𝐖𝐞𝐞𝐤𝐞𝐧𝐝 𝐔𝐩𝐝𝐚𝐭𝐞: Colin Jost & Michael Che Roasting People (Part 2) – SNL Compilation

Welcome my channel. Good luck for you

thousands of what are being called penis fish have washed up on the shore of a California beach not only that one kid says he even found one in his mother’s nightstand a man in Kansas was arrested after he was caught having sex with the tailpipe of a car the sex was described as exhausting a new study shows that bont Texas is the least educated city in the country oh man wait until so they don’t read about this in the latest episode of gwenneth potro’s new Netflix show sex love and goop a sexologist explained how people can experience full body orgasms while fully clothed without touching which is also what happens when your mom watches Bridgerton insiders are also saying that during meetings President Biden repeatedly uses the FW in conversations more concerning the FW he keeps using is forget a man in Oregon who had collapsed in his house was saved after his local Domino’s Pizza became concerned he hadn’t called in his regular order and sent a driver to check on him it’s all part of Domino’s new slogan you die when we say you guys Trump advisor Steven Miller also wants to hold migrants seeking asylum in tent cities fun fact tent city is also what Steven Miller gets anytime a girl talks to police in Canada will soon start making people caught drinking and driving listen to Nickelback so let that be a lesson to all you drunk drivers out there make sure the crash kills you it was announced that Creed singer Scott staff will play Frank Sinatra in an upcoming movie but the good news is Sammy Davis Jr will be played by Scarlet Jan the weekend update on Michael CH I’m call good night residents on Staten Island are upset with the local man who keeps a pet horse in his yard saying the animal smells and attracts flies but you know what else smells and attracts flies Staten Island officials at JFK airport say that a suitcase containing more than 100 lb of cocaine was left unclaimed at the luggage carousel for reference here’s what 100 lb of cocaine looks like lawyers for R Kelly who’s being held without baale are complaining that the singer is only allowed to visit with one of his girlfriends at a time worse visiting hours conflict with the schedule of their middle school and in this week’s presidential porno recap Trump’s personal lawyer Michael Cohen who’s definitely a candidate for friend of the Year said that he he used funds from his own home equity line to pay $130,000 to silence Stormy Daniels can anyone in America imagine taking out a home equity loan to help their friend pay off a porn star the best part is you know that right after Cohen settled up with stormy Trump saw another porn star and was like she’s pretty cute too and Cohen’s like dude I’m going to lose my house police in Florida arrested a man in a local Target for masturbating with an Olaf doll worse he let it go UFO enthusiasts have declared that Hillary Clinton is the first ET candidate after she pledged to release government files on UFOs in Area 51 unfortunately the aliens keep all their files on a private email server Joe Biden is now the front runner and just picked up an endorsement from Michigan’s Governor only days before the state’s primary and it makes sense that Michigan would love Biden because it kind of looks like a hand trying to touch a lady’s hair space agency said that the landing of a spacecraft on a comet this week was rougher than they initially thought with the probe bouncing twice before landing only twice said Spirit Airlines experts say experts say that by 2026 Disney plus will surpass Netflix to become the top streaming platform in the world not so fast said PornHub DC DC Comics announced that the new Superman will be bisexual yes they also announced that the Riddler has always been down for whatever by the way can the media please stop getting us all riled up with headlines like will pornstar bring down president is Mueller moving in for the kill just stop teasing us if there’s no payoff I’ll tell the media the same thing I told my high school girlfriend I’m totally fine waiting but then you got to stop rubbing the outside of my pants and I get that it’s hard to pronounce a lot of these names but that’s what makes award shows so fun I mean just imagine John Travolta as he introduces the wickedly talented deito aluan I am I am [Music] all Ukraine president vomir zalinsky made a televised speech during Sunday’s Grammy Awards it was a heartfelt and passion plea to help the people of Ukraine but missed a opportunity for a legendary gii Jane [Applause] joke some military experts have been surprised that despite having Superior Firepower the Russian army has been slowed by aging equipment poor motivation and inept leadership so basically they’re the the Lakers a new lawsuit accuses Burger King of falsely advertising their Whoppers as bigger than what people actually get it’s the same accusation made in the case of women versus Michael Chay many of the members of Congress attending the State of the Union wore blue and yellow to show their support for Ukraine while KLA Harris wore all brown to do what she’s done for the last year disappear into the background after McDonald’s announced it would stop doing business in their country Russians have begun hoarding their sandwiches including some honorary Russians Serena Williams criticized the New York Times after it mistakenly printed a picture of her sister Venus Williams and labeled it as Serena wor the times then sent an apology letter to Wendy Williams intelligence officials are saying that Vladimir Putin is being misinformed by his advisors about how badly the Russian military is performing in Ukraine which is kind of like Will Smith’s agent telling him you crushed it at the Oscars yesterday Will Smith resigned from The Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences he wasn’t going to but then Jada gave him that look after the US ban on Russian oil gas prices hit a record high of $4 and 30 cents a gallon which is so expensive that America we might have to move back in with our ex come on you know we never stop loving you baby if Will Smith had been expelled he would have joined a small group of people kicked out of the academy including Bill Cosby Roman palansky and Harvey Weinstein or as they’re also known bad boys for Life Obama returned to the White House for the first time in 5 years and jokingly he jokingly referred to Joe Biden as vice president hey Barack don’t confuse him fans of the hit HBO show Euphoria have been harshly criticizing the series creator for sexualizing the high school characters plus it’s just not accurate I mean take it from me no one has sex in high school I also really love that the reason they let Will Smith Stay in the audience was that they asked asked Chris Rock and he said it was okay so now he just ask the victim right after they get hit in the head hey you cool if the guy who just attacks you hangs around for a while you don’t want to make him mad again the new HBO show Gilded Age is being praised for highlighting wealthy black families that lived in New York in the late 1800s until they were driven out by wealthy industrialist Colin Jo the first [Applause] I think we should just acknowledge that that was one of the craziest things we will ever see in our lives it’s truly like the Super Bowl wardrobe malfunction but if Janet’s nipple slapped Timberly producers for this year’s Oscars announced that presenters will include John Travolta and Lupita nongo or as Travolta calls her the wickedly talented Luccia barnabus Health officials in Washington DC confirmed that a fox that bit a congressman near the capital had rabies officials suspect the fox contracted rabes when it was bitten by Marjorie Taylor green governors in several States including New Hampshire Ohio and Utah have ban the sale of russian-made vodka no word yet on Brides I think honestly I think a real punishment would be to make Will Smith host next year’s Oscars because trust me nothing will make you question your choices in life more than hosting an award show an alligator in Florida was photographed swimming with a football in its mouth turning now to sports news Tom Brady is missing Tuesday Tuesday was International women’s day so hopefully you remember to smile [Applause] Germany is now joining the EU to send arms to Ukraine which is the first time Germany has ramped up military production since that little six-year Gap in their history books Justice Jackson was honored Friday at a White House ceremony and said we have come a long way toward perfecting our Union which is a direct quote from Ben Affleck’s proposal to JLo it was reported that Queen Elizabeth II has permanently moved out of Buckingham Palace and this is weird in with John Mayor something in this picture is physically impossible Stephen they’re gay okay some ups and downs ups and downs you stabed your husband with a screwdriver you wouldn’t finished building the bookshelf and you stabbed him you don’t even own books but I’m sure we all went through some stuff Savannah GTH has a folding shair from the audience and Trump doesn’t see it noted white feminist Michael CH protects innocent Jewish girl from Gorgeous fascist Colin Jones I used to not like bananas cuz they look like boys wieners if you could find a better place for pork and champagne keep it to yourself you were being weird at the party tonight I was having fun you kept talking to Andrea and Andrea is a [ __ ] here is myd as I lean against a wall I shake it up and down I it all around baby oh no uh you better get there early if you want a good spot to watch the game we’ll just climb inside your cabinets why would you do that hilarious Carrie for viewing of course Christy Brinkley told reporters this week that her marriage to Billy Joel was over long before their divorce the key moment she said came when she realized that she was Christy Brinkley and that she was married to Billy [Music] Joel how do you know Jack what maybe try hitting one [ __ ] that was probably an error which vaccine did he receive he got Mike’s Hard vac F’s hard vaccine yeah that’s definitely not on the approved list can you believe they didn’t kill Obama I thought they was going to kill him for show oh my God the world would be better if I choked you out and hit you in the head with a rock what the hell get out my way get out my way get out my way get out my way hello baby would you like to have sex hey lady will you eat for Madison Wisconsin it’s Amber hi Jane I love you on Glee that’s enough why do I have to take it off my dinner table in front of my kid your racist against whites your racist against whites she is with two black guys Bad Name the South will rise again but when I stand up too fast I pass out to smile the last president ruined everything oh yeah they hung out with porn stars Ser McDonald’s in the White House got into a fight with the Pope wow Hillary got awesome you [Music] mother yeah well uh end of the line time to get off time to go to work well I’m freting up my friend I’m a man who likes the Train the first ball up is screwdriver the next is mustache the next is finger and the last is flood making some nice winning numbers screwdriver mustache finger blood back to you Paw Patrol the movie quick someone call nine fun fun because this hellish film is a skin melting nightmare Theo armed and ready to play armed well that worries me just see Stacy Abrams with the monster puppet yeah I think so okay she like the Dwight shrew to this show hello you ordered 38 boxes of animal crackers here are your animal crackers okay it looks like uh it looks like Carol King and I’m seeing a small Wayne Brady in the corner it was already there yeah we tried to get rid of it guess what you’re never going to find your birth parents I’m I’m not adopted I know who my parents are well all I’ll say is that you know life has the sickest way of revealing to you that you’ve been wrong all along about something you were completely sure of hi I’m Mr Rion and I am a Japanese messy boy like basketball our game day sports upgrade gets you the NBA network and 85 Spanish language soccer channels there is a small group of Rich powerful Japanese women who enjoy watching muscular older American men eat messy food in a sloppy almost childlike way everybody here paid good money to hear this little dragon and his friends do they thing was every sketch perfect yeah pretty much we crushed it every sketch was a 10 no notes it’s like they always say when life hands you a severed head you put the mouth on your Dingus Terrence is from Phoenix and is currently starring in an all male version of Little Women I play best well that’s your opinion but me I’m Ride or Die For [Music] weer Speed your so this is you um that’s me well it’s all of you when when talking to a coworker in the office where should you keep your penis I know Ellen what degenerous sweet gal funny who it is uh Burton Ernie all my holes hurt Ben Laden hey Leslie off zakan love her thank you Sophia and uh what movie are you here to promote [Applause] Pepsi yes that is a s a k and a j all next to each other so that’s a note my name isn’t even really Pat say Jack it’s Jack Say pat they made me change it Nathan’s uncle’s friend Terry you have a duck’s vagina hell yeah play on your mark get set you gavone [ __ ] if you bring your kids even into the mud room of my mother’s house I will break your neck and bury you in the rockaways Jesus Christ nipple is a weird word nipple nipple nipple We Are Farmers hey guys so auditions for the musical are Thursday and we need guys because our only like decent guy singer is Tommy Schwarz and the dude’s acting sucks I had a stage KISS Tommy once and no lie dude’s mouth smelled like a dirty diaper for more information see me brck Campbell or me Tommy Schwarz this man is not famous anymore he does not have any song out please welcome Jason morz so so it’s a Christmas turkey no sir it’s penis and balls of course got it nice job oh my God grandma grandma you’re on the floor what happened am I King no he F oh well good who is flying these things I mean they could fly a plane or a jet nah I want to fly a slow ass dildo across the St I love those guys they’re my brothers NY Liam [Music] Louie and uh Ringo we got a problem here all right and I want to hear a solution let’s go gentlemen stop talking I’m sorry it’s just kind of hard to focus with that guy screaming about his space pants when I say space you say he pant space What last week she got on me about how I wasn’t sweep in the parking lot D night D night I don’t sweep the parking lot she said yes you do like d day I don’t know what I going to do night day whener T night I know what I do day day I do what I do oh wow but drawing Mario isn’t a job St somebody somewhere is drawing Mario and you really expect me to believe that Nintendo has no interest in the man who did this so how about I just go get him uh I’m from Texas when a human stands on their tiptoes the calf muscle naturally flexes yet when I do it there is no physical change in my leg shape don’t believe just watch George Washington wanted the British to tease him and then he went nuts to get low to the sweat job down my ball Domino’s Pizza are you interested in trying new cin bread Dippers Domino’s what are you kidding me they transfer me to Dominoes who Spectrum oh yeah they do this all the time I’ll transfer you to a cancellations rep oh God thank you you you’ve honestly been the most competent person I’ve talked to you today that’s crazy cuz I’m high as hell uh so anyone got big plans for the summertime uh not yet why would they it’s November we’re months away from the summer time hey there Colin just goofing oh yeah got guess I got to go get killed by Andrew this [Music] mukes no rough housing in the spa settle down please now I now I can’t tell him apart which one’s handy you got to be kidding me I don’t know which one to shoot what hey let me just start off by saying you are packing Ford Escort with a dent in the driver’s side door I I’m I’m I’m sorry ma’am if it’s all right right we’d like to share a song David wrote in remembrance of him serial killer he pretty much told me what are you doing what are you doing stop that what is that dude are you hitting on us no but I’d like to hit your face with a red Ronda doy [Music] calls okay guys I think I’m getting it hell sorry that I don’t know who that you are killing me you’re killing me okay here we go final one I’m a friend of a cousin actually this is a cute story we met on a golf course in Scotland when we were get off the [ __ ] how about next Sunday love this joke start start again yeah start again Star Trek George to do a little Rosie P to get me out oh my God said you can do it what why so hard for you to understand I don’t know but can you please stop yelling me you’re starting to stress me out he does love sandwiches everyone loves sandwiches you’re right take the shot don’t take the shot take the shot right now your bar is way up here and you need to put the bar here so it covers your face Patty’s so insightful she’s like Oprah if Oprah was white and really horrible to be around time is almost up just trying to get the last couple answers [Applause] it’s not latching cannot have this conversation right [Applause] now attention swimmer sing it oh that’s MD oh God shut up Sue every we all hate you to drive around all night long contemplating the important questions of life who am I why am I here when I’m done rolling up this booger should I eat it or throw it out the window use it in a sentence please business I’m in the insurance business could you spell the word please no now I’d like to begin today by apologizing on behalf of you to me for how you have treated me these last two weeks and that apology is not accepted cuz I’m not here to be your buddy I’m here to swallow gum and I’m here to take [Applause] nade you got two professionals here we have two lines and we forgot some book Alexandra turn the heat up the room is already 100 de are you trying to kill me Al well he won you know I was happy for him but uh he did that little shrug and I took that personally again oh okay I think I got another five spot on me ,000 this time oh come on man I don’t care that kind of what the kids called cheese I I’ll spot you I’ll spot you oh no that is financially rough for me this is humiliating okay hi guys uh I’m um my name is Roy and uh I um and for the most evil invention in the world contest I invented a uh child molesting robot me slide back to the wall you are blocking the bubble Jets all right now everybody stand back here it goes I can’t do it thank you both what a beautiful hidden gift David had there is more okay now can we rewire it please so I can go have my muffin I haven’t had my muffin yet Matt business b r d t f k l m g h r k w t f n y l i sing my song [Applause] I will punch you in the face if you don’t get off the shed now get off the shed my word’s too big I got to show you in pictures great okay here we go when it comes to these decisions the Constitution gives our president lots of power and Steve Bannon is the key advisor okay and our president will not be deterred let me guess you no not me my Uncle Joe he’s huge and he has a cool haircut oh he slop that oh my God the world would be better if I choked you out and hit you in the head with a rock how is this possible I’m looking at two ident Nick cages well the winner of the Jennifer Anderson lookalike competition brought to you by SmartWater oh and we actually have co-champions it’s Radley Cooper and Ted Palms mat show them where you have to keep your roller blades oh yeah I have to keep like my sports stuff like all the way up okay wait AE oh my God Rick pun in on this please Rick Matt shat America has a Smurf life [ __ ] stamp what oh my oh my God oh my God it’s a full smoke listen to me carefully okay are you a am am I am I a I got a photo shoot with amch magazine that I’m two days late for so thanks for this man I should probably feel something right now but I don’t hold on man hold on hold on man this just don’t feel balanced good God all right get some vitamins man get some sleep y Millennials don’t to take care of yourself W QR t d f p l m k q k w q q q q q q heads up excuse me what are you doing wait what what is this 6 CL sir this side of the pool is for lap swimming only hit it [Music] [Applause] no just believe in yourself Trent why category is things in the sky okay uh Birds oh well it has to be with W I wasn’t told that do we really need to hear them I mean that’s the question I’m wondering well I think David would have wanted y’all to hear this [Music] one here is my butt as I lean against a wall I shake it up and down I punch [Music] okay hey what’s up my dude sorry Donald you’re sing you lugan today when he entered the room the crowd greeted him with a standing ovation which lasted a full 15 minutes and you can check the tape on that everyone was smiling everyone was happy the men all had erections and every single one of the women was ovulating left and right just need you to confirm his identi uh identity you ready yes okay Dan that is uh y me no no okay on mine uh this is my dad and uh this is me over his dead body screaming no the same there are some slight differences personality wise yes for example this Nick is calm and stealthy like a ninja warrior whereas this Nick is an exaggerated screaming psychopath really just doesn’t [Laughter] exist that’s High Praise really good [Music] answer what are you putting in the disposal hun just pictures Good morning [ __ ] the good Lord named me tny pockets and I’ll be your server ass I tried and therefore no one should criticize me all right I’m going to take off yes are you a do you have water it tastes no I do not have hot water tanks o what’s going to happen to me I don’t know don’t know oh my God [Music] [Applause] I am uh this is the head of uh R scorpion damante he is the man that killed my father this is the only known photo of him and I hope to place red xes in his own blood over his eyes when I find him and coincidentally I also have yogurt hey Anga you know who might be coming to our party Obama you uh you you like like him no what got your menus you hungry hungry [ __ ] trying to get you to sit here and watch sh lot with me since we bought this house oh uh stepen and I just watched that oh my God sorry H yeah Queen around shaking that ass Mak freed [Applause] [Applause] forever Tim Tim oh know he’s choking on food I see what’s in your mind and it is stupid dude Matt straight up sucks I fed your snake fetal mice for 10 years after you went to college I would go to Petco and they would say the usual and I’d say yes dead mice bag please um yeah you just keep just keep walking I guess just keep you got to keep walking just just keep walking what are they laughing at no just just there you go just stop right there that’s good that’s good great no just Mo there we go I’m sorry oh you’re good where you are you’re good where you are check out these glutes huh you can crack a tooth on this bumper PJ should probably give herself a break because she’s a good woman um PJ I’m say what’s that red dot on your chest does it follow me when I move yeah okay okay um how how do you feel about gunfire in the [Laughter] home I can’t read audiences what do you guys think of that one write it down on your way out leave read them all take a vot and then Bo my dream as an actor is to appear in every film ever released however until now I’ve only been able to muster a measly 90% bringing shame upon my Dojo I saw his ID he’s 55 that ID is merely an illusion that I use to get senior discounts at Denny’s but for real I’ve been spending time with Pete uh to try to show him that you can have a life in comedy that is not insane uh a sober domes IC life yeah and uh after observing John’s life I publicly threatened suicide well how’d it go I’d say pretty good well I made four new friends and only killed one of them I’d say that’s a pretty good [Music] start open your eyes people hunger racism small businesses it’s like maybe don’t all right any other question questions yeah uh just mentally though are you okay kidding me are you okay great great advice okay all right everybody get up now we’re going over to the dance floor time the Boogie okay can I say one more thing no no no no no h Hit It DJ there’s a body in the bathroom [Applause] aena what about you I am also War okay hold on so basically we have two Gods of War huh I’m also god of wisdom okay great perfect then you know give us your wisdom we could go to war yes bring me war is that a ghost no she was just fired from sleep no more now she wanders the tunnels is she okay oh I’m more than okay I am high on bath salts every night every day in my mind you three are demons if you touch me I eat your face so I text him I go how did it come to be that you sell me drugs and he wrote back I don’t know you just kept asking I you take that back right now you take it back Colin okay or I swear I will go back on our deal to let you marry Scarlet okay I will that’s that’s not what happened you baby trapped her not accurate you baby trapped her not accurate not accurate I it is true not accurate I don’t know who screwed her more you or Disney it’s the unconditional support in being a great mom for me it’s the having 200,000 followers for me it’s the always doing donuts in your Hellcat for me it’s the letting NBA young boys smash at Allstar Weekend for me it’s the always bringing back white Henny from vacation for me for me darling has the bus come yet darling has the bus gone by darling does the bus stop here darling I need the bus darling I need it West darling to the Setting Sun darling I have an interview darling at Fin’s basement darling does the bus stop there darling leave who alone darling leave you alone darling thanks for your time darling it’s Michelle Shian Michelle you got a really intense spray tin are you worried this is a hate crime oh no I’m half Puerto Rican so we in the clear who put my name is you guys I don’t even know what song you pick are you serious Jessica what h [Music] [Applause] love you seriously look I’m all about results search results I Google my dad every day where is he let’s go you think people will be commuting from San Francisco to Mars 6 months from now did I stutter is uh the C taken it was brought him back for one last round never mind can i b any of you ladies up oh come on I really I must object to some of your lyrics You’ve used Queen Latifa three times well what did you say for La I said law the note that follows so damn that’s so lazy yeah Queen Latifa is way better than Dan and I dated for about 5 minutes in college 5 minutes it was a month and two days oh you remember that I have a good memory when’s our anniversary the spring plus there’s Martha Stewart excuse me why aren’t you doing the dishes cuz I’m Martha Stewart you met the Santa like from the Bible so are you still doing your painting Dan no Sally didn’t really support that yeah Sally didn’t want to live on the side of the highway I loved painting then paint the bathroom so you can feel confident no matter who’s watching well Aunt Flo is here better take this piece of dog poop to the bathroom yes Queen a wise woman once said you want a hot body you want a Bugatti you want a magara you better work [ __ ] that woman Mother Teresa Lexi you look absolutely disgusting tonight thank you what are you wearing green and who’s it by Maul okay can you explain this peekaboo moment here oh I don’t have a mom so no one’s honest with me nobody wears a sparkle top and goes painti free under their jean skirt to work at the nuclear plant M get real the Ken is too polite and awesome and beautiful to say it so I will I think you owe her an apology I don’t owe her her a thing we’re dealing with a life and death emergency stop gaslighting me can’t stop does Santa hate me it’s anyone’s gu he said my and I said yes he asked na or nice and I said who’s asking virgin GL to get out of hell for a minute you know Rush limbo has been talking my horns off you know you know I actually got to build a a new sorry what’s that sorry it should have turned it’s my phone oh man what what on the floor of the train there’s also a puddle of unidentifiable [Music] origin I am the liid on the floor m i PE on Mountain Dew don’t worry I’m flowing towards the door just kidding I’m going to touch your shoes he’s a very good boy his favorite pacifier just got recalled though it’s such a bummer he loved it so we had like a dozen of them we still have them in a basket on our counter and I see this look in his eyes all the time of like ah I want to use those but I can’t cuz they could kill me welcome to my world homie yo yo yo check it mustard on the beach y’all you already know what it is since you big I can’t bre for the first time my name is Patron and I’m here to get your hatch snatched when I was born I couldn’t walk couldn’t talk my parents had to carry me everywhere fact but I overcame all those obstacles and look at me today shredded talking you have to ask yourself are you all four or are you a Ferrari I choose both room room you guys got married congratulations yeah we would have invited you guys but somebody had 50 cousins we haven’t seen since the wedding can you please stop referring to me as somebody as soon as you stop treating me like a nobody H earn it Kim who are you wearing um a bunch of clothes are you ready to take the bar exam wait what so then I said hey Santa so you and Mrs Claus never had children with was that a conscious decision or was there like a health issue to or are the elves your children and you keep trying to make a tall one oh no then what happened he asked me what my name was and I said Beth and he said get away from me Beth I don’t think I’m on good terms with Santa Santa [Music] Fishman Roger it’s been forever oh sorry this is my husband Adam Hi heard so many wonderful things about you oh this is our son crispy hi whoa who the hell are you were you from the future wow I’m Pete I’ve been a licensed realtor since I was 18 if I can’t find a house you love it just ain’t out there the name’s Zeke and I’ve been flipping houses for the past 12 years I’m the guy who’ll turn whatever nightmare he finds you into the home of your dreams I’m Tristan and when our parents divorced I was the only one that went to live with our dad is Benedict the hot one or is it this smoldering mystery man with the juicy juicy pink lips okay besides they got crime in England too [Music] right guys guys breathe guys breathe stop sharing air stop chearing Air Guys Rel nice come on come on this is you want a chair can we get a chair I don’t need a chair what no I’m not going to use it what am I going to sit down next to you that would be crazy I can’t if you must know super califragilistic xby alidocious is the disease of the liver it’s very rare and extremely painful goodness how’ you ever learn a word like that Mary pins I have it I have the disase oh is it as fun to have as it is to say Mary Poppins well no come on that’s Pizza no it’s very nearly pizza but not quite it’s almost Pizza see come on let’s eat so it’s a tofu pizza or something like that no you could put tofu on a pizza and still legally call it pizza but don’t call this pizza it’s almost pizza pizza that’s practically Pizza in every way except for a few key ones we come back in time to deliver you a grave warning in the future climate change has turned the planet into an uninhabitable first of all hello um can we talk about this first cuz this is crazy how are our lives going are we rich I’m I had to ask are we rich no actually in a lot of De oh death what they going do dad goes too son goes to work and the son has sex with the mom I don’t think they ever fully grieve the death of our family not really the platform buddy she’s Exquisite but she also lived in Vegas for 11 years your teams up with a game called no harm no vowel we show you movie title with the vowels removed and you guess the movie again real game played by real adults here’s your clue time starts now oh why must the vows be marginalized diminished cast aside in the great sweep of infinity all letters are equal got a guess there Chief uh Titanic visit us and see why Trip Adviser called us a stock photo you can sleep in and why the news called us the place that man did those things we put the hospital in hospitality didn’t even say the joke singer everything you say is just oh I’m in stitches in stitches all the time no um yeah it’s just very funny Colin were we cracking up or what look at Colin look at him cracking up yeah know he’s like what was a very very uh very funny joke the show was not popular why do you think that is I think viewers expected us to focus on a different aspect of the switcheroo you know perhaps seeing the son trying to work at his dad’s office as an astronaut or the dad trying to make the son’s football team instead we focused exclusively on the sexual ramifications of the SC but if we can act now we can avoid total human extinction I don’t care what if you’re what I’m working towards I’d honestly rather just die now come on dig in but it’s food though right come on M Pizza nice one mom hang on here what exactly is this carol it looks like pizza it’s meant to but it’s not if it was pizza it would just say pizza look I’ll eat some how do we know each other were we and Batman together no right mine was Katon then why me and you I just what is that say something we just learned a new word supercalifragilistic expealidocious oh how delightful it’s a disease of the liver Poppins has it it’s spread amongst grownups all right Pacino your turn 10 seconds on the clock finish this quote my friend frankly my dear I don’t give H prostitute my home address introducing Wells for sensitive little boys from Fisher Price Wells for sensitive boys to wish upon confide in and reflect by some boys live unexamined lives but this one’s heart is full of questions I mean this is what happens to me I get divorced so hard I start dressing like Jared Leto you have way too many accessories for a man over 70 and then you look at this guy and it’s just like but I also want to get stuff done that’s why I reach for heroin a the only non-d drowsy heroin on the market so I can get jacked on Scag and then get to work what’s it hard to get the original cast back together well we couldn’t get everyone you know little Andy kunan who played the sun he’s left the business and the rest of the cast though I see almost every week in group Dr Gro says it’s important for me to be there so they can confront me we’re all about the three Rs refurbish Remodel and religion is a drug introducing my little stepchildren I bought my kid a doll and I asked her Lisa are you her mommy and she said mommy where’s the drama in that I’m her Wicked stepmommy every little stepchild comes with a tiny cardboard birth certificate kids can lock inside an ornate chest of drawers I always knew what you were doing in your room but I never wanted to Ure as I respect you look you you know what You’ got something what is on your face it’s me it’s me right right there you know even even Justin timberlay gets bored sometimes you know that’s what I like to think back oh Lord you going to [Applause] sing Little M do you have no idea how to talk to children does it make you feel like a bad person that you can’t mhm it’s never too late to learn with new duo lingo for talking to Children try it Tom it’s getting cold no if anything it’s getting hotter okay what is this carol just eat some hell no I’ll eat it no what the is that coffee it’s an [Music] espresso it’s not bad confident so confident prove them wrong you rock it I rock it you rule the world hell yes I do that’s why you two shots at junk a brain a heart the nerd biod pot bed to see the wizard wonderful wiard where you guys going I mean who do you think you’re fooling with that wig what wig what wig what did you only age from the forehead down show some respect over here stop what the hell happened to you why are you like way more Italian than I am oh way oh way why are you talking like that talking like what this is a tragedy dude I turned into poly walnuts I’d love to but I’m allergic to gluten that must be so hard excuse me could you not I’m allergic to cigarette smoke okay thank you is someone eating yogurt because I am extremely lactose intolerant even though you’re eating it I can get sick are you suffering from a madeup allergy that you invented to get attention then reach for flarin the fake flarin for fake allergies and yogurt in a fridge that gets padlocked at 8:59 a.m. no mercy you can look but you can’t touch you wanted yogurt wake up at 4: [ __ ] the show is set in St Louis but due to legal reasons you shot it in poro prins for a few weeks and then even the Hai were like no dice [Music] y’ all this underwear is making me [Music] tired my cabins close for my big wiener your pinky nail is way that’s a major red flag red flag perfume by Chanel supposed to be romantic oh oh okay romantic no yeah I got this i got this i got this okay come here besides they got crime in England too [Music] right all right no no no no yeah I’m going to call cut on that uh well you don’t care what the kids eat huh excuse me that has high fructose corn syrup in it and well you know the things they say about high fructose corn syrup like what well um that it’s made from corn it’s natural enough and like sugar it’s fine in moderation I guess you guess what that you should have kept your mouth shut it was so weird a a general walked into my office in full military epilat and he said in thick patch I won’t do the voice well I’ll do the voice a little he said no money can make me forget God’s laws and that’s why we’re here now in studio 1A on 100 Switcheroo Avenue Jonestown Guana and in that moment I died a little unto myself but I was reborn as the lizard I was destined to he’s never mentioned this before when Mike was little did you know that he had very here I’m going to he had very juicy little buns and they’re still juicy but I can’t I can’t I mean they’re different now and you also you know you also I’m sure have very juicy buns I’ve seen you and bike shorts and I think you look terrific well thank you that actually means a lot to me but be warned she’s having a hard month every month looking for adventure see the cave every town has a cave I’d love to go but I can’t afford to and I apologize for crying when you stopped by earlier I didn’t sleep well last night my dogs have taken over the bed and the feral cat I rescued it bit me pretty hard so please for me see the cave just having a real hard time with this makeout scene well uh I could give it a try if you like you know just just for fun uh I love it but it’s up to the actors uh yeah yeah okay thank you so much that’s that’s here already love this I never never what never heard of science you know this is a real Jam for me trust scientists or stay-at-home mom Sheila from down the street who’s having wine at 10:00 a.m. I’m sorry let’s just let’s just what make a bigger deal about the corn syrup at this fun party that I’ve invited you to even though I didn’t want to because you say like this so check out other cool new toys for our sensitive boy line like balconies for when they’re ready to announce something or a shattered mirror to examine the complex contradictions of their being that thing’s weird I don’t get it that’s because it’s not for you because you have everything everything is for you and this one thing is for him that is still my let me just no I well I pretty close now okay it’s so tering you come into Focus okay tomorrow is Mother’s Day happy Mother’s Day to the best boy to the best stepmom in the world boy did you write that for me yeah I did that’s wonderful day or night just guess Trevor our lhop SL valet slight manager/ inhouse doctor I will drop your bags I will scratch your car I will watch Joe Rogan videos on my phone no headphones if you’re a man I will tell you where the strip clubs are I will offer to get you cocaine and then I will flake I am chaos with great power comes great responsibility and our responsibility right now is to make sweet sweet love oh so why don’t you go ahead and show me that beautiful little tongue no come on come to [Music] [Applause] papa is that people kiss no Emma no one’s ever kissed like that before and they never will again she’s funny but not funny like haha funny like yikes red flag chase the dragon while I also chase this little guy I’m going to get you wow this might be the first afternoon mom doesn’t need a [Laughter] nap heroin a from the makers of cocaine pm