Dave Chappelle – The Russian Mob Story 2024 New Standup

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okay before I did Killing Him Softly when I was 22 HBO gave me the biggest opportunity of my life at that time they gave me a half hour special but this [ __ ] was not like a special you know what I mean it was like generic it didn’t even have a title it was just Dave Chappelle and I shot it in San Francisco at a place called Broadway Studios which is on the second floor of a building and beneath bro Way Studios is a nightclub and the special was only supposed to be 30 minutes and I got ready I practiced I did all the [ __ ] I was supposed to do and and the night that I taped 20 minutes into my 30 minute set I’ll never forget this music music Started blasting from the nightclub underneath you could hear real loud and it [ __ ] my whole show up and I was devastated I was a young man in I really believed in what I was doing and I thought that my dream had been killed so when I got off stage I ran down the steps to the alley behind Broadway Studios and where the control trucks are parked and I kicked that [ __ ] door open and I started yelling at all the producers I was nobody in Show Business just a guy that believed in my I said man you you [ __ ] everything up that [ __ ] music what the [ __ ] were you thinking and there was a a guy who was a big Big Time producer I ain’t saying no names and he stood up and he said Hey kid sit the [ __ ] down he said we didn’t ruin anything he said we made a deal with that nightclub to not play music and they didn’t honor the deal and I said who did honor the deal and he pointed to a guy I’ll never forget it was old white man sitting in the four tourus by himself and he said that guy right there and I didn’t waste no time or ask no questions I went to that Ford tourist and I beat on that window and I said open the door [ __ ] I want to talk to you and that old man looked at me for one second and wisely drove the [ __ ] off and left me in the alley cussing at anybody who would listen and 2 minutes later literally 120 seconds later couldn’t have been any more than that the doors of the kitchen in the alley of that nightclub underneath Broadway Studios flung open and that old man was standing there that same old man with reinforcements he had two big goons with him and he looked at me he was calm as a cumber he said you come here I want to talk to you I didn’t know anything about the streets this age but I found out later in my life that these men were were Russian mobsters and I don’t know what you guys know about the Russian mob but these are the [ __ ] that killed Denzel in Training Day and all the producers knew what I was up against they said Dave do not go in there and I said [ __ ] y’all and I walked right into that kitchen and they closed the doors behind me and it got dark as [ __ ] in there and I knew I’m not dumb I knew I was in a bad situation but you have to understand I believed in what I was doing and I didn’t give a [ __ ] just kept cussing at these [ __ ] telling them how they ruined my life and that old man man couldn’t believe that I was talking all this [ __ ] and as soon as I took a breath he stopped Me Gently he said Hey kid listen your friends lied to you he said we made a deal but your friends never paid me and when he said that I realized I was locked in a kitchen I realized he was telling the truth truth which would make me wrong and the moment the very moment that I realized I was wrong for the first time I was afraid you see it’s a funny thing if you believe you’re absolutely right you can get drunk off the feeling of how right you are it’s why gay people are so mean but I didn’t buckle you guys would have been very proud of me I was scared but I didn’t Buckle I said well then sir I owe you an apology but I believe that no matter what reason that music was playing it ruined my life and that old man looked at me with with sympathy in his eyes and he walked over to me and he he gently placed his hand on my cheek which I got to tell you it’s a very emasculating thing to do I was standing there looking at this nigga’s hand on my cheek like and he said you are a real man and he ta me on my cheek real soft just like that the doors open back up the light from the alley flooded into the kitchen and I just walked out alive I lived to fight another day and in that moment I learned one of the most valuable lessons of my life and I have to share it with you and that lesson is this in your life in any given moment the strongest dream in that moment wins that moment I am a very powerful dreamer yeah I’m not [Applause] lying I dream tonight this very night as a 14-year-old boy and I am living it as a 50-year-old man my dreams are very strong today I walked all around Washington I used to be poor in this city and all day people just said hey Dave hey Dave like they knew me personally and I felt like I knew them and I say to myself my God Dave what a powerful dream but then sometimes sometimes I feel regular just feel like myself maybe I’ll smoke some weed and be some nightclub and feel shy but I look across a nightclub and I’ll see some guy that no one’s ever heard of but this [ __ ] worked all week and got bottle service and his [ __ ] bringing moette with sparklers to them I picture of my mind he’s Persian he’s doing some kind of weird Persian dance and he got six [ __ ] at his table cuz he got so much lior and they all call him saying go Cena go CA and I’ll be looking across the room like oh my God I’m in that guy’s dream I can hear him telling his friends hey how was the club last night man that [ __ ] was fantastic I had bottle service I seen D pel cross Club looking at me like oo who is that and that’s the trick to life you have to be wise enough to know when you were living in your dream and you have to be humble enough to accept when you’re in someone else’s it’s why it’s why I don’t judge between Will Smith and Chris Rock because you guys look at them as big ideas but I look at them as fellow dreamers I can’t judge between them because I see myself in both of them I am Will Smith I am the man that cannot take it anymore and will slap the [ __ ] out of the next person that says a cross word to me or somebody that I love and I am Chris Rock I am the man that can get slapped in front of the whole world world and keep my composure so I don’t [ __ ] anything up that is what men do men make boundaries men enforce boundaries and Men test boundaries and no man tests more boundaries than a trans man when I see a fellow dreamer I give them my utmost respect even if I don’t understand what their dream is I know a dreamer when I see one and I’ve met many powerful dreamers in my life none more powerful than a man who calls himself little nzx I met this [ __ ] at a party I had no idea who he was but the minute he walked in that party I knew I was in his dream everybody in the party was another dream everyone was famous but when that [ __ ] walked in he was dressed like C3PO he was shining and everyone was like oh my god there he is that’s little I didn’t know who he was and for some reason out of all them dream was he walked right up to me and he said I tried to get you in my video I don’t know what the [ __ ] he’s talking about I said what I said what what video and he just looking at me like you know what video and walked away and I watched him walk away I said man I said this nigga’s having a very powerful dream you know what it reminded me of it reminded me of when we was in grade school remember in grade school the teacher would ask everybody what they want to be Timmy Timmy what do you want to be when you grow up and Timmy acted like he had an idea he’d stand up he’ say I want to be a fireman and the teacher would say Timmy that is a beautiful train but Timmy didn’t mean it Timmy said he want to be a fireman cuz deep down Timmy’s attracted to fire by the time he’s 14 years old this [ __ ] is a full-blown pyromaniac playing with kosene and matches like a goddamn expert and then one night he goes downtown with his buddies [ __ ] around with fire and burns a warehouse down and he doesn’t know it but there’s 13 migrant workers from El Salvador and they’re in that [ __ ] they get trapped and then they die in the fire ain’t that a tragedy ah it was an accident he’s only 14 years old but ah he’s black so they try him as an adult and Timmy ends up spending the rest of his life in jail Dream Deferred what about you Billy Billy Billy what do you want to be when you grow up and Billy stands up and he says I want to be president of the United States and te says oh my God Billy Billy that is a wonderful dream and Billy means that [ __ ] Billy does everything right that [ __ ] gets his grades up he joins Student Government he even does extracurricular activities like show choir just to make his resume look good he’s on track to be president but junior year he wipes when he’s 16 he gets his girlfriend pregnant and has to drop out of high school to make in meet but lucky for him the local Walmart’s iring by the time he’s 20 years old this [ __ ] makes assistant manager at Walmart he’s the youngest one in the district he says oh my God if I can keep this up for four more years I could be a manager and if I can keep this up for six more years after that I could even be a regional manager and have as many as three Walmarts under my control and he’s a big picture guy he sees with this path is going so he kills himself [Applause] but what about you what do you want to be when you grow up I don’t want to say cuz I don’t want the other kids to laugh at me who cares if they laugh your dream is yours own your dreams so they can come true say it loud and proud what do you want to be when you grow up little n XX that [ __ ] stood up in front of the whole class I want to be the gayest [ __ ] that ever lived I want to do a music video and slide down a stripper pole all the way to the depths of hell and suck the devil’s dick at 10:00 on BET while all the kids are awaken can see me shockingly that was the only dream that worked out that’s why I’m here tonight in the city where I built the dreams that I live because I wanted to tell you all that they came true and I wanted to thank you all for making the man that I am today yes I am living a very powerful dream every time I come to this city and I stand in front of you I realize that my God man this is not my dream at all it’s yours and I am honored to be in it thank you very much Washington DC I’ll see you next time habit of raping dick breath the [ __ ] has been going on out here keeps get worse just you think it can’t get worse they got Charlie Rose today it’s going to be a quiet morning on the news tomorrow Charlie Rose who’s next Captain Kangaroo everybody is raping like hot cakes I for one I’m starting to get worried you know I’ve been in the show business 30 years I had no idea how much danger I was in it’s really some scary [ __ ] I got to tell you Harvey Weinstein’s probably the first person that I ever looked at a photograph of and was like yeah he rapes not sure this [ __ ] has a choice [Laughter] not a handsome man lot of meat and extra skin on his [Laughter] face yeah he’s ugly you know the sad part is he’s done so well in life he probably doesn’t know he’s ugly you know when you’re good-look everybody will tell you oh you look wonderful you’re so great looking but when you’re ugly you got to figure that [ __ ] out for yourself it’s a lot of putting Clues together who the is is why am I not getting in the club I got all the right [ __ ] [Laughter] on cuz if it was Brad Pit doing that [ __ ] you wouldn’t heard the people girl just come back down like I got the part y yet and yet it is important that I acknowledge l you are absolutely right there you go they got all be mindful of that guys because uh this could happen to any of us could happen to me I can see that can see myself showing up hi am here from my 3:00 a.m. with Mr Weinstein hey Harvey I got your text I’m here to talk about the script seems like a it’s going to be hard to read and Candlelight but I guess I could try sound like a [ __ ] nightmare could you imagine that [ __ ] did you imagine if you was in a business meeting and a [ __ ] pulled their dick out in the middle of the Mee I’ll be like yo yo my man this is the most unprofessional [ __ ] I’ve ever seen in all my days just let me finish jelle I’ll put you in all three Lord of the [Applause] Rings hurry up [ __ ] I have other meetings know I have a 4:30 a.m. in Brett ratner’s house and I believe it’s wardrobe fitting [Laughter] [Music] wow I mean it is really bad out here isn’t it Kevin Spacey’s out here grabbing Men by the [ __ ] I didn’t even know that was possible Jesus Christ he got the guy from Star Trek the Next Generation that’s who he uh that’s what he got well that’s I sound like he was more than that but that’s who that’s who Set It Off 14 years old and Kevin spy cost him at a party which I got to say by the way for the record been to a lot of parties in my day never been to a good one that had 14-year-old boys in it not even when I was 13 you know what I mean who wants to kick it with a bunch of Hubba Bubba chewing [ __ ] like having a good time [ __ ] yeah ironically kid grew up to be gay anyway which means Kevin Spacey can sniff that [ __ ] out like a truffle pick yeah he’s one of me and not the victim blame but it seems like the kind of situation that a gay 14-year-old would get himself into I know I didn’t say that right but it’s true [ __ ] like you know why I say that though cuzz I went to an Arts high school and like all them [ __ ] was gay man like in high school all them dudes was gay and them gay dudes was way more mature than the rest of us and we didn’t know why we just knew they was mature you ever see gay dude in lunch perfect POS n s it EA responsible then take that thermos out he be like what the [ __ ] is that is this [ __ ] drinking wine with lunch we didn’t know what it was cuz we were young boys we just trying to figure out who we were and we didn’t realize these gay dudes was fighting to be who they knew they already were some impressive [ __ ] they were Fearless to gay kids [ __ ] Fearless I’ve never seen a scared gay dude in my life what kind of man has no fear you be tied up in a hostage situation with a gay dude them [ __ ] will still be like I’m thirsty [Laughter] I’m thirsty David I need something to drink well then shoot me I would rather die of a bullet than dehydration [ __ ] I am thirsty I need some [Music] water all jokes aside Kevin spacy shouldn’t have done that [ __ ] to that kid he’s 14 years old and was forced to carry a grown man’s secret for 30 years Jesus Christ he must have been busting at the scenes with that one the saddest part is if he were able to carry that secret for six more months I would get to know how House of Cs ends [Applause] [Laughter] yep ladies and gentlemen these are dark dark dark times New York Times said uh that Louis CK [ __ ] on his own stomach I’ve busted a lot of nut in my day none of them were newsworthy [ __ ] was really gross cuz they didn’t just say it like I said it they didn’t just say jiz on something they said it in that [ __ ] pull it surprise winning style that the New York Times heads was very descriptive like you know what I mean Louis C Sean shot out like a volcano of Massy slowly drizzling down like lava covering his freckled penis as it slowly dripped to a fiery crown of red hair Jesus Christ I’m trying to eat some wos ranch arrows and these [ __ ] is you know the tough part being a comedian knowing the [ __ ] everybody comes up to me like did you know did you know what Lou was doing no [ __ ] I did not know the [ __ ] you think we talk about the comy club hey [ __ ] how’s the weekend great man I’m just jerking off in faces and coming on my own stomach having a good time we know how this business is no I didn’t know they act like we sit around like Greece tell me more tell me more she put up a fight sorry I don’t know the choreography but you get the point you get the point she was intense but Louis was like the turning point I mean you know I all these allegations are terrible Lou was the only say this but [ __ ] it he’s his allegation was the only one that made me like [Music] laugh what you be thinking about cuz all his friends is reading it and he’s jerking off and he’s surprising people he’s [Applause] surprising that’s picture all the comics and comedy just reading they like what it’s terrible I know it’s terrible I’m sorry ladies you’re right you are right but at the same time I mean you know what I me I don’t know Jesus Christ they took everything from Louis I was like I don’t know might be disproportionate I can’t tell I can’t tell this is like we’re it’s hard to be a man one lady said Lou CK masturbating in front of me ruined my comedy dreams word well the I I dare say Madam you may have never had a dream come on man that’s a brittle spirit that is a brittle ass Spirit [ __ ] that [ __ ] is too much just grown ass woman you know what this [ __ ] is like it’s like coel Pro you know what that is it’s a program that the FBI had under Jah hooa and this program one of the many things they did was they would track the sexual habits of anyone they considered an enemy of the state was a lip button that’s why they got all these [ __ ] sex takes with Martin Luther King [ __ ] [ __ ] but lucky for us he actually had a drink you think if Louis CK jerked off in front of doctor can’t be like I can’t continue this movement I’m sorry but the freedom of black people must be stopped I didn’t know this [ __ ] was going to pull his dick out and jerk off like this I just thought we were going to get a couple of drinks and chill Show Business just harder than that them women sound like I hate to say y they sound weak I know it sounds [ __ ] up I’m not supposed to say that but one of these ladies was like Lou c k was masturbating while I was on the phone with him [ __ ] you don’t know how to hang up a phone how the [ __ ] are you going to survive in Show Business If this is an actual obstacle to your dreams I know Louis is wrong ma’am I’m just saying I’m held to a higher standard of accountability than these women are don’t forget who I am don’t forget what I am I am a black dude and don’t ever forget how I got here my ancestors were kidnapped I don’t even know where the [ __ ] I’m from they were put on the bottom of boats they sailed them across the Atlantic many of them died Only the strongest survived and once they got here they beat the human ity out of my people they turned us into Beast of burdens they made us do their work and the irony is hundreds of years later they called us lazy we fought in Civil War we damn near freed ourselves then in reconstruction black people did great my great-grandfather was a very wealthy man but then the black coats came Jim Crow came there was a 100 Years of unspeakable oppression again lynchings all kinds of terroristic acts to keep us in the margins of society yet we still fought and Dr King was born and then things got better 20 years after Dr King was assassinated Michael Jackson was Moon walking on television something something something Barack Obama Donald Trump and now here we all are 400 year nightmare took us 400 years to figure out as a people that white people was weakness the whole time was kneeling during their national [Laughter] anthem that’s a brittle Spirit that’s right [ __ ] on the Rock it’s reg ah what are you doing [ __ ] stand up the vice president of the United States got involved Mike Pence got involved he went to the game himself these [ __ ] will have to stand when they see me and all them football players looked up in the stands and saw Mike Pence is that Mike Pence come on y’all woo tang bow [Laughter] foiled brittle spirit I can kill every white prison in America at one time you know how I do it I would just wait for the Super Bowl right when they sang the national anthem I’d have OJ Simpson walk to the 50 yard line them bad knees is that OJ Simpson on the field what the hell is he doing here oh I know what he’s going to do stop [Laughter] him you got to man the [ __ ] up y’all I don’t mean to be disrespectful CU man I know you’re upset what I said but you know I know you I know you’re right but come on baby it’s me I was right once remember that does anybody remember when I was like missing from show business for 12 years remember when I had like this really popular show when I quit I remember I walked away from $50 million a lot harder than walking away from Lou freckled [Applause] dick I didn’t know that I’d ever work again yeah here I am tonight did my dream die no I remember that [ __ ] you don’t remember that when I quit my show on the way out the door I said something’s wrong in Hollywood I believe they said I smoked crack that’s right I remember remember they called me crazy so really you know you’re right ladies congratulations enjoy it and they coming for you [ __ ] they coming for you one person that’s uncomfortable knows the most uncomfortable [ __ ] in the room the [ __ ] that’s right I was wrer than orgy once nobody [ __ ] me I just walking around like Tom Cruz and the movie just looking and ruin the whole orgy by accident it’s easier to ruin an orgy than you think all you got to do is wait for it to get kind of quiet and then go ew [Laughter] I know I feel bad but I just feel like this is all happening for a reason and ladies I want you to win this fight 10 years ago I might have been scared but you know I got a daughter now so if you win she wins so I’m rooting for you and I agree with you at least ideologically I do I don’t know if the I don’t know if you’re doing it just right but I mean who am I to say I I don’t think you’re wrong I just think that you can’t make a lasting peace this way you got all the bad guys scared and that’s good but the minute they not scared anymore it will get worse than it was before fear does not make lasting peace that’s black people that’s what it is what this city really needs uh without irony I’ll say this the Kure for La is in South Africa you [ __ ] need Truth and Reconciliation with one another because the end of a partti should have been a [ __ ] bloodbath by any metric in human history and it wasn’t and the only reason it wasn’t is because Desmond Tutu and Mandela and all these guys figured out that if a system is corrupt then the people who adhere to the system and are incentivized by that system are not criminals they are victims and that the system itself must be tried but because the how systems work is so compartmentalized as far as information the only way we can figure out what the system is is if everybody says what they did tell them how you participated because men want to help they’re just scared cuz Ben affle tried to help hey what happened to these ladies is disgusting oh [ __ ] you grab a titty of 95 all right fellas I’m out [ __ ] that I ain’t helping I just want to help I want to be a good guy like I can’t even say the word me too anymore the [ __ ] tonight was like Dave I’m going to the comedy club I was like I am also going to the comedy [Laughter] club and I didn’t even know what was happening but I guess I became like a feminist in the last three weeks cuz I can’t watch porn the same like I watch it sometimes but I can’t I can’t click on these [ __ ] thumbnails not with those titles guy crams young girl in the ass with hard R I can’t click on that come on [ __ ] give me something I can click on dude get sucked off by a [ __ ] little person I say to myself takes me hours to find one clip what the hell is this marginally groomed feminist enjoys consensual sex with vaguely homosexual guy penis the same color as mine [Laughter] click you notice a lot of black dudes having get me too I don’t drinks myself you know why though obviously black women go through the same thing right the reason is because black women from slavery won’t tell on us because they know no matter how bad we black dudes are white dudes are very mean they scared to see us get punished my wife is Asian she telling on me in a goddamn second a no [ __ ] up in the Chappelle house and the wildest [ __ ] about it is I live in Trump country I live amongst the ti torch whites poor white people and I’m rich if is ever Pitchfork time [ __ ] I’m in a lot of trouble and nbody is my family believes me I’ve be trying to tell the kids man we got to run these drills they like we don’t want to run your stupid drills too bad son you have to tick torch whites come up what are you guys supposed to do come on dad what are you guys supposed to do squint our eyes and stand next to Mom that’s right [Applause] [Laughter] and what are you going to bring me your gun and your grounds keeper uniform that’s right I’ll go outside and see what they [Music] want it is wild bro where you from man H where you from New York you from where Manhattan Brooklyn you are from Brooklyn aren’t you you look like you can rob somebody with a hammer [Applause] Brooklyn [ __ ] rob you with [ __ ] they find around the house I just got stab with a toothbrush this [ __ ] must be from Brooklyn I’m [ __ ] around yeah man but you ladies are right be honest with you your lives look terrifying to me they do man I know nothing about being a woman but I know fear yo I used to live in New York when I was 17 and I couldn’t even pay my bills you know what I did to make money I used to do shows for drug dealers that wanted to clean their money up one time I did a real good set and these [ __ ] called me in the back room they gave me $25,000 in cash I probably 18 to 19 years old I was scared I thanked them profusely I put that money in my backpack I jumped on the subway and started heading towards Brooklyn at 1:00 in the morning never been that terrified in my life because I never in my life had something that somebody else would want I thought to myself Jesus Christ if [ __ ] knew how much money I had in this backpack they kill me for it then I thought holy [ __ ] what if I had a [ __ ] on me all the time that’s what women are dealing with I’mma tell you right now it’s real talk if them same drug dealers gave me a [ __ ] and said put this in your backpack and take it to Brooklyn I be like [ __ ] I can’t accept [Laughter] [Applause] this I empathize man you know everybody gets mad because I say these jokes but you understand that this is the best time to say them more now than ever and I know there some comedians in the back [ __ ] you have a responsibility to speak recklessly otherwise my kids may never know what Reckless talk sounds like the joys of being wrong I didn’t come here to be right just came me to [ __ ] around it’s hot in here suddenly isn’t it wonder where that heat came [Music] from I wonder what happened to me where did I go for 12 years if I wasn’t raped maybe there’s something else going on maybe these rapes aren’t even the worst of it wouldn’t that be something wouldn’t that be something you can go ahead and go to the bathroom brookly you don’t need to hear this [ __ ] you see that [ __ ] right there he’s under an enormous amount of pressure he is just being big and black with that head dude [ __ ] your [ __ ] is the suspect for everything except white collar crime [Music] sometimes I wouldn’t talk about where I went but y’all don’t even want to know I was gone for a long time [ __ ] I was in the upside down scary being a white dude now isn’t it a little bit no well you’re not going to get me too but you know what I mean it’s funny for black dudes see why people go through this because this is how it always is for us all my heroes is either murdered by the government or register sex offenders sad I know man but we’ve already been through it like Michael Jackson Remember When they said all that [ __ ] about Michael Jackson they never proved anything till his dying day but they said that he did some very heinous things and one time I watched a documentary about it they were talking about all this [ __ ] Michael Jackson allegedly did and as they were saying all these allegations he started showing pictures of his home the Neverland Ranch you ever seen Michael Jackson house on television uh well the short of it is there’s a lot of things for kids to do with that [Laughter] place and I saw the whole thing exotic animals and Ferris wheels and marry go rounds and [ __ ] and the more they showed it the more certain I was that I I don’t think Michael Jackson did any of those things they said he did house didn’t look sexual it looked like he was flossing on those [ __ ] didn’t look like he’s trying to [ __ ] kids it looked like he’s just trying to impress him like this nigga’s Jay-Z for kids he just walking through his house this is my cotton candy machine it makes three tons of cotton candy a day you know all the cotton candy you want this closet is filled with nothing but customade karate slippers Isn’t that cool shall I have my monkey bring us more cupcakes hey guys this watch a movie what movie do you want to see Home Alone Oh No No don’t touch the DVD player mlli C’s here he can act it out come on M act out home alone for my guest and the kids was like man you are all right mister this is fantastic man we had you all wrong H all wrong with I don’t understand what you mean huh oh well you know man we thought it was going to be the usual you’re going to have us come over and give us some wine cooler and you know suck our dicks what suck your oh you [ __ ] ass kidsbody trying to suck your dick [ __ ] I was trying to show you a better life bubbles get these kids the [ __ ] out of my house you’re just like everyone else Hollywood is no place for moral absolutism you know what I mean we must never forget that our Kelly peed on a 15-year-old girl and he also wrote I believe I can fly same guy same lifetime [Laughter] if I showed you that video of him pee on that girl and scored I Believe I Can Fly he’d be torn I used to think that I could not go on you would know how to feel if I can see it it’s okay my career ended many years ago [Applause] [Music] order no I’m terrible I’m terrible I’m sorry everybody I’m sorry you want to know what happened to me it’s tempting but I don’t want to talk about maybe at the end when I run out of things to talk about actually I’m almost there I’m just trying to tell you what happened to me was not it I just didn’t have a good go of it what I don’t know what you guys think happens when you quit a successful show like this I’ll tell you what doesn’t happen they don’t go hey well good luck with your future endeavors that’s not what happens it was cold out there for real I had to watch it all go down without me I had to watch all those people do my show ke and Peele and am schuma and mind menia well I’m not going to say they were doing my show I’m just saying they were awfully similar I was mad and people would come up to me on the street and be like yo [ __ ] every once in a while most people thought I was crazy but sometimes people come yo [ __ ] you did the right thing man you my hero [ __ ] I don’t want to be your hero I want to be rich never choose to be a hero cuz Heroes die uncomfortable deaths all I wanted to be was Paul reveal I just needed one heroic moment you understand pv’s ride was only one night and then 40 Years of him being like hey y’all remember that time everybody was asleep and I was up and the British was coming boy it’s a good thing I was awake [ __ ] everybody be theread that’s why I want to start a GoFundMe for calling kaic I do man I’m fascinated with him I want to make sure he never has to play football again he can’t if he wants to I just don’t want him to have to cuz why the [ __ ] not I know he’s rich and people would be like I’m not giving a gold fund me to a rich dude but you should you should because that motherfucker’s life was going great he’s so light-skinned he didn’t even have to say he was black and yet he took a KNE during that anthem for us thought about us when things were going good when his belly was full when he was he didn’t think about his livelihood or any of that and they took his livelihood away from him I’m like man that shouldn’t be the way it is every [ __ ] person that takes a stand for somebody else always gets beat down and we watch it over and over and over again we watch it but we should pay those [ __ ] for blowing a whistle CU they make our lives better and we could change the narrative we could make one [ __ ] have a good outcome for doing the right thing and that would make another [ __ ] be brave enough to do the right thing and if you did that the [ __ ] like Harvey Weinstein wouldn’t raped for 40 years cuz [ __ ] want a stupid ass partner we should take care of each other would it be nice to be like remember that time they was going to kill Jesus but then he got all that money Real Talk man it’s not a racial thing it’s about us making our society better it’s about like even these women that are coming forward and they say they’re Brave and and many of them are and a few of them a few of them suck the dick and got buyers remorse yeah that’s a huge emission from this narrative this wouldn’t have gone this far and some women weren’t willing to do it you can’t ask every woman to hold the line some women can carry things heavier than others so we should fight for one another we should forgive the ones of us that are weaker and support the ones with us that are stronger and then we can beat the thing you guys keep going after individuals the system is going to stay in attack you have to have men on your side and I’m telling you right now you’re going to have a lot of imperfect allies I’ll tell you what happened but I can’t say it directly there’s a book to me that encapsulates my entire experience before I left the show and the book is called pimp it’s written by a guy named Iceberg Slim here bring it up here this is Matthew Matthew is from France he’s white and yet he has an original copy of this book written by a black American who was a pimp in the 40s Iceberg Slim his real name was Robert Beck he got the name Iceberg because he was in a bar in Chicago and there was a shootout in the bar and a bullet went through this nigga’s hat and he still finished his drink pimps love [ __ ] like that they said man you ice cold and he said I like that and it stuck this book is so heavy in the front it has a glossery of pimp terms because the ideas are so foreign to the American ears for instance do you know what the phrase mileage on a ho [Laughter] means of course you don’t mileage on a ho is a very wild concept it means that pimps understand there’s a finite amount of bad [ __ ] A person can do before they’ll lose their [ __ ] mind and a good pimp can look at a woman that he’s never seen before and call it she’s good for 500 [ __ ] that’s her mileage anything over that that [ __ ] is going to spill they do it to you why the [ __ ] you think most of us work from 9 to 5 9 to6 might kill a [ __ ] iceburg slim was the one that broke down what a bottom [ __ ] was does anyone know what a bottom [ __ ] is anyone what’s the bottom [ __ ] sir it’s your uh it’s your prostitute that’s the best out of all of them that brings in the most money that’s right that’s exactly right are you black that’s right a bottom [ __ ] is A Pimp’s number one ho she’s even a [ __ ] that helps him keep the other [ __ ] in line I will repeat she’s even the [ __ ] that helps him keep the other [ __ ] in line the pimp was McDonald’s and the bottom [ __ ] is french fries the rest of them [ __ ] is like fish sandwiches cherry pies and [ __ ] like [Laughter] that Iceberg Slim breaks down some of the coldest capitalist Concepts I’ve ever heard in my life he describes in detail how these men break women so that they will give them the money that they make with their own bodies there’s a story in here so cold it makes me shutter to think about it Iceberg Slim is trying to control the woman that he finds uncontrollable so he as older pimp how it can rain her in and the older pimp says oh that’s easy Iceberg all you have to do is beat that [ __ ] with a coat hanger and then run her a bath and give her some pills she’ll be so grateful that you fixed her that she’ll forget you were the [ __ ] that beat her in the first place that’s some cold [ __ ] now the End of This Book Iceberg Slim tells the story it’s kind of the crescendo of the book and in the story Iceberg Slim’s bottom [ __ ] is at the end of a mileage if she was good for 500 [ __ ] she was at$ 498 she was bubbling you could see it she was going crazy she started saying all kind of [ __ ] oh I always wanted to be in Circus Circus is [ __ ] is do I can juggle too you know juggle he had to let it go it’s hard to let a go a bottom [ __ ] go and he wasn’t ready to let it go because his organization couldn’t handle losing her but she didn’t know that she didn’t know how important she was so what he did was he called her to a Nina he said look [ __ ] you and I got a part ways she said fine [ __ ] I don’t need you anyway because I know somebody in Ringling Brothers she’s like all right [ __ ] whatever I got one last trick for you it’s a big money trick you do this for me you get paid I get paid and we go our separate ways he said [ __ ] what do you want me to do he said okay there’s a guy in that hotel across the street he waiting for you in room number seven when you go over there and I want you to [ __ ] him but before you do I need you to put some of this stuff in his drink then he’s going to fall asleep when he does this’s briefcase on his bed bring the briefcase to me that’s the trick [ __ ] can you handle it she said [ __ ] yeah I can handle it I can’t wait to get rid of you and she ran outside jumped on the UN cycle and pedal across the street [Laughter] an iceberg washed her he’s like man she’s pretty good man if I never jerked off in the face maybe she would have been in the circus right now she runs up to motel steps and she disappears in the room number seven she’s gone for a real long time real long time so long in fact that Iceberg got a little worried but then suddenly she came back he said what’s going on [ __ ] where’s the briefcase she said I didn’t get it Daddy he said what do you mean you didn’t get a briefcase [ __ ] what’s wrong with you she said I did everything you said but but that man don’t look right something wrong Daddy what do you mean something’s wrong [ __ ] did you put that stuff in his drink she said I did everything you said Daddy I put all of it in his drink he said wait a minute [ __ ] wait a minute you put all of it in his drink now he had to see for himself so the two of them go across the street to the motel and they go into room number seven and on the bed laying lifelessly is the white man that she was supposed to [ __ ] and I say you right [ __ ] she don’t look good what the [ __ ] so he called a friend of his that was a doctor that was close by and the doctor came in gave the guy a thorough examination and told them both what was obvious slim this [ __ ] is dead oh god daddy oh no oh no we killed him he said calm down [ __ ] we didn’t do anything you killed this [ __ ] and then he reached on the bed and he grabbed the briefcase he popped it open it was filled with money more money than any of ever seen nesburg took a little bit of the money and gave it to the doctor and the doctor left discreetly all right [ __ ] let me think I can fix this for you I know somebody I can call but if I call him I’mma owe these [ __ ] a big favor oh god daddy please I don’t want to go to jail neither do I [ __ ] so you shut up she picked up the phone she heard him mumbling in the phone a little bit he hung up the phone and she was pacing the room and he was just standing there cool and they were waiting and they were waiting and suddenly A van pulled up downstairs two guys get out with a carpet they walk upstairs they roll that carpet out on the floor they throw the body in the carpet they roll that [ __ ] up like a burrito they pick that [ __ ] up and they throw it in the back of the van they come back up and Iceberg opens the briefcase again and gives them a little money he says I’ll get in touch with you guys later they said you’re not going to get in touch with us at all we’ll find you he said whatever [ __ ] and they bounced oh god daddy oh God just relax [ __ ] listen we getting the [ __ ] out of here you go downstairs you get the car we got to leave separately she went she got the car Iceberg grabbed that briefcase waited a few minutes looked out the window and then he went down with her they both got in the car and they drove off she was a blubbering mess oh oh we did all this [ __ ] he said I told you [ __ ] we didn’t do anything you killed a [ __ ] and I cleaned him up and now we got a that’s a secret okay I know I’m not going to tell [ __ ] it’s you oh no I ain’t going to tell he said all right baby cool I’m G need you to stay with me for a while till this [ __ ] cools down she goes okay okay okay that’s the game that’s how the whole [ __ ] Works ladies you understand this [ __ ] was at the end of a mileage she was at 498 she ended up tricking for Iceberg for another 6 months she must have turned another 200 tricks for him do you understand some cold [ __ ] and the cold [ __ ] about it is that the dead guy on the bed wasn’t even dead at all this [ __ ] was just a friend of icebergs acting like he’s sleep the doctor wasn’t doctor it was a [ __ ] butcher that happened to have a white coat and the dudes who came in the moving van clothes was dressed like movers because they were movers Iceberg had gotten a new [Laughter] apartment and the bag of money was icebergs money in the first place the money he got from all those women that’s a cold game that’s the [ __ ] capital’s Manifesto and that’s why I went to South Africa so now we got us a little secret [ __ ] you know when I was growing up it’s probably about 8 years old and at the time we were living in Silver Spring yeah yeah common misconception about me in DC a lot of people think I’m from the hood that’s not true but I never bothered to correct anybody because I wanted the streets to embrace me as a matter of fact I I kept it up as a ruse like sometimes I’ll hang out with rappers like Nas and them and these [ __ ] start talking about the projects yo it was wild in the PJs yo and I’ll be like word [ __ ] word but I don’t know I have no idea my parents did just well enough so that I could grow up pour around white people and to be honest when Nas and them talk about the projects [ __ ] I used to get jealous because it sounded fun everybody in the projects was poor that’s fair but if you were pouring Silver Spring [ __ ] it felt like it was only happening to you I know the pain of that first sleepover at a white friend’s house and you come back home on Sunday and just look at your parents like y’all need to step your game up everything in Timmy’s house works remember the first time you saw that the cold winter and you be at a white friend’s house and see the [ __ ] in their living room without their coats on Timmy was one of my first White friends like in my life man he good dude too he moved to Silver Spring from Utah of all places I guess his family was affiliated with that Mormon church they got down there and me and him used to hang out and one day I was at his house we just hanging out and Timmy says Dave why don’t you stay for dinner tonight I said oh man I’d love to but I can’t if I’m not home before dark my mother will kill me that was a lie my mother had several jobs I hadn’t seen her like 3 or 4 days that point in my life it was my experience that white dinner wasn’t delicious I’d rather go home and fry some baloney or some [ __ ] like that but then Old Timmy threw me a curve ball I wasn’t expecting he said oh it’s too bad you can’t stay Dave cuz um Mom uh made Stove Top Stuffing I I said what the [ __ ] stove top well hold on [ __ ] let me make some phone calls real quick I had seen that commercial so many times I had dreamt of getting my hands on some of that stove top stuff and finally I met a [ __ ] that actually had a box of stove top in the house I couldn’t miss this opportunity so I pretended to call my mother and then I came back in I said Timmy Timmy you’re not going to believe this great news mom said I can stay he said fantastic he said why don’t you come with me and we’ll help set the table and then we can save the blessing I had no interest in setting this motherfucker’s table or saying these crazy ass Mormon prayers I just wanted that God damn stuffing the hands first my plan was simple wash my hands slowly and by the time I’m done the table will be set the blessing will be said and all that there will be left to do is he do went to the bathroom I washed my hands very slowly I must have been in there for about 10 minutes and suddenly one of his mothers came to the [Applause] door she was like hi David right I said yes ma’am she said Timmy tells me that you’re planning on staying for dinner I said I hope that’s not a problem ma’am she says no it’s no problem in fact we’d love to have you it’s just that we weren’t expecting company and I’m afraid there’s not enough stov top stuffing for everybody so I kicked her in the [ __ ] bam ladies and gentlemen I told you I’m dope [ __ ] I told you I was going to and you still didn’t see it coming and that’s why I make the big [Applause] bocks oh my God but there’s a more important reason that I would stop doing comedy right now and this reason is the real reason that’s been percolating and and it really is the crowd not you I’m talking about the crowd on the big stage it’s too hard to entertain a country whose ears are so brittle [ __ ] are so sensitive the whole country is turned into [ __ ] ass [Applause] [ __ ] everything you say upset somebody you know I can remember when it all started it was when I was doing Chappelle Show when I was doing Chappelle Show I used to do the show and then on the weekends I do like concerts and [ __ ] like that so I’m doing a concert and there was a couple in the front row beautiful couple the wife wife is obviously Asian you can see it in her face the husband this [ __ ] was mysterious to say the least didn’t quite pinpoint where he was from caramel colored fell very nice hair but it could have been from anywhere Bangladesh Mexico I can’t guess with a [ __ ] like this all I knew for sure about this guy is that his wife was a [ __ ] I could see that in her face too no he was laughing and having a good time and she was scowling at me at a goddamn comedy show I couldn’t figure it out and then I realized at some point that she was pregnant and I was smoking on stage I said oh my God that’s probably why she’s mad so I started to put my cigarette out but then she hit me with one of them fake non-smoker CS so I just kept smoking I thought to myself [ __ ] that baby will be fine relax and I tried to break the tension I just asked her that’s all I said I go hey where you guys from anyway and I could tell that she was on to me she goes very condescendingly she says I’m from California if you asking my ethnicity I am chin he was like I’m Mexican bro I said well I’m sorry if I offended you by asking but you’re a very beautiful couple and Miss there’s no question that you’re going to give birth to the hardest working baby this world has ever seen [Applause] that’s not a bad joke she got very upset she got up to leave immediately but she didn’t just leave she had to take one last dig at me on the way out I will never buy one of your [ __ ] DVDs again Dave Chappelle I said ma’am with all due respect Chinese people don’t buy DVDs and the crowd went crazy we’ve all laughing having a good time I didn’t even think anything of it and then just 3 days later this lady sends a [ __ ] letter to my promoter telling him not to book me for shows anymore because I was quote racist huh and and I’m quoting her insensitive to the nature of my interracial marriage I was like word [ __ ] I was if she she would know that I myself am in an interracial marriage that’s right in fact my wife is Asian too surprise [ __ ] I’ll see you on Thanksgiving but my wife’s not Chinese she’s Filipino that’s right that’s right and our kids are Puerto Rican somehow so there you go I don’t give a [ __ ] about interracial in fact you know what my mother is half white a lot of people don’t know that all right you were a little too excited but okay a lot of people don’t believe me when I say that but it’s true you can’t tell looking at me but if I grew my hair out you would think he was at a [ __ ] Cat Williams concert my [ __ ] is my [ __ ] is beautiful hello for [Music] [Music] that didn’t thr you [Music] don’t that be good L [Music] [Music] here have [Music] you know yeah like to you [Music] still they took though [Music] [Music] right they spee [Music] it’s [Music] about di hair man fore foreign [Music] speee for [Music] spee let it say like a yeah though yeah [Music] [Music] fore [Music] spee don’t [Music] they hand man that for Fore foree spe [Music] byebye [Music]