cultured socialists Constance and her sister Hilda had had what might be called an aesthetically unconventional upbringing they had been taken to Paris and Florence and Rome to breathe in art and they had been taken also in the other direction to the ha and Berlin to Great socialist conventions where the speaker spoke in every civilized tongue and no one was abashed the two girls therefore were from an early age not the least daunted by either art or ideal politics it was their natural atmosphere they were at once Cosmopolitan and provincial with the Cosmopolitan provincialism of art that goes with pure social ideals they had been sent to Dresden at the age of 15 for music among other things and they had had a good time there they lived freely among the students they argued with the men over philosophical sociological and artistic matters they would were just as good as the men themselves only better since they were women and they tramped off to the forests with sturdy youths bearing guitars twang twang they sang the Vogal songs and they were free free that was the great word out in the open world out in the forest of the morning with Lusty and Splendid throated young fellows free to do as they liked and above all to say what they liked it was the talk that mattered supremely the impassioned interchange of talk love was only a minor accompaniment both Hilda and constant had had their tentative love affairs by the time they were 18 the young men with whom they talked so passionately and sang so lustily and camped under the trees in such Freedom wanted of course the love connection the girls were doubtful but then the thing was so much talked about it was supposed to be so important and the men were so humble and craving why couldn’t a girl be queenly and give the gift of herself so they had given the gift of themselves each to the youth with whom she had the most subtle and intimate arguments the arguments the discussions were the great thing the love making and connection were only a sort of primitive reversion and a bit of an anticlimax one was less in love with the boy afterwards and a little inclined to hate him as if he had trespassed on one’s privacy and inner freedom for of course being a girl one’s whole dignity and meaning in life consisted in the achievement of an absolute a perfect a pure and Noble Freedom what else did a girl’s life mean to shake off the old and sorted connections and subjections and however one might sentimentalize it this sex business was one of the most ancient sorted connections and subjections Poets who glorified it were mostly men women had always known there was something better something higher and now they knew it more definitely than ever the beautiful Pure Freedom of a woman was infinitely more wonderful than any sexual love the only unfortunate thing was that men lagged so far behind women in the matter they insisted on the sex thing like dogs and a woman had to yield a man was like a child with his appetites a woman had to yield him what he wanted or like a child he would probably turn nasty and flance away and spoil what was a very pleasant connection but a woman could yield to a man Man Without yielding her inner free self that the poets and talkers about sex did not seem to have taken sufficiently into account a woman could take a Man Without Really giving herself away certainly she could take him without giving herself into his power rather she could use this sex thing to have power over him for she only had to hold herself back in sexual intercourse and let him finish and expend himself without herself coming to the crisis and then she could prolong the connection and achieve her or orgasm and her crisis while he was merely her tool both sisters had had their love experience by the time the war came and they were hurried home neither was ever in love with a young man unless he and she were verbally very near that is unless they were profoundly interested talking to one another the amazing the profound The Unbelievable thrill there was in passionately talking to some really clever young man by the hour resuming day after day for months this they had never realized till it happened the the paradisal promise Thou shalt have men to talk to had never been uttered it was fulfilled before they knew what a promise it was and if after the roused intimacy of these Vivid and sole enlightened discussions the sex thing became more or less inevitable then let it it marked the end of a chapter it had a thrill of its own too a queer vibrating thrill inside the body a final spasm of self assertion like the last word exciting and very like the row asterisks that can be put to show the end of a paragraph and a break in the theme when the girls came home for the summer holidays of 1913 when Hilda was 20 and Connie 18 their father could see plainly that they had had the love experience loraa as somebody puts it but he was a man of experience himself and let life take its course as for the mother a nervous invalid in the last few months of her life she wanted her girls to be free and to fulfill themselves she herself had never been able to be altogether herself it had been denied her Heaven Knows Why for she was a woman who had her own income and her own way she blamed her husband but as a matter of fact it was some old impression of authority on her own mind or soul that she could not get rid of it had nothing to do with Sir Malcolm who left his nervously hostile high-spirited wife to rule her own Roost while he went his own way so the girls were free and went back to Dresden and their music and the university and the young men they loved their respective young men and their respective young men loved them with all the passion of mental attraction all the wonderful things the young men thought and expressed and wrote they thought and expressed and wrote for the young women Connie’s young man was musical Hilda’s was technical but they simply lived for their young women in their minds and their mental excitements that is somewhere else they were a little rebuffed though they did not know it it was obvious in them too that love had gone through them that is the physical experience it is curious what a subtle but unmistakable transmutation it makes both in the body of men and women the woman more blooming more subtly rounded her young angularity softened and her expression either anxious or triumphant the man much quieter more inward the very shapes of his shoulders and his butttocks less assertive more hesitant in the actual sex thrill within the body the sisters nearly succumbed to the strange male power but quickly they recovered themselves took the sex thrill as a sensation and remained free whereas the men in gratitude to the woman for the sex experience let their souls go out to her and afterwards looked rather as if they had lost a shilling and found Sixpence Connie’s man could be a bit sulky and Hilda’s a bit cheering but that is how men are ungrateful and never satisfied when you don’t have them they hate you because you won’t and when you do have them they hate you again for some other reason or for no reason at all except that they are discontented children and can’t be satisfied whatever they get let a woman do what she may however came the war Hilda and Connie were rushed home again after having been home already in May to their mother’s funeral Before Christmas of 1914 both their German young men were dead where on the sisters wept and loved the young men passionately but underneath forgot them they didn’t exist anymore both sisters lived in their fathers really their mothers Kensington house and mixed with the young Cambridge group the group stood for freedom and flannel trousers and flannel shirts open at the neck and a well-bred sort of emotional Anarchy and a whispering murmuring sort of voice and an ultra sensitive sort of manner Hilda however suddenly married a man 10 years old older than herself an elder member of the same Cambridge group a man with a fair amount of money and a comfortable family job in the government he also wrote philosophical essays she lived with him in a smallish house in Westminster and moved in that good sort of society of people in the government who are not tip Toppers but who are or would be the real intelligent power in the nation people who know what they’re talking about or talk as if they did Connie did a mild form of War work and consorted with the flannel trousers Cambridge in transigent who gently mocked at everything so far her friend was a cliff at chatly a young man of 22 who had hurried home from Bon where he was studying the technicalities of coal mining he had previously spent two years at Cambridge now he had become a first leftenant in a smart regiment so he could mock at everything more becomingly in uniform Clifford chatle was more upper class than Connie Connie was welltoo intelligency but he was aristocracy not the big sort but still it his father was a baronet and his mother had been a Vic Count’s daughter but Clifford while he was better bred than Connie and more Society was in his own way more provincial and more timid he was at his ease in the narrow great world that is landed aristocracy Society but he was shy and nervous of all that other Big World which consists of the vast hordes of the middle and lower classes and foreigners if the truth must be told he was just a little bit frightened of middle and lower class humanity and of foreigners not of his own class he was in some paralyzing way conscious of his own defenselessness though he had all the defense of privilege which is curious but a phenomenon of our day therefore the peculiar soft Assurance of a girl like constant Reed fascinated him she was so much more Mistress of herself in that outer world of chaos than he was Master of himself self nevertheless he too was a rebel rebelling even against his class or perhaps Rebel is too strong a word far too strong he was only caught in the general popular recoil of the young against convention and against any sort of real Authority fathers were ridiculous his own obstinate one supremely so and governments were ridiculous our own weight and sea sword especially so and armies were ridiculous and old buffers of generals all together the red-faced Kitchener supremely even the war was ridiculous though it did Kill rather a lot of people in fact everything was a little ridiculous or very ridiculous certainly everything connected with authority whether it were in the army or the government or the universities was ridiculous to a degree and as far as the governing class made any pretensions to govern they were ridiculous too sir Jeffrey Clifford’s father was intensely ridiculous chopping down down his trees and weeding men out of his Cy to shove them into the war and himself being so safe and patriotic but also spending more money on his country than he’d got When Miss chatterly Emma came down to London from the Midlands to do some nursing work she was very witty in a quiet way about Sir Jeffrey and his determined patriotism Herbert the elder brother and Heir laughed outright though it was his trees that were felling for trench props but Clifford only smiled a little uneasily everything was ridiculous quite true but when it came too close and oneself became ridiculous too at least people of a different class like Connie were Earnest about something they believed in something they were rather Earnest about the tomies and the threat of conscription and the shortage of sugar and toffee for the children in all these things of course the authorities were ridiculously at fault but Clifford could not take it to heart to him the authorities were ridiculous AB oo not because of tofy or Tommy and the authorities felt ridiculous and behaved in a rather ridiculous fashion and it was all a mad hats tea party for a while till things developed over there and Lloyd George came to save the situation over here and this surpassed even ridicule the flippant young laughed no more in 1916 Herbert chatle was killed so Clifford became Heir he was terrified even of this his importance as son of s Jeffrey and child of ragby was so ingrained in him he could never Escape it and yet he knew that this too in the eyes of the vast seething world was ridiculous now he was air and responsible for ragby was that not terrible and also Splendid and at the same time perhaps purely absurd Sir Jeffrey would have none of the absurdity he was pale and tense withdrawn into himself and obstinately determined to save his country and his own position Let It Be Lloyd George or who it might so cut off he was so divorced from the England that was really England so utterly incapable that he even thought well of Horatio bottomly so Jeffrey stood for England and Lloyd George as his forbears had stood for England and St George and he never knew there was a difference so Sir Jeffrey fell Timber and stood for Lloyd George and England England and Lloyd George and he wanted Clifford to marry and produce an heir Clifford felt his father was a hopeless anachronism but wherein was he himself any further ahead except in a wincing sense of the Ridiculousness of everything and the Paramount Ridiculousness of his own position for willy-nilly he took his Barony and ragby with the last seriousness the gay excitement had gone out of the war dead too much death and horror a man needed support and comfort a man needed to have an anchor in the safe World a man needed a wife the chates two brothers and a sister had lived curiously isolated shut in with one another at ragby in spite of all their connections a sense of isolation intensified the family tie a sense of the weakness of their position a sense of defenselessness in spite of or because of the title and the land they were cut off from those industrial Midlands in which they passed their lives and they were cut off from their own class by the brooding obstinate shut up nature of Sir Jeffrey their father whom they ridiculed but whom they were so sensitive about the three had said they would all live together always but now Herbert was dead and Sir Jeffrey wanted Clifford to marry Sir Jeffrey barely mentioned it he spoke very little but his silent brooding insistence that it should be so was hard for Clifford to Bear up against but Emma said no she was 10 years older than Clifford and she felt his marrying would be a desertion and a betrayal of what the young ones of the family had stood for Clifford married Connie nevertheless and had his month’s honeymoon with her it was the terrible year 1917 and they were intimate as two people who Stand Together on a sinking ship he had been virgin when he married and the sex part did not mean much to him they were so close he and she apart from that and Connie exal Ed a little in this intimacy which was beyond sex and Beyond a man’s satisfaction Clifford anyhow was not just keen on his satisfaction as so many men seemed to be no the intimacy was deeper more personal than that and sex was merely an accident or an adjunct one of the Curious obsolete organic processes which persisted in its own clumsiness but was not really necessary though Connie did want children if only to fortify her against her sister-in-law or Emma but early in 1918 Clifford was shipped home smashed and there was no child and Sir Jeffrey died of shagrin chapter 2 Connie and Clifford came home to ragby in the Autumn of 1920 Miss chatterly still disgusted at her brother’s defection had departed and was living in a little flat in London ragby was a long low old house in Brownstone began about the middle of the 18th century and added on two till it was a of a place without much distinction it stood on an Eminence in a rather fine old park of oak trees but alas one could see in the near distance the chimney of Tel pit with its clouds of steam and smoke and on The Damp hazy distance of the Hill the Roar stradle of Tel Village a village which began almost at the park Gates and trailed in utter hopeless ugliness for a long and gruesome mile houses rows of wretched small begrimed brick houses with black slate roofs for Lids sharp ankles and willful blank dreariness Connie was accustomed to Kensington or the scotch Hills or the Sussex towns that was her England with the stoicism of the young she took in the utter soulless ugliness of the coal and iron Midlands at a glance and left it at what it was unbelievable and not to be thought about from the rather dismal rooms at ragby she heard the rattle rattle of the screens at the pit the puff of the winding engine the clink clink of shunting trucks and the horse little whistle of the Cy locomotives Tel pit Bank was burning had been burning for years and it would cost thousands to put it out so it had to burn and when the wind was that way which was often the house was full of the stench of this sulfurous combustion of the Earth’s excrement but even on windless days the air always smelt of something under Earth sulfur Iron Coal or acid and even on the Christmas roses the smut settled persistently incredible like black Mana from the Skies of Doom well there it was fad like the rest of things it was rather awful but why kick you couldn’t kick it away it just went on life like all the rest on the low dark ceiling of cloud at night red blotches burned and quavered dappling and swelling and Contracting like Burns that give pain it was the furnaces at first they fascinated Connie with a sort of horror she felt she was living underground then she got used to them and in the morning it rained Clifford professed to like ragby better than London this country had a grim wool of its own and the people had guts Connie wondered what else they had certainly neither eyes nor Minds the people were as Haggard shapeless and dreary as the countryside and as unfriendly only there was something in their deep mouthed slurring of the dialect and the thresh thresh of their hob Nails pit boots as they trailed home in gangs on the asphalt from work that was terrible and a bit mysterious there had been no welcome home for the young Squire no festivities no deputation not even a single flower only a dank ride in a Motorcar up a dark damp Drive burrowing through gloomy trees out to the slope of the park where gray damp sheep were feeding to the null where the house spread its dark brown facade and the housekeeper and her husband were hovering like unsure tenants on the face of the Earth ready to stammer a welcome there was no communication between ragby Hall and Tel Village none no caps were touched no curtsies bobbed the cers merely stared the Tradesmen lifted their caps to Connie as to an acquaintance and nodded awkwardly to Clifford that was all Gulf impossible and a quiet sort of resentment on either side at first Connie suffered from the steady drizzle of resentment that came from the village then she hardened herself to it and it became a sort of tonic something to live up to it was not that she and Clifford were unpopular they merely belonged to another species altogether from the colas Gulf impassible breach Indescribable such as is perhaps non-existent south of the Trent but in the Midlands and the industrial North Gulf impossible across which no communication could take place you stick to your side I’ll stick to mine a strange denial of the common pulse of human yet the village sympathized with Clifford and Connie in the abstract In the Flesh it was you leave me alone on either side the Rector was a nice man of about 60 full of his duty and reduced personally almost to a non-entity by the silent you leave me alone of the village the miners wives were nearly all methodists the miners were nothing but even so much official uniform as the clergyman wore was enough to obscure entirely the fact that he was a man like any other man no he was Mr Ashby a sort of automatic preaching and praying concern this stubborn instinctive we think ourselves as good as you if you are lady chatterly puzzled and baffled Connie at first extremely the Curious suspicious false amiability with which the miners wives met her over chur the curiously offensive tinge of oh dear me I am somebody now with lady chatly talking to me but she needn’t think I’m not as good as her for all that which she always heard twanging in the women’s half foring voices was impossible there was no getting past it it was hopelessly and offensively non-conformist Cliff had left the alone and she learned to do the same she just went by without looking at them and they stared as if she were a walking W’s figure when he had to deal with them Clifford was rather hay and contemptuous one could no longer afford to be friendly in fact he was altogether rather supercilious and contemptuous of anyone not in his own class he stood his ground without any attempt at conciliation and he was neither liked nor disliked by the people he was just part of things like the pit bank and ragby itself but Clifford was really extremely shy and self-conscious now he was lamed he hated seeing anyone except just the personal servants for he had to sit in a wheelchair or a sort of bath chair nevertheless he was just as carefully dressed as ever by his expensive tailor and he wore the careful Bond Street neck ties just as before and from the top he looked just as smart and impressive as ever he had never been one of the modern ladylike young men rather bucolic even with his Ruddy face and broad shoulders but his very quiet hesitating voice and his eyes at the same time bold and frightened assured and uncertain revealed his nature his man was often offensively supercilious and then again modest and self-effacing almost tremulous Connie and he were attached to one another in the aloof modern way he was much too hurt in himself the great shock of his maming to be easy and flippant he was a hurt thing and as such Connie stuck to him passionately but she could not help feeling how little connection he really had with people the miners were in a sense his own men but he saw them as objects rather than men parts of the pit rather than parts of life crude raw phenomena rather than human beings along with him he was in some way afraid of them he could not bear to have them look at him now he was lame and their queer crude life seemed as unnatural as that of hedgehogs he was remotely interested but like a man looking down a microscope or up a telescope he was not in touch he was not in actual touch with anybody save traditionally with ragby and through the close Bond of family defense with Emma Beyond this nothing really touched him Connie felt that she herself didn’t really not really touch him perhaps there was nothing to Get It ultimately just a negation of human contact yet he was absolutely dependent on her he needed her every moment big and strong as he was he was helpless he could will himself about in a wheeled chair and he had a sort of bath chair with a motor attachment in in which he could puff slowly round the park but alone he was like a lost thing he needed Connie to be there to assure him he existed at all still he was ambitious he had taken to writing stories curious very personal stories about people he had known clever rather spiteful and yet in some mysterious way meaningless the observation was extraordinary and peculiar but there was no touch no actual contact it was as if the whole thing took place in a vacuum and since the field of life is largely an artificially lighted stage today the stories were curiously true to Modern Life to the modern psychology that is Clifford was almost morbidly sensitive about these stories he wanted everyone to think them good of the best NE plus Ultra they appeared in the most modern magazines and were praised and blamed as usual but to Clifford the blame was torture like knives goating him it was as if the whole of his being were in his stories Connie helped him as much as she could At first she was thrilled he talked everything over with her monotonously insistently persistently and she had to respond with all her might it was as if her whole soul and body and sex had to rise up and pass into theme stories of his this thrilled her and absorbed her of physical life they lived very little she had to superintend the house but the housekeeper had served Sir Jeffrey for many years and the dried up elderly superlatively correct female you could hardly call her a parlade or even a woman who waited at table had been in the house for 40 years even the very housemaids were no longer young it was awful what could you do with such a place but leave it alone all these endless rooms that nobody used all the Midland’s routine the mechanical cleanliness and the mechanical order cliffer had insisted on a new cook an experienced woman who had served him in his rooms in London for the rest the place seemed run by mechanical Anarchy everything went on in pretty good order strict cleanliness and strict punctuality even pretty strict honesty and yet to Connie it was a methodical Anarchy no warmth of feeling United it organically the house seemed as dreary as a disused street what could she do but leave it alone so she left it alone Miss chatterly came sometimes with her aristocratic thin face and triumphed finding nothing altered she would never forgive Connie for outing her from her Union in Consciousness with her brother it was she Emma who should be bringing forth the stories these books with him the chatterly stories something new in the world that they the chates had put there there was no other standard there was no organic connection with the thought and expression that had gone before only something new in the world the chatterly books entirely personal Connie’s father where he paid a flying visit to ragby and in private to his daughter as for Clifford’s writing it’s smart but there’s nothing in it it won’t last Connie looked at the Burly Scottish Knight who had done himself well all his life and her eyes her big still wondering blue eyes became vague nothing in it what what did he mean by nothing in it if the critics praised it and Clifford’s name was Almost Famous and it even brought in money what did her father mean by saying there was nothing in Clifford’s writing what else could there be for Connie had adopted the standard of the young what there was in the moment was everything and moments followed one another without necessarily belonging to one another it was in her second winter at ragby her father said to her I hope Connie you won’t let circumstances force you into being a Dei a Dei replied Connie vaguely why why not unless you like it of course said her father hastily to Clifford he said the same when the two men were alone I’m afraid it doesn’t quite suit Connie to be a Dei a half virgin replied Clifford translating the phrase to be sure of it he thought for a moment then flushed very red he was angry and offended in what way doesn’t it suit her he asked stiffly she’s getting thin angular it’s not her style she’s not the piled sort of little slip of a girl she’s a bonny Scotch trout without the spots of course said Clifford he wanted to say something later to Connie about the demier business the half virgin state of her Affairs but he could not bring himself to do it he was at one too intimate with her and not intimate enough he was so very much at one with her in his mind and hers but bodily they were nonexistent to one another and neither could bear to drag in the Corpus de they were so intimate and utterly out of touch Connie guessed however that her father had said something and that something was in Clifford’s mind she knew that he didn’t mind whether she would Dem vge or demim so long as he didn’t absolutely know and wasn’t made to see what the eye doesn’t see and the mind doesn’t know doesn’t exist Connie and Clifford had now been nearly two years at ragby Living their vague life of absorption in Clifford and his work their interests had never ceased to flow together over his work they talked and wrestled in the throws of composition and felt as if something were happening really happening really in the void and thus far it was a life in the void for the rest it was non-existence ragby was there the servants but spectral not really existing Connie went for walks in the park and in the woods that joined the park and enjoyed the Solitude and the Mystery kicking the brown leaves of Autumn and picking the prim roses of spring but it was all a dream or rather it was like the simulacrum of reality the oak leaves were to her like oak leaves seen ruffling in a mirror she herself was a figure somebody had read about picking primroses that were only Shadows or memories or words no substance to her or anything no touch no contact only this life with Clifford this endless spinning of webs of yarn of the minui of Consciousness these stories Sir Malcolm said there was nothing in and they wouldn’t last why should there be anything in them why should they last sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof sufficient unto the moment is the appearance of reality Clifford had quite a number of friends acquaintances really and he invited them to ragby he invited all sorts of people critics and writers people who would help to praise His books and they were flattered at being asked to ragby and they praised Connie understood it all perfectly but why not this was one of the fleeting patterns in the mirror what was wrong with it she was Hostess to these people mostly men she was Hostess also to Clifford’s occasional aristocratic relations being a soft Ruddy country looking girl inclined to freckles with big blue eyes and curling brown hair and a soft voice and rather strong female loins she was considered a little old-fashioned and womanly she was not a little piled sort of fish like a boy with a boy’s flat breast and little buttocks she was too feminine to be quite smart so the men especially those no longer young were very nice to her indeed but knowing what torture poor Clifford would feel at the slightest sign of flirting on her part she gave them no encouragement at all she was quiet and vague she had no contact with them and intended to have none Clifford was extraordinarily proud of himself his relatives treated her quite kindly she knew that the kindliness indicated a lack of fear and that these people had no respect for you unless you could frighten them a little but again she had no contact she let them be kindly and binful she let them feel they had no need to draw their Steel in Readiness she had no real connection with them time went on whatever happened nothing happened because she was so beautifully out of contact she and Clifford lived in their ideas and his books she entertained there were always people in the house time went on as the clock does halfast 8 instead of half 7 chapter 3 Connie was aware however ever of a growing restlessness out of her disconnection a restlessness was taking possession of her like Madness it twitched her limbs when she didn’t want to Twitch them it jerked her spine when she didn’t want to jerk upright but preferred to rest comfortably it thrilled inside her body in her womb somewhere till she felt she must jump into water and swim to get away from it a mad restlessness it made her heart beat violently for no reason and she was getting thinner it was just restlessness she would rush off across the park abandon Clifford and lie prone in the Bracken to get away from the house she must get away from the house and everybody the work was her one Refuge her Sanctuary but it was not really a refuge a sanctuary because she had no connection with it it was only a place where she could get away from the rest she never really touched the spirit of the wood itself if it had any such nonsensical thing vaguely she knew herself that she was going to pieces in some way vaguely she knew she was out of connection she had lost touch with the substantial and vital world only Clifford and his books which did not exist which had nothing in them void to void vaguely she knew but it was like beating her head against a stone her father warned her again why don’t you get yourself a bow Connie do you all the good in the world that winter kis came for a few days he was a young Irishman who had already made a large Fortune by his plays in America he had been taken up quite enthusiastically for a Time by smart Society in London for he wrote smart Society plays then gradually smart Society realized that it had been made ridiculous at the hands of a down a hill Dublin Street rat and revulsion came michis was the last word in what was cadish and Bounder he was discovered to be anti English and to the class that made this discovery this was worse than the dirtiest crime he was cut dead and his corpse thrown into the refug can nevertheless michis had his apartment in Mayfair and walked down Bond Street the image of a gentleman for you cannot get even the best tailor to cut their Lowdown customers when the customers pay Clifford was inviting the young man of 30 at an inauspicious moment in that young man’s career yet Clifford did not hesitate michis had the ear of a few million people probably and being a hopeless Outsider he would no doubt be grateful to be asked down to ragby at this juncture when the rest of the smart world was cutting him being grateful he would no doubt do Clifford good over there in America cudos a man gets a lot of Kudos whatever that may be by being talked about in the right way especially over there Clifford was a coming man and it was remarkable what a sound publicity Instinct he had in the end michis did him most nobly in a play and Clifford was a sort of popular hero till the reaction when he found he had been made ridiculous Connie wandered a little over Clifford’s blind imperious instinct to become known known that is to the vast amorphous world he did not himself know and of which he was uneasily afraid known as a writer as a first class modern writer Connie was aware from successful old hard bluffing Sir Malcolm that artists did advertise themselves and exert themselves to put their goods over but her father used channels readymade used by all the other are as who sold their pictures whereas Clifford discovered new channels of publicity all kinds he had all kinds of people at ragby without exactly lowering himself but determined to build himself a monument of a reputation quickly he used any handy Rubble in the making michelis arrived duly in a very neat car with a chauffeur and a manservant he was absolutely Bond Street but at sight of him something in Clifford’s County Soul recoiled he wasn’t exactly not exactly in fact he wasn’t at all well what his appearance intended to imply to Clifford this was Final and enough yet he was very polite to the man to the amazing success in him the [ __ ] goddess as she is called of success roamed snarling and protective round the half humble half defiant Michaela heels and intimidated Clifford completely for he wanted to prostitute himself to the [ __ ] goddess success also if only she would have him micheles obviously wasn’t an Englishman in spite of all the tailor Hatters Barbers booters of the very best quarter of London no no he obviously wasn’t an Englishman the wrong sort of flattish pale face and bearing and the wrong sort of grievance he had a grudge and a grievance that was obvious to any trueborn English gentleman who would scorn to let such a thing appear blatant in his own demeanor poor michis had been much kicked so that he had a slightly tail between the legs look even now he had pushed his way by sheer Instinct and sheerer eony onto the stage and to the front of it with his plays he had caught the public and he had thought the kicking days were over alas they weren’t they never would be for he in a sense asked to be kicked he pined to be where he didn’t belong among the English upper classes and how they enjoyed the various kicks they got at him and how he hated them nevertheless he traveled with his manservant and his very neat car this Dublin Mongrel there was something about him that Connie liked he didn’t put on HS to himself he had no Illusions about himself he talked to Clifford sensibly briefly practically about all the things Clifford wanted to know he didn’t expand or let himself go he knew he had been asked down to ragby to be made use of and like an old shrewd almost indifferent businessman or big businessman he let himself be asked questions and he answered with as little waste of feeling as possible money he said money is a sort of instinct it’s a sort of property of nature in a man to make money it’s nothing you do it’s no trick you play it’s a sort of permanent accident of your own nature once you start you make money and you go on up to a point I suppose but you’ve got to begin said Clifford oh quite you’ve got to get in you can do nothing if you are kept outside you’ve got to beat your way in once you’ve done that you can’t help it but could you have made money except by plays asked Clifford oh probably not I may be a good writer or I may be a bad one but a writer and a writer of plays is what I am and I’ve got to be there’s no question of that and you think it’s a writer of popular plays that you’ve got to be asked Connie there exactly he said turning to her in a sudden flash there’s nothing in it there’s nothing in popularity there’s nothing in the public if it comes to that there’s nothing really in my plays to make them popular it’s not that they just are like the weather the sort that will have to be for the time being he turned his slow rather full eyes that had been drowned in such fathomless disillusion on Connie and she trembled a little he seemed so old endlessly old built up of layers of disillusion going down in him generation after generation like geological strata and of the the same time he was forlorn like a child an outcast in a certain sense but with the desperate bravery of his rat-like existence at least it’s wonderful what you’ve done at your time of life said Clifford contemplatively I’m 30 yes I’m 30 said michelis sharply and suddenly with a curious laugh Hollow triumphant and bitter and are you alone asked Connie how do you mean do I live Al alone I’ve got my servant he’s a Greek so he says and quite incompetent but I keep him and I’m going to marry oh yes I must marry it sounds like going to have your tonsils cut laughed Connie will it be an effort he looked at her admiringly well lady chatly somehow it will I find excuse me I find I can’t marry an English woman not even an Irish woman try an American said Clifford oh American he laughed a hollow laugh no I’ve asked my man if he will find me a Turk or something something nearer to the Oriental Connie really wondered at this queer Melancholy specimen of extraordinary success it was said he had an income of $50,000 from America alone sometimes he was handsome sometimes as he looked sideways downwards and the light fell on him he had the silent enduring beauty of a carved Ivory negro mask with his rather full eyes and the strong querly arched brows the immobile compressed mouth that momentary but revealed immobility an immobility a timelessness which the Buddha aims at and which Negroes Express sometimes without ever aiming at it something old old and acquiescent in the race Ian of acquiescence in race Destiny instead of our individual resistance and then a swimming through like rats in a dark river Connie felt a sudden strange leap of sympathy for him a leap mingled with compassion and tinged with repulsion amounting almost to love the outsider The Outsider and they called him a Bounder how much more boundar and assertive Clifford looked how much stupider michaus knew at once he had made an impression on her he turned his full Hazel slightly prominent eyes on her in a look of pure Det attachment he was estimating her and the extent of the impression he had made with the English nothing could save him from being the Eternal Outsider not even love yet women sometimes fell for him English women too he knew just where he was with Clifford they were two alien dogs which would have liked to snil at one another but which Smiles instead perforce but with the woman he was not quite so sure breakfast was served in the bedrooms Clifford never appeared before lunch and the dining room was a little dreary after coffee Michaelis restless and ills sitting Soul wondered what he should do it was a fine November day fine for ragby he looked over The Melancholy Park my God what a place he sent a servant to ask could he be of any service to Lady chaty he thought of driving into Sheffield the answer came would he care to go up to lady chat’s sitting room Connie had a sitting room on the third floor the top floor of the central portion of the house Clifford’s rooms were on the ground floor of course michelis was flattered by being asked up to lady chat’s own parlor he followed blindly after the servant he never noticed things or had contact with his surroundings in her room he did glance vaguely round at the fine German reproductions of Renoir and szan it’s very pleasant up here he said with his queer Smile as if it heard H into to smile showing his teeth you are wise to get up to the top yes I think so she said her room was the only gay modern one in the house the only spot in ragby where her personality was at all revealed Clifford had never seen it and she asked very few people up now she and Michaela sit on opposite sides of the fire and talked she asked him about himself his mother and father his brothers other people were always something of a Wonder to her and when her sympathy was awakened she was quite devoid of class feeling michis talked frankly about himself quite frankly without affectation simply revealing his bitter indifferent stray dog Soul then showing a gleam of revengeful pride in his success but why are you such a lonely bird Connie asked him and again he looked at her with his full searching hazel look some birds are that way he replied then with a touch of familiar irony but look here what about yourself aren’t you by way of being a lonely bird yourself Connie a little startled thought about it for a few moments and then she said only in a way not altogether like you am I altogether a lonely bird he asked with his queer grin of A Smile as if he had toothache it was so Ry and his eyes were so perfectly unchangingly Melancholy or stoical or disillusioned or afraid why she said a little breathless as she looked at him you are aren’t you she felt a terrible appeal coming to her from him that made her almost lose her balance oh you’re quite right he said turning his head away and looking sideways downwards with that strange immobility of an old race that is hardly here in our present day it was that that really made Connie lose her power to see him detach from herself he looked up at her with a full glance that saw everything registered everything at the same time the infant crying in the night was crying out of his breast to her in a way that affected her very womb it’s awfully nice of you to think of me he said laconically why shouldn’t I think of you she exclaimed with hardly breath to utter it he gave the Ry quick hiss of a laugh oh in that way exclamation mark dot dot dot may I hold your hand for a minute he asked suddenly fixing his eyes on her with almost hypnotic power and sending out an appeal that affected her direct in the womb she stared at him dazed and transfixed and he went over and kneeled beside her and took her two feet close in his two hands and buried his face in her lap remaining motionless she was perfectly dim and dazed looking down in a sort of Amazement at the rather tender nape of his neck feeling his face pressing her her thighs in all her burning dismay she could not help putting her hand with tenderness and compassion on the defenseless nape of his neck and he trembled with a deep shudder then he looked up at her with that awful appeal in his full glowing eyes she was utterly incapable of resisting it from her breast flowed the answering immense yearning over him she must give him anything anything he was a curious and very gentle lover very gentle with the woman trembling uncontrollably and yet at the same time detached aware aware of every Sound Outside to her it meant nothing except that she gave herself to him and at length he ceased to quiver anymore and lay quite still quite still then with dim compassionate fingers she stroked his head that lay on her breast when he rose he kissed both her hands then both her feet in their suede slippers and in silence went away to the end of the room where he stood with his back to her there was silence for some minutes then he turned and came to her again as she sat in her old place by the fire and now I suppose you’ll hate me he said in a quiet inevitable way she looked up at him quickly why should I she asked they mostly do he said then he caught himself up I mean a woman is supposed to this is the last moment when I I ought to hate you she said resentfully I know I know it should be so you’re frightfully good to me he cried miserably she wondered why he should be miserable won’t you sit down again she said he glanced at the door sir Clifford he said won’t he won’t he be she paused a moment to consider perhaps she said and she looked up at him I don’t want Clifford to know not even to suspect it would hurt him so much but I don’t think it’s wrong do you wrong good God no you’re only too infinitely good to me I can hardly bear it he turned aside and she saw that in another moment he would be sobbing but we needn’t let Clifford know need we she pleaded it would hurt him so and if he never knows never suspects it hurts nobody me he said almost fiercely he’ll know nothing from me you see if he does me give myself away ha ha he laughed hollowly cynically at such an idea she watched him in wonder he said to her may I kiss your hand and go I’ll run into Sheffield I think and lunch there if I may and be back to tea may I do anything for you may I be sure you don’t hate me and then that you won’t he ended with a desperate note of cynicism no I don’t hate you she said I think you’re nice ah he said to her fiercely I’d rather you said that to me than said you love me it means such a lot more till afternoon then I’ve plenty to think about till then he kissed her hands humbly and was gone I don’t think I can stand that young man said Clifford at lunch why asked Connie he’s such a Bounder underneath his veneer just waiting to bounce us I think people have been so unkind to him said Connie do you wonder and do you think he employs his shining hours doing Deeds of kindness I think he has a certain sort of generosity towards whom I don’t quite know naturally you don’t I’m afraid you mistake unscrupulousness for generosity Connie paused did she it was just possible yet the unscrupulousness of miches had a certain Fascination for her he went whole lengths where Clifford only crept a few timid Paces in his way he had conquered the world which was what Clifford wanted to do Ways and Means were those of michelis more Despicable than those of Clifford was the way the poor Outsider had shoved and bounced himself forward in person and by the back doors any worse than Clifford’s way of advertising himself into prominence the [ __ ] goddess success was trailed by thousands of gasping dogs with lulling tongues the one that got her first was the real dog among dogs if you go by success so michis could keep his tail up the queer thing was he didn’t he came back towards tea time with a large handful of violets and lies and the same hang dog expression Connie wondered sometimes if it were a sort of mask to disarm opposition because it was almost too fixed was he really such a sad dog his Sad Dog sort of extinguished self persisted all the evening though through it Clifford felt the inner erron Connie didn’t feel it perhaps because it was not directed against women only against men and their presumptions and assumptions that indestructible inward eony in the meager fellow was what made men so down on michaus his very presence was an affront to a man of society cloaked as he might in an assumed good manner Connie was in love with him but she managed to sit with her embroidery and let the men talk and not give herself away as for mes he was perfect exactly the same melancholic attentive a Loof young fellow of the previous evening millions of degrees remote from his hosts but laconically playing up to them to the required amount and never coming forth to them for a moment Connie felt he must have forgotten the morning he had not forgotten but he knew where he was in the same old place outside where the born Outsiders are he didn’t take the love making altogether personally he knew it would not change him from an ownerless dog whom everybody begrudges its golden colar into a comfortable Society dog the final fact being that at the very bottom of his soul he was an outsider and antisocial and he accepted the fact inwardly no matter how Bond streaty he was on the outside his isolation was a necessity to him just as the appearance of conformity and mixing in with the smart people was also a necessity but occasional love as a comfort and soothing was also a good thing and he was not ungrateful on the contrary he was burningly poignantly grateful for a piece of natural spontaneous kindness almost to tears beneath his pale immobile disillusioned face his child’s Soul was sobbing with gratitude to the woman and Bernie to come to her again just as his Outcast Soul was knowing he would keep really clear of her he found an opportunity to say to her as they were lighting the candles in the hall may I come I’ll come to you she said oh good he waited for her a long time but she came he was the trembling excited sort of lover whose crisis soon came and was finished there was something curiously childlike and defenseless about his naked body as children are naked his defenses were all in his wits and cunning his very instincts of cunning and when these were in abeyance he seemed doubly naked and like a child of Unfinished tender flesh and somehow struggling helplessly he roused in the woman a wild sort of compassion and yearning and a wild craving physical desire the physical desire he did not satisfy in her he was always come and finished so quickly then shrinking down on her breast and recovering somewhat his eony while she lay dazed disappointed lost but then she soon learned to hold him to keep him there inside her when his crisis was over and there he was generous and curiously potent he stayed firm inside her giving to her while she was active wildly passionately active coming to her own crisis and as he felt the frenzy of her achieving her own orgasmic satisfaction from his hard erect paity he had a curious sense of Pride and satisfaction ah how good she whispered tremulously and became quite still clinging to him and he lay there in his own isolation but somehow proud he stayed that time only the three days and to Clifford was exactly the same as on the first evening to Connie also there was no breaking down his external man he wrote to Connie with the same plaintive Melancholy note as ever sometimes witty and touched with a queer sexless affection a kind of hopeless affection he seemed to feel for her and the essential remoteness remained the same he was hopeless at the very core of him and he wanted to be hopeless he rather hated hope un imense esperence at Travis leri he read somewhere and his comment was colon and its darned well drowned everything worth having Connie never really understood him but in her way she loved him and all the time she felt the reflection of his hopelessness in her she couldn’t quite quite love in hopelessness and he being her hopeless couldn’t ever quite love at all so they went on for quite a time writing and meeting occasionally in London she still wanted the physical sexual thrill she could get with him by her own activity his little orgasm being over and he still wanted to give it her which was enough to keep them connected and enough to give her a subtle sort of self assurance something blind and a little arrogant it was an almost mechanical confidence in her own powers and went with a great cheerfulness she was terrifically cheerful at ragby and she used all her aroused cheerfulness and satisfaction to stimulate Clifford so that he wrote his best at this time and was almost Happy in his strange blind way he really reaped the fruits of the sensual satisfaction she got out of Michaela’s male passivity erect inside her but of course he never knew it and if he had he wouldn’t have said Thank You Yet when those days of her grand joyful cheerful ulness and stimulus were gone quite gone and she was depressed and irritable how Clifford longed for them again perhaps if he’d known he might even have wished to get her and michis together again chapter 4 Connie always had a forboding of the hopelessness of her affair with Mick as people called him yet other men seemed to mean nothing to her she was attached to Clifford he wanted a good deal of her life and she gave it to him but she wanted a good deal from the life of a man and this Clifford did not give her could not there were occasional spasms of micheles but as she knew by forboding that would come to an end Mick couldn’t keep anything up it was part of his very being that he must break off any connection and be loose isolated absolutely lone dog again it was his major necessity even though he always said she turned me down the world is supposed to be full of possibilities but they narrow down to pretty few in most personal experience there’s lots of good fish in the sea maybe but the vast masses seem to be mackerel or Herring and if you’re not mackerel or Herring yourself you are likely to find very few good fish in the sea Clifford was making strides into Fame and even money people came to see him Connie nearly always had somebody at ragby but if they weren’t Mel they were hering with an occasional catfish or coner eel there were a few regular men constant men who had been at Cambridge with Clifford there was Tommy Dukes who had remained in the Army and was a brigadier general the Army leaves me time to think and saves me from having to face the Battle of life he said there was Charles may an Irishman who wrote scientifically about stars there was Hammond another writer all were about the same age as Clifford the young intellectuals of the day they all believed in the life of the Mind what you did apart from that was your private Affair and didn’t much matter no one thinks of inquiring of another person at what hour he retires to the privy it isn’t interesting to anyone but the person concerned and so with most of the matters of ordinary life how you make your money or whether you love your wife or if you have affairs all these matters concern only the person concerned and like going to the privy have no interest for anyone else the whole point about the sexual problem said Hammond who was a tall thin fellow with a wife and two children but much more closely connected with a typewriter is that there is no point to it strictly there is no problem we don’t want to follow a man into the WC so why should we want to follow him into bed with a woman and therein lies the problem if we took no more notice of the one thing than the other that’ be no problem it’s all utterly senseless and pointless a matter of misplaced curiosity quite Hammond quite but if someone starts making love to Julia you begin to simmer and if he goes on you are soon at Boiling Point Julia was Hammond’s wife why exactly so I should be if he began to urinate in a corner of my drawing room there’s a place for all these things you mean you wouldn’t mind if he made love to Julia in some discreet alve Charlie May was slightly satirical for he had flirted a very little with Julia and Hammond had cut up very roughly of course I should mind sex is a private thing between me and Julia and of course I should mind anyone else trying to mix in as a matter of fact said the lean and freckled Tommy Dukes who looked much more Irish than May who was pale and rather fat as a matter of fact Hammond you have a strong property Instinct and a strong will to self assertion and you want success since I’ve been in the Army definitely I’ve got out of the way of the world and now I see how inordinately strong the craving for self assertion and success is in men it is enormously overdeveloped all our individuality has run that way and of course men like you think you’ll get through better with a woman’s backing that’s why you’re so jealous that’s what sex is to you a vital little Dynamo between you and Julia to bring success if you began to be unsuccessful you’d begin to flirt like Charlie who isn’t successful married people like you and Julia have labels on you like Travelers trunks Julia is labeled Mrs Arnold be hammonded just like a trunk on the railway that belongs to somebody and you are labeled Arnold beh hammonded care of Mrs Arnold beh hammonded oh you’re quite right you’re quite right the life of the Mind needs a comfortable house and decent cooking you’re quite right it even needs posterity but it all hinges on the Instinct for success that is the pivot on which all things turn Hammond looked rather peaked he was rather proud of the Integrity of his mind and of his not being a Time server nonetheless he did want success it’s quite true you can’t live without cash said May you’ve got to have a certain amount of it to be able to live and get along even to be free to think you must have a certain amount of money or your stomach stops you but it seems to me you might leave the labels off sex we’re free to talk to anybody so why shouldn’t we be free to make love to any woman who inclines us that way there speaks the lascivious kelt said Clifford lascivious well why not I can’t see I do a woman any more harm by Sleeping with her than by dancing with her or even talking to her about the weather it’s just an interchange of Sensations instead of ideas so why not be as promiscuous as the rabbits said h Amed why not what’s wrong with rabbits are they any worse than a neurotic revolutionary Humanity full of nervous hate but we’re not rabbits even so said Hammond precisely I have my mind I have certain calculations to make in certain astronomical matters that concern me almost more than life or death sometimes indigestion interferes with me hunger would interfere with me disastrously in the same way starved sex interferes with me what then I should have thought sexual indigestion from surfit would have interfered with you more seriously said Hammond satirically not it I don’t overeat myself and I don’t over [ __ ] myself one has a choice about eating too much but you would absolutely starve me not at all you can marry how do you know I can it may not suit the process of my mind marriage might and would stultify my mental processes I’m not properly pivoted that way and so must I be chained in a kennel like a monk all rotten Funk my boy I must live and do my calculations I need women sometimes I refuse to make a mountain of it and I refuse anybody’s moral condemnation or prohibition I’d be ashamed to see a woman walking around with my name label on her a dress and railway station like a wardrobe trunk these two men had not forgiven each other about the Julia flirtation it’s an amusing idea Charlie said Dukes that sex is just another form of talk where you act the words instead of saying them I suppose it’s quite true I suppose we might exchange as many Sensations and emotions with women as we do ideas about the weather and so on sex might be a sort of normal physical conversation between a man and a woman you don’t talk to a woman unless you have ideas in that is you don’t talk with any interest and in the same way unless you had some emotion or sympathy in common with a woman you wouldn’t sleep with her but if you had if you have the proper sort of emotion or sympathy with a woman you ought to sleep with her said May it’s the only decent thing to go to bed with her just as when you are interested talking to someone the only decent thing is to have the talk out you don’t prudishly put your tongue between your teeth and bite it you just say out your say and the same the other way no said Hammond it’s wrong you for example may you squander half your force with women you’ll never really do what you should do with a fine mind such as yours too much of it goes the other way maybe it does and too little of you goes that way Hammond my boy married or not you can keep the Purity and integrity of your mind but it’s going down dry your pure mind is going as dry as Fiddlesticks from what I see of it you’re simply talking it down Tommy Dukes burst into a laugh go it you two mins he said look at me I don’t do any high and pure mental work nothing but jot down a few ideas and yet I neither marry nor run after women I think Charlie’s quite right if he wants to run after the women he’s quite free not to run too often but I wouldn’t prohibit him from running as for Hammond he’s got a property Instinct so naturally the straight road and the narrow gate are write for him you’ll see he’ll be an English man of letters before he’s done ABC from top to toe then there’s me I’m nothing just a squib and what about you Clifford do you think sex is a Dynamo to help a man onto success in the world Clifford rarely talked much at these times he never held forth his ideas were really not vital enough for it he was too confused and emotional now he blushed and looked uncomfortable well he said being myself order a combat I don’t see I’ve anything to say on the matter not at all said Dukes the top of yous by no means order combat you’ve got the life of the Mind sound and intact so let us hear your ideas well stammered Clifford even then I don’t suppose I have much idea I suppose marry and have done with it would pretty well stand for what I think though of course between a man and woman who care for one another it is a great thing what sort of great thing said Tommy oh it perfects the intimacy said Clifford uneasy as a woman in such talk well Charlie and I believe that sex is a sort of communication like speech let any woman start a sex conversation with me and it’s natural for me to go to bed with her to finish it all in due season unfortunately no woman makes any particular start with me so I go to bed by myself and am none the worse for it I hope so anyway for how should I know anyhow I’ve no Starry calculations to be interfered with and no Immortal Works to write I’m merely a fellow skulking in the Army silence fell the four men smoked and Connie sat there and put another stitch in her sewing yes she sat there she had to sit mom she had to be quiet as a mouse not to interfere with the immensely important speculations of these highly mental gentlemen but she had to be there they didn’t get on so well without her their ideas didn’t flow so freely Clifford was much more hedgy and nervous he got cold feet much quicker in Connie’s absence and the talk didn’t run Tommy Dukes came off best he was a little inspired by her presence ham and she she didn’t really like he seemed so selfish in a mental way and Charles May though she liked something about him seemed a little distasteful and messy in spite of his Stars how many evenings had Connie sat and listened to the manifestations of these four men these and one or two others that they never seemed to get anywhere didn’t trouble her deeply she liked to hear what they had to say especially when Tommy was there it was fun instead of men kissing you you and touching you with their bodies they revealed their minds to you it was great fun but what cold minds and also it was a little irritating she had more respect for michaus on Whose name they all poured such withering contempt as a little Mongrel arist and uneducated Bounder of the worst sort Mongrel and Bounder or not he jumped to his own conclusions he didn’t merely walk Round them with millions of words in the parade of the life of the Mind Connie quite liked the life of the mind and got a great thrill out of it but she did think it overdid itself a little she loved being there amidst the tobacco smoke of those famous evenings of the cronies as she called them privately to herself she was infinitely amused and proud too that even their talking they could not do without her silent presence she had an immense respect for thought and these men at least tried to think honestly but somehow there was was a cat and it wouldn’t jump they all alike talked at something though what it was for the life of her she couldn’t say it was something that Mick didn’t clear either but then Mick wasn’t trying to do anything but just get through his life and put as much across other people as they tried to put across him he was really antisocial which was what Clifford and his cronies had against him Clifford and his cronies were not antisocial they were more or less bent on saving mankind or on instructing it to say the least there was a gorgeous talk on Sunday evening when the conversation drifted again to love blessed be the tie that binds our hearts in Kindred something or other said Tommy Dukes I’d like to know what the tie is the Tie that binds us just now is mental friction on one another and apart from that there’s damned little tie between us we bust apart and say spiteful things about one another like all the other damned int uals in the world damned everybody’s as far as that goes for they all do it else we bust apart and cover up the spiteful things we feel against one another by saying false sugaries it’s a curious thing that the mental life seems to flourish with its roots in spite ineffable and fathomless spite always has been so look at Socrates in Plato and his Bunch round him the sheer spite of it all just sheer joy and pulling somebody else to bits protect agus or whoever it was and alabes and all the other little disciple dogs joining in the fry I must say it makes one prefer Buddha quietly sitting under a bow tree or Jesus telling his disciples little Sunday stories peacefully and without any mental fireworks no there’s something wrong with the mental life radically it’s rooted in spite and envy envy and spite you shall know the tree by its fruit I don’t think altogether so spiteful protested Clifford my dear Clifford think of the way we talk each other over all of us I’m rather worse than anybody else myself because I infinitely prefer the spontaneous spite to the concocted sugaries now they are poison when I begin saying what a fine fellow Clifford is etc etc then poor Clifford is to be pied for God’s sake all of you say spiteful things about me then I shall know I mean something to you don’t say sugaries or I’m done oh but I do think we honestly like one another said Hammond I tell you we must we say such spiteful things to one another about one another behind our backs I’m the worst and I do think you confuse the mental life with the critical activity I agree with you Socrates gave the critical activity a grand start but he did more than that said Charlie May rather magisterially the cronies had such a curious pomposity under their assumed modesty it was also ex cathedr and it all pretended to be so humble Dukes refused to be drawn about Socrates that’s quite true criticism and knowledge are not the same thing said Hammond the aunt of course chimed in Berry a brown shy young man who had called to see dukes and was staying the night they all looked at him as if the ass had spoken I wasn’t talking about knowledge I was talking about the mental life laughed Dukes real knowledge comes out of the whole Corpus of the Consciousness out of your belly and your penis as much as out of your brain and mind the mind can only analyze and rationalize set the mind and the reason to [ __ ] it over the rest and all they can do is to criticize and make a deadness I say all they can do it is vastly important my God the world needs criticizing today criticizing to death therefore let’s live the mental life and glory in our Spite and strip the rotten old show but mind you it’s like this while you live your life you are in some way an organic hole with all life but once you start the mental life you pluck the Apple you’ve severed the connection between the apple and the tree the organic connection and if you’ve got nothing in your life but the mental life then you yourself are a plucked Apple you’ve fallen off the tree and then it is a logical necessity to be spiteful just as it’s a natural necessity for a plucked Apple to go bad Clifford made big eyes it was all stuff to him Connie secretly laughed to herself well then we all plucked apples said Hammond rather acidly and petulantly so letun make cider of ourselves said Charlie but what do you think of bolshevism put in the brown Berry as if everything had led up to it Bravo roared Charlie what do you think of bolshevism come on let’s make hay of bolshevism said Dukes I’m afraid bolshevism is a large question said Hammond shaking his head seriously bolism it seems to me said Charlie is just a superlative hatred of the thing they call the Bourgeois and what the Bourgeois is isn’t quite defined it is capitalism among other things feelings and emotions are also so decidedly Bourgeois that you have to invent a man without them then the individual especially the personal man is Bourgeois so he must be suppressed you must submerge yourselves in the greater thing the Soviet Social thing even an organism is Bourgeois so the ideal must be mechanical the only thing that is a unit non-organic composed of many different yet equally essential Parts is the machine each man a machine part and the driving power of the machine hate hate of the Bourgeois that to me is bolshevism absolutely said Tommy but also it seems to me a perfect description of the whole of the industrial ideal it’s the factory owner’s ideal in a nutshell except that he would deny that the driving power was hate hate it is all the same hate of life itself just look at these Midlands if it isn’t plainly written up but it’s all part of the life of the mind it’s a logical development I deny that bolshevism is logical it rejects the major part of the premises said Hammond my dear man it allows the material premise so does the pure mind exclusively at least bolshevism has got down to Rock Bottom said Charlie rock bottom the bottom that has no bottom the bullist will have the finest army in the world in a very short time with the finest mechanical equipment but this thing can’t go on this hate business there must be a reaction said Hammond well we’ve been waiting for years we wait longer Hate’s a growing thing like anything else it’s the inevitable outcome of forcing ideas onto life of forcing one’s deepest instincts our deepest feelings we force according to certain ideas we drive ourselves with a formula like a machine The Logical mind pretends to rule the roost and and the roost turns into pure hate we’re all bolshevist only we are hypocrites the Russians are bists without hypocrisy but there are many other ways said Hammond than the Soviet way the bists aren’t really intelligent of course not but sometimes it’s intelligent to be half-witted if you want to make your end personally I consider bolism half-witted but so do I consider our social life in the west half-witted so I even consider our far-famed mental life half-witted we’re all as cold as kettins we’re all as passionless as idiots we’re all of us bists only we give it another name we think we’re Gods men like Gods it’s just the same as bolism one has to be human and have a heart and a penis if one is going to escape being either a God or a bolshevist for they are the same thing they’re both too good to be true out of the disapproving silence came Barry’s anxious question you do believe in love then Tommy don’t you you lovely lad said Tommy no my cherub nine times out of 10 no loves another of those half- wited performances today fellows with swaying wastes [ __ ] little Jazz girls with small boy buttocks like two collor studs do you mean that sort of Love or the joint property make a success of it my husband my wife sort of love no my fine fellow I don’t believe in it at all but you do believe in something me oh intellectually I believe in having a good heart a chirpy penis a lively intelligence and the courage to say [ __ ] in front of a lady well you’ve got them all said Barry Tommy Dukes roared with laughter you angel boy if only I had if only I had no my heart’s as numb as a potato my penis droops and never lifts its head up I dare rather cut him clean off than say [ __ ] in front of my mother or my aunt they are real ladies mind you and I’m not really intelligent I’m only a mental lifer it would be wonderful to be intelligent then one would be alive in all the parts mentioned and unmentionable the penis Rouses his head and says how do you do to any really intelligent person renois said he painted his pictures with his penis he did two lovely pictures I wish I did something with mine God when one can only talk another torture added to Hades and Socrates started it there are nice women in the world said Connie lifting her head up and speaking at last the men resented it she should have pretended to hear nothing they hated her admitting she had attended so closely to such talk my God if they be not nice to me what care I how nice they be no it’s hopeless I just simply can’t vibrate in unison with a woman there’s no woman I can really want when I’m faced with her and I’m not going to start forcing myself to it my God no I’ll remain as I am and lead the mental life it’s the only honest thing I can do I can be quite happy talking to women but it’s all pure hopelessly pure hopelessly pure what do you say hilderbrand my chicken it’s much less complicated if one stays pure said Berry yes life is all too simple chapter 5 on a frosty morning with a little February Sun Clifford and Connie went for a walk across the park to the wood that is Clifford chuffed in his motor chair and Connie walked beside him the hard air was still sulfurous but they were both used to it round the near Horizon went the haze opalescent with Frost and smoke and on the top lay the small blue sky so that it was like being inside an enclosure always inside life always a dream or a frenzy inside an enclosure the Sheep coughed in the rough sear grass of the park where Frost lay bluish in the sockets of the Tufts across the park ran a path to the Woodgate a fine ribbon of pink Clifford had had it newly graveled with sifted gravel from the pit Bank when The Rock and refu of the underworld had had burned and given off its sulfur it turned bright pink shrimp colored on dry days darker crab colored on wet now it was pale shrimp color with a bluish white [ __ ] of frost it always pleased Connie this underfoot of sifted bright pink it’s an ill wind that brings nobody good Clifford steered cautiously down the slope of the null from the hall and Connie kept her hand on the chair in front lay the wood the Hazel Thicket nearest the purple is density of Oaks Beyond from the Woods Edge rabbits bobbed and nibbled Rooks suddenly Rose in a black train and went trailing off over the little Sky Connie opened the wood gate and Clifford puffed slowly through into the broad riding that ran up an incline between the clean whipped thickets of the Hazel the wood was a remnant of the great Forest where Robin Hood hunted and this riding was an old old Thorofare coming across country but now of course it was only a riding through the private wood the road from Mansfield swerved round to the north in the wood everything was motionless the old leaves on the ground keeping the frost on their Underside A J called harshly many little birds fluttered but there was no game no pheasants they had been killed off during the war and the wood had been left unprotected till now Clifford had got his gamekeeper again Clifford loved the wood he loved the old oak trees he felt they were his own through generations he wanted to protect them he wanted this place in Violet shut off from the world the chair chuffed slowly up the incline rocking and jolting on the Frozen clouds and suddenly on the left came a clearing where there was nothing but a ravel of dead braen a thin and spindly sapling leaning here and there bsor stumps showing their tops and their grasping Roots lifeless and patches of Blackness where the Woodman had burned the Brushwood and rubbish this was one of the places that Sir Jeffrey had cut during the war for trench Timber the whole null which rose Softly on the right of the riding was denuded and strangely forlorn on the crown of the null where the Oaks had stood now was baress and from there you could look out over the trees to the cery railway and the new works at Stacks gate Connie had stood and looked it was a breach in the pure seclusion of the wood it let in the world but she didn’t tell Clifford this denuded Place always made Clifford curiously angry he had been through the war had seen what it meant but he didn’t get really angry till he saw this bare Hill he was having it replanted but it made him hate Sir Jeffrey Clifford sat with a fixed face as the chair slowly mounted when they came to the top of the rise he stopped he would not risk the long and very jolty down slope he sat looking at the greenish sweep of the riding downwards a clear way through the Bracken and Oaks it swerved at the bottom of the hill and disappeared but it had such a lovely easy curve of nights riding and ladies on pfre I consider this is really the heart of England said Clifford to Connie as he sat there in the dim February sunshine do you she said seating herself in her blue knitted dress on a stump by the path I do this is the old England the heart of it and I intend to keep it intact oh yes said Connie but as she said it she heard the 11:00 Hooters at Stacks gate cery Clifford was too used to the sound to notice I want this would perfect untouched I want nobody to trespass in it said Clifford there was a certain paos the wood still had some of the mystery of wild old England but sir jeffy’s cuting during the war had given it a blow how still the trees were with their crinkly innumerable Twigs against the sky and their gray obstinate trunks rising from the brown Bracken how safely the birds flitted among them and once there had been deer and archers and monks padding Along on asses the place remembered still remembered Clifford sat in the pale sun with the light on his smooth rather blonde hair his reddish full face inscrutable I mind more not having a son when I come here than any other time he said but the wood is older than your family said Connie gently quite said Clifford but we’ve preserved it except for us it would go it would be gone already like the rest of the forest one must preserve some of the old England must one said Connie if it has to be preserved and preserved against the New England it’s sad I know if some of the old England isn’t preserved there’ll be no England at all said Clifford and we who have this kind of property and the feeling for it must preserve it there was a sad pause yes for a little while said Connie for a little while it’s all we can do we can only do our bit I feel every man of my family has done his bit here since we’ve had the place one may go against convention but one must keep up tradition again there was a pause what tradition asked Connie the tradition of England of this yes she said slowly that’s why having a son helps one is only a link in a chain he said Connie was not keen on chains but she said nothing she was thinking of the Curious impersonality of his desire for a son I’m sorry we can’t have a son she said he looked at her steadily with his full pale blue eyes it would almost be a good thing if you had a child by another man he said if we brought it up at ragby it would belong to us and to the place I don’t believe very intensely in fatherhood if we had the child to rear it would be our own and it would carry on don’t you think it’s worth considering Connie looked up at him at last the child her child was just an it to him it it it but what about the other man she asked does it matter very much do these things really affect us very deeply you had that lover in Germany what is it now nothing almost it seems to me that it isn’t these little acts and little connections we make in our lives that matter so very much they pass away and where are they where where are the Snows of yester year it’s what endures through one’s life that matters my own life matters to me in its long continuance and development but what do the occasional connections matter and the occasional sexual connections especially if people don’t exaggerate them ridiculously they pass like the mating of birds and so they should what does it matter it’s the lifelong companionship that matters it’s the living together from day to day not the sleeping together once or twice you and I are married no matter what happens to us we have the habit of each other and Habit to my thinking is more vital than any occasional excitement the long slow enduring thing that’s what we live by not the occasional spasm of any sort little by little living together two people fall into a sort of Unison they vibrate so intricately to one another that’s the real secret of marriage not sex at least not the simple function of sex you and I are interwoven in a marriage if we stick to that we ought to be able to arrange this sex thing as we arrange going to the dentist since Fate has given us a Checkmate physically there Connie sat and listened in a sort of Wonder and a sort of fear she did not know if he was right or not there was michelis whom she loved so she said to herself but her love was somehow only an Excursion from her marriage with Clifford the long slow habit of intimacy formed through years of suffering and patience perhaps the human soul needs excursions and must not be denied them but the point of an Excursion is that you come home again and wouldn’t you mind what man’s child I had she asked why Connie I should trust your natural instinct of decency and selection you just wouldn’t let the wrong sort of fellow touch you she thought of micheles he was absolutely Clifford’s idea of the wrong sort of fellow but men and women may have different feelings about the wrong sort of fellow she said no he replied you care for me I don’t believe you would ever care for a man who was purely antipathetic to me your Rhythm wouldn’t let you she was silent logic might be unanswerable because it was so absolutely wrong and should you expect me to tell you she asked glancing up at him almost furtively not at all I’d better not know but you do agree with me don’t you that the casual sex thing is nothing compared to the long life lived together don’t you think one can just subordinate the sex thing to the necessities of a long life just use it since that’s what we’re driven to after all do these temporary excitements matter isn’t the whole problem of Life the slow building up of an integral personality through the years living an integrated life there’s no point in a disintegrated life if lack of sex is going to disintegrate you then go out and have a love affair if lack of a child is going to disintegrate you then have a child if you possibly can but only do these things so that you have an integrated life that makes a long harmonious thing and you and I can do that together don’t you think if we adapt ourselves to the necessities and at the same time weave the adaptation together into a peace with our steadily lived life don’t you agree Connie was a little overwhelmed by his words she knew he was right theoretically but when she actually touched her steadily lived life with him she hesitated was it actually her Destiny to go on weaving herself into his life all the rest of her life nothing else was it just that she was to be content to weave a steady life with him all one fabric but perhaps briaded with the occasional flower of an adventure but how could she know what she would feel next year how could one ever know how could one say yes years and years the little yes gone on a breath why should one be pinned down by that butterfly word of course it had to flutter away and be gone to be followed by other yeses and NOS like the straying of butterflies I think you’re right Clifford and as far as I can see I agree with you only life may turn quite a new face on it all but until life turns a new face on it all you do agree oh yes I think I do really she was watching a brown spaniel that had run out of a side path and was looking towards them with lifted nose making a soft fluffy bark a man with a gun stroe swiftly softly out after the dog facing their way as if about to attack them then stopped instead saluted and was turning downhill it was only the new gamekeeper but he had frightened Connie he seemed to emerge with such a swift Menace that was how she had seen him like the Sudden Rush of a threat out of nowhere he was a man in dark green velvetines and Gators the old style with a red face and red mustache and distant eyes he was going quickly downhill melas called Clifford the man faced lightly round and saluted with a quick little gesture a soldier will you turn the chair around and get it started that makes it easier said Clifford the man at once slung his gun over his shoulder and came forward with the same curious Swift yet soft movements as if keeping invisible he was moderately tall and lean and was silent he did not look at Connie at all only at the chair Connie this is the new gamekeeper mellers you haven’t spoken to her ladyship yet mellers no sir came the ready neutral words the man lifted his hat as he stood showing his thick almost Fair hair he stared straight into Connie’s eyes with a perfect Fearless impersonal look as if he wanted to see what she was like he made her feel shy she bent her head to him shyly and he changed his hat to his left hand and made her a slight bow like a gentleman but he said nothing at all he remained for a moment still with his hat in his hand but you’ve been here sometime haven’t you Connie said to him 8 months Madam your ladyship he corrected himself calmly and do you like it she looked him in the eyes his eyes narrowed a little with irony perhaps with impudence why yes thank you your ladyship I was re here he gave another slight bow turned put his hat on and stro to take hold of the chair his voice on The Last Words had fallen into the heavy broad drag of the dialect perhaps also in mockery because there had been no trace of dialect before he might almost be a gentleman anyhow he was a curious quick separate fellow alone but sure of himself Clifford started the little engine the man carefully turned the chair and set it nose forwards to the incline that curved gently to the dark Hazel Thicket is that all then sir Clifford asked the man no you’d better come along in case she sticks the engine isn’t really strong enough for the uphill work the man glanced round for his dog a thoughtful glance the spaniel looked at him and faintly moved its tail a little smile mocking or teasing her yet gentle came into his eyes for a moment then faded away and his face was expressionless they went fairly quickly down the slope the man with his hand on the rail of the chair steadying it he looked like a free Soldier rather than a servant and something about him reminded Connie of Tommy Dukes when they came to the Hazel Grove Connie suddenly ran forward and opened the gate into the park as she stood holding it the two men looked at her in passing Clifford critically the other man with a curious cool Wonder impersonally wanting to see what she looked like and she saw in his blue impersonal eyes a look of suffering and Detachment yet a certain warmth but why was he so aloof apart Clifford stopped the chair once through the gate and the man came quickly courteously to close it why did you run to open asked Clifford in his quiet calm voice that showed he was displeased mellers would have done it I thought you would go straight ahead said Connie and leave you to run after us said Clifford oh well I like to run sometimes melis took the chair again looking perfectly unheeding yet Connie felt he noted everything as he pushed the chair up the steepish rise of the null in the park he breathed rather quickly through parted lips he was rather frail really curiously full of Vitality but a little frail and quenched her woman’s Instinct sensed it Connie fell back let the chair go on the day had grayed over the small blue sky that had poised low on its circular rims of haze was closed in again the lid was down there was a roar coldness it was going to snow all gray all gray the world looked worn out the chair waited at the top of the pink path Clifford looked round for Connie not tired are you he said oh no she said but she was a strange weary yearning a dissatisfaction had started in her Clifford did not notice those were not things he was aware of but the stranger knew to Connie everything in her world and life seemed worn out and her dissatisfaction was older than the hills they came to the house and around to the back where there were no steps Clifford managed to swing himself over onto the low wield house chair he was very strong and agile with his arms then Connie lifted the burden of his dead legs after him the keeper waiting at attention to be dismissed watched everything narrowly missing nothing he went pale with a sort of fear when he saw Connie lifting the inert legs of the man in her arms into the other chair Clifford pivoting round as she did so he was frightened thanks then for the help melas said Clifford casually as he began to wheel down the passage to the servants quarters nothing else sir came the neutral voice like one in a dream nothing good morning good morning sir good morning it was kind of you to push the chair up that hill I hope it wasn’t heavy for you said Connie looking back at the keeper outside the door his eyes came to hers in an instant as if wakened up he was aware of her oh no not heavy he said quickly then his voice dropped again into the broad sound of the vernacular good morning to your lady ship who is your gamekeeper Connie asked at lunch Mel you saw him said Clifford yes but where did he come from nowhere he was a tal boy son of a colia I believe and was he a colia himself blacksmith on the pit bank I believe overhead Smith but he was keeper here for 2 years before the war before he joined up my father always had a good opinion of him so when he came back and went to the pit for a blacksmith’s job I just took him back here as keeper I was really very glad to get him it’s almost impossible to find a good man around here for a gamekeeper and it needs a man who knows the people and isn’t he married he was but his wife went off with with various men but finally with a Coler at Stacks gate and I believe she’s living there still so this man is alone more or less he has a mother in the village and a child I believe Clifford looked at Hy with his pale slightly prominent Blue Eyes in which a certain vagueness was coming he seemed alert in the foreground but the background was like the Midland’s atmosphere Haze Smoky mist and the haze seemed to be creeping forward so when he stared at Connie in his peculiar way giving her his peculiar precise information she felt all the background of his mind filling up with mist with nothingness and it frightened her it made him seem impersonal almost to i y and dimly she realized one of the great laws of the human soul that when the emotional Soul receives a wounding shock which does not kill the body the soul seems to recover as the body recovers but this is only appearance it is really only the mechanism of the reassumed Habit slowly slowly the wound to the soul begins to make itself felt like a bruise which only slowly deepens its terrible ache till it fills all the psyche and when we think we have recovered forgotten it is then that the terrible After Effects have to be encountered at their worst so it was with Clifford once he was well once he was back at ragby and writing his stories and feeling sure of life in spite of all he seemed to forget and to have recovered all his equinity but now as the years went by slowly slowly Connie felt the bruise of fear and horror coming up and spreading in him for a time it had been so deep as to be numb as it were non-existent now slowly it began to assert itself in a spread of fear almost paralysis mentally he still was alert but the paralysis the bruise of the too great shock was gradually spreading in his effective self and as it spread in him Connie felt it spread in her an inward dread an emptiness an indifference to everything gradually spread in her soul when Clifford was roused he could still talk brilliantly and as it were command the future as when in the wood he talked about her having a child and giving an air to ragby but the day after all the brilliant words seemed like Dead Leaves crumpling up and turning to powder meaning really nothing Blown Away on any gust of wind they were not the leafy words of an effective life young with energy and belonging to the tree they were the hosts of fallen leaves of a life that is ineffectual so it seemed to her everywhere the Colliers at Tel were talking again of a strike and it seemed to Connie there again it was not a manifestation of energy it was the bruise of the war that had been in OB bance slowly rising to the surface and creating the great ache of unrest and stuper of discontent the bruise was deep deep deep the bruise of the fs in human War it would take many years for the living blood of the generations to dissolve the vast black clot of bruised blood deep inside their souls and bodies and it would need a new hope poor poor Connie as the years Drew on it was the fear of nothingness in her life that affected her Clifford’s mental life and hers gradually began to feel like nothingness their marriage their integrated life based on a habit of intimacy that he talked about there were days when it all became utterly blank and nothing it was words just so many words the only reality was nothingness and over it a hypocrisy of words there was Clifford’s success the [ __ ] goddess it was true he was Almost Famous and his books brought him in ,000 his photograph appeared everywhere there was a bust of him in one of the Galleries and a portrait of him in two galleries he seemed the most modern of modern voices with his uncanny lame Instinct for publicity he had become in four or five years one of the best known of the young intellectuals where the intellect came in Connie did not quite see Clifford was really clever at that lightly humorous analysis of people and motives which leaves everything in bits at the end but it was rather like puppies tearing the sofa cushions to bits except that it was not young and playful but curiously old and rather obstinately conceited it was weird and it was nothing this was the feeling that echoed and re-echoed at the bottom of Connie’s Soul it was all flag a wonderful display of nothingness at the same time a display a display a display a dis display michelis had seized upon Clifford as the central figure for a play already he had sketched in the plot and written the First Act for miches was even better than Clifford at making a display of nothingness it was the last bit of passion left in these men the passion for making a display sexually they were passionless even dead and now it was not money that michis was after Clifford had never been primarily out for money though he made it where he could for money is the seal and stamp of success and success was what they wanted they wanted both of them to make a real display a man’s own very display of himself that should capture for a Time the vast populace it was strange the prostitution to the [ __ ] goddess to Connie since she was really outside of it and since she had grown numb to the thrill of it it was again nothingness even the prostitution to the [ __ ] God is was nothingness though the men prostituted them elves innumerable times nothingness even that michelis wrote to Clifford about the play of course she knew about it long ago and Clifford was again thrilled he was going to be displayed again this time somebody was going to display him and to Advantage he invited michelis down to ragby with act one michis came in summer in a pale colored suit and white suede gloves with Mauve Orchids for Connie very lovely and act one was a great success even Connie was thrilled thrilled to what bit of marrow she had left and michelis thrilled by his power to Thrill was really wonderful and quite beautiful in Connie’s eyes she saw in him that ancient motionlessness of a race that can’t be disillusioned anymore an extreme perhaps of impurity that is pure on the far side of his Supreme prostitution to the [ __ ] goddess he seemed pure pure as an African Ivory mask that dreams impurity into Purity in its Ivory curves and plains his moment of sheer thrill with the two chates when he simply carried Cony and Clifford away was one of the Supreme moments of Michaela’s life he had succeeded he had carried them away even Clifford was temporarily in love with him if that is the way one can put it so next morning Mick was more uneasy than ever Restless devoured with his hands Restless in his trousers Pockets Connie had not visited Ed him in the night and he had not known where to find her cocky exclamation marked dot dot dot at his moment of Triumph he went up to her sitting room in the morning she knew he would come and his restlessness was evident he asked her about his play did she think it good he had to hear it praised that had affected him with the last thin thrill of passion Beyond any sexual orgasm and she praised it rapturously yet all the while at the bottom bottom of her soul she knew it was nothing look here he said suddenly at last why don’t you and I make a clean thing of it why don’t we marry but I am married she said amazed and yet feeling nothing oh that exclamation mark dot dot dot he’ll divorce you all right why don’t you and I marry I want to marry I know it would be the best thing for me marry and lead a regular life I lead The Duce of a life simply tearing myself to Pieces look here you and I we made for one another hand and glove why don’t we marry do you see any reason why we shouldn’t Connie looked at him amazed and yet she felt nothing these men they were all alike they left everything out they just went off from the top of their heads as if they were squibs and expected you to be carried heavenwards along with their own thin sticks but I am married already she said I can’t leave Clifford you know why not but why not he cried he’ll hardly know you’ve gone after 6 months he doesn’t know that anybody exists except himself why the man has no use for you at all as far as I can see he’s entirely wrapped up in himself Connie felt there was truth in this but she also felt that Mick was hardly making a display of selflessness aren’t all men wrapped up in themselves she asked oh more or less I allow a man’s got to be to get through but that’s not the point the point is what sort of a time can a man give a woman can he give her a damn good time or can’t he if he can’t he’s no right to the woman he paused and gazed at her with his full hazel eyes almost hypnotic now I consider he added I can give a woman the darest good time she can ask for I think I can guarantee myself and what sort of a good time asked Connie gazing on him still with a sort of Amazement that looked like thrill and underneath feeling nothing at all every sort of a good time damn it every sort dress Jewels up to a point any nightclub you like know anybody you want to know live the pace travel and be somebody wherever you go darn it every sort of good time he spoke it almost in a brilliancy of Triumph and Connie looked at him as if dazzled and really feeling nothing at all hardly even the surface of her mind was tickled at the glowing prospects he offered her hardly even her most outside self responded that at any other time would have been thrilled she just got no feeling from it she couldn’t go off she just sat and stared and looked dazzled and felt nothing only somewhere she smelt the extraordinarily unpleasant smell of the [ __ ] goddess Mick sat on tender hooks leaning forward in his chair glaring at her almost hysterically and whether he was more anxious out of vanity for her to say yes or whether he was more panic-stricken for fear she should say yes who can tell I should have to think about it she said I couldn’t say now it may seem to you Clifford doesn’t count but he does when you think how disabled he is oh damn it all if a fellow’s going to trade on his disabilities I might begin to say how L I am and always have been and all the rest of the my I Betty Martin so stuff damn it all if a fellow’s got nothing but disabilities to recommend him he turned aside working his hands furiously in his trousers Pockets that evening he said to her you are coming round to my room tonight aren’t you I don’t Dar know where your room is all right she said he was a more excited lover that night with his strange small boy’s frail nakedness Connie found it impossible to come to her crisis before he had really finished his and he roused a certain craving passion in her with his little boy’s nakedness and softness she had to go on after he had finished in the wild tumult and heaving of her loins while he heroically kept himself up and present in her with all his will and self-offering till she brought about her own crisis with weird little cries when at last he drew away from her he said in in a bitter almost sneering little voice you couldn’t go off at the same time as a man could you you’d have to bring yourself off you’d have to run the show this little speech at the moment was one of the shocks of her life because that passive sort of giving himself was so obviously his only real mode of intercourse what do you mean she said you know what I mean you keep on for hours after I’ve gone off and I have to hang on with my teeth until you bring yourself off by your own exertions she was stunned by this unexpected piece of brutality at the moment when she was glowing with a sort of pleasure beyond words and a sort of love for him because after all like so many Modern Men he was finished almost before he had begun and that forced the woman to be active but you want me to go on to get my own satisfaction she said he laughed grimly I want it he said that that’s good I want to hang on with my teeth clenched while you go for me but don’t you she insisted he avoided the question all the darned women are like that he said either they don’t go off at all as if they were dead in there or else they wait till a Chap’s really done and then they start in to bring themselves off and a Chap’s got to hang on I never had a woman yet who went off just at the same moment as I did Connie only half heard this piece of novel masculine information she was only stunned by his feeling against her his incomprehensible brutality she felt so innocent but you want me to have my satisfaction too don’t you she repeated oh all right I’m quite willing but I’m darned if hanging on waiting for a woman to go off is much of a game for a man this speech was one of the crucial blows of Connie’s life it killed something in her she had not been so very keen on michaus till he started it she did not want him it was as if she never positively wanted him but once he had started her it seemed only natural for her to come to her own crisis with him almost she had loved him for it almost that night she loved him and wanted to marry him perhaps instinctively he knew it and that was why he had to bring down the whole show with a smash the House of Cards her whole sexual feeling for him or for any man collapsed that night her life fell apart from his as completely as if he had never existed and she went through the days drearily there was nothing now but this empty treadmill of what Clifford called the integrated life the long living together of two people who are in the habit of being in the same house with one another nothingness to accept the great nothingness of Life seemed to be the one end of living all the many busy and important little things that make up the grandom total of nothingness chapter six why don’t men and women really like one another nowadays Connie asked Tommy Dukes who was more or less her Oracle oh but they do I don’t think since the human species was invented there has ever been a time when men and women have liked one another as much as they do today genuine liking take myself I really like women better than men they are braver one can be more Frank with them Connie pondered this ah yes but you never have anything to do with them she said I what am I doing but talking perfectly sincerely to a woman at this moment yes talking and what more could I do if you were a man then talk perfectly sincerely to you nothing perhaps but a woman a woman wants you to like her and talk to her and at the same time love her and desire her and it seems to me the two things are mutually exclusive but they shouldn’t be no doubt water ought not to be so wet as it is it overdo it in wetness but there it is I like women and talk to them and therefore I don’t love them and desire them the two things don’t happen at the same time in me I think they ought to all right the fact that things ought to be something else than what they are is not my department Connie considered this it is isn’t true she said men can love women and talk to them I don’t see how they can love them without talking and being friendly and intimate how can they well he said I don’t know what’s the use of my generalizing I only know my own case I like women but I don’t desire them I like talking to them but talking to them though it makes me intimate in One Direction sets me PS apart from them as far as kissing is concerned so there you are but don’t take me as a general example probably I’m just a special case one of the men who like women but don’t love women and even hate them if they force me into a pretense of Love or an entangled appearance but doesn’t it make you sad why should it not a bit I look at Charlie May and the rest of the men who have affairs no I don’t envy them a bit if fate sent me a woman I wanted well and good since I don’t know any woman I want and never see one why I presume I’m cold and really like some women very much do you like me very much and you see there’s no question of kissing between us is there none at all said Connie but oughtn’t there to be why in God’s name I like Clifford but what would you say if I went and kissed him but isn’t there a difference where does it lie as far as we can concerned we’re all intelligent human beings and the male and female business is in OB bance just in OB bance how would you like me to start acting up like a continental male at this moment and parading the sex thing I should hate it well then I tell you if I’m really a male thing at all I never run across the female of my species and I don’t miss her I just like women who’s going to force me into loving or pretending to love them well up the sex game no I’m not but isn’t something wrong you may feel it I don’t yes I feel something is wrong between men and women a woman has no glamour for a man anymore has a man for a woman she pondered the other side of the question not much she said truthfully then let’s leave it all alone and just be decent and simple like proper human beings with one another damn to the artificial sex compulsion I refuse it Connie knew he was right really yet it left her feeling so foror so foror and stray like a chip on a dreary Pond she felt what was the point of her or anything it was her youth which rebelled these men seemed so old and cold everything seemed old and cold and michis let one down so he was no good the men did didn’t want one they just didn’t really want a woman even Michaelis didn’t and the bounders who pretended they did and started working the sex game they were worse than ever it was just dismal and one had to put up with it it was quite true men had no real glamour for a woman if you could fool yourself into thinking they had even as she had fooled herself over michelis that was the best you could do meanwhile you just lived on and there was nothing to it she understood perfectly L well why people had cocktail parties and jazzed and charstone till they were ready to drop you had to take it out some way or other your youth or it ate you up but what a ghastly thing this youth you felt as old as Methuselah and yet the thing fisted somehow and didn’t let you be comfortable a mean sort of life and no Prospect she almost wished she had gone off with Mick and made her life one long cocktail party and Jazz evening anyhow that was better than just mooning yourself into the grave on one of her bad days she went out alone to walk in the wood ponderously heeding nothing not even noticing where she was the report of a gun not far off startled and angered her then as she went she heard voices and recoiled people she didn’t want people but her quick ear caught another sound and she roused it was a child sobbing at once she attended some someone was Ill treating a child she stroe swinging down the wet drive her Sullen resentment uppermost she felt just prepared to make a scene turning the corner she saw two figures in the drive Beyond her the keeper and a little girl in a purple coat and mkin cap crying ah shut it up far false little [ __ ] came the man’s angry voice and the child sobbed louder constant strowed nearer with blazing eyes the man turned and looked at her saluting cooly but he was pale with anger what’s the matter why is she crying demanded constant peremptory but a little breathless a faint smile like a snare came on the man’s face nay Y Man ax he replied callously in Broad vernacular Connie felt as if he had hit her in the face and she changed color then she gathered her Defiance and looked at him her dark blue eyes blazing rather vaguely I asked you she panted he gave a queer little bow lifting his hat you did your ladyship he said then with a return to the vernacular but I cannot tell you and he became a solder inscrutable only pale with annoyance Connie turned to the child a ruddy blackhaired thing of nine or 10 what is it dear tell me why you’re crying she said with the convention alized sweetness suitable more violent sobs self-conscious still more sweetness on Connie’s part there there don’t you cry tell me what they’ve done to you exclamation mark dot dot dot an intense tenderness of tone at the same time she felt in the pocket of her knitted jacket and luckily found a six don’t you cry then she said bending in front of the child see what I’ve got for you sobs Snuffles a fist taken from a blubbered face and a black shrewd I cast for a second on the Sixpence then more sobs but subduing there tell me what’s the matter tell me said Connie putting the coin into the child’s chubby hand which closed over it it’s the it’s the [ __ ] shuds of subsiding sobs what [ __ ] dear after a silence the shy fist flinching on Sixpence pointed into the Bramble br break there Connie looked and there sure enough was a big black cat stretched out grimly with a bit of blood on it oh she said in repulsion a poacher your ladyship said the man satirically she glanced at him angrily no wonder the child cried she said if you shot it when she was there no wonder she cried he looked into Connie’s eyes laconic contemptuous not hiding his feelings and again Connie flushed she felt she had been making a scene the man did not respect her what is your name she said playfully to the child won’t you tell me your name sniffs then very affectedly in a piping voice Connie mellers Connie mellers well that’s a nice name and did you come out with your daddy and he shot a [ __ ] but it was a bad [ __ ] the child looked at her with bold dark eyes of scrutiny sizing her up and her condolence I wanted to stop with my Gran said the little girl did you but where is your Gran the child lifted an arm pointing down the drive at TH Cottage at the cottage and would you like to go back to her sudden shuddering Quivers of reminiscent sobs yes come then shall I take you shall I take you to your grand then your daddy can do what he has to do she turned to the man it is your little girl isn’t it he saluted and made a slight movement of the head in affirmation I suppose I can take her to the cottage asked Connie if your ladyship wishes again he looked into her eyes with that calm searching detached glance a man very much alone and on his own would you like to come with me to the cottage to your grand dear the child peeped up again yes she simpered Connie disliked her the spoiled false little female nevertheless she wiped her face and took her hand The Keeper saluted in silence good morning said Connie it was nearly a mile to the cottage and Connie senior was well bored by Connie junor by the time the gamekeeper’s picturesque little home was in sight the child was already as full to the brim with tricks as a little monkey and so self assured at the cottage the door stood open and there was a rattling her inside Connie lingered the child slipped her hand and ran indoors gran gran why are you back already the grandmother had been black leing the stove it was Saturday morning she came to the door in her sacking apron a black Le brush in her hand and a black smudge on her nose she was a little rather dry woman why whatever she said hastily wiping her arm across her face as she saw Connie standing outside good morning said Connie she was crying so I just brought her home the grandmother looked around swiftly at the child why where was your dad the little girl clung to her grandmother’s skirts and simpered he was there said Connie but he shot a poaching cat and the child was upset oh you’d no right TI have bothered lady chatterly I’m sure I’m sure it was very good of you but you shouldn’t have bothered why did ever you see exclamation mark and the old woman turned to the child fancy lady chatly taken all that trouble over year why she shouldn’t have bothered it was no bother just a walk said Connie smiling why I’m sure it was very kind of you I must say so she was crying I knew there’d be something a four they got far she’s frightened of him that’s where it is seems e almost a stranger to H Fair a stranger and I don’t think they two as hit it off very easy he’s got funny ways Connie didn’t know what to say look Gran simpered the child the old woman looked down at the six pence in the little girl’s hand and six pence and all oh your ladyship you shouldn’t you shouldn’t why isn’t lady chatly good to you my word you’re a lucky girl this morning she pronounced the name as all the people did chatly isn’t lady chatly good to you exclamation mark Connie couldn’t help looking at the old woman’s nose and the latter again vaguely wiped her face with the back of her wrist but missed the smudge Connie was moving away well thank you ever so much lady chatly I’m sure say thank you to Lady chat apostrophe lay exclamation mark this last to the child thank you piped the child there’s a deer laughed Connie and she moved away saying good morning heartily relieved to get away from the contact curious she thought that that thin proud man should have that little sharp woman for a mother and the old woman as soon as Connie had gone rushed to the bit of mirror in the gallery and looked at her face seeing it she stamped her foot with impatience of course she had to catch me in my course apron and a dirty face nice idea she’d get of me Connie went slowly home to ragby home exclamation mark dot dot dot it was a warm word to use for that great weary Warren but then it was a word that had had its day it was somehow cancelled all the great words it seemed to Connie were canceled for her generation love joy happiness home mother father husband all these great Dynamic words were half dead now and dying from day to day home was a place you lived in love was a thing you didn’t fool yourself about Joy was a word you applied to a good Charleston happiness was a term of hypocrisy used to Bluff other people a father was an individual who enjoyed his own existence a husband was a man you lived with and kept going in spirits as for sex the last of the great words it was just a cocktail term for an excitement that bucked you up for a while then left you more raggy than ever Frid it was as if the very material you were made of was cheap stuff and was fraying out to nothing all that really remained was a stubborn stoicism and in that there was a certain pleasure in the very experience of the nothingness of Life phase after phase a tap after a tap there was a certain Grizzly satisfaction so that’s that always this was the last utterance home love marriage michaeles so that’s that and when one died the last words to life would be so that’s that money perhaps one couldn’t say the same there money one always wanted money success the [ __ ] goddess as Tommy Dukes persisted in calling it after Henry James that was a permanent necessity you couldn’t spend your last sue and say finally so that’s that no if you lived even another 10 minutes you wanted a few more sue for something or other just to keep the business mechanically going you needed money you had to have it money you have to have you needn’t really have anything else so that’s that since of course it’s not your own fault you are alive once you are alive money is a necessity and the only absolute necessity all the rest you can get along without at a pinch but not money emphatically that’s that she thought of micheles and the money she might have had with him and even that she didn’t want she preferred the lesser amount which she helped Clifford to make by his writing that she actually helped to make Clifford and I together we make 1200 a year out of writing so she put it to herself make money make it out of nowhere ring it out of the thin air the last feat to be human proud of the rest all my I Betty Martin so she ploted home to Clifford to join forces with him again to make another story out of nothingness and a story meant money Clifford seemed to care very much whether his stories were considered first class literature or not strictly she didn’t care nothing in it said her father £1,200 last year was the retort simple and final if you were young you just said your teeth and bit on and held on till the money began to flow from the invisible it was a question of power it was a question of will a subtle subtle powerful emanation of will out of yourself brought back to you the mysterious nothingness of money a word on a bit of paper it was a sort of magic certainly it was Triumph the [ __ ] goddess well if one had to prostitute oneself let it be to a [ __ ] goddess one could always despise her even while one pro prostituted oneself to her which was good Clifford of course had still many childish taboos and fetishes he wanted to be thought really good which was all [ __ ] cah hoopy nonsense what was really good was what actually caught on it was no good being really good and getting left with it it seemed as if most of the really good men just missed the bus after all you only lived one life and if you missed the bus you were just left on the pavement along with the rest of the failures Connie was contemplating a winter in London with Clifford next winter he and she had caught the bus all right so they might as well ride on top for a bit and show it the worst of it was Clifford tended to become vague absent and to fall into fits of vacant depression it was the wound to his psyche coming out but it made Connie want to scream oh God if the mechanism of the Consciousness itself was going to go wrong then what was one to do hang it all one did one’s bit was one to be let down absolutely sometimes she wept bitterly but even as she wept she was saying to herself silly fool wetting hankies as if that would get you anywhere since michis she had made up her mind she wanted nothing that seemed the simplest solution of the otherwise insoluble she wanted nothing more than what she’d got only she wanted to get ahead with what she’d got Clifford the stories ragby the lady chatterly business money and fame such as it was she wanted to go ahead with it all love sex all that sort of stuff just water ices lick it up and forget it if you don’t hang on to it in your mind it’s nothing sex especially nothing make up your mind to it and you solve the problem sex and a cocktail they both lasted about as long had the same effect and amounted to about the same thing but a child a baby that was still one of the sensations she would venture very gingely on that experiment there was the man to consider and it was curious there wasn’t a man in the world whose children you wanted mixed children repulsive thought as Leaf have a child to a rabbit Tommy Dukes he was very nice but somehow you couldn’t associate him with a baby another generation he ended in himself and out of all the rest of Clifford’s pretty wide acquaintance there was not a man who did not Rouse her contempt when she thought of having a child by him there were several who would have been quite possible as lover even Mick but to let them breed a child on you AK humiliation and Abomination so that was that nevertheless Connie had the child at the back of her mind wait wait she would sift the generations of men through her Civ and see if she couldn’t find one who would do go ye into the streets and by ways of Jerusalem and see if you can find a man it had been impossible to find a man in the Jerusalem of the Prophet though there were thousands of male humans but a man say un otra chose she had an idea that he would have to be a foreigner not an Englishman still less an Irishman a real Foreigner but wait wait next winter she would get Clifford to London the following winter she would get him abroad to the south of France Italy wait she was in no hurry about the child that was her own private Affair and the one point on which in her own queer female way she was serious to the bottom of her soul she was not going to risk any chance Comer not she one might take a lover almost at any moment but a man who should beget a child on one wait wait it’s a very different matter go ye into the streets and byways of Jerusalem it was not a question of love it was a question of a man why one might even rather hate him personally yet if he was the man what would one’s personal hate matter this business concerned another part of oneself it had rained as usual and the paths were too sod for Clifford’s chair But Connie would go out she went out alone every day now mostly in the wood where she was really alone she saw nobody there this day however Clifford wanted to send a message to the keeper and as the boy was laid up with influenza somebody always seemed to have influenza at ragby Connie said she would call at the cottage the air was soft and dead as if all the world were slowly dying gray and clammy and Silent even from the shuffling of the ceries for the pits were working short time and today they were stopped altogether the end of all things in the wood all was utterly inert and motionless only great drops fell from the bear boughs with a hollow little crash for the rest among the old trees was depth within depth of gray hopeless inertia silence nothingness Connie walked dimly on from the old wood came an ancient Melancholy somehow soothing to her better than the harsh insentience of the outer world she liked the inwardness of the remnant of forest the unspeaking reticence of the old trees they seemed a very power of silence and yet a vital presence they too were waiting obstinately stoically waiting and giving off a potency of Silence perhaps they were only waiting for the end to be cut down cleared away the end of the forest for them the end of all things but perhaps their strong and aristocratic silence the Silence of strong trees meant something else as she came out of the wood on the North side the Keeper’s Cottage a rather dark Brownstone Cottage with Gables and a handsome chimney looked uninhabited it was so silent and alone but a thread of smoke Rose from the chimney and the little railen Garden in the front of the house was dug and kept very tidy the door was shut now she was here she felt a little shy of the man with his curious farseeing eyes she did not like bringing him orders and felt like going away again she knocked softly no one came she knocked again but still not loudly there was no answer she peeped through the window and saw the dark little room with its almost Sinister privacy not wanting to be invaded she stood and listened and it seemed to her she heard sounds from the back of the cottage having failed to make herself heard her metal was roused she would not be defeated so she went round the side of the house at the back of the cottage the land Rose steeply so the backyard was sunken and enclosed by a low stone wall she turned the corner of the house and stopped in the little yard two paces Beyond her the man was washing himself utterly unaware he was naked to the hips his velvetine breaches slipping down over his slender loins and his white slim back was curved over a big bowl of soapy water in which he ducked his head shaking his head with a queer quick little motion lifting his slender white arms and pressing the soapy water from his ears quick subtle as a weasel playing with water and utterly alone Connie backed away round the corner of the house and hurried away to the wood in spite of herself she had had a shock after all merely a man washing himself commonplace enough heaven knows yet in some Curious way it was a Visionary experience it had hit her in the middle of the body she saw the clumsy breaches slipping down over the pure delicate White Lines the bones sh showing a little and the sense of aloneness of a creature purely alone overwhelmed her perfect white solitary nudity of a creature that lives alone and inwardly alone and beyond that a certain beauty of a pure creature not the stuff of beauty not even the body of beauty but a lambency the warm White Flame of a single life revealing itself in Contours that one might touch a body Connie had received the shock of vision in her womb and and she knew it it lay inside her but with her mind she was inclined to ridicule a man washing himself in a backyard No Doubt with evil smelling yellow soap she was rather annoyed why should she be made to stumble on these vulgar privacies so she walked away from herself but after a while she sat down on a stump she was too confused to think but in the coil of her confusion she was determined to deliver her message to the fellow she would not feel bked she must give him time to dress himself but not time to go out he was probably preparing to go out somewhere so she sauntered slowly back listening as she came near the cottage looked just the same a dog barked and she knocked at the door her heart beating in spite of herself she heard the man coming lightly downstairs he opened the door quickly and startled her he looked uneasy himself but instantly a laugh came on his face lady chatterly he said will you come in his manner was so perfectly easy and good she stepped over the threshold into the rather dreary little room I only called with a message from Sir Clifford she said in her soft rather breathless voice the man was looking at her with those blue allseeing eyes of his which made her turn her face aside a little he thought her comely almost beautiful in her shyness and he took command of the situation himself at once would you care to sit down he asked presuming she would not the door stood open no thanks sir Clifford wondered if you would and she delivered her message looking unconsciously into his eyes again and now his eyes looked warm and kind particularly to a woman wonderfully warm and kind and at ease very good your ladyship I will see to it at once taking an order his whole self had changed glazed over with a sort of hardness and distance Connie hesitated she ought to go but she looked round the clean tidy rather dreary little sitting room with something like dismay do you live here quite alone she asked quite alone your ladyship but your mother she lives in her own Cottage in the village with the child asked Connie with the child and his plain rather worn face took on an indefinable look of derision it was a face that changed all the time baffling no he said seeing Connie stand at a loss my mother comes and cleans up for me on Saturdays I do the rest myself again Connie looked at him his eyes were smiling again a little mockingly but warm and blue and somehow kind she wondered at him he was in trousers and flannel shirt and a great tie his hair soft and damp his face rather pale and worn looking when the eyes ceased to laugh they looked as if they had suffered a great deal still without losing their warmth but a p of isolation came over him she was not really there for him she wanted to say so many things and she said nothing only she looked up at him again and remarked I hope I didn’t disturb you the faint smile of mockery narrowed his eyes only combing my hair if you don’t mind I’m sorry I hadn’t a coat on but then I had no idea who was knocking nobody knocks here and the unexpected sounds ominous he went in front of her down the Garden Path to hold the gate in his shirt without the clumsy velvetine coat she saw again how Slender he was thin stooping a little yet as she passed him there was something young and bright in his fair hair and his quick eyes he would be man about 37 or 8 she plodded on into the wood knowing he was looking after her he upset her so much in spite of herself and he as he went indoors was thinking she’s nice she’s real she’s nicer than she knows she wondered very much about him he seemed so unlike a gamekeeper so unlike a working man anyhow although he had something in common with the local people but also something very uncommon the game keeper melis is a curious kind of person she said to Clifford he might almost be a gentleman might he said Clifford I hadn’t noticed but isn’t there something special about him Connie insisted I think he’s quite a nice fellow but I know very little about him he only came out of the army last year less than a year ago from India I rather think he may have picked up certain tricks out there perhaps he was an officer’s servant and improved on his position some of the men were like that but it does them no good they have to fall back into their old places when they get home again Connie gazed at Clifford contemplatively she saw in him the peculiar tight rebuff against any one of the lower classes who might be really climbing up which he knew was characteristic of his breed but don’t you think there is something special about him she asked frankly no nothing I had noticed he looked at her curiously uneasily half suspiciously and she felt he wasn’t telling her the real truth he wasn’t telling himself the real truth that was it he disliked any suggestion of a really exceptional human being people must be more or less at his level or below it Connie felt again the tightness nickerl of the men of her generation they were so tight so scared of Life chapter 7 when Connie went up to her bedroom she did what she had not done for a long time took off all her clothes and looked at herself naked in the huge mirror she did not know what she was looking for or at very definitely yet she moved the lamp till it Shone full on her and she thought as she had thought so often what a frail easily hurt rather pathetic thing a human body is naked somehow A little unfinished incomplete she had been supposed used to have rather a good figure but now she was out of fashion a little too female not enough like an adolescent boy she was not very tall a bit Scottish and short but she had a certain fluent Downs slipping Grace that might have been Beauty her skin was faintly tny her limbs had a certain Stillness her body should have had a full Downs slipping richness but it lacked something instead of ripening its firm down running curves her body was flattening and going a little harsh it was as if it had not had enough sun and warmth it was a little grayish and sapless disappointed of its real Womanhood it had not succeeded in becoming boyish and unsubstantial and transparent instead it had gone opaque her breasts were rather small and dropping pear-shaped but they were unripe a little bitter without meaning hanging there and her belly had lost the fresh round gleam it had had when she was young in the days of her German boy who really loved her physically then it was young and expectant with a real look of its own now it was going slack and a little flat thinner but with a slack thinness her thighs too they used to look so quick and glimps Y in their female roundness somehow they too were going flat slack meaningless her body was going meaningless going dull and opaque so much insignificant substance it made her feel immensely depressed and hopeless what what Hope was there she was old old at 27 with no gleam and Sparkle in the flesh old through neglect and denial yes denial fashionable women kept their bodies bright like delicate Porcelain by external attention there was nothing inside the porcelain but she was not even as bright as that the mental life suddenly she hated it with a rushing Fury the Swindle she looked in the other mirror’s reflection at her back her waist her lines she was getting thinner but to her it was not becoming the crumple of her waist at the back as she bent back to look was a little weary and it used to be so gayl looking and the longish slope of her haunches and her buttocks had lost its gleam and its sense of richness gone only the German boy had loved it and he was 10 years dead very nearly how time went by 10 years dead and she was only 27 the healthy boy with his fresh clumsy sensuality that she had then been so scornful of where would she find it now it was gone out of men they had their pathetic two second spasms like michis but no healthy human sensuality that warms the blood and freshens the whole being still she thought the most beautiful part of her was the long sloping fall of the haunches from the socket of the back and the slumberous round Stillness of the buttocks like hillocks of sand the Arabs say soft and downward slipping with a long slope here the life still lingered hoping but here too she was thinner and going unripe astringent but the front of her body made her miserable it was already beginning to slacken with a slack sort of thinness almost withered going old before it had ever really lived she thought of the child she might somehow bear was she fit anyhow she slipped into her night dress and went to bed where she sobbed bitterly and in her bitterness burned a cold indignation against Clifford and his writings and his talk against all the men of his sort who defrauded a woman even of her own body unjust unjust the sense of deep physical Injustice burned to her very soul but in the morning all the same she was up at 7 and going downstairs to Clifford she had to help him in all the intimate things for he had no man and refused A woman servant the house Keeper’s husband who had known him as a boy helped him and did any heavy lifting But Connie did the personal things and she did them willingly it was a demand on her but she had wanted to do what she could so she hardly ever went away from ragby and never for more than a day or two when Mrs Betts the housekeeper attended to Clifford he as was inevitable in the course of time took all the service for granted it was natural he should and yet deep inside herself a sense of Injustice of being defrauded had begun to burn in Connie the physical sense of Injustice is a dangerous feeling once it is awakened it must have Outlet or it eats away the one in whom it is aroused poor Clifford he was not to blame his was the greater Misfortune it was all part of the general catastrophe and yet was he not in a way to blame this lack of warmth this lack of the simple warm physical contact was he not to blame for that he was never really warm nor even kind only thoughtful considerate in a well-bred cold sort of way but never warm as a man can be warm to a woman as even Connie’s father could be warm to her with the warmth of a man who did himself well and intended to but who still could comfort a woman with a bit of his masculine glow but Clifford was not like that his whole race was not like that they were all inward hard and separate and warmth to them was just bad taste you had to get on without it and hold your own which was all very well if you were of the same class and race then you could keep yourself cold and be very estimable and hold your own and enjoy the satisfaction of holding it but if you were of another class and another race it wouldn’t do there was no fun merely holding your own and feeling you belong to the ruling class what was the point when even the smartest aristocrats had really nothing positive of their own to hold and their rule was really a f not rule at all what was the point it was all cold nonsense a sense of rebellion smoldered in Connie what was the good of it all what was the good of her sacrifice her devoting her life to Clifford what was she serving after all a cold Spirit of vanity that had no warm human contacts and that was as corrupt as any lowborn Jew in craving for prostit ution to the [ __ ] goddess success even Clifford’s cool and contactless assurance that he belonged to the ruling class didn’t prevent his tongue lulling out of his mouth as he panted after the [ __ ] goddess after all michelis was really more dignified in the matter and far far more successful really if you looked closely at Clifford he was a buffoon and a buffoon is more humiliating than a Bounder as between the two men michelis really had far more use for her than Clifford had he had even more need of her any good nurse can attend to crippled legs and as for the heroic effort michelis was a heroic rat and Clifford was very much of a poodle showing off there were people staying in the house among them Clifford’s Aunt Eva lady beny she was a thin woman of 60 with a red nose a widow and still something of a grand name she belonged to one of the best families and had the character to carry it off Connie liked her she was so perfectly simple and Frank as far as she intended to be frank and superficially kind inside herself she was a past mistress in holding her own and holding other people a little lower she was not at all a snob far too sure of herself she was perfect at the social sport of cooly holding her own and making other people defer to her she was kind to Connie and tried to worm into her woman’s soul with a sharp gimlet of her well-born observations you are quite wonderful in my opinion she said to Connie you’ve done wonders for Clifford I never saw any budding genius myself and there he is all the rage Aunt Eva was quite complacently proud of Clifford’s success another feather in the family cap she didn’t care a straw about his books but why should she oh I don’t think it’s my doing said Connie it must be can’t be anybody else’s and it seems to me you don’t get enough out of it how look at the way you are shut up here I said to Clifford if that child Rebels one day you’ll have yourself to thank but Clifford never denies me anything said Connie look Here My Dear child and Lady beny laid her thin hand on Connie’s arm a woman has to live her life or live to repent not having lived it believe me and she took another sip of Brandy which maybe was her for of repentance but I do live my life don’t I not in my idea Clifford should bring you to London and let you go about his sort of friends are all right for him but what are they for you if I were you I should think it wasn’t good enough you’ll let your youth slip by and you’ll spend your old age and your middle age too repenting it her ladyship lapsed into contemplative Silence soothed by the Brandy But Connie was not keen on going to London and being steered into the smart World by lady benley she didn’t feel really smart it wasn’t interesting and she did feel the peculiar with her in coldness under it all like the soil of Labrador which is gay little flowers on its surface and a foot down is frozen Tommy Dukes was at ragby and another man Harry winterslow and Jack strangeways with his wife Olive the talk was much more Desy than when only the cronies were there and everybody was bit bored for the weather was bad and there was only Billiards and the pianola to dance to Olive was reading a book about the future when babies would be bred in bottles and women would be immunized jolly good thing too she said then a woman can live her own life strange ways wanted children and she didn’t how would you like to be immunized winter slow asked her with an ugly smile I hope I Am Naturally she said anyhow the future’s going to have more sense and a woman needn’t be dragged down by her functions perhaps she’ll float off into space all together said Dukes I do think sufficient civilization ought to eliminate a lot of the physical disabilities said Clifford all the love business for example it might just as well go I suppose it would if we could breed babies in bottles no cried Olive that might leave all the more room for fun I suppose said lady beny contemplatively if the love business went something else would take its place morphia perhaps a little morphine in all the air it would be wonderfully refreshing for everybody the government releasing ether into the air on Saturdays for a cheerful weekend said Jack sounds all right but where should we be by Wednesday so long as you can forget your body you are happy said lady benley and the moment you begin to be aware of your body you are wretched so if civilization is any good it has to help us to forget our bodies and then time passes happily without our knowing it help us to get rid of our bodies alog together said Win slow it’s quite time man began to improve on his own nature especially the physical side of it imagine if we floated like tobacco smoke said Connie it won’t happen said Dukes our old show will come flop our civilization is going to fall it’s going down the bottomless pit down the chasm and believe me the only Bridge across the chasm will be the fallace oh do doe impossible General cried Olive I believe our civilization is going to collapse said Aunt Eva and what will come after it asked Clifford I haven’t the faintest idea but something I suppose said the elderly lady lady Connie says people like wists of smoke and Olive says immunized women and babies in bottles and Dukes says the fallace is the bridge to what comes next I wonder what it will really be said Clifford oh don’t bother letun get on with today said Olive only hurry up with the breeding bottle and let us pour women off there might even be real men in the next phase said Tommy real intelligent wholesome men and wholesome nice women wouldn’t that be a change an enormous change from us we’re not men and the women aren’t women we’re only celebrating makeshifts mechanical and intellectual experiments there may even come a civilization of genuine men and women instead of our little lot of clever Jacks all at the intelligence age of seven it would be even more amazing than men of smoke or babies in bottles oh when people begin to talk talk about real women I give up said Olive certainly nothing but the spirit in US is worth having said winter slow Spirits said Jack drinking his whiskey and soda think so give me the resurrection of the body said Dukes but it’ll come in time when we’ve shoved the cerebal Stone away a bit the money and the rest then we’ll get a democracy of touch instead of a democracy of pocket something echoed inside Connie give me the Democracy of touch the resurrection of the body she didn’t at all know what it meant but it comforted her as meaningless things may do anyhow everything was terribly silly and she was exasperatedly bored by it all by Clifford by Aunt Eva by Olive and Jack and winter slow and even by Dukes talk talk talk what hell it was the continual rattle of it then when all the people went it was no better she continued plooding on but exasperation and irritation had got hold of her lower body she couldn’t escape the days seemed to grind by with curious painfulness yet nothing happened only she was getting thinner even the housekeeper noticed it and asked her about herself even Tommy Dukes insisted she was not well though she said she was all right only she began to be afraid of the ghastly white tombstones that peculiar loathsome White Ness of kurara marble detestable as false teeth which stuck up on the hillside under Tel church and which she saw with such Grim painfulness from the park the bristling of the Hideous false teeth of tombstones on the hill affected her with a Grizzly kind of horror she felt the time not far off when she would be buried there added to the ghastly host under the Tombstones and The Monuments in these filthy Midlands she needed help and she knew it so she wrote a little Creo C to her sister Hilda I’m not well lately and I don’t know what’s the matter with me down posted Hilda from Scotland where she had taken up her Abode she came in March alone driving herself in a Nimble twoa up the drive she came tooting up the incline then sweeping round the oval of grass where the two great wild beach trees stood on the flat in front of the house Connie had run out to the steps Hilda pulled up her car got out and kissed her sister But Connie she cried whatever is the matter nothing said Connie rather shamefacedly but she knew how she had suffered in contrast to Hilda both sisters had the same rather golden glowing skin and soft brown hair and naturally strong warm physique but now Connie was thin and earthy looking with a Scraggy yellowish neck that stuck out of her jumper but you’re ill child said Hilda in the soft rather breathless voice that both sisters had alike Hilda was nearly but not quite 2 years older than Connie no not ill perhaps I’m bored said Connie a little pathetically the light of battle glowed in Hilda’s face she was a woman soft and still as she seemed of the old Amazon sort not made to fit with men this wretched place she said softly looking at poor old lumbering r with real hate she looked soft and warm herself as a ripe peir and she was an Amazon of the real old breed she went quietly into Clifford he thought how handsome she looked but also he shrank from her his wife’s family did not have his sort of manners or his sort of etiquette he considered them rather Outsiders but once they got inside they made him jump through the hoop he sat square and well groomed in his chair his hair sleek and blonde and his face fresh his blue eyes pale and a little prominent his expression inscrutable but well bred Hilda thought it suky and stupid and he waited he had an air of a plum but Hilda didn’t care what he had an air of she was up in arms and if he’d been Pope or Emperor it would have been just the same Connie’s looking awfully unwell she said in her soft voice fixing him with her beautiful glowering gray eyes she looked so maidenly so did Connie but he well knew the tone of Scottish obstinacy underneath she’s a little thinner he said haven’t you done anything about it do you think it necessary he asked with his svest English stiffness for the two things often go together Hilda only glowed at him without replying reparti was not her forte nor con’s so she glowed and he was much more uncomfortable than if she had said things I’ll take her to a doctor said Hilda at l L can you suggest a good one round here I’m afraid I can’t then I’ll take her to London where we have a doctor We Trust though boiling with rage Clifford said nothing I suppose I may as well stay the night said Hilda pulling off her gloves and I’ll drive her to town tomorrow Clifford was yellow at the gills with anger and at evening the whites of his eyes were a little yellow too he ran to liver but Hilda was consistently modded and maidenly you must have a nurse or somebody to look after you personally you should really have a manservant said Hilda as they sat with apparent calmness at coffee after dinner she spoke in her soft seemingly gentle way but Clifford felt she was hitting him on the head with a bludgeon you think so he said coldly I’m sure it’s necessary either that or father and I must take Connie away for some months this can’t go on what can’t go on haven’t you looked at the child asked Hilda gazing at him full stare he looked rather like a huge boiled crayfish at the moment or so she thought Connie and I will discuss it he said I’ve already discussed it with her said Hilda Clifford had been long enough in the hands of nurses he hated them because they left him no real privacy and a manservant exclamation marked dot dot dot he couldn’t stand a man hanging around him almost better any woman but why not Connie the Two Sisters drove off in the morning Connie looking rather like an Easter lamb rather small beside Hilda who held the wheel sir malcol was away but the Kensington house was open the doctor examined Connie carefully and asked her all about her life I see your photograph and Sir Cliffords in The Illustrated papers sometimes almost not varieties aren’t you that’s how the quiet little girls grow up though you’re only a quiet little girl even now in spite of The Illustrated papers no no there’s nothing organically wrong but it won’t do it won’t do tell sir Clifford he’s got to bring you to town or take you abroad and amuse you you’ve got to be amused Got To Your vitality is much too low no reserves no reserves the nerves of the heart a bit queer already oh yes nothing but nerves I’d put you right in a month at can or be aitz but it mustn’t go on mustn’t I tell you or I won’t be answerable for consequences you’re spending your life without renewing it you’ve got to be amused properly healthily amused you’re spending your Vitality without making any can’t go on you know depression avoid depression Hilda set her jaw and that meant something michaus heard they were in town and came running with roses why whatever’s wrong he cried you’re a Shadow of Yourself why I never saw such a change why ever didn’t you let me know come to nce with me come down to Sicily go on come to Sicily with me it’s lovely there just now you want son you want life why you’re wasting away Come Away With Me come to Africa oh hang sir Clifford Chuck him and come along with me I’ll marry you the minute he divorces you come along and try a life God’s love that place ragby would kill anybody beastly Place foul place kill anybody Come Away With Me into the sun it’s the sun you want of course and a bit of normal life but Connie’s heart simply stood still at the thought of abandoning Clifford there and then she couldn’t do it no no she just couldn’t she had to go back to ragby michelis was disgusted Hilda didn’t like michelis but she almost preferred him to Clifford back went the sisters to the Midlands Hilda talked to Clifford who still had yellow eyeballs when they got back he too in his way was over but he had to listen to All Hilda said said to all the doctor had said not what miches had said of course and he sat M through the ultimatum here is the address of a good manservant who was with an invalid patient of the doctors till he died last month he is really a good man and fairly sure to come but I’m not an invalid and I will not have a manservant said Clifford poor devil and here are the addresses of two women I saw one of them she would do very well a woman of about 50 quiet strong kind and in her way cultured Clifford only sulked and would not answer very well Clifford if we don’t settle something by tomorrow I shall Telegraph to father and we shall take Connie away will Connie go asked Clifford she doesn’t want to but she knows she must mother died of cancer brought on by fretting we’re not running any risks so next day Clifford suggested Miss Mrs Bolton Tel Parish nurse apparently Mrs Betts had thought of her Mrs Bolton was just retiring from her Parish duties to take up private nursing jobs Clifford had a queer dread of delivering himself into the hands of a stranger but this Mrs Bolton had once nursed him through scarlet fever and he knew her the two sisters at once called on Mrs Bolton in a newish house in a row quite select for Tel they found a rather good-looking woman of 40 odd in a nurse’s uniform with a white collar and apron just making herself tea in a small crowded sitting room Mrs Bolton was most attentive and polite seemed quite nice spoke with a bit of a broad slur but in heavily correct English and from having bossed the sick holers for a good many years had a very good opinion of herself and a fair amount of assurance in short in her tiny way one of the governing class in the village very much respected yes lady ch Natalie’s not looking at all well why she used to be that Bonny didn’t she now but she’s been failing all winter oh it’s hard it is poor sir Clifford a that war it’s a lot to answer for and Mrs Bolton would come to ragby at once if Dr shardow would let her off she had another fortnight’s Parish nursing to do by rights but they might get a substitute you know Hilda posted off to Dr shardow and on the following Sunday Mrs Bolton drove up in LA’s cab to ragby with two trunks Hilda had talks with her Mrs Bolton was ready at any moment to talk and she seemed so young the way the passion would flush in her rather pale cheek she was 47 her husband Ted Bolton had been killed in the pit 22 years ago 22 years last Christmas just at Christmas time leaving her with two children one a baby in arm oh the baby was married now Edith to a young man in Boots cash Chemists in Sheffield the other one was a school teacher in Chesterfield she came home weekends when she wasn’t asked out somewhere Young Folks enjoyed themselves nowadays not like when she Ivy Bolton was Young Ted Bolton was 28 when he was killed in an explosion down th pit the buty and front shouted to them all to lie down quick there were four of them and they all lay down in time only Ted and it killed him then at the inquiry on the Master’s side they said Ted had been frightened and trying to run away and not obeying orders so it was like his fault really so the compensation was only 300 and they made out as if it was more of a gift than legal compensation because it was really the man’s own fault and they wouldn’t let her have the money down she wanted to have a little shop but they said she’d no doubt squander it perhaps in drink so she had to draw it 30 Shillings a week yes she had to go every Monday morning down to the offices and stand there a couple of hours waiting her turn yes for almost four years she went every Monday and what could she do with two little children on her hands but Ted’s mother was very good to her when the baby could toddle she’d keep both the children for the day while she Ivy Bolton went to Sheffield and attended classes in ambulance and then the fourth year she even took a nursing course and got qualified she was determined to be independent and keep her children so she was assistant at UWE hospital just a little place for a while but when the company the tel cery company really Sir Jeffrey saw that she could get on by herself they were very good to her gave her the parish nursing and stood by her she would say that for them and she’d done it ever since till now it was getting a bit much for her she needed something a bit lighter there was such a lot of traping around if you were a district nurse yes the company’s been very good to me I always say it but I should never forget what they said about Ted for he was as steady and fearless a chap as ever set foot on the cage and it was as good as branding him a coward but there he was dead and could say nothing to none of them it was a queer mixture of feelings the woman showed as she talked she liked the cers whom she had nursed for so long but she felt very Superior to them she felt almost upper class and at the same time a resentment against the ruling class smoldered in her the Masters in a dispute between Masters and Men she was always for the men but when there was no question of contest she was pining to be superior to be one of the upper class the upper classes fascinated her appealing to her peculiar English passion for superiority she was thrilled to come to rag be thrilled to talk to Lady chat my word different from the common Kia’s wives she said so in so many words yet one could see a grudge against the chat’s peep out in her the grudge against the Masters why yes of course it would wear lady chatly out it’s a mercy she had a sister to come and help her men don’t think high and low alike they take what a woman does for them for granted oh I’ve told the cers off about it many a time but it’s very hard for sir Clifford you know crippled like that they were always a hay family standoffish in a way as they a right to be but then to be brought down like that and it’s very hard on lady chatly perhaps harder on her what she misses I only had Ted 3 years but my word while I had him I had a husband I could never forget he was one in a thousand and jolly as the day who’ ever have thought he get killed I don’t believe it to this day somehow I’ve never believed it though I washed him with my own hands but he was never dead for me he never was I never took it in this was a new voice in ragby very new for Connie to hear it roused a new ear in her for the first week or so Mrs Bolton however was very quiet at ragby her assured bossy Mana left her and she was nervous with Clifford she was shy almost frighten and Silent he liked that and soon recovered his self-possession letting her do things for him without even noticing her she’s a useful non-entity he said Connie opened her eyes in Wonder but she did not contradict him so different are Impressions on two different people and he soon became rather superb somewhat lordly with the nurse she had rather expected it and he played up without knowing so susceptible we are to what is expected of us the cers had been so like children talking to her and telling her what hurt them while she bandaged them or nursed them they had always made her feel so Grand almost superhuman in her administrations now Clifford made her feel small and like a servant and she accepted it without a word adjusting herself to the upper classes she came very mute with her long handsome face and downcast eyes to administer to him and she said very humbly shall I do this now sir Clifford shall I do that no leave it for a time I’ll have it done later very well sir Clifford come in again in half an hour very well sir Clifford and just take those old papers out will you very well said Clifford she went softly and in half an hour she came softly again she was bullied but she didn’t mind she was experiencing the upper classes she neither resented nor disliked Clifford he was just part of a phenomenon the phenomenon of the high class folks so far unknown to her but now to be known she felt more at home with Lady chatly and after all it’s the Mistress of the house matters most Mrs Bolton helped Clifford to bed at night and slept across the passage from his room and came if he rang for her in the night she also helped him in the morning and soon valed him complete L even shaving him in her soft tentative woman’s way she was very good and competent and she soon knew how to have him in her power he wasn’t so very different from the cers after all when you laed his chin and softly rubbed the bristles the standoffishness and the lack of frankness didn’t bother her she was having a new experience Clifford however inside himself never quite forgave Connie for giving up her personal care of him to a strange hired woman it killed he said to himself the real flower of the intimacy between him and her but Connie didn’t mind that the fine flower of their intimacy was to her rather like an orchid a bulb stuck parasitic on her tree of life and producing to her eyes a rather shabby flower now she had more time to herself she could softly play the piano up in her room and sing touch not the nettle for the bonds of Love are ill to loose she had not realized till lately how ill to loose they were these bonds of love but thank heaven she had loosened them she was so glad to be alone not always to have to talk to him when he was alone he tapped tapped tapped on a typewriter to Infinity but when he was not working and she was there he talked always talked infinite small analysis of people and motives and results characters and personalities till now she had had enough for years she had loved it until she had enough and then suddenly it was too much she was thankful to be alone it was as if thousands and thousands of little roots and threads of Consciousness in him and her had grown together into a tangled Mass till they could crowd no more and the plant was dying now quietly subtly she was unraveling the tangle of his Consciousness and hers breaking the threads gently one by one with patience and impatience to get clear but the bonds of such love are more ill to loose even than most bonds though Mrs Bolton’s coming had been a great help but he still wanted the old intimate evenings of talk with Connie talk or reading aloud but now she could arrange that Mrs Bolton should come at 10 to disturb them at 10:00 Connie could go upstairs and be alone Clifford was in good hands with Mrs Bolton Mrs Bolton ate with Mrs Betts in the housekeeper’s room since they were all agreeable and it was curious how much closer the servants quarters seemed to have come right up to the doors of Clifford’s study when before they were so remote for Mrs Betts would sometimes sit in Mrs Bolton’s room and Connie heard their lowered voices and felt somehow the strong other vibration of the working people almost invading the sitting room when she and Clifford were alone so changed was ragby merely by Mrs Bolton’s coming and Connie felt herself released in another world she felt she breathed differently but still she was afraid of how many of her roots perhaps mortal ones were Tangled with Cliffords yet still she breathed Freer a new phase was going to begin in her life chapter 8 Mrs Bolton also kept a cherishing eye on Connie feeling she must extend to her her female and professional protection she was always urging her ladyship to walk out to drive to UWE to be in the air for Connie had got into the habit of sitting still by the fire pretending to read or to sew feebly and hardly going out at all it was a blowy day soon after Hilda had gone that Mrs Bolton Said now why don’t you go for a walk through the wood and look at the daffs behind the Keeper’s Cottage they’re the prettiest sight you’d see in a day’s March and you could put some in your room wild daffs are always so cheerful looking aren’t they Connie took it in good part even daffs for daffodils wild daffodils after all one could not stew in one’s own juice the spring came back Seasons return but not to me returns day or the sweet approach of even or mourn and the keeper his thin white body like a lonely pistol of an invisible flower she had forgotten him in her unspeakable depression but now something roused pale Beyond porch and portal apostrophe dot dot dot the thing to do was to pass the porches and the portals she was Stronger she could walk better and in the wood the wind would not be so tiring as it was across the park flattening against her she wanted to forget to forget the world and all the Dreadful carry and bodied people ye must be born again I believe in the resurrection of the body except a grain of wheat fall into the Earth and die it shall by no means bring forth when the crocus cometh forth I too will emerge and see the sun in the Wind of March endless phrases swept through her Consciousness little gusts of sunshine blue BL strangely bright and lit up the celendin at the Woods Edge under the Hazel rods they Spangled out bright and yellow and the wood was still Stiller but yet Gusty with Crossing Sun the first wind flowers were out and all the wood seemed pale with the p of endless little anemones sprinkling the shaken floor the world has grown pale with thy breath but it was the breath of pany this time she was out of hell on a cold morning cold breaths of wind came and overhead there was an anger of entangled wind caught among the Twigs it too was caught and trying to tear itself free the wind like Absalom how cold the Anemones looked bobbing their naked white shoulders over kralin skirts of green but they stood it a few first bleached little primroses too by the path and yellow buds unfolding themselves The Roaring and swaying was overhead only cold currents came down below Connie was strangely excited in the wood and the color flew in her cheeks and burned blue in her eyes she walked plooding picking a few primroses and the first violets that smelled sweet and cold sweet and cold and she drifted on without knowing where she was till she came to the clearing at the end of the wood and saw the green stained Stone Cottage looking almost Rosy like the flesh underneath a mushroom its Stone warmed in a burst of sun and there was a Sparkle of yellow jasmine by the door the closed door but no sound no smoke from the chimney no dog barking she went quietly round to the back where the bank rose up she had an excuse to see the daffodils and they were there the short stemmed flowers rustling and fluttering and shivering so bright and alive but with nowhere to hide their faces as they turned them away from the wind they shook their bright sunny little rags in bouns of distress but perhaps they liked it really perhaps they really liked the tossing constant sat down with her back to a young pine tree that swayed against her with curious life elastic and Powerful rising up the erect alive thing with its top in the Sun and she watched the daffodils turn golden in a burst of sun that was warm on her hands and lap even she caught the faint carry scent of the flowers and then being so still and alone she seemed to bet into the current of her own proper Destiny she had been fastened by a rope and jagging and snaring like a boat at its Moorings now she was loose and a drift the sunshine gave way to chill the daffodils were in Shadow dipping silently so they would dip through the day and the long cold night so strong in their Frailty she Rose a little stiff took a few daffodils and went down she hated breaking the flowers but she wanted just one or two to go go with her she would have to go back to ragby and its walls and now she hated it especially its thick walls walls always walls yet one needed them in this wind when she got home Clifford asked her where did you go right across the wood look aren’t the little daffodils adorable to think they should come out of the earth just as much out of air and sunshine he said but modeled in the earth she torted with a prompt contradiction that surprised her a little the next afternoon she went to the wood again she followed the broad riding that swerved round and up through the larches to a spring called John’s well it was cold on this Hillside and not a flower in the darkness of larches but the icy little spring softly pressed upwards from its tiny well bed of pure reddish white Pebbles how icy and clear it was brilliant the new keeper had no doubt put in fresh Pebbles she heard the faint tinkle of water as the tiny overflow trickled over and downhill even above the hissing boom of the Larchwood that spread its bristling leafless wolfish Darkness on the down slope she heard the tinkle as of tiny water Bells this place was a little Sinister cold damp yet the well must have been a drinking place for hundreds of years now no more its tiny cleared space was Lush and cold and dismal she Rose and went slowly towards home as she went she heard a faint tapping away on the right and Stood Still to listen was it hammering or a woodpecker it was surely hammering she walked on listening and then she noticed a narrow track between young fur trees a track that seemed to lead nowhere but she felt it had been used she turned down it adventurously between the thick young Furs which gave way soon to the old oak wood she followed the track and the hammering grew nearer in the Silence of the windy wood for trees make a silence even in their noise of wind she saw a secret little clearing and a secret little Hut made of rustic poles and she had never been here before she realized it was the quiet place where the growing pheasants were reared The Keeper in his shirt sleeves was kneeling hammering the dog trotted forward with a short sharp bark and the keeper lifted his face suddenly and saw her he had a startled look in his eyes he straightened himself and saluted watching her in silence as she came forward with weakening limbs he resented the intrusion he cherished his Solitude as his only and last freedom in life I wondered what the hammering was she said feeling weak and breathless and a little afraid of him as he looked so straight at her I’m getting th coups ready for th young bods he said in Broad vernacular she did not know what to say and she felt weak I should like to sit down a bit she said come and sit a iut he said going in front of her to the Hut pushing aside some Timber and stuff and drawing out a rustic chair made of Hazel sticks am i t light you a little fire he asked with a curious naivity of the dialect oh don’t bother she replied but he looked at her hands they were rather blue so he quickly took some large Twigs to the little brick fireplace in the corner and in a moment the yellow flame was running up the chimney he made a place by the brick Hearth sit a then a bit and warn you he said she obeyed him he had that curious kind of protective Authority she obeyed at once so she sat and warmed her hands at the Blaze and dropped logs on the fire whilst outside he was hammering again she did not really want to sit poked in a corner by the fire she would rather have watched from the door but she was being looked after so she had to submit the Hut was quite cozy panned with unvarnished deal having a little rustic table and stool beside her chair and a carpenter’s bench then a big box tools new boards nails and many things hung from pegs axe Hatchet traps things in sacks his coat it had no window the light came in through the open door it was a jumble but also it was a sort of little Sanctuary she listened to the tapping of the man’s hammer it was not so happy he was oppressed here was a trespass on his privacy and a dangerous one a woman he had reached the point where all he wanted on Earth was to be alone and yet he was powerless to preserve his privacy he was a Hired Man and these people were his Masters especially he did not want to come into contact with a woman again he feared it for he had a big wound from old contacts he felt if he could not be alone and if he could not be left alone he would die his recoil away from the outer world was complete his last Refuge was this wood to hide himself there Connie grew warm by the fire which she had made too big then she grew hot she went and sat on the stool in the doorway watching the man at work he seemed not to notice her but he knew yet he worked on as if absorbedly and his brown dog sat on her tail near him and surveyed the untrustworthy World slender quiet and quick the man finished the coupe he was making turned it over tried the sliding door then set it aside then he rose went for an old Coupe and took it to the chopping log where he was working crouching he tried the bars some broken his hands he began to draw the nails then he turned the coupe over and deliberated and he gave AB absolutely no sign of awareness of the woman’s presence so Connie watched him fixedly and the same solitary aloneness she had seen in him naked she now saw in him clothed solitary and intent like an animal that works alone but also brooding like a soul that recoils away away from all human contact silently patiently he was recoiling away from her even now it was the Stillness and the Timeless sort of patience in a man impatient and passionate that touched Connie’s womb she saw it in his bent head the quick quiet hands the crouching of his slender sensitive loins something patient and withdrawn she felt his experience had been deeper and wider than her own much deeper and wider and perhaps more deadly and this relieved her of herself she felt almost irresponsible so she sat in the doorway of the Hut inner dream utterly unaware of time and of particular circumstances she was so drifted away that he glanced up at her quickly and saw the utterly still waiting look on her face to him it was a look of waiting and a little thin tongue of fire suddenly flickered in his Lins at the root of his back and he groaned in spirit he dreaded with a repulsion almost of death any further close human contact he wished above all things she would go away and leave him to his own privacy he dreaded her will her female will and her modern female in consistency and above all he dreaded her cool upper class impudence of having her own way for after all he was only a hired man he hated her presence there Connie came to herself with sudden uneasiness she Rose the afternoon was turning to evening yet she could not go away she went over to the man who stood up at attention his worn face stiff and blank his eyes watching her it is so nice here so restful she said I have never been here before no I think I shall come and sit here sometimes yes do you lock the Hut when you’re not here yes your ladyship do you think I could have a key too so that I could sit here sometimes are there two keys not as a no one the ISA he had lapsed into the vernacular Connie hesitated he was putting up an opposition was it his Hut after all couldn’t we get another key she asked in her soft voice that underneath had the Ring of a woman determined to get her way another he said glancing at her with a flash of anger touched with derision yes a duplicate she said flushing appen s Clifford oud no he said putting her off yes she said he might have another otherwise we could have one made from the one you have if it would only take a day or so I suppose you could spare your key for so long AR Cana tell you my lady I know nodi as May Key’s round air Connie suddenly flushed with anger very well she said I’ll see to it all right your ladyship their eyes met his had a cold ugly look of dislike and contempt and indifference to what would happen hers were hot with rebuff but her heart sank she saw how utterly he disliked her when she went against him and she saw him in a sort of desperation good afternoon afternoon my lady he saluted and turned abruptly away she had wakened the Sleeping Dogs of old voracious anger in him anger against the self-willed female and he was powerless powerless he knew it and she was angry against the self-willed male as servant too she walked sullenly home she found Mrs Bolton under the great Beach Tree on the null looking for her I just wondered if you’d be coming my lady the woman said brightly am I late asked Connie oh only sir Clifford was waiting for his tea why didn’t you make it then oh I don’t think it’s hardly my place I don’t think sir Clifford would like it at all my lady I don’t see why not said Connie she went indoors to Clifford’s study where the old brass cattle was simmering on the tray am I late Clifford she said putting down the few flowers and taking up the tea caddy as she stood before the tray in her hat and scaf I’m sorry why didn’t you let Mrs Bolton make the tea I didn’t think of it he said ironically I don’t quite see her presiding at the tea table oh there’s nothing sacran about a silver teapot said Connie he glanced up at her curiously what did you do all afternoon he said walked and sat in a sheltered place do you know there are still berries on the big holly tree she took off her scarf but not her hat and sat down to make tea the toast would certainly be leathery she put the tea cozy over the teapot and Rose to get a little glass for her violets the poor flowers hung over limp on their stalks they’ll revive again she said putting them before him in their glass for him to smell sweeter than the lids of Juno’s eyes he quoted I don’t see a bit of connection with the actual violets she said the elizabethans are rather upholstered she poured him his tea do you think there is a second key to that little Hut not far from jnk well where the pheasants are reared she said there may be why I happened to find it today and I’d never seen it before I think it’s a darling place I could sit there sometimes couldn’t I was melis there yes that’s how I found it his hammering he didn’t seem to like my intruding at all in fact he was almost rude when I asked about a second key what did he say oh nothing just his Manner and he said he knew nothing about keys there may be one in Father’s study Betts knows them all they’re all there I’ll get him to look oh do she said so melas was almost rude oh nothing really but I don’t think he wanted me to have the freedom of the castle quite I don’t suppose he did still I don’t see why he should mind it’s not his home after all it’s not his private Abode I don’t see why I shouldn’t sit there if I want to quite said Clifford he thinks too much of himself that man do you think he does oh decidedly he thinks he’s something exceptional you know he had a wife he didn’t get on with so he joined up in 1915 and was sent to India I believe anyhow he was blacksmith to the Cavalry in Egypt for a time always was connected with horses a clever fellow that way then some indan indan Colonel took a fancy to him and he was made a leftenant yes they gave him a commission I believe he went back to India with his Colonel and up to the Northwest Frontier he was Ill he was a pension he didn’t come out of the army till last year I believe and then naturally it isn’t easy for a man like that to get back to his own level he’s bound to flounder but he does his duty all right as far as I’m concerned only I’m not having any of the leftenant Mel’s touch how could they make him an officer when he speaks broad darisha he doesn’t except by fits and starts he can speak perfectly well for him I suppose he has an idea if he’s come down to the ranks again he better speak as the ranks speak why didn’t you tell me about him before oh I’ve no patience with these romances they’re the ruin of all order it’s a thousand pities they ever happened Connie was inclined to agree what was the good of discontented people who fitted in nowhere in the spell of fine weather Clifford too decided to go to the wood the wind was cold but not so tiresome and the Sunshine was like life itself warm and full it’s amazing said Connie how different one feels when there’s a really fresh fine day usually one feels the very air is half dead people are killing the very air do you think people are doing it he asked I do the steam of so much boredom and discontent and anger out of all the people just kills the Vitality in the air I’m sure of it perhaps some condition of the atmosphere lowers the Vitality of the people he said no it’s man that poisons The Universe She asserted fouls his own nest remarked Clifford the chair puffed on in the Hazel cops katkins were hanging pale gold and in sunny places the wood anemones were wide open as if exclaiming with the joy of life just as good as in past days when people could exclaim along with them they had a faint scent of Apple Blossom Connie gathered a few for Clifford he took them and looked at them curiously thou still unravished bride of quietness he quoted it seems to fit flowers so much better than Greek vases ravished is such a horrid word she said it’s only people who ravish things oh I don’t know snails and things he said even snails only eat them and bees don’t ravish she was angry with him turning everything into words violets were Juno’s eyelids and wind flowers were on ravished Brides how she hated words always coming between her and life they did the ravishing if anything did ready made words and phrases suck all the life sap out of living things the walk with Clifford was not quite a success between him and Connie there was a tension that each pretended not to notice but there it was suddenly with all the force of her female Instinct she was shoving him off she wanted to be clear of him and especially of his Consciousness his words his obsession with himself his endless treadmill obsession with himself and his own words the weather came rainy again but after a day or two she went out in the rain and she went to the wood and once there she went towards the Hut it was raining but not so cold and the wood Felt So Silent and remote inaccessible in the dusk of rain she came to the clearing no one there the Hut was locked but she sat on the lock doorstep Under The Rustic porch and snuggled into her own warmth so she sat looking at the rain listening to the many noisess noises of it and to the strange sings of wind in Upper branches when there seemed to be no wind old oak trees stood around gray powerful trunks rain blackened round and vital throwing off Reckless limbs the ground was fairly free of undergrowth the Anemones sprinkled there was a bush or two elder or gelder rose and a purplish tangle of Bramble the old russet of bracken almost vanished under green anemon roughs perhaps this was one of the unravished places unravished the whole world was ravished some things can’t be ravished you can’t ravish a tin of sardines and so many women are like that and men but the Earth the rain was abating it was hardly making Darkness Among The Oaks anymore Connie wanted to go yet she sat on but she was getting cold yet the overwhelming inertia of her inner resentment kept her there as if paralyzed ravished how ravished one could be without without ever being touched ravished by dead words become obscene and dead ideas become obsessions a wet brown dog came running and did not bark lifting a wet feather of a tail the man followed in a wet black oil skin jacket like a shauer and face flushed a little she felt him recoil in his quick walk when he saw her she stood up in the hand breadth of dryness Under The Rustic porch he saluted without speaking coming slowly near she began to withdraw I’m just going she said was you waiting to get in he asked looking at the hut not at her no I only sat a few minutes in the shelter she said with quiet dignity he looked at her she looked cold sir Clifford Adam got no other key then he asked no but it doesn’t matter I can sit perfectly dry under this porch good afternoon she hated the excess of vernacular in his speech he watched her closely as she was moving away then he hitched up his jacket and put his hand in his breach’s pocket taking out the key of the Hut aen better have this key Anna Min fend for teod some other Road she looked at him what do you mean she asked I mean as app and can find Anya the police as’ll do for rearin th pheasants if you want her be air you’ll non want me messing about a th time she looked at him getting his meaning through the fog of the dialect why don’t you speak ordinary English she said coldly me I thought it were ordinary she was silent for a few moments in anger so if you want T key y better Tass it or aard better G your turmer and clear all T stuff at first would that do for you she became more angry I didn’t want your key she said I don’t want you to clear anything out at all I don’t in the least want to turn you out of your Hut thank you I only wanted to be able to sit here sometimes like today but I can sit perfectly well under the porch so please say no more about it he looked at her again with his Wicked blue eyes why he began in the broad slow dialect your ladyship’s as welcome as Christmas Terrace th Hut and th key and ivory think as is only this time a th year this bods turet and I’ve got turby Potter in a b a good bit seeing after him Anna winter time and Ned arly come nigh th please but what we spring answer Clifford want in start th pheasants and your ladyship donon want me tinkering around annab about when she was a all the time she listened with a dim kind of Amazement why should I mind your being here she asked he looked at her curiously nuisance on me he said briefly but significantly she flushed very well she said finally I won’t trouble you but I don’t think I should have minded at all sitting and seeing you look after the birds I should have liked it but since you think it interferes with you I won’t disturb you don’t be afraid you are sir Clifford’s keeper not mine e e e the phrase sounded queer she didn’t know why but she let it pass nay your ladyship it’s your ladyship’s onut it’s as your ladyship likes and pleases every time yeah can turn me off at a Wick’s notice it w only only what she asked baffled he pushed back his hat in an odd comic way only as aeno like the place turus when you did come and not me messing aart but why she said Angry aren’t you a civilized human being do you think I ought to be afraid of you why should I take any notice of you and your being here or not why is it important he looked at her all his face glimmering with Wicked laughter it’s not your ladyship not in the very least he said well why then she asked shall I get your ladyship another key then no thank you I don’t want it I’ll get it anyhow we’d best have two keys tur th place and I consider you are insolent said Connie with her color up panting a little nay nay he said quickly D say that nay nay I nether meant nothing I only thought as if you come a i estd after clear out and it would mean a lot of work setting up somewhere else but if your ladyship isn’t going to take no notice of me then it’s the Cliffords at and everything is as your ladyship likes everything is as your ladyship likes and pleases Bor you take no notice of me do in th bits of jobs as I’ve got to do Connie went away completely bewildered she was not sure whether she had been insulted and mortally offended or not perhaps the man man really only meant what he said that he thought she would expect him to keep away as if she would dream of it and as if he could possibly be so important he and his stupid presence she went home in confusion not knowing what she thought or felt chapter n Connie was surprised at her own feeling of aversion from Clifford what is more she felt she had always really disliked him not hate there was no passion in it but a profound physical dislike almost it seemed to her she had married him because she disliked him in a secret physical sort of way but of course she had married him really because in a mental way he attracted her and excited her he had seemed in some way her master Beyond her now the mental excitement had worn itself out and collapsed and she was aware only of the physical aversion it rose up in her from her depths and she realized how it had been eating her life away way she felt weak and utterly foror she wished some help would come from outside but in the whole world there was no help Society was terrible because it was insane civilized society is insane money and so-called love are its two great Manas money A Long Way first the individual asserts himself in his disconnected Insanity in these two modes money and love look at michis his life and activity were just Insanity his love was a sort of insanity and Clifford the same all that talk all that writing all that wild struggling to push himself forwards it was just insanity and it was getting worse really maniacal Connie felt washed out with fear but at least Clifford was shifting his grip from her onto Mrs Bolton he did not know it like many insane people his Insanity might be measured by the things he was not aware of the great desert tracts in his Consciousness Mrs Bolton was admirable in many ways but she had that queer sort of bossiness endless assertion of her own will which is one of the signs of insanity in Modern Woman she thought she was utterly subservient and living for others Clifford fascinated her because he always or so often frustrated her will as if by a finer Instinct he had a finer subtler will of self assertion than herself this was his charm for her perhaps that had been his charm too for Connie it’s a lovely day today Mrs Bolton would say in her cessive persuasive voice I should think you’d enjoy a little run in your chair today the sun’s just lovely yes will you give me that book there that yellow one and I think I’ll have those hins taken out why they’re so beautiful she pronounced it with the Y sound beautiful and the scent is simply gorgeous the scent is what I object to he said it’s a little ferial do you think so she exclaimed in Surprise just a little offended but impressed and she carried the highins out of the room impressed by his higher fastidiousness shall I shave you this morning or would you rather do it yourself always the same soft cessive subservient yet managing voice I don’t know do you mind waiting a while I’ll ring when I’m ready very good sir Clifford she replied so soft and submissive withdrawing quietly but every rebuff stored up new energy of will in her when he rang after a time she would appear at once and then he would say I think I’d rather you shave me this morning her heart gave a little thrill and she replied with extra softness very good sir Clifford she was very deaft with a soft lingering touch a little slow at first he had resented the infinitely Soft Touch of her fingers on his face but now he liked it with a growing voluptuousness he let her shave him nearly every day her face near his her eyes so very concentrated watching that she did it right and gradually her fingertips knew his cheeks and lips his jaw and chin and throat perfectly he was wellfed and well- liking his face and throat were handsome enough and he was a gentleman she was handsome too pale her face rather long and absolutely still her eyes bright but revealing nothing gradually with infinite softness almost with love she was getting him by the throat and he was yielding to her she now did almost everything for him and he felt more at home with her less ashamed of accepting her menial offices than with Connie she she liked handling him she loved having his body in her charge absolutely to the last menial offices she said to Connie one day all men are babies when you come to the bottom of them why I’ve handled some of the toughest customers as ever went down Tel pit but let anything ail them so that you have to do for them and they’re babies just big babies Oh there’s not much difference in men at first Mrs Bolton had thought there really was something different in a gentle gentleman a real gentleman like sir Clifford so Clifford had got a good start of her but gradually as she came to the bottom of him to use her own term she found he was like the rest a baby grown to man’s proportions but a baby with a queer temper and a fine Manner and Power in its control and all sorts of odd knowledge that she had never dreamed of with which he could still bully her Connie was sometimes tempted to say to him for God’s sake don’t sink so horribly into the hands of that woman but she found she didn’t care for him enough to say it in the long run it was still their habit to spend the evening together till 10:00 then they would talk or read together or go over his manuscript but the thrill had gone out of it she was bored by his manuscripts but she still dutifully typed them out for him but In Time Mrs Bolton would do even that for Connie had suggested to Mrs Bolton that she should learn to use a type writer and Mrs Bolton always ready had begun at once and practiced assiduously so now Clifford would sometimes dictate a letter to her and she would take it down rather slowly but correctly and he was very patient spelling for her the difficult words or the occasional phrases in French she was so thrilled it was almost a pleasure to instruct her now Connie would sometimes plead a headache as an excuse for going up to her room after dinner perhaps Mrs Bolton will play pette with you she said to Clifford oh I shall be perfectly all right you go to your own room and rest darling but no sooner had she gone than he rang for Mrs Bolton and asked her to take a hand at beet or bazique or even chess he had taught her all these games and Connie found it curiously objectionable to see Mrs Bolton flushed and tremulous like a little girl touching her queen or her Knight with uncertain fingers then drawing away again and Clifford faintly smiling with a half teasing superiority saying to her you must say J du she looked up at him with bright startled eyes then murmured shily obediently J do yes he was educating her and he enjoyed it it gave him a sense of power and she was thrilled she was coming bit by bit into possession of all that the Gentry knew all that made them upper class apart from the money that thrilled her and at the same time she was making him want to have her there with him it was a subtle deep flattery to him her genuine thrill to Connie Clifford seemed to be coming out in his true colors a little vulgar a little common and uninspired rather fat Ivy Bolton’s tricks and humble bossiness were also only too transparent But Connie did wonder at the genuine thrill which the woman got out of Clifford to say she was in love with him would be putting it wrongly she was thrilled by her contact with a man of the upper class this titled gentleman this author who could write books and poems and whose photograph appeared in The Illustrated newspapers she was thrilled to a weird passion and his educating her roused in her a passion of excitement and response much deeper than any love affair could have done in truth the very fact that there could be no love affair left her free to Thrill to her very marri with this other passion The Peculiar passion of knowing knowing as he knew there was no mistake that the woman was in some way in love with him whatever Force we give to the word love she looked so handsome and so young and her gray eyes were sometimes marvelous at the same time there was a lurking soft satisfaction about her even of Triumph and private satisfaction AK that private satisfaction how Connie loathed it but no wonder Clifford was caught by the woman she absolutely adored him in her persistent fashion and put herself absolutely at his service for him to use as he liked no wonder he was flattered Connie heard long conversations going on between the two or rather it was mostly Mrs Bolton talking she had unloosed to him the stream of gossip about Tel Village it was more than gossip it was Mrs gasal and George Elliot and miss mitford all rolled in one with a great great deal more that these women left out once started Mrs Bolton was better than any book about the lives of the people she knew them all so intimately and had such a peculiar flamy zest in all their Affairs it was wonderful if just a trial humiliating to listen to her at first she had not ventured to talk Tel as she called it to Clifford but once started it went on Clifford was listening for material and he found it in plenty Connie realized that his so-called genius was just this a perspicuous talent for personal gossip clever and apparently detached Mrs Bolton of course was very warm when she talked Tel carried away in fact and it was marvelous the things that happened and that she knew about she would have run to dozens of volumes Connie was fascinated listening to her but afterwards always a little ashamed she ought not to listen with this queer rabid curiosity after all one may hear the most Private Affairs of other people but only in a spirit of respect for the struggling battered thing which any human soul is and in a spirit of fine discriminative sympathy for even satire is a form of sympathy it is the way our sympathy flows and recoils that really determines our lives and here lies the vast importance of the novel properly handled it can inform and lead into new places the flow of our sympathetic Consciousness and it can lead our sympathy away in Recoil from things gone dead therefore the novel properly handled can reveal the most secret places of life for it is in the passional secret places of Life above all that the tide of sensitive awareness needs to EB and flow cleansing and freshening but the novel like gossip can also excite spirous sympathies and recoils mechanical and deadening to the psyche the novel can glorify the most corrupt feelings so long as they are conventionally pure then the novel like gossip becomes at last vicious and like gossip all the more vicious because it is always ostensibly on the side of the Angels Mrs Bolton’s gossip was always on the side of the angels and he was such a bad fellow and she was such a nice woman whereas as Connie could see even from Mrs Bolton’s gossip the woman had been merely a mey mouthed sort and the man angrily honest but angry honesty made a bad man of him and mey mouthiness made a niece woman of her in the vicious conventional channeling of Sympathy by Mrs Bolton for this reason the gossip was humiliating and for the same reason most novels especially popular ones are humiliating too the public responds now only to an appeal to its vices nevertheless one got a new vision of Tel Village from Mrs Bolton’s talk a terrible seething wel of ugly life it seemed not at all the flat drabness it looked from outside Clifford of course Knew by sight most of the people mentioned Connie knew only one or two but it sounded really more like a Central African jungle than an English Village I suppose you heard as Miss olop was married last week would you ever Miss olop old James’s daughter the boot and shoe all so you know they built a house up at py coft the Old Man Died last year from a fall 83 he was and Nimble as a lad and then he slipped on bestwood hill on a slide as the lads ad made last winter and broke his thigh and that finished him poor old man it did seem a shame well he left all his money to Tatty didn’t leave the boys a penny and Tatty I know is 5 years yes she’s 53 last Autumn and you know they were such Chapel people my word she taught Sunday school for 30 years till her father died and then she started carrying on with a fellow from kinbrook I don’t know if you know him an oldish fellow with a red nose rather dentified Wilcock as Works in Harrison’s Woodyard well he’s 65 if he’s a day yet you’d have thought they were a pair of young turtle doves to see them arm in arm and kissing at the gate yes and she sitting on his knee right in the bay window on poft road for anybody to see and he’s got some son’s over 40 only lost his wife 2 years ago if old James Olo hasn’t risen from his grave it’s because there is no Rising for he kept her that strict now they’re married and gone to live down at kinbrook and they say she goes round in a dressing gown from morning to night a veritable sight I’m sure it’s awful the way the old ones go on why they’re a lot worse than the young and a sight more disgusting I lay it down to the pictures myself but you can’t keep them away I was always saying go to a good instructive film but do for goodness sake keep away from these melodramas and love films anyhow keep the children away but there you are grown-ups are worse than the children and the old ones beat the band talk about morality nobody cares a thing folks does as they like and much better off they are for it I must say but they’re having to draw their horns in nowadays now th pits are wor working so bad and they haven’t got the money and the grumbling they do it’s awful especially the women the men are so good and patient what can they do poor chaps but the women oh they do carry on they go and show off giving contributions for a wedding present for Princess Mary and then when they see all the grand things that’s been given they simply Rave who’s she any better than anybody else why doesn’t Swan and Edgar give me one f coat instead of giving her six I wish I’d kept my 10 Shillings what’s she going to give me I should like to know here I can’t get a new spring coat my dad’s working that bad and she gets van loads it’s time as poor folks had some money to spend rich ones as add it long enough I want a new spring coat I do and where am I going to get it I say to them be thankful you’re wellfed and well clothed without all the new finery you want and they fly back at me why isn’t Princess Mary thankful to go about in her old rags then and have nothing folks like her get van loads and I can’t have a new spring coat it’s a damned shame princess blooming rot about Princess it’s money as matters and cuz she’s got lots they give her more nobody’s given me any and I’ve as much right as anybody else don’t talk to me about education it’s money as matters I want a new spring coat I do and I Shan get it cuz there’s no money that’s all they care about clothes they think nothing of giving seven or eight guies for a winter coat Kia’s daughters mind you and two guies for a child’s summer hat and then they go to the Primitive Chapel in their two ginea hat girls as would have been proud of a three and six Penny one in my day I heard that at the Primitive Methodist anniversary this year when they have a builtup platform for the Sunday school children like a grandstand going almost up to th ceiling I heard Miss Thompson who has the first class of girls in the Sunday School say there’d be over ,000 in new Sunday clothes sitting on that platform and times are what they are but you can’t stop them they’re mad for clothes and boys the same The Lads spend every penny on themselves clothes smoking drinking in the miners welfare junting off to Sheffield two or three times a week why it’s another world and they fear nothing and they respect nothing the young don’t the older men are that patient and good really they let the women take everything and this is what it leads to the women are positive demons but the lads aren’t like their dads they’re sacrificing nothing they aren’t they’re all for self if you tell them they ought to be putting a bit by for a home they say that’ll keep that will I’m going te enjoy myself while I can out Els will keep oh they’re rough and selfish if you like everything falls on the older men and it’s a bad Outlook all around Clifford began to get a new idea of his own village the place had always frightened him but he had thought it more or less stable now is there much socialism bolshevism among the people he asked oh said Mrs Bolton you hear of a few loudmouthed ones but they’re mostly women who’ve got into debt the men take no notice I don’t believe you’ll ever turn oural men into Reds they’re too decent for that but the young ones bther sometimes not that they care for it really they only want a bit of money in their pocket to spend at the welfare or go gading to Sheffield that’s all they care when they’ve got no money they’ll listen to the red spouting but nobody believes in it really so you think there’s no danger oh no not if trade was good there wouldn’t be but if things were bad for a long spell The Young Ones might go funny I tell you they’re a selfish spoiled lot but I don’t see how they’d ever do anything they aren’t ever serious about anything except showing off on motorbikes and dancing at the pet to Dons in Sheffield you can’t make them serious the serious ones dress up in evening clothes and go off to the P to show off before a lot of girls and dance these new Charleston and whatnot I’m sure sometimes the bus will be full of young fellows in evening suits colia Lads off to the P let alone those that have gone with their girls in Motors or on motorbikes they don’t give a serious thought to a thing Sav Doncaster races and the Derby for they all of them bet on every race and football but even football’s not what it was not by a long chalk it’s too much like hard work they say no they’d rather be off on motorbikes to Sheffield or Nottingham Saturday afternoons but what do they do when they get there oh hang around and have tea in some fine tea place like the Mardo and go to the P or the pictures or the Empire with some girl the girls are as free as the lads they do just what they like and what do they do when they haven’t the money for these things they seem to get it somehow and they begin talking nasty then but I don’t see how you’re going to get bolshevism when all the lads want is just money to enjoy themselves and the girls the same with fine clothes and they don’t care about another thing they haven’t the brains to be socialists they haven’t enough seriousness to take anything really serious and they never will have Connie thought how extremely like all the rest of the classes the lower classes sounded just the same thing over again Tel or Mayfair or Kensington there was only one class nowadays money boys the money boy and the money girl the only difference was how much you’d got and how much you wanted under Mrs Bolton’s influence Clifford began to take a new interest in the minds he began to feel he belonged a new sort of self- assertion came into him after all he was the real boss in Tel he was really the pits it was a new sense of power something he had till now shrunk from with Dread Teel pits were running thin there were only two cies Teel itself and New London Tel had once been a famous mine and had made famous money but its best days were over New London was never very rich and in ordinary times just got along decently but now times were bad and it was pits like New London that got left there’s a lot of Tel men left and gone to stacks gate and white over said Mrs Bolton you’ve not seen the new works at Stacks gate opened after the war have you sir cliford oh you must go one day there’s something quite new great big chemical works at the pit head doesn’t look a bit like a collery they say they get more money out of the chemical byproducts than out of the coal I forget what it is and the grand new houses for the men Fair Mansions of course it’s brought a lot of riffraff from all over the country but a lot of Tel men got on there and doing well a lot better than our own men they say Tel’s done finished only a question of a few more years and it’ll have to shut down and New London will go first my word won’t it be funny when there’s no tal pit working it’s bad enough during a strike but my word if it closes for good it’ll be like the end of the world even when I was a girl it was the best pit in the country and a man counted himself lucky if he could onh here oh there’s been some money made in Tel and now the men say it’s a sinking ship and it’s time they all got out doesn’t it sound awful but of course there’s a lot as’ll never go till they have to they don’t like these new fangled mines such a depth and all Machinery to work them some of them simply dreads those Iron Men as they call them those machines for hewing the coal where men always did it before and they say it’s wasteful as well but what goes in waste is saved in wages and a lot more it seems soon there’ll be no use for men on the face of the Earth it’ll be all machines but they say that’s what folks said when they had to give up the old stocking frames I can remember one or two but my word the more machines the more people that’s what it looks like they say you can’t get the same chemicals out of Tel coal as you can out of stacks gate and that’s funny they’re not three m apart but they say so but everybody says it’s a shame something can’t be started to keep the men going a bit better and employ the girls all the girls traing off to Sheffield every day my word it would be something to talk about if Tel ceries took a new lease of life after everybody saying they’re finished and a sinking ship and the men ought to leave them like rats leave a sinking ship but folks talk so much of course there was a boom during the war when s Jeff Jeffrey made a trust of himself and got the money safe forever somehow so they say but they say even the Masters and the owners don’t get much out of it now you can hardly believe it can you why I always thought the pits would go on forever and ever who’ have thought when I was a girl but New England’s shut down so as cwick would yes it’s fair haunting to go through that copy and see cwick would standing there deserted among the trees and bushes growing up all over the pit head and the lines read Rusty it’s like death itself a dead cery why whatever should we do if T shall shut down it doesn’t bear thinking of always that throng it’s beenin except it strikes and even then the fan Wheels didn’t stand except when they fetched the ponies up I’m sure it’s a funny world you don’t know where you are from year to year you really don’t it was Mrs Bolton’s talk that really put a new fight into Clifford his income as she pointed out to him was Secure from his father’s trust even though it was not large the pits did not really concern him it was the other world he wanted to capture the world of literature and fame the popular world not the Working World now he realized the distinction between popular success and working success the populace of pleasure and the populous of work he as a private individual had been catering with his stories for the popular of pleasure and he had caught on but beneath the populace of pleasure lay the populace of work Grim grimy and rather terrible They too had to have their providers and it was a much Grimmer business providing for the populace of work than for the populace of pleasure while he was doing his stories and getting on in the world Tel was going to the wall he realized now that the [ __ ] goddess of success had two main appetites one for flattery agulation stroking and tickling such as writers and artists gave her but the other a Grimmer appetite for meat and bones and the meat and bones for the [ __ ] Goddess were provided by the men who made money in Industry yes there were two great groups of dogs wrangling for the [ __ ] goddess the group of the flatterers those who offered her Amusement stories films plays and the other much less showy much more Savage breed those who gave her meat the real substance of money the well GR showy dogs of amusement wrangled and snailed among themselves for the favors of the [ __ ] goddess but it was nothing to the silent fight to the death that went on among the indispensables the bone Bringers but under Mrs Bolton’s influence Clifford was tempted to enter this other fight to capture the [ __ ] goddess by brute means of industrial production somehow he got his peger up in one way Mrs Bolton made a man of him as Connie never did Connie kept him apart and made him sensitive and conscious of himself and his own States Mrs Bolton made him aware only of outside things inwardly he began to go soft as pulp but outwardly he began to be effective he even roused himself to go to the mines once more and when he was there he went down in a tub and in a tub he was hauled out into the workings things he had learned before the war and seemed utterly to have forgotten now came back to him he sat there in a tub with the underground manager showing him the seam with a powerful torch and he said little but his mind began to work he began to read again his technical works on the coal mining industry he studied the government reports and he read with care the latest things on mining and the chemistry of coal and of shale which were written in German of course the most valuable discoveries were kept secret as far as possible but once you started a sort of research in the field of C mining a study of methods and means a study of byproducts and the chemical possibilities of coal it was astounding the Ingenuity and the almost uncanny cleverness of the modern technical mind as if really the Devil Himself had lent fiend’s wits to the technical scientists of Industry it was far more interesting than art than literature poor emotional half-witted stuff was this technical science of industry in this field men were like gods or demons inspired to discoveries and fighting to carry them out in this activity men were Beyond any mental age calculable but Clifford knew that when it did come to the emotional and human life these self-made men were of a mental age of about 13 feeble boys the discrepancy was enormous and appalling but let that be let man slide down to General idiocy in the emotional and human mind Clifford did not care let all that go hang he was interested in the technicalities of modern coal mining and in pulling Tel out of the hole he went down to the pit day after day he studied he put the general manager and the overhead manager and the underground manager and the engineers through a mill they had never dreamed of power he felt a new sense of power flowing through him power over all these men over the hundreds and hundreds of Colliers he was finding out and he was getting things into his grip and he seemed verily to be reborn now life came into him he had been gradually dying with Connie in the isolated private life of the artist and the conscious being now let all that go let it sleep he simply felt life rush into him out of the coal out of the pit the very stale air of the cery was better than oxygen to him it gave him a sense of power power he was doing something and he was going to do something he was going to win to win not as he had won with his stories mere publicity amid a whole sapping of energy and Malice but a man’s victory at first he thought the solution lay in electricity convert the coal into electric power then a new idea came the Germans invented a new locomotive engine with a self- feeder that did not need a fireman and it was to be fed with a new fuel that burnt in small quantities at a great heat under peculiar conditions the idea of a new concentrated fuel that burnt with a hard slowness at a fierce heat was what first attracted Clifford there must be some sort of external stimulus of the burning of such fuel not merely Air Supply he began to experiment and got a clever young fellow who had proved brilliant in chemistry to help him and he felt triumphant he had at last got out of himself he had fulfilled his lifelong secret yearning to get out of himself art had not done it for him art had only made it worse but now now he had done it he was not aware how much Mrs Bolton was behind him he did not know how much he depended on her but for all that it was evident that when he was with her his voice dropped to an easy rhythm of intimacy almost a trifle vulgar with Connie he was a little stiff he felt he owed her everything and he showed her the utmost respect and consideration so long as she gave him him mere outward respect but it was obvious he had a secret dread of her the new Achilles in him had a heel and in this heel the woman the woman like Connie his wife could lame him fatally he went in a certain half subservient dread of her and was extremely nice to her but his voice was a little tense when he spoke to her and he began to be silent whenever she was present only when he was alone with Mrs Bolton did he really feel a Lord and a master and his voice ran with her almost as easily and grously as her own could run and he let her shave him or sponge all his body as if he were a child really as if he were a child chapter 10 Connie was a good deal alone now fewer people came to ragby Clifford no longer wanted them he had turned against even the cronies he was queer he preferred the radio which he had installed at some expense with a good deal of success at last he could sometimes times get Madrid or Frankfurt even there in the uneasy Midlands and he would sit alone for hours listening to the loudspeaker bellowing forth it amazed and stunned Connie but there he would sit with a blank entranced expression on his face like a person losing his mind and listen or seem to listen to the Unspeakable thing was he really listening or was it a sort of saric he took whilst something else worked on underneath in him Connie did now know she fled up to her room or out of doors to the wood a kind of Terror filled her sometimes a terror of the incipient Insanity of the whole civilized species but now that Clifford was drifting off to this other weirdness of industrial activity becoming almost a creature with a hard efficient shell of an exterior and a pulpy interior one of the amazing crabs and lobsters of the modern industrial and financial World invertebrates of the crustation order with shells of Steel like machines and inner bodies of soft pulp Connie herself was really completely stranded she was not even free for Clifford must have her there he seemed to have a nervous Terror that she should leave him the Curious pulpy part of him the emotional and humanly individual part depended on her with Terror like a child almost like an idiot she must be there there at ragby a lady chatly his wife otherwise he would be lost like an idiot on a more this amazing dependence Connie realized with a sort of horror she heard him with his pit managers with the members of his board with young scientists and she was amazed at his shrewd insight into things his power his uncanny material power over what is called practical men he had become a practical man himself and an amazingly astute and Powerful one a master Connie attributed it to Mrs Bolton’s influence upon him just at the crisis in his life but this astute and practical man was almost an idiot when left alone to his own emotional life he woried Connie she was his wife a higher being and he woried her with a queer Craven idolatry like a Savage a worship based on enormous fear and even hate of the power of the idol The Dread Idol all he wanted was for Connie to swear to swear not to leave him not to give him away Clifford she said to him but this was after she had the key to the Hut would you really like me to have a child one day he looked at her with a furtive apprehension in his rather prominent pale eyes I shouldn’t mind if it made no difference between us he said no difference to what she asked to you and me to our love for one another if it’s going to affect that then I’m all against it why I might even one day have a child of my own she looked at him in amazement I mean it might come back to me one of these days she still stared in amazement and he was uncomfortable so you would not like it if I had a child she said I tell you he replied quickly like a cornered dog I am quite willing provided it doesn’t touch your love for me if it would touch that I am dead against it Connie could only be silent in cold fear and contempt such talk was really the gabbling of an idiot he no longer knew what what he was talking about oh it wouldn’t make any difference to my feeling for you she said with a certain sarcasm there he said that is the point in that case I don’t mind in the least I mean it would be awfully nice to have a child running about the house and feel one was building up a future for it I should have something to strive for then and I should know it was your child shouldn’t I dear and it would seem just the same as my own because it is you who count in these matters you know that don’t you dear I don’t enter I am a cipher you are the great I am as far as life goes you know that don’t you I mean as far as I am concerned I mean but for you I am absolutely nothing I live for your sake and your future I am nothing to myself Connie heard it all with deepening dismay and repulsion it was one of the ghastly half truths that poison human existence what man in his senses would say such things to a woman but men aren’t in their senses what man with a spark of Honor would put this ghastly burden of Life responsibility upon a woman and leave her there in the void moreover in half an hour’s time Connie heard Clifford talking to Mrs Bolton in a hot impulsive voice revealing himself in a sort of passionless passion to the woman as if she were half mistress half Foster mother to him and Mrs Bolton was carefully dressing him in evening clothes for there were important business guests in the house Connie really sometimes felt she would die at this time she felt she was being crushed to death by weird lies and by the amazing cruelty of idiocy Clifford’s strange business efficiency in a way over her and his Declaration of private worship put her into a panic there was nothing between them she never even touched him nowadays and he never touched her he never even took her hand and held it kindly no and because they were so utterly out of touch he tortured her with his Declaration of idolatry it was the cruelty of utter impotence and she felt her reason would give way or she would die she fled as much as possible to the wood one afternoon as she sat brooding watching the water bubbling coldly in jonk well the keeper had strowed up to her I got you a keyid my lady he said saluting and he offered her the key thank you so much she said startled the Huts not very tidy if you don’t mind he said I cleared it what I could but I didn’t want you to trouble she said oh it wasn’t any trouble I am setting the hens in about a week but they won’t be scared of you I ESS will have to see to them morning and night but I shun bother you anymore more than I can help but you wouldn’t bother me she pleaded I’d rather not go to the Hut at all if I am going to be in the way he looked at her with his Keen blue eyes he seemed kindly but distant but at least he was sane and wholesome if even he looked thin and Ill a cough troubled him you have a cough she said nothing a cold the last pneumonia left me with a cough but it’s nothing he kept distant from her and would not come any nearer she went fairly often to the Hut in the morning or in the afternoon but he was never there no doubt he avoided her on purpose he wanted to keep his own privacy he had made the Hut tidy put the little table and chair near the fireplace left a little pile of kindling and small logs and put the tools and traps away as far as possible effacing himself outside by the clearing he had built a l little roof of boughs and straw a shelter for the birds and under it stood the live CPS and one day when she came she found two brown hens sitting alert and fierce in the coups sitting on pheasants eggs and fluffed out so proud and deep in all the heat of the pondering female blood this almost broke Connie’s heart she herself was so forlorn and unused not a female at all just a mere thing of Terrors then all the live coups were occupied by hen three Brown and a gray and a black all alike they clustered themselves down on the eggs in the soft nestling ponderosity of the female urge the female nature fluffing out their feathers and with brilliant eyes they watched Connie as she crouched before them and they gave short sharp clucks of anger and alarm but chiefly a female anger at being approached Connie found corn in the corn bin in the Hut she offered it to the hens in her hand they would not eat it only one hen pecked at her hand with a fierce little jab so Connie was frightened but she was pining to give them something the brooding mothers who neither fed themselves nor drank she brought water in a little tin and was delighted when one of the hens drank now she came every day to the hens they were the only things in the world that warmed her heart Clifford’s protestations made her go cold from head to foot Mrs Bolton’s voice made her go cold and the sound of the business men who came an occasional letter from michelis affected her with the same sense of chill she felt she would surely die if it lasted much longer yet it was spring and the blue bells were coming in the wood and the leaf buds on the Hazel were opening like the spatter of green rain how terrible it was that it should be spring and everything cold-hearted cold-hearted only the hens fluffed so wonderfully on the eggs were warm with their hot brooding female bodies conic felt herself living on the brink of fainting all the time then one day a lovely sunny day with great tfts of primroses under the Hazel and many violets dotting the paths she came in the afternoon to the coups and there was one tiny tiny perky chicken tinly prancing round in front of a coupe and the mother hen clucking in Terror the slim little chick was grayish brown with dark markings and it was the most alive little spark of a creature in Seven Kingdoms at that moment Connie crouched to watch in a sort of ecstasy life life pure Sparky Fearless New Life new life so tiny and so utterly without fear even when it scampered a little scrambling into the coupe again and disappeared under the hen’s feathers in answer to the mother hen’s wild alarm cries it was not really frightened it took it as a game the game of living for in a moment a tiny sharp head was poking through the gold Brown feathers of the hen and eyeing the cosmos Connie was fascinated and at the same time never had she felt so acutely the agony of her own female forness it was becoming unbearable she had only one desire now to go to the clearing in the wood the rest was a kind of painful dream but sometimes she was kept all day at ragby by her duties as Hostess and then she felt as if she too were going blank just blank and insane one even evening guests or no guests she escaped after tea it was late and she fled across the park like one who fears to be called back the sun was setting rosy as she entered the wood but she pressed on among the flowers the light would last long overhead she arrived at the clearing flushed and semiconscious the keeper was there in his shirt sleeves just closing up the coups for the night so the little occupants would be safe but still one little Trio was pattering about on tiny feet alert draag mites under the straw shelter refusing to be called in by the anxious mother I had to come and see the chickens she said panting glancing shyly at the keeper almost unaware of him are there any more 36 so far he said not bad he too took a curious pleasure in watching the young things come out Connie crouched in front of the last coupe the Three Chicks had run in but still their cheeky heads came poking sharply through the yellow feathers then withdrawing then only one beady little head eyeing forth from the vast mother body I’d love to touch them she said putting her fingers gingerly through the bars of the coupe but the mother hen pecked at her hand fiercely and Connie Drew back startled and frightened how she pecs at me she hates me she said in a wondering voice but I wouldn’t hurt them the man standing above her l laughed and crouched down beside her knees apart and put his hand with quiet confidence slowly into the coupe the old hen pecked at him but not so savagely and slowly softly with sure gentle fingers he felt among the old Bird’s feathers and Drew out a faintly Peeping chick in his closed hand there he said holding out his hand to her she took the little drab thing between her hands and there it stood on its impossible little stalks of legs its atom of balancing life trembling through its almost weightless feet into Connie’s hands but it lifted its handsome clean shaped little head boldly and looked sharply round and gave a little peep so adorable so cheeky she said softly the keeper squatting beside her was also watching with an amused face the Bold little bird in her hands suddenly he saw a tear fall onto her wrist and he stood up and stood away moving to the other Coupe for suddenly he was aware of the old flame shooting and leaping up in his loins that he had hoped was quiescent forever he fought against it turning his back to her but it leapt and leapt downwards circling in his knees he turned again to look at her she was kneeling and holding her two hands slowly forward blindly so that the chicken should run into the mother hen again and there was something so mute and forlorn in her compassion flamed in his bow for her without knowing he came quickly towards her and crouched beside her again taking the chick from her hands because she was afraid of the hen and putting it back in the coupe at the back of his loins the fire suddenly darted stronger he glanced apprehensively at her her face was averted and she was crying blindly in all the anguish of her generation foress his heart melted suddenly like a drop of fire and he put out his hand and laid his fingers on her knee you shouldn’t cry he said softly but then she put her hands over her face and felt that really her heart was broken and nothing mattered anymore he laid his hand on her shoulder and softly gently it began to travel down the curve of her back blindly with a blind stroking motion to the curve of her crouching loins and there his hand softly softly stroked the curve of her Flank In The Blind instinctive caress she had found her scrap of handkerchief and was blindly trying to dry her face shall you come to the Hut he said in a quiet neutral voice and closing his hands Softly on her upper arm he drew her up and led her slowly to the Hut not letting go of her till she was inside then he cleared aside the chair and table and took a brown solders blanket from the tool chest spreading it slowly she glanced at his face as she stood Motionless his face was pale and without expression like that of a man submitting to fate you lie there he said softly and he shut the door so that it was dark quite dark with a queer obedience she laid down on the blanket then she felt the soft groping helplessly desirous hand touching her body feeling for her face the hand stroked her face softly softly with infinite soothing and assurance and at last there was the soft touch of a kiss on her cheek she lay quite still in a sort of sleep in a sort of dream then she quivered as she felt his hand groping softly yet with queer thwarted clumsiness among her clothing yet the hand Knew Too how to unclothe her where it wanted he drew down the thin silk sheath slowly carefully right down and over her feet then with a quiver of Exquisite pleasure he touched the warm soft body and touched her navl for a moment in a kiss and he had to come into her at once to enter the peace on Earth of her soft quiescent body it was the moment of pure peace for him the entry into the body of the woman she lay still in a kind of sleep always in a kind of sleep the activity the orgasm was his all his she could strive for herself no more even the tightness of his arms around her even the intense movement of his body and the springing of his seed in her was a kind of sleep from which he did not begin to to Rouse till he had finished and lay softly panting against her breast then she wondered just dimly wondered why why was this necessary why had it lifted a great cloud from her and given her peace was it real was it real her tormented modern woman’s Brain still had no rest was it real and she knew if she gave herself to the man it was real but if she kept herself for herself it was nothing she was old millions of years old she felt and at last she could bear the burden of herself no more she was to be had for the taking to be had for the taking the man lay in a mysterious Stillness what was he feeling what was he thinking she did not know he was a strange man to her she did not know him she must only wait for she did not dare to break his mysterious Stillness he lay there with his arms around her his body on hers his wet body touching hers so close and completely unknown yet not unpeaceful his very Stillness was peaceful she knew that when at last he roused and Drew away from her it was like an abandonment he drew her dress in the darkness down over her knees and stood a few moments apparently adjusting his own clothing then he quietly opened the door and went out she saw a very brilliant little moon shining above the the Afterglow over the Oaks quickly she got up and arranged herself she was tidy then she went to the door of the Hut all the lower wood was in Shadow almost Darkness yet the sky overhead was Crystal but it sheded hardly any light he came through the lower Shadow towards her his face lifted like a pale blotch shall we go then he said where I’ll go with you to the gate he arranged things his own way he locked the door of the Hut and came after her you aren’t sorry are you he asked as he went at her side no no are you she said for that no he said then after a while he added but there’s the rest of things what rest of things she said sir Clifford other folks all the complications why compli ations she said disappointed it’s always so for you as well as for me there’s always complications He Walked on steadily in the dark and are you sorry she said in a way he replied looking up at the sky I thought I’d done with it all now I’ve begun again begun what life life she re-echoed with a queer thrill it’s life he said there’s no keeping clear and if you do keep clear you might almost as well die so if I’ve got to be broken open again I have she did not quite see it that way but still it’s just love she said cheerfully whatever that may be he replied they went on through the darkening wood in silence till they were almost at the gate but you don’t hate me do you she said wistfully nay nay he replied and suddenly he held her fast against his breast again with the old connecting passion nay for me it was good it was good was it for you yes for me too she answered a little untruthfully for she had not been conscious of much he kissed her softly softly with the kisses of warmth if only there weren’t so many other people in the world he said lugubriously she laughed they were at the gate to the park he opened it for her I won’t come any further he said no and she held out her hand as if to shake hands but he took it in both his shall I come again she asked wistfully yes yes she left him and went across the park he stood back and watched her going into the dark against the pet of the Horizon almost with bitterness he wed watched her go she had connected him up again when he had wanted to be alone she had cost him that bitter privacy of a man who at last wants only to be alone he turned into the dark of the wood all was still the moon had set but he was aware of the noises of the night the engines at Stacks gate the traffic on the main road slowly he climbed the denu did null and from the top he could see the country bright rows of Lights at Stack’s gate smaller lights at Tel pit the yellow lights of Tel and lights everywhere here and there on the dark country with the distant blush of furnaces faint and Rosy since the night was clear the rosiness of the outpouring of white hot metal sharp Wicked electric lights at stack gate an undefinable quick of evil in them and all the unease the ever shifting dread of the industrial night in the Midlands he could hear the winding engines at Stacks gate turning down the 7:00 miners the the pit worked three shifts he went down again into the darkness and seclusion of the wood but he knew that the seclusion of the wood was elusory the Industrial noises broke the Solitude the sharp lights though unseen mocked it a man could no longer be private and withdrawn the world allows no Hermits and now he had taken the woman and brought on himself a new cycle of pain and doom for he knew by experience what it meant it was not woman’s fault nor even Love’s fault nor the fault of sex the fault lay there out there in those evil electric lights and diabolical rattlings of engines there in the world of the mechanical greedy greedy mechanism and mechanized greed sparkling with lights and gushing hot metal and roaring with traffic there lay the vast evil thing ready to destroy whatever did not conform soon it would destroy the wood and the blue bells would spring no more all vulnerable things must perish under the rolling and running of iron he thought with infinite tenderness of the woman poor foror thing she was nicer than she knew and oh so much too nice for the tough lot she was in contact with poor thing she too had some of the vulnerability of the wild hent she wasn’t all tough rubber goods and platinum like the modern girl and they would do her in as sure as life they would do her in as they do in all naturally tender life tender some way she was tender tender with a tenderness of the growing hence something that has gone out of the Celluloid women of today but he would protect her with his heart for a little while for a little while before the insentient iron world and the Mammon of mechanized greed did them both in her as well as him he went home with his gun and his dog to the dark Cottage lit the lamp started the fire and ate his supper of bread and cheese Young onions and beer he was alone in a silence he loved his room was clean and tidy but rather Stark yet the fire was bright The Hearth white the petroleum lamp hung bright over the table with its white oil cloth he tried to read a book about India but tonight he could not read he sat by the fire in his shirt sleeves not smoking but with a mug of beer in reach and he thought about Connie to tell the truth he was sorry for what had happened perhaps most for her sake he had a sense of forboding no sense of wrong or sin he was troubled by no conscience in that respect he knew that conscience was chiefly fear of society or fear of oneself he was not afraid of himself but he was quite consciously afraid of society which he knew by instinct to be a malevolent partly insane Beast the woman if she could be there with him and there were nobody else in the world the desire rose again his penis began to stir like a live bird at the same time in oppression a dread of exposing himself and her to that outside thing that sparkled viciously in the electric lights weighed down his shoulders she poor young thing was just a young female creature to him but a young female creature whom he had gone into and whom he desired again stretching with the Curious yawn of desire for he had been alone and apart from man or woman for four years he rose and took his coat again and his gun lowered the lamp and went out into the starry night with the dog driven by desire and by dread of the malevolent thing outside he made his round in the wood slowly softly he loved the darkness and folded himself into it it fitted the turgidity of his desire which in spite of all was like a riches the stirring restlessness of his penis the stirring fire in his loins oh if only there were other men to be with to fight that sparkling electric thing outside there to preserve the tenderness of Life the tenderness of women and the natural Riches of Desire if only there were men to fight side by side with but the men were all outside there glorying in the thing triumphing or being trotten down and then Rush of mechanized greed or of greedy mechanism constant for her part had hurried across the park home almost without thinking as yet she had no afterthought she would be in time for dinner she was annoyed to find the doors fastened however so that she had to ring Mrs Bolton opened why there you are your ladyship I was beginning to wonder if you’d gone lost she said a little roguishly sir Clifford hasn’t asked for you though he’s got Mr Linley and with him talking over something it looks as if he’d stay to dinner doesn’t it my lady it does rather said Connie shall I put dinner back a quarter of an hour that would give you time to dress in Comfort perhaps you’d better Mr Linley was the general manager of the ceries an elderly man from the north with not quite enough punch to suit Clifford not up to post-war conditions nor post-war Colliers either with their CA canny Creed But Connie liked Mr Lindley though she was glad to be spared the toading of his wife Linley stayed to dinner and Connie was the hostess men liked so much much so modest yet so attentive and aware with big wide blue eyes and a soft Repose that sufficiently hid what she was really thinking Connie had played this woman so much it was almost second nature to her but still decidedly second yet it was curious how everything disappeared from her Consciousness while she played it she waited patiently till she could go upstairs and think her own thoughts she was always waiting it seemed to be her forte once in her room however she felt still vague and confused she didn’t know what to think what sort of a man was he really did he really like her not much she felt yet he was kind there was something a sort of warm naive kindness curious and sudden that almost opened her wound to him but she felt he might be kind like that to any woman though even so it was curiously soothing comforting and he was a passionate man wholesome and passionate but perhaps he wasn’t quite individual enough he might be the same with any woman as he had been with her it really wasn’t personal she was only really a female to him but perhaps that was better and after all he was kind to the female in her which no man had ever been men were very kind to the person she was but rather cruel to the female despising her or ignoring her altogether men were awfully kind to Conant Reed or to lady chatly but not to her womb they weren’t kind and he took no notice of constant or of Lady chatly he just softly stroked her loins or her breasts she went to the wood next day it was a gray still afternoon with the dark green dogs Mercury spreading under the Hazel cops and all the trees making a silent effort to open their buds today she could almost feel it in her own body the huge heave of the sap in the massive trees upwards up up to the bud tips there to push into little flamy oak leaves bronze as blood it was like a ride running tured upward and spreading on the sky she came to the clearing but he was not there she had only half expected him the Fant chicks were running lightly abroad light as insects from the CPS where the fellow hens clucked anxiously Connie sat and watched them and waited she only waited even the chicks she hardly saw she waited the time passed with dreamlike slowness and he did not come she had only half expected him he never came in the afternoon she must go home to tea but she had to force herself to leave as she went home a fine drizzle of rain fell is it raining again said Clifford seeing her shake her hat just drizzle she poured tea in silence absorbed in a sort of obstinacy she did want to see the keeper today to see if it were really real if it were really real shall I read a little to you afterwards said Clifford she looked at him had he sensed something the spring makes me feel queer I thought I might rest a little she said just as you like not feeling really unwell are you no only rather tired with the spring will you have Mrs Bolton to play something with you you no I think I’ll listen in she heard the Curious satisfaction in his voice she went upstairs to her bedroom there she heard the loud speaker begin to Bellow in an idiotically velvetine Gentile sort of voice something about a series of Street cries the very cream of Gentile affectation imitating old criers she pulled on her old violet colored MacIntosh and slipped out of the house at the side door the drizzle of rain was like a veil over over the world mysterious hushed not cold she got very warm as she hurried across the park she had to open her light waterproof the wood was silent still and secret in the evening drizzle of Rain full of the mystery of eggs and half open buds half unsheathed flowers in the dimness of it all trees glistened naked and dark as if they had unclothed themselves and the green things on earth seemed to hung with greenness there was still no one at the clearing the chicks had nearly all gone under the mother hens only one or two last adventurous Ones Still dipped about in the dryness under the straw roof shelter and they were doubtful of themselves so he still had not been he was staying away on purpose or perhaps something was wrong perhaps she should go to the cottage and see but she was born to wait she opened the Hut with her key it was all tidy the corn put in the bin the blankets folded on the Shelf the straw neat in a corner a new bundle of straw the hurricane lamp hung on a nail the table and chair had been put back where she had Lain she sat down on a stool in the doorway how still everything was the fine rain blew very softly filmy but the wind made no noise nothing made any sound the trees stood like powerful beings dim Twilight silent and alive how alive everything was night was drawing near again she would have to go he was avoiding her but suddenly he came striding into the clearing in his black oil skin jacket like a chauffeur shining with wet he glanced quickly at the hut half saluted then ve aside and went on to the coups there he crouched in silence looking carefully at everything then carefully shutting the hens and chicks up safe against the night at last he came slowly toward WS her she still sat on her stool he stood before her under the porch you come then he said using the intonation of the dialect yes she said looking up at him you are late a he replied looking away into the wood she Rose slowly drawing aside her stool did you want to come in she asked he looked down at her shrewdly won’t folks be thinking something think you come in here every night he said why she looked up at him at a loss I said I’d come nobody knows they soon will though he replied and what then she was at a loss for an answer why should they know she said folks always does he said fatally her lip quivered a little well I can’t help it she faltered nay he said you can help it by not coming if you want to he added in a lower tone but I don’t want to she murmured he looked away into the wood and was silent but what when folks finds out he asked at last think about it think how lowered you’ll feel one of your husband’s servants she looked up at his averted face is it she stammered is it that you don’t want me think he said think what if folks find out sir Clifford an and everybody talking well I can go away where to anywhere I’ve got money of my own my mother left me £20,000 in trust and I know Clifford can’t touch it I can go away but app and you don’t want to go away yes yes I don’t care what happens to me a you think that but you’ll care you’ll have to care everybody has you’ve got to remember your ladyship is carrying on with a gamekeeper it’s not as if I was a gentleman yes you’d care you’d care I shouldn’t what do I care about my ladyship I hate it really I feel people are jering every time they say it and they are they are even you Jer when you say it me for the first time he looked straight at her and into her eyes I don’t jeer at you he said as he looked into her eyes she saw his own eyes go dark quite dark the pupils dilating don’t you care about the risk he asked in a husky voice you should care don’t care when it’s too late there was a curious warning pleading in his voice but I’ve nothing to lose she said fretfully if you knew what it is you’d think I’d be glad to lose it but are you afraid for yourself a he said briefly I am I’m afraid I’m afraid I’m afraid of things what things she asked he gave a curious backward jerk of his head indicating the outer World things everybody the lot of them then he bent down and suddenly kissed her unhappy face nay I don’t care he said let’s have it and and damn the rest but if you was to feel sorry you’d ever done it don’t put me off she pleaded he put his fingers to her cheek and kissed her again suddenly let me come in then he said softly and take off your Macintosh he hung up his gun slipped out of his wet leather jacket and reached for the blankets I brought another blanket he said so we can put one over us if you like I can’t stay long she said said dinner is half 7 he looked at her swiftly then at his watch all right he said he shut the door and lit a tiny light in the hanging hurricane lamp one time we’ll have a long time he said he put the blankets down carefully one folded for her head then he sat down a moment on the stool and Drew her to him holding her close with one arm feeling for her body with his free hand she heard the catch of his intake breath as he found her under her frail Petticoat she was naked a what it is to touch thee he said as his finger caressed the delicate warm secret skin of her waist and hips he put his face down and rubbed his cheek against her belly and against her thighs again and again and again she wondered a little over the sort of rapture it was to him she did not understand the beauty he found in her through touch upon her living Secret body almost the Stacy of Beauty for passion alone is awake to it and when passion is dead or absent then the Magnificent throb of beauty is incomprehensible and even a little despicable warm live beauty of contact so much deeper than the beauty of vision she felt the Glide of his cheek on her thighs and belly and buttocks and the close brushing of his mustache and his soft thick hair and her knees began to quiver far down in her she felt a new stirring a new nakedness emerging and she was half afraid half she wished he would not caress her so he was encompassing her somehow yet she was waiting waiting and when he came into her with an intensification of relief and consummation that was pure peace to him still she was waiting she felt herself a little left out and she knew partly it was her own fault she wed herself into this separateness now perhaps she was condemned to it she lay still feeling his motion within her his deep sunk intentness the sudden quiver of him at the springing of his seed then the slow subsiding thrust that thrust of the buttocks surely it was a little ridiculous if you were a woman and a part in all the business surely that thrusting of the man’s butttocks was supremely ridiculous surely the man was intensely ridiculous in this posture and this act but she lay still without recoil even when he had finished she did not herself to get a grip on her own satisfaction as she had done with michelis she lay still and the tears slowly filled and ran from her eyes he lay still too but he held her close and tried to cover her poor naked legs with his legs to keep them warm he lay on her with a close undoubting warmth are you cold he asked in a soft Small Voice as if she were close so close whereas she was left out distant no but I must go she said gently he sighed held her closer then relaxed to rest again he had not guessed her tears he thought she was there with him I must go she repeated he lifted himself kneeled beside her a moment kissed the inner side of her thighs then Drew down her skirts buttoning his own clothes unthinking not even turning aside in the faint faint light from the lantern th man come to her th Cottage one time he said looking down at her with a warm sure easy face but she lay there inert and was gazing up at him thinking stranger stranger she even resented him a little he put on his coat and looked for his hat which had fallen then he slung on his gun come then he said looking down at her with those warm peaceful sort of eyes she Rose slowly she didn’t want to go she also rather resented staying he helped her with her thin waterproof and saw she was tidy then he opened the door the outside was quite dark the faithful dog under the porch stood up with pleasure seeing him the drizzle of rain drifted gray past upon the darkness it was quite dark arante T Lantern he said L be Obi he walked just before her in the Narrow Path swinging the hurricane lamp low revealing the wet grass the black shiny tree roots like snakes one flowers for the rest all was gray rain mist and complete darkness tharman come to the cottage one time he said shelar we might as well be hung for a sheep as for a lamb it puzzled her his queer persistent wanting her when there was nothing between them when he never really spoke to her and in spite of herself she resented the dialect his th man comes seemed not addressed to her but some common woman she recognized the Fox Glove leaves of the riding and knew more or less where they were it’s quter 7 he said Youk do it he had changed his voice seemed to feel her distance as they turned the last Bend in the riding towards the Hazel wall and the gate he blew out the light we’ll see from here he said taking her gently by the arm but it was difficult the Earth under their feet was a mystery but he felt his way by tread he was used to it at the gate he gave her his electric torch it’s a bit lighter in the park he said but take it for fear you get off th path it was true there seemed a ghost glimmer of greyness in the open space of the park he suddenly Drew her to him and whipped his hand under her dress again feeling her warm body with his wet chill hand I could die for the touch of a woman like thee he said in his throat if th would stop another minute she felt the sudden force of his wanting her again no I must run she said a little wildly a he replied suddenly changed letting her go she turned away and on the instant she turned back to him saying kiss me he bent over her indistinguishable and kissed her on the left eye she held her mouth and he softly kissed it but at once Drew away he hated mouth kisses I’ll come tomorrow she said drawing away if I can she added a not so late he replied out of the darkness already she could not see him at all good night she said good night your ladyship his voice she stopped and looked back into the wet dark she could just see the bulk of him why did you say that she said nay he replied good night then run she plunged on in the dark gray tangible night she found the side door open and slipped into her room unseen as she closed the door the gong sounded but she would take her bath all the same she must take her bath but I won’t be late anymore she said to herself it’s too annoying the next day she did not go to the wood she went instead with Clifford to uwa he could occasionally go out now in the car and had got a strong young man as chauffeur who could help him out of the car if need be he particularly wanted to see his Godfather Leslie winter who lived at Shipley Hall not far from UWE winter was an elderly gentleman now wealthy one of the wealthy coal owners who had had their Heyday in King Edward’s time King Edward had stayed more than once at Shipley for the shooting it was a handsome old Stucker Hall very elegantly appointed for winter Was A Bachelor and prided himself on his style but the place was beset by ceries Leslie winter was attached to Clifford but personally did not entertain a great respect for him because of the photographs in Illustrated papers and the literature the old man was a buck of the King Edward school who thought life was life and the scribbling fellows were something else towards Connie The Squire was always rather Gallant he thought her an attractive demure maen and rather wasted on Clifford and it was a thousand pities he stood no chance of bringing forth an air to rag be he himself had no air Connie wondered what he would say if he knew that Clifford’s gamekeeper had been having intercourse with her and saying to her tharman come to th Cottage one time he would detest and despise her for he had come almost to hate the shoving forward of the working classes a man of her own class he would not mind for Connie was gifted from nature with this appearance of demure submissive maidenin and perhaps it was part of her nature winter called her dear child and gave her a rather lovely miniature of an 18th century lady rather against her will but Connie was preoccupied with her affair with the keeper after all Mr winter who was really a gentleman and a man of the world treated her as a person and a discriminating individual he did not lump her together with all the rest of his female Womanhood in his the and th she did not go to the wood that day nor the next nor the day following she did not go so long as she felt or imagine she felt the man waiting for her wanting her but the fourth day she was terribly unsettled and uneasy she still refused to go to the wood and open her thighs once more to the man she thought of all the things she might do drive to Sheffield pay visits and the thought of all these things was repellent at last she decided to take a walk not towards the wood but in the opposite direction she would go to me through the little Iron Gate in the other side of the park fence it was a quiet gray day of spring almost warm she walked on unheeding absorbed in thoughts she was not even conscious of she was not really aware of anything outside her till she was startled by the loud barking of the dog at mehe farm mehe farm its pastures ran up to ragby Park fence so they were neighbors but it was sometime since Connie had called Bell she said to the big white bull terrier B have you forgotten me don’t you know me me she was afraid of dogs and Belle stood back and bellowed and she wanted to pass through the farmyard onto the Warren path Mrs Flint appeared she was a woman of constant’s own age had been a school teacher But Connie suspected her of being rather a false little thing why it’s lady chatterly why and Mrs Flint’s eyes glowed again and she flushed like a young girl Belle Belle why barking at lady chatly Bell be quiet she darted forward and slashed at the dog with a white cloth she held in her hand then came forward to Connie she used to know me said Connie shaking hands the flints were chatly tenants of course she knows your ladyship she’s just showing off said Mrs Flint glowing and looking up with a sort of Flushed confusion but it’s so long since she’s seen you I do hope you are better yes thanks I’m all right we’ve hardly seen you all winter will you come in and look at the baby well Connie hesitated just for a minute Mrs Flint flew wildly into tidy up and Connie came slowly after her hesitating in the rather dark kitchen where the kettle was boiling by the fire back came Mrs Flint I do hope you’ll excuse me she said will you come in here they went into the living room where a baby was sitting on the rag Hearth rug and the table was roughly set for tea a young servant girl backed down the passage shy and awkward the baby was a perky little thing of about a year with red hair like its father and cheeky pale blue eyes it was a girl and not to be daunted it sat among cushions and was surrounded with raged dolls and other toys in modern excess why what a deer she is said Connie and how is grown a big girl a big girl she had given it a Shaw when it was born and Celluloid ducks for Christmas there Josephine who’s that come to see you who’s this Josephine lady chatly you know lady chatly don’t you the queer per little Mike gazed cheekily at Connie lady ships were still all the same to her come will you come to me said Connie to the baby the baby didn’t care one way or another so Connie picked her up and held her in her lap how warm and lovely it was to hold a child in one’s lap and the soft little arms the unconscious cheeky little legs I was just having a rough cup of tea all by myself Luke’s gone to Market so I can have it when I like would you care for a cup lady chatterly I don’t suppose it’s what you’re used to but if you would Connie would though she didn’t want to be reminded of what she was used to there was a great relaying of the table and the best cups BR and the best teapot if only you wouldn’t take any trouble said Connie but if Mrs Flint took no trouble where was the fun so Connie played with the child and was amused by its little female dauntlessness and got a deep voluptuous pleasure out of its soft young warmth young life and so Fearless so Fearless because so defenseless all the other people so narrow with fear she had a cup of tea which was rather strong and very good bread and butter and bottled damsons Mrs Flint flushed and glowed and bridled with excitement as if Connie was some Gallant Knight and they had a real female chat and both of them enjoyed it it’s a poor little tea though said Mrs Flint it’s much nicer than at home said Connie truthfully oh H said Mrs Flint not believing of course but at last Connie Rose I must go she said my husband has no idea where I am he’ll be wondering all kinds of things he’ll never think you’re here laughed Mrs Flint excitedly HEK be sending the cry around goodbye Josephine said Connie kissing the baby and ruffling its red wispy hair Mrs Flint insisted on opening the locked and barred front door Connie emerged in the Farm’s little front garden shut in by a privet hedge there were two rows of orics by the path very velvety and Rich lovely orics said Connie Reckless is as Luke calls them laughed Mrs Flint have some and eagerly she picked the Velvet and Primrose flowers enough enough said Connie they came to the little garden gate which way were you going asked Mrs Flint by the Warren let me see oh yes the cows are in the Gin close but they’re not up yet but the gate’s locked you’ll have to climb I can climb said Connie perhaps I can just go down the close with you they went down the poor rabbit bitten pasture birds were whistling in Wild evening Triumph in the wood A man was calling up the last cows which triled slowly over the pathor pasture they late milking tonight said Mrs Flint severely they know Luke won’t be back till after dark they came to the fence Beyond which the young fur would bristle dense there was a little gate but it was locked in the grass on the inside stood a bottle empty there’s the Keeper’s Empty Bottle for his milk explained Mrs Flint we bring it as far as here for him and then he fetches it himself when said Connie oh anytime he’s around often in the morning well goodbye lady chatly and you come again it was so lovely having you Connie climbed the fence into the narrow path between the dents bristling young Furs Mrs Flint went running back across the pasture in a sun Bonnet because she was really a school teacher constant didn’t like this dense new part of the wood it seemed gruesome and choking she hurried on with her head down thinking of the Flint’s baby it was a dear little thing but it would be a bit bowlegged like its father it showed already but perhaps it would grow out of it how warm and fulfilling somehow to have a baby and how Mrs Flint had showed it off she had something anyhow that Connie hadn’t got and apparently couldn’t have yes Mrs Flint had flaunted her motherhood and Connie had been just a bit just a little bit jealous she couldn’t help it she started out of her Muse and gave a little Cry of Fear a man was there it was the keeper he stood in the path like balam’s ass barring her way how’s this he said in Surprise how did you come she panted how did you have you been to the Hut no no I went to me he looked at her curiously search in L and she hung her head a little guiltily and were you going to the Hut now he asked rather sternly no I mustn’t I stayed at mer no one knows where I am I’m late I’ve got to run giving me the slip like he said with a faint ironic smile no no not that only why what else he said and he stepped up to her and put his arms around her she felt the front of his body terribly near to her and Alive oh not now not now she cried trying to push him away why not it’s only 6:00 you’ve got half an hour nay nay I want you he held her fast and she felt his urgency her old Instinct was to fight for her freedom but something else in her was strange and inert and heavy his body was urgent against her and she hadn’t the heart anymore to fight he looked around come come here through here he said looking penetratingly into the dense fur trees that were young and not more than half grown he looked back at her she saw his eyes tense and Brilliant Fierce not loving but her will had left her a strange weight was on her limbs she was giving way she was giving up he led her through the wall of prickly trees that were difficult to come through to a place where was a little space and a pile of dead boughs he threw one or two dry ones down put his coat and waist coat over them and she had to lie down there under the boughs of the tree like an animal while he waited standing there in his shirt and breaches watching her with haunted eyes but still he was Provident he made her lie properly properly yet he broke the band of her underclothes for she did not help him only lay inert he too had Beed the front part of his body and she felt his naked flesh against her as he came into her for a moment he was still inside her turgid there and quivering then as he began to move in the sudden helpless orgasm there awoke in her new strange Thrills Rippling inside her Rippling Rippling Rippling like a flapping overlapping of soft Flames soft as feathers running to points of Brilliance exquisite Exquisite and melting her all molten inside it was like Bells Rippling up and up to a culmination she lay unconscious of the wild little cries she uttered at the last but it was over too soon too soon and she could no longer force her own conclusion with her own activity this was different different she could do nothing she could no longer Harden and grip for her own satisfaction upon him she could only wait wait and moan in spirit as she felt him withdrawing withdrawing and Contracting coming to the terrible moment when he would slip out of her and be gone whilst all her womb was open and soft and softly clamoring like a Sea anemon Under The Tide clamoring for him to come in again and make a fulfillment for her she clung to him unconscious in passion and he never quite slipped from her and she felt the soft butd of him within her stirring and strange rhythms flushing up into her with a strange rhythmic growing motion swelling and swelling till it filled all her cleaving Consciousness and then began again the Unspeakable motion that was not really motion but pure deepening whirlpools of sensation swirling deeper and deeper through all her tissue and Consciousness till she was one perfect concentric fluid of feeling and she lay there crying in unconscious inarticulate cries the voice out of the uttermost night the life the man heard it beneath him with a kind of awe as his life sprang out into her and as it subsided he subsided too and lay utterly still unknowing while her grip on him slowly relaxed and she lay inert and they lay and knew nothing not even of each other both lost till at last he began to Rouse and become aware of his defenseless nakedness and she was aware that his body was loosening its clasp on her he was coming apart but in her breast she felt she could not bear him to leave her uncovered he must cover her now forever but he drew away at last and kissed her and covered her over and began to cover himself she lay looking up to the boughs of the tree unable as yet to move he stood and fastened up his breaches looking round all was dense and Silent save for the OD dog that lay with its paws against its nose he sat down again on the Brushwood and took Connie’s hand in silence she turned and looked at him we came off together that time he said she did not answer it’s good when it’s like that most folks live their lives through and they never know it he said speaking rather dreamily she looked into his brooding face do they she said are you glad he looked back into her eyes glad he said a but never mind he did not want her to talk and he bent over her and kissed her and she felt so he must kiss her forever at last she sat up don’t people often come off together she asked with naive curiosity a good many of them never you can see by the raw look of them he spoke unwittingly regretting he had begun have you come off like that with other women he looked at her amused I don’t know he said I don’t know and she knew he would never tell her anything he didn’t want to tell her she watched his face and the passion for him moved in her bowels she resisted it as far as she could for it was the loss of herself to herself he put on his waist coat and his coat and pushed away through to the path again the last level rays of the Sun Touched the wood I wonk come with you he said better not she looked at him wistfully before she turned his dog was waiting so anxiously for him to go and he seemed to have nothing whatever to say nothing left Connie went slowly home realizing the depth of the other thing in her another self was alive in her burning molten and soft in her womb and bowels and with this self she adored him she adored him till her knees were weak as she walked in her womb and bowels she was flowing and Alive now and vulnerable and helpless in adoration of him as the most naive woman it feels like a child she said to herself it feels like a child in me and so it did as if her womb that had always been shut had opened and filled with new life almost a burden yet lovely if I had a child she thought to herself if I had him inside me as a child exclamation mark and her limbs turned molten at the thought and she realized the immense difference between having a child to oneself and having a child to a man whom one’s bows yearned towards the former seemed in a sense ordinary but to have a child to a man whom one adored in one’s bowels and one’s womb it made her feel she was very different from her old self and as if she was sinking deep deep to the center Center of all Womanhood and the sleep of creation it was not the passion that was new to her it was the yearning adoration she knew she had always feared it for it left her helpless she feared it still lest if she adored him too much then she would lose herself become a fac and she did not want to be a faced a slave like a Savage woman she must not become a slave she feared her adoration yet she would not at once fight against it she knew she could fight it she had a devil of self-will in her breast that could have fought the full soft heaving Adoration of her womb and crushed it she could even now do it or she thought so and she could then take up her passion with her own will ah yes to be passionate like a banti like a banel fleeing through the woods to call on iOS the bright fellows that had no independent personality behind it but was pure God’s servant to the woman the man the individual let him not dare intrude he was but a Temple servant the bearer and Keeper of the bright fellows her own so in the flux of new Awakening the old hard passion flamed in her for a time and the man dwindled to a contemptible object the mere fellows Bearer to be Torn to Pieces when his service was performed she felt the force of the Bary in her Limbs and her body the woman gleaming and Rapid beating down the male but while she felt this her heart was Heavy she did not want it it was known and barren birthless the Adoration was her treasure it was so fathomless so soft so deep and so unknown no no she would give up her hard bright female power she was weary of it stiffened with it she would sink in the new bath of life in the depths of her womb and her bowels that sang the voiceless song of adoration it was early yet to begin to fear the man I walked over by me and I had tea with Mrs Flint she said to Clifford I wanted to see the baby it’s so adorable with hair like red cobwebs such a Dear Mr Flint had gone to Market so she and I and the baby had tea together did you wonder where I was well I wondered but I guessed you had dropped in somewhere to tea said Clifford jealously with a sort of Second Sight he sensed something new in her something to him quite incomprehensible but he ascribed it to the baby he thought that all that ailed Connie was that she did not have a baby automatically bring one forth so to speak I saw you go across the park to the Iron Gate my lady said Mrs Bolton so I thought perhaps you’d called at the rectory I nearly did then I turned towards me instead the eyes of the two women met Mrs Bolton’s gray and bright and searching Connie’s blue and veiled and Strangely Beautiful Mrs Bolton was almost sure she had a lover yet how could it be and who could it be where was there a man oh it’s so good for you if you go out and see a bit of company sometimes said Mrs Bolton I was saying to Sir Clifford it would do her ladyship a world of good if she’d go out among people more yes I’m glad I went and such a quaint dear cheeky baby Clifford said Connie it’s got hair just like spiderwebs and bright orange and the oddest cheekiest pale blue China eyes of course it’s a girl or it wouldn’t be so bold Bolder than any little Sir Francis Drake you are right my lady a regular little Flint they were always a forward Sandy headed family said Mrs Bolton wouldn’t you like to see it Clifford I’ve asked them to tea for you to see it who he asked looking at Connie in great uneasiness Mrs flint and the baby next Monday you can have them to tea up in your room he said why don’t you want to see the baby she cried oh I’ll see it but I don’t want to sit through a tea time with them oh cried Connie looking at him with wide veiled eyes she did not really see him he was somebody else you can have a nice cozy tea up in your room my lady and Mrs Flint will be more comfortable than if sir Clifford was there said Mrs Bolton she was sure Connie had a lover and something in her soul exalted but who was he who was he perhaps Mrs Flint would provide a clue Connie would not take her bath this evening the sense of his flesh touching her his very stickiness upon her was dear to her and in a sense holy Clifford was very uneasy he would not let her go after dinner and she had wanted so much to be alone she looked at him but was curiously submissive shall we play a game or shall I read to you or what shall it be he asked uneasily you read to me said Connie what shall I read verse or Pros or drama read Rasin she said it had been one of his stunts in the past to read Rasin the real French Grand manner but he was Rusty now and a little self-conscious he really preferred the loudspeaker But Connie was sewing sewing a little frock of Primrose silk cut out of one of her dresses for Mrs Flint’s baby between coming home and dinner she had cut it out and she sat in the soft quiescent Rapture of herself sewing while the noise of the reading went on inside herself she could feel the humming of passion like the after humming of deep Bells Clifford said something to her about the Rin she caught the sense after the words had gone yes yes she said looking up at him it is Splendid again he was frightened at the deep blue blaze of her eyes and of her soft Stillness sitting there she had never been so utterly soft and still she fascinated him helplessly as if some perfume about her intoxicated him so he went on helplessly with his reading and the throaty sound of the French was like the wind in the chimneys to her of the Rasin she heard not one syllable she was gone in her own soft Rapture like a forest swing with the dim glad moan of spring moving into Bud she could feel in the same world with with her the man the nameless man moving on beautiful feet beautiful in the phallic mystery and in herself in all her veins she felt him and his child his child was in all her veins like a Twilight for hands she hath none nor eyes nor feet nor golden treasure of hair she was like a forest like the dark interlacing of the oak wood hming inaudibly with Myriad unfolding buds meanwhile the birds of Desire were asleep in the Vine interlaced intricacy of her body but Clifford’s voice went on clapping and gurgling with unusual sounds how extraordinary it was how extraordinary he was bent there over the book queer and rapacious and civilized with broad shoulders and no real legs what a strange creature with the sharp cold inflexible wool of some bird and no warmth no warmth at all one of those creatures of the afterwards that have no soul but an extra alert will cold will she shuddered a little afraid of him but then the soft warm flame of life was stronger than he and the real things were hidden from him the reading finished she was startled she looked up and was more startled still to see Clifford watching her with pale uncanny eyes like hate thank you so much you do read Rasin beautifully she said softly almost as beautifully as you listen to him he said cruy what are you making he asked I’m making a child’s dress for Mrs Flint’s baby he turned away a child a child that was all her Obsession after all he said in a declamatory voice one gets all one wants out of Rasin emotions that are ordered and given shape are more important than disorderly emotions she watched him with wide vague veiled eyes yes I’m sure they are she said the modern world has only vulgarized Emotion by letting it Loose what we need is classic control yes she said slowly thinking of him listening with vacant face to the emotional idiocy of the radio people pretend to have emotions and they really feel nothing I suppose that is being romantic exactly he said as a matter of fact he was tired this evening had tired him he would rather have been with his technical books or his pit manager or listening in to the radio Mrs Bolton came in with two glasses of molted milk for Clifford to make him sleep and for Connie to fatten her again it was a regular night cap she had introduced Connie was glad to go when she had drunk her glass and thankful she needn’t help Clifford to bed she took his glass and put it on the tray then took the tray to leave it outside good night Clifford do sleep well the Rasin gets into one like a dream good night she had drifted to the door she was going without kissing him good night he watched her with sharp cold eyes so she did not even kiss him good night after he had spent an evening reading to her such depths of callousness in her even if the kiss was but a formality it was on such formalities that life pens she was a Bolshevik really her instincts were bullistic he gazed coldly and angrily at the door whence she had gone anger and again The Dread of the night came on him he was a network of nerves and when he was not braced up to work and so full of energy or when he was not listening in and so utterly neuter then he was haunted by anxiety and a sense of dangerous impending void he was afraid and Connie could keep the fear off him if she would but it was obvious she wouldn’t she wouldn’t she was callous cold and callous to all that he did for her he gave up his life for her and she was callous to him she only wanted her own way the lady loves her will now it was a baby she was obsessed by just so that it should be her own but his dread was the nights when he could not sleep then it was awful indeed when Annihilation pressed in on him on every side then it was ghastly to exist without having any life lifeless in the night to exist but now he could ring for Mrs Bolton and she would always come that was a great comfort she would come in her dressing gown with her hair in a plat down her back curiously girlish and dim though the brown plat was Streed with gray and she would make him coffee or camomile tea and she would play chess or pette with him she had a woman’s queer faculty of playing even chess well enough when she was three parts asleep well enough to make her worth beating so in the silent intimacy of the night they sat or she sat and he lay on the bed with the reading lamp shedding its solitary light on them she almost gone in sleep he almost gone in a sort of fear and they played played together then they had a cup of coffee and a biscuit together hardly speaking in the Silence of night but being a reassurance to one another and this night she was wondering who lady chatterly lover was and she was thinking of her own Ted so long dead yet for her never quite dead and when she thought of him the old old grudge against the world rose up but especially against the Masters that they had killed him they had not really killed him yet to her emotionally they had and somewhere deep in herself because of it she was an nihilist and really anarchic in her half sleep thoughts of her Ted and thoughts of lady chat’s unknown lover commingled and then she felt she shared with the other woman a great grudge against sir Clifford and all he stood for at the same time she was playing pickette with him and they were gambling sixpences and it was a source of satisfaction to be playing piette with a baronet and even losing sixpences to him when they played cards they always gambled it made him forget himself and he usually won tonight too he was winning so he would not go to sleep to the first Dawn appeared luckily it began to appear at half 4 or thereabouts Connie was in bed and fast asleep all this time but the keeper too could not rest he had closed the coups and made his round of the wood then gone home and eaten supper but he did not go to bed instead he sat by the fire and thought he thought of his boyhood in Tel and of his five or six years of married life he thought of his wife and always bitterly she had seemed so brutal but he had not seen her now since 1915 in the spring when he joined up yet there she was not three miles away and more brutal than ever he hoped never to see her again while he lived he thought of his life abroad as a soldier India Egypt then India again the blind thoughtless life with the horses the colonel who had loved him and whom he had loved the several years that he had been an officer a leftenant with a very fair chance of being a captain then the death of the colonel from pneumonia and his own narrow escape from Death his damaged Health his deep restlessness his leaving the Army and coming back to England to be a working man again he was temporizing with life he had thought he would be safe at least for a time in this wood there was no shooting as yet he had to rear the pheasants he would have no guns to serve he would be alone and apart from Life which was all he wanted he had to have some sort of a background and this was his native place there was even his mother though she had never meant very much to him and he could go on in life existing from day to day without connection and without hope for he did not know what to do with himself he did not know what to do with himself since he had been an officer for some years and had mixed among the other officers and civil servants with their wife wives and families he had lost all ambition to get on there was a toughness a curious Rubberneck toughness and unliving us about the middle and upper classes as he had known them which just left him feeling cold and different from them so he had come back to his own class to find there what he had forgotten during his absence of years a pettiness and a vulgarity of manner extremely distasteful he admitted now at last how important Mana was he admitted also how important it was even to pretend not to care about the hapens and the small things of life but among the common people there was no pretense a penny more or less on the bacon was worse than a change in the gospel he could not stand it and again there was the wage squabble having lived among the owning classes he knew the utter futility of expecting any solution of the wage squabble there was no solution short of death the only thing was not to care not to care about the wages yet if you were poor and wretched you had to care anyhow it was becoming the only thing they did care about the care about money was like a great cancer eating away the individuals of all classes he refused to care about money and what then what did life offer apart from the care of money nothing yet he could live alone in the one satisfaction of being alone and raise pheasants to be shot ultimately by by fat men after breakfast it was futility futility to the nth power but why care why bother and he had not cared nor bothered till now when this woman had come into his life he was nearly 10 years older than she and he was a thousand years older in experience starting from the bottom the connection between them was growing closer he could see the day when it would clinch up and they would have to make a life together for the bonds of love love are ill to loose and what then what then must he start again with nothing to start on must he entangle this woman must he have the horrible bro with her lame husband and also some sort of horrible bro with his own brutal wife who hated him misery lots of misery and he was no longer young and merely buoyant neither was he the insucient sort every bitterness and every ugliness would hurt him and the woman but even if they got clear of Sir Clifford and of his own wife even if they got clear what were they going to do what was he himself going to do what was he going to do with his life for he must do something he couldn’t be a mere hanger on on her money and his own very small pension it was the insoluble he could only think of going to America to try a new Heir he disbelieved in the dollar utterly but perhaps perhaps there was something else he could not rest nor even go to bed after sitting in a stua of bitter thoughts until midnight he got suddenly from his chair and reached for his coat and gun come on lass he said to the dog we are best outside it was a starry night but moonless he went on a slow scrupulous soft stepping and stealthy round the only thing he had to contend with was the cola setting snares for rabbits particular ularly the stacks gate kers on the me side but it was breeding season and even kers respected it a little nevertheless the stealthy beating of The Round In Search of poachers soothed his nerves and took his mind off his thoughts but when he had done his slow cautious beating of his bounds it was nearly a 5em walk he was tired he went to the top of the null and looked out there was no sound save the noise the faint shuffling noise from Stacks gate cery that never ceased working and there were hardly any lights save the brilliant electric Rose at the works the world lay Darkly and fumy sleeping it was half past 2 but even in its sleep it was an uneasy cruel world stirring with the noise of a train or some great Lorry on the road and flashing with some Rosy lightning Flash from the furnaces it was a world of iron and coal the cruelty of iron and the smoke of coal and the endless endless greed that drove it all only greed greed stirring in its sleep it was cold and he was coughing a fine cold draft blew over the null he thought of the woman now he would have given all he had or ever might have to hold her warm in his arms both of them wrapped in one blanket and sleep all hopes of Eternity and all gain from the past he would have given to have her there to be wrapped warm with him in one blanket and sleep only sleep it seemed the sleep with the woman in his arm was the only necessity he went to the Hut and wrapped himself in the blanket and lay on the floor to sleep but he could not he was cold and besides he felt cruy his own unfinished nature he felt his own unfinished condition of Al loness cruy he wanted her to touch her to hold her fast against him in one moment of completeness and sleep he got up again and went out towards the park Gates this time then slowly along the path path towards the house it was nearly 4:00 still clear and cold but no sign of dawn he was used to the dark he could see well slowly slowly the great house Drew him as a magnet he wanted to be near her it was not desire not that it was the cruel sense of Unfinished aloneness that needed a silent woman folded in his arms perhaps he could find her perhaps he could even call her out to him or find some way into to her for the need was imperious he slowly silently climbed the incline to the hall then he came round the great trees at the top of the null onto the drive which made a grand sweep round a lozenge of grass in front of the entrance he could already see the two magnificent beaches which stood in this big level lozenge in front of the house detaching themselves Darkly in the dark air there was the house low and long and obscure with one light burning downstairs in ord’s room but which room she was in the woman who held the other end of the frail thread which Drew him so mercilessly that he did not know he went a little nearer than in hand and stood motionless on the drive watching the house perhaps even now he could find her come at her in some way the house was not impregnable he was as clever as burglars are why not come to her he stood motionless waiting while the Dawn faintly and imperceptibly paled behind him he saw the light in the house go out but he did not see Mrs Bolton come to the window and draw back the old curtain of dark blue silk and stand herself in the dark room looking out on the half dark of the approaching day looking for the long for Dawn waiting waiting for Clifford to be really reassured that it was Daybreak for when he was sure of Daybreak he would sleep almost at once she stood blind with sleep at the window waiting and as she stood she started and almost cried out for there was a man out there on the drive a black figure in the Twilight she woke up gray and watched but without making a sound to disturb sir Clifford the daylight began to rustle into the world and the dark figure seemed to go smaller and more defined she made out the gun and Gators and baggy jacket it would be Oliver Mela the keeper yes for there was the dog nosing around like a shadow and waiting for him and what did the man want did he want to Rouse the house what was he standing there for transfixed looking up at the house like a lovesick male dog outside the house where the [ __ ] is goodness the knowledge went through Mrs Bolton like a shot he was Lady chatterly’s Lover he he to think of it why she Ivy Bolton had once been a tiny bit in love with him herself when he was a lad of 16 and she woman of 26 it was when she was studying and he had helped her a lot with the anatomy and things she had had to learn he’d been a clever boy had a scholarship for Sheffield grammar school and learned French and things and then after all had become an overhead blacksmith Shing horses because he was fond of horses he said but really because he was frightened to go out and face the world only he’d never admit it but he’d been a nice lad a nice lad had helped her a lot so clever at making things things clear to you he was quite as clever as Sir Clifford and always won for the women more with women than men they said Till he’d gone and married that Bera Cuts as if to spite himself some people do marry to spite themselves because they’re disappointed of something and no wonder it had been a failure for years he was gone all the time of the war and a left tenant and all quite the gentleman really quite the gentleman then to come back to T and go as a gamekeeper really some people can’t take their chances when they’ve got them and talking broad darbishire again like the worst when she Ivy Bolton knew he spoke like any gentleman really well well so her ladyship had fallen for him while her ladyship wasn’t the first there was something about him but fancy a tel lad born and bred and she her ladyship in ragby Hall my word that was a slap back at the high and mighty chates but he the keeper as the day grew had realized it’s no good it’s no good trying to get rid of your own aloneness you’ve got to stick to it all your life only at times at times the Gap will be filled in at times but you have to wait for the Times accept your own aloneness and stick to it all your life and then accept the times when the Gap is filled in when they come but they’ve got to come you can’t force them with a sudden snap the bleeding desire that had drawn him after her broke he had broken it because it must be so there must be a coming together on both sides and if she wasn’t coming to him he wouldn’t track her down he mustn’t he must go away till she came he turned slowly pondering accepting again the isolation he knew it was better so she must come to him it was no use his trailing after her no use Mrs Bolton saw him disappear saw his dog run after him well well she said he’s the one man I never thought of and the one man I might have thought of he was nice to me when he was a lad after I lost Ted well well whatever would he say if he knew and she glanced triumphantly at the already sleeping Clifford as she stepped softly from The Room chapter 11 Connie was sorting out one of the ragby lumber rooms there were several the house was a Warren and the family never sold anything sir jeffy’s father had liked pictures and Sir jeffy’s mother had liked chin quento Furniture Sir Jeffrey himself had liked old carved Oak chests vestri chests so it went on through the generations Clifford collected very modern pictures at very moderate prices so in the lumber room the there were bad sir Edwin laner and pathetic William Henry hunt bird’s nests and other Academy stuff enough to frighten the daughter of an RA she determined to look through it one day and clear it all and the grotesque Furniture interested her wrapped up carefully to preserve it from damage and dry rot was the old family cradle of Rosewood she had to unwrap it to look at it it had a certain charm she looked at it a long time it’s thousand pities it won’t called for sigh Mrs Bolton who was helping though cradles like that are out ofd nowadays it might be called for I might have a child said Connie casually as if saying she might have a new hat you mean if anything happen to Sir Clifford stammered Mrs Bolton no I mean as things are it’s only muscular paralysis with sir Clifford it doesn’t affect him said Connie lying as naturally as breathing Clifford had put the idea into her head he had said of course I may have a child yet I’m not really mutilated at all the potency May easily come back even if the muscles of the hips and legs are paralyzed and then the seed may be transferred he really felt when he had his periods of energy and worked so hard at the question of the minds as if his sexual potency were returning Connie had looked at him in Terror but she was quite Qui quitted enough to use his suggestion for her own preservation for she would have a child if she could but not his Mrs Bolton was for a moment breathless flabbergasted then she didn’t believe it she saw in it a ruse yet doctors could do such things nowadays they might sort of graft seed well my lady I only hope and pray you may it would be lovely for you and for everybody my word a child in ragby what a difference it would make wouldn’t it said Connie and she chose three r a pictures of 60 years ago to send to The Duchess of shortlands for that lady’s next charitable Bazaar she was called the bazaar Duchess and she always asked all the county to send things for her to sell she would be delighted with three framed r as she might even call on the strength of them how Furious Clifford was when she called but oh my dear Mrs Bolton was thinking to herself is it Oliver melk’s child you’re preparing us for oh my dear that would be a teal baby in the ragby Cradle my word wouldn’t shame it neither among the monstrosities in this Lumber room was a largish black Japan box excellently and ingeniously made some 60 or 70 years ago and fitted with every imaginable object on top was a concentrated toilet set brushes bottles mirrors Combs boxes even three beautiful little razors in safety sheets shaving bowl and all underneath came a sort of escr outfit Lots pens ink bottles paper envelopes memorandum books and then a perfect sewing outfit with three different sized scissors Thimbles needles silks and Cottons daring egg all of the very best quality and perfectly finished then there was a little medicine store with bottles labeled Lord in them tincture of myrrh s cloves and so on but empty everything was perfectly new and the whole thing when shut up was as big as a small but fat weakened bag and inside it fitted together like a puzzle the buffles could not possibly have spilled there wasn’t room the thing was wonderfully made and contrived excellent craftsmanship of the Victorian order but somehow it was monstrous some chat must even have felt it for the thing had never been used it had a peculiar soullessness yet Mrs Bolton was thrilled look what beautiful brushes so expensive even the shaving brushes three perfect ones no and those scissors they’re the best that money could buy oh I call it lovely do you said Connie then you have it oh no my lady of course it will only Li here till doomsday if you won’t have it I’ll send it to The Duchess as well as the pictures and she doesn’t deserve so much do have it oh your ladyship why I shall never be able to thank you you needn’t try laughed Connie and Mrs Bolton sailed down with a huge and very black box in her arms flushing bright pink in her excitement Mr Betts drove her in the Trap to her house in the village with the Box and she had to have a few friends in to show it the school mistress the chemist’s wife Mrs weed and the under cashier’s wife they thought it marvelous and then started the whisper of Lady chat’s child wonders will never cease said Mrs Weeden but Mrs Bolton was convinced if it did come it would be sir Clifford’s child so there not long after the Rector said gently to Clifford and may we really hope for an heir to ragby ah that would be the hand of God in Mercy indeed well we may hope said Clifford with a faint irony and at the same time a certain conviction he had begun to believe it really possible it might even be his child then one afternoon came Leslie winter Squire winter as everybody called him lean imaculate and 70 and every inch a gentleman as Mrs Bolton Said to Mrs Betts every millimeter indeed and with his old-fashioned rather whor manner of speaking he seemed more out of date than bag wigs time in her flight drops These Fine old feathers they discussed the ceries Clifford’s idea was that his coal even the poor sort could be made into hard concentrated fuel that would burn at Great heat if fed with certain damp a culated air at a fairly strong pressure it had long been observed that in a particular L strong wet wine the pit Bank burned very Vivid gave off hardly any fumes and left a fine powder of Ash instead of the slow pink gravel but where will you find the proper engines for burning your fuel asked winter I’ll make them myself and I’ll use my fuel myself and I’ll sell electric power I’m certain I could do it if you can do it then splendid Splendid my dear boy [ __ ] splendid if I can be of any help I shall be delighted I’m afraid I am a little out of date and my ceries are like me but who knows when I’m gone there may be men like you Splendid it will employ all the men again and you won’t have to sell your coal or fail to sell it a splendid idea and I hope it will be a success if I had sons of my own no doubt they would have upto-date ideas for Shipley no doubt by the way dear boy is there any foundation to the rumor that we may entertain hopes of an heir to ragby is there a rumor asked Clifford well my dear boy Marshall from filling wood asked me that’s all I can say about a rumor of course I wouldn’t repeat it for the world if there were no Foundation well sir said Clifford uneasily but with strange Bright Eyes there is a hope there is a hope winter came across the room and run Clifford’s hand my dear boy my dear lad can you believe what it means to me to hear that and to hear you are working in the hopes of a son and that you may again employ every man at Tel oh my boy to keep up the level of the race and to have work waiting for any man who cares to work the old man was really moved next day Connie was arranging tall yellow tulips in a glass far Connie said Clifford did you know there was a rumor that you were going to supply ragby with a sun and air Connie felt dim with Terror yet she stood quite still touching the flowers no she said is it a joke or malice he paused before he answered neither I hope I hope it may be a prophecy Connie went on with her flowers I had a letter from father this morning she said he wants to know if I am aware he has accepted Alexander Cooper’s invitation for me for July and August to the Villa Esmeralda in Venice July and August said Clifford oh I wouldn’t stay all that time are you sure you wouldn’t come I won’t travel abroad said Clifford promptly she took her flowers to the window do you mind if I go she said you know it was promised for this summer for how long would you go perhaps 3 weeks there was silence for a time well said Clifford slowly and a little gloomily I suppose I could stand it for 3 weeks if I were absolutely sure you’d want to come back I should want to come back she said with a quiet Simplicity heavy with conviction she was thinking of the other man Clifford felt her conviction and somehow he believed her he believed it was for him he felt immensely relieved joyful at once in in that case he said I think it would be all right don’t you I think so she said youd enjoy the change she looked up at him with strange blue eyes I should like to see Venice again she said and to bathe from one of the shingle Islands across the Lagoon but you know I loathe the Leo and I don’t fancy I shall like sir Alexander Cooper and Lady Cooper but if Hilda is there and we have a gond of our own yes it will be rather lovely I do wish you’d come she said it sincerely she would so love to make him happy in these ways ah but think of me though at the gardun at C Kei but why not I see other men carried in litter chairs who have been wounded in the war besides we’d motor all the way we should need to take two men oh no we’d manage with field there would always be another man there but Clifford shook his head not this year dear not this year next year probably I’ll try she went away gloomily next year what would next year bring she herself did not really want to go to Venice not now now there was the other man but she was going as a sort of discipline and also because if she had a child Clifford could think she had a lover in Venice it was already May and in June they were supposed to start always these Arrangements always one’s life arranged for one wheels that worked one and drove one and over which one had no real control it was May but cold and wet again a cold wet May good for corn and hay much the corn and hay matter nowadays Connie had to go into uwa which was their little town where the chates were still the chates she went alone feing field driving her in spite of May and a new greenness the country was dismal it was rather chilly and there was Smoke on the rain and a certain sense of exhaust vapor in the air one just had to live from one’s resistance no wonder these people were ugly and tough the car Cloud uphill through the long squalled straggle of Tel the blackened brick dwellings the black slate roofs glistening their sharp edges the mud black with cold dust the Pavements wet and black it was as if dismal had soaked through and through everything the utter negation of natural beauty the utter negation of the gladness of Life the utter absence of the Instinct for shapely Beauty which every bird and Beast has the utter death of the human intuitive faculty was appalling the stacks of soap in the grossers shops the rhubarb and lemons in the green grossers the awful hats in the Millers all went by ugly ugly ugly followed by the plaster and guilt horror of the cinema with its wet picture announcements a woman’s love and the new Big primitive Chapel primitive enough in its Stark brick and big Pains of greenish and raspberry glass in the windows the Wesleyan Chapel higher up was of blackened brick and stood behind iron railings and blackened shrubs the congregational Chapel which thought itself Superior was built of rusticated sandstone and had a steeple but not a very high one just beyond with a new school buildings expensive pink brick and graveled playground inside iron railings all very imposing and fixing the suggestion of a chapel and a prison standard five girls were having a singing lesson just finishing the Lai do la exercises and beginning a sweet children’s song anything more unlike song Spontaneous Song would be impossible to imagine a strange boiling yell that followed the outlines of a tune it was not like savages savages have subtle rhythms it was not like animals animals mean something when they yell it was like nothing on Earth and it was called singing Connie sat and listened with her heart in her boots as field was filling petrol what could possibly become of such a people a people in Whom The Living intuitive faculty was dead as nails and only queer mechanical yells and uncanny will power remained a cold cart was coming downhill clanking in the rain Fields started upwards past the big but weary looking Drapers and clothing sh shs the post office into the little Marketplace of foror space where Sam black was peering out of the door of the Sun that called itself an in not a pub and where the commercial Travelers stayed and was bowing to Lady chat’s car the church was a way to the left among black trees the car slid on downhill past the miner’s arms it had already passed the Wellington the Nelson the three tons and the sun narrow it past the miner arms then the mechanics Hall then the new and almost gudy miners welfare and so passed a few new Villas out into the blackened Road between dark Hedges and dark green fields towards Stacks gate Tel that was Tel marry England Shakespeare’s England no but the England of today as Connie had realized since you had come to live in it it was producing a new race of mankind overc conscious in the money and social and political side on the spontaneous intuitive side dead but dead half corpses all of them but with a terrible insistent Consciousness in the other half there was something uncanny and underground about it all it was an underworld and quite incalculable how shall we understand the reactions in half corpses when Connie saw the great lores full of steel workers from Sheffield weird distorted smallish beings like men offer an Excursion to Matlock her bowels fainted and she thought ah God what has man done to man what have the leaders of men been doing to their fellow men they have reduced them to less than humanness and now there can be no Fellowship anymore it is just a nightmare she felt again in a wave of Terror the gray gritty hopelessness of it all with such creatures for the industrial masses and the upper classes as she knew them there was no hope no hope anymore yet she was wanting a baby and an heir to ragby an heir to rag be she shuddered with Dread yet meles had come out of all this yes but he was as apart from it all as she was even in him there was no Fellowship left it was dead the fellowship was dead there was only a parness and hopelessness as far as all this was concerned and this was England the vast bulk of England as Connie knew since she had motored from the center of it the car was Rising towards Stacks gate the rain was holding off and in the air came a queer pcid gleam of May the country rolled away in Long undulations South towards the peak East towards Mansfield and Nottingham Connie was traveling south as she Rose onto the High Country she could see on her left on a height above the Rolling Land the shadowy powerful bulk of wasup Castle dark gray with below it the reddish Plastering of miners dwellings newish and Below those the plumes of dark smoke and white Steam from the great cery which put so many thousands per Anam into the pockets of the Duke and the other shareholders the powerful old castle was a ruin yet it hung its bulk on the low sky line over the black plumes and the white that waved on The Damp air below a turn and they ran on the high level to Stacks gate Stacks gate as seen from the high road was just a huge and gorgeous new hotel the cunnings be arms standing red and white and guilt in barbarous isolation off the road but if you looked you saw on the left rows of handsome modern dwellings set down like a game of dominoes with spaces and Gardens a queer game of dominoes that some weird Masters were playing on the surprised Earth and Beyond these blocks of dwellings at the back rose all the astonishing and frightening overhead erections of a really modern mine Chemical Works and long galleries enormous and of shapes not before known to man the headstock and pit Bank of the mine itself were insignificant among the huge new installations and in front of this the game of domino stood forever in a sort of surprise waiting to be played this was Stack’s gate new on the face of the Earth since the war but as a matter of fact though even Connie did not know it downhill half a mile below the hotel was old Stacks gate with a little old cery and blackish Old Brick dwellings and a chapel or two and a shop or two and a little Pub or two but that didn’t count anymore the vast plumes of smoke and Vapor Rose from the new works up above and this was now Stacks gate no chapels no pubs even no shops only the great works which are the modern Olympia with temples to all the gods then the model dwellings then the hotel the hotel in actuality was nothing but a minor Pub though it looked first classy even since Connie’s arrival at ragby this new place had Arisen on the face of the earth and the model dwellings had filled with riffraff drift liting in from anywhere to poach Clifford’s rabbits among other occupations the car ran on along the Uplands seeing the rolling County spread out the county it had once been a proud and lordly county in front looming again and hanging on the brow of the skyline was the huge and Splendid bulk of Chadwick Hall more window than wall one of the most famous Elizabethan houses noblet stood alone above a great Park but out of date passed over it was still kept up but as a show place look how our ancestors lorded it that was the past the present lay below God Alone knows where the future lies the car was already turning between little old black and miners Cottages to descend to UWE and UWE on a damp day was sending up a whole array of smoke plumes and steam to whatever Gods there be booth we down in the valley with all the steel threads of the Railway to Sheffield drawn through it and the coal mines and the steel Works sending up smoke and glare from long tubes and the pathetic little Corkscrew Spire of the church that is going to Tumble Down Still pricking the fumes always affected Connie strangely it was an Old Market Town Center of The Dales one of the chiefin was the chatterly arms there in UWE ragby was known as ragby as if it were a whole place not just a house as it was to Outsiders ragby Hall near Tel ragby a seat the miners Cottages blackened stood flush on the pavement with that intimacy and smallness of Kia’s dwellings over a 100 years old they lined all the way the road had become a street and as you sank you forgot instantly the open rolling country where the castles and big houses still dominated but like ghosts now you were just above the tangle of naked railway lines and foundaries and other works Rose about you so big you were only aware of walls and iron clanked with a huge reverberating Clank and huge lorries shook the Earth and whistles screamed yet again once you had got right down and into the twisted and crooked heart of the Town behind the church you were in the world of two centuries ago in the Crooked streets where the chatterly arms stood and the old Pharmacy streets which used to lead out to the Wild open world of the castles and stakely cushon houses but at the corner of policeman held up his hand as three lores loaded with iron rolled past shaking the poor old church and not till the lores were passed could he salute her ladyship so it was upon the old crooked burges streets hordes of oldish blackened miners dwellings crowded lining the roads out and immediately after these came the newer Pinker rows of rather larger houses Plastering the valley the homes of more modern workmen and beyond that again in the wide rolling regions of the castles smoke waved against Steam and Patch after patch of raw reddish bricks showed the newer mining settlements sometimes in the hollows sometimes gruesomely ugly along the skyline of the slopes and between in between were the tattered remnant of the old coaching and cottage England even the England of Robin Hood where the miners prowled with the Dismal of suppressed sporting instincts when they were not at work England my England but which is my England the stately homes of England make good photographs and create the illusion of a connection with the elizabethans the handsome old Halls are there from the days of good Queen Anne and Tom Jones but smuts fall and Blacken on the drab stucco that has long ceased to be golden and one by one like the stately homes they were abandoned now they are being pulled down as for the cottages of England there they are great plasings of brick dwellings on the Hopeless Countryside now they are pulling down the stately homes the Georgian Halls are going frle a perfect old Georgian Mansion was even now as Connie passed in the car being demolished it was in perfect repair till the war the weatherley had lived in style there but now it was too big too expensive and the country had become too uncongenial the Gentry were departing to pleasanter places where they could spend their money without having to see how it was made this is is history one England blots out another the mines had made the Halls wealthy now they were blotting them out as they had already blotted out the Cottages the industrial England blots out the agricultural England one meaning blots out another the New England blots out the old England and the continuity is not organic but mechanical Connie belonging to the leisured classes had clung to the remnants of the old England it had taken her years to realize that it was really blotted out by this terrifying new and gruesome England and that the blotting out would go on till it was complete Fridley was gone Eastwood was gone Shipley was going Squire Winter’s beloved Shipley Connie called for a moment at Shipley the park gates at the back opened just near the level crossing of the cery Railway the Shipley Cy itself stood just beyond the trees the gates stood open because through the park was the right of way that the Colliers used they hung around the park the car passed the ornamental ponds in which the cers threw their newspapers and took the private drive to the house it stood above aside a very pleasant stucco building from the middle of the 18th century it had a beautiful alley of you trees that had approached an older house and the hall stood serenely spread out winking its georan pains as if cheerfully behind there were really beautiful gardens Connie liked the interior much better than ragby it was much lighter More Alive shapen and elegant the rooms were paneled with creamy painted paneling the ceilings were touched with guilt and everything was kept in Exquisite order all the appointments were perfect regardless of expense even the corridors managed to be ample and lovely softly curved and full of life but Leslie winter was alone he had adored his house but his Mark was bordered by three of his own ceries he had been a generous man in his ideas he had almost welcomed the Colliers in his Park had the miners not made him Rich so when he saw the gangs of unshapely men lounging by his ornamental Waters not in the private part of the park no he drew the line there he would say the miners are perhaps not so ornamental as deer but they are far more profitable but that was in the golden monety latter half of Queen Victoria’s rain miners were then goodw working men winter had made this speech half apologetic to his guest the then Prince of Wales and the prince had replied in his rather guttural English you are quite right if there were coal un Sandringham I would open a mine on The Lawns and think it First Rate landscape gardening oh I am quite willing to exchange Rod deer for cers at the price your men are good men too I hear but then the prince had perhaps an exaggerated idea of the beauty of money and the blessings of industrialism however the prince had been a king and the King had died and now there was another king whose Chief function seemed to be to open soup kitchens and the good working men Were Somehow Heming shiply in new mining Villages crowded on the park and The Squire felt somehow that the population was alien he used to feel in a good natured but quite Grand way Lord of his own domain and of his own cers Now by a subtle pervasion of the new spirit he had somehow been pushed out it was he who did not belong anymore there was no mistaking it the mines the industry had a will of its own and this will was against the gentleman owner all the cers took part in the will and it was hard to live up against it it either shoved you out of the place or out of life altogether Squire winter a soldier had stood it out but he no longer cared to walk in the park after dinner he almost hid indoors once he had walked bareheaded and in his patent leather shoes and purple silk socks with Connie down to the gate talking to her in his well-bred rather whor fashion but when it came to passing the little gangs of Colliers who stood and stared without either salute or anything else Connie felt how the lean well-bred old man winced winced as an elegant Antelope stag in a cage wines from the vulgar stair the Colliers were not personally hostile not at all but their Spirit was cold and shoving him out and deep down there was a profound Grudge they worked for him and in their ugliness they resented his elegant well-groomed well-bred existence who’s he it was the difference they resented and somewhere in his secret English heart being a good deal of a soldier he believed that were right to resent the difference he felt himself a little in the wrong for having all the advantages nevertheless he represented a system and he would not be shoved out except by death which came on him soon after Connie’s call suddenly and he remembered Clifford handsomely in his will The Heirs at once gave out the order for the demolishing of Shipley it cost too much to keep up no one would live there so it was broken up the the Avenue of use was cut down the park was denuded of its Timber and divided into Lots it was near enough to UWE in the strange walled desert of this still one more No Man’s Land new little streets of semi detached were run up very desirable the Shipley Hall estate within a year of Connie’s last call it had happened there stood Shipley Hall estate an array of red brick semi- detached Villas in new streets no one would would have dreamed that the stucco Hall had stood there 12 months before but this is a later stage of King Edward’s landscape gardening the swort that has an ornamental Coal Mine on the lawn one England blots out another the England of The Squire Winters and the ragby Halls was gone dead the blotting out was only not yet complete what would come after Connie could not imagine she could only see the new brick streets spreading into the fields the new ere rising at the ceries the new girls in their Silk Stockings the new Coler Lads lounging into the Pali or the welfare the younger generation were utterly unconscious of the old England there was a gap in the continuity of Consciousness almost American but industrial really what next Connie always felt there was no next she wanted to hide her head in the sand or at least in the bosom of a living man the world was so complicated and weird and gruesome the common people were so many and really so terrible so she thought as she was going home and saw the Colliers trailing from the pits gray black distorted one shoulder higher than the other slurring their heavy iron shot boots underground gray faces whites of eyes rolling necks cringing from the pit roof shoulders out of shape men men alas in some ways patient and good men in other ways non-existent something that men should have was bred and killed out of them yet they were men they begot children one might bear a child to them terrible terrible thought they were good and kindly but they were only half only the gray half of a human being as yet they were good but even that was the goodness of their halfes supposing the dead in them ever rose up but no it was too terrible to think of Connie was absolutely afraid of the industrial masses they seemed so weird to her a life with utterly no Beauty in it no intuition always in the pit children from such men oh God oh God yet melas had come from such a father not quite 40 years had made a difference an appalling difference in manhood the iron and the coal had eaten deep into the bodies and Souls of the men incarnate and yet alive what would become of them all perhaps with the passing of the coal they would disappear again off the face of the Earth they had appeared out of nowhere in their thousands when the coal had called for them perhaps they were only weird forer of the coal seams creatures of another reality they were Elementals serving the elements of coal as the metal workers were Elementals serving the element of Iron Men not men but animus of coal and iron and clay for of the elements carbon iron silicon Elementals they had perhaps some of the weird in human beauty of minerals the luster of coal the weight and bless and resistance of iron the transparency of glass Elemental creatures weird and distorted of the mineral World they belong to the coal the iron the clay as fish belong to the Sea and worms to Deadwood the anima of mineral disintegration Connie was glad to be home to bury her head in the sand she was glad even to babble to Clifford for her fear of the mining and iron Midlands affected her with a queer feeling that went all over her like influenza of course I had to have tea in Miss Bentley’s shop she said really winter would have given you tea oh yes but I D disappoint Miss Bentley Miss Bentley was a shallow Old Maid with a rather large nose and romantic dis physician who served tea with a careful intensity worthy of a Sacrament did she ask after me said Clifford of course may I ask your ladyship how sir Clifford is I believe she ranks you even higher than nurse Cavell and I suppose you said I was blooming yes and she looked as wrapped as if I had said the heavens had opened to you I said if she ever came to Tel she was to come to see you me whatever for for see me why yes Clifford you can’t be so adored without making some slight return St George of capid doia was nothing to you in her eyes and you think she’ll come oh she blushed and looked quite beautiful for a moment poor thing why don’t men marry the women who would really adore them the women start adoring too late but did she say she’d come oh Connie imitated ated the breathless Miss Bentley your ladyship If Ever I should dare to presume dare to presume how absurd but I hope to God she won’t turn up and how was her tea oh lipon and very strong but Clifford do you realize you are the Roman delar Rose of Miss Bentley and lots like her I’m not flattered even then they treasure up every one of your pictures in The Illustrated papers and probably pray for you every night it’s rather wonderful she went upstairs to change that evening he said to her you do think don’t you that there is something Eternal in marriage she looked at him but Clifford you make eternity sound like a lid or a long long chain that trailed after one no matter how far one went he looked at her annoyed what I mean he said is that if you go to Venice you won’t go in the hopes of some love affair that you can and take o grand will you a love affair in Venice o grand no I assure you no I’d never take a love affair in Venice more than o Petty seure she spoke with a queer kind of contempt he knitted his brows looking at her coming downstairs in the morning she found the Keeper’s dog flossy sitting in the corridor outside Clifford’s room and whimpering very faintly why flossy she said softly what are you doing here and she quietly opened Clifford’s door Clifford was sitting up in bed with the bed table and typewriter pushed aside and the keeper was standing at attention at the foot of the bed flossy ran in with a faint gesture of head and eyes melis ordered her to the door again and she slunk out oh good morning Clifford Connie said I didn’t know you were busy then she looked at the keeper saying good morning to him he murmured his reply looking at her as if fadely but she felt a whiff of passion touch her from his mere presence did I interrupt you Clifford I’m sorry no it’s nothing of any importance she slipped out of the room again and up to the blue budoir on the first floor she sat in the window and saw him go down the drive with his curious silent motion effaced he had a natural sort of quiet distinction an aloof pride and also a certain look of Frailty a Hing one of Clifford’s hings the fault dear Brutus is not in our stars but in ourselves that we are underlings was he an underling was he what did he think of her it was a sunny day and Connie was working in the garden and Mrs Bolton was helping her for some reason the two women had drawn together in one of the unaccountable FL and Es of sympathy that exist between people they were pegging down carnations and putting in small plants for the summer it was work they both liked Connie especially felt a delight in putting the soft roots of young plants into a soft black puddle and cradling them down on this spring morning she felt a quiver in her womb too as if the sunshine had touched it and made it happy it is many years since you lost your husband she said to Mrs Bolton as she took up another another little plant and laid it in its hole 23 said Mrs Bolton as she carefully separated the young colines into single plants 23 years since they brought him home Connie’s heart gave a Lurch at the terrible finality of it brought him home why did he get killed do you think she asked he was happy with you it was a woman’s question to a woman Mrs Bolton put aside a strand of hair from her face with the back of her hand I don’t know my lady he sort of wouldn’t give into things he wouldn’t really go with the rest and then he hated ducking his head for anything on earth a sort of obstinacy that gets itself killed you see he didn’t really care I lay it down to the pit he ought never to have been down pit but his dad made him go down as a lad and then when you’re over 20 it’s not very easy to come out did he say he hated it oh no never he never said he hated anything he just made a funny face he was one of those who wouldn’t take care like some of the first Lads as went off so B to the war and got killed right away he wasn’t really wleb brained but he wouldn’t care I used to say to him you care for not nor nobody but he did the way he sat when my first baby was born Motionless and the sort of fatal eyes he looked at me with when it was over I had a bad time but I had to comfort him it’s all right lad it’s all right I said to him and he gave me a look and that funny sort of smile he never said anything but I don’t believe he had any right pleasure with me at nights after he’d never really let himself go I used to say to him oh let thyon go lad i’ talk broad to him sometimes and he said nothing but he wouldn’t let himself go or he couldn’t he didn’t want me to have any more children I always blamed his mother for letting him in th room he’d no right to have been there men make so much more of things than they should once they start brooding did he mind so much said Connie in Wonder yes he sort of couldn’t take it for natural all that pain and it spoiled his pleasure in his bit of married love I said to him if I don’t care why should you it’s my Lookout but all he’d ever say was it’s not right perhaps he was too sensitive said Connie that’s it when you come to know men that’s how they are too sensitive in the wrong place and I believe underknown to himself he hated the pit just hated it he looked so quiet when he was dead as if he’d got free he was such a nicelooking lad just broke my heart to see him so still and pure looking as if he’d wanted to die oh it broke my heart that did but it was the pit she wept a few bitter tears and Connie wept more it was a warm spring day with a perfume of Earth and of yellow flowers many things rising to Bud and the garden still with the very sap of sunshine it must have been terrible for you said Connie oh my lady I never real realized at first I could only say oh my lad what did you want to leave me for that was all my cry but somehow I felt he’d come back but he didn’t want to leave you said Connie oh no my lady that was only my silly cry and I kept expecting him back especially at nights I kept waking up thinking why he’s not in bed with me it was as if my feelings wouldn’t believe he’d gone I just felt felt he’d have to come back and lie against me so I could feel him with me that was all I wanted to feel him there with me warm and it took me a thousand shocks before I knew he wouldn’t come back it took me years the touch of him said Connie that’s it my lady the touch of him I’ve never got over it to this day and never shall and if there’s a heaven above he’ll be there and will lie up against me so I can sleep Connie glanced at the handsome brooding face in fear another passionate one out of Tel the touch of him for the bonds of Love are ill to loose it’s terrible once you’ve got a man into your blood she said oh my lady and that’s what makes you feel so bitter you feel folks wanted him killed you feel the pit Fair wanted to kill him oh I felt if it hadn’t been for the pit and them as runs the pit there’ have been no leaving me but but they all want to separate a woman and a man if they’re together if they’re physically together said Connie that’s right my lady there’s a lot of hard-hearted folks in the world and every morning when he got up and went to th pit I felt it was wrong wrong but what else could he do what can a man do a queer hate flared in the woman but can a touch last so long Connie asked suddenly that you could feel him so long oh my lady what else is there to last children grows away from you but the man well but even that they’d like to kill in you the very thought of the touch of him even your own children oh well we might have drifted apart who knows but the feeling’s something different it’s aen better never to care but there when I look at women who’s never really been warmed through by a man well they seem to me poor D Love after all no matter how they may dress up and Gad no I’ll abide by my own I’ve not much respect for people chapter 12 Connie went to the wood directly after lunch it was really a lovely day the first dandelion making Suns the first daisies so white the Hazel Thicket was a lace work of half open leaves and the last Dusty perpendicular of the catkins yellow celendin now were in crowds flat open pressed back in urgency and the yellow glitter of themselves it was the yellow the powerful yellow of early summer and Prim roses were Broad and full of pale abandon thick clustered Prim roses no longer shy the Lush dark green of hins was a sea with buds Rising like pale corn while in the writing the forget me nuts were fluffing up and colines were unfolding their ink purple rushes and there were bits of blue birds eggshell under a bush everywhere the bud knots and the leap of Life The Keeper was not at the hut everything was Serene Brown chickens running lustily Connie walked on towards the cottage because she wanted to find him the cottage stood in the sun off the Woods Edge in the little garden the double daffodils Rose in Tufts near the Wide Open Door and red double daisies made a border to the path there was the bark of a dog and flossy came running the wide open door so he was at home and the sunlight falling on the red brick floor as she went up the path she saw him through the window sitting at the table in his shirt sleeves eating the dog wed softly slowly wagging her tail he rose and came to the door wiping his mouth with a red handkerchief still chewing may I come in she said come in the sun Shone into the bear room which still smelled of a mutton chop done in a dutch oven before the fire because the Dutch oven still stood on the fender with the black potato saucepan on a piece of paper besided on the white Hearth the fire was red rather low the bar dropped the kattle singing on the table was his plate with potatoes and the remains of the chop also bread in a basket salt and a blue mug with beer the tablecloth was white oil cloth he stood in the shade you are very late she said you go on eating she sat down on a wooden chair in the sunlight by the door I had to go to uwa he said sitting down at the table but not eating do eat she said but he did not touch the food shall why have something he asked her shall why have a cup of tea tea kettles on tea boil he half rose again from his chair if you’ll let me make it myself she said Rising he seemed sad and she felt she was bothering him well teapots in there he pointed to a little drab Corner cupboard and cups and te’s on tea manle oh year a she got the black teapot and the tin of tea from the mantle shelf she rinsed the teapot with hot water and stood a moment wondering where to empty it throw it out he said aware of her it’s clean she went to the door and threw the drop of water down the path how lovely it was here so still so really Woodland The Oaks were putting out Oak yellow leaves in the garden the red daisies were like red plush buttons she glanced at the Big Hollow Sandstone slab of the threshold now crossed by so few feet but it’s lovely here she said such a beautiful Stillness everything alive and still he was eating again rather slowly and unwillingly and she could feel he was discouraged she made the tea in silence and set the teapot on the hob as she knew the people did he pushed his plate aside and went to the back place she heard a latch click then he came back with cheese on a plate and butter she set the two cups on the table there were only two will you have a cup of tea she said if you like Sugar’s in th cupboard and there’s a little cream jug milks in a jug in th Pantry shall I take your plate away she asked him he looked up at her with a faint ironical smile why if you like he said slowly eating bread and cheese she went to the back into the penthouse skullery where the pump was on the left was a door no doubt the pantry door she unlatched it and almost smiled at the place he called a pantry a long narrow whitewashed slip of a cupboard but it managed to contain a little barrel of beer as well as a few dishes and bits of food she took a little milk from from the yellow jug how do you get your milk she asked him when she came back to the table Flint they leave me a bottle at the Warren end you know where I met you but he was discouraged she poured out the tea poising the cream jug no milk he said then he seemed to hear a noise and looked keenly through the doorway aen we’d better shut he said it seems a Pity she replied nobody will come will they not unless it’s one time in a thousand but you never know and even then it’s no matter she said it’s only a cup of tea where are the spoons he reached over and pulled open the table drawer Connie sat at the table in the sunshine of the doorway flossy he said to the dog who was lying on a little mat at the stairfoot go and hark hark he lifted his finger and his hark was very Vivid the dog trotted out to Recon her are you sad today she asked him he turned his blue eyes quickly and gazed Direct on her sad no Ward I had to go getting summonses for two poachers I caught and oh well I don’t like people he spoke cold good English and there was anger in his voice do you hate being a gamekeeper she asked being a gamekeeper no so long as I’m left alone but when I have to go messing around at the police station and various other places and waiting for a lot of fools to attend to me oh well I get mad and he smiled with a certain faint humor couldn’t you be really independent she asked me I suppose I could if you mean manag to exist on my pension I could but I’ve got to work or I should die that is I’ve got to have something that keeps me occupied and I’m not in a good enough temper to work for myself it’s got to be a sort of job for somebody else or I should throw it up in a month out of bad temper so altogether I’m very well off here especially lately he laughed at her again with mocking humor but why you in a bad temper she asked do you mean you are always in a bad temper pretty well he said laughing I don’t quite digest my bile but what bile she said B he said don’t you know what that is she was silent and disappointed he was taking no notice of her I’m going away for a while next month she said you are where to Venice with sir Clifford for how long for a month or so she replied Clifford won’t go he’ll stay here he asked yes he hates to travel as he is a poor devil he said with sympathy there was a pause you won’t forget me when I’m gone Will you she asked again he lifted his eyes and looked full at her forget he said you know nobody forgets it’s not a question of memory she wanted to say when then but she didn’t instead she said in a mute kind of voice I told Clifford I might have a child now he really looked at her intense and searching you did he said at last and what did he say oh he wouldn’t mind he’d be glad really so long as it seemed to be his she dared not look up at him he was silent a long time then he gazed again on her face no mention of me of course he said no no mention of you she said no he’d hardly swallow me as a substitute breeder then where are you supposed to be getting the child I might have a love affair in Venice she said you might he replied slowly so that’s why you’re going not to have the love affair she said looking up at him pleading just the appearance of one he said there was silence he sat staring out the window with a faint grin half mockery half bitterness on his face she hated his grin you’ve not taken any precautions against having a child then he asked her suddenly because I haven’t no she said faintly I should hate that he looked at her then again with a peculiar subtle grin out of the window there was a tense s silence at last he turned his head and said satirically that was why you wanted me then to get a child she hung her head no not really she said what then really he asked rather bitingly she looked up at him reproachfully saying I don’t know he broke into a laugh then I’m damned if I do he said there was a long pause of Silence a cold silence well he said at last it’s as your ladyship likes if you get the baby sir Clifford’s welcome to it I sh have lost anything on the contrary I’ve had a very nice experience very nice indeed exclamation mark and he stretched in a half-suppressed sort of yawn if you’ve made use of me he said it’s not the first time I’ve been made use of and I don’t suppose it’s ever been as pleasant as this time though of course one can’t feel tremendous ly dignified about it do he stretched again curiously his muscles quivering and his jaw oddly set but I didn’t make use of you she said pleading at your ladyship’s service he replied no she said I liked your body did you he replied and he laughed well then we’re quits because I liked yours he looked at her with queer darkened eyes would you like to go upstairs now he asked her in a strangled sort of voice no not here not now she said heavily though if he had used any power over her she would have gone for she had no strength against him he turned his face away again and seemed to forget her I want to touch you like you touch me she said I’ve never really touched your body he looked at her and smiled again now he said no no not here at the hut would you mind how do I touch you he asked when you feel me he looked at her and met her heavy anxious eyes and do you like it when I feel you he asked laughing at her still yes do you she said oh me then he changed his tone yes he said you know without without asking which was true she Rose and picked up her hat I must go she said will you go he replied politely she wanted him to touch her to say something to her but he said nothing only waited politely thank you for the tea she said I haven’t thanked your ladyship for doing me the honors of my tea pot he said she went down the path and he stood in the doorway faintly grinning flossy came running with her tail lifted and Connie had to pled dumbly across into the wood knowing he was standing there watching her with that incomprehensible grin on his face she walked home very much downcast and annoyed she didn’t at all like his saying he had been made use of because in a sense it was true but he oughtn’t to have said it therefore again she was divided between two feelings resentment against him and a desire to make it up with him she passed a very uneasy and irritated tea time and at once went up to her room but when she was there it was no good she could neither sit nor stand she would have to do something about it she would have to go back to the Hut if he was not there well and good she slipped out of the side door and took her way direct and a little Sullen when she came to the clearing she was terribly uneasy but there he was again in his shirt sleeves stooping letting the hens out of the coups among the chicks that were now growing a little Gorky but were much more trim than hen chickens she went straight across to him you see I’ve come she said a I see it he said straightening his back and looking at her with a faint Amusement do you let the hens out now she asked yes they’ve set themselves to skin and bone he said and now they’re not all that anxious to come out and feed there’s no self in a sitting hen she’s all in the eggs or the chicks the poor mother hens such blind devotion even to eggs not their own Connie looked at them in compassion a helpless silence fell between the man and the woman shall us go iart he asked do you want me she asked in a sort of mistrust a if you want to come she was silent come then he said and she went with him to the Hut it was quite dark when he had shut the door so he made a small light in the lantern as before have you left your under things off he asked her yes a well then I’ll take my things off too he spread the blankets putting one at the side for a covet she took off her hat and shook her hair he sat down taking off his shoes and Gators and undoing his his cord breaches lie down then he said when he stood in his shirt she obeyed in silence and he lay beside her and pulled the blanket over them both there he said and he lifted her dress right back till he came even to her breasts he kissed them softly taking the nipples in his lips in tiny caresses a but thought nice thought nice he said suddenly rubbing his face with a snuggling movement against her warm belly and she put her arms round him under his shirt but she was afraid afraid of his thin smooth naked body that seemed so powerful afraid of the violent muscles she shrank afraid and when he said with a sort of little sigh a thought nice something in her quivered and something in her spirit stiffened in resistance stiffened from the terribly physical intimacy and from The Peculiar haste of his possession and this time the sharp Ecstasy of her own passion did not overcome her she lay with her ends inert on his striving body and do what she might her spirit seemed to look on from the top of her head and the butting of his haunches seemed ridiculous to her and the sort of anxiety of his penis to come to its little evacuating crisis seemed faral yes this was love this ridiculous bouncing of the buttocks and the wilting of the poor insignificant moist little penis this was the Divine love after after all the moderns were right when they felt contempt for the performance for it was a performance it was quite true as some poets said that the God who created man must have had a Sinister sense of humor creating him a reasonable being yet forcing him to take this ridiculous posture and driving him with blind craving for this ridiculous performance even a mopas Sant founded a humiliating anticlimax men despised the Intercourse act and yet did it cold and derisive her queer female mind stood apart and though she lay perfectly still her impulse was to heave her loins and throw the man out Escape his ugly grip and the butting overriding of his absurd haunches his body was a foolish impudent imperfect thing a little disgusting in its unfinished clumsiness for surely a complete Evolution would eliminate this performance this function and yet when he had finished soon over and lay very very still receding into silence and a strange motionless distance far farther than the Horizon of her awareness her heart began to weep she could feel him ebbing away ebbing away leaving her there like a stone on a Shore he was withdrawing his Spirit was leaving her he knew and in real grief tormented by her own double Consciousness and reaction she began to weep he took no notice or did not even know the storm of weeping swelled and shook her and shook him a he said it was no good that time you wasn’t there dot so he knew her sobs became violent but what’s a Miss he said it’s once in a while that way I I can’t love you she sobbed suddenly feeling her heart breaking Cana terce well DNA fret there’s no law says as th got to tie it for what it is he still lay with his hand on her breast but she had drawn both her hands from him his words were small Comfort she sobbed aloud nay nay he said tie the thick with th thin this wor a bitter thin for once she wept bitterly sobbing but I want to love you and I can’t it only seems horrid he laughed a little half bitter half amused it isn’t a horrid he said even if th thinks it is and th Cana may it horrid DNA fret thy about loving me felt nether Force thy to tea there’s sure to be a bad nut in a basketful thante th rough with th smooth he took his hand away from her breast not touching her and now she was untouched she took an almost perverse satisfaction in it she hated the dialect the the and the th and the thyon he could get up if he liked and stand there above her buttoning down those absurd cordoy breaches straight in front of her after all michis had had the decency to turn away this man was so assured in himself he didn’t know what a clown other people found him a half-bred fellow yet as he was drawing away to rise silently and leave her she clung to him in Terror don’t don’t go don’t leave me don’t be cross with Me Hold Me Hold Me fast she whispered in blind frenzy not even knowing what she said and clinging to him with uncanny force it was from herself she wanted to be saved from her own inward anger and resistance yet how powerful was that inward resistance that possessed her he took her in his arms again and Drew her to him and suddenly she became small in his arms small and nestling it was gone the resistance was gone and she began to melt in a marvelous peace and as she melted small and wonderful in his arms she became infinitely desirable to him all his blood vessels seemed to sco with intense yet tender desire for her for her softness for the penetrating beauty of her in his arms passing into his blood and softly with that marvelous Swoon like caress of his hand in pure soft desire softly he stroked the silky slope of her loins down down between her soft warm buttocks coming nearer and nearer to the very quick of her and she felt him like a flame of Desire yet tender and she felt herself melting in the flame she let herself go she felt his penis risen against her with silent amazing force and assertion and she let herself go to him she yielded with a quiver that was like death she went all open to him and oh if he were not tender to her now how cruel for she was all open to him and helpless she quivered again at the potent inexurable entry inside her so strange and terrible it might come with the thrust of a sword in her softly opened body and that would be death she clung in a sudden anguish of Terror but it came with a strange slow thrust of Peace the dark thrust of peace and a ponderous primordial tenderness such as made the world in the beginning and her Terror subsided in her breast her breast dared to be gone in peace she held nothing she dared to let go everything all herself and be gone in the flood and it seemed she was like the sea nothing but dark waves rising and heaving heaving with a great swirl so that slowly her whole Darkness was in motion and she was ocean rolling its dark dumb Mass oh and far down inside her the deeps parted and rolled asunder in Long Fair traveling Billows and ever at the quick of her the depths parted and rolled asunder from the center of soft plunging as the plunger went deeper and deeper touching lower and she was deeper and deeper and deeper disclosed the heavier the Billows of her rolled away to some Shore uncovering her and closer and closer plunged the palpable unknown and further and further rolled the waves of herself away from herself leaving her till suddenly in a soft shuddering convulsion the quick of all her plasm was touched she knew herself touched the consummation was upon her and she was gone she was gone she was not and she was born a woman ah too lovely too lovely in the ebbing she realized all the loveliness now all her body clung with tender love to the unknown man and blindly to the wilting penis as it so tenderly frailly unknowingly withdrew after the fierce thrust of its potency as it drew out and left her body the secret sensitive thing she gave an unconscious Cry of pure loss and she tried to put it back it had been so perfect and she loved it so and only now she became aware of the small budlike reticence and tenderness of the penis and a little cry of Wonder and poignancy escaped her again her woman’s heart crying out over the tender Frailty of that which had been the power it was so lovely she moaned it was so lovely but he said nothing only softly kissed her lying still above her and she moaned with a sort of bliss as a sacrifice and a newborn thing and now in her heart the queer Wonder of him was awakened a man the strange potency of man manhood upon her her hands strayed over him still a little afraid afraid of that strange hostile slightly repulsive thing that he had been to her a man and now she touched him and it was the sons of God with the daughters of men how beautiful he felt how pure in tissue how lovely how lovely strong and yet pure and delicate such Stillness of the sensitive body such utter Stillness of potency and delicate flesh how beautiful how beautiful her hands came timorously down his back to the soft smallish Globes of the buttocks Beauty what beauty a sudden little flame of new awareness went through her how was it possible this beauty here where she had previously only been repelled the Unspeakable Beauty to the touch of the warm living buttocks the life within life the sheer War potent loveliness and the strange weight of the bull between his legs what a mystery what a strange heavy weight of mystery that could lie soft and heavy in one’s hand The Roots root of all that is lovely the Primeval root of all full Beauty she clung to him with a hiss of wonder that was almost awe Terror he held her close but he said nothing he would never say anything she crept nearer to him nearer only to be near to the sensual Wonder of him and out of his at incomprehensible Stillness she felt again the slow momentous surging rise of the phus again the other power and her heart melted out with a kind of awe and this time his being within her was all soft and iridescent purely soft and iridescent such as no consciousness could seize her whole self quivered unconscious and Alive like plasm she could not know what it was she could not remember what it had been only that it had been more lovely than anything ever could be only that and afterwards she was utterly still utterly unknowing she was not aware for how long and he was still with her in an unfathomable silence along with her and of this they would never speak when awareness of the outside began to come back she clung to his breast murmuring my love my love and he held her silently and she curled on his breast perfect but his silence was fathomless His Hands Held her like flowers so still Aid strange where are you she whispered to him where are you speak to me say something to me he kissed her softly murmuring a my lass but she did not know what he meant she did not know where he was in his silence he seemed lost to her you love me don’t you she murmured a th knows he said but tell me she pleaded a a hasn’t her felt it he said dimly but softly and surely and she clung close to him closer he was so much more peaceful in love than she was and she wanted him to reassure her you do love me she whispered assertive and His Hands stroked her softly as if she were a flower without the quiver of Desire but with delicate nearness and still there haunted her a Restless necessity to get a grip on love say you’ll always love me she pleaded a he said abstractedly and she felt her questions driving him away from her mustn’t we get up he said at last no she said but she could feel his Consciousness straying listening to the noises outside it’ll be nearly dark he said and she heard the pressure of circumstances in his voice she kissed him with a woman’s grief at yielding up her hour he rose and turned up the lantern then began to pull on his clothes quickly disappearing inside them then he stood there above her fastening his breaches and looking down at her with dark wide eyes his face a little flushed and his hair ruffled curiously warm and still and beautiful in the dim light of the lantern so beautiful she would never tell him how beautiful it made her her want to cling fast to him to hold him for there was a warm half sleepy remoteness in his beauty that made her want to cry out and clutch him to have him she would never have him so she lay on the blanket with curved soft naked haunches and he had no idea what she was thinking but to him too she was beautiful the soft marvelous thing he could go into Beyond everything I love thee that I can go into thee he said do you like me she said her heart beating it heals it all up but I can go into Thee I love thee that th open to me I love thee that I came into thee like that he bent down and kissed her soft flank rubbed his cheek against it then covered it up and will you never leave me she said DNA asked them things he said but you do believe I love you she said th loved me just now wider than e th that th would but who knows what’ll happen once th starts thinking about it no don’t say those things and you don’t really think that I wanted to make use of you to you how to have a child now anybody can have any chil I world he said as he sat down fastening on his leggings oh no she cried you don’t mean it a well he said looking at her under his brows this war t best she lay still he softly opened the door the sky was dark blue with crystalline turquoise room he went out to shut up the hens speaking softly to his dog and she lay and wondered at The Wonder of life and of being when he came back she was still lying there glowing like a gypsy he sat on the stool by her tharman come one night to th Cottage a four shter he asked lifting his eyebrows as he looked at her his hands dangling between his knees Shel terce she echoed teasing he smiled a shter he repeated a she said imitating the dialect sound ye he said ye she repeated and slate we me he said it needs that when sht come When shall I she said nay he said th Canad do when shalt come then appen Sunday she said app a Sunday a he laughed at her quickly nay th Cana he protested why Cana I she said chapter 13 on Sunday Clifford wanted to go into the wood it was a lovely morning the pear Blossom and Plum had suddenly appeared appeared in the world in a Wonder of white here and there it was cruel for Clifford while the world bloomed to have to be helped from chair to Bath chair but he had forgotten and even seemed to have a certain conceit of himself in his lameness Connie still suffered having to lift his inert legs into place Mrs Bolton did it now or field she waited for him at the top of the drive at the edge of the screen of beaches his chair came puffing along with a sort of valetudinarian slow importance as he joined his wife he said sir Clifford on his roaming Steed snorting at least she laughed he stopped and looked round at the facade of the long low old brown house ragby doesn’t wink an eyelid he said but then why should it I ride upon the achievements of the mind of man and that beats a horse I suppose it does and the souls in Plato riding up to heaven in a two horse Chariot would go in a Ford car now she said or a rollsroyce Plato was an aristocrat quite no more black horse to thrash and maltreat Plato never thought we’d go one better than his black Steed and his white Steed and have no steeds at all only an engine only an engine and gas said Clifford I hope I can have some repairs done to the old place next year I think I shall have about a thousand to spare for that but work costs so much he added oh good said Connie if only there aren’t more strikes what would be the use of their striking again merely ruin the industry what’s left of it and surely the owls are beginning to see it perhaps they don’t mind ruining the industry said Connie ah don’t talk like a woman the industry fills their bellies even if it can’t keep their pockets quite so flush he said using turns of speech that oddly had a twang of Mrs Bolton but didn’t you say the other day that you were a conservative Anarchist she asked innocently and do you understand what I meant he retorted all I meant is people can be what they like and feel what they like and do what they like strictly privately so long as they keep the form of life intact and the apparatus Connie walked on in silence a few Paces then she said obstinately it sounds like saying an egg may go as addled as it likes so long as it keeps its shell on whole but addled eggs do break of themselves I don’t think people are eggs he said not even angels eggs my dear little evangelist he was in rather High feather this Bright Morning the Larks were trilling away over the park the distant pit in the hollow was fuming silent steam it was almost like old days before the war Connie didn’t really want to argue but then she did not really want to go to the wood with Clifford either so she walked beside his chair in a certain obstinacy of spirit no he said there will be no more strikes if the thing is properly managed why not because strikes will be made as good as impossible but will the men let you she asked we shun ask them we shall do it while they aren’t looking for their own good good to save the industry for your own good too she said naturally for the good of everybody but for their good even more than mine I can live without the pits they can’t they’ll starve if there are no pits I’ve got other provision they looked up the shallow Valley at the mine and Beyond it at the black lided houses of tal crawling like some serpent up the hill from the old brown church the bells were ringing Sunday Sunday Sunday but will the men let you dictate terms she said my dear they will have two if one does it gently but mightn’t there be a mutual understanding absolutely when they realize that the industry comes before the individual but must you own the industry she said I don’t but to the extent I do own it yes most decidedly the ownership of property has now become a religious question as it has been since Jesus and St Francis the point is not take all thou Hast and give to the poor but use all thou Hast to encourage the industry and give work to the poor it’s the only way to feed all the mouths and clothe all the bodies giving away all we have to the poor spells starvation for the poor just as much as for us and Universal starvation is no high aim even General poverty is no lovely thing poverty is ugly but the disparity that is fate why is the star Jupiter bigger than the star Neptune you can’t start altering the makeup of things but when this envy and jealousy and discontent has once started she began your best to stop it somebody’s got to be boss of the show but who is boss of the show she asked the men who own and run the industries there was a long silence it seems to me they’re a bad boss she said then you suggest what they should do they don’t take their Bossip seriously enough she said they take it far more seriously than you take your ladyship he said that’s thrust upon me I don’t really want it she blurted out he stopped the chair and looked at her who’s shooking their responsibility now he said who is trying to get away now from the responsibility of Their Own Boss ship as you call it but I don’t want any boss ship she protested ah but that is Funk you’ve got it fated to it and you should live up to it who has given the Colliers all they have that’s worth having all their political Liberty and their education such as it is their sanitation their health conditions their books their music everything who has given it them have kers given it to kers no no all the ragb and Shipley in England have given their part and must go on giving there’s your responsibility Connie listened and flushed very red I’d like to give something she said but I’m not allowed everything is to be sold and paid for now and all the things you mention now ragby and Shipley sells them to the people at a good profit everything is sold you don’t give one heartbeat of real sympathy and besides es who has taken away from the people their natural life and manhood and given them this industrial horror who has done that and what must I do he asked green ask them to come and pillage me why is Tel so ugly so hideous why are their lives so hopeless they built their own Tel that’s part of their display of Freedom they built themselves their pretty Tel and they live their own pretty lives I can’t live their lives for them every Beetle must live its own life but you make them work for you they live the life of your coal mine not at all every Beetle finds its own food not one man is forced to work for me their lives are industrialized and hopeless and so are ours she cried I don’t think they are that’s just a romantic figure of speech a relic of the swooning and die away Romanticism you don’t look at all a hopeless figure standing there Connie my dear which was true for her dark blue eyes were flashing her color was hot in her cheeks she looked full of a rebellious passion far from the dejection of hopelessness she noticed in the tusky places of the grass cottony young cow slips standing up still blured in their down and she wondered with rage why it was she felt Clifford was so wrong yet she couldn’t say it to him she could not say exactly where he was wrong no wonder the men hate you she said they don’t he replied and don’t fall into errors in your sense of the word they are not men they are animals you don’t understand and never could don’t thrust your illusions on other people the masses were always the same and will always be the same Nero’s slaves were extremely little different from our cers or the Ford Motorcar workmen I mean Nero’s mine slaves and his field slaves it is the masses they are the unchangeable an individual May emerge from the masses but the emergence doesn’t alter the mass the masses are unalterable it is one of the most momentous facts of social science panm at senses only today education is one of the bad substitutes for a circus what is wrong today is that we’ve made a profound hash of the circus’s part of the program and poisoned our masses with a little education when Clifford became really roused in his feelings about the Common People Connie was frightened there was something devastatingly true in what he said but it was a truth that killed seeing her pale and Silent Clifford started the chair again and no more was said till he halted again at the wood gate which he opened and what we need to take up now he said is whips not swords the masses have been ruled since time began until time ends ruled they will have to be it is sheer hypocrisy and fast to say they can rule themselves but can you rule them she asked I oh yes neither my mind nor my will is crippled and I don’t rule with my legs I can do my share of ruling absolutely my share and give me a son and he will be able to rule his portion after me but he wouldn’t be your own son of your own ruling class or perhaps not she stammered I don’t care who his father may be so long as he is a healthy man not below normal intelligence give me the child of any healthy normally intelligent man and I will make a perfectly competent chat of him it is not who begets us that matters but where fate places us place any child among the ruling classes and he will grow up to his own extent a ruler put Kings and duk’s children among the masses and they’ll be little plebians Mass products it is the overwhelming pressure of environment then the common people aren’t a race and The Aristocrats aren’t blood she said no my child all that is romantic illusion aristocracy is a function a part of fate and the masses are a functioning of another part of Fate the individual hardly matters it is a question of which function you are brought up to and adapted to it is not the individuals that make an aristocracy it is the functioning of the aristocratic whole and it is the functioning of the whole mass that makes the common man what he is then there is no common Humanity between us all just as you like we all need to fill our bellies but when it comes to expressive or executive functioning I believe there is a gulf and an absolute one between the ruling and the serving classes the two functions are opposed and the function determines the individual Connie looked at him with da eyes won’t you come on she said and he started his chair he had said his say now he lapsed into his peculiar and rather vacant apathy that Connie found so trying in the wood anyhow she was determined not to argue in front of them ran the open Clift of the riding between the Hazel walls and the gay gray trees the chair puffed slowly on slowly surging into the forget me nuts that rose up in the drive like milk froth beyond the Hazel Shadows Clifford steered the middle course Where Feet passing had kept a Channel Through the flowers But Connie walking behind had watched the wheels jolt over the wood Ruff and the bugle and squashed the little yellow cups of the creeping jenny now they made a wake through the forget me nuts all the flowers were there the first blue bells in Blue Pools like standing water you are quite right about its being beautiful said Clifford it is so amazingly what is quite so lovely as an English spring Connie thought it sounded as if even the spring bloomed by Act of parliament an English spring why not an Irish one or Jewish the chair moved slowly ahead past tfts of sturdy blue bells that stood up like wheat and over gray Birdo leaves when they came to the open place where the trees had been felled the light flooded in rather Stark and the blue bells made sheets of bright blue color color here and there shearing off into lilac and purple and between the Bracken was lifting its Brown curled heads like Legions of young snakes with a new secret to whisper to Eve Clifford kept the chair going till he came to the brow of the Hill Connie followed slowly behind the oak buds were opening soft and brown everything came tenderly out of the old hardness even the snaggy craggy oak trees put out the softest young leaves spreading thin brown little wings like young bat wings in the light why had men never any newness in them any freshness to come forth with stale men Clifford stopped the chair at the top of the rise and looked down the blue bells washed blue like flood water over the broad riding and lit up the downhill with a warm bless it’s a very fine color in itself said Clifford but useless for making a painting quite said Connie completely uninterested shall I venture as far as the spring said Clifford will the chair get up again she said we’ll try nothing Venture nothing win and the chair began to advance slowly jolting Le down the beautiful broad riding washed over with blue encroaching hins oh last of All Ships through the henthi and shallows oh pennis on the last Wild Waters sailing in the last Voyage of our civilization wither Oh weird wield ship your slow course was steering quiet and complacent Clifford sat at the wheel of Adventure in his old black hat and tweed jacket motionless and cautious Oh Captain My Captain our Splendid trip is done not yet though downhill in the Wake came constant in her gray dress watching the chair jolt downwards they passed the narrow track to the Hut thank heaven it was not wide enough for the chair hardly wide enough for one person the chair reached the bottom of the slope and swerved round to disappear and Connie heard a low whistle behind her she glanced sharly round the keeper was striding downhill towards her his dog keeping behind him is Sir Clifford going to the cottage he asked looking into her eyes no only to the well ah good then I can keep out of sight but I shall see you tonight I shall wait for you at the park gate about 10 he looked again direct into her eyes yes she faltered they heard the pap pap of Clifford’s horn tooting for Connie she C Eed in reply the Keeper’s face flickered with a little grimus and with his hand he softly brushed her breast upwards from underneath she looked at him frightened and started running down the hill calling kuie again to Clifford the man above watched her then turned turned grinning faintly back into his path she found Clifford slowly mounting to the spring which was halfway up the slope of the dark Larchwood he was there by the time she caught him up she did that all right he said referring to the chair Connie looked at the great gray leaves of beroch that grew out ghostly from the edge of the Larchwood the people call it Robin hoods rhubarb how silent and gloomy it seemed by the well yet the water bubbled so bright wonderful and there were bits of ey bright and strong blue bugle and there under the bank the yellow Earth was moving a mole it emerged rowing its pink hands and waving its blind gimlet of a face with the tiny pink nose tip uplifted it seems to see with the end of its nose said Connie better than with its eyes he said will you drink will you she took an enamel mug from a twig on a tree and stooped to fill it for him he drank in sips then she stooped again and drank a little herself so icy she said gasping good isn’t it did you wish did you yes I wished but I won’t tell she was aware of the wrapping of a woodpecker then of the wind soft and Eerie through the larches she looked up white clouds were crossing the blue clouds she said white Lambs only he replied a shadow crossed the little clearing the mole had swam out onto the soft yellow Earth unpleasant little beast we ought to kill him said Clifford look he’s like a Parson In a Pulpit she said she gathered some sprigs of Woodruff and brought them to him new moon hey he said doesn’t it smell like the Romantic ladies of the last century who had their head screwed on the right way after all she was looking at the white clouds I wonder if it will rain she said rain why do you want it to they started on the return Journey Clifford jolting cautiously downhill they came to the dark bottom of the hollow turned to the right and after a 100 yards swerved up the foot of the long slope where Blue Bell stood in the light now old girl said Clifford putting the chair to it it was a steep and jolty climb the chair pued slowly in a struggling unwilling fashion still she nosed her way up unevenly till she came to where the hins were all around her then she bked struggled jerked a little way out of the flowers then stopped we’d better Sound the Horn and see if the keeper will come said Connie he could push her a bit for that matter I will push it helps we let her breathe said Clifford do you mind putting a scotch under the wheel Connie found a stone and they waited after a while Clifford started his motor again then set the chair in motion it struggled and faltered like a sick thing with curious noises let me push said Connie coming up behind no don’t push he said angrily what’s the good of the damned thing if it has to be pushed put the stove under there was another pause then another start but more ineffectual than before you must let me push said she or Sound the Horn for the keeper wait she waited and he had another try doing more harm than good Sound the Horn then if you won’t let me push she said hell be quiet a moment she was quite a moment he made shattering efforts with the little motor you’ll only break the thing down altogether Clifford she remonstrated besides wasting your nervous energy if I could only get out and look at the damned thing he said exasperated and he sounded the horn strident perhaps melas can see what’s wrong they waited among the mashed flowers under a sky softly curdling with cloud in the silence a wood pigeon began to c r hoooo r hoooo Clifford shut her up with a blast on on the horn the keeper peered directly striding inquiringly Round the Corner he saluted do you know anything about Motors asked Clifford sharply I am afraid I don’t has she gone wrong apparently snapped Clifford the man crouched solicitously by the wheel and peered at the little engine I’m afraid I know nothing at all about these mechanical things sir Clifford he said calmly if she has enough petrol and oil just look carefully and see if you can see anything broken snapped Clifford the man laid his gun against a tree took off his coat and threw it beside it the brown dogs sat guard then he sat down on his heels and peered under the chair poking with his finger at the greasy Little Engine and resenting the grease marks on his clean Sunday shirt doesn’t seem anything broken he said and he stood up pushing back his hat from his forehead rubbing his brow and apparently studying have you looked at the rods underneath asked Clifford see if they are all right the man lay flat on his stomach on the floor his neck pressed back wriggling under the engine and poking with his finger Connie thought what a pathetic sort of thing a man was feeble and small looking when he was lying on his belly on the big Earth seems all right as far as I can see came his muffled voice I don’t suppose you can do anything said Clifford seems as if I can’t and he scrambled up and sat on his heels colia fashion there’s certainly nothing obviously broken Clifford started his engine then put her in gear she would not move run her a bit hard like suggested the keeper Clifford resented the interference but he made his engine buzz like a blue bottle then she coughed and snarled and seemed to go better sounds as if she’d come clear said melis but Clifford had already jerked her into gear she gave a sick Lurch and ebbed weakly forwards if I give her a push she’ll do it said the keeper going behind keep off snapped Clifford she’ll do it by herself but Clifford put in Connie from the bank you know it’s too much for her why are you so obstinate Clifford was pale with anger he jabbed at his levers the chair gave a sort of scurry reeled on a few more yards and came to her end and made a particularly promising patch of blue bells she’s done said the keeper not power enough shek been up here before said Clifford coldly she wonk do it this time said the keeper Clifford did not reply he began doing things with his engine running her fast and slow as if to get some sort of tune out of her the wood re-echoed with weird noises then he put her in gear with a jerk having jerked off his break you’ll rip her inside out murmured the keeper the chair charged in a sick Lurch sideways at the ditch Clifford cried Connie rushing forward but the keeper had got The Chair by the rail Clifford however putting on all his pressure managed to steer into the riding and with a strange noise the chair was fighting the hill melis pushed steadily behind and up she went as if to retrieve herself you see she’s doing it said Clifford Victorious glancing over his shoulder there he saw the Keeper’s face are you pushing her she won’t do it without leave her alone I asked you not she won’t do it let her try snared Clifford with all his emphasis the keeper stood back then turned to fetch his coat and gun the chair seemed to strangle immediately she stood in that Clifford seated a prisoner was white with vexation he jerked at the levers with his hand his feet were no good he got queer noises out of her in Savage impatience he moved little handles and got more noises out of her but she would not budge no she would not budge he stopped the engine and sat rigid with anger constant sat on the bank and looked at The Wretched and trampled bluebells nothing quite so lovely as an English spring I can do my share of ruling what we need to take up now is whips not swords the ruling classes the keeper strowed up with his coat and gun flossy cautiously at his heels Clifford asked the man to do something or other to the engine Connie who understood nothing at all of the technicalities of motors and who had had experience of breakdowns sat patiently on the bank as if she were a cipher the keeper lay on his stomach again the ruling classes and the serving classes he got to his feet and said patiently try her again then he spoke in a quiet voice almost as if to a child Clifford tried her and Mela stepped quickly behind and began to push she was going the engine doing about half the work the man the rest Clifford glanced round yellow with anger will you get off there the keeper dropped his hold at once and Clifford added how shall I know what she is doing the man put his gun down and began to pull on his coat he’ done the chair began slowly to run backwards Clifford your break cried Connie she melas and Clifford moved at once Connie and the keeper jostling lightly the chair stood there was a moment of dead silence it’s obvious I am at everybody’s Mercy said Clifford he was yellow with anger no one answered melis was slinging his gun over his shoulder his face queer and expressionless save for an abstracted look of patience the dog flossy standing on guard almost between her master’s legs moved uneasily eyeing the chair with great suspicion and dislike and very much perplexed between the three human beings The tblo vant Remains set among the squashed bluebells nobody profer a word I expect she’ll have to be pushed said Clifford at last with an affectation of Sanga no answer mela’s abstracted face looked as if he had heard nothing Connie glanced anxiously at him Clifford too glanced round do you mind pushing her home melas he said in a cool Superior tone I hope I have said nothing to offend you he added in a tone of dislike nothing at all sir Clifford do you want me to push that chair if you please the man stepped up to it but this time it was without effect the break was jammed they poked and pulled and the keeper took off his gun and his coat once more and now Clifford said never a word at last the keeper heaved the back of the chair off the ground and with an instantaneous push of his foot tried to loosen the wheels he failed the chair sank Clifford was clutching the sides the man gasped with the wait don’t do it cried Connie to him if you’ll pull the wheel that way so he said to her showing her how no you mustn’t lift it you’ll strain yourself she said flushed now with anger but he looked into her eyes and nodded and she had to go and take hold of the wheel ready he heaved and she tugged and the chair reeled for God’s sake cried Clifford in Terror but it was all right and the break was off the keeper put a stone under the wheel and went to sit on the bank his heart beat and his face white with the effort semiconscious Connie looked at him and almost cried with anger there was a pause and a dead silence she saw his hands trembling on his thighs have you hurt yourself she asked going to him no no he turned away almost angrily there was dead silence the back of Clifford’s Fair head did not move even the dogs stood motionless The Sky Had clouded over at last he sighed and blew his nose on his red handkerchief that pneumonia took a lot out of me he said no one answered Connie calculated the amount of strength it must have taken to heave up that chair and the bulky Clifford too much far too much if it hadn’t killed him he rose and again picked up his coat slinging it through the handle of the chair are you ready then sir Clifford when you are he stooped and took out the scotch then put his weight against the chair he was paler than Connie had ever seen him and more absent Clifford was a heavy man and the hill was steep Connie steep to the Keeper’s side I’m going to push too she said and she began to shove with a woman’s turbulent energy of anger the chair went faster Clifford looked round is that necessary he said very do you want to kill the man if you’d let the motor work while it would but she did not finish she was already panting she slackened off a little for it was surprisingly hard work a slower said the man at her side with a faint smile of his eyes are you sure you’ve not hurt yourself she said fiercely he shook his head she looked at his smallish short alive hand browned by the weather it was the hand that caressed her she had never even looked at it before it seemed so still like him with a curious inward Stillness that made her want to clutch it as if she could not reach it all her soul suddenly swept towards him he was so silent and Out Of Reach and he felt his limbs revive shoving with his left hand he laid his right on her round white wrist softly infolding her wrist with a caress and the flame of strength went down his back and his loins Reviving him and she bent suddenly and kissed his hand meanwhile the back of Clifford’s head was held sleek and motionless just in front of them at the top of the hill they rested and Connie was glad to let go she had had fugitive dreams of friendship between these two men one her husband the other the father of her child now she saw the screaming absurdity of her dreams the two males were as hostile as fire and water they mutually exterminated one another and she realized for the first time what a queer subtle thing hate is for the first time she had consciously and definitely hated Clifford with Vivid hate as if he ought to be obliterated from the face of the Earth and it was strange how free and full of life it made her feel to hate him and to admit it fully to herself now I’ve hated him I shall never be able to go on living with him came the thought into her mind on the level the keeper could push the chair alone Clifford made a little conversation with her to show his complete composure about aun Eva who was at deep and about Sir Malcolm who had written to ask would Connie drive with him in his small car to Venice or would she and Hilda go by train I’d much rather go by train said Connie I don’t like long motor drives especially when there’s dust but I shall see what Hilda wants she will want to drive her own car and take you with her he said probably I must help up here you’ve no idea how heavy this chair is she went to the back of the chair and plotted side by side with the keeper shoving up the pink part she did not care who saw why not let me wait and fetch field he is strong enough for the job said Clifford it’s so near she panted but both she and melas wiped the sweat from their faces when they came to the top it was curious but this bit of work together had brought them much closer than they had been before thanks so much mellers said Clifford when they were at the house door I must get a different sort of motor that’s all wonk you go to the kitchen and have a meal it must be about time thank you sir Clifford I was going to my mother for dinner today Sunday as you like melis slung into his coat looked at Connie saluted and was gone Connie Furious went upstairs at lunch she could not contain her feeling why are you so abominably inconsiderate Clifford she said to him of who whom of the keeper if that is what you call ruling classes I’m sorry for you why a man who’s been ill and isn’t strong my word if I were the serving classes I’d let you wait for service I’d let you whistle I quite believe it if he’d been sitting in a chair with paralyzed legs and behaved as you behaved what would you have done for him my dear evangelist this confusing of persons and personalties I ities is in bad taste and your nasty sterile want of common sympathy is in the worst taste imaginable no bless oblige you and your ruling class and to what should it oblige me to have a lot of unnecessary emotions about my gamekeeper I refuse I leave it all to my evangelist as if he weren’t a man as much as you are my word my gamekeeper to boot and I pay him2 a week and give him a house pay him what do you think you pay for with2 a week and a house his Services bar I would tell you to keep your 22 a week and your house probably he would like to but can’t afford the luxury you and Rule she said you don’t rule don’t flatter yourself you have only got more than your share of the money and make people work for you for2 a week or threaten them with starvation rule what you give forth of rule why you read dried up you only bully with your money like any Jew or any Sheba you are very elegant in your speech lady chatly I assure you you are very elegant altogether out there in the wood I was utterly ashamed of you why my father is 10 times the human being you are you gentlemen he reached and rang the bell for Mrs Bolton but he was yellow at the feels she went up to her room Furious saying to herself him and buying people well he doesn’t buy me and therefore there’s no need for me to stay with him dead fish of a gentleman with his Celluloid soul and how they take one in with their manners and their Mock wistfulness and gentleness they’ve got about as much feeling as Celluloid has she made her plans for the night and determined to get Clifford off her mind she didn’t want to hate him she didn’t want to be mixed up very intimately with him in any sort of feeling she wanted him not to know anything at all about herself and especially not to know anything about her feeling for the keeper this squabble of her attitude to the servants was an old one he found her too familiar she found him stupidly ins sensient tough and Indi arabber where other people were concerned she went downstairs calmly with her old M bearing at dinner time he was still yellow at the gills in for one of his liver bouts when he was really very queer he was reading a French book have you ever read PR he asked her I’ve tried but he bores me he’s really very extraordinary possibly but he bores me all that sophistication he doesn’t have feelings he only has streams of words about feelings I’m tired of self-important mentalities would you prefer self-important anim I ities perhaps but one might possibly get something that wasn’t self-important well I like PRS subtlety and his well-bred Anarchy it makes you very dead really there speaks my Evangelical little wife they were at it again at it again but she couldn’t help fighting him he seemed to sit there like a skeleton sending out a skeleton’s cold Grizzly will against her almost she could feel the skeleton clutching her and pressing her to its cage of ribs he too was really up in arms and she was a little afraid of him she went upstairs as soon as possible and went to bed quite early but at half 9 she got up and went outside to listen there was no sound she slipped on a dressing gown and went downstairs Clifford and Mrs Bolton were playing cards gambling they would probably go on until midnight Connie returned to her room through her pajamas on the tossed bed put on a thin tennis dress and over that a Woolen day dress put on rubber tennis shoes and then a light coat and she was ready if she met anybody she was just going out for a few minutes and in the morning when she came in again she would just have been for a little walk in the Dew as she fairly often did before breakfast for the rest the only danger was that someone should go into her room during the night but that was most unlikely not one child in 100 bets had not locked up he fastened up the house at 10:00 and unfastened it again at 7 in the morning she slipped out silently and unseen there was a half moon shining enough to make a little light in the world not enough to show her up in her dark gray coat she walked quickly across the park not really in the thrill of the assignation but with a certain anger and Rebellion burning in her heart it was not the right sort of heart to take to a love meeting but Allah come Allah chapter 14 when she got near the park gate she heard the click of the latch he was there then in the darkness of the wood and had seen her you are good and early he said out of the dark was everything all right perfectly easy he shut the gate quietly after her and made a spot of light on the dark ground showing the pet flowers Still Standing There open in the night they went on apart in silence are you sure you didn’t hurt yourself this morning with that chair she asked no no when you had that pneumonia what did it do to you oh nothing it left my heart not so strong and the lungs not so elastic but it always does that and you ought not to make violent physical efforts not often she plodded on in an angry silence did you hate Clifford she said at last hate him no I’ve met too many like him to upset myself hating him I know beforehand I don’t care for his sort and I let it go at that what is his sort nay you know better than I do the sort of youngish gentleman a bit like a lady and no Bulls what Bulls Bulls a man’s Bulls she pondered this but is it a question of that she said a little annoyed you say a man’s got no brain when he’s a fool and no heart when he’s mean and no stomach when he’s a funker and when he’s got none of that spunky wild bit of a man in him you say he’s got no balls when he’s a sort of tame she pondered this and is Clifford tame she asked tame and nasty with it like most such fellows when you come up against them and you think you’re not tame maybe not quite at length she saw in the distance a yellow light she stood still there is a light she said I always leave a light in the house he said she went on again at his side but not touching him wondering why she was going with him at all he unlocked and they went in he bolting the door behind them as if it were a prison she thought the kettle was singing by the red fire there were cups on the table she sat in the wooden armchair by the fire it was warm after the chill outside I’ll take off my shoes they are wet she said she sat with her stocking feet on the bright steel Fender he went to the pantry bringing food bread and butter and pressed tongue She was warm she took off her coat he hung it on the door shall you have cocoa or tea or coffee to drink he asked I don’t think I want anything she said looking at the table but you eat nay I don’t care about it I’ll just feed the dog he tramped with a quiet inevitability over the brick floor putting food for the dog in a brown Bowl the spaniel looked up at him anxiously a this is thy supper th Edna look as if th would NE get it he said he set the bowl on the stairfoot mat and sat himself on a chair by the wall to take off his leggings and boots the dog instead of eating came to him again and sat looking up at him troubled he slowly unbuckled his leggings the dog edged a little nearer what’s a Miss withy then art upset because there’s somebody else here th a female th art go and eat thy supper he put his hand on her head and the [ __ ] leaned her head sideways against him he slowly softly pulled the long silky ear there he said there go and eat thy supper go he tilted his chair towards the pot on the mat and the dog meekly went and fell to eating do you like dogs Connie asked him no not really they’re too tame and clinging he had taken off his leggings and was unlacing his heavy boots Connie had turned from the fire how bare the little room was yet over his head on the wall hung a hideous enlarged photograph of a young married couple apparently him and a bold-faced young woman no doubt his wife is that you Connie asked him he twisted and looked at the enlargement above his head a taken just a four we was married when I was 21 he looked at it imp passively do you like it Connie asked him like it no I never liked the thing but she fixed it all up to have it done like he returned to pulling off his boots if you don’t like it why do you keep it hanging there perhaps your wife would like to have it she said he looked up at her with a sudden grin she cuted off I as was worth taking from th o he said but she left that then why do you keep it for sentimental reasons nay I IA look at it I hardly knowed it wore the it’s been theier s we come to this place why don’t you burn it she said he twisted round again and looked at the enlarged photograph it was framed in a brown and guilt frame hideous it showed a clean shaven alert very youngl looking man in a rather high collar and a somewhat plump bold young woman with hair fluffed out and crimped and wearing a dark satin blouse it wouldn’t be a bad idea would it he said he had pulled off his boots and put on a pair of slippers he stood up on the chair and lifted down the photograph it left a big pale place on the greenish wallpaper no use dusting it now he said setting the thing against the wall he went to the skullery and returned with hammer and pincers sitting where he had sat before he started to tear off the back paper from the Big Frame and to pull out the sprigs that held the backboard in position working with the immediate quiet absorption that was characteristic of him he soon had the nails out then he pulled out the backboards then the enlargement itself in its solid white Mount he looked at the photograph with Amusement shows me for what I was a young curate and her for what she was a bully he said the prig and the bully let me look said Connie he did look indeed very clean shaven and very clean altogether one of the clean young men of 20 years ago but even in the photograph his eyes were alert and dauntless and the woman was not altogether a bully though her gel was Heavy there was a touch of appeal in her one never should keep these things said Connie that one shouldn’t one should never have them made he broke the cardboard photograph and mount over his knee and when it was small enough put it on the fire if will spoil the fire though he said the glass and the backboard he carefully took upstairs the frame he knocked asunder with a few blows of the hammer making the stucco fly then he took the pieces into the skullery we’ll burn that tomorrow he said there’s too much plaster molding on it having cleared away he sat down did you love your wife she asked him love he said did you love sir Clifford but she was not going to be put off but you cared for her she insisted cared he grinned perhaps you care for her now she said me his eyes widened I know I can’t think of her he said quietly why but he shook his head then why don’t you get a divorce she’ll come back to you one day said Connie he looked up at her sharply she wouldn’t come within a mile of me she hates me a lot worse than I hate her you’ll see she’ll come back to you that she never will that’s done it would make me sick to see her you will see her and you’re not even legally separated are you no oh well then she’ll come back and you’ll have to take her in he gazed at Connie fixedly then he gave the queer toss of his head you might be right I Was a Fool ever to come back here but I felt stranded and had to go somewhere a man’s a poor bit of a wastel blown about but you’re right I’ll get a divorce and get clear I hate those things like death officials and courts and judges but I’ve got to get through with it I’ll get a divorce and she saw his jaw set inwardly she exalted I think I will have a cup of tea now she said he Rose to make it but his face was set as they sat at table she asked him why did you marry her she was commoner than yourself Mrs Bolton told me about her she could never understand why you married her he looked at her fixedly I’ll tell you he said the first girl I had I began with when I was 16 she was a school Master’s daughter over at olon pretty beautiful really I was supposed to be a clever sort of young fellow from Sheffield grammar school with a bit of French and German very much up a loft she was the Romantic sort that hated commonness she egged me onto poetry and reading in a way she made a man of me I read and I thought like a house on fire for her and I was a clerk in butterly offices thin white-faced fellow fuming with all the things I read and about everything I talk to her but everything we talked ourselves into seis and Timber too we were the most literary cultured couple in 10 counties I held forth with Rapture to her positively with Rapture I simply went up in smoke and she adored me the serpent in the grass was sex she somehow didn’t have any at least not where it’s supposed to be I got thinner and crazier then I said we’d got to be lovers I talked her into it as usual so she let me I was excited and she never wanted it she just didn’t want it she adored me she loved me to talk to her and kiss her in that way she had a passion for me but the other she just didn’t want and there are lots of women like her and it was just the other that I did want so there we split I was cruel and left her then I took on with another girl a teacher who had made a scandal by carrying on with a married man and driving him nearly out of his mind she was a soft white-skinned soft sort of a woman older than me and played the fiddle and she was a demon she loved everything about love except the sex clinging caressing creeping into you in every way but if you forced her to the sex itself she just grounded her teeth and sent out hate I forced her to it and she could simply numb me with hate because of it so I was borked again I loathed all that I wanted a woman who wanted me and wanted it then came Bertha cots they’d lived next door to us when I was a little lad so I knew them all right and they were common well Bertha went away to some place or other in Birmingham she said as a lady’s companion everybody else said as a waitress or something in a hotel anyhow just when I was more than fed up with that other girl when I was 21 back comes Bera with Aires and Graces and smart clothes and a sort of blue monster her a sort of sensual Bloom that you’d see sometimes on a woman or on a trolley well I was in a state of murder I checked up my job at butterly because I thought I was a weed clarking there and I got on as overhead blacksmith at Tel Shing horses mostly it had been my dad’s job and I’d always been with him it was a job I liked handling horses and it came natural to me so I stopped talking fine as they call it talking proper English and went back to talking broad I still read books at home but I blacksmithed and had a pony trap of my own and was my Lord duckfoot my dad left me £300 when he died so I took on with Bera and I was glad she was common I wanted her to be common I wanted to be common myself well I married her and she wasn’t bad those other pure women had nearly taken all the balls out of me but she was all right that way she wanted me and made no bones about it and I was as pleased as punch that was what I wanted a woman who wanted me to [ __ ] her so I [ __ ] her like a good un and I think she despised me a bit for being so pleased about it and bringing her her breakfast in bed sometimes she sort of let things go didn’t get me a proper dinner when I came home from work and if I said anything flew out at me and I flew back hammer and tongs she flung a cup at me and I took her by the Scruff of the neck and squeezed the life out of her that sort of thing but she treated me with insolence and she got so she’d never have me when I wanted her never always put me off brutal as you like and then when she put me right off and I didn’t want her she’d come all lovey-dovey and get me and I always went but when I had her she’d never come off when I did never she’d just wait if I kep kept back for half an hour she’d keep back longer and when I’d come and really finished then she’d start on her own account and I had to stop inside her till she brought herself off wriggling and shouting she’d clutch clutch with herself down there and then she’d come off fair in ecstasy and then she’d say that was lovely gradually I got sick of it and she got worse she sort of got harder and harder to bring off and she’d sort of tear at me down there as if it was a beak tearing at me by God you think a woman’s soft hand there like a figure but I tell you the old rampers have beaks between their legs and they tear at you with it till you’re sick self self self all self tearing and shouting they talk about men’s selfishness but I doubt if it can ever touch a woman’s blind beish once she’s gone that way like an old TR and she couldn’t help it I told her about it I told her how I hated it and she’d even try she’d try to lie still and let me work the business she’d try but it was no good she got no feeling off it from my working she had to work the thing herself grind her own coffee and it came back on her like a raving necessity she had to let herself go and tear tear tear as if she had no sensation in her except in the top of her beak the very outside top tip that rubbed and tore that’s how old [ __ ] used to be so men used to say it was a low kind of self-will in her a raving sort of self-will like in a woman who drinks well in the end I couldn’t stand it we slept apart she herself had started it in her bouts when she wanted to be clear of me when she said I bossed her she had started having a room for herself but the time came when I wouldn’t have her coming to my room I wouldn’t I hated it and she hated me my God how she hated me before that child was born I often think she conceived it out of hate anyhow after the child was born I left her alone and then came the war and I joined up and I didn’t come back till I knew she was with that fellow at Stacks gate he broke off pale in the face and what is the man at Stacks gate like asked Connie a big baby sort of fellow very low-m mouthed she bullies him and they both drink my word if she came back my God yes I should just go disappear again there was a silence the pasteboard in the fire had turned to gray Ash so when you did get a woman who wanted you said Connie you got a bit too much of a good thing a seems so yet even then I’d rather have her than the Never Never ones the white love of my youth and that other poison smelling Lily and the rest what about the rest said Connie the rest there is no rest only to my experience the mass of women are like this most of them want a man but don’t want the sex but they put up with it as part of the bargain the more old-fashioned sort just lie there like nothing and let you go ahead they don’t mind afterwards then they like you but the actual thing itself is nothing to them a bit distasteful and most men like it that way I hate it but the sly sort of women who are like that pretend they’re not they pretend they’re passionate and have Thrills but it’s all cockal loopy they make it up then there’s the ones that love everything every kind of feeling and cuddling and going off every kind except the natural one they always make you go off when you’re not in the only place you should be when you go off then there’s the hard sort that are the devil to bring off at all and bring themselves off off like my wife they want to be the active party then there’s the sort that’s just dead inside but dead and they know it then there’s the sword that puts you out before you really come and go on ring their loins till they bring themselves off against your thighs but they’re mostly the lesbian sort it’s astonishing how lesbian women are consciously or unconsciously seems to me they’re nearly all lesbian and do you mind asked Connie I could kill them when I’m with a woman who’s really lesbian I fairly Howl in my soul wanting to kill her and what do you do just go away as fast as I can but do you think lesbian women any worse than homosexual men I do because I’ve suffered more from them in the abstract I’ve no idea when I get with a lesbian woman whether she knows she’s one or not I see red no no but I wanted to have nothing to do with any woman anymore I wanted to keep to myself keep my privacy and my decency he looked pale and his brows were somber and were you sorry when I came along she asked I was sorry and I was glad and what are you now I’m sorry from the outside all the complications and the ugliness and recrimination that’s bound to come sooner or later that’s when my blood sinks and I’m low but when my blood comes up I’m glad I’m even triumphant I was really getting bitter I thought there was no real sex left never a woman who’d really come naturally with a man except black women and somehow well we’re white men and they’re a bit like mud and now are you glad of me she asked yes when I can forget the rest when I can’t forget the rest I want to get under the table and die why under the table why he laughed hide I suppose baby you do seem to have had awful experiences of women she said you see I couldn’t fool myself that’s where most men manage they take an attitude and accept a lie I could never fool myself I knew what I wanted with a woman and I could never say I’d got it when I hadn’t but have you got it now looks as if I might have then why are you so pale and gloomy belly full of remembering and perhaps afraid of myself she sat in silence it was growing late and do you think it’s important a man and a woman she asked him for me it is for me it’s the core of my life if I have a right relation with a woman and if you didn’t get it then I’d have to do without again she pondered before she asked and do you think you’ve always been right with women God no I let my wife get to what she was my fault a good deal I spoiled her and I’m very mistrustful you’ll have to expect it it takes a lot to make me trust anybody inwardly so perhaps I’m a fraud too I mistrust and tenderness is not to be mistaken she looked at him you don’t mistrust with your body when your blood comes up she said you don’t mistrust then do you no alas that’s how I’ve got into all the trouble and that’s why my mind mistrusts so thoroughly let your mind mistrust what does it matter the dog sighed with discomfort on the mat the ash clogged fire sank we are a couple of battered Warriors said Connie are you battered too he laughed and here we are returning to the fry yes I feel really frightened a he got up and put her shoes to dry and wiped his own and set them near the fire in the morning he would grease them he poked the ash of pasteboard as much as possible out of the fire even burnt it’s filthy he said then he brought sticks and put them on the hob for the morning then he went out a while with the dog when he came back Connie said I want to go out too for a minute she went alone into the darkness there were stars overhead she could smell flowers on the night air and she could feel her wet shoes getting wetter again but she felt like going away right away from him and everybody it was chilly she shuddered and returned to the house he was sitting in front of the low fire AK cold she shuddered he put the sticks on the fire and fetched more till they had a good crackling chimney full of Blaze the Rippling running yellow flame made them both happy warmed their faces and their souls never mind she said taking his hand as he sat silent and remote one does One’s best a he sighed with a Twist of a smile she slipped over to him and into his arms as he sat there before the fire forget then she whispered forget he held her close in the running warmth of the fire the flame itself was like a forgetting and her soft warm ripe weight slowly his blood turned and began to Eep back into strength and Reckless Vigor again and perhaps the women really wanted to be there and love you properly only perhaps they couldn’t perhaps it wasn’t all their fault she said I know it do you think I don’t know what a broken backed SN snake that’s been trotten on I was myself she clung to him suddenly she had not wanted to start all this again yet some perversity had made her but you’re not now she said you are not that now a broken backed snake that’s been trodden on I don’t know what I am there’s Black Days Ahead no she protested clinging to him why why there’s black days coming for us all and for everybody he repeated with a prophetic Gloom no you’re not to say it he was silent but she could feel the black void of Despair inside him that was the death of all desire the death of all love this despair that was like the dark cave inside the men in which their Spirit was lost and you talk so coldly about sex she said you talk as if you had only wanted your own pleasure and satisfaction she was protesting nervously against him nay he said I wanted to have my pleasure and satisfaction of a woman and I never got it because I could never get my pleasure and satisfaction of her unless she got hers of me at the same time and it never happened it takes two but you never believed in your women you don’t even believe really in me she said I don’t know what believing in a woman means that’s it you see she still was was curled on his lap but his Spirit was gray and absent he was not there for her and everything she said drove him further but what do you believe in she insisted I don’t know nothing like all the men I’ve ever known she said they were both silent then he roused himself and said yes I do believe in something I believe in being warmhearted I believe especially in being warm-hearted in love love in [ __ ] with a warm heart I believe if men could [ __ ] with warm hearts and the women take it warm-heartedly everything would come all right it’s all this cold-hearted [ __ ] that is death and idiocy but you don’t [ __ ] me cold-heartedly she protested I don’t want to [ __ ] you at all my heart’s as cold as cold potatoes just now oh she said kissing him mockingly letun have them soes he laughed and said sat erect it’s a fact he said anything for a bit of warm-heartedness but the women don’t like it even you don’t really like it you like good sharp piercing cold-hearted [ __ ] and then pretending it’s all sugar where’s your tenderness for me you’re as suspicious of me as a cat is of a dog I tell you it takes too even to be tender and warm-hearted you love [ __ ] all right but you want it to be called something Grand and mysterious just to flatter your own self-importance your own self-importance is more to you 50 times more than any man or being together with a man but that’s what I’d say of you your own self-importance is everything to you a very well then he said moving as if he wanted to rise letun keep apart then I’d rather die than do any more cold-hearted [ __ ] she slid away from him and he stood up and do you think I want it she said I hope you don’t he replied but anyhow you go to bed and I’ll sleep down here she looked at him he was pale his brows were Sullen he was as distant in Recoil as the cold pole men were all alike I can’t go home till morning she said no go to bed it’s a quter to 1 I certainly won’t she said he went across and picked up his boots then I’ll go out he said he began to put on his boots she stared at him wait she faltered wait what’s come between us he was bent over lacing his Boot and did not reply the moments passed a dimness came over her like a swoon all her Consciousness died and she stood there wide eyed looking at him from the unknown knowing nothing anymore he looked up because of the silence and saw her wide-eyed and lost and as if a wind tossed him he got up and hobbled over to her one shoe off and one shoe on and took her in his arms pressing her against his body which somehow felt hurt right through and there he held her and there she remained till his hands reached blindly down and felt for her and felt under the clothing to where she was smooth and warm maras he murmured my little lass DNA let’s fight DNA let’s nether fight I love the an touch on thee DNA argue we me DNA DNA Donna let’s be together she lifted her face and looked at him don’t be upset she said steadily it’s no good being upset do you really want to be together with me she looked with wide steady eyes into his face he stopped and went suddenly still turning his face aside all his body went perfectly still but did not withdraw then he lifted his head and looked into her eyes with his odd faintly mocking grin saying a a let’s be together on oath but really she said her eyes filling with tears a really heart and belly and [ __ ] he still smiled faintly down at her with the flicker of irony in his eyes and a Touch of bitterness she was silently weeping and he lay with her and went into her there on the Hearth rug and so they gained a measure of equinity and then they went quickly to bed for it was growing chill and they had tired each other out and she nestled up to him feeling small and infolded and they both went to sleep at once fast in one sleep and so they lay and never moved till the sun rose over the wood and day was beginning then he woke up and looked at the light the curtains were drawn he listened to the loud Wild Calling of black birds and thrushes in the wood it would be a brilliant morning about half 5 his hour for Rising he had slept so fast it was such a new day the woman was still curled asleep and tender his hand moved on her and she opened her blue wondering eyes smiling unconsciously into his face are you awake she said to him he was looking into her eyes he smiled and kissed her and suddenly she roused and sat up fancy that I am here she said she looked round the white-washed little bedroom with its sloping ceiling and Gable window where the white curtains were closed the room was Bare safe for a little yellow painted chest of drawers and a chair and the smallish white bed in which she lay with him fancy that we are here she said looking down at him he was lying L watching her stroking her breasts with his fingers under the thin night dress when he was warm and smoothed out he looked young and handsome his eyes could look so warm and she was fresh and young like a flower I want to take this off she said Gathering the thin batist night dress and pulling it over her head she sat there with bare shoulders and longish breasts faintly golden he loved to make her breasts swing softly like Bells you must take off your pajamas too she said a nay yes yes she commanded and he took off his old Cotton pajama jacket and pushed down the trousers save for his hands and wrists and face and neck he was white as milk with fine slender muscular flesh to Connie he was Suddenly piercingly Beautiful again as when she had seen him that afternoon washing himself gold of sunshine touched the closed white curtain she felt it wanted to come in oh do let’s draw the curtains the birds are singing so do let the sun in she said he slipped out of bed with his back to her naked and white and thin and went to the window stooping a little drawing the curtains and looking out for a moment the back was white and fine the small buttocks beautiful with an Exquisite delicate manliness the back of the neck Ruddy and delicate and yet strong there was an inward not an outward strength in the delicate fine body but you are beautiful she said so pure and fine come she held her arms out he was ashamed to turn to her because of his aroused nakedness he caught his shirt off the floor and held it to him coming to her no she said still holding out her beautiful slim arms from her dropping breasts let me see you he dropped the shirt and stood still looking towards her the sun through the low window sent in a beam that lit up his thighs and slim belly and the erect Fallows rising darkish and hot looking from the little cloud of vivid gold red hair she was startled and Afraid how strange she said slowly how strange he stands there so big and so dark and [ __ ] Shore is he like that the man looked down the front of his slender white body and laughed between the slim breasts the hair was dark almost black but at the root of the belly where the Fallows Rose thick and arching it was gold red Vivid in a little Cloud so proud she murmured uneasy and so LLY now I know why men are so overbearing but he’s lovely really like another being a bit terrifying but lovely really and he comes to me she caught her lower lip between her her teeth in fear and excitement the man looked down in silence at the tense fellows but did not change a he said at last in a little voice AAR lad th right enough ye th man rear thy head fear on thy own a and no counter nodi th now to me John Thomas art boss of me a well th more cocky than me and says less John Thomas dust want her dust Want My Lady Jane LS dipped me in again th Hast a and th comes up smiling a then a Lady Jane say lift up your heads oh ye gates that the king of glory may come in a t cheek on thee [ __ ] that’s what th after tell Lady Jane th want [ __ ] John Thomas andun H C to Lady Jane oh don’t tease him said Connie crawling on her knees on the bed towards him and putting her arms round his white slender loins and drawing him to her so that her hanging swinging breasts touched the tip of the stirring erect fellows and caught the drop of moisture she held the man fast lie down he said lie down let me come he was in a hurry now and afterwards when they had been quite still the woman had to uncover the man again to look at the mystery of the fellows and now he’s tiny and soft like a little bud of life she said taking the soft small penis in her hand isn’t he somehow lovely so on his own so strange and so innocent and he comes so far into me you must never insult him you know he’s mine too he’s not only yours he’s mine and so lovely and innocent and she held the penis soft in her hand he laughed blessed be the tie that binds our hearts in Kindred love he said of course she said even when he’s soft and little I feel my heart simply tied to him and how lovely your hair is here quite quite different that’s John Thomas’s hair not mine he said John Thomas John Thomas and he quickly kissed the soft penis that was beginning to stir again a said the man stretching his body almost painfully he’s got his root in my soul has that gentleman and sometimes I don’t know what Tod do we him a he’s got a will of his own and it’s hard to suit him yet I wouldn’t have him killed no wonder men have always been afraid of him she said he’s rather terrible the quiver was going through the man’s body as the stream of Consciousness again changed its direction turning downwards and he was helpless as the penis in slow soft undulations filled and surged and Rose up and grew hard standing there hard and overweening in its curious towering fashion the woman too trembled a little as she watched there take him then HEK thine said the man and she quivered and her own mind melted out sharp soft waves of unspeak able pleasure washed over her as he entered her and started the Curious molten thrilling that spread and spread till she was carried away with the last blind flash of extremity he heard the distant Hooters of Stack’s gate for 7:00 it was Monday morning he shivered a little and with his face between her breasts pressed her soft breasts up over his ears to deafen him she had not even heard the Hooters she lay perfectly still her soul washed transparent you you must get up mustn’t you he muttered what time came her colorless voice 7:00 blowers a bit sin I suppose I must she was resenting as she always did the compulsion from outside he sat up and looked blankly out of the window you do love me don’t you she asked calmly he looked down at her th knows what th knows what dust acts for he said a little fretfully I want you to keep me not to let me go she said his eyes seemed full of a warm soft darkness that could not think when now now in your heart then I want to come and live with you always soon he sat naked on the bed with his head dropped unable to think don’t you want it she asked a he said then with the same eyes darkened with another flame of Consciousness almost like sleep he looked at her DNA acts me not now he said let me be I like Thee I love thee when th lies the a woman’s a lovely thing when s deep tur [ __ ] and [ __ ] good I love thee thy legs and th shape on thee and th womanness on Thee I love th womanness on Thee I love thee we my balls and we my heart but DNA ask me not DNA May me say not let me stop as I am while I can th and ask me everything after now let me be let me be and softly he laid his hand over her mound of Venus on the soft Brown Maiden hair and himself sat still and naked on the bed his face Motionless in physical abstraction almost like the face of Buddha motionless and in The Invisible flame of another Consciousness he sat with with his hand on her and waited for the turn after a while he reached for his shirt and put it on dressed himself swiftly in silence looked at her once as she still lay naked and faintly golden like a Go De Dijon rose on the bed and was gone she heard him downstairs opening the door and still she lay musing musing it was very hard to go to go out of his arms he called from the foot of the stairs half past 7 she sighed and got out of bed the bare little room nothing in it at all but the small chest of drawers and the smallish bed but the board floor was scrubbed clean and in the corner by the window Gable was a Shelf with some books and some from a circulating Library she looked there were books about bolshevist Russia books of travel a volume about the atom and the electron another about the composition of the Earth’s core and the causes of earthquakes then a few novels then three books on India so he was a reader after all the sun fell on her naked limbs through the Gable window outside she saw the dog flossy roaming round the Hazel break was misted with green and dark green dogs Mercury under it was a clear clean morning with birds flying and triumphantly singing if only she could stay if only there weren’t the other ghastly world of smoke and iron if only he would make her a world she came downstairs down the Steep narrow wooden stairs still she would be content with this little house if only it were in a world of its own he was washed and fresh and the fire was burning will you eat anything he said no only lend me a comb she followed him into the skullery and combed her hair before the hand breadth of Mirror by the back door then she was ready to go she stood in the little front garden looking at The Dewy flowers the gray bed of Pinks in Bud already I would like to have all the rest of the world disappear she said and live with you here it won’t disappear he said they went almost in silence through the lovely dewy wood but they were together in a world of Their Own It was bitter to her to go on to ragby I want soon to come and live with you all together she said as she left him he smiled unanswering she got home quietly and unremarked and went up to her room chapter 15 there was a letter from Hilda on the breakfast tray father is going to London this week and I shall call for you on Thursday week June 17th you must be ready so that we can go at once I don’t want to waste time at ragby it’s an awful place I shall probably stay the night at retford with the colemans so I should be with you for lunch Thursday then we could start at tea time and sleep perhaps in Grantham it is no use our spending an evening with Clifford if he hates your going it would be no pleasure to him so she was being pushed round on the chessboard again Clifford hated her going but it was only because he didn’t feel safe in her absence her presence for some reason made him feel safe and free to do the things he was occupied with he was a great deal at the pits and wrestling in spirit with The Almost hopeless Pro problems of getting out his coal in the most economical fashion and then selling it when he’d got it out he knew he ought to find some way of using it or converting it so that he needn’t sell it or needn’t have the shagon of failing to sell it but if he made electric power could he sell that or use it and to convert into oil was as yet too costly and too elaborate to keep industry alive there must be more industry like a Madness it was a Madness and it required a Madman to succeed in it well he was a little mad Connie thought so his very intensity and Acumen in the Affairs of the pit seemed like a manifestation of Madness to her his very Inspirations were The Inspirations of insanity he talked to her of all his serious schemes and she listened in a kind of Wonder and let him talk then the flow ceased and he turned on the loud speaker and became a blank while apparently his schemes coiled on inside him like a kind of dream and every night now he played pontoon that game of the tomies with Mrs Bolton gambling with sixpences and again in the gambling he was gone in a kind of unconsciousness or blank intoxication or intoxication of blankness whatever it was Connie could not bear to see him but when she had gone to bed he and Mrs Bolton would gamble until 2 and 3 in the morning safely and with strange lust Mrs Bolton was caught in the lust as much as Clifford the more so as she nearly always lost she told Connie one day I lost 23 shillings to Sir Clifford last night and did he take the money from you asked Connie a ghast why of course my lady debt of Honor Connie expostulated roundly and was angry with both of them the upshot was Sir Clifford raised Mrs Bolton’s wages 100 a year and she could gamble on that meanwhile it seemed to Connie Clifford was really going deader she told him at length she was leaving on the 17th 17th he said and when will you be back by the 20th of July at the latest yes the 20th of July strangely and blankly he looked at her with the vagueness of a child but with the queer blank cunning of an old man you won’t let me down now will you he said how oh while you’re away I mean you’re sure to come back I’m as sure as I can be of anything that I shall come back yes well 20th of July he looked at her so strangely yet he really wanted her to go that was so curious he wanted her to go positively to have her little adventures and perhaps come home pregnant and all that at the same time he was afraid of her going she was quivering watching her real opportunity for leaving him altogether waiting till the time herself himself should be ripe she sat and talked to the keeper of her going abroad and then when I come back she said I can tell Clifford I must leave him and you and I can go away they never need even know it is you we can go to another country shall we to Africa or Australia shall we she was quite thrilled by her plan you’ve never been to the colonies have you he asked her no have you I’ve been in India and South Africa and Egypt why shouldn’t we go to South Africa we might he said slowly or don’t you want to she asked I don’t care I don’t much care what I do doesn’t it make you happy why not we sh be poor I have about 600 a year I wrote and asked it’s not much but it’s enough isn’t it it’s riches to me oh how lovely it will be but I ought to get divorced and so ought you unless we’re going to have complications there was plenty to think about another day she asked him about himself they were in the Hut and there was a thunderstorm and weren’t you happy when you were a leftenant and an officer and a gentleman happy all right I liked my Colonel did you love him yes I loved him and did he love you yes in a way he loved me tell me about him what is there to tell he had risen from the ranks he loved the Army and he had never married he was 20 years older than me he was a very intelligent man and alone in the army as such a man is a passionate man in his way and a very clever officer I lived under his spell while I was with him I sort of let him run my life and I never regret it and did you mind very much when he died I was as near death myself but when I came to I Knew Another Part Of Me was finished but then I had always known it would finish in death all things do as far as that goes she sat and ruminated the Thunder crashed outside it was like being in a little Ark in the flood you seem to have such a lot behind you she said do I it seems to me I’ve died once or twice already yet here I am pegging on and in for more trouble she was thinking hard yet listening to the storm and weren’t you happy as An Officer and a Gentleman when your colonel was dead no they were a mingy lot he left laughed suddenly the colonel used to say lad the English middle classes have to chew every mouthful 30 times because their guts are so narrow a bit as big as a pee would give them a stoppage they’re the miniest set of ladylike snipe ever invented full of conceit of themselves frightened even if their boot laces aren’t correct rotten as High game and always in the right that’s what finishes me up cow toe cow toe are slicking till their tongues are tough yet they always in the right prigs on top of everything prigs a generation of ladylike prigs with half a ball each Connie laughed the rain was rushing down he hated them no said he he didn’t bother he just disliked them there’s a difference because as he said the tommies are getting just as prish and half bold and narrow gutted it’s the fate of mankind to go that way the Common People Too the working people all the lot their spunk is gone dead Motorcars and Cinemas and airplanes suck that last bit out of them I tell you every generation breeds a more Rabbid generation with India rubber tubing for guts and Tin legs and Tin faces tin people it’s all a steady sort of bolshevism just killing off the human thing and worshiping the mechanical thing money money money all the modern lot get their real kick out of killing the old human feeling out of man making mince meat of the old Adam and the old Eve they’re all alike the world is all alike kill off the human reality a quid for every foreskin two quid for each pair of balls what is [ __ ] but machine [ __ ] it’s all alike pay him money to cut off the world’s [ __ ] pay money money money to them that will take spunk out of mankind and leave them all little twiddling machines he sat there in the Hut his face pulled to mocking irony yet even then he had one ear set backwards listening to the storm over the wood it made him feel so alone but won’t it ever come to an end she said a it will it’ll achieve its own salvation when the last real man is killed and they’re all tame white black yellow all colors of tame ones then they’ll all be insane because the root of Sanity is in the balls then they’ll all be insane and they’ll make their grand auto defay you know Auto defay means Act of Faith a well they’ll make their own Grand little Act of Faith they’ll offer one another up you mean kill one another I do ducky if we go on at our present rate then in a 100 years time there won’t be 10,000 people in this island there may not be 10 they’ll have lovingly wiped each other out the Thunder was rolling further away how nice she said quite nice to contemplate the extermination of the human species and the long pause that follows before some other species crops up it calms you more than anything else and if we go on in this way with everybody intellectuals artists government industrialists and workers all frantically killing off the last human feeling the last bit of their intuition the last healthy Instinct if it goes on in algebraical progression as it is going on then TARTA to the human species goodbye darling the serpent swallows itself and leaves a void considerably messed up but not hopeless very nice when Savage wild dogs bark in ragby and Savage Wild Pit ponies stamp on Tel pit Bank T Dam laas Connie laughed but not very happily then you ought to be pleased that they are all bists she said you ought to be pleased that they hurry on towards the end so I am I don’t stop him because I couldn’t if I would then why are you so bitter I’m not if my [ __ ] gives its last Crow I don’t mind but if you have a child she said he dropped his head why he said at last it seems to me a wrong and bitter thing to do to bring a child into this world no don’t say it don’t say it she pleaded I think I’m going to have one say you he pleased she laid her hand on his I’m pleased for you to be pleased he said but for me it seems a ghastly treachery to The Unborn creature oh no she said shocked then you can’t ever really want me you can’t want me if you feel that again he was silent his face Sullen outside there was only the threshing of the rain it’s not quite true she whispered it’s not quite true there’s another truth she felt he was bitter now partly because she was leaving him deliberately going away to Venice and this half pleased her she pulled open his clothing and uncovered his belly and kissed his navl then she laid her cheek on his belly and pressed her arm around his warm silent lines they were alone in the flood tell me you want a child in hope she murmured pressing her face against his belly tell me you do why he said at last and she felt the Curious quiver of changing Consciousness and relaxation going through his body why I thought sometimes if one but tried here among th kers even they’re working bad now and not earning much if a man could say to him think a not but th money when it comes to once we want but little let’s not live for money she softly rubbed her cheek on his belly and gathered his balls in her hand the penis stirred softly with strange life but did not rise up the rain beat bruisingly outside let’s live for some it else let’s not live to make money neither for ourselves nor for anybody else now we’re forced to we’re forced to make a bit for ourselves and a fair lot for th bosses let’s stop it bit by bit let’s stop it we needn’t rant and Rave bit by bit let’s drop the whole industrial life and go back the least little bit of money will do for everybody me and you bosses and Masters even th King the least little bit of money will really do just make up your mind to it and you’ve got out a th mess he paused then then went on and i’ tell him look look at Joe he moves lovely look how he moves alive and aware he’s beautiful and look at Jonah he’s clumsy he’s ugly because he’s neither willing to Rouse himself i’ tell him look look at yourselves one shoulder higher than T legs Twisted feet all lumps what have you done to yourselves we the Blasted work spoiled yourselves no need to work that much take your clothes off and look at yourselves you ought to be alive and beautiful and you’re ugly and half dead so I’d tell them and I’d get my men to wear different clothes appen close red trousers bright red and little short white jackets why if men had read fine legs that alone would change them in a month they begin to be men again to be men and the women could dress as they liked because if once the men walked with legs close bright scarlet and buttocks nice and showing Scarlet under a little white jacket then the women oo begin to be women it’s because th men aren’t men that th women have to be and in time pull down Tel and build a few beautiful buildings that would hold us all and clean the country up again and not have many children because the world is overcrowded but I wouldn’t preach to the men only strip a man say look at yourselves that’s working for money hark at yourselves that’s working for money you’ve been working for money look at Tel it’s horrible that’s because it was built while you was working for money look at your girls they don’t care about you you don’t care about them it’s because you’ve spent your time working and caring for money you can’t talk nor move nor live you can’t properly be with a woman you’re not alive look at your El there fell a complete silence Connie was half listening and threading in the hair at the root of his belly a few Forget Me Nots that she had gathered on the way to the Hut outside the world had gone still and a little icy you’ve got four kinds of hair she said to him on your chest it’s nearly black and your hair isn’t dark on your head but your mustache is hard and dark red and your hair here your love hair is like a little brush of bright red gold mistletoe it’s the loveliest of all he looked down and saw the Milky bits of forget me knots in the hair on his groin a that’s where to put Forget Me Nots in the man hair or the maiden hair but don’t you care about the future she looked up at him oh I do terribly she said because when I feel the human world is doomed has doomed Itself by its own mingy beastliness then I feel the colonies aren’t far enough the the moon wouldn’t be far enough because even there you could look back and see the Earth dirty beastly unsavory among all the stars made foul by men then I feel I’ve swallowed ghoul and it’s eating my inside out and nowhere’s far enough away to get away but when I get a turn I forget it all again though it’s a shame what’s been done to people these last 100 years men turned into nothing but labor insects and all their manhood taken away and all their real life I’d wipe the machines off the face of the Earth again and end the industrial Epoch absolutely like a black mistake but since I can’t and nobody can I’d better hold my peace and try and live my own life if I’ve got one to live which I rather doubt the Thunder had ceased outside but the rain which had abated suddenly came striking down with a last blanch of lightning and mutter of departing storm Connie was uneasy he had talked so long now and he was really talking to himself not to her despair seemed to come down on him completely and she was feeling happy she hated despair she knew her leaving him which he had only just realized inside himself had plunged him back into this mood and she triumphed a little she opened the door and looked at the straight Heavy Rain like a Steel Curtain and had a sudden desire to rush out into it to rush away she got up and began swiftly pulling off her stockings then her dress and and under clothing and he held his breath her pointed Keen animal breasts tipped and stirred as she moved she was Ivory colored in the greenish light she slipped on her rubber shoes again and ran out with a wild little laugh holding up her breasts to the heavy rain and spreading her arms and running blurred in the rain with the UR rhythmic dance movements she had learned so long ago in Dresden it was a strange palet figure lifting and falling bending so the rain beat and glistened on the full hunches swaying up again and coming belly forward through the rain then stooping again so that only the full loines and buttocks were offered in a kind of homage towards him repeating a wild oance he laughed Riley and threw off his clothes it was too much he jumped out naked and white with a little shiver into the hard slanting rain flossy sprang before him with a frantic little bark Connie her hair all wet and sticking to her head turned her hot face and saw him her blue eyes blazed with excitement as she turned and ran fast with a strange charging movement out of the clearing and down the path the wet boughs whipping her she ran and he saw nothing but the round wet head the wet back leaning forward in Flight the rounded buttocks twinkling a wonderful cowering female nakedness in Flight she was nearly of the wide riding when he came up and flung his naked arm round her soft naked wet middle she gave a shriek and straightened herself and the Heap of her soft chill flesh came up against his body he pressed it all up against him madly the Heap of soft chill female flesh that became quickly warm as flame in contact the rain streamed on them till they smoked he gathered her lovely heavy posteriors one in each hand and pressed them in towards him in a frenzy quivering Motionless In The Rain then suddenly he tipped her up and fell with her on the path in the Roaring Silence of the rain and short and sharp he took her short and sharp and finished like an animal he got up in an instant wiping the rain from his eyes come in he said and they started running back to the Hut he ran straight and Swift he didn’t like the rain but she came slower Gathering forget me nuts and Campion and bluebells running a few steps and watching him fleeing away from her when she came with her flowers panting to the Hut he had already started a fire and and the Twigs were crackling her sharp breasts Rose and fell her hair was plastered down with rain her face was flushed Ruddy and her body glistened and trickled wide-eyed and breathless with a small wet head and full trickling naive hunches she looked another creature he took the old sheet and rubbed her down she standing like a child then he rubbed himself having shut the door of the Hut the fire was Blazing up she ducked her head in the other end of of the sheet and rubbed her wet hair we are drying ourselves together on the same towel we shall quarrel he said she looked up for a moment her hair all odds and ends no she said her eyes wide it’s not a towel it’s a sheet and she went on busily rubbing her head while he busily rubbed his still panting with their exertions each wrapped in an army blanket but the front of the body opened to the fire they s sat on a log side by side before the blaze to get quiet Connie hated the feel of the blanket against her skin but now the sheet was all wet she dropped her blanket and kneeled on the clay Hearth holding her head to the fire and shaking her hair to dry it he watched the beautiful curving drop of her haunches that fascinated him today how it sloped with a rich down slope to the heavy roundness of her buttocks and in between folded in the secret warmth the secret entrances he stroked her tail with his hand long and subtly taking in the curves and the globe fullness thk got such a nice tail on thee he said in the throaty cessive dialect thk got the nicest ass of anybody it’s the nicest nicest woman’s ass as is an ivory bit of it is woman woman sure as nuts thought not one of them button asked lasses as should be Lads a tur th’s got a real s soft sloping bottom on thee as a man loves in his guts it’s a bottom as could hold the world up it is all the while he spoke he exquisitly stroked the rounded tail till it seemed as if a slippery sort of fire came from it into his hands and his fingertips touched the two secret openings to her body Time After Time with a soft little brush of fire and if th shits an if th pisses I’m glad I don’t want a woman that’s could a ship nor piss could not help a sudden snort of astonished laughter but he went on unmoved th real th T real even a bit of a [ __ ] hear th shits and hear th pisses and I lay my hand on them both and like thee for it I like thee for it th’s got a proper woman’s ass proud of itself it’s none ashamed of itself this isna he laid his hand close and firm over her secret places in a kind of close greeting I like it he said I like it and if I only lived 10 minutes and stroked thy ass and got to know it I should reckon I’d lived One Life see tur industrial system or not here’s one of my lifetimes she turned round and climbed into his lap clinging to him kiss me she whispered and she knew the thought of their separation was latent in both their minds and at last she was sad she sat on his thighs her head against his breast and her Ivory gleaming legs Loosely apart the fire glowing unequally upon them sitting with his head dropped he looked at the folds of her body in the Fire Glow and at the fleece of soft brown hair that hung down to a point between her open thighs he reached to the table behind and took up her bunch of flowers still so wet that drops of rain fell onto her flowers stops Out of Doors all weathers he said they have no houses not even a Hut she murmured with quiet fingers he threaded a few Forget Me Not flowers in the fine Brown fleece of the mound of Venus there he said there’s Forget Me Nots in the right place she looked down at the Milky odd little flowers among the brown Maiden hair at the lower tip of her body doesn’t it look pretty she said pretty is life he replied and he stuck a pink campan Bud among the hair there that’s me where you won’t forget me that’s Moses in the bull rushes you don’t mind do that I’m going away she asked wistfully looking up into his face but his face was inscrutable under the heavy brows he kept it quite blank you do as you wish he said and he spoke in good English but I won’t go if you don’t wish it she said clinging to him there was s silence he leaned and put another piece of wood on the fire the flame glowed on his silent abstracted face she waited but he said nothing only I thought it would be a good way to begin a break with Clifford I do want a child and it would give me a chance to too she resumed to let them think a few lies he said yes that among other things do you want them to think the truth I don’t care what they think I do I don’t want them handling me with their unpleasant cold Minds not while I’m still at ragby they can think what they like when I’m finally gone he was silent but sir cliffer expects you to come back to him oh I must come back she said and there was silence and would you have a child in ragby he asked she closed her arm round his neck if you wouldn’t take me away I should have to she said take you where too anywhere away but right away from ragby when why when I come back but what’s the good of coming back doing the thing twice if you’re once gone he said oh I must come back I’ve promised I’ve promised so Faithfully besides I come back to you really to your husband’s gamekeeper I don’t see that that matters she said no he mused a while and when would you think of going away again then finally when exactly oh I don’t know I’d come back from Venice and then we’d prepare everything how prepare oh I’d tell Clifford I’d have to tell him would you he remained silent she put her arms round his neck don’t make make it difficult for me she pleaded make what difficult for me to go to Venice and arrange things a little smile half a grin flickered on his face I don’t make it difficult he said I only want to find out just what you are after but you don’t really know yourself you want to take time get away and look at it I don’t blame you I think you’re wise you may prefer to stay Mistress of ragby I don’t blame you I’ve no rages to offer in fact you know what you’ll get out of me no no I think you’re right I really do and I’m not keen on coming to live on you being kept by you there’s that too she felt somehow as if he were giving her Tit for Tat but you want me don’t you she asked do you want me you know I do that’s evident quite and when do you want me you know we can arrange it all when I come back now I’m out of breath with you I must get calm and clear quite get calm and clear she was a little offended but you trust me don’t you she said oh absolutely she heard the mockery in his tone tell me then she said flatly do you think it would be better if I don’t go to Venice I’m sure it’s better so if you do go to Venice he replied in the cool slightly mocking voice you know it’s next Thursday she said yes she now began to Muse at last she said and we shall know better where we are when I come back shun we oh surely the Curious Gulf of Silence between them I’ve been to the lawyer about my divorce he said a little constrainedly she gave a slight shudder have you she said and what did he say he said I ought to have done it before that may be a difficulty but since I was in the Army he thinks it will go through all right if only it doesn’t bring her down on my head will she have to know yes she is served with a notice so is the man she lives with the correspondent isn’t it hateful all the performances I suppose I’d have to go through it with Clifford there was a silence and of course he said I have to live an exemplary life for the next 6 or eight months so if you go to Venice there’s Temptation removed for a week or two at least am I Temptation she said stroking his face I’m so glad I’m temptation to you don’t let’s think about it you frighten me when you start thinking you roll me out flat don’t let’s think about it we can think so much when we are apart that’s the whole point I’ve been thinking I must come to you for another night before I go I must come once more to the cottage shall I come on Thursday night isn’t that when your sister will be there yes but she said we would start at tea time so we could start at tea time but she could sleep somewhere else and I could sleep with you but then she’d have to know oh I shall tell her I’ve more or less told told her already I must talk it all over with Hilda she’s a great help so sensible he was thinking of her plan so you’d start off from ragby at tea time as if you were going to London which way were you going by Nottingham and Grandam and then your sister would drop you somewhere and you’d walk or drive back here sounds very risky to me does it well then Hilda could bring me back she could sleep at Mansfield and bring me back here in the evening and fetch me again in the morning it’s quite easy and the people who see you I’ll wear goggles and a veil he pondered for some time well he said you please yourself as usual but wouldn’t it please you oh yes it would please me all right he said a little grimly I might as well Smite while the iron’s hot do you know what I thought she said suddenly it suddenly came to me you are the Knight of the burning pessel a and you are you the lady of the red hot mortar yes she said yes you’re s pessel and I’m lady mortar all right then I’m kned John Thomas is s John to your Lady Jane yes John Thomas is knighted I’m my lady Maiden hair and you must have flowers too yes she threaded two pink campions in the bush of red gold hair above his penis there she said Charming Charming Sir John and she pushed a bitter Forget Me Not in the dark hair of his breast and you won’t forget me there will you she kissed him on the breast and made two bits a Forget Me Not Lodge one over each nipple kissing him again make a calendar of me he said he laughed and the flowers shook from his breast wait a bit he said he rose and opened the door of the Hut flossy lying in the porch got up and looked at him a it’s me he said the rain had ceased there was a wet heavy perfumed Stillness evening was approaching he went out and down the little path in the opposite direction from the riding Connie watched his th white figure and it looked to her like a ghost an apparition moving away from her when she could see it no more her heart sank she stood in the door of the Hut with a blanket around her looking into the drenched motionless silence but he was coming back trotting strangely and carrying flowers she was a little afraid of him as if he were not quite human and when he came near his eyes looked into hers but she could not understand the meaning he had brought colines and campions and newmon hay and Oak Tufts and honeysuckle in small Bud he fastened fluffy Young Oak sprays round her breasts sticking in toughs of blue bells and Campion and in her navl he poised a pink Campion flower and in her maiden hair were forget meots and Woodruff that’s you in all your glory he said Lady Jane at her wedding with John Thomas and he stuck flowers in the hair of his own body and wounded a bit of creeping jenny round his penis and stuck a single Bell of a hyacinth in his navl she watched him with Amusement his odd intentness and she pushed a Campion flower in his mustache where it stuck dangling under his nose this is John Thomas Mary and Lady Jane he said and we man let constant and Oliver go their ways maybe he spread out his hand with a gesture and then he sneezed sneezing away the flowers from his nose and his NE he sneezed again maybe what she said waiting for him to go on he looked at her a little bewildered a he said maybe what go on with what you were going to say she insisted a what was I going to say he had forgotten and it was one of the disappointments of her life that he never finished a yellow Ray of sun Shone over the trees son he said and time you went time my lady time what’s that as flies without wings your ladyship time time he reached for his shirt say good night to John Thomas he said looking down at his penis he’s safe in the arms of creeping jenny not much burning pessel about him just now and he put his flannel shirt over his head a man’s most dangerous moment he said when his head had emerged is when he’s getting into his shirt then he puts his head in a bag that’s why I prefer those American shirts that you put on like a jacket she still stood watching him he stepped into his short drawers and buttoned them round the waist look at Jane he said in all her blossoms whool put blossoms on you next year Jenny me or somebody else goodbye my Blue Bell farewell to you I hate that song it’s early War days he then sat down and was pulling on his stockings she still stood unmoving he laid his hand on the slope of her buttocks pretty little lady Jane he said perhaps in Venice you’ll find a man who put Jasmine in your maiden hair and a pomegranate flower in your navl poor little Lady Jane don’t say those things she said you only say them to hurt me he dropped his head then he said in dialect a maybe I do maybe I do well then I’ll say out and hard done with but th Andress thy all go back to thy stately homes of England how beautiful they stand time’s up time’s up for S John and for Little Lady Jane put thy shim on lady chat thou might be anybody stand in there be out even a shimmy and a few Rags of flowers there then there then I’ll undress thee th bob-tailed young throtle and he took the leaves from her hair kissing her damp hair and the flowers from her breasts and kissed her breasts and kissed her navl and kissed her maiden hair where he left the flowers threaded they must stop while they will he said so their thought bear again not but a bear asked lass an a bit of a Lady Jane now put thy sh me on foran go or else lady chat’s going to be late for dinner and where have you been to my pretty maid she never knew how to answer him when he was in this condition of the vernacular so she dressed herself and prepared to go a little ignominiously home to ragby or so she felt it a little ignominiously home he would accompany her to the broad riding his young pheasants were all right under the shelter when he and she came out onto the riding there was Miss Bolton faltering py towards them oh my lady we wondered if anything had happened no nothing has happened Mrs Bolton looked into the man’s face that was smooth and newl looking with love she met his half- laughing half mocking eyes he always laughed at Miss chance but he looked at her kindly evening Mrs Bolton your ladyship will be all right now so I can leave you good night to your ladyship good night Mrs Bolton he saluted and turned away chapter 16 Connie arrived home to an ordeal of cross questioning Clifford had been out at tea time had come in just before the storm and where was her ladyship nobody knew only Mrs Bolton suggested she had gone for a walk into the wood into the wood in such a storm Clifford for once let himself get into a state of nervous frenzy he started at every flash of lightning and blenched at every Roll of Thunder he looked at the icy thunder rain as if it dare the end of the world he got more and more worked up Mrs Bolton tried to soothe him she’ll be Sheltering in the Hut till it’s over don’t worry her ladyship is all right I don’t like her being in the wood in a storm like this I don’t like her being in the wood at all she’s been gone now more than 2 hours when did she go out a little while before you came in I didn’t see her in the park God knows where she is and what has happened to her oh nothing’s happened to her you’ll see she’ll be home directly after the rain stops it’s just the rain that’s keeping her but her ladyship did not come home directly the rain stopped in fact time went by the sun came out for his last yellow Glimpse and there still was no sign of her the sun was set it was growing dark and the first dinner gong had rung it’s no good said Clifford in a frenzy I’m going to send out field and Bets to find her oh don’t do that cried Mrs Bolton they’ll think there’s a suicide or something oh don’t start a lot of talk going let me slip over to the Hut and see if she’s not there I’ll find her all right so after some persuasion Clifford allowed her to go and so Connie had come upon her in the drive alone and py loitering you mustn’t mind me coming to look for you my lady but sir Clifford worked himself up into such a state he made sure you were struck by lightning or killed by a falling tree and he was determined to send field and Bets to the wood to find the body so I thought I’d better come rather than set all the servants a Gog she spoke nervously she could still see on Connie’s face the smoothness of the half dream of passion and she could feel the irritation against herself quite said Connie and she could say no more the two women plotted on through the wet World in silence while grap drops splashed like explosions in the wood when they came to the park Connie stroe ahead and Mrs Bolton panted a little she was getting plumper how foolish of Clifford to make a fuss said Connie at length angrily really speaking to herself oh you know what men are they like working themselves up but he’ll be all right as soon as he sees your ladyship Connie was very angry that Mrs Bolton knew her secret for certainly she knew it suddenly constant Stood Still on the path it’s monstrous that I should have to be followed she said her eyes flashing oh your ladyship don’t say that he’d certainly have sent the two men and they’d have come straight to the Hut I didn’t know where it was really Connie flushed darker with rage at the suggestion yet while her passion was on her she could not lie she could not even pretend there was nothing between herself and the keeper she looked at the other woman who stood so Sly with her head dropped yet somehow in her femaleness an ally oh well she said if it is so it is so I don’t mind why you’re all right my lady you’ve only been Sheltering in the Hut it’s absolutely nothing they went on to the house Connie marched into Clifford’s room furious with him furious with his pale overwrought face and prominent eyes I must say I don’t think you need send the servants after me she burst out my God he exploded Where Have You Been woman you’ve been gone hours hours and and in a storm like this what the hell do you go to that Bloody wood for what have you been up to it’s hours even since the rain stopped hours do you know what time it is you’re enough to drive anybody mad Where Have You Been what in the name of hell have you been doing and what if I don’t choose to tell you she pulled her hat from her head and shook her hair he looked at her with his eyes bulging and yellow coming into the whites it was very bad for him to get into these rages Mrs Bolton had a weary time with him for days after Connie felt a sudden qualm but really she said milder anyone would think I’d been I don’t know where I just sat in the Hut during all the storm and made myself a little fire and was happy she spoke now easily after all why work him up anymore he looked at her suspiciously and look at your hair he said look at yourself yes she replied calmly I ran out in the rain with no clothes on he stared at her speechless you must be mad he said why to like a shower bath from the rain and how did you dry yourself on an old towel and at the fire he still stared at her in a dumbfounded way and supposing anybody came he said who would come who why anybody and melas does he come he must come in the evenings yes he came later when it had cleared up to feed the pheasants with corn she spoke with amazing nonchalance Mrs Bolton who was listening in the Next Room heard in sheer admiration to think a woman could carry it off so naturally and suppose he’d come while you were running about in the rain with nothing on like a maniac I suppose he’d have had the Fright of his life and cleared out as fast as he could Clifford still stared at her transfixed what he thought in his underc Consciousness he would never know and he was too much taken back to form one clear thought in his upper Consciousness he just simply accepted what she said in a sort of blank and he admired her he could not help admiring her she looked so flushed and handsome and smooth love smooth at least he said subsiding you’ll be lucky if you’ve got off without a severe cold oh I haven’t got a cold she replied she was thinking to herself of the other man’s words th got the nicest woman’s ass of anybody she wished she dearly wished she could tell Clifford that this had been set her during the famous thunderstorm however she bore herself rather like an offended Queen and went upstairs to change that evening Clifford wanted to be nice to her he was reading one of the latest scientific religious books he had a streak of aous sort of religion in him and was egocentrically concerned with the future of his own ego it was like his Habit to make conversation to Connie about some book since the conversation between them had to be made almost chemically they had almost chemically to concoct it in their heads what do you think of this by the way he said reaching for his book you’d have no need to cool your Ardent Body by running out in the rain if only we have a few more Ian of evolution behind us ah here it is the universe shows us two aspects on one side it is physically wasting on the other it is spiritually ascending Connie listened expecting more but Clifford was waiting she looked at him in Surprise and if it spiritually ascends she said what does it leave down below in the place where its tail used to be ah he said take the man for what he means ascending is the opposite of his wasting I presume spiritually blown out so to speak no but seriously without joking do you think there is anything in it she looked at him again physically wasting she said I see you getting fatter and I’m not wasting myself do you think the son is smaller than he used to be he’s not to me and I suppose the Apple Adam offered Eve wasn’t really much bigger if any than one of our orange Pippins do you think it was well here how he goes on it is thus slowly passing with a slowness inconceivable in our measures of time to new creative conditions amid which the physical world as we at present know it will be represented by a ripple barely to be distinguished from non-entity she listened with a glisten of amusement all sorts of improper things suggested themselves but she only said what silly Hocus Pocus as if his little conceited Consciousness could know what was happening as slowly as all that it only means he’s a physical failure on the earth so he wants to make the whole universe a physical failure priggish little impertinence oh but listen don’t interrupt the great man’s solemn words the present type of order in the world has risen from an unimaginable part and will find its grave in an unimaginable future there Remains the inexhaustive realm of abstract forms and creativity with its shifting character ever determined aresh by its own creatures and God upon whose wisdom all forms of order depend there that’s how he winds up Connie sat listening contemptuously he’s spiritually blown out she said what a lot of stuff unimag and types of order in Graves and Realms of abstract forms and creativity with a Shifty character and God mixed up with forms of order why it’s idiotic I must say it is a little vaguely conglomerate a mixture of gases so to speak said Clifford still I think there is something in the idea that the universe is physically wasting and spiritually ascending do you then let it Ascend so long as it leaves me safely and solidly physically here below do you like your physique he asked I love it and through her mind went the words it’s the nicest nicest woman’s ass as is but that is really rather extraordinary because there’s no denying it’s an incumbrance but then I suppose a woman doesn’t take a supreme pleasure in the life of the Mind Supreme pleasure she said looking up at him is that sort of idiocy the Supreme pleasure of the life of the mind no thank you give me the body I believe the life of the body is a greater reality than the life of the mind when the body is really wakened to life but so many people like your famous wind machine have only got Minds tacked onto their physical corpses he looked at her in Wonder the life of the body he said is just the life of the animals and that’s better than the life of professional corpses but it’s not true the human body is only just coming to real life with the Greeks gave a lovely flicker then Plato and Aristotle killed it and Jesus finished it off but now the body is coming really to life it is really rising from the tomb and it will be a lovely lovely life in the lovely Universe the life of the human body my dear you speak as if you were ushering it all in true you are going away on a holiday but don’t please be quite so indecently elated about it believe me whatever God there is is slowly eliminating the guts and Elementary system from the human being to evolve a higher more spiritual being why should I believe you Clifford when I feel that whatever God there is has at last wakened up in my guts as you call them and is Rippling so happily there like Dawn why should I believe you when I feel so very much the contrary oh exactly and what has caused this extraordinary change in you running out Stark naked in the rain and playing banti desire for sensation or the anticipation of going to Venice both do you think it is horrid of me to be so thrilled at going off she said rather horrid to show it so plainly then I’ll hide it oh don’t trouble you almost communicate a thrill to me I almost feel that it is I who am going off well why don’t you come we’ve gone over all that and as a matter of fact I suppose your greatest thrill comes from being able to say a temporary farewell to all this nothing so thrilling for the moment as goodbye to all but every parting means a meeting elsewhere and every meeting is a new bondage I’m not going to enter any new bondages don’t boast while the gods are listening he said she pulled up short no I won’t boast she said but she was thrilled nonetheless to be going off to feel Bon’s snap she couldn’t help it Clifford who couldn’t sleep gambled all night with Mrs Bolton till she was too sleepy almost to live and the day came round for Hilda to arrive Connie had arranged with melow that if everything promised well for their night together she would hang a green Shaw out of the window if there were frustration a red one Mrs Bolton helped Connie to pack it will be so good for your ladyship to have a change I think it will you don’t mind having sir Clifford on your hands alone for a time do you oh no I can manage him quite all right I mean I can do all he needs me to do don’t you think he’s better than he used to be oh much you do wonders with him do I though but men are all alike just babies and you have to flatter them and Weedle them and let them think they’re having their own way don’t you find it so my lady I’m afraid I haven’t much experience Connie paused in her occupation even your husband did you have to manage him and Weedle him like a baby she asked looking at The Other Woman Mrs Bolton paused too well she said I had to do a good bit of coaxing with him too but he always knew what I was after I must say that but he generally gave into me he was never the Lord and Master thing no at least there’d be a look in his eyes sometimes and then I knew I’d got to give in but usually he gave in to me no he was never Lord and Master but neither was I I knew when I could go no further with him and then I gave in though it cost me a good bit sometimes and what if you had held out against him oh I don’t know I never did even when he was in the wrong if he was fixed I gave in you see I never wanted to break what was between us and if you really set your will against a man that finishes it if you care for a man you have to give into him once he’s really determined whether you’re in the right or not you have to give in else you break something but I must say Ted oud give in to me sometimes when I was set on a thing and in the wrong so I suppose it cuts both ways and that’s how you are with all your patience asked Connie oh that’s different I don’t care at all in the same way I know what’s good for them or I try to and then I just contrive to manage them for their own good it’s not like anybody as you’re really fond of it’s quite different once you’ve been really fond of a man you can be affectionate to almost any man if he needs you at all but it’s not the same thing you don’t really care I doubt once you’ve really cared if you can ever really care again these words frightened Connie do you think one can only care once she asked or never most women never care never begin to they don’t know what it means nor men either but when I see a woman as cares my heart stands still for her and do you think men easily take offense yes if you wound them on their pride but women the same only our two Prides are a bit different Connie pondered this she began again to have some misgiving about her going away after all was she not giving her man the go by if only for a short time and he knew it that’s why he was so queer and sarcastic still the human existence is a good deal controlled by the machine of external circumstance she was in the power of this machine she couldn’t extricate her herself all in 5 minutes she didn’t even want to Hilda arrived in good time on Thursday morning in a Nimble two-seater car with her suitcase strapped firmly behind she looked as demure and maidenly as ever but she had the same wo of her own she had the very hell of a will of her own as her husband had found out but the husband was now divorcing her yes she even made it easy for him to do that though she had no lover for the time being she was off men she was very well content to be quite her own mistress and Mistress of her two children whom she was going to bring up properly whatever that may mean Connie was only allowed a suitcase also but she had sent on a trunk to her father who was going by train no use taking a car to Venice and Italy much too hot to motor in in July he was going comfortably by train he had just come down from Scotland so like a demure Arcadian field Marshall Hilda arranged the material part of the journey she and Connie sat in the upstairs room chatting but Hilda said Connie a little frightened I want to stay near here tonight not here near here Hilda fixed her sister with gray inscrutable eyes she seemed so calm and she was so often Furious where near here she asked softly well you know I love somebody don’t you I gathered there was something well he lives near here and I want to spend this last night with him I must I’ve promised Connie became insistent Hilda bent her minurva like head in silence then she looked up do you want to tell me who he is she said heun’s our gamekeeper faltered Connie and she flushed vividly like ashamed child Connie said Hilda lifting her nose slightly with disgust AEM motion she had from her mother I know but he’s lovely really he really understands tenderness said Connie trying to apologize for him Hilda like a ruddy richc colored Athena bowed her head and pondered she was really violently angry but she dared not show it because Connie taking after her father would straight away become obstreperous and UNM manageable it was true Hilda did not like Clifford his cool assurance that he was somebody she thought he made use of Connie shamefully and impudently she had hoped her sister would leave him but being solid Scotch middle class she loathed any lowering of oneself or the family she looked up at last you’ll regret it she said I shun cried Connie flushed red heun quite the exception I really love him he’s lovely as a lover Hilda still pondered you’ll get over him quite soon she said and live to be ashamed of yourself because of him I shant I hope I’m going to have a child of his Connie said Hilda hard as a hammer stroke and pale with anger I shall if I possibly can I should be fearfully proud if I had a child by him it was no use talking to her Hilda pondered and doesn’t Clifford suspect she said oh no why should he I’ve no doubt you’ve given him plenty of occasion for suspicion said Hilda not at all and tonight’s business seems quite gratuitous Folly where does the man live in the cottage at the other end of the wood is he a bachelor no his wife left him how old I don’t know older than me Hilda became more angry at every reply angry as her mother used to be in a kind of paroxismo I would give up tonight’s Escapade if I were you she advised calmly I can’t I must stay with him tonight or I can’t go to Venice at all I just can’t Hilda heard her father over again and she gave way out of mere diplomacy and she consented to drive to Mansfield both of them to dinner to bring Connie back to the Lane end after dark and to fetch her from the lane end the next morning herself Sleeping in Mansfield only half an hour away good going but she was Furious she stored it up against her sister this B in her plans Connie flung an emerald green Shaw over her windowsill on the strength of her anger Hilda warmed toward Clifford after all he had a mind and if he had no sex functionally all the better so much the less to quarrel about Hilda wanted no more of that sex business where men became nasty selfish little Horrors Connie really had less to put up with than many women if she did but know it and Clifford decided that Hilda after all was a decidedly intelligent woman and would make a man a First Rate helpmate if he were going in for politics for example yes she had none of Connie’s silliness Connie was more a child you had to make excuses for her because she was not altogether Dependable there was an early cup of tea in the hall where doors were open to let in the sun everybody seemed to be panting a little goodbye Connie girl come back to me safely goodbye Clifford yes I shun be long Connie was almost tender goodbye Hilda you will keep an eye on her won’t you I’ll even keep too said Hilda she sh go very far astray it’s a promise goodbye Mrs Bolton I know you’ll look after sir Clifford nobly I’ll do what I can your ladyship and write to me if there is any news and tell me about Sir Clifford how he is very good your ladyship I will and have a good time and come back and cheer us up everybody waved the car went off Connie looked back and saw Clifford sitting at the top of the steps in his house chair after all he was her husband ragby was her home circumstance had done it Mrs Chambers held the gate and wished her ladyship a happy holiday the car slipped out of the dark spinny that marked the park onto the high road where the cers were trailing home Hilda turned to the Cross Hill Road that was not a main road but ran to Mansfield Connie put on goggles they ran beside the railway which was in a cutting below them then they crossed the cutting on a bridge that’s the lane to the cottage said Connie Hilda glanced at it impatiently it’s a frightful pity we can’t go straight off she said we could have been in PA mall by 9:00 I’m sorry for your sake said Connie from behind her goggles they were soon at Mansfield but once romantic now utterly disheartening Coler Town Hilda stopped at at the hotel named in the Motorcar book and took a room the whole thing was utterly uninteresting and she was almost too angry to talk however Connie had to tell her something of the man’s history he he what name do you call him by you only say he said Hilda I’ve never called him by any name nor he me which is curious when you come to think of it unless we say Lady Jane and John Thomas but his name is Oliver mellers and how would you like to be Mrs Oliver mellers instead of Lady chatly I’d love it there was nothing to be done with Connie and anyhow if the man had been a leftenant in the Army in India for four or five years he must be more or less presentable apparently he had character Hilda began to relent a little but you’ll be through with him in a while she said and then you’ll be ashamed of having been connected with him one can’t mix up with the working people but you are such a socialist you’re always on the side of the working classes I may be on their side in a political crisis but being on their side makes me know how impossible it is to mix one’s life with theirs not out of snobbery but just because the whole rhythm is different Hilda had lived among the real political intellectuals so she was disastrously unanswerable the nondescript evening in the hotel dragged out and at last they had a nondescript dinner then Connie slipped a few things into a little silk bag and combed her hair once more after all Hilda she said love can be wonderful when you feel you live and are in the very middle of creation it was almost like bragging on her part I suppose every mosquito feels the same said Hilda do you think it does how nice for it the evening was wonderfully clear and long lingering even in the small town it would be halflight all night with a face like a mask from resentment Hilda started her car again and the two sped back on their traces taking the other Road through blls over Connie wore her goggles and disguising cap and she sat in silence because of Hilda’s opposition she was fiercely on the Sidle of the man she would stand by him through thick and thin they had their headlights on by the time they passed Cross Hill and the small lit up train that chuffed Fast and The Cutting made it seem like real night Hilda had calculated the turn into the lane at the bridge end she slowed up rather suddenly and swerved off the road the lights glaring white into the grassy overgrown Lane Connie looked out she saw a shadowy figure and she opened the door here we are she said softly but Hilda had switched off the lights and was absorbed backing making the turn nothing on the bridge she asked shortly you are all right said the man’s voice she backed onto the bridge reversed let the car run forwards a few yards along the road then backed into the lane under a witch elm tree crushing the grass and Bracken then all the lights went out Connie stepped down the man stood under the trees did you wait long Connie asked not so very he replied they both waited for Hilda to get out but Hilda shut the door of the car and sat tight this is my sister Hilda won’t you come and speak to her Hilda this is Mr mellers the keeper lifted his hat but went no nearer do walk down to the cottage with us Hilda Connie pleaded it’s not far what about the car people do leave them on the lanes you have the key Hilda was silent deliberating then she looked backwards down the lane can I back around the bush she said oh yes said the keeper she backed slowly round the curve out of sight of the road locked the car and got down it was night but luminous dark the hedges Rose High and Wild by the unused Lane and very dark seeming there was a fresh sweet scent on the air the keeper went ahead then came Connie then Hilda and in silence he lit up the difficult places with a flashl torch and they went on again while an owl softly hooted over the Oaks and flossy padded silently around nobody could speak there was nothing to say at length Connie saw the yellow light of the house and her heart beat fast she was a little frightened they trailed on still in Indian file he unlocked the door and preceded them into the warm but bare little room the fire burned low and red in the great the table was set with two plates and two glasses on a proper white table cloth for once Hilda shook her hair and looked round the bear cheerless room then she summoned her courage and looked at the man he was moderately tall and thin and she thought him good-looking he kept a quiet distance of his own and seemed absolutely unwilling to speak do sit down Hilda said Connie do he said can I make you tea or anything or will you drink a glass of beer it’s moderately cool beer said Connie beer for me please said Hilda with a mock sort of shyness he looked at her and blinked he took a blue jug and tramped the skullery when he came back with the beer his face had changed again Connie sat down by the door and Hilda sat in his seat with the back to the the wall against the window Corner that is his chair said Connie softly and Hilda Rose as if it had burnt her sit your still sit your still t on cheer as y mind to none of us is th Big Bear he said with complete equinity and he brought Hilda a glass and poured her beer first from the blue jug as for cigarettes he said I’ve got none but aen you’ve got your own I done a smoke Miss shall why eat summit he turned direct to Connie shall Tia Smite a summit if I bring it thee th can usually do we a bite he spoke the vernacular with a curious calm Assurance as if he were the landlord of the Inn what is there asked Connie flushing boiled ham cheese pickled wuts if you like not much yes said Connie won’t you Hilda Hilda looked up at him why do you speak Yorkshire she said softly that that’s non Yorkshire that’s Derby he looked back at her with that faint distant grin Darby then why do you speak Darby you spoke natural English at first did I though and can I I change if my mind to tea nay nay let me talk Darby if it suits me if yon out against it it sounds a little affected said Hilda a appen so Anna pel yod sound affected he looked again at her with a queer calculating distance along his cheekbone as if to say ye and who are you he traed away to the pantry for the food the sisters sat in silence he brought another plate and knife and fork then he said and if it’s the same to you I essel time my coat off like I Alice do and he took off his coat and hung it on the peg then sat down to Table in his shirt sleeves a shirt of thin cream colored flannel help yourselves he said help yourselves d a wait FR aen he cut the bread then sat motionless Hilda felt as Connie once used to his power of silence and distance she saw his smallish sensitive loose hand on the table he was no simple working man not he he was acting acting still she said as she took a little cheese it would be more natural if you spoke to us in normal English not in vernacular he looked at her feeling her devil of a will would it he said in the normal English would it would anything that was said between you and me be quite natural unless you said you wished me to Hell before your sister ever saw me again and unless I said said something almost as unpleasant back again would anything else be natural oh yes said Hilda just good manners would be quite natural second nature so to speak he said then he began to laugh nay he said I’m weary of manners let me be Hilda was frankly baffled and furiously annoyed after all he might show that he realized he was being honored instead of which with his play acting and lordly hires he seemed to think it was he who was conferring the honor just impudence poor misguided Connie in the man’s clutches the three ate in silence Hilda looked to see what his table manners were like she could not help realizing that he was instinctively much more delicate and well-bred than herself she had a certain Scottish clumsiness and moreover he had all the quiet self-contained Assurance of the English no loose edges is it would be very difficult to get the better of him but neither would he get the better of her and do you really think she said a little more humanly it’s worth the risk is what worth what risk this Escapade with my sister he flickered his irritating grin yon X then he looked at Connie th comes of thine own accord L doesn’t her it’s nonm as forces thee Connie looked at Hilda I wish you wouldn’t cavl Hilda naturally I don’t want to but someone has to think about things you’ve got to have some sort of continuity in your life you can’t just go making a mess there was a moment’s pause a continuity he said and what by that what continuity a you got your life I thought you was getting divorced what continuity is that continuity a year owns stubbornness I can see that much and what goods it going to do year you’ll be sick a year continuity a foure a fat sight older a stubborn woman and her own self will a they make a fast continuity they do thank heaven it isn’t me as has got th andin of Y what right have you to speak like that to me said Hilda right what right har your tur start harnessing other folks are your continuity leave folks to their own continuities my dear man do you think I am concerned with you said Hilda softly a he said you are for it’s a force put you’re more or less my sister-in-law still far from it I assure you not of that far I assure you I’ve got my own sort of continuity back your life good as yours any day and if your sister then comes tur me for a bit of [ __ ] and tenderness she knows what she’s after she’s been in my bed a four which you haven’t thank the Lord with your continuity there was a dead pause before he added a I don’t wear me breaches ask farads and if I get a windfall I thank my stars a man gets a lot of enjoyment out of that last the which is more than anybody gets how a th likes a you which is a pity for you might happen have been a good apple stead of a handome and crab women like you needs proper Grafton he was looking at her with an odd flickering smile faintly sensual and appreciative and men like you she said ought to be segregated justifying their own vulgarity and selfish lust a mom it’s a mercy there’s a few men left like me but you deserve what you get to be left severely alone Hilda had risen and gone to the door he rose and took his coat from the peg I can find my way quite well alone she said I doubt you can’t he replied easily they tramped in ridiculous file down the lane again in silence an ow still hooted he knew he ought to shoot it the car stood untouched a little dewy Hilda got in and started the engine the other two waited all I mean she said from her entrenchment is that I doubt if you’ll find and it’s been worth it either of you one man’s meat is another mank poison he said out of the darkness but it’s meat and drink to me the lights flared out don’t make me wait in the morning no I won’t good night the car Rose slowly onto the high road then slid swiftly away leaving the night silent Connie timidly took his arm and they went down the lane he did not speak at length she Drew him to a standstill kiss me she murmured nay wait a bit let me simmer down he said that amused her she still kept hold of his arm and they went quickly down the lane in silence she was so glad to be with him just now she shivered knowing that Hilda might have snatched her away he was inscrutably silent when they were in the cottage again she almost jumped with pleasure that she should be free of her sister but you were horrid to Hilda she said to him she should have been slapped in time but why and she’s so nice he didn’t answer went round doing the evening chores with a quiet inevitable sort of motion he was outwardly angry but not with her so Connie felt and his anger gave him a peculiar handsomeness an inwardness and glisten that thrilled her and made her limbs go Molten still he took no notice of her till he sat down and began to unlace his boots then he looked up at her from under his brows on which the anger still sat firm shun you go up he said there’s a candle he jerked his head swiftly to indicate the candle burning on the table she took it obediently and he watched the full curve of her hips as she went up the first stairs it was a night of sensual passion in which she was a little startled and almost unwilling yet pierced again with piercing Thrills of sensuality different sharper more terrible than the Thrills of tenderness but at the moment more desirable though a little frightened she let him have his way and The Reckless Shameless sensuality shook her to her foundations stripped her to the very last and made a different woman of her it was not really love it was not voluptuousness it was sensuality sharp and Searing as fire Bur turning the soul to Tinder burning out the shames the deepest oldest shames in the most secret places it cost her an effort to let him have his way and his will of her she had to be a passive consenting thing like a slave a physical slave yet the passion licked around her consuming and when the sensual flame of it pressed through her bowels and breast she really thought she was dying yet a poignant marvelous death she had often wondered what AB meant when he said that in their year of love he and Heloise had passed through all the stages and refinements of passion the same thing a thousand years ago 10,000 years ago the same on the Greek vases everywhere the refinements of passion the extravagances of sensuality and necessary forever necessary to burn out false shames and smelt out the heaviest or of the body into Purity with the fire of sheer sensuality in the short summer night she learned so much she would have thought a woman would have died of shame instead of which the shame died shame which is fear the Deep organic shame the old old physical fear which crouches in the bodily roots of us and can only be chased Away by the sensual fire at last it was roused up and rooted by the phallic hunt of the man and she came to the very heart of the Jungle of herself she felt now she had come to the real Bedrock of her nature and was essentially Shameless she was her sensual self naked and unashamed she felt a Triumph almost a vain Glory so that was how it was that was life that was how oneself really was there was nothing left to disguise or be ashamed of she shared her ultimate nakedness with a man another being and what a reckless Devil the man was really like a devil one had to be strong to Bear him but it took some getting at the core of the physical jungle the last and deepest recess of organic shame the fellows alone could explore it and how he had pressed in on her and how in fear she had hated it but how she had really wanted it she knew now at the bottom of her soul fundamentally she had needed this phallic hunting out she had secretly wanted it and she had believed that she would never get it now suddenly there it was and a man was sharing her last and final nakedness she was Shameless what Liars poets and everybody were they made one think one wanted sentiment when what one supremely wanted was this piercing consuming rather awful sensuality to find a man who dared do it without shame or sin or final misgiving if he had been ashamed afterwards and made one feel ashamed how awful what a Pity most men are so doggy a bit shameful like Clifford like michaus even both sensually a bit doggy and humiliating the Supreme pleasure of the mind and what is that to a woman what is it really to the man either he becomes merely messy and doggy even in his mind it needs sheer sensuality even to purify and Quicken the Mind sheer fiery sensuality not messiness ah God how rare a thing a man is they are all dogs that trust and sniff and copulate to have found a man who was not afraid and not ashamed she looked at him now sleeping so like a wild animal asleep gone gone in the remoteness of it she nestled down not to be away from him till his rousing waked her completely he was sitting up in bed looking down at her she saw her own nakedness in his eyes immediate knowledge of her and the fluid male knowledge of herself seemed to flow to her from his eyes eyes and wrap her voluptuously oh how voluptuous and lovely it was to have Limbs and body half asleep heavy and suffused with passion is it time to wake up she said halfast 6 she had to be at the lane end at 8 always always always this compulsion on one I might make the breakfast and bring it up here should I he said oh yes flossy whimpered gently low he got up and threw off his pajamas and rubbed himself with a towel when the human being is full of courage and full of life how beautiful it is so she thought as she watched him in silence draw the curtain will you the Sun was shining already on the tender Green Leaves of morning and the wood stood Bluey fresh in The Nearness she sat up in bed looking dreamily out through the Dorma window her naked arms pushing her naked breasts to together he was dressing himself she was half dreaming of Life a life together with him just a life he was going fleeing from her dangerous crouching nakedness have I lost my nighty altogether she said he pushed his hand down in the bed and pulled out the bit of flimsy silk I know I felt silk at my ankles he said but the night dress was slit almost in two never mind she said it belongs here really I’ll leave it a leave it I can put it between my legs at night for company there’s no name nor mark on it is there she slipped on the torn thing and sat dreamily looking out of the window the window was open the air of morning drifted in and the sound of birds birds flew continuously ped then she saw flossy roaming out it was morning downstairs she heard him making the fire pumping water R out at the back door by and by came the smell of bacon and at length he came upstairs with a huge black tray that would only just go through the door he set the tray on the bed and poured out the tea Connie squatted in her torn night dress and fell on her food hungrily he sat on the one chair with his plate on his knees how good it is she said how nice to have breakfast together he ate in silence silence his mind on the time that was quickly passing that made her remember oh how I wish I could stay here with you and ragby were a million miles away it’s ragby I’m going away from really you know that don’t you a and you promise we will live together and have a life together you and me you promise me don’t you a when we can yes and we will we will won’t we she leaned over making the tea spill catching his wrist a he said tidying up the tea we can’t possibly not live together now can we she said appealingly he looked up at her with his flickering grin no he said only you’ve got to start in 25 minutes have I she cried suddenly he held up a warning finger and Rose to his feet toy had given a short bark then three loud sharp yaps of warning silent he put his plate on the tray and went downstairs constant heard him go down the Garden Path a bicycle Bell tinkled outside there morning Mr mellers registered letter O A got a pencil here y there was a pause Canada said the stranger’s voice a that’s a made a mine out there in British Columbia to know what he’s got to register app and sent your fortune like more like once Summit pause well lovely day again a morning morning after a time he came upstairs again looking a little angry Postman he said very early she replied rural round he’s mostly here by 7 when he does come did your mate send you a fortune no only some photographs and papers about a place out there in British Colombia would you go there I thought perhaps we might oh yes I believe it’s lovely but he was put out by the postman’s coming them damn bikes they’re on you a four you know where you are I hope he twigged nothing after all what could he twig you must get up now and get ready I’m just going to look around outside she saw him go reconnoitering into the lane with dog and gun she went downstairs and washed and was ready by the time he came back with a few things in the little silk bag he locked up and they set off but through the wood not down the lane he was being wary don’t you think one lives for times like last night she said to him a but there’s the Resto times to think on he replied rather short they plotted on down the overgrown path he in front in silence and we will live together and make a life together won’t we she pleaded a he replied striding on without looking round when tea time comes just now you’re off to Venice or somewhere she followed him dumbly with sinking heart oh now she was waiting to go at last he stopped I’ll just strike across here he said pointing to the right but she flung her arms round his neck and clung to him but you’ll keep the tenderness for me won’t you she whispered I loved last night but you’ll keep the tenderness for me won’t you he kissed her and held her close for a moment then he sighed and kissed her again I must go and look if th car’s there he stroe over the low brambles and Bracken leaving a trail through the fern for a minute or two he was gone then he came striding back cars not there yet he said but there’s the baker’s cart on t- road he seemed anxious and troubled Hawk they heard a car softly hoot as it came nearer it slowed up on the bridge she plunged with utter mournfulness in his track through the fern and came to a huge Holly hedge he was just behind her here go through there he said pointing to a gap I sh come out she looked at him in despair but he kissed her and made her go she crept in sheer misery through the Holly and through the wooden fence stumbled down the little ditch and up into the lane where Hilda was just getting out of the car in vexation why you’re there said Hilda where’s he he’s not coming Connie’s face was running with tears as she got into the car with her little bag Hilda snatched up the motoring helmet with the disfiguring goggles put it on she said and Connie pulled on the disguise then the long motoring coat and she sat down a goggling inhuman unrecognizable creature Hilda started the car with a business-like motion they heaved out of the lane and were away down the road Connie had looked round but there was no sight of him away away she sat in bitter tears The Parting had come so suddenly so unexpectedly it was like death thank goodness you’ll be away from him for some time said Hilda turning to aoid Cross Hill Village chapter 17 you see Hilda said Connie after lunch when they were nearing London you have never known either real tenderness or real sensuality and if you do know them with the same in person it makes a great difference for Mercy’s sake don’t brag about your experiences said Hilda I’ve never met the man yet who was capable of intimacy with a woman giving himself up to her that was what I wanted I’m not keen on their self-satisfied tenderness and their sensuality I’m not content to be any man’s little petsy wetsy nor his chair at pleasure either I wanted a complete intimacy and I didn’t get it that’s enough for me Connie pondered this complete intimacy she supposed that meant revealing everything concerning yourself to the other person and his revealing everything concerning himself but that was a bore and all that weary self-consciousness between a man and a woman a disease I think you’re too conscious of yourself all the time with everybody she said to her sister I hope at least I haven’t a slave nature said Hilda but perhaps you have perhaps you were a slave to your own idea of yourself Hilda drove in silence for some time after this piece of unheard of insolence from that chit Connie at least I’m not a slave to somebody else’s idea of me and the somebody else a servant of my husbands she retorted at last in crude anger you see it’s not so said Connie calmly she had always let herself be dominated by her elder sister now though somewhere inside herself she was weeping she was free of the Dominion of other women ah that in itself was a relief like being given another life to be free of the strange dominion and Obsession of other women how awful they were women she was glad to be with her father whose favorite she had always been she and Hilda stayed in a little hotel off Paul mall and Sir Malcolm was in his Club but he took his daughters out in the evening and they liked going with him he was still handsome and robust though just a little afraid of the new world that had sprung up around him he had got a second wife in Scotland younger than himself and richer but he had as many holidays away from her as possible just as with his first wife Connie sat next to him at the Opera he was moderately Stout and had Stout thighs but they were still strong and well-knit the thighs of a healthy man who had taken his pleasure in life his goodh humored selfishness his dog sort of Independence his unrep sensuality it seemed to Connie she could see them all in his well-knit straight thighs just a man and now becoming an old man which is sad because in his strong thick male legs there was none of the alert sensitiveness and power of tenderness which is the very essence of Youth that which Never Dies once it is there Connie woke up to the existence of legs they became more important to her than faces which are no longer very real how few people had live alert legs she looked at the men in the Stalls great pudding thighs in Black Pudding cloth or lean wooden sticks and black funeral stuff or well-shaped young legs without any meaning whatever either sensuality or tenderness or sensitiveness just mere leggy ordinariness that pranced around not even any sensuality like her father’s they were all daunted daunted out of existence but the women were not daunted the awful mil post of most females really shocking really enough to justify murder or the poor thin pegs or the trim neat things in Silk Stockings without the slightest look of Life awful the millions of meaningless legs prancing meaninglessly around but she was not happy in London the people seemed so spectral and blank they had no alive happiness no matter how brisk and good-looking they were it was all Barren and Connie had a woman’s blind craving for happiness to be assured of happiness in Paris at any rate she felt a bit of sensuality still but what a weary tired worn out sensuality worn out for lack of tenderness oh Paris was sad one of the saddest towns weary of its now mechanical sensuality weary of the tension of money money money weary even of resentment and conceit just weary to death and still not sufficiently Americanized or London ised to hide the weariness under a mechanical jig jig jig ah these manly he men these flers the oglers these Eaters of good dinners how weary they were weary worn out for lack of a Little Tenderness given and taken the efficient sometimes Charming women knew a thing or two about the sensual realities they had that pull over their jigging English sisters but they knew even less of tenderness dry with the endless dry tend of will they too were wearing out the human world was just getting worn out perhaps it would turn fiercely destructive a sort of Anarchy Clifford and his conservative Anarchy perhaps it wouldn’t be conservative much longer perhaps it would develop into a very radical Anarchy Connie found herself shrinking and Afraid Of The World sometimes she was happy for a little while in the boulevards or in the boys or the Luxembourg Gardens but already Paris was full of Americans and English strange Americans in the oddest uniforms and the usual dreary English that are so hopeless abroad she was glad to drive on it was suddenly hot weather so Hilda was going through Switzerland and over the Brena then through the dolomites down to Venice Hilda loved all the managing and the driving and being Mistress of the show Connie was quite content to keep quiet and the trip was really quite nice only Connie kept saying to herself why don’t I really care why am I never really thrilled how awful that I don’t really care about the landscape anymore but I don’t it’s rather awful I’m like St Bernard who could sail down the lake of lucern without ever noticing that there were even mountain and green water I just don’t care for landscape anymore why should one stare at it why should one I refuse to no she found nothing vital in France or Switzerland or the Tero or Italy she just was carted through it all and it was all less real than ragby less real than the awful ragby she felt she didn’t care if she never saw France or Switzerland or Italy again they’d keep ragby was more real as for people people were all alike with very little difference they all wanted to get money out of you or if they were Travelers they wanted to get enjoyment perforce like squeezing blood out of a stone poor mountains poor landscape it all had to be squeezed and squeezed and squeezed again to provide a thrill to provide enjoyment what did people mean with their simply determined enjoying of themselves no said Connie to herself I’d rather be at ragby where I can go about and be still and not stare at anything or do any performing of any sort this tourist performance of enjoy enying oneself is too hopelessly humiliating it’s such a failure she wanted to go back to ragby even to Clifford even to poor crippled Clifford he wasn’t such a fool as this swarming holidaying lot anyhow but in her inner Consciousness she was keeping touch with the other man she mustn’t let her connection with him go oh she mustn’t Let It Go or she was lost lost utterly in this world of Riff ruffy expensive people and joy Hogs oh The Joy Hogs oh enjoying oneself another modern form of sickness they left the car in Meer in a garage and took the regular steamer over to Venice it was a lovely Summer Afternoon the shallow Lagoon rippled the full Sunshine made Venice turning its back to them across the water look dim at the station key they changed to a gondola giving the man the address he was a regular Gondolier in a white and blue blouse not very good looking not at all impressive yes the Villa Esmeralda yes I know it I have been the Gondolier for a gentleman there but a fair distance out he seemed a rather childish impetuous fellow he rode with a certain exaggerated impetuosity Through The Dark Side canals with the horrible slimy green Walls the canals that go through the poorer quarters where the washing hangs high up on ropes and there is a slight or strong odor of sewage but at last he came to one of the open canals with pavement on either side and looping bridges that run straight at right angles to the Grand Canal the two women sat under the little awning the man was perched above behind them are the Senor staying long at the Villa Esmeralda he asked rowing easy and wiping his perspiring face with a white and blue handkerchief some 20 days we are both married ladies said Hill in her curious hushed voice that made her Italian sound so foreign ah 20 days said the man there was a pause after which he asked do the Senor want a gondia for the 20 days or so that they will stay at the Villa Esmeralda or by the day or by the week Connie and Hilda considered in Venice it is always preferable to have one’s own Gonda as it is preferable to have one’s own car on land what is there at the Villa what boats there is a motor launch also a Gonda but the book meant they weren’t be your property how much do you charge it was about 30 Shillings a day or £10 a week is that the regular price asked Hilda less Senora less the regular price the sisters considered well said Hilda come tomorrow morning and we will arrive arrange it what is your name his name was Giovani and he wanted to know at what time he should come and then for whom should he say he was waiting Hilda had no card Connie gave him one of hers he glanced at it swiftly with his hot southern blue eyes then glanced again ah he said lighting up Mady me lady isn’t it Mady castanza said Connie he nodded repeating Mady castanza and putting the card carefully away in his blouse The Villa Esmeralda was quite a long way out on the edge of the Lagoon looking towards CIA it was not a very old house and pleasant with The Terraces looking seawoods and Below quite a big garden with dark trees walled in from the Lagoon their host was a heavy rather coarse Scotchman who had made a good fortune in Italy before the war and had been knighted for his Ultra patriotism during the war his wife was a thin pale sharp kind of person with no fortune of her own and The Misfortune of having to regulate her husband’s rather sorted Amorous exploits he was terribly tiresome with the servants but having had a slight stroke during the winter he was now more manageable the house was pretty full besides Sir Malcolm and his two daughters there were seven more people a scotch couple again with two daughters a young Italian contestant Professor a widow a young Georgian prince and a youngish English clergyman who had had pneumonia and was being chaplain to Sir Alexander for his health sake the prince was penous goodlooking would make an excellent chauffeur with the necessary impudence and bastter the Contessa was a quiet little puss with a game on somewhere the clergyman was a raw simple fellow from a bucks vicarage luckily he had left his wife and two children at home and the Guthries the family of four were good solid Edinburgh middle class enjoying everything in a solid fashion and daring everything while risking nothing Connie and Hilda ruled out the prince at once the Guthries were more or less their own sort substantial but boring and the girls wanted husbands the chaplain was not a bad fellow but too deferential sir Alexander after his slight stroke had a terrible heaviness his joviality but he was still thrilled at the presence of so many handsome young young women lady Cooper was a quiet catty person who had a thin time of it poor thing and who watched every other woman with a cold watchfulness that had become her second nature and who said cold nasty little things which showed what an utterly low opinion she had over all human nature she was also quite venomously overbearing with the servants Connie found but in a quiet way and she skillfully behaved so that sir Alexander should think that he was Lord and Monarch of the whole kabou with his star out would be genial punch and his utterly boring jokes his humos as Hilda called it Sir Malcolm was painting yes he still would do a Venetian Lagoon scape now and then in contrast to his Scottish Landscapes so in the morning he was rode off with a huge canvas to his sight a little later lady Cooper would he rode off into the Heart of the City with sketching block and colors she was an inveterate watercolor painter and the house was full of rose-colored palaces dark canals swaying Bridges medieval facades and so on a little later the Guthries the prince the CEST sir Alexander and sometimes Mr Lid the chaplain would go off to the Leo where they would bathe coming home to a late lunch at half 1 a house party as a house party was distinctly boring but this did not trouble the sisters they were out all the time their father took them to the exhibition miles and miles of weary paintings he took them to all the cronies of his in the Villa lucasi he sat with them on warm evenings in the Piaza having got a table at Florian he took them to the theater to the goni plays there were illuminated water Fates there were dances this was a holiday place of all holiday places the Leo with its Acres of sun pinked or pajam bodies was like a strand with an endless heap of seals come up for mating too many people in the Piaza too many Limbs and Trunks of Humanity on the Leo too many gonders too many motor launches too many steamers too many pigeons too many I too many cocktails too many menservants wanting tips too many languages rattling too much too much sun too much smell of Venice too many cargos of strawberries too many silk Shaws too many huge raw beef slices of watermelon on stalls too much enjoyment altogether far too much enjoyment Connie and Hilda went around in their Sunny frogs there were dozens of people they knew dozens of people knew them michelis turned up like a bad Penny hello where you staying come and have an ice cream or something come with me somewhere in my Gonda even Michaelis almost sunburned though Sun cooked is more appropriate to the look of the mass of human flesh it was pleasant in a way it was almost enjoyment but anyhow with all the cocktails all the lying in warmish water and sunbathing on hot sand in hot sun jazzing with your stomach up against some fellow in the warm nights cooling off with IES it was a complete narcotic and that was what they all wanted a drug the slow water a drug the Sun a drug Jazz a drug cigarettes cocktails ices theth to be drugged enjoyment enjoyment Hilda half liked being drugged she liked looking at all the women speculating about them the women were absorbingly interested in the women how does she look what man has she captured what fun is she getting out of it the men were like great dogs in white flannel trousers waiting to be patted waiting to wallow waiting to plaster some woman’s stomach against their own in Jaz Hilda liked Jazz because she could plaster her stomach against the stomach of some so-called man and let him control her movement from the visceral Center here and there across the floor and then she could break loose and ignore the creature he had been merely made use of poor Connie was rather unhappy she wouldn’t Jazz because she simply couldn’t plaster her stomach against some creature’s stomach she hated the conglomerate mass of nearly nude Flesh on the Leo there was hardly enough water to wet them all she disliked sir Alexander and Lady Cooper she did not want Michaelis or anybody else trailing her the happiest times were when she got Hilda to go with her away across the Lagoon far across to some lonely shingle Bank where they could bathe quite alone the gundler remaining on the inner side of the reef then Giovani got another Gondolier to help him because it was a long way and he sweated terrifically in the sun Giovani was very nice affectionate as the Italians are and quite passionless the Italians are not passionate passion has deep reserves they are easily moved and often affectionate but they rarely have any abiding passion of any sort so Giovani was already devoted to his Ladies as he had been devoted to cargos of ladies in the past he was perfectly ready to prostitute himself to them if they wanted him he secretly hoped they would want him they would give him a handsome present and it would come in very handy as he was just going to be married he told them about his marriage and they were suitably interested he thought this trip to some lonely bank across the Lagoon probably meant business business being LaMore love so he got a mate to help him for it was a long way and after all they were two ladies two ladies two mackerels good arithmetic beautiful ladies too he was justly proud of them and though it was the Senora who paid him and gave him orders he rather hoped it would be the young M lady who would select him for lore she would give more money too the mate he brought was called Danelle he was not a regular Gondolier so he had none of the cajer and prostitute about him he was a Sandler man a Sandler being a big boat that brings in fruit and produce from the islands Daniel was beautiful tall and well shapen with a light round head of little close pale blonde curls and a good-looking man’s face a little like a lion and long-distance blue eyes he was not effusive laqua and bibulous like Giovani he was silent and he rode with a strength and ease as if he were alone on the water the ladies were ladies remote from him he did not even look at them he looked ahead he was a real man a little angry when Giovani drank too much wine and rode awkwardly with effusive shoves of the great awe he was a man as melas was a man but Danielle’s wife would be one of those sweet Phoenician women of the people whom one still sees modest and flower like in the back of that Labyrinth of a town ah how sad that man first prostitutes woman then woman prostitutes man Giovani was pining to prostitute himself dribbling like a dog wanting to give himself to a woman and for money Connie looked at Venice far off low and rosec colored upon the Water built of money blossomed of money and Dead with money the money deadness money money money prostitution and deadness yet Danelle was still a man capable of a man’s free Allegiance he did not wear the gonders blouse only the knitted blue jersey he was a little wild UNC and proud so he was hiling to the rather doggy Giovani who was hiling again to two women so it is when Jesus refused the devil’s money he left the devil like a Jewish Banker Master of the whole situation Connie would come home from the Blazing light of the Lagoon in a kind of stuper to find letters from home Clifford wrote regularly he wrote very good letters they might all have been printed in a book and for this reason Connie found them not very interesting she lived in the stuper of the light of the Lagoon the lapping saltiness of the water the space The Emptiness the nothingness but health health complete stuper of Health it was gratifying and she was led away in it not caring for anything besides she was pregnant she knew now so the stuper of sunlight and Lagoon Salt and sea bathing and lying on Shingle and finding shells and drifting away away in a Gonda was completed by the pregnancy inside her another fullness of Health satisfying and Stupify she had been at Venice a fortnight and she was to stay another 10 days or a fortnight the sunshine blazed over any count of time and the fullness of physical health made forgetfulness complete she was in a sort of stuper of well-being from which a letter of Clifford roused her we too have had our mild local excitement it appears the truant wife of mellow the keeper turned up at the cottage and found herself unwelcome he packed her off and locked the door report has it however that when he returned from the wood he found a no longer Fair Lady firmly established in his bed imp purus natural libus or one should say in imp purus natural libus she had broken a window and got in that way unable to evict the somewhat manhandled Venus from his couch he beat a retreat and retired it is said to his mother’s house in Tel meanwhile the Venus of stacks gate is established in the cottage which she claims is her home and aollo apparently is domiciled in Tel I repeat this from heay as Mel has not come to me personally I had this particular bit of local garbage from our garbage bird our Ibis our Scavenging turkey Buzzard Mrs Bolton I would not have repeated it had she not exclaimed her ladyship will go no more to the wood if that woman’s going to be about I like your picture of Sir Malcolm striding into the sea with white hair blowing and pink flesh glowing I envy you that son here it rains but I don’t envy Sir Malcolm his inveterate mortal canal however it suits his age Apparently one grows more carnal and more Mortal as one grows older only youth has a taste of immortality this news affected Connie in her state of semi- stupified well-being with vexation amounting to exasperation now she had got to be bothered by that Beast of a woman now she must start and fret she had no letter from melas they had agreed not to write at all but now she wanted to hear from from him personally after all he was the father of the child that was coming let him write but how hateful now everything was messed up how foul those low people were how nice it was here in the sunshine and the indolence compared to that dismal mess of that English Midlands after all a clear sky was almost the most important thing in life she did not mention the fact of her pregnancy even to Hilda she wrote to Mrs Bolton for exact information Duncan Forbes an artist friend of theirs had arrived at the Villa Esmeralda coming north from Rome now he made a third in the gondola and he bathed with them across the Lagoon and was their escort a quiet almost tacern young man very advanced in his art she had a letter from Mrs Bolton you will be pleased I am sure my lady when you see sir Clifford he’s looking quite blooming and working very hard and very hopeful of course he is looking forward to seeing you among us again it is a dull house without my lady and we shall all welcome her presence Among Us once more about Mr mellers I don’t know how much sir Clifford told you it seems his wife came back all of a sudden one afternoon and he found her sitting on the doorstep when he came in from the wood she said she was come back to him and wanted to live with him again as she was his Legal Wife and he wasn’t going to divorce her but he wouldn’t have anything to do with her and wouldn’t let her in the house and did not go in himself he went back into the wood without ever opening the door but when he came back after dark he found the house broken into so he went upstairs to see what she’d done and he found her in bed without a rag on her he offered her money but she said she was his wife and he must take her back I don’t know what sort of a scene they had his mother told me about it she’s terribly upset well he told her he’d die rather than ever live with her again so he took his things and went straight to his mother’s on Tel Hill he stopped the night and went to the wood next day through the park never going near the cottage it seems he never saw his wife that day but the day after she was at her brother Dan’s at begal swearing and carrying on saying she was his Legal Wife and that he’d been having women at the cottage because she’d found a scent bottle in his drawer and gold tipped cigarette ends on the Heap and I don’t know what all then it seems the postman Fred Kirk says he heard somebody talking in Mr mela’s bedroom early one morning and a Motorcar had been in the lane Mr melis stayed on with his mother and went to the wood through the park and it seems she stayed on at the cottage well there was no end of talk so at last Mr mellers and Tom Phillips went to the cottage and fetched away most of the furniture and bedding and unscrewed the handle of the pump so she was forced to go but instead of going back to Stacks gate she went and lodged with that Mrs sway at begly because her brother Dan’s wife wouldn’t have her and she kept going to Old Mrs mela’s house to catch him and she began swearing he’d got in bed with her in the cottage and she went to a lawyer to make him pay her an allowance she’s grown heavy and more common than ever and as strong as a bull and she goes about saying the most awful things about him how he has women at the cottage and how he behaved to her when they were married the low beastly things he did to her and I don’t know what all I’m sure it’s awful the Mischief a woman can do once she starts talking and no matter how low she may be there’ll be sumers will believe her and some of the dirt will stick I sure the way she makes out that Mr mellers was one of those low beastly men with women is simply shocking and people are only too ready to believe things against anybody especially things like that she declared she’ll never leave leave him alone while he lives though what I say is if he was so beastly to her why is she so anxious to go back to him but of course she’s coming near her change of life for she’s years older than he is and these common violent women always go partly insane when the change of life comes upon them this was a nasty blow to Connie here she was sh as Life coming in for her share of the loness and dirt she felt angry with him for not having got clear of a birth of Cs nay forever having married her perhaps he had a certain hankering after lonus Connie remembered the last night she had spent with him and shivered he had known all that sensuality even with a birth of cots it was really rather disgusting it would be well to be rid of him clear of him altogether he was perhaps really common really low she had a revulsion against the whole Affair and almost envied the Guthrie girls their inexperience and crude maidenin and she now dreaded the thought that anybody would know about herself and the keeper how unspeakably humiliating she was weary afraid and felt a craving for utter respectability even for the vulgar and deadening respectability of the Guthrie girls if Clifford knew about her Affair how unspeakably humiliating she was afraid terrified of society and its unclean bite she almost wished she could get rid of the child again and be quite clear in short she fell into a state of funk as for the scent bottle that was her own Folly she had not been able to refrain from perfuming his one or two handkerchiefs and his shirts in the drawer just out of childishness and she had left a little bottle of c’s with Violet perfume half empty among his things she wanted him to remember her in the perfume as for the cigarette ends they were hilders she could not help help confiding a little in Duncan Forbes she didn’t say she had been the Keeper’s lover she only said she liked him and told Forbes the history of the man oh said Forbes you’ll see they’ll never rest till they’ve pulled the man down and done him in if he has refused to creep up into the middle classes when he had a chance and if he’s a man who stands up for his own sex then they’ll do him in it’s the one thing they won’t let you be straight and open in your sex you can be as dirty as you like in fact the more dirt you do on sex the better they like it but if you believe in your own sex and won’t have it done dirt too they’ll down you it’s the one insane taboo left sex as a natural and vital thing they won’t have it and they’ll kill you before they’ll let you have it you’ll see they’ll Hound that man down and what’s he done after all if he’s made love to his wife all enzon hasn’t he a right to she ought to be proud of it but you see even a low [ __ ] like that turns on him and uses the hyena Instinct of the mob against sex to pull him down you have a snivel and feel sinful or awful about your sex before you’re allowed to have any Oh They’ll Hound the poor devil down Connie had a revulsion in the opposite direction now what had he done after all what had he done to herself Connie but give her an Exquisite pleasure and a sense of freedom and life he had released her warm natural sexual flow and for that they would Hound him down no no it should not be she saw the image of him naked white with tanned face and hands looking down and addressing his erect penis as if it were another being the odd grin flickering on his face and she heard his voice again th got the nicest woman’s ass of anybody and she felt his hand warmly and softly closing over her tail again over her secret places like a benediction and the warmth ran through her womb and the little flames flickered in her knees and she said oh no I mustn’t go back on it I must not go back on him I must stick to him and to what I had of him through everything I had no warm flamy life till he gave it me and I won’t go back on it she did a rash thing she sent a letter to Ivy Bolton enclosing a note to the keeper and asking Mrs Bolton To Give it him and she wrote to him I am very much distressed to hear of all the trouble your wife is making for you but don’t mind it it is only a sort of Hysteria it will all blow over as suddenly as it came but I’m awfully sorry about it and I do hope you are not minding very much after all it isn’t worth it she is only a hysterical woman who wants to hurt you I shall be home in 10 days time and I do hope everything will be all right a a few days later came a letter from Clifford he was evidently upset I am delighted to hear you are prepared to leave Venice on the 16th but if you are enjoying it don’t hurry home we miss you ragby misses you but it is essential that you should get your full amount of sunshine sunshine and pajamas as the advertisements of the Leo say so please do stay on a little longer if it is cheering you up and preparing you for a sufficiently awful winter even today it rains I am assiduously admirably looked after by Mrs Bolton she is a queer specimen the more I live the more I realize what strange creatures human beings are some of them might just as well have a 100 legs like a centipede or six like a lobster the human consistency and dignity one has been led to expect from one’s fellow men seem actually non-existent one doubts if they exist any startling degree even is oneself the scandal of the keeper continues and gets bigger like a snowball Mrs Bolton keeps me informed she reminds me of a fish which though dumb seems to be breathing silent gossip through its gills while ever it lives all goes through the Civ of her gills and nothing surprises her it is as if the events of other people’s lives were the necessary oxygen of her own she is preoccupied with the Mela Scandal and if I will let her begin she takes me down to the depths her great indignation which even then is like the indignation of an actress playing a role is against the wife of melas whom she persists in calling Bera courts I have been to the depths of the muddy lies of the Bera cses of this world and when released from the current of Gossip I slowly rise to the surface again I look at the daylight it’s wonder that it ever should be it seems to me absolutely true that our world which appears to us the surface of all things things is really the bottom of a deep ocean all our trees are submarine growths and we are weird scaly clad submarine fora feeding ourselves on awful like shrimps only occasionally the soul Rises gasping through the fathomless fathoms under which we live far up to the surface of the ether where there is true air I am convinced that the air we normally breathe is a kind of water and men and women are a species of fish but sometimes the soul does come up shoots like a kitty wake into the light with ecstasy after having prayed on the submarine depths it is our mortal Destiny I suppose to pray upon the gasty Subarus life of our fellow men in the submarine Jungle of mankind but our Immortal Destiny is to escape once we have swallowed our swimmy catch up again into the bright ether bursting out from the surface of Old Ocean into real light then one realizes one’s Eternal nature when I hear Mrs Bolton talk I feel myself plunging down down to the depths where the fish of human Secrets wriggle and swim carnal appetite makes one seiz a beak full of prey then up up again out of the dense into the Ethereal from the wet into the dry to you I can tell the whole process but with Mrs Bolton I only feel the downward plunge down horribly among the seaweeds and the pallet Monsters of the very bottom I am afraid we are going to lose our gamekeeper the scandal of the truant wife instead instead of dying down has reverberated to greater and greater Dimensions he is accused of all unspeakable things and curiously enough the woman has managed to get the bulk of the cola’s wives behind her gruesome fish and the village is putrescent with talk I hear this berth of cuts besieges melas in his mother’s house having ransacked the cottage and the Hut she seized one day upon her own daughter as that chip of the female block was returning from school but the little one instead of kissing the loving mother’s hand bit it firmly and so received from the other hand a smack in the face which sent her reeling into the gutter whence she was rescued by an indignant and harassed grandmother the woman has blown off an amazing quantity of poison gas she has AED in detail all those incidents of her conjugal life which are usually buried down in the deepest grave of matrimonial silence between married couples having chosen to exume them after 10 years of burial she has a weird array I hear these details from Linley and the doctor the latter being amused of course there is really nothing in it Humanity has always had a strange avidity for unusual sexual postures and if a man likes to use his wife as Benvenuto chelini says in the Italian way well that is a matter of taste but I had hardly expected our gamekeeper to be up to so many tricks no doubt Bera cuds herself first put him up to them in any case it is a matter of their own personal squalor and nothing to do with anybody else however everybody listens as I do myself a dozen years ago common decency would have hushed the thing but common decency no longer exists and the cola’s wives are all up in arms and unabashed in voice one would think every child in Tel for the last 50 years had been an Immaculate Conception and every one of our non-conformist females was a shining Jone of Ark that are estimable Game Keeper should have about him a touch of rabet seems to make him more monstrous and shocking than a murderer like Crippen yet these people in Tel are a loose lot if one is to believe all accounts the trouble is however the execrable Bera cuds has not confined herself to her own experiences and sufferings she has discovered at the top of her voice that her husband has been keeping women down at the cottage and has made a few random shots at naming the women this has brought a few decent names trailing through the mud and the thing has gone quite considerably too far an injunction has been taken out against the woman I have had to interview melis about the business as it was impossible to keep the woman away from the wood he goes about as usual with his Miller of the D air I care for nobody no not I if nobody care for me nevertheless I shrewdly suspect he feels like a dog with a tin can tied to its tail though he makes a very good show of pretend the tin Ken isn’t there but I heard that in the village the women call away their children if he is passing as if he were the marquist toad in person he goes on with a certain impudence but I am afraid the tin can is firmly tied to his tail and that inwardly he repeats like Don Rodrigo in the Spanish ballad ah now it bites me where I most have sinned I asked him if he thought he would be able to attend to his duty in the wood and he said he did not think he had neglected it I told told him it was a nuisance to have the woman trespassing to which he replied that he had no power to arrest her then I hinted at the Scandal and its unpleasant cause a he said folks should do their own [ __ ] then they wouldn’t want to listen to a lot of clat fart about another man’s he said it with some bitterness and no doubt it contains the real germ of Truth the mode of putting it however is neither delicate nor respectful I hinted as much and then I heard heard the tin can rattle again it’s not for a man the shape you’re in sir Clifford to twip me for having a Cod between my legs these things said indiscriminately to all and sunry of course do not help him at all and the Rector and Finley and burrow all think it would be as well if the man left the place I asked him if it was true that he entertained Ladies down at the cottage and all he said was why what’s that to you said Clifford I told him I intended to have decency observed on my estate to which he replied then you mutton the mouths at TH women dot when I pressed him about his manner of Life at the cottage he said surely you might may a scandal out of Me and My [ __ ] flossy you’ve missed some it there as a matter of fact for an example of impertinence he’d be hard to beat I asked him if it would be easy for him to find another job he said if you’re hinting that you’d like to shunt me out of this job it would be easy as wink so he made no trouble at all about leaving at the end of next week and apparently is willing to initiate a young fellow Joe Chambers into as many Mysteries of the craft as possible I told him I would give him a month’s wages extra when he left he said he’d rather I kept my money as I’d no occasion to ease my conscience I asked him what he meant and he said you don’t owe me nothing extra sir Clifford so don’t pay me nothing extra if you think you see my shirt hanging out just tell me well there is the end of it for the time being the woman has gone away we don’t know where to but she is liable to arrest if she shows her face in Tel and I heard she is mortally afraid of jail because she merits it so well melas will depart on Saturday week and the place will soon become normal again meanwhile my dear Connie if you would enjoy to stay in Venice or in Switzerland till the beginning of August I should be glad to think you were out of all this Buzz of nastiness which will have died quite Away by the end of the month so you see we are deep sea monsters and when the lobster walks on mud he stirs it up for everybody we must perforce take it philosophically the irritation and the lack of any sympathy in any direction of Clifford’s letter had a bad effect on Connie but she understood it better when she received the following from mellers the cat is out of the bag along with various other the [ __ ] you have heard that my wife Bera came back to my unloving arms and took up her Abode in the cottage where to speak disrespectfully she smelled a rat in the shape of a little bottle of Co other evidence she did not find at least for some days when she began to howl about the burnt photograph she noticed the glass and the backboard in the Square bedroom unfortunately on the backboard somebody had scribbled little sketches and the initials several times repeated c s are this however afforded no clue until she broke into the Hut and found one of your books an autobiography of the actress Judith with your name constant Stewart Reed on the front page after this for some days she went round loudly saying that my Paramore was no lesser person than lady chatterly herself the news came at last to the Rector Mr Burrows and to Sir Clifford they then proceeded to take legal steps against my le lady who for her part disappeared having always had a mortal fear of the police sir Clifford asked to see me so I went to him he talked around things and seemed annoyed with me then he asked if I knew that even her lady ship’s name had been mentioned I said I never listened to Scandal and was surprised to hear this bit from Sir Clifford himself he said of course it was a great insult and I told him there was Queen Mary on a calendar in the skullery No Doubt because her majesty formed part of my harim but he didn’t appreciate the sarcasm he as good as told me I was a disreputable character who walked about with my breach’s buttons undone and I as good as told him he’d nothing to unbutton anyhow so he gave me the sack and I leave on Saturday week and the place thereof shall know me no more I shall go to London and my old land lady Mrs Inger 17 cerg Square will either give me a room or will find one for me be sure your sins will find you out especially if you’re married and her name’s Bera there was not a word about herself or to her Connie resented this he might have said some few words of consolation or reassurance but she knew he was leaving her free free to go back to ragby and to Clifford she resented that too he need not be so falsely chivalrous she wished he had said to Clifford yes she is my lover and my mistress and I am proud of it but his courage wouldn’t count marry him so far so her name was coupled with his intal it was a mess but that would soon die down she was angry with the complicated and Confused anger that made her inert she did not know what to do nor what to say so she said and did nothing she went on at Venice just the same rowing out in the Gonda with Duncan Forbes bathing letting the days slip by Duncan who had been rather depressingly in love with her 10 years ago was in love with her again but she said to him I only want one thing of men and that is that they should leave me alone so Duncan left her alone really quite pleased to be able to all the same he offered her a soft stream of a queer inverted sort of love he wanted to be with her have you ever thought he said to her one day how very little people are connected with one another look at Danelle he is handsome as a son of the Sun but see how alone he looks in his handsomeness yet I bet he has a wife and family and couldn’t possibly go away from them ask him said Connie Duncan did so Danielle said he was married and had two children both male aged seven and nine but he betrayed no emotion over the fact perhaps only people who are capable of real togetherness have that look of being alone in the universe said Connie the others have a certain stickiness they stick to the mass like Giovani and she thought to herself like you Duncan chapter 18 she had to make up her mind what to do she would leave Venice on the Saturday that he was leaving ragby in six days time this would bring her to London on the Monday following and she would then see him she wrote to him to the London address asking him to send her a letter to heartland’s hotel and to call for her on the Monday evening at 700 inside herself she was curiously and complicatedly angry and all her responses were numb she refused to confide even in Hilda and Hilda offended by her steady silence had become rather intimate with a Dutch woman Connie hated these rather stifling intimacies Between Women intimacy into which Hilda always entered ponderously so Malcolm decided to travel with Connie and Duncan could come on with Hilda the old artist always did himself well he took births on the Orient Express in spite of Connie’s dislike of trains Deluxe the atmosphere of vulgar depravity there is aboard them nowadays however it would make the journey to Paris shorter Sir Malcolm was always uneasy going back to his wife it was habit carried over from the first wife but there would be a house party for the grous and he wanted to be well ahead Connie sunburnt and handsome sat in silence forgetting all about the landscape a little dull for you going back to ragby said her father noticing her glumness I’m not sure I shall go back to ragby she said with startling abruptness looking into his eyes with her big blue eyes his big blue eyes took on the frightened look of a man whose social conscience is not quite clear you mean you’ll stay on in Paris a while no I mean never go back to ragby he was bothered by his own little problems and sincerely hoped he was getting none of hers to shoulder how’s that all at once he asked I’m going to have a child it was the first time she had uttered the words to any living soul and it seemed to Mark a cleavage in her life how do you know said her father she smiled how should I know but not Clifford’s child of course no another man’s she rather enjoyed tormenting him do I know the man asked Sir Malcolm no you’ve never seen him there was a long pause and what are your plans I don’t know that’s the point no patching it up with Clifford I suppose Clifford would take it said Connie he told me after last time you talked to him he wouldn’t mind if I had a child so long as I went about it discreetly only sensible thing he could say under the circum ances then I suppose it’ll be all right in what way said Connie looking into her father’s eyes they were big blue eyes rather like her own but with a certain uneasiness in them a look sometimes of an uneasy little boy sometimes a look of suen selfishness usually good humored and wary you can present Clifford with an air to all the chates and put another baronet in ragby sir Malcolm’s face smiled with a half sensual smile but I don’t think I want to she said why not feeling entangled with the other man well if you want the truth from me my child it’s this the world goes on ragby stands and Will Go On standing the world is more or less a fixed thing and externally we have to adapt ourselves to it privately in my private opinion we can please ourselves emotions change you may like one man this year and another next but ragby still stands stick by ragby as far as ragby sticks by you then please yourself but you’ll get very little out of making a break you can make a break if you wish you have an independent income the only thing that never lets you down but you won’t get much out of it put a little baronet in ragby it’s an amusing thing to do and Sir Malcolm sat back and smiled again Connie did not answer I hope you had a real man at last he said to her after a while sensually alert I did that’s the trouble there aren’t many of them about She Said No by God he mused there aren’t well my dear to look at you he was a lucky man surely he wouldn’t make trouble for you oh no he leaves me my own mistress entirely quite quite a genuine man would Sir Malcolm was pleased Connie was his favorite daughter he had always liked the female in her not so much of her mother in her as in Hilda and he had always disliked Clifford so he was pleased and very tender with his daughter as if the unborn child were his child he drove with her to heartland’s hotel and saw her installed then went round to his Club she had refused his company for the evening she found a letter from mellers I won’t come round to your hotel but I’ll wait for you outside the golden [ __ ] in Adam Street at 7 there he stood tall and slender and so different in a formal suit of thin dark cloth he had a natural distinction but he had not the cut to pattern look of her class yet she saw at once he could go anywhere he had a native breeding which was really much nicer than the cut to patent class thing ah there you are how well you look yes but not you she looked in his face anxiously it was thin and the cheekbones showed but his eyes smiled at her and she felt at home with him there it was suddenly the tension of keeping up her appearances fell from her something flowed out of him physically that made her feel inwardly at ease and happy at home with a woman’s now alert Instinct for happiness she registered it at once I’m happy when he’s there not all the sunshine of Venice had given her this inward expansion and warmth was it horrid for you she asked as she sat opposite him at table he was too thin she saw it now his hand lay as she knew it with the Curious loose forgotten of a sleeping animal she wanted so much to take it and kiss it but she did not quite dare people are always horrid he said and and did you mind very much I minded as I always shall mind and I knew I was a fool to mind did you feel like a dog with a tin can tied to its tail Clifford said you felt like that he looked at her it was cruel of her at that moment for his pride had suffered bitterly I suppose I did he said she never knew the fierce bitterness with which he resented insult there was a long pause and did you miss me she asked I was glad you were out of it again there was a pause but did people believe about you and me she asked no I don’t think so for a moment did Clifford I should say not he put it off without thinking about it but naturally it made him want to see the last of me I’m going to have a child the expression died utterly out of his face out of his whole body he looked at her with darkened eyes whose look she could not understand at all like some dark flamed Spirit looking at her say you’re glad she pleaded grouping for his hand and she saw a certain exultant spring up in him but it was netted down by things she could not understand it’s the future he said but aren’t you glad she persisted I have such a terrible mistrust of the future but you needn’t be troubled led by any responsibility Clifford would have it as his own he’d be glad she saw him go pale and recoil under this he did not answer shall I go back to Clifford and put a little baronet into ragby she asked he looked at her pale and very remote the ugly little grin flickered on his face you wouldn’t have to tell him who the father was oh she said he’d take it even then if I wanted him to he thought for a time a he said at last to himself I suppose he would there was silence a big Gulf was between them but you don’t want me to go back to Clifford do you she asked him what do you want yourself he replied I want to live with you she said simply in spite of himself little Flames ran over his belly as he heard her say it and he dropped his head then he looked up at her again with those haunted eyes if it’s worth it to you he said I’ve got nothing you’ve got more than most men come you know it she said in one way I know it he was silent for a time thinking then he resumed they used to say I had too much of the woman in me but it’s not that I’m not a woman not because I don’t want to shoot Birds neither because I don’t want to make money or get on I could have got on in the army easily but I didn’t like the Army though I could manage the men all right they liked me and they had a bit of a holy fear of me when I got mad no it was stupid deadhand higher authority that made the Army dead absolutely full dead I like men and men like me but I can’t stand the taddl bossy impudence of the people who run this world that’s why I can’t get on I hate the impudence of and I hate the impudence of class so in the world as it is what have I to offer a woman but why offer anything it’s not a bargain it’s just that we love one another she said Nay Nay it’s more than that living is moving and moving on my life won’t go down the proper gutters it just won’t so I’m a bit of a waste ticket by myself and I’ve no business to take a woman into my life unless my life does something and get somewhere inwardly at least to keep us both fresh a man must offer a woman some meaning in his life if it’s going to be an isolated life and if she’s a genuine woman I can’t be just your male concubine why not she said why because I can’t and you would soon hate it as if you couldn’t trust me she said the grin flickered on his face the money is yours the position is yours the decisions will lie with you I’m not just my lady’s [ __ ] after all what else are you you may well ask it no doubt is invisible yet I’m something to myself at least I can see the point of my own existence though I can quite understand nobody else is seeing it and will your existence have less point if you live with me he paused a long time before replying it might she too stayed to think about it and what is the point of your existence I tell you it’s invisible I don’t believe in the world not in money nor in advancement nor in the future of our civilization if there’s got to be a future for Humanity there’ll have to be a very big change from what now is and what will the real future have to be like God knows I can feel something inside me all mixed up with a lot of rage but what it really amounts to I don’t know no shall I tell you she said looking into his face shall I tell you what you have that other men don’t have and that will make the future shall I tell you tell me then he replied it’s the courage of your own tenderness that’s what it is like when you put your hand on my tail and say I’ve got a pretty tail the grin came flickering on his face that he said then he sat thinking a he said you are right it’s that really it’s that all the way through I knew it with the men I had to be in touch with them physically and not go back on it I had to be bodily aware of them and a bit tender to them even if I put M through hell it’s a question of awareness as Buddha said but even he fought shy of the bodily awareness and that natural physical tenderness which is the best even between men in a proper manly way makes him really manly not so monkeyish a it’s tenderness really it’s C awareness sex is really only touch the closest of all touch and it’s touch we’re afraid of we’re only half conscious and half alive we’ve got to come alive and aware especially the English have got to get into touch with one another a bit delicate and a bit tender it’s our crying need she looked at him then why you afraid of me she said he looked at her a long time before he answered it’s the money really and the position it’s the world in you but isn’t there tenderness in me she said wistfully he looked down at her with darkened abstract eyes a it comes and goes like in me but can’t you trust it between you and me she asked gazing anxiously at him she saw saw his face all softening down losing its armor maybe he said they were both silent I want you to hold me in your arms she said I want you to tell me you are glad we are having a child she looked so lovely and warm and wistful his bowel stirred towards her I suppose we can go to my room he said though it’s scandaless again but she saw the forgetfulness of the world coming over him again his face taking the soft pure look of tender passion they walked by the remoter streets to cerg square where he had a room at the top of the house an attic room where he cooked for himself on a gas ring it was small but decent and tidy she took off her things and made him do the same she was lovely in the soft first flush of her pregnancy I ought to leave you alone he said no she said love me love me and say you’ll keep me say you’ll keep me say you’ll never let me go to the world nor to anybody she crept close against him clinging fast to his thin strong naked body the only home she had ever known then I’ll keep thee he said if thou wants it then I’ll keep thee he held her round and fast and say you’re glad about the child she repeated kiss it kiss my womb and say you’re glad it’s there but that was more difficult for him I’ve a dread of putting children it world he said I such a dread a th future for him but you’ve put it into me be tender to it and that will be its future already kiss it he quivered because it was true be tender to it and that will be its future dot at that moment he felt a sheer love for the woman he kissed her belly and her mound of Venus to kiss close to the womb and the feet of within the womb oh you love me you love me she said in a little cry like one of her blind in articulate love cries and he went into her softly feeling the stream of tenderness flowing in release from his bowels to hers the bowels of compassion kindled between them and he realized as he went into her that this was the thing he had to do to come into Tender Touch without losing his pride or his dignity or his Integrity as a man after after all if she had money and means and he had none he should be too proud and honorable to hold back his tenderness from her on that account I stand for the touch of bodily awareness between human beings he said to himself and the touch of tenderness and she is my mate and it is a battle against the money and the Machine and the insentient ideal monkeyish of the world and she will stand behind me there thank God I’ve got a woman thank God I’ve got a woman who is with me and tender and aware of me thank God she’s not a bully nor a fool thank God she’s a tender aware woman and as his seed sprang in her his soul sprang towards her too in the creative act that is far more than procreative she was quite determined now that there should be no parting between him and her but the ways and means were still to settle did you hate Bera cots she asked him don’t talk to me about her yes you must let me because once you liked her and once you were as intimate with her as you are with me so you have to tell me isn’t it rather terrible when you’ve been intimate with her to hate her so why is it I don’t know she sort of kept her will ready against me always always her ghastly female will her Freedom a woman’s ghastly Freedom that ends in the most beastly bullying oh she always kept her Freedom against against me like vital in my face but she’s not free of you even now does she still love you no no if she’s not free of me it’s because she’s got that mad rage she must try to bully me but she must have loved you no well in specs she did she was drawn to me and I think even that she hated she loved me in moments but she always took it back and started bullying her deepest desire was to bully me and there was no altering her her will was wrong from the first but perhaps she felt you didn’t really love her and she wanted to make you my God it was Bloody making but you didn’t really love her did you you did her that wrong how could I I began to I began to love her but somehow she always ripped me up no don’t let talk of it it was a doom that was and she was a doomed woman this last time I’d have shot her like I shoot a sto if I’d but been allowed a raving doomed thing in the shape of a woman if only I could have shot her and ended the whole misery it ought to be allowed when a woman gets absolutely possessed by her own will her own will set against everything then it’s fearful and she should be shot at last and shouldn’t men be shot at last if they get possessed by their own will a the same but I must get free of her or she’ll be at me again I wanted to tell you I must get a divorce if I possibly can so we must be careful we mustn’t really be seen together you and I I never never could stand it if she came down on me and you Connie pondered this then we can’t be together she said not for 6 months or so but I think my divorce will go go through in September then till March but the baby will probably be born at the end of February she said he was silent I could wish the Cliffords and berther all dead he said it’s not being very tender to them she said tender to them yay even then the tenderest thing you could do for them perhaps would be to give them death they can’t live they only frustrate life their souls are awful in some them death ought to be sweet to them and I ought to be allowed to shoot them but you wouldn’t do it she said I would though and with less quals than I shoot a weasel it anyhow has a prettiness and a loneliness but they are legion oh I’d shoot them then perhaps it is just as well you D well Connie had now plenty to think of it was evident he wanted absolutely to be free of Bertha coup and she felt he was right the last attack had been too Grim this meant her living alone till spring perhaps she could get divorced from Clifford but how if melas were named then there was an end to his divorce how loathsome couldn’t one go right away to the far ends of the Earth and be free from it all one could not the far ends of the world are not 5 minutes from Charing Cross nowadays while the Wireless is active there are no far ends of the Earth Kings of dhomi and llamas of Tibet listen into London and New York patience patience the world is a vast and ghastly intricacy of mechanism and one has to be very wary not to get mangled by it Connie confided in her father you see father he was Clifford’s Game Keeper but he was an officer in the Army in India only he is like Colonel C Florence who preferred to become a private Soldier again Sir Malcolm however had no sympathy with the unsatisfactory mysticism of the famous CE Florence he saw too much advertisement behind all the humility it looked just like the sort of conceit the night most loathed the conceit of self-abasement where did your game keep a spring from asked Sir Malcolm irritably he was a Kia’s son in Tel but he’s absolutely presentable the knighted artist became more Angry looks to me like a gold digger he said and you’re a pretty easy Gold Mine apparently no father it’s not like that you’d know if you saw him he’s a man Clifford always detested him for not being humble apparently he had a good Instinct for once what so malol could not bear was the scandal of his daughters having an Intrigue with a gamekeeper he did not mind mind the Intrigue he minded the Scandal I care nothing about the fellow he’s evidently been able to get round you all right but my God think of all the talk think of your stepmother how she’ll take it I know said Connie talk is beastly especially if you live in society and he wants so much to get his own divorce I thought we might perhaps say it was another man’s child and not mention mela’s name at all another mans what other mans perhaps Duncan Forbes he has been our friend all his life and he’s a fairly well-known artist and he’s fond of me well I’m damned poor Duncan and what’s he going to get out of it I don’t know but he might rather like it even he might might he well he’s a funny man if he does why you’ve never even had an affair with him how have you no but he doesn’t really want it he only loves me to be near him but not to touch him my God what a generation he would like me most of all to be a model for him to paint from only I never wanted to God help him but he looks downtrodden enough for anything still you wouldn’t mind so much the talk about him my God Connie all the bloody contriving I know it’s sickening but what can I do contriving conniving conniving contriving makes a man think he’s lived too long come father if you haven’t done a good deal of contriving and conniving in your time you may talk but it was different I assure you it’s always different Hilda arrived also Furious when she heard of the new developments and she also simply could not stand the thought of a public scandal about her sister and a gamekeeper to too humiliating why should we not just disappear separately to British Colombia and have no Scandal said Connie but that was no good the Scandal would come out just the same and if Connie was going with the man she’d better be able to marry him this was Hilda’s opinion so mol wasn’t sure the affair might still blow over but will you see him father poor Sir Malcolm he was by no means keen on it and poor mellers he was still less Keen yet the meeting took place a lunch in a private room at the club the two men alone looking one another up and down so Malcolm drank a fair amount of whiskey melas also drank and they talked all the while about India on which the young man was well informed this lasted during the meal only when coffee was served and the way wait had gone so Malcolm lit a cigar and said heartily well young man and what about my daughter the grin flickered on mela’s face well sir and what about her you’ve got a baby in her all right I have that honor grinned mellers honor by God Sir Malcolm gave a little squirting laugh and became scotch and lwd honor how was the going a good my boy what good I’ll bet it was haha my daughter chip of the old block what I never went back on a good bit of [ __ ] myself though her mother oh holy Saints he rolled his eyes to heaven but you warmed her up oh you warmed her up I can see that haha my blood in her you set fire to her hay stack all right haaha I was Jolly glad of it I can tell you she needed it oh she’s a nice girl she’s a nice girl and I knew she’d be good going if only some damned man would set her stack on fire hahaa a gamekeeper a my boy Bloody good poacher if you ask me haha but now look here speaking seriously what are we going to do about it speaking seriously you know speaking seriously they didn’t get very far meles though a little tipsy was much the sober of the two he kept the conversation as intelligent as possible which isn’t saying much so you’re a gamekeeper oh you’re quite right that sort of game is worth a man’s while a what the test of a woman is when you pinch her bottom you can tell just by the feel of her bottom if she’s going to come up all right haha I envy you my boy how old are you 39 the Knight lifted his eyebrows as much as that well you’ve another good 20 years by the look of you oh gamekeeper or not you’re a good [ __ ] I can see that with one eye shut not like that blasted Clifford a ly lied Hound with never a [ __ ] in him never had I like you my boy I’ll bet you’ve a good Cod on you oh you’re a Banton I can see that you’re a fighter gamekeeper haha by KY I wouldn’t trust my game to you but look here seriously what are we going to do about it the world’s full of blasted old women seriously they didn’t do anything about it except establish the old Freemasonry of male sensuality between them and look here my boy If Ever I can do anything for you you can rely on me game keeper Christ but it’s rich I like it oh I like it shows the girls got spunk what after all you know she has her own income moderate moderate but above starvation and I’ll leave her what I’ve got by God I will she deserves it for showing spunk in a world of old women I’ve been struggling to get myself clear of the skirts of old women for 70 years and haven’t managed it yet yet but you’re the man I can see that I’m glad you think so they usually tell me in a sideways fashion that I’m the monkey oh they would my dear fellow what could you be but a monkey to all the old women they parted most genially and melis laughed inwardly all the time for the rest of the day the following day he had lunch with Connie and Hilda at some discreet place it’s a very great pity it’s such anly situation all round said Hilda I had a lot of fun out of it said he I think you might have avoided putting children into the world until you were both free to marry and have children the Lord blew a bit too soon on the spark said he I think the Lord had nothing to do with it of course Connie has enough money to keep you both but the situation is unbearable but then you don’t have to bear more than a small corner of it do you said he if you’d been in her own class or if I’d been in a cage at the zoo there was silence I think said Hilda it will be best if she names quite another man as correspondent and you stay out of it altogether but I thought I’d put my foot right in I mean in the divorce proceedings he gazed at her in Wonder Connie had not dared mention the Duncan scheme to him I don’t follow he said we have a friend friend who would probably agree to be named as correspondent so that your name need not appear said Hilda you mean a man of course but she’s got no other he looked in Wonder at Connie no no she said hastily only that old friendship quite simple no love then why should the fellow take the blame if he’s had nothing out of you some men are chivalrous and don’t only count what they get out of a woman said Hilda one for me a but who’s the Johnny a friend whom we’ve known since we were children in Scotland an artist Duncan Forbes he said at once for Connie had talked to him and how would you shift the blame on to him they could stay together in some hotel or she could even stay in his apartment seems to me like a lot of fuss for nothing he said what else do you suggest said Hilda if your name appears you will get no divorce from your wife who is apparently quite an impossible person to be mixed up with all that he said grimly there was a long silence we could go right away he said there is no right away for Connie said Hilda Clifford is too well known Again The Silence of pure frustration the world is what it is if you want to live together without being persecuted Ed you will have to marry to marry you both have to be divorced so how are you both going about it he was silent for a long time how are you going about it for us he said we will see if Duncan Will consent to figure as correspondent then we must get Clifford to divorce Connie and you must go on with your divorce and you must both keep aart till you are free sounds like a lunatic asylum possibly and the world would look on you lunatics or Worse what is worse criminals I suppose hope I can Plunge in the dagger a few more times yet he said grinning then he was silent and angry well he said at last I agree to anything the world is a raving idiot and no man can kill it though I’ll do my best but you’re right we must rescue ourselves as best we can he looked in humiliation anger weariness and misery at Connie Myas he said the world’s going to put salt on my tail not if we don’t let it she said she minded this conniving against the world less than he did Duncan when approached also insisted on seeing the delinquent gamekeeper so there was a dinner this time in his flat the four of them Duncan was a rather short broad dark skinned tacitn Hamlet of a fellow with straight black hair and a weird Celtic conceit of himself his art was all tubes and valves and Spirals and strange colors ultramodern yet with a certain power even a certain purity of form and tone only melis thought it cruel and repellent he did not venture to say so for Duncan was almost insane on the point of his art it was a personal cult a personal religion with him they were looking at the pictures in the studio and Duncan kept his smallish brown eyes on the other man he wanted to hear what the gamekeeper would say he knew already Connie’s and Hilda’s opinions it is like a pure bit of murder said melis at last a speech Duncan by no means expected from a gamekeeper and who is murdered asked Hilda rather coldly and sneeringly me it murders all the bowels of compassion in a man a wave of pure hate came out of the artist he heard the note of dislike in the other man’s voice and the note of contempt and he himself loathed The Mention Of bowels of compassion sickly sentiment Mela stood rather tall and thin worn-looking gazing with flickering Detachment that was something like the dancing of a moth on the wing at the pictures perhaps stupidity is murdered sentimental stupidity sneered the artist do you think so I think all these tubes and corrugated vibrations are stupid enough for anything and pretty sentimental they show a lot of self-pity and an awful lot of nervous self-opinion seems to me in another wave of hate the artists face looked yellow but with a sort of Silent Ur he turned the pictures to the wall I think we may go to the dining room he said and they trailed off dismally after coffee Duncan said I don’t at all mind posing as the father of Connie’s child but only on the condition that she’ll come and pose as a model for me I’ve wanted her for years and she’s always refused he uttered it with the dark finality of an Inquisitor announcing an auto defay ah said melis you only do it on condition then quite I only do it on that condition the artist tried to put the utmost contempt of the other person into his speech he put a little too much better have me as a model at the same time said melis better do us in a group Vulcan and Venus under the net of art I used to be a blacksmith before I was a gamekeeper thank you said the artist I don’t think Vulcan has a figure that interests me not even if it was tufi and tiated up there was no answer the artist was too hay for further words it was a dismal party in which the artist henceforth steadily ignored the presence of the other man and talked only briefly as if the words were rung out of the depths of his gloomy portentousness to the women you didn’t like him but he’s better than that really he’s really kind Connie explained as they left he’s a little black pup with a corrugated distemper said melis no he wasn’t nice today and will you go and be a model to him oh I don’t really mind anymore he won’t touch me and I don’t mind anything if it paves the way to a life together for you and me but he’ll only [ __ ] on you on canvas I don’t care he’ll only be painting his own feelings for me and I don’t mind if he does that I wouldn’t have him touch me not for anything but if he thinks he can do anything with his owlish Arty staring let him stare he can make as many empty tubes and corrugations out of me as he likes it’s his funeral he hated you for what you said that his his tufi art is sentimental and self-important but of course it’s true chapter 19 dear Clifford I am afraid what you foresaw has happened I am really in love with another man and do hope you will divorce me I am staying at present with Duncan in his flat I told you he was at Venice with us I’m awfully unhappy for your sake but do try to take it quietly you don’t really need me anymore and I can’t bear to come back to ragby I’m awfully sorry but do try to forgive me and divorce me and find someone better I’m not really the right person for you I am too impatient and selfish I suppose but I can’t ever come back to live with you again and I feel so frightfully sorry about it all for your sake but if you don’t let yourself get worked up you’ll see you won’t mind so frightfully you didn’t really care about me personally so do forgive me and get rid of me Clifford was not in ly surprised to get this letter inwardly he had known for a long time she was leaving him but he had absolutely refused any outward admission of it therefore outwardly it came as the most terrible blow and shock to him he had kept the surface of his confidence in her quite Serene and that is how we are by strength of will we cut off our inner intuitive Knowledge from admitted Consciousness this causes a state of dread or apprehension which makes the blow 10 times worse worse when it does fall Clifford was like a hysterical child he gave Mrs Bolton a terrible shock sitting up in bed ghastly and blank why sir Clifford whatever’s the matter no answer she was terrified lest he had had a stroke she hurried and felt his face took his pulse is there a pain do try and tell me where it hurts you tell me no answer oh dear oh dear then I’ll telephone to Sheffield for Dr Carrington and Dr Ley may as well run round straight away she was moving to the door when he said in a hollow tone no she stopped and gazed at him his face was yellow blank and like the face of an idiot do you mean you’d rather I didn’t fetch the doctor yes I don’t want him came the sepulcral voice oh but sir Clifford you’re ill and I dare take the responsibility I must send for the doctor or I shall be blamed a pause then the hollow voice said I’m not ill my wife isn’t coming back it was as if an image spoke not coming back you mean her ladyship Mrs Bolton moved a little nearer to the bed oh don’t you believe it you can trust her ladyship to come back the image in the bed did not change but it pushed a letter over the counterpane read it said the sepulcral voice why if it’s a letter from her ladyship I’m sure her ladyship wouldn’t want me to read her letter to you sir Clifford you can tell me what she says if you wish read it repeated The Voice why if I must I do it to obey you sir Clifford she said and she read the letter well I am surprised at her ladyship she said she promised so Faithfully she’d come back the face in the bed seemed to deepen its expression of wild but motionless distraction Mrs Bolton looked at it and was worried she knew what she was up against male hysteria she had not nured soldiers without learning something about that very unpleasant disease she was a little impatient of Sir Clifford any man in his senses must have known his wife was in love with somebody else and was going to leave him even she was sure sir Clifford was inwardly absolutely aware of it only he wouldn’t admit it to himself if he would have admitted it and prepared himself for it or if he would have admitted it and actively struggled with his wife against it that would have been acting like a man but no he knew it and all the time tried to kid himself it wasn’t so he felt the devil twisting his tail and pretended it was the angel smiling on him this state of falsity had now brought on that crisis of falsity and dislocation hysteria which is a form of insanity it comes she thought to herself hating him a little because he always thinks of himself he’s so wrapped up in his own Immortal self that when he does get a shock he’s like a mummy Tangled in its own bandages look at him but hysteria is dangerous and she was a nurse it was her duty to pull him out any attempt to Rouse his manhood and his pride would only make him worse for his manhood was dead temporarily if not finally he would only squirm softer and softer like a worm and become more dislocated the only thing was to release his self-pity like the lady in Tennyson he must weep or he must die so Mrs Bolton began to weep first she covered her face with her hand and burst into little wild sobs I would never have believed it of her lady ship I wouldn’t she wept suddenly summoning up all her old grief and sense of Woe and weeping the tears of her own bitter shagon once she started her weeping was genuine enough for she had had something to weep for Clifford thought of the way he had been betrayed by the woman Connie and in a contagion of grief tears filled his eyes and began to run down his cheeks he was weeping for himself Mrs Bolton as soon as she saw the tears running over his blank face hastily wiped her own wet cheeks on her little handkerchief and and leaned towards him now don’t you fret sir Clifford she said in a luxury of emotion now don’t you fret don’t you’ll only do yourself an injury his body shivered suddenly in an indrawn breath of Silent sobbing and the tears ran quicker down his face she laid her hand on his arm and her own tears fell again again the shiver went through him like a convulsion and she laid her arm round his shoulder there there there there don’t you fret then don’t you don’t you fret she moaned to him while her own tears fell and she Drew him to her and held her arms round his great shoulders while he laid his face on her bosom and sobb shaking and hulking his huge shoulders whilst she softly stroked his Dusky blonde hair and said there there there there then there then never you mind never you mind then and he put his arms around her and clung to her like a child wetting the bib of her starched white apron and the bosom of her pale blue cotton dress with his tears he had let himself go alog together at last so at length she kissed him and rocked him on her bosom and in her heart she said to herself oh sir Clifford oh high and mighty chates is this what you’ve come down to and finally he even went to sleep like a child and she felt worn out and went to her own room where she laughed and cried at once with a hysteria of her own it was so ridiculous it was so awful such a come down so shameful and it was so upsetting as well after this Clifford became like a child with Mrs Bolton he would hold her hand and rest his head on her breast and when she once lightly kissed him he said yes do Kiss Me Do kiss me and when she sponged his great blonde body he would say the same do kiss me and she would lightly kiss his body anywhere half in mockery and he lay with a queer blank face like a child with a bit of the wonderment of a child and he would Gaze on her with wide childish eyes in a relaxation of Madonna worship it was sheer relaxation on his part Letting Go all his manhood and sinking back to a childish position that was really perverse and then he would put his hand into her bosom and feel her breasts and kiss them in exaltation the exaltation of perversity of being a child when he was a man Mrs Bolton was both thrilled and ashamed she both loved and hated it yet she never ruffed nor rebuked him and they drew into a closer physical intimacy an intimacy of perversity when he was a child stricken with an apparent cander and an apparent wonderment that looked almost like a religious exaltation the perverse and literal rendering of except she become again as a little child while she was the Magna Mator full of power and potency having the great blonde child man under her will and her stroke entirely the Curious Thing was that when this child man which Clifford was now and which he had been becoming for years emerged into the world it was much sharper and Keener than the real man he used to be this perverted child man was now a real businessman when it was a question of a Affairs he was an absolute He-Man sharp as a needle and impervious as a bit of Steel when he was out among men seeking his own ends and making good his Cy workings he had an almost uncanny shrewdness hardness and a straight sharp punch it was as if his very paity and prostitution to the Magnum Mata gave him insight into material business Affairs and lent him a certain remarkable inhuman Force the wallowing in private emotion the utter abasement of his manly self seemed to lend him a second nature cold almost Visionary business clever in business he was quite inhuman and in this Mrs Bolton triumphed how he’s getting on she would say to herself in Pride and that’s my doing my word he’d never have got on like this with lady chatly she was not the one to put a man forward she wanted too much for herself at the same time in some corner of her weird Fe female Soul how she despised him and hated him he was to her the Fallen Beast the squirming monster and while she aided and abetted him all she could away in the remotest corner of her ancient healthy Womanhood she despised him with a Savage contempt that knew no bounds the meest [ __ ] was better than he his behavior with regard to Connie was curious he insisted on seeing her again he insisted moreover on her coming to ragby on this this point he was finally and absolutely fixed Connie had promised to come back to ragby Faithfully but is it any use said Mrs Bolton can’t you let her go and be rid of her no she said she was coming back and she’s got to come Mrs Bolton opposed him no more she knew what she was dealing with I need tell you what effect your letter has had on me he wrote to Connie to London perhaps you can imagine it if you try though no doubt you won’t trouble to use your imagination on my behalf I can only say one thing in answer I must see you personally here at ragby before I can do anything you promised Faithfully to come back to ragby and I hold you to the promise I don’t believe anything nor understand anything until I see you personally here under normal circumstances I needn’t tell you that nobody here suspects anything so your return would be quite normal then if you feel after we have talked things over that you still remain in the same mind no doubt we can come to terms Connie showed this letter to melis he wants to begin his revenge on you he said handing the letter back Connie was silent she was somewhat surprised to find that she was afraid of Clifford she was afraid to go near him she was afraid of him as if he were evil and dangerous what shall I do she said nothing if you don’t want to do anything she replied trying to put Clifford off he answered if you don’t come back to ragby now I shall consider that you are coming back one day and act accordingly I shall just go on the same and wait for you here if I wait for 50 years she was frightened this was bullying of an Insidious sort she had no doubt he meant what he said he would not divorce her and the child would be his unless she could find some means of establishing its illegitimacy after a time of worry and harassment she decided to go to ragby Hilda would go with her she wrote this to Clifford he replied I shall not welcome your sister but I shall not deny her the door I have no doubt she has connived at your desertion of your duties and responsibilities so do not expect me to show pleasure in seeing her they went to ragby Clifford was away when they arrived Mrs Bolton received them oh your ladyship it isn’t the happy homecoming we hoped for is it she said isn’t it said Connie so this woman knew how much did the rest of the servants know or suspect she entered the house which now she hated with every fiber in her body the great rambling mass of a place seemed evil to her just a menace over her she was no longer its mistress she was its victim I can’t stay long here she whispered to Hilda terrified and she suffered going into her own bedroom re-entering into possession as if nothing had happened she hated every minute inside the ragby walls they did not meet Clifford till they went down to dinner he was dressed and with a black tie rather reserved and very much the superior gentleman he behaved perfectly politely during the meal and kept a polite sort of conversation going but it seemed all touched with Insanity how much do the servants know asked Connie when the woman was out of the room off your intentions nothing whatsoever Mrs Bolton knows he changed color Mrs Bolton is not exactly one of the servants he said oh I don’t mind there was tension till after coffee when Hilda said she would go up to her room Clifford and Connie sat in silence when she had gone neither would begin to speak Connie was so glad that he wasn’t taking the pathetic line she kept him up to as much haughtiness as possible she just sat silent and looked down at her hands I suppose you don’t at all mind having gone back on your word he said at last I can’t help it she murmured but if you can’t who can I suppose nobody he looked at her with curious cold rage he was used to her she was as it were embedded in his will how dared she now go back on him and destroy the fabric of his daily existence how dared she try to cause this derangement of his personality and for what do you want to go back on everything he insisted love she said it was best to be hackneyed love of Duncan Forbes but you didn’t think that worth having when you met me do you mean to say you now love him better than anything else in life one changes she said possibly possibly you may have whims but you still have to convince me of the importance of the change I merely don’t believe in your love of Duncan Forbes but why should you believe in it you have only to divorce me not to believe in my feelings and why should I divorce you because I don’t want to live here anymore and you really don’t want me pardon me I don’t change for my part since you are my wife I should prefer that you should stay under my roof in dignity and quiet leaving aside personal feelings and I assure you on my part it is leaving aside a great deal it is bitter as death to me to have this order of Life broken up here in ragby and the decent round of daily life smashed just for some wh of yours after a time of Silence she said I can’t help it I’ve got to go I expect I shall have a child he too was silent for a time and is it for the child’s sake you must go he asked at length she nodded and why is Duncan forb so keen on his spawn surely Keener than you would be she said but really I want my wife and I see no reason for letting her go if she likes to Bear a child under my roof She is welcome and the child is welcome provided that the decency and Order of life life is preserved do you mean to tell me that Duncan Forbes has a greater hold over you I don’t believe it there was a pause but don’t you see said Connie I must go away from you and I must live with the man I love no I don’t see it I don’t give tant for your love nor for the man you love I don’t believe in that sort of C but you see I do do you my dear Madam you are too intelligent I assure you to believe in your own love for Duncan Forbes believe me even now you really care more for me so why should I give into such nonsense she felt he was right there and she felt she could keep silent no longer because it isn’t Duncan that I do love she said looking up at him we only said it was Duncan to spare your feelings to spare my feelings yes because who I really love and it’ll make you hate me is Mr mellers who was our gamekeeper here if he could have sprung out of his chair he would have done so his face went yellow and his eyes bulged With Disaster as he glared at her then he dropped back in the chair gasping and looking up at the ceiling at length he sat up do you mean to say you’re telling me the truth he asked looking gruesome yes you know I am and when did you begin with him in the spring he was silent like some beast in a trap and it was you then in the bedroom at the cottage so he had really inwardly known all the time yes he still leaned forward in his chair gazing at her like a cornered Beast my God you ought to be wiped off the face of the Earth why she ejaculated faintly but he seemed not to hear that that scum that bumptious lout that miserable Cad and carrying on with him all the time while you were here and he was one of my servants my God my God is there any end to the beastly loness of women he was beside himself with rage as she knew he would be and you mean to say you want to have a child to a cad like that yes I’m going to you are going to you mean you’re sure how long have you been sure since June he was speechless and the queer blank look of a child came over him again you’d wonder he said at last that such beings were ever allowed to be born what beings she asked he looked at her weirdly without an answer it was obvious he couldn’t even accept the fact of the existence of melas in any connection with his own life it was sheer unspeakable impotent hate and do you mean to say you’d marry him and bear his foul name he asked at length yes that’s what I want he was again as if dumbfounded yes he said at last that proves that what I’ve always thought about you is correct you’re not normal you’re not in your right senses you’re one of those half insane perverted women who must run after depravity the nostalg de la suddenly he had become almost wistfully moral seeing himself the Incarnation of good and people like melas and Connie the Incarnation of mud of evil he seemed to be growing vague inside a nimbus so don’t you think you’d better divorce me and have done with it she said no you can go where you like but I shun divorce you he said idiotically why not he was silent in the Silence of embal obstinacy would you even let the child be legally yours and your air she said I care nothing about the child but if it’s a boy it will be legally your son and it will inherit your title and have ragby I care nothing about that he said but you must I shall prevent the child from being legally yours if I can I’d so much rather it were illegitimate and mine if it can’t be mellers do as you like about that he was immovable and won’t you divorce me she said you can use Duncan as a pretext there’d be no need to bring in the real name Duncan doesn’t mind I shall never divorce you he said as if a nail had been driven in but why because I want you to because I follow my own inclination and I’m not inclined to it was useless she went upstairs and told Hilda the upshot better get away tomorrow said Hilda and let him come to his senses so Connie spent half the night packing her really private and personal effects in the morning she had her trunks sent to the station without telling Clifford she decided to see him only to say goodbye before lunch but she spoke to Mrs Bolton I must say goodbye to you Mrs Bolton you know why but I can trust you not to talk oh you can trust me your ladyship though it’s a sad blow for us here indeed but I hope you’ll be happy with the other gentleman the other gentleman it’s Mr mellers and I care for him sir Clifford knows but don’t say anything to anybody and if one day you think sir Clifford may be willing to divorce me let me know will you I should like to be properly married to the man I care for I’m sure you would my lady oh you can trust me I’ll be faithful to Sir Clifford and I’ll be faithful to you for I can see your both right in your own ways thank you and look I want to give you this may I so Connie left ragby once more and went on with Hilda to Scotland melis went into the country and got work on a farm the idea was he should get his divorce if possible whether Connie got hers or not and for six months he should work at farming so that eventually he and Connie could have some small farm of their own into which he could put his energy for he would have to have some work even hard work to do and he would have to make his own living even if her Capital started him so they would have to wait till spring was in till the baby was born till the early summer came round again the Grange Farm old Hena the 29th of September I got on here with a bit of contriving because I knew Richards the company engineer in the Army it is a farm belonging to Butler and smitham Cy company they use it for raising hay and oats for the pit ponies not a private concern but they’ve got cows and pigs and all the rest of it and I get 30 Shillings a week as laborer Ry the farmer puts me onto as many jobs as he can so that I can learn as much as possible between now and next Easter I’ve not heard a thing about Bera I’ve no idea why she didn’t show up at the divorce nor where she is nor what she’s up to but if I keep quiet till March I suppose I shall be free and don’t you bother about Sir Clifford he’ll want to get rid of you one of these days if he leaves you alone it’s a lot I’ve got lodging in a bit of an old Cottage in engine row very decent the man is engine driver at High Park tall with a beard and very Chapel the woman is a birdy bit of a thing who loves anything Superior Kings English and allow me all the time but they lost their only son in the war and it sort of Knocked a hole in them there’s a long Corky lass of a daughter training for a school teacher and I help her with her lessons sometimes so we’re quite the family but they’re very decent people and only too kind to me I expect I’m more cuddled than you are I like farming all right it’s not inspiring but then I don’t ask to be inspired I’m used to horses and cows though they are very female have a soothing effect on me when I sit with my head in her side milking I feel very soless they have six rather fine herfords oat Harvest is just over and I enjoyed it in spite of sore hands and a lot of rain I don’t take much notice of people but get on with them all right most things one just ignores the pits are working badly this is a Coler District like Tel Only Prettier I sometimes sit in the Wellington and talk to the men they Grumble a lot but they’re not going to alter anything as everybody says the not Darby miners have got their hearts in the right place but the rest of their Anatomy must be in the wrong place in a world that has no use for them I like them but they don’t cheer me much not enough of the old Fighting [ __ ] in them they talk a lot about nationalization nationalization of royalties nationalization of the whole industry but you can’t nationalize coal and leave all the other IND Industries as they are they talk about putting coal to New Uses like sir Clifford is trying to do it may work here and there but not as a general thing I doubt whatever you make you’ve got to sell it the men are very apathetic they feel the whole damned thing is doomed and I believe it is and they are doomed along with it some of the young ones spout about a Soviet but there’s not much conviction in them there’s no sort of conviction about anything except that it’s all a muddle and a hole even under a Soviet you’ve still got to sell coal and that’s the difficulty we’ve got this great industrial population and they’ve got to be fed so the damn show has to be kept going somehow the women talk a lot more than the men nowadays and they are a sight more [ __ ] Shore the men are limp they feel a doom somewhere and they go about as if there was nothing to be done anyhow nobody knows what should be done in spite of all The Talk The Young Ones get mad because they’ve no money to spend their whole life depends on spending money and now they’ve got none to spend that’s our civilization and our education bring up the masses to depend entirely on spending money and then the money gives out the pits are working 2 days 2 and a half days a week and there’s no sign of betterment even for the winter it means a man bringing up a family on 25 and 30 Shillings the women are the maddest of all but then they’re the maddest for spending nowadays if you could only tell them that living and spending isn’t the same thing but it’s no good if only they were educated to live instead of earn and spend they could manage very happily on 25 Shillings if the men wore Scarlet trousers as I said they wouldn’t think so much of money if they could dance and hop and Skip and sing and Swagger and be handsome they could do with very little cash and amuse the women themselves and be amused by the women they ought to learn to be naked and handsome and to sing in a mass and dance the old group dances and carve the stools they sit on and embroider their own emblems then they wouldn’t need money and that’s the only way to solve the industrial problem train the people to be able to live and live in handsomeness without needing to spend but you can’t do it they’re all one track minds nowadays whereas the mass of people oughtn’t even to try to think because they can’t they should be alive and frisky and acknowledge the great God pan he’s the only God for the masses forever the few can go in for higher Cults if they like but let the mass be forever Pagan but the cers aren’t Pagan far from it there are sad lot a deadened lot of men dead to their women dead to life the young ones Scoot About on motorbikes with girls and Jazz when they get a chance but they’re very dead and it needs money money poisons you when you you’ve got it and starves you when you haven’t I’m sure you’re sick of all this but I don’t want to harp on myself and I’ve nothing happening to me I don’t like to think too much about you in my head that only makes a mess of us both but of course what I live for now is for you and me to live together I’m frightened really I feel the devil in the air and he’ll try to get us or not the devil Mammon which I think after all is only the mass will of people wanting money and hating life anyhow I feel great grasping white hands in the air wanting to get hold of the throat of anybody who tries to live to live beyond money and squeeze the life out there’s a bad time coming there’s a bad time coming boys there’s a bad time coming if things go on as they are there’s nothing lies in the future but death and Destruction for these industrial masses I feel my inside turn to water sometimes and there you are going to have a child by me but never mind all the bad times that ever have been haven’t been able to blow the crocus out not even the love of women so they won’t be able to blow out my wanting you nor the little glow there is between you and me we’ll be together next year and though I’m frightened I believe in your being with me a man has to fend and fettle for the best and then trust in something Beyond himself you can’t ensure against the future except by really believing in the best bit of you and in the power beyond it so I believe in the little flame between us for me now it’s the only thing in the world I’ve got no friends not inward friends only you and now the little flame is all I care about in my life there’s the baby but that is a side issue it’s my Pentecost the forked flame between me and you the old Pentecost isn’t quite right me and God is a bit uppish somehow but the little forked flame between me and you there you are that’s what I abide by and will abide by Cliffords and birthers cury companies and governments and the money mass of people all not withstanding that’s why I don’t like to start thinking about you actually it only tortures me and does you no good I don’t want you to be away from me but if I start fretting it wastes something patience always patience this is my 40th winter and I can’t help all the winters that have been but this winter I’ll stick to my little Pentecost flame and have some peace and I won’t let the breath of people blow it out I believe in a higher mystery that doesn’t let even the crocus be blown out and if you’re in Scotland and I’m in the Midlands and I can’t put my arms around you and wrap my legs round you yet I’ve got something of you my soul softly Flaps in the little Pentecost flame with you like the piece of are [ __ ] we [ __ ] a flame into being even the flowers are [ __ ] into being between the Sun and the Earth but it’s a delicate thing and takes patience and the long pause so I love Chastity now because it is the peace that comes of [ __ ] I love being chased now I love it as snow drops love the snow I love this Chastity which is the pause of Peace of our [ __ ] between us now like a Snowdrop of forked White Fire and when the real spring comes when the drawing together comes then we can [ __ ] the little flame brilliant and yellow brilliant but not now not yet now is the time to be chased it is so good to be chased like a river of cool water in my soul I love the Chastity now that it flows between us it is like fresh water and Rain how can men want wearisome to fander what a misery to be like Don Juan and impotent ever to [ __ ] oneself into peace and the little flame a light impotent and unable to be chased in the cool between Wilds as by a river well so many words because I can’t touch you if I could sleep with my arms around you the ink could stay in the bottle we could be chased together just as we can [ __ ] together but we have to be separate for a while and I suppose it is really the wiser way if only one were sure never mind never mind we won’t get worked up we really trust in the little flame and in the unnamed God that Shields it from being blown out there’s so much of you here with me really that it’s a pity you aren’t all here never mind about Sir Clifford if you don’t hear anything from him never mind he can’t really do anything to you wait he will want to get rid of you at last to cast you out and if he doesn’t we manage to keep clear of him but he will in the end he will want to spew you out as the Abominable thing now I can’t even leave off writing to you but a great deal of us is together and we can but abide by it and steer our courses to meet soon John Thomas says good night to Lady Jane a little droppingly but with a hopeful heart. the end