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Timestamps:
00:00 – Frankie Boyle
04:52 – Katherine Ryan
10:54 – Joe Lycett
15:22 – Fern Brady
20:19 – Suzi Ruffell
26:52 – Steve Hughes
31:45 – Micky Flanagan
36:48 – Jack Whitehall
39:42 – Kevin Bridges
41:59 – Jimmy Carr
48:10 – Andi Osho
51:10 – Tom Allen
56:03 – Sara Pascoe
01:01:20 – Sindhu Vee
01:07:00 – Sean Lock
01:12:01 – Jessica Fostekew
01:15:25 – Ed Gamble
01:19:56 – Loyiso Gola
01:27:07 – James Acaster
01:33:08 – Rich Hall
01:35:15 – Stewart Francis
01:35:49 – Dara Ó Briain

[Applause] hello hello and welcome to live at the Apollo I’m quite surprised that they’ve let me on as well if that’s any comfort we had the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow this year a great choice of venue a place where people think that Hepatitis B is a vitamin I don’t really trust these big

Sporting occasions you know the Olympics a lot of that stuff is just for rich people dress yachting I don’t remember that at school yachting tomorrow class so remember bring in your boats a lot of people find the par Olympics inspiring I just find it depressing I can’t throw a discus and I’ve got

Arms Oscar Pistorius Pistorius to me sounds like a spell that Harry Potter would say to make your legs drop off when he gets out of jail his next girlfriend is going to get ready in a hurry thought you were running a bath no I just threw some dungies on let’s

Go I hope jail Billy steals his legs walks about being 9 fo6 I don’t like the Commonwealth cuz the Commonwealth is the old British Empire it’s called The Commonwealth cuz Britain stole all those countries wealth and then went come on the whole empire was founded on cocaine everybody was on cocaine the

Remedies had cocaine in them Queen Victoria was on cocaine and not the [ __ ] you take you’ve never done a line and going let’s invade India we had the referendum up in Scotland that was won by the no campaign and aliser darling I thought it’d be good if when w Alistair darlin’s eyebrows had

Finally turned into butterflies and he wasn’t even able to look surprised about it David Beckham sent the people of Scotland an open letter an open letter cuz he couldn’t work out how to get it into the envelope people said during the campaign I was anti-english I couldn’t be more

Pro- English I thought the best thing for Independence would have been if england had win the World Cup cuz you would have been so unbearable that we would have to leave whatever happens next I think it’s important that Scotland does something that puts England on the back foot

Something that England won’t expect and the last thing that you are expecting is for us to form an Islamic caliphate I independent Scotland we can do this okay we’ll have to learn how to treat women slightly better but we can change I think people don’t understand enough about International politics do

They in Scotland people think that NATO is just a nickname you give to a guy who lost a foot to diabetes keep up Ed millerand came up for the referendum now I’m going to go out in a limb here and say I don’t think Ed millerand will win the election cuz if

He can’t persuade his own face to do what he tells it to Ed mban said he wanted to militarize the Scottish border can you imagine being a Scottish Border guard having to do cavity searches just to keep your hands warm holding back the English refugees at Newcastle Newcastle being the first

City in history that turned into a refugee camp and got less mental or things are actually a lot more civilized now that were ruled over by a horse militia do you know what people in Scotland want what they really want in my experience is they want transport to

Run normally in the winter through 3 ft of snow that’s all they ever moan about why isn’t this train moving through the snow but what you really want is for the pilot to come over the intercom and go well I’ve been told that it’s not safe

To take off but I thought let’s give it a go Christmas for me means struggling with Jane does anyone know Jane from the north London School run I can’t stand Jane Jane used to have a professional career and that’s fine and now she stays home to look after seven

Tiny children and that’s also fine even though I didn’t realize that you could have seven little baby ones like in a row I didn’t do that her ass is like a peach cervix like a hula hoop at this point who not the snack no sir not the

Little cool like a giant athletic sized this woman’s having a baby every 4 months Shane said to me Catherine you must be so sad that you don’t have a husband at Christmas this coming from the woman whose ham colored husband Brian is a man I’ve never seen out of a bicycle

Helmet he’s just a spandex man you know he runs marathons those are the worst kind of people by the way what is it about got a middle-aged man that he’s got to know he can be 26 mil away from home on foot at any given moment relax Brian just trying to raise

Awareness for cancer we’ve heard of it everyone’s heard of it raise funds yeah that’s good but I don’t care more about your charity because you’re running a marath like I will donate to plan UK because they do tremendous work not because someone from the office threatened to jog until he

Lost a toenail I don’t care Jane’s in charge of fundraising at the school of course she is Catherine will you help with the Christmas cookie sale no I will not Jane because last year you sold my gingerbread biscuits for 10 P are we selling these cookies for

Bangladeshi kids or are we selling them to Bangladeshi kids Jan what are you doing no no where are you getting your price point you prick how are you ever effective in the corporate world what is your scale of economies do you need money I’ll write you a check for a 100

Lb you can [ __ ] off and make a th000 gingerbread men she says Catherine you should have another baby get out of my life you need to have another baby Catherine you’re running out of time we’re all running out of time Jane that’s how time works if anything I got a lot more time

Than you cuz I don’t have to help find 14 tiny shoes every morning and I don’t have to sleep with your husband I shag him cuz I want to my job thank you thank you very much I had a partner he left us last Christmas uh because I didn’t need

Him I was like well it’s a good thing you don’t do anything I’d be dead you don’t need me Catherine I need to go where I’m needed okay Batman jog on he said he said to an immigrant single mother you didn’t make me a priority you

Just work all the time and look after your child you didn’t make me a priority I was like mate I paid for everything it literally says priority on your legs every time I buy you a plane ticket and I always check back into economy to see how you’re doing on the

Flight you don’t fight for me Catherine you are not the last fidget spinner on Christmas Eve I’m a single mom and there’s still baggage attached to that I believe that if I were a man I wouldn’t be single I’d be eligible wouldn’t I I just bought a

House in central London they would make me the bachelor they’d freak out it is by the way the most expensive property ever owned by anyone in my family it’s also the smallest they’re very confused they come from Canada and they’re like Catherine this is what you bought with all your money but this

Hoose is so small don’t you know what size hoose you could afford in your home tone I’m like don’t you know like I I wouldn’t be sure which room to kill myself in so I can’t do that you visit at Christmas get a hotel if I was a man I’d be eligible

They’d go how does he do it how does a young young young man of only 34 years old raise a gorgeous young daughter without financial help from anywhere how does he do that and there’d be memes of me just hoovering with no shirt on like how does he doing there’d be

YouTube videos of me going viral just platting her hair before school how does he do it they’re like well I take three equal sections of hair then heroically I fold one into the other two and so on I’d say things like if you think my hands are full you should see my

Heart and women everywhere would be like it’s anyone sucking his dick right now where is this man and then I removed the mask and be like haha I’m a lady and they’d be like GH another single mom gross gross said one of the most famous Muslims in

Birmingham is Malala yfi I don’t know if people are familiar with her yes she’s really if yes yes if you don’t know who she is she’s a 18-year-old school girl who was shot at by the Taliban for wanting to be educated she now Goes To edgebaston High School for Girls it’s a

Private school I don’t think she pays the fees I personally would hate to go to school with Malala yasa can you imagine Show and Tell day with Malala okay class what have you brought in um Sally let’s start with you and Sally goes I’ve brought in a pape masch cat that

I okay um anyone else bring anything in Malala did you bring anything in this is Nobel Peace Prize so Sally you’re a piece of [ __ ] I a to be a teacher as well you to tell Malala off or anything like what are you doing on your phone Malala

Texting Barack Obama actually so oh sorry um Sally you’re a piece of [ __ ] of course s now I made her up now I was annoyed about that I was annoyed when they said we’re 100% Muslim because when they say things like that there’s a subtext to that isn’t there when they

Say we’re 100% Muslim what they’re saying there is that we should be worried about that there’s something terrifying frightening about Muslims I think we’ve got a problem I think we’re using the word Muslim far too quickly to describe people doing atrocities when they don’t represent Muslims any more

Than I do and I think we should be using a more accurate word for those people which I’m going to argue is knobhead it’s a political rally now don’t wor there’d be levels of knobhead there’ be levels you’d have like a moderate knobhead all the way up to fundamental

Knobhead if we all did it if we all did it the news would have to catch up they have to go today two knobheads bomb the car then have to do it we all and it wouldn’t necessarily be to do with terrorist activity not just not just that just any knobhead activity

Would get the knobhead word I’ve thought of some um people that wear a festival wristband after a festival the worst I went to reading it’s November you’re in a Costa you’re a kned couples that put a lock on a bridge you’re both knobbed sorry ha that ha it sanctimonious mothers have to be

Careful here I don’t mean all mothers by any means just a lot of my friends have been kids at the minute and it’s the sort of mothers that go don’t tell me how to raise my kids and you’re like okay but she is trying to eat a petty floo with an electric razor

So you’re a bit of a kned aren you miss slightly Amanda Holden fundamental kned I just don’t like it don’t don’t encourage me because I’m sure she’s lovely I just I think she’s despicable um no I don’t have a problem with Muslims in Birmingham at all happy to

Have them I think they add to our city in into our culture I think the big problem we have in Birmingham it’s happening around the country actually we have a lot of artisan coffee shops you know the sort of places I’m on about like sh ditch is full of them kind

Of like distressed wood that kind of thing and they serve flat whites and they’ll say things like we support local artists and you know that cuz the art on the wall is [ __ ] d d at Birmingham they’re all [ __ ] um oh no there’s one I quite like

There’s one I quite like I can’t say the name for legal reasons they do an avocado and feta smash very aggressive word I feel what is essentially pressing with a fork avocado and F A Smash and for1 50 extra you can get a poached egg on top

It’s a lovely way to start the day I went in recently and I said to the girl I said I’d like the avocado and feta smash please with the poached egg and she went oh we don’t do the egg anymore I said why is that and she went the kitchen was struggling to

Cope when I hear the phrase struggling to cope I think of I don’t know a single mother trying to juggle a career Child Care heartbreak I don’t think of someone cooking a [ __ ] egg in Scotland it’s still illegal for women to do this job so when I started

Comedy I used to walk on stage on a Friday night it would be all stag parties and I would say people would work out I was a woman very early on and I could see the disappointment in their faces I would walk on stage and all the guys would just fold their arms

Devastated as if to go why is the stripper talking I’ve lived in England nearly a decade and I’ve still never got that sort of uh anglicized accent that a lot of Scottish londoners get where you sort of make your accent a bit nicer no no thanks sticking with this accent now as

A result what a lot of my English friends like to do to me is repeat my accent back at me on a daily basis I’ve got one mate Haley she does it a lot she was like F this is my impression of you hello I’m F

Prady I was like Haley this is my my impression of you Nick’s leaving me he’s called off the wedding he’s taking the dog I don’t even like dogs sorry I’m not great with English accents can’t quite nail the arrogance it’d be great having a posh English accent cuz like Boris Johnson

He’s got a posh English accent and he can just say stuff and people go seems reasonable whereas I have to spend every day fighting for people not to assume I’m on remand for pris now that Toby jug was responsible for brexit he was one of the guys

Responsible for brexit which by the way I wasn’t surprised when brexit happened at all a lot of my London friends were really shocked they were like how could people be so stupid as to vote against their own interests I was thinking have you met most people most people are

Idiots I mean every day I get on trains across the country and I watch most people repeatedly jab at the train door button even though it’s not eliminated oh that has never ever worked those people have the right to vote too and there’s hundreds of them you think on

That I went to Belfast for a gig now I love going to Northern Ireland CU as a young person it’s the only way I can truly experience what the 70s was like and I got a taxi to the show and the taxi driver asked what my job was I

Stupidly told the truth I said I’m a comedian and he went a female comedian I was like yes I’m aware they’re illegal here too in the state of Gilead then he said the funny thing is is in Norther Ireland all our females are comedians I was like I know mate my

Favorite one is the c act you have in your country who appears to be a Butch lesbian masquerading as a straight woman in charge of the dup the most homophobic political party in the UK I mean Jesus Christ harlene come out already if you don’t know who the dup

Are they’re they’re a a northern Irish political party they hate women and gay people yet they’re run by a stone Bo lesbian who doesn’t seem to know it yet and gay marriage is illegal in Northern Ireland and the dup support this and they always come out with fictional

Reasons against it because you can never say the real reason you’re homophobic which is always I really want a tryy sex CU all vocal homophobes are gay in the end it’s just a waiting game Vladimir Putin Biden my time for that one now I’ve been doing material on

Arlene Foster and the dup being home of phobic and the dup found out about it and the way I found out about this was there was a newspaper story with the headline dup demand apology from comedian over gay jibes they meant me my first Scandal and comedy a big moment for any young

Comedian now my agent who I’ve said I’d be on good behavior for he was like do not go on social media and say anything to the dup stay off Twitter and Facebook I was like Chris can I have one tweet just one tweet he went fine you can have

One tweet I went on Twitter I was like I will apologize to Arlene Foster as soon as she lies my v and looks disgusted please close I’ll say no more I’m a very private person good I have recently realized something Apollo I’ve recently realized something and that is is that one person

In every friendship group is bit of a party pooper bit of a boring Brenda bit of a dreary Derek and I’ve recently realized that person is me okay okay now what’s started happening to me is I’ve started getting invited to both stag do and henus and it’s because I’m gay um I

Know I don’t really need to come out or my hair’s this short you get the gist but basically I get to invited to stag do and hend and I think it’s CU my Straight friends look at me and go we don’t know where you go so I just get

Invited to everything uh don’t worry I’m not going to bang on about being gay I’m not going to bang on about being a lesbian I’m not going to give you the ins and outs of it because to be fair there’s very little of that came out years ago about 10 years

Ago I come from very workingclass family in Portsmouth I remember coming out to my Uncle Marty I said Uncle Marty I’m gay and he went what like full time and I said yeah cuz if anything I’m doing it more than 40 hours a week he said I don’t blame you baby I

Want fancy shaging a gazer rival so on the whole they’ve been very supportive I’m not a dater some people are daters that’s how some people refer to themselves yeah I guess I’m a dater who are these pricks I hate them some people love doing the dating so

Much they want to do on TV imagine having that kind of confidence imagine getting him from a date and going well that went so well the nation should watch and then applying for First Dates who are these people cuz I love First Dates love the date bit lovely hate that

Bit at the end no thanks they got to talk about each other oh great did you enjo crem Brule brilliant come this way for the character assassination no thanks but then because I have watched every single episode of First Dates my Smart TV started suggesting other dating

Shows to me so I like here Sue we think you might like dinner dates I did loved it loved it now I’m going to tell you about the most recent episode that I watched okay now it was quite a mediocre man now I have to be very careful here

I’m not a man hating lesbian just wasn’t a great example of your people now over three nights this man went around three different women’s houses for dinner they all go to quite a lot of effort the girls put on a nice outfit make a nice bit of dinner make the house

Look a bit fancy lovely then on the fourth day he gets to choose one of those women to take to a Posh Restaurant fine here’s the cruel bit they tell all of them to get ready like they’ve won the date yeah so they’re all there going oh I think he really enjoyed my

Bretta then ding young one person gets the mediocre man and the other two get a sad lasagna ah Sue is that the cruelest part of the show no the crul part of the show is the camera crew sit around to watch them eat it just action I’m a vegetarian eat the

Lasagna but the worst show by a mile the TV show that I cannot believe exists is naked attraction right always a reaction you know what happens at this bit is there’s always someone that’s s it and their mate hasn’t and they just go it’s properly [ __ ] up that’s what

Half of you have just done isn’t it right let’s find out actually by way of cheering give me a cheer if you have not seen the TV show naked attraction okay M what’s your name Emma Emma I’m going to explain Emma I’m explain the concept and naked attraction

To you and you’re going to think to yourself here Sue previous to your gig tonight did you nip outside and smoke some crack cuz that’s how mental it is right Emma girl walks out on stage she’s like I’m looking for a boyfriend and the host goes brilliant we got six

Naked men in tubes behind then the host says to the girl what are you looking for and the girl will always do the same thing she go oh my God you’ve really put me on the spot and you think no you chose to come on this show

[ __ ] she goes um well I guess I’m looking for a boyfriend but also a friend um um I really like going like to European city break so maybe someone that likes travel um and I really like music gigs as well so maybe someone that likes music and I guess if I’m being

Really honest what I’m looking for is love and the host goes brilliant let’s see if you can find Love by judging dongs okay six naked men in tubes okay now Emma there’s a screen in front of all of them every round the screen goes up a

Little bit more to show a little bit more and the naked body every round one man gets eliminated until the end she got a couple of nudie fellas to choose from okay now Emma first round screen just goes up to the knees there’s always one bloke it’s got really rough feet

Really rough like he was an extra in The Hobbit and he just never took the feet off afterwards right now she clearly looked at them feet and for with them TRS ain’t coming on with me right and you think well that’s the end for him not the end they don’t they don’t shoot

Him you think it’s the end of the show for him but it’s not it’s not the end of the show cuz he then has the indignity of the screen going the whole way up so you see his penis and his face then he has the most awkward moment in

Television where he steps out of his tube walks over to her and gives her the most uncomfortable hug you have ever seen well you can tell all he is thinking is don’t touch the lady with your dick whatever you do don’t touch the stranger with your dick and then his

Sad little ass walks off stage now excellent how are you my name is Steve I’m a I’m from a Australia actually I used to play in heavy metal bands that’s why I had to leave Australia cuz it doesn’t like that kind of stuff and I never suited Australia

It’s a weird place for me to grow up in my parents are British and it’s just strange being a white man in a black man’s country in the middle of Asia you know and the culture is strange I never suited it you know it’s all based around Sport and

Racism I wasn’t very good at either of them you know I didn’t know what to kick you know and uh and recently we had a brilliant time recently I just did a gig comedy gig at a heavy metal festival in darbishire called bloodstock and to tell you people

The truth I don’t even know why they bothered getting Comics to do the festival because what they’ve done like most things have become corporate it’s stuck a theme park like rides within the confines of the ground so people would have something to to do besides bands

Right but that made me think why did they even bother getting comedians because I got to tell you people there is nothing funnier than a goth on a Dodge him you [Applause] understand and they got us out of London for the weekend because uh that was the

Time you your rights running around yeah it was funny just listening to the reporting that’s what I found funny just listen to them going look at them looting bloody looters running around looting again yeah well you know you ever been to the British museum so where’d you get that Sphinx from

Norwich is that your pyramid yeah we found it in the cotwall was under a hedge who’ have thought you were never Museum if you didn’t go looting you come to the British Museum and look at our squel exhibit put it in the Spitfire make it look more interesting

Help yourself do a Yorkshire pudding on the way yeah than you know what I mean the lies were’re inflicted with in the 21st century the war and Terror to me is the ultimate One how can you have a war and Terror what are you talking about this doesn’t even make sense when’s this

Going to end when they’ve got the terror relax it’s all gone we’re moving on to horror next and get those Goths out of the Dodge and for starus this is insanity you can’t have a war on terror you’re having a war on terror are you that’s right what does war

Create Terror exactly so you’re having a war against the consequence of the actions you’re involved in oh yeah but I else is good Terror it’s good peace freedom loving Terror you know kind of like Terror light you know sort of a diet Terror sort of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Terror you

Know and then we deal with that and then next what do we deal with well this is is all happening oh by the way the planet’s broken it’s all warmed up and uh yeah we have to fix it cuz we’ve broken it and uh you know we’ve done tests who has you know

Experts who are they oh don’t worry about it they’re here what are you talking about I don’t even believe in it people freak out what do you mean you don’t believe in it I don’t believe it you have to believe in it it’s the law well it’s not yet sure it will be

But until then no why should I believe in it what are you talking about they’re running around the world dropping depleted uranium all over the Earth sitting there letting nuclear weapons off underneath the Sea and the rest of us what are we going to do sit at home

With a special light bulb and a shopping bag for [Applause] life so I’m from the East End of London let’s chose the facilties this is the Cockney walk this is your casual Cockney walk this this is your St the Cockney walk not a lot going on just having a

Little bit of a walker B there you go have a little walk B little look back she your casual Cockney walk then you got your busy Cockney walk obviously I’m double busy about B can’t hang about I got a sign on and get back to work I can’t hang

About next goore a bottle opener made in a thir year wasn’t a rubbish one it was good because the two biggest departments in our school woodwor and metal work so I made the metal bit in the metal work department I went into departmental went across the corridor I said to the uh woodwork

Teacher do you mind if I put wooden handle on my bottle out Mr he said you’re a natural son things are going to work out for you we made ashtrays in the second year bottle openers in the third year prims in the fourth year but my big thing in the 80s chasing

Women back in the 80s I was an International Lover and player was I’d made love to women as far a field as Cardiff corn moreall I got a girl to wank me off on the a of white it’s a day trick it was easy to get sex in the’80s

You had to really work for it back then women didn’t want to part up too quickly to go to work if you met a girl and you were taking her out you on a Saturday night Bush here we go splash a pack of a man get your jeans out the cleaners nice

Crease on them there you go you took her out for the evening you treated her you took her out for a steak Dian F chins Areo the bianos and if she wanted a prong cocktail she got a prom cocktail women went mental for the prom cocktail in the

80s you see her little face light up you’ve sat her down and you presented her with proms lettuce in a wine glass drizzled with the dressing from a Fen Islands not salad cream tonight princess tonight you’re special you’re going to get a dress in that’s been gathered from a Thousand Islands

Brought to this steak ass in Beth green now you want the vagina this hasn’t changed men have chased the vagina since time began the vagina has changed as we not it was still a big hairy beast back in the 80s big hairy militant Marxist feminist vagina was angry the vagina in the

80s had a terrible attitude I mean the knickers weren’t small and it was still busting out the side big Angry Vagina we started rolling these Marx’s knickers down and it would come out what are you looking at but you wer the vagina so I got myself a place kitted it

Out for love bedsitter quality bedsitter not cancel and I went got all the latest gear I spent about 700 quid right let’s go take her back sit her down on the futon she’s off in bed already up there for thinking go over to Mysterio stacker system got a stereo stacker that’s a WWA

With a built-in graphic equalizer it does nothing I slip into the cassette deck Now That’s What I Call Music two I’m clean with you though the main reason I have an issue with Robert panson and Twilight is that when I was at school I realized I wasn’t going to

Be good at sport I was going to be academic so I thought well if I’m rubbish everything then I’ll have to do drama cuz that’s what you do if your [ __ ] some drama students in awkward laughs what they going to do look at me Jack I’m making an angry

Tree but that was me I thought that’s what I’m going to do I’m going to do drama I’m I’m going to audition for every single play that my school puts on and every single play that I went in to audition for in my school I learned all

Of my lines I went in in front of the Drama teacher I gave it my all and every single play that I auditioned for Robert Patterson got cast in the lead role and I got cast as villager six the [ __ ] you used to have to stand at the corner of

The stage and do nothing for an hour and a half whilst his parents looked unashamed and that’s not to say I didn’t TR myself into these roles when I was playing villager 6 I would give it my all the drama teacher would be like Jack

At the end of the scene all you have to do Robert’s doing his final speech is walk very quietly from that side of the stage to this side of the stage and exit quietly without making a fuss I was like oh my God sir you are a fool when Jack

Whiteall is on stage he does not walk he Glides the the other one they’d have to do right and this happened on several occasions the school were forced to write Parts into place so my parents wouldn’t complain to the Headmaster do you realize how humiliating that is when

You’ll stood with all of your friends and peers in front of a cast list and yeah I have my name on it but everyone knows there is no emu in the manger I look like a dick but the worst thing about it and it still Cuts me up and I cannot get over

It is the one very simple and plain fact and that is Robert Patterson is not a good actor he wasn’t a good actor at school he’s not a good actor now I’ve been to see him in these Twilight films several times and every time I watch him

On the screen through the web of Tears I’m astounded how B big a truck of [ __ ] he is all the guy does is mope around giving this one same sirly look and that’s a look that he stole off me cuz his the B but I’m not better I’m very

Happy Primark Primark they’ve started selling shavara T-shirts that’s a fitting Testament to the man’s Legacy and it sh Shar fought for the poor and oppressed in South America America now his face has been stitched onto t-shots by the poor and oppressed in Southeast Asia to be warmed by the poor and

Oppressed in southeast London that’s where I that’s where I stay when I come to London Southeast London kind of doll sort of area there a lot lot of knife crime a lot of crime I don’t I don’t really know the solutions to that particular problem but I think a

Start with maybe close close the shops that sell the weapons in the first place you get these High Street shops that sell crossbows to guys in shellsuit not shops that sell thousands of baseball bats every year but have never sold any baseballs well the peckam Ry Red Sox

Have not had a game in a while has in one of these places done a bit of research and the security measure if you want to buy a violent weapon is you need to fill in a form leaving your name and address so if anything happens you can be traced for questioning and

That’s the fury but what self-respect in N case buying a weapon would leave the real name and address I picture some police investigation team going through the book and saying excuse me excuse me shop says here you sold a samurai SW to Bel and El from 24

SES and some new guy cop he’d get sent on a wild goose Chas somewhere Sesame Street not showing up on the S half putting down the window for directions excuse me mate excuse me can you tell me hope they get how to get to S me a wind up

It live at the Apollo if my friends Could See Me Now what they could have they should have booked tickets this show is of course for the BBC who have been accused of misleading viewers I can tell you that is nonsense and it’s great to be able to tell you that live from

Vegas and if you’re watching the repeat it’s great to be back they do edit a lot of stuff on TV I mean that bit earlier where I told you how to get out of paying the license fee they’ll probably cut that who do you think you are that’s a

Great BBC show isn’t it I tell you who I’d love to see on that Prince Harry what I’d just be interested in knowing what his background’s like I’ve got a friend whose nickname is shagger you might think that’s quite cool but she doesn’t like it

I’ve got a friend she’s got a theory she reckons the way to drive a man wild with desire is to nibble on his ear Lopes for hours and hours I think it’s [Applause] bollocks my girlfriend said to me have you been having sex behind my

Back I said who the [ __ ] hell do you think it was and another thing it wouldn’t kill you to look around once in a while check how I’m doing well I’m Jimmy car we’ve got Alan car on the show later on how about [Applause] that I keep on getting mistaken for Alan

Car so what I’ve done is I’ve stopped sucking men [Applause] off don’t get the wrong idea you know I’m a very gay friendly Act I was asked last year to judge Mr Gay UK I said no problem to he’s against nature and against God and he’s going to

Hell right who have we got in the audience this evening uh we’ve got uh Nikki Hamilton Jones is in hello I’ve seen your show yours is the one where you get ladies naked and then they cry we’ve all been there for me that’s a very successful Friday night

Out we got James Morrison Jam Morrison in the house where’s he can’t believe hello James how are you an amazing musician especially if you find James Blunt a bit Rocky you give me something it’s an amazing song you give me something is my favorite song ever about chlamidia my favorite I love

It Dean Macy’s here where’s Dean Macy Dean Macy you’re our hope for Beijing aren’t you in the Deaton I love the Deaton one you know it’s where you do 10 different things isn’t it sort of Jack of all trains master of none if you don’t mind me

Saying the 2012 Olympics is going to cost 8 billion which is you know a lot of money it’s probably going to bankrupt London but you can’t put a price on two bronze medals in cycling incidentally ladies and gentlemen the highest speed ever achieved on a bicycle was done by a British man

166 mph on a bike it was recorded at a level crossing 8 billion is a lot of money I mean for that kind of money we could have another three weeks in a rack I don’t have a stalker but I do have a woman that sends me pants in the post thanks

Mom people ask me how I relax so I tell them I put Smarties tubes onto cat’s legs to make them walk like like a robot if I’m really stressed I make them go down the stairs it’s adorable they look so confused I realize some of you will be

Worried about the cat don’t worry about the cat if it’s hurt if it breaks its leg it’s already got a splint on I should warn you don’t don’t kick off this evening I’m middle class but I’m hard Al Dente you might say if you got the Al Dente reference you’re

Middle class too well [Applause] done I’ve got quite a posh voice though would you agree with that Hammer Smith it’s quite a posh voice but we’ve all got a phone voice mine’s quite breathy I quite like those phone sex lines I like them because they’re the only place in the world where premature

Ejaculation is an advantage I once came in under 75 5 P so I can see you down there you’re quite a young man just starting off in life you might not have the money to be wasting on those expensive sex phone lines what I would recommend to you is NHS

Direct it’s a free call they’re all wearing nurses outfits and they’re Bound by law to listen to you talk about your Swelling my friend got his bathroom redone he was showing off about it he said yeah we got a walk-in shower I said how are you get into it before I went on Ask Jeeves I asked Jeeves why Google is so much better I used to buy lottery tickets

Every week until I realized you can watch it on TV for nothing I like to think of bunge jumping as suicide for indecisive people a lot of people cry when they chop onions the trick is not to form an emotional bond I don’t mind Tony Blair getting

Paid millions and millions of pounds for his autobiography now he’s no longer prime minister cuz let’s face it he’s got mouths to feed one of which is enormous they need also like in Celebrity learn they need good Role Models not the sort that are famous for just being famous like Peter Andre God

Bless his heart but he’s made an 18-year career out of one song so much so that he’s even got a perfume called mysterious girl now call me crazy but surely as a woman the one thing you don’t want to smell like is mysterious like you don’t want to spray

The on and then walk past your mates and your mat’s like what what is that is that egg you smell mysterious or Cheryl Co sorry I just get so angry whenever I see her face like I was watching know when she was on that Piers Morgan life

Stories and she was bleeding on about being in Africa and my fight with malaria I got so angry but then I remembered malaria is a disease isn’t it it’s not the name of another toilet attendant she’s been kicking the [ __ ] out of yeah get that malaria you bastard

Give us a lollipop we’re going to fight for this love it’s good it’s good I like that one uh if she likes hitting people so much maybe she should go out with Chris Brown see how that works out for her yes I did that joke in cheltam and this

Old lady turned to her husband she was like Chris Brown wasn’t he the Home Secretary in 1987 her husband was like I think I’d remember if we had a black Home Secretary Margaret that would be amazing to be a black Home Secretary if I was black Home

Secretary well if I was home secretary obviously i’ be be black but think it through our show no but that would be amazing cuz I would do the biggest wind up on The Daily Mail ever I would go straight to BBC News Studios and do a live broadcast I just go good

Morning viewers as the new Home Secretary I want to announce from now one there will be no immigration loss that’s it the borders are now open tell your friends tell your family we have plenty of money plenty of jobs plenty of benefits come come just come and then close the

Borders it’s tough it’s tough uh I think young people do need good Role Models I think the uh the par Olympians that we had last year they were amazing Ro Role Models I don’t think you can get better than right I mean seriously they they put footballers to shame they did Jo Terry

Must have watched the Paralympics and just G oh I get it I’m a [ __ ] I was described as being like Kirsty olab trapped inside Phil Spencer and when I was growing up for a long time I used to think I wanted to be an actor and then it turned out I was just

Gay and recently actually I was checking into a hotel and I was at the check-in desk and The Man Behind The Desk he said to me would you like a room with two queens well I thought it was a hate crime thought maybe it was a come on but

As well like in many ways it’s a great time to be gay I don’t know are there any uh are there any are there any straight people here tonight are there any [Applause] straight straight oh my God straight you straight oh my God you should meet my

Straight friend you should go on a date with my straight friend I love straight people I think they’re so funny and I do think like you know like the internet has changed the way we see the world now all of us for all of us and I think social media has done that

We’ve all got a comment on social media now haven’t we and I do think a lot of the time the people comment a lot on social media are the same people who in the old days would have turned up at a public hanging you know and it brings it all

This pressure doesn’t it we’ve all got to live our best life now # live your bestest life # live your best life # live your best life I can’t live my best life I’m too tired you go on these apps there’s all this pressure like we’ve all going to

Take selfies all the time short for selfish it doesn’t matter what day it is it can be your grandmother ‘s funeral people are going shut up get your lips out and then we’ve all going to do mindfulness mindfulness mindfulness what is it mindfulness what is it it’s just breathing and thinking about your

Legs and then people say live every day as your last live every day as your last which I do do actually I do live every day as my last which is why I spend most of my time screaming is it now is it now is it now

And I do think as well imagine being born into this world imagine how tough it must be for children nowadays born into this world like I had an experience recently where I was in marks and Spencer because I have a fabulous life and I was in Marks and Spencers to

Buy a cashmere jumper from peruna it’s this generation’s Armani and I was walking around and it was quite a warm day and there was a little boy walking around with his mom and the little boy had taken his jumper off and the the mom said to him if you’re not

Going to wear that jumper you got to carry it I’m not going to carry it for you you’ve got to carry that jumper and out of nowhere the little boy he turned to his mom and he went you’ve ruined my [Applause] life which I thought was a ridiculous

Thing to say because she probably has ruined his life but he won’t know that for years and years loads of therapy and then later on I was in the queue to pay for my cashmir jumper up ahead of me in the queue was the same little boy and his little

Sister who was in a push chair right and the little boy had learned to play the game peekaboo with his little sister so you can imagine everyone in the queue in Marks and Spencers they love this don’t they they love this oh this is wonderful

Oh this is beautiful oh this is what we came out of the house to see something beautiful like this not to buy this pair of elasticated wasted jeans and you can imagine the game peekaboo right imagine it peekaboo it’s a lovely thing to see peekaboo the little girl is really laughing on the

Third time though he he got a bit bored peekaboo smash her in the face and then what happened was the little girl she really lost her [ __ ] and she starts to do that screaming that kids sometimes do of going and then screaming and then everybody turned around and the mannequins with the

Cashmere on turned around people in the Net’s next door turn around and then the mom comes over and says what neres happened here and then the little boy starts to cry in that way that kids sometimes cry which is by talking and sobbing at the same time so the mom said

What on Earth’s happened here and the little boy looked at his mom and went I smash her in the face the mom said but why why did you smash her in the face and the little boy looked at his mom and went because I wanted to which is actually a very good

Argument and the mom was getting really annoyed by this point said why did you really do it and then the little boy looked at his mom and and said perhaps the strangest thing I’ve ever heard a small child say he looked at his mom and went I can’t be what you want me

To I’m so excited I’m feeling so christmy this year I’m really looking forward to the big day because I’ve got a new member of my family I’ve got a lovely puppy I know I know he’s so amazing and he’s so beautiful but I have to be negative about him otherwise this isn’t

Comedy yeah you can’t just say oh I have a really nice life and I’m quite rich and um and now I’ve got a puppy you have to find negatives and um so I’ve got two it’s not really his fault either of them the first one and this is actually other

People’s fault people have been referring to him as a fur baby yes no it’s not good is it a fur baby for a childless woman my age calling him a fur baby insinuates that I’m compensating for something and you can’t compensate with something that is better my puppy is so much better than

All of your children and all of you and I’ll give you an example I’ll prove it a couple of weekends ago we were on our walk and you know what it’s like you’re in London you know what London does to people there was a man

And he just crumbled to the floor he had his head in his hands and we’ve all been there we know exactly what’s happened all of us have felt like that but because it’s London we just walk past we just walk past and wouldn’t want to embarrass him with any

Empathy probably only room in that pit of despair for one my puppy doesn’t know the rules and so he uh he ran between the Man’s legs up his chest and started licking him on the face and the man stared back at at him and they had this beautiful

Communion and that’s when I realized that my puppy is the baby Jesus cuz that’s exactly what Jesus would have done just loved him I don’t know if Jesus would have eaten all of the man’s cigarette butts I don’t know how often Jesus ate off the floor it’s one of those details

They left out of the Bible because it would undermine Jesus’s other great work wouldn’t it oh Jesus lovely Parables and didn’t the thought yard looked clean after he’d been round I um I’m going to talk about Jesus because it’s his birthday I’m not trying to convince you of anything but there

Are details that have been left out of the Bible when I was growing up I always thought Jesus must have loved the story of his own birth wouldn’t he to him as a child it would have been absolutely amazing he’d been like tell me again mom

Tell me again and then his mom’s like all right okay so um well I was asleep sleep and um then the angel came down done me in the ear and then I I woke up I turned to Joseph I said I’m having a baby it’s not yours he was all right about

It then 9 months later we had to go Bethlehem oh and it was Chua block there was nowhere to stay we ended up living in this stable only got two on trip advisor actually it was very nice the hay was clean there was a little donkey Shepherds came with cute little lambkins

And then these wise men turned up with very expensive presents the end a tell me again mom tell me again so the story of my birth um slightly different my parents did meet in an unusual way my dad was in a pop band in

The 70s and my mom was a fan of that band so she went of all of his recordings and concerts and she played a long game she waited until my dad wasn’t in the Band anymore she was the only person still sleeping outside of his house my dad eventually felt sorry for

Her they had a one night stand got pregnant with me my mom told my dad she was having a baby he told her she had to get an abortion she said if he didn’t marry her she’d kill herself tell me again mom [Applause] so the second problem with my puppy is

Um he’s interfering with my sex life which I wasn’t expecting um he’s a dog I thought he doesn’t know what we’re doing it’s fine you can carry on with your romantic life he likes to watch he’s he’s absolutely fascinated which is very off-putting you don’t want

To meet ties with your puppy when you’ve got a dick in your mouth M it’s very it’s very distracting and um also he’s got incredible timings with his vocalizations if I am lost in the moment I’ll be um I’ll be like um that’s how I sound and um and my

Boyfriend he’s much more like and then the puppy goes my young EST child sitting opposite me very small child she looked at me and she went and she projectile vomited at me the way small children do have you seen this small children they vomit like this they don’t vomit like this why

Because they’re too stupid to know about gravity vomit like this right and then she continued to vomit the way small children do which is very stupidly right cuz they get overwhelmed by what is a natural biological response right they go and they’re like and it’s splashing in their face and

Choking I have always looked at a small child when it is throwing up and thought what are you doing just vomit and then my teenage son was in the room and he looked at his sister and went oh mate and I was like no no no you hold

It and then our middle child well our middle child she’s quite fra Ed uh because she’s the middle one I haven’t done it the other two have done it um she’s always complaining that we don’t pay as much attention to her as we do to her siblings any middle children here

Who feel that way it’s a thing right she’s always complaining and it’s completely absurd I mean as a parent you care equally about all of your children and then there was some noise I looked down there she was ah I’m like yes yes whatever anyway ridiculous and I looked at this

And I was like oh vomit and tears and Mayhem this is catastrophic of course I didn’t say that to my children to them I said uh you guys my Uber’s here so I’m going to go and I left um because that phrase well my Ubers here it is the get out

Phrase of our times right how many people here have used that phrase just to leave situation you didn’t want to be in anymore yeah exactly because when you say well my Uber’s here what do people say they say okay man you better go no one ever checks your

Phone just say okay go it’s such a great phrase I feel like if Isis kidnapped me and took me into some dark cave and was I don’t know what but let’s go with pummeling the [ __ ] out of me and my phone went ping and I said oh my Uber’s

Here they be like ah Habibi please go so I’m delighted to be here because you’re great but it’s also much better than the alternative anyway recently someone said to me well with all that’s going on in the world now CNU surely on stage you’re talking more about politics I’m not a political

Comic so I said no why should I and then they said because you’re a brown woman that’s very political what I mean why is a brown woman can I not just care about my own [ __ ] why do I have to care about well frankly what is your

[ __ ] you know and also as a brown woman I did my homework right up top when I moved to this country 20 odd years ago I applied for and got a UK passport like this and then and then I married a European hello two for

Two so for those of you who are are floundering now well you snows you [ __ ] lose all right I don’t know but it’s not that I don’t think about politics and it’s not that I don’t worry about politics of course I do when the brexit vote happened I called my

Mother she lives in India and I was so upset I was crying and I said I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future mommy and the kids and what about us and my mother said oh just shut up your life could be much worse even

Without the brexit you know and I said how she said well you could be dead husband could marry the pretty lady and she could be very cruel to your kids and then I was like first of all Mommy that is very specific all right and second of all who is the pretty

Lady but I tell you what immediately stopped thinking about politics and started thinking about my husband I have been married for over a decade which means for over a decade I have been working with this man I I have been working on this man and Apollo I won’t

Lie to you I have been manipulating the [ __ ] out of this man to make him a mildly agreeable spouse and I’m going to die and some [ __ ] is going to inherit that no no no no no it’s all mine so I went and found my husband he was reading and I said hey

Hey if I die all of a sudden are you going to get married again and my husband said what wait what are we talking about and I was like oh my God you’re stalling I mean this is a yes or no question so I said to him listen to me

Before you make up any more lies let me tell you the correct answer to this question you please memorize it first of all if I die all of a sudden you mourn me every single day of the week second of all there is a giant

Picture of me in the hall and every time you pass the picture you stop and you do Namaste to that picture and if the kids are around you call them over you gather them up and you all cry a little bit yeah I feel like a [ __ ] with a

Fiber do that give a [ __ ] of f they actually go I like doing it at 2:00 in the morning nothing’s open a fantastic atmosphere in here tonight fantastic atere like a Cup Final here isn’t it well it’s not really not exactly a cup final it’s like a cup

Final about 5 hours before kickoff you just excitement anticipation fact you wouldn’t want it to be like a cut final would you always say cut finals they’re very tense you can cut the tension with a knife which I thought it’s a really bad idea a lot of tense people don’t get a knife

Out you’ll spoil the atmosphere whatever that is I’m never quite sure what that is people talk about atmospheres all the time don’t they they talk about amazing atmospheres I think what they all about you know that’s just a air isn’t it pubs advertising they got fine selection of

Alses good food and a great atmosphere like it’s a permanent thing you just walk in oh I feel slightly magical this place is amazing it’s like a cross between naria and Rio de Janeiro it’s only halfast 6 what’s going to be like when they put the lights

On in fact to be honest I went to a pub the other day which did have a fantastic atmosphere till I got my knife out and then I spoiled it after that the atmosphere was like Christmas dinner at a women’s Refuge never a happy time I’ve sport the atmosphere doing that

Joke I’m a silly boy I know let’s concentrate of course the best atmosphere you get in the world used to be on top of the pops amazing atmosphere on that show wasn’t it cuz you know nobody they just loved everything no bands ever got booed off did they any

Band that came on they went way not even one lone voice at the back going Britney you’re [ __ ] that Marilyn Manson would come on they go way Marilyn Manson and now we’ve got Bob the Builder what you like Marilyn Manson and Bob the Builder I’d like to see your

Bedroom on strange teen I don’t know where they get these people from I don’t know my theory was the producers used to go to restaurants and wait for a plate to get smashed and if anyone went do you want to come on top of the pops you’re perfect you are bit of a

Character yeah you know that people say you got to meet my mate he’s a right character oh he can’t walk past a hat without trying it on if anyone ever says that to you meet my mate is the right character all I’ll say is don’t get your hopes

Up you’re not going to meet the next Oscar wild what it means is when they say they mates a character what it means is when you’re not looking you’ll put his [ __ ] in your pint that’s all and there’s something really grimly British isn’t there about cheering a broken plate what’s that

About someone’s [ __ ] up hey wasn’t Me cuz they don’t do that in other countries no no they much more in France they’re very mature about it plate is smashed they just carry on chatting in French good acting that wasn’t it that was the in Italy they have a laugh about it they go hey Luigi

Hey and towels all the way to his hair like that hey he’s not a dwarf by the way he’s he’s picking up the plate don’t do that to the dwarf more than a broken plate on your hand that’s all I can say lot stronger than they Look and I was I was in a restaurant in Germany plate was smashed waiter was taken outside and shot it’s incredible should point out did make the front page of all the newspapers so I don’t think it was the usual response bit of a one-off and of course

In Greek restaurants They smash all the plates at the end of the meal anyway don’t they cuz I don’t know you ever tried to use Greek washing up liquid but it’s terrible basically it’s humus that’s what they use yeah I have no idea I’ve seen one inkling ever he was playing with a

Couple of dinosaurs he didn’t know that I was watching they were fighting all his players violent and fighting but as the dinosaurs were fighting I saw this they were going and at the end of the fight they went goodbye darling goodbye yes I did that but the rest of the time

He’s a nightmare I’m so honest in my comedy about what a handful my son is I feel like I need to reassure you like you know I do love him don’t ring anyone couldn’t love him more um but if anything that makes it weirder because you’ve got this very extreme very

Intense love for someone that makes it more confusing when their behavior is objectively disgusting I think it’s best summed up in cliches with a three-year-old because the cliches are true so genuinely without a second’s thought I would jump in front of a car for him um but also some days because of

Him because even if you take all of the violence out of the equation just arguing with somebody that entitled but with no empathy it’s hard and usually it starts from the second that you’ve woken up I don’t know if you ever even shared a house with a three-year-old normally when you wake up

Their creepy little face is already there saying something like I’ve had a boo they say anything that means that you have to get up so once I genuinely got all the Taps are on and there was one day in particular that I will never forget because of the

Rel relentlessness of it and it did start from the second that we’d woken up being eyes open I was like good morning darling and he was like it’s not morning it’s lunchtime you’re a lizard I don’t like Daddy you’re not my best friend can have a

Knife here we go come on come to the kitchen I don’t eat meals anymore I only eat snacks can I have a cake can I have a cake can I have a cake can I have a cake can I have a cake can I have a cake

Can I have a cake right now that is not how you talk to me can I have a cake please now I’ve got to give you a [ __ ] cake it’s not even 700 a.m. that goes in doesn’t it can I have another cake can I have another cake can

I have another cake can I have another cake right now please can have another cake can have another cake the thing is darling what we’ve got to learn is that sometimes we want a nice thing and then we get the nice thing and we have to

Think oh wasn’t it nice to have a nice thing doesn’t mean we instantly have to have another four can I have four cakes can I have four cakes can I have four cakes can I have four cakes can I have four cakes this went on so relentlessly

That after a few hours of it I a grownup said to a three-year-old I couldn’t like love more who asks for knives and I meant it I said do you know what you can have whatever you want I swear to you he went I don’t want whatever I

Want and my friends are so kind about it they’re all like don’t worry you know it’s just his age he can’t help it’s just his age he’s just a threenager that’s what they say now it’s cute isn’t it but I think they should be honest and call him a

Thr big start to the year a weird start in fact uh got stranded in New York City it was on holiday with three other comedians in New York City there was a big snowstorm all the flights got grounded made the BBC News website four comedians stranded in New York City and

I’d imagine as people read that they thought oh four comedians stranded in New York City on the BBC News website I’d imagine we’ve heard of all of these comedians have we no no no no no please adjust your expectations dear reader because 3/4 of that article was

Dedicated to explaining who each one of us was everyone got their own little paragraph and that was exciting I was like how are they going to describe me what are they going to go with good comedian I would have taken that affable funer something like that well here’s

What they actually went with diabetic comedian diabetic I comedian now this annoyed me for a number of reasons Apollo firstly because it is technically true right it done some basic research I am type 1 diabetic I am a comedian put those two things together I can sort of see how he

Arrived at diabetic comedian but I still think it is a confusing Monica cuz I’m here to let you know tonight diabetic comedy is not a thing that is not a genre of humor that exists hope none of you have read about me on the BBC News website and when I

Walked out here you were like oh I can’t wait a bit of diabetic comedy look Cheryl we’ve read about him I wonder what he’s going to do what is this diabetic comedy is he going to test his blood sugar on stage and we can all guess what it

Is maybe he’s going to do one of his catchphrases pancreas what pancreas it’s not a thing it’s not a thing cuz not enough people know about diabetes would only be a thing if this was an audience full of diabetics which I’ll be honest is very rare well there’s definitely one in we know

That for sure give me a chair if you’re type one diabetic quite a few lovely type two doesn’t count um doesn’t count if you do it to [Applause] yourself should explain sorry guys there’s a lot of beef between the two communities it has to be beef cuz that

Has no impact on blood sugar levels see the majority of you will not know about diabetes people get confused about it in day-to-day life I’ll take you through some of the paraphernalia right this this is my insulin pen I inject insulin with this pen put a cartridge of insulin in here screw the

Needle on the end stick it in wherever right regularly do this in public the other day a woman saw me doing that and shephered her child away from me like I was some sort of horrible drugs man where did she think I’d come from to take heroin in this the future look at

It also move your child away from me like I’m suddenly going to go oh some for the little one share and share alike is a lesson he must learn this is my uh this is my blood sugar testing machine right use this on a regular basis throughout the day what

I do is I put my finger here click a little button a spike goes in and out like a James Bond shoe pierces my finger get blood out the end of it put the blood in the machine look at the screen take the reading act accordingly

Regularly do it in public the other day I was in in a cafe at a communal table a man watched me go through all of those steps break my finger get the blood put it in the machine look at the screen he Lent over and said o is that your

Phone what contract did he think I was on that it demanded a blood sacrifice someone else recently a friend of a friend saw me do all of that 25 minutes look really confused and out of the blue went sorry I’ve been meaning to ask is that your Vape my

Vape you see me put blood in it you maniac I know they get pretty wacky with the flavors but I think hemoglobin might be taking it a step too far also don’t ask me if something’s my vape cuz the basic translation of that sentence is are you a

[ __ ] I’m Sorry by the way if there’s any Vapors in here but you do not look as cool as you think you do you’re producing too much smoke the volumes are hilarious not even smoke as it’s dry ice is what that is you look like you’re recreating an episode of stars in their

Eyes with your head like you people call each other all kinds of things like without greeting i w what there’s no African that will call someone a wanker without greeting like it’s unheard of like I would have to you know what I mean like as Africans we

Greet first hello how are you how are the kids how’s work and you be like ah no everything is good yeah I said all of that just to call you a wanker yes there’s no way I could just go straight into wanker without I must let

It build up a little bit make you feel comfortable then destroy you you guys love the word wanker yeah my preferred word is [ __ ] no it’s just I like the word cuz it’s very homotopic cuz you guys are looking at me going what the hell is an homot

PE an automot toia is a word that sounds like the word it’s describing Splash boom bang Zoom vrooming those are all homot now you’re asking me how is the word [ __ ] and homot I will explain I believe if someone threw a vagina at you and it hit you in the

Face at the point of contact the sound it would make would be [ __ ] TW what happened to Johnny he got twatted in the face it’s coming home too soon too soon it’s it’s it didn’t it didn’t come home did I didn’t kind of went to France that’s what it Happ

Us and it was so crazy cuz you guys were so happy during the World Cup just singing his car I’m like you know you know it’s it’s not it’s not coming it’s not I didn’t want to break the news to you guys that the World Cup is not

Coming to Eng cuz you were so happy you’re so like you were just it’s no it’s not coming home at all it’s not some of you are upset at me looking at me going we’re not going to laugh at that joke loo listen after all the [ __ ] you’ve

Gone to Africa you can’t take one joke about losing the water it’s not coming home ever it’s not going to come home with Ashley Young is what I’m saying I love it here it’s nice when are you guys having another referendum woo can’t wait for the [Applause]

Referendum cuz for me the referendum was silly because you guys were trying to leave Europe it’s physically impossible for you guys to leave Europe you are in Europe where are you going to go cuz you are not welcome in Africa you are not welcome you are not Welcome you are not welcome at all fool me once the last referendum South Africa had was 1992 1992 you know what was in question should apartate end or should apartate continue but only white people were allowed to vote ah white people are amazing I love you guys I love

You but what’s going on with brexit guys what’s what’s going on is there a plan are you guys getting out how are you leaving how are you leaving this place that is physically impossible to leave of course it’s impossible cuz you can’t leave I I think this is what happened

This is what you guys this is what happened I think they invited all the European countries to a party then Britain had too much to drink and then at the party you started cussing out everyone ah look at you your French bastard look at you look French frog eating

B and then you look oh Itali oh look at this Italian Pastor who invited Poland and then you realize you didn’t have a left home I think you guys need to be more transparent when it comes to foxes I think you need to tell the world that you have foxes wandering your

Street like don’t let us just find out on the street while minding I think it should be a thing that you talk about casually we have the queen London ey oh yeah foxes for days foxes cuz I was walking through shortage High Street right shortage High Street

First world London what did I see Fox but not a fox running away from traffic the most confident Fox I’ve ever seen in my life this fox was investigating a crime like that’s how you know when the fox is like yeah yeah and so now I’m rolling with my

Friends and my friends are like you know I said to my friends I have to acknowledge this idea of a fox because the fox is here now like like the fox is there it’s a wild animal here now and everyone is come see the way you are

Come everyone is C I’m the only one who’s freaked out about this whole issue so now I have to address the issue of a wild animal in First World London so I said to my friends hey I don’t know much but I can tell you with

Confidence that that over there is a not a dog that’s not a dog it’s not a dog that over it’s not a dog that thing there that is my friends you so that’s a fox we’ve got tons of those yeah tell us before we come tell

Us and he looked at me said you from South Africa yeah you should be used to war animals then another one afid of B was like oh that’s a bit racist I said no it’s not I’m from Africa we have animals you people travel to see animals

What’s so racist about that then I realize you guys as Britain have [ __ ] up so much in the world that your racism is like you have another level of racism like we have like you know like your the RAC racism you guys discuss and talk

About it’s like that Nuance is it is I grew up during a part South Africa our racism was very very clear you know what I mean it wasn’t like subtle there’s a gray area it’s like why can’t we go to the beach because there’s a sign that says no blacks allowed I don’t

Understand you’re normally in bed ain’t you normally for a massage your partner normally in bed end of the day fair to say end of the day bed don’t do massage in the morning it’s far too DEC save it to the end lights out aren’t they lying down completely dark is it just lying

There and only one of you knows that a massage is about to take place if you’re not in on it you’re sitting there you got your eyes closed and you’re thinking to yourself I’m going to go to sleep now I’m going to go to sleep you’re

Lying there feeling safe just me and the person I trust most in the world last thing I’m expecting at this point is an ambush and then the partner turned to you in the dark like a coward spineless and they’ll say I’ve got a genuine muscular complaint but I really should get seen

To by a trained professional however how would you like to improvise a massage on me with your zero expertise would I ever let’s get this light back on then the masseuse will assume the position which if you’ve ever received a massage from a partner before you know the positioning question is sitting on

Them again I don’t know if you’ve ever paid for a professional massage this move rely crops up par themselves on your lower back is too familiar get your partner to do it get what you pay for you cheap skate that’s sitting on you just sitting on you just sitting on

You you know like a bully does just sitting on you’re like a bully and then they start guessing just having a flying guess all over your back do moves they’ve half remembered from films they’ve seen and you can’t see what I’m doing at the back there I’m just using the heels of my

Hands then you want to put them either side of the spine and then you want to put your full weight on that in the hope that that’s okay Wing that chance it it’s not your back and just move them out in a pattern that from where you are looks

Nice it’s pleasing to your ey if not to their actual back nice and symmetrical all the way up bit of shoulder work obviously you’re not stingy are you not stingy some shoulder work while you’re there what you doing there just Gathering all the skin and muscle a nice chunky

Pinch and just let it go and do it again all that is Let It Go just move it somewhere else put it back where it was that’s that move like an arcade claw that never wins anything never gets any toys no toys no toys hardest part of jwy

Duty I’ll tell you what it is the debates where to go off just the jury in a little room and debate the case every day everyone else opinions except for me I felt stupid in the end I just play Devil’s Advocate that’s what that’s what you do

If you don’t have an opinion it’s clever as Devil’s Advocate you don’t need an opinion you just say the opposite to what everyone else is saying it’s not on you cuz it’s not you it’s the devil who let’s not forget it’s a certified rter I was playing Devil’s Advocate from the

Get-go day one first debate we ever had everyone else on the jury they were saying how the murder was really bad Prime opportunity for a little da I piped up like hey guys to be be fair we’re going to die one day anyway these people who died a little earlier

They would have in the first place cut this guy some slack let him walk went back to the hotel I rang my mom up like hey Mom I play Devil’s Advocate in court today you’d have been proud of me I look real clever she said did you lead up to it by

Saying just playing Devil’s Advocate I went should I have she went undoubtedly otherwise it just sounds like your own horrific opinion day two involved a lot of back pedling had a similar problem with no pun intended couple days later we’re having a debate I piped up I like hey guys no

Pun intended but you think it’s possible that the gardener planted evidence so what so what back to my hotel and rang my mom up like hey Mom I said no pun intended in court today you’d have been proud of me I look real clever she said did you say no pun

Intended at the end of the sentence I went I said it at the top she went right that does sound like you knew fully well you were headed into a pun and did very little to change course therefore the pun was fully intended James I left the country for a

While Gordon Brown was in charge I came back now apparently the country is being led by two gay antique Steelers I don’t know how that happened but at least they’re getting along the Americans let me explain it to you there’s two parties in America you probably know this there’s Republicans

And Democrats Republicans are called the red States Democrats are the blue States uh the blue states are generally either on the West Coast or on the Atlantic Seaboard so basically uh Democrat is anyone who’s seen water you go to America find a Republican and take him to the beach and

Even the Republicans hate each other now so they have have a splinter group called The teabaggers the Tea Party teabaggers whose leader of course is Sarah Palin future presidential candidate who spent two years governing 8,000 square miles of snow and would occasionally nip out at

Lunch to blow the head off of moose from 300 yards away that’s presidential material another woman who’s moved to the Forefront uh running for a senator from Delaware named uh Christine O’Donnell who’s running on a platform of anti-masturbation she actually wants to make masturbation illegal I give that law 6

Minutes cuz the Bible says it’s wrong these are exact words well if my husband has figured out how to please himself why am I in the picture I got news for you you’re not no man ever whacked one out of the ballpark thinking of his wife ladies and

Gentlemen you be thinking of anything you’d be thinking of a 300 lb Arian milkmaid strapped over a barrel or you Banger with a kayak paddle wearing a Burger King paper crown and making her call you Mr King Big Daddy Spanky bottom we about to shoot a ropey

Parabola of manges onto her ham Hawk buttocks David Hasselhoff walks in dressed as a luqu pilot and says you’ve got a tax refund coming and if that’s wrong I don’t want to be right even though it was 21 years ago that my father choked to death on Sushi it’s still pretty

Raw a lot of people think that my dad was a weirdo but he wasn’t he was a lovely man and a great kisser here’s an interest here’s an interesting stat here’s an interesting here’s a fun fact did you know that only 21% of Americans have gone to University and shot someone

A special altered mode where the chemicals of the male Brain Change dramatically it it’s not for long it’s just after an event an event occurs and for five minutes after the event the male brain is a very different brain than it was just before the event basically there’s a buildup to the event

The event and then after the event and after the event it’s a completely different universe that the male brain is inhabiting for five most men have now gathered what I mean by the event right the event is a very happy event it’s the event it’s the good event the let me put

It on a medical term in Ireland the medical term is getting the ride that is a ter here the male brain is a wash with homans because they’re constantly going is this going to lead to the ride find the ride there must be a ride somewhere

This must be is there any ride here there’s no ride here go over there maybe there’s a ride there constantly telling you to get the ride then you get the ride and these chemicals [ __ ] off somewhere right and they leave you wandering around like you’ve been released from a hostage situation going

What has happened here it’s like the Matrix being switched off suddenly you see the universe as it truly is including all the Hideous decisions you’ve made particularly in the buildup to the ride you’ve just had who are you what are we doing in this skip Jesus what was I kicking for

The last half hour ladies if you want truth from a man you have a 5 minute window post orgasm in which to ask him any question you want right and you literally 5 minutes before the chemicals rush back in and the game begins again right it is so profound we should take

This into account like whatever and because the worst thing it does it offers Clarity and Clarity is a terrible thing to have when it comes to sex not just to sex but to all the stuff around sex can I apologize to every woman in this room for the ludicrous shite that

You’ have had foed upon you in the name of what we find horny some of which I know you only do in a kind of because you think it’s kind of an ironic little joke you know all that kind of booo [ __ ] right that we could that we could occasionally get you

To do because you think it’s a joke you’re going hahaa this is kind of a funny joke isn’t it and we’re going yeah yeah just keep doing it [Applause] right no but you’re you’re enjoying this and ironic level sure whatever just sing Santa Baby One More Time I mean lingerie is a perfect

Example of an entire Global industry based around this not ludicrous clothing right if you’re ever with a woman and she comes out dressed in lingerie and goes is this what you like is it is this is this is what you like is it you never feel more like an ape in a Simeon

Research laboratory as a kindly scientist from a superior species tries to Fathom how your lower brain works is this what you like is this show me on the flashcards if this is what you like banana banana tire and rope tire and rope banana banana TI and rope I mean stockings are a great

Example of this a ridiculous item of clothing but incredibly specific this is where the sexy is this exact height is where the sexy is don’t be going lower than this now no hanging you’ve gone below the knee our pop sock [ __ ] off no what a night we’ve had here at the

Ham of the Paulo legendary location for top quality stand of Comedy have you had a good night thank you very much that’s all for Apo