#RichyThrower #WhatsYourStory #Podcast #ShanazeReade
Welcome to the latest episode of the “What’s Your Story Podcast” with Richy Thrower, powered by Motion Focus Media. Today, we’re thrilled to feature Shanaze Reade, a trailblazing figure in the world of BMX racing and track cycling. As a multi-time World Champion and Olympian, Shanaze has made her mark on the global stage with her incredible talent and determination.
In this episode, Shanaze shares her remarkable journey through the highs and lows of competitive cycling. She delves into her early days, the challenges of breaking into a male-dominated sport, and the dedication it took to reach the top. Her story is one of resilience, hard work, and an unyielding passion for her sport.
Shanaze also opens up about her personal struggles, including the mental and physical challenges she faced throughout her career. She discusses the pressures of competing at the highest level and the importance of mental health and well-being for athletes. Her candid insights offer a profound look into the often unseen side of professional sports.
Additionally, Shanaze reflects on her transition from being an elite athlete to her current endeavours, including coaching and mentoring the next generation of cyclists. She emphasises the significance of giving back to the community and inspiring young athletes to pursue their dreams, regardless of the obstacles they may encounter.
This conversation is an inspiring and honest look at the life of a champion who has not only excelled in her sport but also faced and overcame significant personal challenges. It’s a story of triumph, perseverance, and the transformative power of sports.
Tune in to hear Shanaze Reade’s story, from the thrill of international competitions to the essential topic of mental health in athletics. This episode is a must-listen for anyone interested in the world of cycling, the journey of elite athletes, or the impactful stories of those who have shaped their sport.
[Applause] [Music] testing testing my chck one two let’s go let’s [ __ ] go yeah right mate sha what’s happening how are we very well Rich how are you yeah good nice one for coming down mate oh it’s a pleasure so obviously you’ve done quite a bit in your time yet um multiple World BMX championships SAS celebrity you know there’s a million in one things that you’ve done which I’m sure we’re going to find out about where did it all start obviously your crew you li down the road from us so yeah started at the BMX track Rich yeah all started there well it actually started cuz people used to piss me right off yeah so like I’d go to like my mom had me at 16 from a council state Derby duing crew and I was always looking at the window as a kid like there was always like it’s a bit of a drug Den like there was always like Bongs in the background like just Road men and like I would get up in the mornings like tripping over people and I’d just look out of the window and be like right my options in being in a small town are very limited like my dad’s got about 19 Kids and my mom you know she’s 16 at that like having me and I was like I need to get out but how am I going to get out and then I went to the BMX track like and in between that I would go to all sporting arenas but I had no money so i’ jump over the fence or I would like try and sneak in but all the time would they always say to me you’re going to have to leave you’ve got no parents you got no money and I went to the track and there was a guy called Black Bob and he went yo gang we’ve got this girl and you’re going to look after her and from there my life has just been a bit of a roller coaster and was it can you remember when it was that when it was the M track yeah yeah I always thought it was really good though yeah man yeah it’s all like it’s streaming that but yeah like Bob had like such a good vibe going at the BMX track like it was all volunteer leads we’d go on a Tuesday Thursday and Saturday but like we’ll get into it but I’m an addict I’m I’m a recovering alcoholic but like I didn’t realize that that was my first addiction which was cycling like and I picked up that bite rich and I swear like there wasn’t a night that went by where I wasn’t like in my head thinking I I have me helmet on in like on a little [ __ ] pillow that I got from um pound shop and I’d put my helmet on it and I’d polish it and every day like maybe is it manifestation or what but I just think right how tomorrow can I get better like what can I do to get faster so be on GES remember as GES i’ be tapping in how to get faster stronger and I would literally like Rocky right I’d be with sandbags I’d be like I’d do anything to get stronger and to get faster and I I did that pretty much from the day I started my career at 10 to the day I finished and the biggest thing that drove me was people saying that she’s never going to amount to anything she’s going to be a drug addict she’s going to be a failure and every single time like a teacher would laugh or like you know my parents no one ever watched me in my 20 years of cycling not one parent came to watch me like nobody watched me I went to Beijing Olympics nobody in the audience went to London Olympics my nan ended up going to my mom but they didn’t watch the race and that was the first race theyd ever see me race at and I would just go and I’d use it all as fuel like anything that had happened to me I’d be like right let’s [ __ ] go let’s [ __ ] turn this into something and so like I just thank everyone like all my motivation people ask me like how would you stay driven how would you stay motivated the people ating on me like it’s simple like they say I can’t I say I can and it’s not cuz I’m like egotistical or bigheaded no no I believe in what I’m capable of I know what these legs and this body is going to go and put them put it put themselves through and I’m prepared to go places that people aren’t like similar to you do you know what I mean if you want anything in life got get off your ass and put one foot in front of the other it either goes one on two ways don’t it when people say that stuff like that you either go oh well [ __ ] yeah I’m just [ __ ] or you go well actually I’m going to show you that you’re the Dicker didn’t it so like where did you get your first bike like how did that come about so what made you go from like you say going school what we do what what apart from before the bikes came about what what were you doing you know what did you enjoy doing before and what made you get onto to the bike or even get the first bike I was a weird kid rich like I was a weird kid I’m a weird adult now it never the weirdness never left me but right what it was is I’d see kids my age and I don’t know if I was just born with a bit of an older headed on my shoulder but even as a kid like when kids were playing with like freaking action men or Barbies I’d just be like that’s so boring like and I think it’s my ADHD I’ve got ADHD and I can go into that more but like I’d think like oh like I want to be something like and I was like playing games and whatever then I went to school and then quickly found that I was so far behind everybody else like I couldn’t read W academic no man I couldn’t tell the time till I was about 8 or 9 like I didn’t ride a bike until I was 6 and then I was European Champion by the age of 10 but like I just was so far be and I was so disruptive like I just couldn’t sit still like I would be in a class teacher would be talking to me about algebra and I’d be off like and and in my head I’d be like why do I have to do algebra like so my li My options become super limited like I knew academically I ain’t going down the college and university route and I was like what is it I’m going to be and come become and like I everyone was sort of saying I want to be this and I want to be that and I was like I don’t want to be any of them so when I found Sport and that’s why I tried everything boxing I did canoeing I did Karate I did any single sport that I could actually just anything that I seen I’d always be like going on like line or in the newspaper in The Chronic looking like what new sport or activities on and then when I started like I was like I think I’ve got these genetics like I think I’ve got a bit of a gift and then when I found that I had a gift I was like right here we go like lit I remember thinking like I tell you a quick story right I was coming on from the I remember asking my dad but I started I was doing Athletics and I was number one at Athletics and then I started BMX at the around the same time and I was doing the both but Athletics like running around the circles just did me in so I was like I was like surely like I could do find somewh else but I was really good at it but then when I started BMX I remember asking me dad I was like Dad will you come and watch me like and he was all the time Rich all my life I think I’ve run off like not feeling good enough like not feeling like I’m worthy enough so if I achieve this this will do it if I achieve that that’ll do it so I remember like being really good at BMX I was like my dad will be like well into this like it’s a masculine sport he thought women were just he’s a Jamaican guy and had a disregard for women and he was and I thought BMX is like you know Bly Sport and this will do it he came and watched me and he just says you know what you’re fat and and I won all day as well when I went when he went he says you’re fat you’re lazy and you’re never going to make it like your mother he says you’re a waste of space and that day was the exact day and I still remember it like it’s clear as anything and he was like and I looked at him and I remember smiling and I said okay watch this and then from there my whole career like it was just like if I could bottle that sauce up and sell it I’d be a m millionaire yeah yeah I’m telling you so like all the things that happen in our lives like just trying harnessing them turn them into less 100% everything’s a lesson like 100 so like childhood then obviously you started doing that what what was it like at home and and like you said then it was very OD you know what was sort of going for your head at the time when you would doing all these amazing things as a kid what most adults can’t even do you know even still now like how did that sort of make you feel like and you know how did you get to the places you know like Beijing and London and like stuff like that how did you cuz how how old were you in starting the Olympics at 18 so it’s the youngest cut off like that’s the youngest you could be so then it only got put into the Olympics when I was 17 so it went from being like a non-mainstream sport to then an Olympic sport sort of overnight for me but like I like so how did I get to there with no money and stuff so like Junction 16 on the motorway I was 11 I’ll be started when I was about 11 if I couldn’t get a lift to the race from one of the like the parents at the track I just walked there with my bike my one man tent on my back my super noodles and beans and i’ just for a lift like and I’d get in any man’s Lorry and I was I’d find a way like this is you know like in my life I just think you can always find a solution unless it’s terminal always unless it’s terminal and like so for me I would just be like right and then then I was like I got European Champion pretty quickly when I was 10 and then I was like I want to go to the World Championships like I’m European Champion everyone’s saying I’m going to be you know world champion but I need to go and it was in America and I was like I said to Mom I was like Mom like we’re going the world Champs in America I’m the European Champion I got to go and she’s like got no money and she was like how we and as she said we’ll try like when is it and I said it’s in July and she was like trying to add up her wages and all that and she was like I’m not going to be able to send you and then I asked me Granddad and I think my granddad just thought oh it’s just another sport she’s got into cuz I got into a mall and I was like Grandad can have a new Karate kit Grandad can have and I think Grandad had enough so he was like right and I don’t think like they paid attention really at the beginning and then um the police so my mom came up with a story that a story she came up with a solution to it and she was like I’m going to write the local newspaper and then I’m going to write try and fund raise for you so the local police and crew they got the money together along with the council and they said right we’ve got the money for you so I was buzzing and then they said unfortunately it’s only enough money for you and I was 11 at the time so I was like what does that mean like so that that was it like Mom didn’t go and I went to America on my own at 11 and like I remember thinking like I got to the airport thinking I’ve never been on a plane rich like it was the first time I’d ever I was black pool was my holidays like freaking H like so I was like oh my God so so I got to the airport with all my bags and I’m like how do and then I just Grandad said if you’re in doubt ask someone so I was like excuse me can you tell me where uh the planes go into Louisville Kentucky in America and like I just made it happen went there as well like that FAL I mean maybe I would have been put into Social Services nowadays but you know what I mean back then Rich it cut it but yeah I just found a way that’s mental in it so what did your mom and dad do then like obviously you just said then that your dad said to you about you’d never amount to you know something as good as your mom like what did you what did your parents do for what so my mom back then just like in and out of jobs like and she didn’t have a like a set thing my dad’s never had a job in his life like never worked very um abusive man to his like to women and stuff and yeah they they were sort of yeah my mom and dad but my nan and Granddad was everything to me they ended up taking like by 13 I was fully living with my grandparents um my granddad’s a plasterer and a grafter and he would show me what work was and and then like I grew I feel like I grew up in sport me like I didn’t grow up in in Crew Me house I grew up at the track like yeah yeah discipline like Bob when I went like he wouldn’t take it from me like sometimes there was a bit of a don’t know but I’d answer back in that and like he won’t take it be like clean the containers out like strip the bikes well that’s probably like almost like a father figure is it and like what you should have been taught sort of thing that you maybe got from him do you know what I mean like 100% and because I like not saying me Mom and Dad went around but I used to be a [ __ ] gobshite I still am I still I’m like but even that with the Army like I rocked up to the Army and this was the the first day I turned up and you get like um signed in and stuff like that and you go in there o bags and I just thought right I’ll I’ll be really polite and I’ll just call everyone sir well you shouldn’t [ __ ] do that because as you probably know if you call a staff or like a full screw sh so I went in I was like excuse me sir where do I go and he just turned to me went don’t [ __ ] call me sir I work for a living little [ __ ] so he said [ __ ] get over there so cheeky bastard I was only trying to be polite went [ __ ] get outside now and [ __ ] basing me up but like you learn your lesson there was no off switch you know what I mean yeah but it’s funny I suppose so obviously you did that there and where did you live the docks yeah that’s where that’s where we were and then Nan I went went to live at with my nan and Grandad which just near town anyway it’s not far but like then when that happened I don’t think my family like literally I’d go to school yeah and the p teachers or not just p teachers they’d all be saying why you riding them kids bikes for like and and they would be laughing in my face my best friends would be laughing in my face and he’d say Shin’s not right you know that’s what they used to call me [ __ ] theyd be like she’s not right like she’s obsessed with the bike and that they go out drinking all the time never did that like I never like I just was like I’d got I found some that I loved and wanted to do it more and more and more yeah yeah and my parents like I started making front covers of newspapers like the chronicle to begin with then the front of the telegraph then the front of the daily mail and they were like they started to sort of twig on that I must be pretty good but still like didn’t acknowledge still didn’t acknowledge it yeah and like even still now like I you know like I’ve done quite some successful things drive a nice car and and stuff like that and they they’ve never quite got it like they’ve not understood how they’ve gone from laughing at this little BMX bike and to me going to the Olympics and like you said going on TV shows or whatever like it’s just Shin like they don’t they don’t even like yeah like I can go around and ell chat about the day like oh I’m stressed with him and I’m stressed with that and I’m like I’ve just like been to see the queen and they’re like I don’t give a [ __ ] what you’ve been to see do you know what I mean and so it it kept me very humble like I feel like it kept me very humble but at the same time I felt like sometimes maybe didn’t appreciate or understand what I or your like to get where you are cuz he say like that it’s the running joke in me family Shin don’t know a days work if it on the ass and I’m like mate I’ve been [ __ ] grafing since I’ve been 10 you know what I mean but it’s just not the normal job like people I think people are dead quick to judge and it’s the same for me people always go oh yeah this and that the other again and this that and the other again and oh just [ __ ] focus on this and just get a normal job and this that and the other I’ve always been like [ __ ] I do not want to work for anyone for the rest of me life do you know what I mean why should you it’s the worst and and I proper R myself up but it’s people that have never tried anything outside that box are very quick to go well you shouldn’t be doing that 100 oh you haven’t grafted a day do you know what I mean because they’ve gone and taken bins out for 30 years yeah and you’ve done something totally different they think well you haven’t grafted because they haven’t [ __ ] tried it do you know what I mean whereas they don’t see all them you know walks [ __ ] holding lifts all and timing your own head man like because as much as you can be the 100% confident in your own abilities as a human being we are you know programmed to have that self-doubt and like you’re in the you’re in your own head like like fighting when no one’s looking you get yourself in a r hundred like and so people don’t even see the the psychological impacts that you have to go through to achieve something I think it’s society’s message like societ the societal message trying to keep everyone in this little box right and it’s almost like rude to step out of it and that and I find people like you step out of it and it’s like what are you doing like what gives you the right and it’s like I have every single right to step outside of that societal message in box because like I just feel like everybody’s trapped like and it’s not everyone’s like to me like a winner doesn’t define success by the scoreboard it defines success by getting up and going after whatever makes you happy and drives you if that’s going Tesco every day working a 9 to5 and that genuinely makes you happy sounds happy this is the key to success for me so like but for me so many people aren’t happy so many people are pissed off and not liking what they’re getting yet they’ll throw shade and stones at people that are going outside that box it’s like it’s just to they’re trying to project the [ __ ] that they have 100% yeah but it just fuels me so I love it I love it I’m the same and it’s always that thing where people can’t people can’t when people say to you can’t do this you can’t do that you can’t do this and that same going back to that same thing you go [ __ ] watch me now whereas other people are getting their own head and they go well maybe I can’t oh maybe I can’t do it and this the if I listened to one single person when I was at least 10 say 10 to 12 years of age I I I dread to think what my life would have been yeah like if I would have just got oh yeah you’re right actually these kids bikes are a pile of [ __ ] I would have been I don’t even know I won’t be sitting here doing a podcast with you do you know what I mean so like I just think if anyone is like struggling with self-doubt or or you know like just like really look at the man staring back at you in the mirror or the woman or the you know like staring back at you in the mirror and just be like what is it that you want from yourself not what everybody else is driven by or you know trying to define success by what someone else would think successful but what is your success look like to you and follow that cuz everyone’s sheep’s man like literally like you could park a car right and then on a road someone else will park behind it because it’s literally like everybody’s cloning I ain’t about cloning I was born to stand out not to fit him man and you too is it right yeah so why does everyone want to be the same do you know what I mean because people are scared to do their own thing 100% they ra it’s rather like you say people would rather follow suit and it’s like a trend like Tik Tok mean person does a video 100,000 people will go oh that’s really good I’ll do it with you it’s the same thing is it yeah so at what point then so obviously you know and I suppose what was like the highlight of all of that yeah this is kind of G going to contradict almost what I we were talking about but not so for me 2007 so it was the biggest like so 2008 was the Olympics yeah I was not dropped a lap for I had hadn’t dropped a lap I beat the men I beat the women I hadn’t dropped a lap I was world champion in 2007 but something happened in 2007 that changed the course of what went on in the rest of my career so I was driven off the haters I was driven off my dad and I was D driven off negativity and I remember riding around it was in China the world championships in 2007 I remember winning all day and had me semi-final coming up and I remember speaking to Ste the Dr Steve Peters if anyone knows him he he wrote the chimp Paradox so it’s like one of the bestselling books he’s a psychiatrist and that’s who we used it British cycling I remember riding around I had this feeling in my gut I can’t ever explain it right and I I was like right I’ll shake this off so I went riding around the park and I remember looking up at the like and I was thinking some something not right with me then I burst into tears like this is just before the semi-finals and I thought I’m [ __ ] tired like I’m I’m exhausted not just tired I was exhausted and what not physically mentally and emotionally that’s probably just fighting everyone off over the whole years and years yeah and I remember thinking and I caught my reflection on in the in a glass window and I was walk right around and I remember thinking I’ve done enough like this thing of like one to be get off that window sill like wanting to be successful wanting to prove the hate is wrong I got exhausted like cuz that run was 18e run like to that point like so I remember thinking I’m not I’m not a fail like my dad anymore I’m not a I’m not unsuccessful like I’ve got money in my bank you know what I mean I’ve actually my ego was massive at this point and I actually thought I was amazing like I thought [ __ ] from crew smashed it TI this box TI this box you know what I mean and then I remember just think I went back back into the team area I said to Steve my psychiatrist I said Steve can I have a chat to you he’s like yeah yeah I said I’m done and he looked at me and he was like what you mean you done you got the Olympics in three months and it’s the world championship you’re about to race I said Steve I don’t know what it is I said but I’m tired I said I’m really [ __ ] tired I said like I’ve done I’m raced around the world I’ve raced the men I’ve raced the women I’ve won in a different discipline we can talk about that and I was like a world champion on the vome world champion in BMX I’m National Champion British champion European Champion what what is driving me now like what is driving me and he was like no this kind of thing can happen just you know like he said it can happen before the Olympics like and I looked at him and I said I’m telling you Steve I don’t feel the same as I did before I rode around this park yeah yeah so he said right well how you feeling you got your semi-finals in three minutes so I said yeah yeah I said no worries so I had I developed this Knack right and it’s it’s not it’s not good now i’ look back i’ opened Pandora’s box right so anytime my chips were down I always knew I carried this armor bag with me that I’d open the [ __ ] up and I’d be able to look at some sort of trauma i’ faced as a child and there’s a lot of domestic abuse and stuff I’d look into that box and I’d be like here we [ __ ] go like and I honestly thought I was a machine like I thought I was a machine like you were yeah like that’s what oh you are even yeah I mean I am but you know I’ve got blood running through these days but I just was like um you know I’ll I’ll fire it back up off went won the semi-final and then final time and then everyone was like oh like what’s going to happen so I had this French rival Fe woman come back out retirement and I was like no wor is I’ll get this done give me 10 minutes and I roll around the park warming warming up ready for the final open Pandora’s Box and I was ready so I got on on the gate won and won the world championships by a country mile like and then the olymp picks was next and then what happened there like I kept having this reoccurring dream that something had happened in the last turn always something it was going to happen and I kept telling psychiatrist this before and I say I have this dream he says yeah yeah that’s normal and then obviously went through the day and I remember right so here’s this kid from crew I got to talk to you about the Olympic Village here and I’m walking I’ve never watched the Olympic Games ever I don’t like watching sport I don’t watch sport today like I’ll play any sport but I never watch any sport yeah remember walking in so I thought to myself I need to know what these Olympics are so I went wh Smiths right in crew and I thought right I’m going to read a book on someone who’s an Olympic Athlete cuz I was like I’ve been good at yeah so I was like is it any different so I picked up Usain Bolt’s book and then on the way on the way to Beijing I was reading this book and then I landed we get to the village and I’m not joking you right the village is like Disneyland on steroids but like it’s unreal right so much so I got through and they were cutting the grass with the scissors like to make the because it was in China and every strand of grass in the vill and we’re talking it was Miles like massive the village and they’re cutting it with scissors and like you you couldn’t think of anything like it’s unreal like the village is in insane he just walked off Derby do scissors and then right go through this airport scanner thing and it’s like you check all your bags in and then you saying Bol walks out and I’m like [ __ ] this is the Olympics then Paula Radcliffe right and I’m like I’m the kid from crew and if if I knew what it was then which is imposter syndrome like I thought I shouldn’t be here like I’m from crew and I shouldn’t how have I made it I felt like I’d just like come my way into the Olympics and I was like walking around and I remember thinking this is really different to a World Championships like I’d won was it like eight seven of them by that point and I was like but this feels different yeah yeah then Princess Margaret comes to greet me and she wants to speak to me to wish me luck I was like this is really different half an hour later David Beckham knocks on the door and he’s like massive fan like love BMX he says I’ve come specially to watch you I’m 18 thinking used to collect you in M sticker box you know what I mean I’m like now I’ve really fraudulent committed a fraudulent act so was like what you on about you’re a BMX fan like so it just like completely knocked me off my radar you know what I mean and then like yeah you you can ask me more questions now but I’ll tell you what happens next mad so like that’s insane isn’t it yeah so it went from everybody laughing right why you riding that kid bik [ __ ] David Beckham follows me Princess Margaret I mean she’s pretty up there but like it was just NES I was like I didn’t think any cuz the sport I never felt got the the respect and the recognition it deserved and then it went from that to like royal family and David Beckham coming to like it was loads more other like famous people but they were the two iconic people like that came to me first of all and then from there like even from that then I developed a really good friendship with Gordon Brown because he after what happened in the final I ended up sort of like becoming like the x- factor sub story almost like I’d never call myself that but people were inspired by the will to win at all costs and then like Gordon Brown started I started working for his charity and his wife and like he was like out of all the Olympic performances that was a standout one because of how much heart and guts was in it yeah um but yeah just nuts man that’s so crazy and like even thinking of it now like it was just like I was a deer in the headlights like it just I didn’t expect it like I went from W Smith’s trying to have a bit of a read up on the Olympics to like here we go Showtime literally yeah honestly nuts nuts and I like how did obviously You’ seen all them people then like did your whole mindset on everything change from when you’d got there to like sat on the gate thinking [ __ ] David beckhams just said hello do you know what I mean did it all did it like pressure-wise did it complet did it throw you off with that all massively like it was the first time right so I was one of these kind of people right that was like mental health pull yourself together yeah like what’s wrong with you and until I that was when I first had my first panic attack in Beijing and I remember going back to my room and everyone in my room that I was sharing with so we stay in apartments I had like Victoria Pendleton Rebecca Romero and then a girl called Wendy so they’d gone before me so they’d already raced so Vicki had got three gold medals Wendy had got two gold medals and then um so Rebecca had got two two other gold medals Wendy had got a silver and I was like these are a lot older than me like about 12 12 to 14 years older than me and I was like I’m next like it’s my race next and I was sitting there with all these medals all in in this thing and like the baby of the group like was the youngest person to go the youngest Squad member to go to Beijing and I remember just thinking I’ve really [ __ ] it here like I’ve really [ __ ] it and I was like I didn’t know what was happening to me body but I was like felt like it was shutting down like I couldn’t breathe like and then I was like I’m not going to tell anyone like cuz I felt like if I was going to tell anyone it was going to make me feel less like a robot and I was like I’m a robot like I don’t do this like what’s happening to me I didn’t sleep for three days up to the up to the race like I didn’t sleep like I just was like I at the [ __ ] Olympic games like and and I and I felt right like a performing monkey at Circus like the Olympics for me beautiful event biggest sportting event known to man but to me it felt like we were all on a rodeo show and it was putting on a little performance for the people come to watch and I I just couldn’t get into the groove of it and yeah it was just it was just something that I’ll never forget that first Olympics like it was it should have been like yeah here we go like the biggest race of my life you’re world champion people put so many bets on me like lost thousands of pounds like I was odds on favorite like Chris Hoy he put a massive bet on me like people were like certain like I was sponsored at the time by Red Bull Visa Sky cabis Nike um like just massive sponsors all ready for me to just come home with the medal and I remember thinking I’m 18 and I’ve got this this whole pre internal pressure and external pressure to perform and I was like and was that like on the all like the sponsors and stuff was that the on the squad or was that on you person my personal sponsors so I had more sponsors than any like it was weird again Rich right it went from laughing laughing but it’s never been done before has it so that’s why prob people they just got a bit I think cuz I was maybe my color as well like no one in British cycling was of any like the you know it was a lot of white people and then I I was just this teir away kid from crew that everyone was like ah like you know she’s a pain in the ass to like [ __ ] me she’s like one on the vrum now with Victoria Pendleton then she’s winning up and then like I sort of like I sort of surprise my own self at my capabilities and I was just plowing through everything I was like next one next one and then like the Olympics was just like [ __ ] like I remember just I literally remember thinking right how am I going to handle this and then so what happened crashed through twice so there was six races and I crashed three times out of six races I’ve never crashed in a bite race before unless I’ve like just had a bit of an off yeah I crashed on my own like literally the first one time traal come out the gate time Trail so it was just on my own just me right came into the first turn like I hadn’t hit the first turn that quick and I just wash straight out crash number one but that’s that hurt me crash number one so crash number two came as the race and started I did the first race no it was the first race I crashed in the very first race and I did my hamstring so no one knew this like I tore my hamstring off and then I done some it to my elbow and I was in [ __ ] Agony like I was in so much pain and I was like I’m here now like and then so what happened come around to the finish line and he said we medically withdrew you from the Olympics and I was like what you want about you medically rrw me he says You’ sustained the hamstring injury like you can’t you’re medically now not fa bit so I was like I had 5 minutes so it’s every 5 minutes we’re up again and I was like what do you want about just like I’m fine like I’m all right I can do this he said if you’re going to do this we’re going to have to like you we can’t actually medically supervise you if you crash again I said I don’t care so went off won the next one but it was going to be [ __ ] or bus if I was going to make it to the final cuz of the points and then in the final like all day I didn’t feel like myself like I felt like I was it fell like someone just took me stabilizers off and I was like fing hell like what you do with this the final was the only lap the only lap where I felt like me and I remember going up the stairs right and I looked down at the finish line and I thought in 30 seconds I’m going to be Olympic champion and I’ve never thought about the after because I’ve got to deal with the now but I was thinking about the after before I dealt with the now yeah yeah and I remember looking down and I remember thinking my life’s going to change I’m going to be a [ __ ] rockar like I’ve got all these sponsors going to come home on this plane with the golden nose and the drinking red bll eating c yeah there you go and I thought I’m going to quit then going to be the best and I remember thinking that very quickly and then it was onto the gate and I remember thinking it’s fine I’m all right LED it out did what I did and I executed an amazing start but I’d crashed in that first turn in that first race and and I had I had like a big thingy was yeah yeah could and I knew that I thought right I’ve crashed there just let me stay rubers side up like say rubber side up get out of the first turn and you’re [ __ ] sweet and I remember going in and I thought [ __ ] I could feel the French girl on the inside of me and then as I had gone around the turn it has to drift me up because it was like cuz it had been the year before they built the track it had all started crumbling a bit on the turn yeah so I went in hot so it it drifted me up and I started skipping a bit so she slotted underneath and I remember this was like this race seemed 3 hours bear in mind the race is 32 seconds yeah and I remember thinking everything went in slow motion like the world stopped so I was like [ __ ] I’ve never raced from behind never never raced from behind only raced from the front and I remember thinking right you’re on the back foot now and I thought right let her go then switch to the other side and then Blow by her so I tried that when and then we were neck on neck but she was on the inside of me so I thought right so we go into the second turn then hip on hip let her go in front then I’m like right and I remember thinking in this last turn now am I going to [ __ ] die or I’m going to win right and I was like in my head I was like it’s gold or nothing I thought since being 10 years of age since going up and down Morrison’s [ __ ] doing me Sprint I was like I’m I don’t want a silver medal like I felt disgusted that point in my life I was like I’m a winner so I was like right and I just [ __ ] went for it and I thought I’ve got it so as I took off went to land she’s just in front I thought you’re going to blow into next week here so so I landed and as I or as I was Landing I see on the bottom of the track right so before semi-finals and finals they’ gone and put the airbags out and I looked down as I was landing and I thought you [ __ ] so I’ve had to jump and swerve and as I cuz I was going to clip I was going to be it was going to be fine lining the white line yeah but I clipped the air I was going to clip the airbag and I would spit me over so I swerved out and just plowed into her that’s when my life changed like that that that crash there was the defining moment of making me who I was today but from there was pain yeah like you wouldn’t believe like to fall off at the biggest race like competition that there is it’s like Gladiators isn’t it like and to fall off there be in favorite bearing in mind got all the celebrities there the stadium is full like everyone’s got banners with Go’s Reed like and I was just like I [ __ ] de it so talk about being humbled talk about like like picking yourself back up from the very bottom of the [ __ ] pile you go to wait four more years till the next Olympics it’s not the year after it’s every four years yeah and I was like right what are you how are you going to get back up and that climb from getting back up I reckon it took me 10 years properly to be whole again because I don’t think I was whole to begin with so CU even like I mean I I’ve I’ve I’ve I’ve obviously seen it and like it wasn’t a it wasn’t a big off like do you know what I mean it wasn’t like a Who oh [ __ ] that hurt it was like a little crash but you just lay there do you know what I mean like when you were sat down when when you cuz like I think you had your head down didn’t you you just lay there dead still and I was like what was going cuz I felt straight away I was like what was going through your head when that happened like some died in my soul like and and I’ll tell you about this but some died in my soul and I found it in SAS on the hills in Scotland never thought it would but I found it there back right so [ __ ] far away he would have it was in chat it was in Scotland waiting for me but basically I I crashed and again it’s like the world come to a standstill and I could have jumped back up usually I just jump back up and I wasn’t that hurt to not be able to jump back up but I remember thinking like I I am a failure now like I [ __ ] this like I remember just thinking I can’t I just felt like there was no way to come back like what what am I meant to do go and shake her hands go to the Afterparty like what am I meant to do like I had no family there no and like the time difference like and I just thought like I literally felt like someone set me on fire like I felt like what like that’s me done now that’s me dead on that track and just let me disintegrate into the into the surface and I didn’t know like I’d never found myself in a position with not knowing an answer I didn’t know what I felt I didn’t know what was what was I now like I’d been shattered like I was Chen never lost a bite race I was never beaten by the women so like I had a massive [ __ ] in my armor I was going to be I could be beat so even just thinking of that like I’ve been beat like and that I’ve been to a race i’ never been to a race where I had occupied the podium and I was like I remember hearing the the French national anthem going and I was like that should have been me like yeah and I just think from there I I really I just I made it up like I really made it up and I went home and went got back home flew home and on the plane they shouldn’t have let me they shouldn’t have let me travel like they put it was a piss tape what they did like a real piss tape and they basically had gold medal winners in first class but Ultra first class it was different this plane was Ked out not in a normal way yeah F so they were in upstairs them lot silver medals first class so it was like two versions of first class silver medals first class and it was bronze medals a premium economy right I tore my hamstring from at the top and at the bottom yeah I get on the plane with a pair of crutches like out of my wheelchair then I get on in my crutches and I said to the woman and she we get to the front and she’s like gold medalist this way silver this way and I’m thinking right we at the cattle class so and you can imagine right [ __ ] everyone’s booming up there and US Canon F who’ve just had our dreams ripped out of us are all in this [ __ ] economy and no one spoke and I was like I can’t bend my leg right so anyway it Bri cycling everyone was just listening to the like they were all ramped up about this and I’m like I’m I’m injured here guys that didn’t pay attention so I got home my leg Goes Like Elephant Man right I’m lay on my mom’s sofa and I’m like I don’t feel well mom she said just lie down I’ll get you a blanket and then I woke up vomited everywhere and I was like I don’t some’s not right and me leg was shiny here so Mom whed me to the hospital and I had a blood clot and I ended up staying in late in hospital for a week that I don’t even talk about this cuz like do you know what I mean like you just get on with it but I ended up being in late and a hit and having to have nurse after nurse asked me about the Olympics how are you how do you feel and I’m like how do I feel I feel like I [ __ ] died and like you’re talking to me since I’ve been dug up do you know what I mean and it was like so I spent a week in hospital got the bullet clot under control and then just went dark like and how old were you then 18 18 yeah and I didn’t leave me room for three months like I I came home I got invites from the queen to go to the garden party I got invites to go to f in um Paris fashion week I was getting all these insane things right turned everything down every single thing down I didn’t go to nothing money was coming through me now and granddad’s door right people were sending money champagne they were sending [ __ ] beautiful gifts and I couldn’t accept sing a single one like I felt like the biggest fraud and people would write into me then saying I’m a waste of taxpayers money like she should be dead the black bastard like and and the amount of abuse and I still remember I must have got 20,000 nice ones but these people like whoever the keyboard Warriors was Savage in it Savage I was 18 I was a kid and they were writing stuff that was yeah I wouldn’t even I wouldn’t even put that pen to paper and and write bring myself to write what they wrote about me yeah and I stood there as an 18y old and was like right you know my family they didn’t care if I raced or didn’t race and it was like your back’s against the wall fully now what are you going to do and I was like right still them options are limited like I’m still not academic funny old thing after racing fight it’s not made me any more academic just bang me a few more times so I was like right I’ve got to carry on I’ve got to carry on but that version from 2008 for me I I was like it was almost like Mark two of who I was like I was just doing that off of talent and you know like but it wasn’t out of Heart Like and the heart I had to pull in and dig deep from it hurt me Rich like it it hurt me a lot like I felt like I was just always carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders like if I fail no one’s rescuing me like if I if I lose all my money no one’s rescuing me like if I get you know disabled from a a bike accident no one’s there so I just felt like all the time like I would get up every morning and I was putting that suit of armor on and saying let’s go but like it took a lot out of me and that’s why in the end I just said you know what I mean I’ve got to call it a day but it’s knowing when to stop in in the pursuit of your goal do you know what I mean especially when if you’re not enjoying it anymore and you’re just doing you just you’re doing something because you good at it and not because it’s making you happy definitely you know what I mean and again you just get yourself into a r but I don’t know if it ever made me happy this is the thing and I don’t know if you can look back in your life do you think you were doing it for the wrong reasons do you know what I mean rather than the right one yeah I do I think it was always just to get the approval of my mom and dad like if I’m genuinely s genuinely honest right I honestly think I just needed to find a spot I was good at all sports but I needed to be accepted and I needed to feel like I belong now that could have happened in an array of sports and it I’m not saying I’m the Jack of all but I was pretty good at like sports so like I feel like because it was Bob there it ended up being BMX just because he was there and it was giving me what I was lacking which was that parent that you know like and Manan and gr were great but still like my mom and dad I didn’t get taught a single thing from them do you know what I mean so like when then I I met Bob and and fell into that world I don’t know if I I I never liked BMX you know like it made me train as dirty I didn’t there was elements of the sport that I didn’t like but I was [ __ ] good at it and when I found I was good at it I’d go again and then I you know what I mean it ended up successful but like track cycling I won two gold medals with Victoria Pendleton and broke three World Records I’d never rolled a bike a track bike in my life from six we Mark they laughed at me I asked it British cycl was training in 2007 said said to them what’s this new event that’s added they said Team Sprint and he said it’s going to mirror the men’s and I said right I said that how’ you do it and that and he remember him looking at me and I hadn’t been on a track bike ever never been on one and they they said uh what do you want to know that for and I was like well I’m doing training in the winter cuz I needed to for BMX and I was doing training with them so I was like I just want to know so they were like you just concentrating on getting a bit of winter prep under your belt for your sport like you stick to BMX I thought nah so I said tell me what time I need to do he said you need to do like a world record time would be like 19.8 seconds so I was like right so I said can I try and enter the World Championships he was like you can’t enter the world championships in six weeks so basically so I asked them how long have I got um and so no I said what time to do yeah and he said uh 19 Point like 19.8 seconds or whatever it was so I said next week can I have a test run and they will ask again so I said no I want you to get the start gate out and I want to bash bash out a lap and see where I stand and they were like you’ve never been in the Stargate or anything I was like don’t worry about that I said just let me try it so this was five weeks to go till the World Championships so they get the gate out all standing there ready to laugh at me so I think ready for this I’m ready for this I open up the pipes and I do 19.5 seconds right that’s right they’re laughing silence the Road past and then I he them just we need to see if these timings are right today right that been calibrated yeah yeah yeah so they didn’t still tell was a fraud so they were like right and then they came back and they were like it all changed Rich The Laughing stop all of a sudden oh you’re we’re going out for Te tonight you want to come with us it was literally that can you stay behind this today he said and we can look at your training right so they I stayed behind and they were like right we think that you could stand a chance but we’ve got six other girls in the squad who have a full-time track cyclist who want to be a part of the world championships and you just completely took the piss out yeah so these have been from private schools fully fully kitted out on these bikes right and I was like right so then um Victoria Pendleton was going to ride with the fastest person so she was the fastest woman to in the POS team and then we needed the woman one within three weeks I’d already broken the world record in training so we go to the world championships in Palmer and muor and I’m standing in there and Vicki had won Victoria had won two gold medals in the other events before that then it was like can she go for the Triple right so the news P everything started amping up again Rich Dar andly I was thinking what’s all this about so they were like can and then can you do press with her can you are you going to be able to help her with these three medals yeah I thought well I’ll give it a gold you know what I mean and I remember Vicki was dead nervous right and she was like how do you do it shetes and I went what meem so it was race morning and I said well Vic see this stand these Grand stands filled for about 5,000 people I said imagine them on the on the [ __ ] toilet I said just imagine them sitting on the toilet I was like at the end of the day we’re here in muca riding around in circles on little kids bikes having a great time I was like why are you nervous like what you got to be nervous about push on the pedals and see how it goes and she was like you’re not right shne and I said just keep it simple stupid like do you know what I mean like rip around the track and just be done with it and she was like are you not nervous and I remember saying to her you’re only nervous if you don’t know what you doing and I said I know what I’m doing all I’m doing is pedaling the bite Vicki like how hard can it be so we went on and won the world title and like everyone was like who is this person like Chen Reed like they’ve we’ve never even seen her on a track bike and she stood there winning the world title yeah yeah and that again going back to it was all because they said I couldn’t I never had on my cards wanted to be a track cyclist didn’t give a damn about being a track cyclist but it was the fact that they turned around and said you can’t do it yeah and I was like I’ll show you and it’s not like I just I just believe in my own ability do you know what I mean there’s certain things I’m never going to be an astronaut do you know what I mean but like other never say never actually stranger things have happened um but yeah like I just think like if I believe it in my art I can see it then I can achieve it and I fully believe that like and today everything’s backed up that I have been able to do that do you know what I mean yeah I seen it real over there on Instagram the other week sorry and I always I always look back and share it and it it was a bloke I don’t know who it is or where he was but he just turned around he went how big would you dream if you knew you couldn’t fail love it but it’s right though is it like because if you constantly tell yourself it’s going to work it’s going to go right I’m going to do this anyway it’s going to you will do it course you will like what like what way I see it life’s one big Excursion right we’re all on our way to the sem every single one of us is on our way to the cemetery right some are on Here for a Good Time some are here for a short time or whatever but we’re all on that destination to the cemetery right yeah so when we get there cuz we’re all going to get there like why not get like what stops you like so it’s an Excursion some things you’ll like some things you won’t like but like who is that voice in your head is the strongest and most powerful voice it’s the strongest weapon you’ve got available to you so if you hear a thousand people tell you know what like what are who are them people what do they know what’s on your head so like for me if I honestly the the easiest thing for me to achieve a goal is just look in the mirror and say what you got like are you going to bring it and I just think like yes cuz I’m here I’m going on the way to the cemetery could never be here what you know what I mean I might not experience all this hopefully we do in an afterlife but like I’m like let’s [ __ ] go like if I fall on my face at the Olympic Games the biggest sporting event known to man I survived I got over it and it’s made me a more rounded robust person so [ __ ] just go for it yeah exactly like I just think whatever you want to achieve what stops you a qualification a bit of hard graft what stops you and it’s you you you and it’s only temporary like you’re going to once you get there like it’s like put in the graft like what’s life about what to exist just PL along and then never get tired and fatigue yourself like [ __ ] open the wings up and go do you know what I mean and if you f and learn from it and see how you go again cuz I just think like we’re all we can all be tired we can all not be ass but like you get what you get so like why not just be a bit tired for a bit longer and you know it’s going to pay off and you’re going to be living the life you want to or you’re going to achieve something you thought or people thought was you know a joke I just I don’t see it like anything that I want to do like the book I wrote last year it was all purely because right I tell you where the book did really come from why I wrote the book so my dad’s dying of cancer right and I heard about this about a year ago I was on a cruise ship and the I get a phone call first phone call of this cruise trip was that Manan had a stroke the day before that I had three phone calls that was very uh pivotal so the first phone call was my brother’s gone to prison for life second phone call like two days later Jan’s had a Strokes in hospital and the third phone call came in and I was like right and I just think like life chucks at you and changes the course of things but it’s how you respond to it like it’s [ __ ] how you respond to it do you know what I mean and with all that it’s like right we are here for a short time like and if you really sit down and and look at yourself in the mirror like not what anyone else thinks no one knows you better than you no psychiatrist no Mom no Dad we spend 24 hours seven days a week in this vessel only me only you spend it in yours like and I just think like whatever you want to achieve no matter who’s laughing who’s not laughing just go for it yeah if you can’t if you don’t think it’s possible why would anyone else think it’s possible exactly like no one thought electricity was possible until he I think his name’s Thomas W it Thomas did come up with it yeah yeah yeah so like no one thought it was possible no one thought like you know what I mean like so I just think it’s possible once it’s done and someone’s got to do it and why not you so like and and if you haven’t got the minerals don’t even bother entertaining yourself don’t the biggest thing I always say is don’t [ __ ] your own self yeah because you will get found out what happened Rich right I do the do me old race career I get [ __ ] exhausted was that goal ever really mine or was it for a different course like or was it because that goal was going to make me happy it wasn’t and then funny old thing the mass fell off and I [ __ ] didn’t I hated BMX then yeah but like I just think as long as you’re integral and true to yourself and you can feel it and believe it in your are roll them sleeves up you’re on the way to the sem [ __ ] go do you know what I mean yeah don’t and and not be one of these people who’s smoking mirrors like and me and you chat about this a lot there you go right so like you can you can I atte that saying fake it till you make it I really do because who are you faking it to yourself there you go right unless you believe it like and and hustle in silence like why why put your cards out to the world cuz the world’s ready to knock you down yeah but like what I do is like sorry going back to it going back to the phone call get a call about my dad yeah dying so I write him a big long message right and I’m like I a’t spoke to my dad for 25 years still now oh no I don’t like and I say I’m saying my dad for PC reasons here but he’s me spermed owner like that man has offered like offered nothing so like I get this call to say he’s dying so I write him this letter that hands it to him like about himself and all he did is wrote me a letter back and said go and read a book so I thought right I’m going to write one and blocked me no he blocked me last year right so I was like right and he said go read a book I he said I tell you what to do go read a book he Cruz yeah yeah he in crew and I thought I’m going to [ __ ] write one don’t tell me to read a book and then I had the teachers she can’t you know she can’t read and write she’s got dyslexia she’s got dyspraxia she’s got ADHD I I’ll [ __ ] show you I’m not just me I’m not just about substance of something that’s physical I can do anything I I can do any if I say I can I will do you know what I mean so wrote a book so like that was way out of off the mark it weren’t an sas thing it w a physical thing it was sitting there putting my money where my mouth was doing something that made me uncomfortable for six weeks I I pretty much wrote the book but I was like I can do anything yeah like and it’s not like big eded and it’s not whatever just wrote a book do you know what I mean it’s fulfilling you in it yeah 100% it I’d I’d probably go one further and send him a book and say you read one and send him your book yeah oh yeah all to come but like do you not think then maybe you were Mena crash that day right obviously you said everything went down but did everything go up do you know what I mean like to build obviously you’re doing all these amazing things now do not think that that was men rappen for good for the right reasons not for the wrong reason 100 and like a lot of people come to me and say they’re lost right don’t I’m lost I don’t know who I am what I am and I say you can’t be lost if you have Direction like if you have Direction you can’t be lost if you got a SAT that Saab will keep you on track right I didn’t have a Saab back then now what I did have is fueling me art and like this desire to prove people wrong prove people I mean like I can do this yeah so when I didn’t have Direction in that one thing I missed so when I crash what I found when I crashed was purpose now I didn’t know it at the time if a human being has purpose and they’ll get inevitably direction from it and from Direction you you your Wills your Royster you got your mud map to life yeah so for me when I crashed I got humbled but as we go on in the story from the crash I become an alcoholic so through all these things what happened down and you know like catastrophic life-changing events in my life I found my purpose from then like and if I would have won would have become the rock star would have become the [ __ ] [ __ ] would I have found my purpose and Direction no I wouldn’t so when I look back so now my purpose and and direction is to help other individuals I understand about mental don’t get I really understand about mental health I understand what it’s like to be at the rck bottom and and to not know even like or feel like the lights are on i’ I get I’ve had I’ve been there I’ve been in them positions I was the kid who said pull yourself together like nothing wrong with mental health so through all of it through my rock bottoms through my adversities I found who I am and what makes me tick back then I didn’t wear makeup I didn’t feel feminine I thought because I still felt like I should have been my dad’s son not daughter yeah so I was like right so through all of that it’s taken me I said a lot of years like healing is not a linear Journey or L linear process um but it’s a process that can get you healed and through it all found out who I am and what makes me tick so would I have found that with a gold medal absolutely not I could come back out retirement Now Rich like I come back out retirement in 2019 and got British champion in track cycling I could come back out like sponsors still want me to ride like I coached the girl who won the Olympics in um Tokyo Bethany shria I was her coach I got from 30th in the world to Olympic champion in eight months now what with all that like that’s cuz I found out who I am and what makes me drive I don’t follow what trends like it didn’t say hasht write a book is trending like I don’t follow what is the curves I follow what’s internally in yeah and I can never go wrong I’ve got me sat now you know what I mean it always goes back then to that like and same with me that whole thing of people going oh [ __ ] how this now do you know what I mean what’s next oh this that and it’s just doing it for you do you know what I mean like I I similar like I find that I’ve tried all these things done all these things now and I’m 31 yeah and now it’s starting to work do you know what I mean everything’s yeah it’s been bumps and downs and stuff like that but now I feel like right okay that whole set of thing do you know what I mean rather than going right what’s working what’s working now it’s poof like you know what you’re doing now 100% I always say like I don’t speak about my faith much but I um I got sober from a god of my own own understanding like and I feel like nothing happens in God’s Will by mistake like and God doesn’t have a watch like a lot of us think we’re defined by age we’re defined by time we’re not like we’re really not you know I SP off like K the guy of KFC when did he become a SE like you know these people and D later exactly you know and I just think like God doesn’t have a clock and you can be and do anything and start it you know it’s like your day if your day is going [ __ ] people are go it’s a [ __ ] [ __ ] day start your day again like why you not starting your day again it’s 24 hours your day like why you going to have a [ __ ] day because you had a [ __ ] morning yeah it’s like start your day again having a bad day is a choice yeah and right what gets me who gives right realistically right say you do 2,000 things and the old [ __ ] fail and 200 million people laugh at you who gives a F we’re all going to the cemetery yeah so who cares you’re never going to see them 200 million people and if you did well and then 2,000 people million people said oh well done what does it matter you’re [ __ ] killing it yeah so for me I I don’t understand noise like I don’t hear noise like people will be bashing I’m like [ __ ] off man you go in the cemetery I’ll see you there before or after do you know what I mean and I’m like I’ll just have an ni of and you will yeah and and like I just think like you know if I if I do something and I and I make a fool of myself aren’t we meant to like it’s like I think people take the CES far too serious these days do you know what I mean like and a very like rigid of what this one thinks and there is this right and where do I fit in just be you yeah everybody else is taken do you know mean I think that’s more it’s more accepted now than it as well it used to be like I was always that person who would go into a room and just be a raging lunatic and just be hyperactive to death and you’d be like people would almost look at you as as if you were weird do you know what I mean and it’s still a little bit like that but like like I’ve been to board meetings like for meetings with like potential clients and all these directors are wearing [ __ ] suits do you know what I mean around a big you know Square table and you know all L dah and I’ve rocked up in a hoodie and jeans and trainers on oh that’s how’s it going and they’ve all been like you [ __ ] you know what I mean sit there going you [ __ ] what yeah but within half an hour I left that room they all laughing the bollocks off exactly you know what I mean and they go like okay yeah Sam we want to work with you so I think now it’s more accepted than it than it was do you know what I mean like in that sense but like where do you think that the AL the alcohol thing came from like you personally do you think it was more you were going you were going out like you know I’ve got a lot of friends that you know turn to drink and stuff like that but a lot of people also just were drinking a lot and then become dependent on it but not out of like I need this but doing it socially too much and then being like [ __ ] I do this every day now do you know what I mean like or were you doing it as such a you know I just want to get pissed to forget everything or do you know what I mean it’s your way of coping like what what what was it it’s funny with addiction I believe it starts with a hole in the soul right and I feel like as we grow or like if you’ve got a clean bill of health of of of a childhood is that’s been [ __ ] great and nothing’s been bad but in my in my take and I can only talk from my experience why I you know I’m an alcoholic is that I was subject to a lot as a child like a lot um I don’t go heavily into it but there was a lot of stuff I seen that I shouldn’t have seen as a kid there was a lot of like court cases that I was involved in that I shouldn’t have been involved in Social Services were involved you know I shouldn’t have been in places that I was in and with all of that trying to get the approval of mom and dad not getting it like it Formed what I went on is the great run of my life like it it was a great escape but right I went with that helmet on [ __ ] boom boom boom around the world like ripping titles to shreds yeah but doing all that like I got exhausted and I was running essentially I was running from something and that no matter I’d never drank like I never I never used to drink you know like I didn’t go out with me friends to drink or anything my dad was an alcoholic so I was like I fueled off not wanting to be that yeah yeah yeah and then the helmet came off and when the helmet came off I was left with me like that the career was done like and it was and was that you just spending a lot of time with yourself then no I spent Thursday and I decided to be an alcoholic on the Monday like Thursday I got I was off the program I decid it was it was this that was off by Monday Monday morning come and I thought right what did you do with 24 hours right so from the age of 10 or before that I’d been a in the Athletics Club and stuff alls I knew was sport that’s it I didn’t care about school didn’t go off the time alls I did was try to be the best athlete I could be to begin with then it was the best cyclist in the world and that’s all I put my focus into then when that came like and and putting that helmet on and racing the race and having the accolades like busying yourself like really busying yourself I didn’t like learn the art of Stillness or what what was going to happen when I become still so it went severed it was like my career just went bang and then it was like you you’re you’re done now like and I remember Monday thinking well all my friends are at work like they work that’s what normal people do then I was like by Tuesday I was like [ __ ] me like what’ you do with 24 hours like usually I’m at the track or I’m going the gym or I’m packing me bag I’m doing me meal prep you know and I was like I don’t know what I’m doing so I had a lot of money in my bank and I lived in a beautiful house and I was like I’m [ __ ] bored because I’ve got ADHD and I was like I don’t know what I’m doing so I thought you know what all my life I’ve never done what normal people have done never gone out drinking never done all that thought I’m [ __ ] going to do that that’s what I’m going to do so I pretty much did I I ended up going out in the West End I just decided that I was going to be like a rock star like cool I thought it was going to be yeah and then I was going out and I was like going to Panacea and all that in Manchester I only did it for a very short period right and I’d get there and go these ain’t my people this isn’t this isn’t it I just remember thinking this isn’t it and then I go somewhere else and think ah they’re all part I think I’m not happy I’m not actually happy so very quickly my drinking went indoors like I didn’t want anyone didn’t want anyone to my me didn’t want I just wanted to drink myself to death cuz when I picked up that that sto that stopped like it stopped that hole in the soul and like the flashbacks and everything else that there was and I had to [ __ ] sit and try and face what I’d been through or how it felt over the years and it was like [ __ ] Pandora’s Box just went boom and blew its Bonnet off and I was like I can’t I can’t deal with it so I would just like binge drink I was like a binge Drinker I’d drink on and off and I’d be like see I can stop and then it was going on and on and on and by the time like it was 2016 Olympics and I um decided I was going to drink myself to death the Olympic started I went to the shop and I bought as much alcohol I filled the trolley and I was like I’m going to be dead I won’t see the the BMX come on CU it was at the end of the timetable and I was so happy with myself I thought yeah yeah and I’m not a coward I thought I can drink myself to death now how sad is that that I was proud of myself that I’m about to kill myself with drink yeah and I fully accepted it I was 18 and half Stone pissing and [ __ ] in blood every day and I was comfortable with taking my own life like that so when I this this so we start we I start drinking blacking out drinking blacking out drink I didn’t know if I woke up it was day I didn’t know if it was night and um the then my partner at the time she was um Harry Styles’s tour manager so she’d gone off to America and I was like right this is I timed everything right but she came home because Ari had a problem on tour so she came home and something had happened and he were changing it and when she came home she um she basically well she did save my life like she so I went she I ended up going to see her family in Sunderland and when we were there she I was having a great time it was drinking still and everything and then on the way home we I lived in Poon at the time in Cheshire and we were she came through Willams slow and I was thinking why is she driving back through Willams slow and then we um ended up in this car park and I was like the [ __ ] we doing in here it’s a [ __ ] Church car park and she went um it’s not about it’s not about what we’re doing it’s about what you’re doing and I went what do you mean what I’m doing and she went I can’t take you seeing you like this anymore like she said I don’t understand like how you’ve just gone from being so successful to like a down and out I didn’t shower I didn’t I was just an absolute mess right I give completely up and she said like you’re worth more than this so was like yeah but why are we in this car park and she said it’s AA like you and I went AA and I was like are you [ __ ] joking me I said I was in a billboard on in Williams low last week and you’re going to IM mortify me sending me in there and I had this argument with her and I was like it was all ego and denial and fear and I was like I I can’t I’m not going in there so she said like we’re going to finish if we don’t um you know you don’t go in so I went in and I was like just felt I felt disgusted that she was was making me do this like a punishment remember sitting there and I thought right these lot are going to brown paper bags sitting in this room and I was the only one who looked like [ __ ] death I remember walking in and everyone looked so well and I thought it was in the wrong room and I was like right so then they started talking and they were like I he always I heard from that meeting if you keep drinking your life will get worse if you stop drinking your life will get better and I thought mate you’re [ __ ] about 60s you you you you you your tokens up I’m 27 like I’m 27 years of age like why how do I stop drinking like that’s ridiculous yeah and then I he at the end keep coming back it works if you work it it doesn’t if you don’t I didn’t get pay [ __ ] so get back in the car I give it her like You’ made me do that but I he some things in there and I was like but I thought I thought I’m not I ain’t got an issue with drinking I you know I can stop if I want to so she said I’m never going to take you again she said that’s the only time I’m ever going to take you to there and if you don’t think you’ve got a problem then we’re splitting up so I was like right sounds so I kept going back but what I did I’d go to a meeting 9:30 would come I’d be Pelt out of there to the off license drink myself black out again and I kept doing it and one day [ __ ] alcohol had smacked me good and proper around the head like I felt like I was dying like really dying and I went to the meeting and I thought you know what like I want what these people have got like they’ve found some [ __ ] solution They’re All Dead happy they’re living a life beyond the wildest dreams and they’re free and I was like I just want what they’ve got and that was happiness more so than stopping drinking so I was like right thought I’m going to start listening a bit so they say get a sponsor so I thought right and as time went on so we told me about seven or eight months I was still going kept going back and I was I don’t know why I’m here kept saying to people I don’t know why I’m here I said I don’t even have a problem with alcohol he said why are you coming then don’t come if you don’t have a problem so I kept thinking well you know I can’t [ __ ] cut this now I can’t stop drinking I physically could not stop drinking I was drinking in the morning at that point and I was I can’t [ __ ] stop and I was like I’ve got the greatest willpower in my world and I cannot stop this I was like every time I’d swear to myself today isin’t going to be the day I’m not going to drink today I put my [ __ ] house on it I won’t drink 7:00 had come I’d be [ __ ] blacked out again so I was like right so started doing what they said and then like my life rich people say how did you get from your cycling career from here to where you are like you know like done TV shows AA sorted everything yeah well and you still go now yeah like this is the thing like as a as an addict you you come with your spots so it’s not like you’re just cured like like once I done what I needed to do in AA like you do a 12-step program and you find a god of your own understanding and when that Obsession leaves you like I go for my thinking not my drinking like we still have the the drinker’s head like and if I don’t do my my program that I need to do then low and beow the spots will start coming back and I’ll pick up a drink again so and the primary focus like we I’ve been giving this gift now and that Obsession has left me one day at a time and with that like the the number one thing on the 12 step is give it away to keep it so like it’s not just all right I’ve got what I’ve got it’s like you’ve got to give it away to keep you give back yeah so I go as well so I go AA regular for my thinking but also for the newcomer cuz how does anyone know it works work if they can’t see an example so I’ve been a 27y old girl stopping drinking which shares a very different story to a 50y old man stopping drinking so how is anyone meant to know so it’s like that’s where I learned selflessness like I really did like I feel like I was quite a selfish person before I got sober it was all about me like it was all about what I want to do in my life how I want to do it don’t give a [ __ ] what people think about how you know my life but then I learned that you know it’s not just me on this planet like I [ __ ] shared this with a lot of other people and just learning to be considerate and understanding about other people do you know what I mean and that’s why like the best ever thing to happen to me is being an alcoholic like better than any success I’ve ever achieved rich like better than anything because that crash that happened yeah then subsequently what happened later on hitting the bottle and being trapped to it I found who I really [ __ ] was and it wasn’t who I thought I was do you know what I mean I thought I was a tough [ __ ] like I you plow through but I found that I was actually a human being in as well do you know what I mean like I still am a tough [ __ ] and I want to go after it but at the same time it’s a different drive though 100% And it’s like I was talking to you about this the other day but when you climb that ladder make sure the people who are with you who helped you climb One Step make sure you take them with you don’t stand on the [ __ ] so many people I see like achieving a success is great but if you’ve achieved success and you’ve climbed over a hundred people and smacked them down and ripped them off and this that and the other you’re telling me that success when you got to the top of the podium no chance it’s like drug cheating like if you took a drug and then let the national anthem play nah like you’re a fraud do you know what I mean so now it’s about like if I whatever ladder or whatever step I’m climbing and someone helps me it’s my come on like this is not just you haven’t achieved that next step by yourself and I’m a massive like thing about like if I’m in your circle I’ll go on that front line for you do you know what I mean but like if you’re not in my circle then I’m not interested like I’m I’m only interested in sticking with the winners like and when I say the winners it’s not like you see the people who win it’s the people who want it yeah exactly and want a bit better for themselves and not just want to sit there and moan about this and moan about that and like it’s like you can keep moaning and you can keep pointing out other people’s flaws but that person who stares back at you in the mirror what’s that saying you know what I mean classic saying in AA Point your finger and threey old is pointing back at you so I just always think like someone’s having a go great do you know what I mean maybe I don’t need to add a comment to that or I don’t need to have any say in that because that’s what that person’s doing yeah but it’s h yeah it made me opened me up and round made me a round person being an alcoholic that’s right nice well I’ll tell you what mate should we do part two because we’ve got about a million in one of the tell we’ve got so much to talk about but like I just think you know doing podcasts and actually getting that a bit more in-depth knowledge of that person like we’ve all got a story to tell that’s powerful um and like doing this part I just you like what you’ve gone and done like you’re like stick with the winners like prime example like I get asked through these podcasts all the time and and often I’ll say no because the narrative and or whatever doesn’t fit like for me but like I’ve seen what you’ve been doing and creating your path and going from the military background to where you are and [ __ ] hats off to you like you should be so [ __ ] no seriously pulling up and just so proud of you like achieving this you know what I mean I bet you thought never thought when you were out in afat and that [ __ ] me this is what I could be having it’s only going to greater things yeah of course like fair play to you nice one mate you’re a legend thank you hey nice one for coming let’s get part two done yes yeah let’s [Applause] [Music] go for