I was promiscuous at an early age, drank at an early age, always looking for that affirmation.

Michelle shares her story about growing up with an absent biological father, the struggles of being a fatherless daughter, and more.
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Following the far-reaching impact of The Father Effect short film, filmmaker John Finch narrates this full length documentary, detailing his own struggles of growing up without a dad, how it influenced his life, his insights into his own father wound, the life-changing power of forgiveness, and his overwhelming desire as a fatherless man to find his way as he raises three young daughters. While in the midst of this journey to find forgiveness for his dad, John had no idea how it would radically change his life forever as a man, husband, and father.

The full length film, a project that took 5 years to complete, is about John, but it’s also a story about the millions of others that have grown up and who are growing up without a father, and the significant and lifelong impact fathers have on their children and the generations that follow them. In The Father Effect documentary John takes a real and difficult look at his own father’s life and eventual suicide, and shares inspiration and insight for children and fathers everywhere who need to be encouraged and inspired. Throughout the film, John shares the powerful father stories of people from all walks of life, including a former exotic dancer, a drug addict, a former All-American & NFL quarterback, prison inmates, millionaires, counselors, best-selling authors (including John Eldredge – Wild At Heart & Dr. Meg Meeker – Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters), and many other ordinary people with extraordinary stories.

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John seeks to break down the barriers that prevent men and women from addressing deep rooted anger and hurt from the wounds they have suffered in this life by candidly and openly sharing his story, his failings, and his path to a new way of life. John’s mission is to educate, encourage and equip men to become the fathers they were created to be, and to help men walk in daily awareness of their significant and lifelong influence as fathers. Through The Father Effect Movie & Book, John shares stories and messages that will move viewers & readers to a new awareness about the everlasting impact of fathers and the importance of forgiveness and authenticity in the relationships of this world. John has been married for 23 years. has three daughters and lives near Dallas, Texas and he is the founder of The Perfect Father Ministries Inc, a 501(c) non-profit.

I was promiscuous at an early age, drank at an early age. Father Stories – Michelle, Entrepreneur Michelle, tell me about your father. What was he like? Well, I don’t really know what he was like. My perception of the little bit of time I was around him would be that quiet.

Probably as an adult, looking back, you could see the insecurity, maybe. The unsettledness. I would say there’s probably some insecurity, some stuff going on in there, but he always appears to be very quiet and unsure of himself. Do you know anything about his father? I don’t because my grandfather passed away.

I’m not sure how old he was when his father died, but I know my grandmother was a widow and there’s four boys. So I’m not sure when that happened. But yeah, my grandfather passed away. What’s the one word you would use to describe your father? Absent. Just absent.

Are there any good things you learned from your dad? Good things I learned from my dad? I was thinking about that, and I I can’t. I can’t. I don’t know that I have an answer. A good thing that I learned from him would be, yeah, to not abandon my own child. Okay.

So I guess along those same lines, what are the bad things you learned? The bad things I learned. Looking back and understanding what you just said. There are a lot of struggling in relationships. I guess always looking to, I guess, to other men or boyfriends or

Whatever to fulfill that loss of not ever having that, feeling that need to be loved and not understanding that I’m already loved and I am worthy and I am a valuable person. I don’t know whether he’s around or not. So growing up without that father,

As a young child, a young girl, what do you think the impact of that was? Oh, it was huge. I don’t know what it would be like to have a father, but I know not having one. I was promiscuous at early age, drank at an early age.

I never did drugs, but there’s just this insecurity in relationships. My friends are like, You weren’t shy, but I guess it’s your own. Maybe they didn’t know how I felt. I don’t know if I faked it. I don’t know. But always searching for affirmation, needing affirmation, not understanding that you are good enough

Because when your father, especially, I would say a father, abandons you, but both parents, you just feel unloved. What do you wish your dad would have told you but never did? I was going to say that he loved me, but I would have rather…

That would have had to been following up by actions. I would have loved to known that I was loved. But just saying it, you can just say it all the time and have no actions to follow it and still feel unloved. What do you wish your dad would have shown you?

If you would have had a father, what’s the one thing you think is most important for dad to show their daughters? That how valuable they are, that their self-worth does not come from a man and to hold on to it as long as they can

That they are worthy, and to show men how to treat them. You have women out there that are wife material, women that are women. The difference is that wife material women, they know how they deserve to be treated and how they want to be treated. They know that their worth and value

Doesn’t come from whether that man loves them or not. They know that there could be five men that walk into a room and they all want to date you or be with you, but that woman is strong enough to go, But you know what? You’re not sent from God.

Or, I don’t need to have sex with you to prove that I’m worthy or lovable. I mean, women need to know that. They find their value. They think if they have sex with a man, that’s where their value comes from and that they’re going to get this man.

And that may not be the man for them. But they’re searching so much for love, just to be loved, that they’re willing to find it anywhere. As a follow-up to that statement, Why do you think most women are that way? What causes a woman to think

That I need sex or I need to have sex with that man to make my life better? Where does that come from? I can tell you one place it comes from and from experience that my stepfather molested me. So when you feel like this is the only way that you get love

Or this is all that they love about you, I should say, you take that into your puberty years, your teenage years, your adult years, and you think, Well, this is the only good thing about me. That’s what you believe. And so what you believe about yourself is what you will do.

And somewhere along the way, nobody ever told them that there was any other good thing about them. Do you think, does that come somewhere in women Is that something that society shows us, too, I guess, by all the things that you see? Oh, the media, all the media. And what’s interesting nowadays,

Even dating It’s almost like the first thing that you have to check off your list is, well, do we connect sexually? Instead of, Can we be friends? Can we get along? Do we have anything in common? Do we share the same values or morals?

But the first thing on the checklist is, Well, do we have sex good? That’s sad. That’s sad. You’ve given the most important part of yourself away. Most men actually mistreat that. What’s sad is this is somebody’s daughter, and would you want your daughter to be treated that way?

I look at these men and go, would you want your daughter to be treated the way that you’re treating these women? Then the women allowing it to happen, do you want your daughter doing that? So, yeah, there’s so much emphasis

On sexuality and body type and image that we think that that’s what’s important. When did you realize the impact of growing up without a father and how it affected your life? Wow. I’m going to take a minute to think about that? That’s a good question.

I don’t know when I really realized the impact of it. Maybe almost last year when I went to the Meadows for a week, I did a workshop, and the first workshop you have to do is Survivors One. And it’s dealing with all your childhood issues from zero to seventeen.

Being in there, and you get to pick the people you want to talk to. So whoever hurt you, whoever abandoned you, or whoever abandoned you or whoever you want to talk to. So picking my dad, and you actually go through the motions, they’re invisible, but the counselor opens

The door and lets them come in, invites them, talks to them by name. You can say, Do you want them to sit here or would you like them to stand at the back of the room? Or this whole role modeling. You get to speak to them and write them

Letters and say the things that you want to say to them. It was interesting because my ex-husband always said that because I grew up without a father, I didn’t know how to treat a man. I didn’t fully agree with that because I am very loyal and faithful,

And I am respectful, which I know that men need. But there becomes a point where when you’re not getting your needs met or you’re having to play both roles, the dynamic becomes messed up. So it can seem as if you don’t respect or you don’t know how to treat a man.

But I think it was probably just a year ago that I realized the impact of looking back, of having to go back to zero to seventeen, the impact of not having what that did. You’re somewhat aware of it through your life, but really understanding the impact that it had.

Even dating now, I don’t date. I don’t really date a lot. God gifted me with discernment so I can automatically tell a lot of things. It’s not a judgment, but it’s just a just a discernment, a sense of whatever. But finally learning to stand up for myself and saying, You know what?

I am worthy, and I don’t need you, and I don’t need your worldly views to make me feel important. I want to be treated like a lady, and I want respect and honor, and I deserve it, and voicing it and asking for it up front.

As opposed to being thankful that they like me. Really going through that last year and now and understanding that going, wow, I feel so empowered standing up for myself, actually asking for what I want and not settling for anything less.

Knowing that if that person can’t give me that, then that’s not the person for me. God will order my steps and he will bring the right person and not automatically thinking that, Wow, this person must be my soulmate. I mean, we get along great. We have a great time. Sex is good.

Everything seems okay. And it’s not really, because that’s not what it’s based on. So I think with the last year is when I had really come to the realization. In high school, I drank. I mean, we lived to drink. I grew up in a small town, and all the guys had cool cars.

I mean, even the girls did, but the guys did for sure. So we all partied, and I would bong a beer and shotgun a beer. And so my thing were wine coolers and beer. I didn’t really drink hard liquor. I didn’t have a taste for it, but I drank a lot.

My aunt and I snuck out of the house a lot. We Snuck the car out a lot. So living with my paternal grandmother, she was drunk. She was an alcoholic. But we had really strict rules. We could only watch certain TV shows and sit ten feet back from the TV.

We were in church three times a week. We didn’t go out to eat. She always made meals. But we had an uncle that lived in the house. We I had two uncles that lived in the house, one on one side, and one had

One side of the garage turned into his room, and he was always high. We would literally sneak that car out of the garage with him right I’m like, Is anyone aware? Are you just so high and stone and so drunk and passed? I mean, it was crazy.

But I guess that was my way of getting a feeling secure because when I drank, I was a blast. I had a great time. I got along. Just life was fun, and you didn’t really have to focus on anything else going on. You could pretend almost.

When guys would come along that were interested in me, I was flattered. I was very flattered. I remember starting my sophomore year, and a senior would with his risky business glasses on would stare at me on the stairway like he pursued. I thought that was cool.

I’m looking back and I look back at everything in my life until this point. I think that I made good decisions and that God brought me this person and whatever. But I look back and I think everything was the same. How did I meet this person? How did I meet this person?

How did I meet my friends? It’s all the same pattern. And so I had to step back after my ex-husband divorced me and go, Where is my responsibility in this? And what do I need to change? And

Not be guided by the past anymore and just stand up for myself and know that no matter what has happened, that’s all gone and over and I have a fresh start. At some point, I have to take over and take control

Of my life the way God wants me to and let him take over. Yes, I look at all that and everything was the same. As much as you want to deny it, as much as you want to make an excuse for this situation and this situation

And justify everything that’s been done, it was still all the same pattern. At some point, you just have to go, You know what? I’m tired. I’m tired. No matter whether I had a father or not, I still have to take responsibility

For my actions and make a choice to change and know that I am loved. It’s hard when you don’t have a male figure telling you that they truly love you for who you are and not expect anything from you. One of the things,

Again, another message that we want to convey in the film is, and you spoke to it, it’s the idea I think so many of us get caught in that, okay, I got a father wound, so I can blame that on everything. We all can have that victim mentality,

But there comes a point where you got to say, okay, I’m done with this. I’m moving forward, and I’m not going to be a victim of the author. For the forgiveness and everything else that helps you get past that. But

Just sitting here listening to your story, too, Michelle, I will say, you know what? There’s no telling how God is going to use your story and how he’s going to use the things that you went through in the past and how you’re going to be able

To connect with other women as a result of that. And the incredible change that you can have, your story can have in their life. So that’s just a word of encouragement. And what’s interesting, too, is I think having an influence over men.

I mean, there are a couple of men that are listening, going, wow, with their own… They’re just now dealing with their own stuff going, Wow. However God uses it, we all have a story. I think what people really need to understand is you’re not alone.

We all walk around thinking, We’re the only one going through this. We’re the only one that had to deal with this. Because you look at the outside of people’s lives and you think that everything is great. A lot of times people will go, Oh, I wish I had their life.

I did that growing up. I wish I had these parents or this type of life or whatever. But we don’t know what’s really going on, and we have to be careful what we wish for. But I think what people need to know is that you’re not alone.

There’s always somebody that’s been in your shoes that can relate or understand. If we open up and reach out, and I think what makes some women scared, too, and even men, is having reached out sometimes and getting shot down. So we have to not get discouraged and know that there’s somebody out there

That can impact us, that can help us or steer us in the right direction. What do you wish your dad would have done differently? I wish my dad would have made an effort, just some effort, just consistency. Just even living in another state,

Letting me know that no matter what, I was the apple of his eye. You know that he loved me. That I was important to him. It’s really hard knowing that he’s got another family. I have a half brother that I barely know that he does a lot for.

He’s always there for him, and that’s his kid. It’s very difficult. I just don’t understand how you can know that you have a child in this world, that you have nothing to do with. How do you think growing up by a father, specifically, has impacted the way you relate to men?

Well, I think initially, part of you doesn’t trust them. I think that’s the first thing. I think you don’t trust them. And so it goes back to you trying to do everything you think you should do to keep them, that you think if you do this or…

Some of it’s performance, some of it is not being yourself even, becoming someone else to keep them so you don’t lose that love. Because I think if a woman has the love of her father, she feels strong and empowered and knows that she doesn’t need anybody else,

That she is worthy because her father loved her. He raised her and he brought her up and said, I love you and you’re important and don’t let any… I wish I had that father that when the man came to pick me up

For a date at sixteen years old, or the boy, I should say, that my father was at the door with a shotgun going, You better not mess with my daughter or I’m going to mess with you. I wish I had that. I had nobody there protecting me.

I felt like a free for all. What do you think your father’s absence told you? Oh, absolutely that I was not important, that I was not loved. That simple. I don’t love you. What was the most… Because you left on early age, do you

Have a most memorable time or experience with your dad at all? There’s only two times as a child growing up that I can remember being around my dad. And one time was when he came to visit me when I lived in Germany. I remember him coming there and being

There and my mom telling me that this is my dad and feeling very shy and back offish and confused, knowing that my stepdad was my stepdad. But I don’t even really remember the time we spent together. I have a photo of me being on his

Shoulders or whatever, but I don’t even remember that. In fact, there’s most of my childhood that I don’t remember. I do remember another time where my grandmother took my aunt and I to I went to visit him in Colorado on the bus, and it was when my half brother was born,

And he was remarried, and his wife was weird. It wasn’t warm and welcoming. It just felt odd, but no real connection. There’s no connection there. No scooping me up in his arms going, “Oh, my gosh, I miss you. I love you.” I mean, never any of that interaction, even being around him.

There’s a quote by Tony Dungey. Love him. And he talks about how we’re growing up with a whole generation of men… Yes. who don’t know what they mean to their kids. What do you think about that? I think he’s spot on. I definitely think there is an epidemic going on.

The generation of men… I think the church is doing a poor job, first of all. I think the church wants the people to come into the four walls, and that’s that’s not where the church really is. The church is out. I just think it’s sad because it just keeps

Following generations and who gets to break that generational curse? I mean, who gets to help these people at some point, someone stand up and say, This is a problem, because some of these men don’t know how to do it. You listen to the prison kids, they’ve never even heard the word respect.

Then what they’ve been taught about it is something completely different than what it is. It’s more demanding it and not knowing how to give it. I mean, Tony is right on, and I don’t know how. I mean, there’s got to be something. This movie is going to help.

Something has to be done to help these men, these boys. It starts with the boys. I love all the men out there. Just have to say that are focusing on the children and mentoring the children because that’s where it starts.

If you could say one thing to your father right now, what would it be? I’ve often thought about that because even after I came out of the Meadows, I thought I was going to tell him what he did and let him know the impact, what happened to me from him not being there.

I went back and forth with it. Should I say something? Should I not? Would it even matter? Would he even care? So I think the thing that I would tell him, though, is that I forgive him. That’s really the only thing that I could say to him is that I forgive you.

What advice would you give the men out there right now that are fathers? That are fathers? I would tell them to be present in their kids’ presence, to be intentional. But aside from that, that whatever struggles they have going on, they need to get help first. Love is unconditional, and it’s not selfish.

So whatever, even if they think that they’re doing a good job, I would ask them to reevaluate what they’re doing, to get good counsel, good mentor, talk with other fathers that have a good relationship with their kid, whether you have a good one or not.

I definitely ask men that think that they do to reevaluate what’s going on. But they need to be purposeful. To be purposeful. God says, put God first, and then your marriage, and then your kids. But sometimes, our kids have to come first before our selfish needs, meaning that…

Especially if you’re a single father and you get your kids every other weekend, be intentional with that weekend. Be there. Show up. Do what you say you’re going to do. Be consistent. Showing them that you love them is being there. That’s the way they understand it.

It’s not just a, I love you at the end of the phone call. It’s not, Yeah, I’m going to take you to a movie, and then not taking them. You can’t do that to a kid. You have to do what you say you’re going to do. So be there.

For fathers that are in the home, that are married, show them how much you love your wife. Teach them how be a good husband and being a good father. If you think you’re being a good father, just reevaluate it and step back and go, Am I? Just

Take a look at yourself and deal with whatever junk you have going on and go get help and do what you need to do to raise those kids right. Because if not, we’re just going to keep repeating a cycle. I never wanted for my kid what I had to go

Through, and I was very intentional about raising him that way. I was very protective, very loving, very physically loving, even, hugging him, letting him know, words of affirmation, stability, structure. Those are some of the things that kids need. They don’t need antagonism, they don’t need sarcasm, they don’t need your name calling.

They need understanding and patience and guidance. Telling a kid, Oh, we don’t do that without an explanation, isn’t helping them. So go get parenting books. Go talk to some of the experts. Go talk to your church leaders or friends that you know that appear to be

Great fathers to you that have a great relationship with their kids. You don’t want to go talk to the father that their kid’s a bully in the classroom. I mean, You wouldn’t get advice on money from a guy who didn’t have any.

You have to go to the right people, but you have to be intentional. For those of you who aren’t fathers, that think you want to be a father that can’t wait to have kids. Make sure you have all your stuff right before you do it. It’s a big responsibility.

You’re dealing with another human being. I don’t think people really realize what they have or what having a kid means. What do you think is the best thing a father can do for a child? Not having one, not having had one.

That’s a tough question for me, but I can come from the mother’s point of view. But I personally I would say being there. Okay. What’s the worst thing? Not following through. Not following through. And that could be on anything. It could be not following through on something you promise them.

It could be not following through on raising them up in the way that they should go. It could mean not following them through with showing them that you love them. So not following through as the responsibility you have as a father. But for me, I would say abandonment. But there’s so much more

Because you can still be present in there and still not be doing your job. If you had a friend who was going to be a father for the first time, what advice would you give him? Knowing myself, I probably wouldn’t give advice at first. I would probably ask him some questions.

I would ask him what his thoughts are on parenting. Has he thought about it? What does he think a father is? I would spur a conversation that way first because I want them to think about… I would want to hear his answers and where he’s at before I would say

Anything to him, so I would know what to say to him. But it’s important that they… And by asking them questions, it makes them think about it and where they’re at and what they have in mind. Because a lot of times, You just get lame on the surface answers.

But I would tell him that he needs to think about the responsibility and what it actually means to be a father and take a look at his own life and look at the good and bad, and then do the opposite of the bad and keep the good.

As far as men or families leaving the church and then going back home thinking that they’re parenting correctly, just because they did the checklist, now we went to church. This is what we’re supposed to do. Then you come home and you’re yelling

At your kids and you’re yelling at your wife or you lose your patience or temper. Those are things that are not acceptable. What makes a good parent is that when a parent gels or loses his patience and then says, You know what? I am sorry I did that.

That had nothing to do with you. That was all me. I apologize. Can you forgive me? That’s the stuff, the examples that kids need to see. They need to know that they’re loved unconditionally, that their love is not

Based on performance, that, wow, my dad loves me as long as I make straight A’s. And so that’s what they feel like they have to do. So they’re always striving for performance. And I see that so much. But they need to know that, you know what?

I love you no matter what, no matter whether you make an A or an F. But there’s going to be consequences, good and bad consequences to good and bad actions. Just that consistency of knowing, well, you know what? They need to understand that if you’re asking them to make an A,

It’s coming from a place of only for their best and not for your love. But church, You know what? Men need to step up and start being the spiritual leaders in their household. I feel like today that women are playing both roles, and we were not designed to do that.

The men were designed to be the providers and the spiritual leaders of the household, and that’s their job and their responsibility, and raise their children up in the way that they should go. They’re not doing that. There’s a lack of that. It really is an epidemic.

Women are exhausted, and we can’t do both roles. Then we’re becoming bad parents also because we can’t fulfill both roles. We can do our best. I think there are a lot of women out there, especially in single-parent homes that do a great job, and we’re forced to do it.

But especially for the men that are married with families that are in the home, they need to step up and become the spiritual leader. I would say no matter what’s going on with them, whatever stuff they’re dealing with, they need to deal with their stuff and take responsibility of their family.

For the men that are not in the home, you’re a single dad, you’re still the dad, you’re still their father. Nothing changes is because you’re not living as a family unit. You still need to be the spiritual leader

For that child, and you still need to be their father, and you need to show up and be present and do what you say and love that child and let them know that it doesn’t matter what’s happened and admit that you’ve made a mistake.

It’s okay for us to admit that we make mistakes. That’s what our kids need to hear. You know what? I made a mistake and I’m working through it and I’m doing the best that I can, but I still love you and it’s not your fault.

I’m sorry if any of this is burdening you or you’re taking any of this on or I’m not there for simple things like that. It makes such a difference to a child. Watch the Father Effect movie for free on YouTube.