Brennan Reece | Crowded | Full Comedy Special

An hour long full comedy special from Brennan Reece

They asked me where I wanted to fill my show and I said the city of Salford not a city it’s not a city is it give me a cheer if you’re from sford great town not a city honest to God it’s the GU of Manchester it’s not a

City it’s not a city do you know why cuz people think that what makes a city is having a cathedral in it and that’s not the case the only way you know there’s a city is if there’s a gay area and a Chinese bit that’s how you make a city in every

Single city in the world they always put the gay Village next to the Chinatown and I think what do they both love turns out karaoke they they love they love it big fans have we got any gay people in ah get out no nice to have you

Welcome nice to meet you what’s your name laa and how long you been doing that far 35 years bloody how old are you 35 35 so you started off quite soon then this man’s here to get you removed come on just ki do you know what as this man’s

Walking in very hard to spot a gay guy in 2023 you for example just stay St up soever just do a little twirl right look at him but like from the neck up you look cuz you’re bold and that you look you could be quite aggressive but like from

The neck down very well dress you would fit in at two very different parades you would you’d fit in perfectly like a gay pride parade but you’d also fit in perfectly like an edl rally but yeah just marching around being like what do we want [ __ ] where do

We want it not from around here so nice to have you it’s nice I think that the city of Manchester and the Northwest is very welcoming to gay people apart from Once about a year ago when I was stood in the center of town just getting a little

Selfie as you do and then this chavy lad comes towards me on his b proper horrible looking lad like he look like he was born in a sports direct mug like he weren he right like I know you’re not allowed to do this anymore o but I thought

It and I knew there was going to be trouble as well cuz he was doing a wheelie for about 4 minutes he’s just coming out and as I’m getting my selfie he comes by goes what you doing I said I’m just getting a selfie of me in the

Street and he went why are you gay I what I thought you don’t know what gay is um so I showed him and he wasn’t happy he wasn’t couldn’t ride bike so cuz I cuz I did it on him did a full sex right within him about a year ago just

Had sex no lot of he was a he was a man he was definitely a man he was a man he was old enough he was vaping so um do me a favor what was it Laura nice to meet you right so pick a number

Between five and 10 uh seven seven 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 how you doing mate you’re all right how much do you hate Laura right now watch your name Mark nice to meet you Mark Mark with a k or Mark with a c

With a K correct that’s the good one cuz Mark with a c we know what it stands for so what’ you do Mark uh apprenticeship what you doing apprenticeship on taxi dermic tax I thought you were a taxi driver I was like what the [ __ ] taxi dermy Apprentice I’d love to see week

One of that do you know we look like animals have been bought off wish.com like that’s a horse that so what did you do before that I worked in finance you worked in finance and then you give it up for for stuff in animals week one of of that of

Apprenticeship like of taxid did you just like put you at build-a Bear kiss the heart kiss the heart so why did you get into that I love that why did you get into that just like stopping I love how this lady is sort of looking at her own honest to God it’s destroyed

It’s it looks like chewbaca with a cleft palet it’s ruined ruined how did you say you wanted to give up that for your dream we used to work together you used to work together and what do you do now I work in tax but good good tax good

Tax the good tax is taxad dermy that’s the tax we want cuz here’s a tip if you sit near the front comedians ask one or three questions they go what’s your name where you from what do you do as a job next time just make some up right say you do

Something really worthy because we Panic honest to God like if you said you were a doctor my mouth’s gone dry my bum’s gone wet I can’t take the piss out of it if you say you work for the NHS you win have we got any nhs’s in oh amazing cuz

You not been [ __ ] banging on about it for the past few years and By the way if there’s any Applause tonight it’s not for you it’s not for you look at that is it Thursday is it Thursday already I can’t tell cuz I worked such long shifts I’m only joking it must have been dead ad you know when everyone else lost

Their jobs and you kept yours so nice to meet what’s your name Emma Emma nice to meet you Emma and what you doing for NHS is he like proper NHS or you just like filling vending machines and that like what’s your GP receptionist GP receptionist those claps weren’t for

You je do you know that glass that they put between us and you that’s for our protection isn’t it cuz what is it why are you such a bit [Laughter] I’ve met some amazing NHS people over the past few years because they’re proud and they should be I met this woman a

Couple of months ago who worked in children’s A&E and I said to her I said what’s the best thing you’ve ever seen at work and she went oh let me tell you I think she’s been struck off now but she like let me tell you there was a

15-year-old boy you come in right and he got a can of lyx theodan stuck in his ass half a Christmas gift set stuck in his own ass a can of lyns no picture that in your head in his bum it’s so aggressively shaped like if

You’re going to do it do it like a can of Dove like oh oh nice nice a can of lynx you might as well put a can of soup up your ass links Africa as well you think haven’t they suffered enough so what he’s done he must have got bored completed

Minecraft he’s put some lipstick on a can and he’s popped it up his ass rookie era is not made a string to it so at one point his body snatched it from his own body and I said to this woman who works in children’s a& E I said that must have

Been awful she said the worst thing was he had to go downstairs and tell his mom could you imagine at 15 years old all those hormones building up inside you then you go downstairs like [Applause] that his mom’s like you smell nice you’re going out no never never never

Again so say you’re a doctor and say you’re a nurse and i’ leave you alone very nice to meet you mark do me one more and then we’ll crack on with the show pick a number between five and 10 three three oh my God oh my God he’s thick he’s fully thick thick

With an f as well he’s [Applause] thick pick a number between five and 10 ask the man who worked in finance three three do you want another go go pick a number between five and 10 five you’re not gone that bold with it I

Would have gone through full 10 1 2 3 4 5 how are you doing you’re all right don’t worry we haven’t got time so do you know what we have we’ve got so much time because over the past few years it’s been really hard to write any

Jokes and I’m going to let you into a secret now I’ve not written a show it’s been so hard CU it feels like the world’s on fire there’s two reasons why I’ve not written a show first one is cuz I’m a procrastinator have you got any other procrastinators in yeah nice

To turn up on time well I’ve been a procrastinator all my life I was born two weeks overdue first words 2 years old First Steps three I didn’t get any pubes till I was 16 and and then when I turned 30 years old my mom told me I had to move out of

Home she said you’re 30 Now isn’t it best you move out and I thought you’ve lived here longer you’re in your 60s bar off your foot I see in a bit imagine still living at home in your 60s pathetic one of the tough things about

That is she forced me out of the house quicker than she did a fanny so I my mom’s in by the way barrels Z give her a che she I love her love me Mom she’s living so that’s the first reason why I’ve not written a show second reason is

As I said too hard to write jokes I’ve tried to write about everything that’s been going on over the last few years and I found nothing funny about it I even tried to write like simple jokes old school jokes do you know we go like knock knock who’s there not your grand

Like it’s been hard so what I’ve done is I’ve asked you to answer some of these questions loads of different questions and you’ve given some absolutely brilliant answers so over the next hour what we’re going to do is we’re going to use these I’m going to ask you some questions and we’re

Going to make a show out of it and I’m not going to take the piss right I might take the piss but I’m not going to take it too much because I know what I look like I picked this to film my comedy hour and my dad said I look like a badly

Rolled spliff would just there to have a bit fun all right so we’re going to use these we’re going to have a nice time are you up for a show it’s Saturday night in the city of sford are you up for a show cool let’s Begin so basically what most people do when they’re trying to write a show is we try and find a universal thing so when I was trying to write it I thought I’ll write about my child or cuz we’ve all been Childs before and Mark’s at the front he’s like that’s actually the right

Term but we have and you look back at it and I was trying to find stuff funny from my childhood and there was nothing really that I could find but one of the things is I think cuz my mom’s proteced me quite a lot from the world right like

All the bad things like when I was a kid she was just trying to protect me from everything so I don’t really remember it properly even about a year ago I went through a breakup and my mom was there to protect me have we got any parents in

Yeah yeah you you parent you got kids yeah yeah you look like you’ve got kids uh but like on a hard drive and I uh I’m I’m joking I’m joking oh I’m sorry I offended some pedophiles in the audience is that what’s happened there I mean it’s a

Weird one if you are cuz you can’t really complain can you can’t be like excuse me right I mean the fact you’ve not denied it’s an issue but parents right when your kids grow up they [ __ ] love it when their kids get hurt cuz it means they come back

Home just come to Mama it made me think of all the times I’ve been hurt as a child and it was my mom’s fault it was taking the stabilizers off my bike before I knew how to ride it off you go come to M oh should we have a

Picnic by this bin full of wasps come to M shouting upstairs your tea going cold you shove a potato waffle in your head it burns the roof off your mouth come to and if you’re not getting any of these references it’s cuz you’re middle class so for this bit just imagine that

Your opair hit you in the face with a cocet mallet something like that your mom forgot to Pat your chia seeds and I don’t know why we put all our faith in moms right because are you a mom yeah you’ve not got any medical background have

You have you what’ you do um I’m a student you’re a student ofy psychology so you have no medical problem but I will see you after the show just cuz I’ve got some things going on my mom’s got no medical background I always run to her when something is bad

I know my mom’s not got any medical background because when I was 10 years old I broke my arm we didn’t go to the hospital for 3 days because my mom put a wet paper towel on it I’m worried one day I might get an STD and she’ll offer to kiss it better

Oh dirty dirty barel so that’s why I asked these questions question 61 name something pivotal that happened in adolescence someone said I lost my virginity at 15 and a half 15 and a half why are we doing that to a man which turned me gay it was behind the bike sheds this

Sounds like a dirty en blighton novel who’s that person you’re pointing at this late nice to meet you what’s your name Jenny Debbie Debbie nice to meet you Debbie that’s a name that’s not coming back is it Debbie Debbie look at little newborn Debbie

Um so you were 15 and a half at school I’m imagining no no I lived in Glasgow you lived in Glasgow it’s quite late to lose your virginity actually two years before the average life expectancy very nice oh it’s there’s a theme coming here question 61 name something pivotal that happened in

Adolescence slept with a black man with a big Willie but you were younger so it probably seemed bigger do you like a Mars bar you’re like they used to be massive when you grow up you know actually not that big is it and then this is a fun one question

61 names something pivotal that happened in adolescence I realized what my mom meant when she called my rude bits My Money [Laughter] Box who’s that person where are you just for some context right because it’s my like Hometown gig there’s people in here that I know [Applause]

This this is is Bev who’s my my wonderful ex-girlfriend’s mom but I’m more intrigued why it was called your money box because what [ __ ] were you earning Bev don’t know you you don’t ever shut up Bev this is not the time to be quiet well she used to call it your toen

She used to call it you toen was it weird at one point because I’m not saying you’re of a certain age Bev but you are um when you went from tant and then everything changed from like uh the you know the metric system did you have to change it to like Penny just

That’s to round it up which is not what you want to do with you Fanny so see that’s a fun one that’s the tough one and I think most people they focus on the bad things that happened in their ch childhood like I got bullied quite a

Lot at school I went to an old boy school surprise and I got bullied I got bullied for all sorts because I was gay because I wasn’t gay because I had glasses because I had hay fever [ __ ] off just cuz I’m allergic to May and June you could [ __ ]

Off the main reason I got bullied at school is cuz I had no pebes it was the in thing it was the yo-yo of its time everyone at my school just wanted pubes and they all had them I remember see seen him in a PE changing

Room like a bird’s eye view with a Jackson 5 it was l so nice and I didn’t have them and I wanted them so where did I go to my mom I’m like Mom please can I have a couple of pubes she’s like I can’t give you that

I’m like cut a couple off I’ll stick them on with PVA she like you’re not having them I’d storm upstairs I’d pray to God please God give us a couple of pubes I’d really like some pubes if there’s anything you can do give me a pube whenever was my birthday a big

Costco cake had come out with candles in the top my mom would go make a wish I’d be like PE and the other Lads in my school they knew I didn’t have any cuz what they would do in break time is they’d rip out some of theirs and they’d hold it under

My chin to see if I liked it and do you know what’s happened now I’ve prayed too much cuz they won’t stop they’re coming out of everywhere my ears my nose my ass I’ve got pubes on me toes I don’t know what they’re for I have to shave just

Below my eyelid shave shave shave sh shave shave shave shave by the time I’ve done a ha is growing again and I don’t know what to do but when I got to 16 and the first couple started sprouting out just two on each side looked like my willly was an inverted [Laughter] Comm

As soon as mine came in everyone else was wipping them off and it’s not like now where you can go on the internet and you can just sort of go how do I get rid of my pews I was 16 all I had to my disposal was my mom’s bathroom and you

Root around and you try and find anything you find tweezers I can’t do that at one point I nearly bicked my own balls oh with a razor not a pen I wasn’t Like and then I found a box that completely changed my life it was a thing called nah it’s like vits for poor people you get it in like B&M Bargains which is like weight trows for poor people and I slaved myself in it completely has anyone ever used vit or

Nare on their own bits yeah one man put his like can yeah what’s your name mate David nice to meet you David and how was it for you sore sore in it gets hot honest to God I was just like any just smothered it every I’m wearing it now I’m just every

Single or I just wanted to get rid of it and then no one warned her but it just starts to burn it gets hotter and hotter hotter than an Eco wash it was [ __ ] hot and I didn’t know what to do about it so I just called me Mom I’m like Mom

Mom my balls are on fire she runs upstairs she’s blowing on them that’s not good they’re just going back and forth like one of those office desk toys like that no do you want know how hot it was it felt like a teabag the Dragon there was nothing in my childhood and I thought I’d go back a bit further to see if there was anything interesting about me do you know what I mean when you look a bit further because I’m a straight white male comedian there is nothing good in the comedy industry that

Has come from us apparently so I wanted to find something interesting so I did a DNA test right you get them off amazon.co.uk and they send you this test tube and you spitting it and then two weeks later they tell you whether your dad’s your dad and I thought I [ __ ] hope he’s

Not because then I’ve got a show cuz you don’t know do you you just meet a man and he goes I uh little baby I’m your dad and then you just go okay but me and my dad were so different like he’s Ginger I’m not he’s in his 60s I’m

Not I just thought maybe he’s this test Sho comes comes back two weeks later tells me my dad’s my dad I was livid tells you other stuff tells you when you might go bald what food you don’t like eating and then it told me the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever heard about

Myself that’s why I asked this question here question 72 what is one thing about yourself that you’re embarrassed about someone’s done two air good work I can’t say the word tarantula who’s that who can’t you can’t say tarantula feels like the remedial group right at the

Front and then the second bit I have a smear sample in my pocket [ __ ] off that if you didn’t see that that woman literally went get the [ __ ] away you dirty tarantula bastard it’s not the sample it’s the stick oh that’s better so what do you cuz I I’ve never

Had to smear test it mine’s coming up and don’t get it oh do you know what get it out she’s literally vomiting in her own mouth I mean can I just you’ve not you’ve not oh my [ __ ] good Lord looks like an oral be cast off I’m joking I’m

Joking smells but I like it why have you brought that it was just in your pocket anyone else brought a [ __ ] smear sample just talk me through it cuz as men we probably need to learn so I’m guessing the the the you get on that Gym machine where you do that right

And then you’re I don’t know why I’m making direct eye contacts and then what they just Hocus Pocus yeah you have to use a thing to open it well like an empty can of Pringles what you talk I don’t know what you’re talking about a speculum so you can say speculum but not

Tarantula you’re you’re a joke they’re good they’re funny mine was embarrassing when this DNA test comes back not bald dad’s my dad turns out I am 100% British 100% British you don’t want to be 100% British that means like my great great great great great great grandma was

Going out this fat pale slob of a man with gout and then the beautiful bearded six-pack Ikea Vikings came over and she went notar a 100% British it shows you a heat map of where your family have been over the past several hundred years and it

Turns out that no one in my family has been further than centry no one in my family’s been to thought part people my age they brag oh I’m the first one in my family to go to UNI I’m the first one in my family to go to

Houston and I don’t want to be 100% British cuz I know what that turns into does anyone love being British by the way yeah who would then yeah yeah you love it you love it you oh you look you do look like you love it what’s your favorite thing about Britain

What we’re an island we’re an island Google Hawaii and come back to me I actually don’t think Hawaii is an island is it is it we’ll keep that in Google Hawaii now to nailed him no you don’t want to be like cuz I know what it turns into my uncles’s

British 100% my granddad was British 100% And it means I’m going to be a gam I don’t want to be a [ __ ] gamon if you don’t know what a gamon is you right you’re not a gam Paul you like way for finham at best and these men [ __ ]

Horrible men who just hate everything that’s ever existed if you don’t know what they look like it looks like someone’s made a snowman out of Angel Delight just like short sleeve shirts carrying a snooker C to [ __ ] nowhere I don’t get these men cuz they just have

Such hate they love England they love Britain but they hate everything else they go online and they say things like there’s too many genders there’s too many [ __ ] genders it’s like no one’s as shaef there’s too many [ __ ] genders it’s like wait till you find out

How many types of milk there are you’re going to [ __ ] yourself there’s loads there’s almond there’s others I don’t know what they are but there’s almond uh beef milk that’s the main one in it semi skin beef they think gay stuff shouldn’t be taught in schools and like I imagine that being

Taught when you were at primary school that gay was absolutely normal when I when I say taught in schools I don’t mean like practical lessons it’s not like right year two grab a partner um oh we’ve got a odd number I guess you’re coming with me right what

I what I mean is teaching like the theory of it I don’t even think theory is the right word it’s not like you get a little license and you’re like oh I can only be gay if my dad’s in the car these gammons they think gay stuff shouldn’t be taught in schools because

What’ll happen right is they’ll all choose to be gay and as we know sexuality is not a choice because why would any woman choose to [ __ ] a man we’re horrible if they all choose to be gay they’ll all start shagging and reproducing not how it works and if they’re reproducing everywhere there’ll

Be gays on every street corner absolutely going for it and do you know what I’d rather watch two Burly big gay men absolutely go for their lives than watch an old gamy man read a book you ever seen That that’s an Aros catalog that’s for everyone I’ve been bad for it I’ve been so bad for it only a couple of years ago I just thought there was men and I thought there was women and I thought that was it until I found these glorious

People I thought it was he’s and him and she’s and hers these brilliant people in between that went oh I don’t really identify with any of that if you can just call me like they or them say that to a gam and watch their red spin I’m

Not saying that I’m not saying they them right don’t I’m not saying they the people that don’t want to say they them have been saying they them before they them existed they have them lot coming over here they’re stealing our jobs you’re perfect at it it’s fine though is

It if you can change marathan to Snickers sift to GIF just get on board with it but I love winding gam up my favorite thing to do to wind a gam up mention a gender neutral toilet the Reds fall off they gender I’m not going in

There it’s like you’ve got one in your house Keith chill the [ __ ] out I’m an Al I’m such an ally and I I’ve I’ve been part of the problem there’s a big thing in comedy about straight white male comedians we get told off quite a lot I’ve been told

To shut up stop talking you’ve been speaking for the past several hundred years I’m like I’m 35 men need to shut up and listen unless you are a sad man and then you do need to talk about it I’m like I don’t know which to

Do so I’ve tried to be part of the solution where I I thought there was just like four letters do you know in like the sexy words the sexy letters the sexuality letters the LGBT the ler I thought there was four I thought it was like LGBT the John Paul George

Ringo of the sexuality world and then I found out about more letters and I thought well if I don’t know some of you might not know and I thought well I can tell you so grab a pen cuz I know some of you have a [ __ ] Nick one it’s so

Easy written it here so L ladies G is just like Goblin [ __ ] B is both that stands for both T is trans because as a straight white male comedian I am not getting involved in that you can [ __ ] up no way not a chance and you know what I do believe

It’s trans but the more I say I believe it’s trans it sounds like I don’t believe it’s trans and I do believe it’s trans I do believe it’s trans I do believe it’s trans I do believe it’s trans so it’s licking out guys bloody everything trans um Qi is whatever

Steven fry and Sandy tuxford get up to I don’t know I just think they yell facts into each other’s grinds they’re like did you know like oh in 1833 they love it a a stands for Android phone users very marginalized group and I think this year they’re planning their

First Pride match which is amazing if they can find the right charger to charge the phones up and organize it I’m being silly it’s so simple and I think if people could learn to change those things the world might be a little bit better so it’s just lesbian gay buy

Which I think is like paying for it trans queer indifferent Ali MCB fans and then there’s a plus at the end and the plus means so many different things and I thought I wanted to learn what it actually meant and the Plus at the end of lgbtq I A plus the plus

Stands for big fat [ __ ] so you’re not allowed to say big fat [ __ ] I found out I found it out a couple of weeks ago but I found it out tonight when you all stared at me and when you can’t say big fat [ __ ] big fat [ __ ] big fat

Bastards you can’t say any of it I know you’re not allowed to say big fat [ __ ] cuz this lady CES up to me right after after a gig and right she had like blue hair in a polka dot dress it’s like we get it you’ve got a Blog and she comes

She was annoyed she was annoyed right she comes over and she goes you’re not allowed to say fat and I said why and she went well you’re not fat and I said well I’m a little bit fat and she goes well you don’t look fat and I said well

I feel fat I identify as being fat she goes you’re not allowed to say fat because fat is our word and I got annoyed about it and then over the past few days I thought about it a little bit more and I thought like fair enough like cuz those people aren’t known for

Sharing so but I I’ve got fat I know I’ve got fat there’s little warning signs like when I was thin what I would do is I’d run to my mom for a little pep talk for a little pickme up when I was so thin

I’d run to my mom and I go mom I feel a bit fat today and she goes don’t worry you’re not fat you’ll never be fat you’ll never be fat in my eyes now what I do when I run to I don’t run I jog stop run

There get to me Mom and I say Mom I feel a bit fat today and she says nothing other warning signs the waistband of my boxer shorts quite often flips over sometimes when I’m driving around at night usually to a drive-thru I go over a speed bump and

Then I land and then more of me lands and I don’t like it have we got any other fatties in I mean there’s more I can see you there’s definitely more if you don’t know where they are they’re on your seat a little bit I don’t know if that’s a group of

People clapping or a couple of fatties leaving I don’t know what’s going on [Applause] there I I I I have got fat and it’s fine like some people love the word fat some people hate the word fat some people love being fat it makes me feel really self-conscious especially doing this job

That’s why I dress so ridiculous so people look at the clothes before they look at me in my 20s I was so thin and now I’m in my 30s these little bits of fat just keep popping up and I don’t know what to do about it I looked at all

Pit to myself for sort of like some motivation one thing I found out I’ve always had a fat head always there’s nothing you can do about fat head you can’t just go gym for fat head there’s leg day arm day chest day there’s no fat head day I’ve got no

Neck I can’t be shocked at anything I’m just oh really oh is it oh great no one in my family’s got a neck no one my mom’s got no neck my dad’s got no neck my sister’s definitely got no neck cuz she always moans about she’s

Always like I’ve got no neck you’re like why she’s like cuz I’m always on the phone you’re like why she’s like cuz I haven’t got a boyfriend you’re like why she’s like cuz I’ve got no neck and everyone has their little things that make them feel insecure question five if you could

Change something about yourself what would it be someone said stop getting older and I’m sure your patronizing tone will really make him feel better about it who said stop getting older nice to meet you’re not even that old nice to meet you what’s your name Jill nice to

Meet you Jill you sound old though and how old are you 58 50 you look great for 58 you look so what month were you born in August August or what [ __ ] off February the 12th And there we go question five if you could change something about yourself what would it be slightly more tucked in vagina just slightly though there’s two men that put three men that put their ants up there who is who is it she’s gone to the toilet she’s gone to the

Toilet right quick tell me some things about her that I can put into the show in a bit what’s her name Olivia Olivia right dogs called Hank dogs called Hank so handsome so handsome right I’m not going to [ __ ] a dog uh what do she do as a job uh who knows

She’s from down sou she from the Cs she’s from the CWS um have you got any like interesting facts about anything while wait as well she got Dody I imagine she just like do you know like when you’re trying to make your your bed like a hotel bed and you just [Applause] slightly

Okay remind me of a name one more time Olivia Olivia doank Olivia do Han that’s un [Laughter] funny and I know there’s more pressure for women to look a certain way because of all those magazines where it’s like don’t sweat don’t be fat don’t have eyelids sticking stuff to yourself lots of

Plastic now put in your face people go to Turkey they put loads of plastic in the bodies and you don’t have to do that right fake lips fake teeth fake tits so much plastic I think when you die what bin do we put you in I read this thing recently about

Women who put on fake eyelashes I found out why they were invented they were invented in the early 1900s by an adult sex worker who was sick to death of getting stuff in her eyes and do you know what she trademarked them as Umbrellas and being a bit sort of lumpy and feeling a little bit old I don’t know what to do about it cuz now like as I said like single now and being single in your 30s is very different to being single in your 20s in my 20s I used to

Love Tinder it was amazing my swiping technique was known as GB news I was just like right right right Far Right Far Right Far right right right right now what I do in my 30s is I look at the website right move like I used to look

At the website Tinder I just flick through just thinking [ __ ] hell the things I do to that house Oh I imagine it’s not very nice being like this having sex and all that like there’s just got a lot of like it feels horrible I’ll tell you this quick story right about a one night standard recently this woman she was great she was called Olivia she had this lovely

Dog called Hank and she had a fanny that was an ouy [Applause] so [Applause] so this was the moment right this was the moment I’d realized I got fat a couple of months ago I had a one night stand with a real life L right it

Was all going well it was very nice we were doing my favorite sexual position which is uh like landscape right just like it’s like no and and we’re doing it and then it gets to that bit do you know the end or for men do you know when it gets near the

End of of doing it and you sort of have to like say do you know when it gets to near the end of sex and you have to do like a public service announcement no one teach you what to say do they there’s not like a sexy

Thing to say you can’t just be like trade tables up armest down we’re coming into land the [ __ ] do you say you can’t just finish and Dismount and be like it’s so weird the one i’ love is a little black and white square in the corner of my

Vision tell me the adverts are about to start so it gets this bit it was all go it was all going well it it was all going well and then it gots that bit near the end and then I whisper to her I don’t know why I’m

Whispering cuz we’ve been making quite a lot of noise but I whisper and I just say I think I say I think I’m going to come I think we know we I’ve known for about 5 minutes we’ve only been shagging for three so I wasn’t giggling I’ll tell you that

I was trying to stay as still as po stop stop moving stop stop stop moving stop moving cuz there’s such a there’s such a like a um what’s the word now’s not a good time to forget words like there’s such a stigma around like premature ejaculation and like like it’s it’s just

Like we we try because if you come quick well done if we come quick that’s it so we try and find like ways to like prolong it without you knowing and maybe you do know but you’ll know now cuz what we do is when we really nearly get to the end

Right what we’ll do is we’ll we’ll we’ll just pop it all the way in and then we just move the top half of our body looks like we’re shagging you like that babe is that good for you and if you are ever in the throws of passion and then a man halfway through

Decides to go down on you it is not for you so I whisper I say I think I think I think I think I’m going to go and then she asked me to do a thing I’ve never been asked to do before in my life she

Said would you mind doing it upon my facial features and I said yeah cuz I’m a gent I should have seen the warning signs fake eyelashes and this was the moment I realized I’d got fat right because I am here sort of like playing the role of me

And then she’s there sort of like being her and like I’m just all naked and I not full naked I’ve got socks on but like but bed socks like with grip on the Bottom full nude I catch myself in a full length mirror and it doesn’t look nice it looks like someone’s filled a condom with ham it doesn’t look good I’m like is that me I’m like a human lava lamp what the [ __ ] going on can you get a

Hernia in your in your chest what’s going on here but I’m trying to keep it sex I’m trying to keep it sexy and nice it probably doesn’t look not it probably looks like a man giving a ball back like trying to trying to keep it I’m not even telling the truth I’m right-handed

So I’m just trying trying to keep it nice and sexy then she’s here sort of like waiting just like And she’s looking at me direct eye contact I feel insecure I’m not myself this is how insecure I felt right this is how self-conscious I felt about my whole body at one point I had to look away like a waiter doing a chip and pin machine I was like come on come

On has it gone through has it gone has it gone Through so there was nothing in my childhood that I could write about nothing in my adolescence there was nothing about the way that that I looked that I felt comfortable we talking about so I decided to do a thing that most comedians do it’s very popular at the

Minute where what we do is we mine our pain we get all the worst things that have happened to us we form it together like a lovely little Play-Doh thing we give it to you and you enjoy it and supposedly that makes everything better and I’ve not really got any secrets I’ve

Not had anything really really bad happen to me that’s why I asked this one question 88 what is a secret that you’ve never told anyone I killed a cat Open brackets by accident who killed a cat imagine it was him I’m here you killed the cat anytime recently yeah

Yeah is it actually you [Applause] yeah what a [ __ ] entrance have you been crouched by that door liter like pick the [ __ ] cat pick the cat nice to meet you um is that where you’ve just been she doing the Ring Road swerving into cats what’s your name Aon nice to

Meet you Aaron um and why why why you why you going around because I don’t like I don’t really like cat I’m more of a dog person but like why don’t you like cats just evil they’re evil so it was n by accident okay we’re getting to the

Bottom of this there’s another cat one on here tell me more so how old we are it was last year it was last year I bet you were [ __ ] ready for it after that lockdown and how did you kill it it was an accident you no no we we’ve read that bit

Yeah it was I didn’t know it wasn’t a cushion [Applause] someone said I’m actually a millionaire but I’ve never told my daughter that’s [ __ ] good that if you can buy him a cat that’d be that’d be great who’s the millionaire son oh God you need a [ __ ] bit of

Benlin nice to meet you what’s your name Natasha Natasha is that your daughter next to you yeah have you just found out now have you just found out right now what what how so if you don’t mind how did you like did you win on the lottery

Or did you like I’m not actually a millionaire I just wanted to see oh you [ __ ] [ __ ] go and sit on her now get a gun question 88 what is a secret that you’ve never told anyone I’m worried about my son and I think it might

Be and I get it if it is cuz I’m quite a lonely person I am I love doing this I love standing in front of people but over the past few years it has been hard to sort of get in touch with people stay connected to people as I said me and my

Ex-girlfriend we broke up and we just broke up because we did and I ran to my mom’s and like we tried to make it work and it just didn’t work right we tried to do all the things during lockdown that everyone did to make themselves happy do you know do you know what

Number one way is of like getting happy during a lockdown buy a dog or steal one if you were doing that over lockdown we bought a dog and it was dead fun for a couple of weeks until a dog stopped eating we didn’t know what to do we took

The dog the vet and the vet said the reason she’s not eating is because she’s depressed and I thought oh great all three of us I try and find cheat codes for life so it feels like I’m in a relationship or with friends I do loads of stuff like

Quite often I’ll sleep on the sofa so it feels like I’m being spooned sometimes when I’m walking around I go under the bridge I walk right under a bridge and I shout I love you just to hear someone say it back not an echo this homeless man very

Nice very nice guy I steal bath bombs from Lush so the security guard would grab my arm sometimes when I’m driving around I practice my emergency break so the seat belt will choke me a little bit and to be honest over the past few years

I have I have felt so detached from the world that I love and my mom’s definitely seen it right even when it was coming up to my birthday she was going like what do you want to do it’s coming up to your birthday what do you

Want to do do you want to go like chitos or go bowling I’m like I’m not nine so what she really brilliantly did is she organized a surprise party for me for me birthday it was great it was weird I didn’t really want it it wasn’t

A party it was just the family and what she tried to do to try and make me feel good about the world and forget about all the [ __ ] bits is just have like a nice simple board game night and if you want to sort of tell someone how the

World is all right don’t play board games with them just remind you of how [ __ ] the world is cludo Posh murder murder murder murder murder murder Jenga 911 like it’s a lot we played Monopoly if you want to cheer someone up don’t play Monopoly with a boomer just remind you you will

Never her own property and we did we just sat around played Monopoly and I was losing from the off I had an old Kemp Road and a Waterworks that was it my mom’s buying every property all the way around everything at one point I landed

On the Strand and I lost a red one you meant to lose on Park Lane or Mayfair I landed on a [ __ ] red one and I lost and I lost my [ __ ] with my family I call Mya couldn’t she’s seven I swallowed the top hat off the Monopoly

Board so no one else could play I look me mom dead in the eye my mom’s always been there for me and I said you always [ __ ] do this I said I didn’t want anything for my birthday I didn’t want anything doing and then you steamroll you try and save the day you

Try and scare me from the world and I don’t want anything to do with it so if you can all just leave I’d be happy I mean mom she calmed me down she went whoa what you doing couple of things first of all you’ve not really been

Yourself for a while I’d really like you to go and see someone secondly right I’ve not tried to ruin things for you not tried to scare you from the world I’ve tried to protect you from the world so you can live the best life you possibly can and thirdly there’s two hotels on

[Laughter] That and as everyone was leaving my mom hugged me like I grazed my knee as a kid and she said please go and see someone I don’t like seeing you so [Applause] sad So I did I went to go and see someone and I know there’s loads of brilliant NHS people in the room and I I think you’re amazing but we just couldn’t get in um couldn’t couldn’t get it like it’s sadder than getting glastenbury tickets a [ __ ] appointment you have to wait there at

7:59 you ring your mates you’re like right if you get an appointment can you get me and three of my mates an appointment as well so we had to go private and where I’m from people don’t go private it’s too expensive I mean mom she lent me

Some money and we we went and it was a nice place it was like an Apple shop thrill people he was lovely the doctor was so nice So Posh I knew he was Posh cuz he constantly spoke on a yawn he was like welcome oh how Posh can you be call wager M

Wager M he didn’t but he’s funny in it and then he asked me loads of questions about myself he goes why did you feel so sad and I said I don’t know he goes what do you do when you feel empty and I said sometimes what I’ll do

Right is I’ll crank music as loud as it’ll go I’ll sit in front of the mirror and I’ll just try and feel something and then he made me do this test a sad quiz depression test 96 questions they ask you all things about your life and then they T up a score

Really personal questions things like pivotal things that happened in your adolescence things you’re embarrassed about things you change about yourself Secrets you’ve never told anyone and then they put all those numbers into a computer and they give you a score of how sad you are between 0 and 21 18 to 21 is

Suicidal I got 17 so I couldn’t even do that right it goes you’re very close to that score do you ever get those feelings and I said no not really but if I did it wouldn’t be a problem cuz I’m a procrastinator and if I really wanted to

Do it I couldn’t hang myself cuz no neck and the doctor laughed and it felt like the first time I’d made anyone laugh in the past couple of years and he told me the different bits of depression he said there’s different types he said there’s clinical depression where your head is wired

Wrong and what we do is we give you tablets we give you like tablets like metazine you take two of them a day and after a week or so it’ll start to do its work or really hard of stuff is searly and you take three of them a day and it

Eases things down or if it’s really bad you can take windolene once clears it up he said you haven’t got that he said there’s situational depression where something really bad’s happened in your life and what we do is we give you therapy and it’s impossible to get therapy instantly on the

NHS and you can’t go private from where I’m from it’s like 50 Co a week and it’s expensive but he said what you’ve got you’ve got social depression you feel so detached from the world and what you need to do is you need to meet people go

Out into the world and meet people from different races religions Sexes genders and what you’ll do is you’ll find out about them and you’ll have a common Bond and you’ll realize that it’s actually all all right and that’s what this is I’ve done this show 30 40 times and every time it

Makes me feel better because I feel very safe so I’ve written one joke one joke in the past couple of years I’ll tell you the joke then we can all leave and maybe go to the Lowry designer Outlet how the [ __ ] is that place still open it’s like someone’s built a big

Midl of Aldi there’s [ __ ] all there knock knock me and you and this bunch of wrong guns makes it feel like everything’s okay we’ve got moms who wish they were millionaires we’ve got receptionists who we wish were [Laughter] dead and we’ve got a man who should never [ __ ] sit down ever again

We’ve got people with any fannies out of fannies ones who call it names after money boxes I love it the so many people in here that I love my mom my dad this family here I love him that sound this feeling it means the world thank you so much for coming SL BR

Springstein um before we go thank you um before we go I just want to say say thank you to get to do this two times in my hometown kind of um it really means the world and there’s people like Chris like people that have been there from the very beginning I’ve been gigging

About 10 years and this is it means the world so thank you so much for coming I hope you have a marvelous weekend I’ll be BR re cheers see you B