Holmes and Watford
For PC Sue Holmes policing is about keeping the peace, but PC Tina Watford yearns for excitement and she’ll stop at nothing to ensure some action.
A teenager runs out of a shop; surely he must have done something wrong? An old lady is reported missing, could David Attenborough be involved in her disappearance? A couple have a row outside a pub, but Tina has a vested interest in ensuring they don’t make up. A burglary has taken place and Tina has a lightbulb moment as to whom may have committed the crime. And a speeding driver brings back painful memories of her schooldays for Sue.
Jon Canter’s comedy drama about two policewomen crewing in a small village.
Sue Holmes …… Jessica Ransom
Tina Watford …… Susan Wokoma
Dwayne Campbell …… Joivan Wade
Sheila Campbell …… Ellie Darvill
Rosemary …… Rosie Cavaliero
Mother …… Julie Teal
Carl …… Samuel James
Shelley …… Abbie Andrews
Jessica Ransom won a Children’s BAFTA for her work on Horrible Histories and is best known for her role as Morwenna, the receptionist in Doc Martin.
Susan Wokoma is an award-winning actress best known for her work on Crazyhead and Chewing Gum.
Jon Canter is an award winning comedy writer. He won the Prix Europa for Boswell’s Lives and an Audio Comedy award for ‘Believe It’. He’s written for Lenny Henry and is the author of several comic novels.
Series directed by Sally Avens
First broadcast on BBC Radio 4 in December 2017
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Oh I miss London this place does my heading it’s like Midsummer murders without the murders let’s not get complacent now it’s tea time people are Milling around there could be incident great Midsummer incident I just want to arrest someone is that wrong you’re always looking for trouble aren’t you
I’m looking but I’m not finding see the kid in the hoodie 8:00 outside Gregs yes I want to look under his hoodie now see if he’s got a machete well that would be possessing an offensive weapon yes on the other hand there’s always another hand with you that’s why God gave us too
Don’t bring God in the lincolshire police don’t believe in God some of them do some of them don’t we don’t need God to tell us what’s right and wrong we’ve got di fford for that I’m just saying the crime Is possessing an offensive weapon in a public place he’s in a
Public place yes but I’m pointing out if he was in his own kitchen chopping vegetables that’s fine a kitchen machete is fine you have to think about context I’m so sick of thinking he’s going into Gregs that’s not an offense Tina you say that but we don’t know what he’s doing
In there nothing I expect he’s just wandering around around he’s probably unemployed like us we’ve been wandering around for ages we’re not unemployed Tina no so what exactly are we doing now at this moment this is a police uniform it’s not a chatting uniform we’re not chatting we’re being vigilant we’re
Chatting in a Vigilant manner we’re doing nothing Sue no we are not doing nothing we’re making the public feel safer by doing nothing no by being oh great I’m good good at being and being as we speak it’ll be a very sad day when there are no longer any Bobbies on the
Beat and we all know that day is coming but till it does I know I’m doing an important job it’s the same job I do in the playground with my Emily you got to be kidding me no I believe that policing is essentially mothering we mother the community regardless of race color or
Creed or species how do you mean species well that dog tied to the post outside the oxam shop if it’s attacked I’ll defend it I’m the mother of that dog 10:00 what the kid’s running out of Gregs that’s 2:00 that’s cuz he’s running you numpty he was 10:00 now he’s
At 2:00 it’s 3:00 let’s go what are we doing chasing him why that’s what we’re going to find out stop Yes you me yes you stop running what have I done just stop now right there what was I doing why were you running so fast what you heard why did
You run out of Gregs like that I was it to you what’s your name Dwayne I’m PC Holmes this is PC Watford just answer the question please Dwayne you stopped me cuz I’m black didn’t you that’s Prejudice how can you say that to me Dwayne I’ve got darker skin than you
Have that’s right and it’s not just black people Dwayne what is it the equality act protects everyone from discrimination on the grounds of race yes yes but also Age religion belief marriage civil partnership pregnancy Andor maternity sex sexual orientering what’s sexual orientering oh you’re right that’s Duke of edinburgh’s award
It’s orientation oh there’s another thing too yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah let’s get back to Greg’s did you steal something Dwayne no I know gender reassignment do you know what that is Dwayne no it means we won’t discriminate against you if you were born Diane
Diane I love it okay look guys it was nice to meet you you have a good day whoa whoa whoa whoa you’re going nowhere running fast is evidence Dwayne how do you mean it’s evidence of running away from something or running to something on the other hand so Dwayne why were you
Running out of that shop at such a speed tell the truth now Dwayne we’re waiting I think I left the gas on you’re running out of Gregs because you think you’ve left the gas on I think so yeah oh you think you were running out of Gregs
Because you think you left the gas on what what or you know you were running out of Gregs because you think you left the gas on I think I left the gas on so you were running home Dwayne yeah okay you weren’t running away from anything you were running to something home yeah
Yeah where’s Home 19 Carby walk oh on the Nightingale estate yeah just found the corner look I’ve done nothing wrong okay now Wayne I’m going to ask you a question and it is very important you give me a truthful answer all right yeah does 19 carbur walk have gases of it
That’s a great question thank you yes okay right then well I can go now yeah oh whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa where’s the evidence how do you mean we can’t just take your word for the gas we could we could but we can’t we’re all
About evidence we need gas evidence take us to your gas Dwayne I’m telling the truth then you’ve nothing to worry about lead the way fine that’s how you want it let’s walk is there anyone at home Dwayne no my mom’s at work the dog’s there do you
Think you’ve left the gas on with a flame or without I don’t know what’s the name of your dog Dwayne patch do you love patch Dwayne yeah so your dog who you say you love could be dying from gas poisoning as we speak I suppose so yeah
So why aren’t you running i w he was remember we told him to stop yeah you told me to stop well stop stopping let’s go U don’t get too far ahead of us now okay everyone’s looking at us good we’re chasing a black youth down the street
Tina okay listen it’s great you feel bad but there’s so little crime around here we can’t afford to be choosing yeah but there’s only about 10 black kids in Lincolnshire and we’re chasing one of them exactly we’re leaving the other nine alone oh that’s true so what if the
Gas is on then he’ll have been telling the truth what if it’s off though he could still have been telling the truth he could have honestly thought he left the gas on when he hadn’t we’ve all done that oh people are hating us Tina I can
See it in their eyes okay how about we run ahead of him then we won’t be chasing him then he’ll be chasing us that’s not right either people don’t want people chasing the police he looks like we’re trying to get away let just stop this walkway thanks D nice one
Everyone heard you thanking him Sue well so not Prejudice I want so what have you got to say for yourself I don’t know look at patch Dwayne dead dogs don’t drink water I didn’t leave the gas on I thought I did but I didn’t okay tell us the truth now
Dwayne I am honest to God I’ll turn my pockets out nothing from Gregs okay why is there nothing from Gregs Dwayne cuz I went in to buy a donut then I ran out why he thought he left the gas on I’m asking Dwayne yeah the donut went out of my
Mind cuz I thought I left the gas on but I didn’t but I thought I did why don’t you believe me why did you turn the gas on in the first place Dwayne it’s cuz I’m black isn’t it oh don’t keep saying that Dwayne white people turn the gas on
Too oh no she’s back from work what’s this good afternoon Madam I’m PC h h s this is PC Watford what’s your name please Sheila Campbell and are you this boy’s mother yes what have you done Colin nothing Colin I told you I’m D Wayne now what have you done Colin’s a
[Â __Â ] name don’t swear you’re in enough trouble already why are the police here we stopped your son in the High Street because he was running in a suspicious manner I was running like I always run they only stopped me cuz I’m black but you’re not black yes he is no your
Mother’s white isn’t she Dwayne Colin though I’m still black oh okay then well we’re not racist and we’re not mixed racist nice one what’s Colin actually done though Dwayne we’re not sure ourselves but we know it’s something he said he was running to get back here
Because he thought he left the gas on that was true but it turns out I turned it off when did you turn the gas on Colin Dwayne this is getting on my tits can we call him dwellin I came in my lunch hour
Why to make a cup of tea I see okay so you turned the gas on and boiled a pan of water did you yeah you sure yeah we can see you’ve got an electric kettled rolling the dog can see you’ve got an electric kettle yes though to be fair it
Doesn’t actually know what it is so what were you really doing with that gas flame were you cooking up some heroin you’re not doing drugs are you no not drugs not drugs drugs I turned on the gas to light a cigarette ah now we’re getting somewhere
Since when do you smoke it’s my mom how many times have I told you not to smoke how old are you dwellin be honest your mother’s here she’ll know I’m 15 well listen to me then it’s not illegal to smoke in private when you’re under 18
But I’d urge you to stop for the sake of your health and for the sake of your family and the community who breathe our air yeah yeah that’s right don’t buy any more cigarettes okay okay gotcha you just said you wouldn’t buy any more cigarettes that’s evidence you’ve bought
Cigarettes colleagues right it’s illegal to buy cigarettes if you’re under 18 I don’t buy cigarettes I don’t really just tell them the truth son well they’ll be here all day your mom’s right we’ve got plenty of time it’s an area of very low crime if you didn’t buy them did you
Steal them dwalin no I got them from my mom don’t lie I don’t smoke yes you do you wait until I go to bed and then you go out onto the balcony I can smell it from my room and you keep the cigarettes in the bottom drawer under the
Tablecloths I thought you didn’t know hey then you admit you stole cigarettes from your mother stealing is theft that’s what it is it’s a crime I don’t want to press charges yes you do no I don’t want my Colin to have a criminal record why not I’m his mother so what
Arsonists and rapists and murderers have mothers what would happen if all those mothers protected their sons he’s not a murderer or a rapist or an arsonist well he did set fire to a cigarette look at him he’s just a boy how can you tell me not to smoke when you smoke I’ll tell
Tell you later put the kettle on Mrs Campbell we need a cup of tea I told you I don’t want him charged I’ll put the kettle on then so dwelling what sometimes adults say one thing and do another part of growing up is coming to terms with the fact that your parents
Have fault what’s she on about she’s mothering you I’ve got a mother already you can never have too many mothers can you so Sheila it is Sheila isn’t it yes yes Sheila I think you need to acknowledge to your son that you have faults and that you sometimes try and
Conceal them with the best intentions of protecting him from are you mothering me now cuz I’ve actually got one too darling don’t call her darling so embarrassing some people join the police because they’re looking for trouble others are looking to keep the peace peace police say them over and over
Again and they turned into the same words no they don’t to try it ding peace police peace police F peace police peace police peace peace police police Poli they didn’t say it fast enough does anyone mind if I have a cigarette you don’t smoke Tina I do now well I don’t
Think you should smoke in front of dwalin you’re right I’ll go on the balcony the sigs are under the tablecloths aren’t they she’s nicking your [Â __Â ] mom she’s a criminal you’re saying that cuz I’m black dwelling can I have one of your [Â __Â ] Please Sheila oh help yourself
T what about cake you got any cake I’m famished we ran all the way here there’s ginger cake in the bread bitten okay then I’ll be mother for a change cuz I’m not a mother and I’m not sure I want to be I like excitement too
Much you know I’m more into action than caring piece of cake for everyone yeah t oh thank you that very community of you now what do I cut it with ding have you got a kitchen Machete And on Thursday it’s beans on toast how long have you been together we started going out when we were 15 so 16 years that’s more than half your life yes that’s how much my Steve and I love each other what more than half how do you keep sex exciting why should it be
Exciting Tina why can’t it just be normal and nice oh come on but do you ever like dress up as a woman I am a woman yeah yeah yeah but I mean have you seen the dead woman it’s a Scandinavian crime drama on ITV for extra or some
Such I can’t say I have the dead woman puts on a blonde wig and a silver dress and a thong when to put out the bins she does it for her mans Su oh no my Steve would run away you don’t surprise each other then he doesn’t like surprises of
Any kind how’s the Dead woman die she washes up on this river bank with like 29 stab wounds and then we cut to a man with 29 knives so he didn’t do it of course not nobody knows who did the detective will know that’s right she’s
In the dark for 12 episodes then Ting she has a light bulb moment and I don’t know I’m only on episode 10 but I reckon it was a suicide the dead woman stabbed herself I’m sure of it 20 n times that’s right surprising isn’t it we’re not like
Your Steve us viewers we like surprises we’re not going to capture this burglar are we nobody ever does they’re captured all the time on CCTV yeah they’re captured on CCTV just not in real life when’s the last time you arrested a fuzzy blob one in five burglaries gets solved Tina we don’t go
To the one in five though do we we go to the other four no light bulb moments for us it’s not about light bulbs we go to help victims with their traumas and advise them on preventing burglaries in future you are so monitored for training purposes haven’t we just passed it no I
Thought we were going to the pack andon State the hunting for the state it’s not Council it’s like you know sanding him wow oh the Corgi did it yeah she swallowed the crown Jews and she’s storing them in a poo oh I’m looking forward to it now oh you’re not meant to
Look forward to it Tina Mr beelman’s Been burgled and he is traumatized fine forget the Ting let’s not find the burglar Let’s help Mr bagelman with his trauma yeah he’ll love That okay I was right here picking figs from that tree and I looked towards the house and I saw this guy running past our pool and off down the side of the house describe him for us sir average height maybe 15 20 25 hoodie jeans what
Color blue I think no what color was he white I think he was a long way away well I still look black from a long way away sir I saw him for like 5 Seconds was he like I I don’t know was he like a
Fuzzy blob how did he get into the house back door I guess uh we have more than one so the doors were unlocked yes and the windows too yes the burger alarm was off of course I was home oh sir you were out here on your estate I was a
Two-minute walk from my house God damn it give me a break here we forgive your shouting sir you’re traumatized I’m not traumatized I’m burglarized in future you must lock all doors and windows every time you go outside seriously okay great that’s the future taken care of
Now can we catch the man who did this can you show us what’s missing then no cuz it’s missing sorry you’re very traumatized aren’t you stop saying that we’re here to help you sir breathe I don’t want to breathe let’s go inside shall we wow it’s like a ballroom that’s cuz
It was a ballroom was it owned by some kind of Juke sir if you don’t mind my asking yeah he was an Earl and he so told it to pay tax and death duties okay now you know everything oh I doubt that very much sir what was taken from this
Room then money and a passport from that desk that’s it that’s all he got were they loose no they were in um what’ you call it a jiffy bag we’ll send a crime scene investigator to take fingerprints and look for Footprints detective work at last was it your passport that was
Taken sir no it was Michael’s he was due to fight in New York to night they took his passport and maybe $2,000 in cash oh is Michael your butler sir what is this D Abby Michael’s my husband is he here sir no why did he see this man no he
Heard him that was it we’ll need to speak to him don’t bother I can tell you all you need he came home from the gym called my name and then he heard the burglar running out of here through the drawing room and out the back door and
What did he do now next I told you he ran past the swimming pool no what did Michael do next oh he went to waitrose because he was traumatized okay bottom line you’re not going to solve my burglary are you you sure nothing else was taken yes you don’t want us to go
Around the house with you to double check you want a tour of the house is that what you’re saying no sir unless you’re offering it I mean we don’t want to be rude I don’t like your attitude we’re doing our level best to find out who did this sir but you’ll fail right
What do you do for a living sir and I’m not making conversation I’m pursuing a lead you have a lead now can I see your lead no sir we don’t show our leads sir not till they lead to light bulbs I deal in medieval art and what does Michael do
Sir he deals in impressionist and modern art oh so you both have enemies Mr bagelman well I’m not that Keen on you sir my colleague’s just trying to help there must be dealers who are jealous you got the rembrand they didn’t is rembrand Medieval I know he’s art the
Burglar was not a dealer okay how do you know because I’ve been around art dealers for 30 years they don’t wear hoodies and jeans they might when they’re burgling it’s a perfect disguise this is garbage no wonder five out of six burglar get away don’t believe the
Internet sir it’s only four out of five look you’re American you’re gay and you’re an art dealer someone has to hate you sir who for God’s sake this is some local kid he doesn’t hate me he doesn’t even know me so stop grilling me will you have you got anything to hide sir
Seriously you want to know if I’ve got something to hide okay you’re the police you tell me oh we will won’t we well we might yes if there is anything but not if there isn’t hello I’m H in here hey oh good afternoon noon everyone Michael Brock afternoon Mr Brock I’m PC
Holmes and this is PC Watford right you’re gorgeous why is it black girls always have such beautiful skin calm down Michael you still upset yes don’t be have you caught him yet girls we’re working on it sir oh s d don’t worry about it we’re insured it was hideous
Wasn’t it Michael we felt violated violate me violate me I was saying to Mr bagelman even when you’re outside just picking figs you must make sure all doors and windows are locked to deter future burglars oh that’s so sweet of you we’re not going to do it of course
But that’s so caring and community policing I hear you were going to New York sir till your passport was taken I was it was a last minute thing a Francis Bacon suddenly came on sale Le Russ and I will be together on Valentine’s Day we’re always together on Valentine
Aren’t we darling that’s right that’s the one good thing about the burglary ting oh what’s that mean did you hear about the woman with 29 stab wounds no is she a burglar turns out it was a suicide maybe you did this to yourself Mr Boman did what you burgled yourself
That’s insane it’s not insane sir it’s just unlikely well this is exciting it is isn’t it that’s why you’ve been so hostile from the beginning ding ding ding you took Michael’s passport and money from the drawer so he couldn’t be in New York on Valentine’s then you
Cooked up this whole burglary story oh please you called it my burglary remember that that’s a strange thing to say when it wasn’t your money or your passport I I didn’t mean mine like that why would a burglar want a pass bort anyway if it’s just some local kid that
Is true sir was the man you saw carrying a jiffy bag yes you didn’t make mention it when you described him sir no I didn’t but I only saw him for a few seconds as you said was it one of those Jiffy bags it takes a long time to see
There’s no Jiffy bags it takes a long time to see yeah I know I know that’s that’s why I said it sorry did you see a jiffy bag or not I’m almost sure I saw one yes so you’re not sure no they’re very good aren’t they Michael please
This is serious they’re accusing me of lying what did you say to them your husband said he saw a 15-year-old white boy in black jeans running past your pool carrying the jippy bag with a passport and money or he saw a 25-year-old black woman in blue jeans
Not carrying a jiffy bag which is it I feel traumatized at last everyone feels traumatized after a burglary sir especially if they’ve done it defrauding and insurance companies a crime sir so’s wasting police time help me Michael I’ll do my best honestly girls I loved what you
Just did but frankly it’s so not Russ Russ would never fake a burglary to keep me at home that would be so surprising and he hates surprises oh does he oh yes he’s just a big bad-tempered bear always what you see is what you get my
Husband’s the same sir really yes I mean he’s not a bear but he’d never do anything exciting he likes what he knows so you believe me right she doesn’t does she I’ve got a light bulb Mr bagelman I stuck it in the socket and I’m still seeing the light what she talking about
Hold on a second I’ve just spotted something what is it oh a jiffy bag I thought I saw it peeping out from behind the radiator it’s empty right uh no there’s no money but the passports there oh that’s great thank God Ting you didn’t do it Mr bagelman oh you worked
That out did you soon as you saw the passport you knew I hadn’t stolen the passport genius oh don’t be mean Russ she was just having lovely police type fun it wasn’t fun sir well you did quite enjoy it you’re going to apologize to me it was detective work sir nothing
Personal my colleague was eliminating you from our inquiries sir great fantastic so who stole the money got a theory about that have we officers yes we have we think it was the burglar brilliant we’ll take the Jiffy bag for fingerprinting and see if the prince match any burglars in our database
Should we apprehend the burglar and prosecute him you will both be at Liberty to make a personal statement saying how the crime has affected you physically or emotionally which can be read out in court lovely out loud it’s like Broadway okay how about this I was
Burgled and I was upset but nothing like us upset as when the police came around and traumatized me oh come on Grizzly chillax we’ll claim the money on the insurance I don’t think you should go to New York sir even though we found your passport you should be with your husband
On Valentine’s Day I’m going to be with mine she’s an absolute puppet isn’t she Russ no don’t listen to him your PC puppet and of course I won’t go so I miss out on a painting so what painters paint the all the time thank you Michael say it what say thank you policewoman
Puppet so thank you policewoman puppet oh thank you you see sir we create the trauma then we help you get over it it’s a complete service right then well uh we’ll be off we’ll see if we can find the missing money you don’t have a photo
Of it do you go just go oh you’re still traumatized I understand bye-bye I think we did a good job really all in all we put a lot into it yeah I think they will lock their doors and windows from now on I believe that no they won’t yeah you’re probably Right she’s 84 she lives with her daughter and she hasn’t been seen for 7 hours poor woman which one well I was thinking of the daughter I can’t imagine what it’s like if one of your parents goes missing I can really yeah my dad went missing when I was a kid that’s
Terrible how long was he gone well 26 now so 20 years seriously your dad’s been missing for 20 years why did he disappear do you think too much wife too much kids too much routine so you don’t even know if he’s alive oh he’s alive
All right I mean I don’t know that but I know it if you know what I mean he’s not the sort of person that dies not if there’s a woman left to live off you think he left your mom for another woman oh yeah you don’t leave without someone
To go to my Steve would never have another woman you don’t know that Sue everyone’s got a secret he gets tired in the evenings so what I mean he’s far too tired to have an affair he wouldn’t sleep with another woman not my Steve Well he’d sleep but that would be
It we got a description of this old woman beige coat the daughter will tell us more well that could be her uh in the wheelchair I don’t think so Tina there’s a man pushing it so he could be a stranger oh what you mean he’s kidnapped
Her and forced her to live in a wheelchair so he can pass himself off as her carer oh that’s brilliant police work Sue no it’s not you got to have a theory you’ve got to have evidence you can’t just make it up Tina yes you can
That’s what you got to do if you want to do total police work what is total police work you know it when you do it you feel the vibe how tall is your mother then Rosemary uh 5′ 5 I think she shrunk a bit in the last couple of years we’ll
Say between 55 and 52 and what was she wearing apart from the beige coat um beige cardigan beige blouse and a brown skirt and is that like a beige brown down yes I keep expecting the phone to ring someone’s found her body I’m sure she’s
Just lost do you have a recent photo yes she doesn’t like albums she keeps all her photos in this box here we are this was taken 3 weeks ago thank you at her granddaughter’s wedding oh right your daughter got married did she how nice no my sister’s
Right oh that’s your mommy in the pink yes yes makes a nice change from beige and that’s your sister is it oh I love a dress I could never get away with orange no that’s that’s the woman my father left my mother for oh oh I’m so sorry
Everyone makes that mistake she’s only 12 years younger than him but she makes bloody sure she looks like his daughter mother and I call her the cream puff because she’s all fluffy and gooey and she makes you feel sick sorry I don’t know why I said any of that oh no no no
No that was excellent why well the more we know about your mom the better do you think she’s alive I do you don’t know that I don’t know it but I know it this area’s got the lowest murder rate in the British Isles I’ve been on the force 10
Years and I’ve not dealt with a single murder really oh that is so disappointing how do you mean no no I’m saying it’s good disappointing when did you last see her then uh about halfast 9 she went off to buy her Telegraph normally I’d go with her but she said
She wanted to go on her own for a change are you sure she went to the news agent in yes they told me she’d been in did they notice anything strange about her no she didn’t suddenly buy the guardian or no my mother always buys the telegraph she’s bought it for 60 years
There’s no always Rosemary your mom’s gone missing she may have secrets she doesn’t have any secrets that I know of that’s what I’m saying she has secret Secrets where else might she have gone Rosemary well she likes a cup of tea in the Lion Hotel so I asked him there no
Luck then I tried the florist and the chemist mother always buys her own toothpaste she likes it with fennel bless is your mom a churchgoer she is every Sunday does she get confused she does sometimes yes so maybe she thinks it’s Sunday and she’s sat in church waiting for the service to start
What for8 hours she has Faith Rosemary we’ll search the church does she have friends from church I can’t think of one does she have enemies in church apart from you know Satan mother has no enemies of course not Rosemary we have to ask these things we’re just looking
For Clues can you think of a friend she might be with yes Peggy she lives in a flat on the High Street but I rang her and she wasn’t there who wasn’t there Peggy did Peggy say she wasn’t there she didn’t say anything she didn’t answer the phone and you assumed because she
Didn’t answer the phone she wasn’t there of course she’s not de she could be lying in the toilet dead that’s why she didn’t answer we don’t talk about death Tina I’m not talking about the mom’s death we’ll call around at Peggy’s flat did you ask in the betting shop
Absolutely not she’s never been in a betting shop in her life she worked for the Civil Service she went to Oxford she read geography so she’d know where to find it oh you’re making me think I don’t know my own mother oh maybe I don’t I mean she’s never disappeared
Before Move the Box nearer you Rosemary huh okay now think outside it do you see what I’m saying no tell us about her routine then she buys the telegraph she has a cup of tea in the lion then what she comes home listens to the radio
Plays patience has lunch and a nap sits in the garden if it’s warm watches television till supper what does she watch documentaries I buy her box sets she loves David atra I do too we all do don’t we well love him from afar actually mom’s friend Peggy’s daughter
Lives opposite to him in Richmond oh that’s interesting very interesting well it’s not that interesting go on then what does she do after supper she reads and then goes to bed okay that’s what we know about your mom now let’s focus on what we don’t know what don’t you know about your mother
Rosemary she doesn’t know what she doesn’t know oh did she get any post today maybe that will tell us something I didn’t think to look she normally puts it on the sideboard oh yes usual advertisements for stairlifts oh my goodness what is it a signed photo of David atra you see
You didn’t know your mom had sent off for that I told you she has Secrets I suppose so oh he’s so lovely oh where is she you’ve got to find her she has to see this may I ask you something Rosemary have you ever been married what’s that got to do with
Anything maybe everything or maybe nothing true or maybe something my husband and I divorced 5 years ago mother’s been living with me ever since men they’re going missing don’t they it’s my mother who’s missing can we get back to her does your mom love David atra more than any man alive what an
Absurd question absurd cuz the answer’s so obvious yeah all women do isn’t that right right Su don’t ask me I’m married what’s that got to do with it you can be married divorced old young you can be a gorilla everybody L sir David okay I have a theory Rosemary tell
Me bear in mind it’s only a theory Rosemary I said that tell me everyday’s routine for your mom Telegraph radio lunch nap TV cards Garden supper book bed it’s a nice routine you look after a rosemary but it’s all a bit beige that’s not fair I always try to
Vary it last week we went to see L miserabl her second time there it is again repetition this morning she wanted to break from repetition you said so yourself she went out on her own for a change so she goes into the news agent she comes out she thinks the post would
Have come by now I’ll go home and look at the photo right right but then she thinks about that other photo the Custar at the W wedding in her orange dress cream puff beg your pardon she thinks of that woman with her older man her ex
Your dad you with me so far yes and she goes to herself I’m 84 where can I find an older man well I’m asking a question I thought you were just pausing David atra thank you people don’t leave without someone to go to she gets a bus to the station
Trained to London trained to Richmond goes to S David’s house we know for a fact oh the facts are piling up now we know for a big fat fact with chips that she knows where he lives opposite Peggy’s daughter that’s right so what’s your theory I I just
Told you Rosemary’s mom has gone to Richmond to tell aten BR she loves him she’s been gone eight hours journey to Richmond takes five maybe six so she’s there now let’s contact the Richmond police oh that’s her I know it is it’s not going to be her could be nah my
Theory is much better oh where were you I was wearing SI it is no no no no no I got lost I’m so sorry the police are here and everything she’s here oh hello Mrs Hill I’m PC Holmes this is PC Watford hi are you all right yes I’m
Most awfully sorry to have caused all this fast sit down mother what do you want tea are you hungry what just a glass of water thank you dear are you sure you don’t need medical attention Mrs Hill no I just need to rest we’re so delighted you’ve been found aren’t way
Yeah I just have to spend a penny excuse me oh this is so depressing what you know what I had a theory and it was Bloody good she ruined it by turning up I’m a total police I know I am where’s she gone oh she hasn’t disappeared again
Has she she went to the lou you must be so delighted yes thank you so much for all your help not that you gave me any I don’t mean it like that your being here was a comfort I’m so glad you have a very nice face oh thank you don’t worry
About me well I expect you want to know what happened oh very much so Mrs Hill I came out of the news agent and I noticed Button had come off my cardigan I think it must have fallen off in the street so I thought I’ll just pop into the
Habitatery shop and buy one but I couldn’t find the shop it closed years ago mother nobody told me so I thought well I must be looking in the wrong place and I kept on walking and then I’m afraid I got rather lost rather [Laughter] lost yes I ended up on the golf course
At terribly embarrassing I completely lost all sense of direction the golf course at maral sham Heath I’m afraid so oh that’s miles away you must be exhausted yes I did have a nap on a bench anyway a nice chap who was playing there he took me into the clubhouse and
He ordered a taxi to bring me home he gave the driver the money because I’d only taken enough for my telegraph well I must send it to him his name is Mr Barnard why didn’t you get him to call me mother I’m afraid I couldn’t remember
Our number I think it would be wise to get a mobile Mrs Hill then Rosemary can contact you you hear that mother that’s very good advice yes though I’ve never liked those phoneless phones well this is all very beige let’s go a bit more orange shall we do you expect us to
Believe that Mrs Hill are you saying my mother is lying I’m confused missing button Mr barard can’t remember your number I don’t think so there’s a button missing on her cardigan Tina you went to the station to go to London to see him didn’t you who you know where he
Lives opposite Peggy’s daughter is she talking about David Aton yes she is we found the photo we know what you were thinking being my older man do for me what my ex did for the jam donut custard puff what happened Mrs Hill did he turn you away oh
Dear that photo was a present for Rosemary for her birthday happy now she’s exhausted and upset and you’ve ruined my birthday present mother I’m sorry you had to hear that ridiculous nonsense no no I was thinking as I walked for all those hours my life is now terribly routine so I must say
Dropping in on David aten is rather an exciting idea that’s good then what is next time Mrs Hill goes missing we’ll know where she is we didn’t find her today no you didn’t but we found her in the future that’s total police Work how long are we going to sit here there’s more rabbits and cars they’ll come I promise this Lane’s a well-known shortcut to where mendum nobody wants a shortcut to mendum you want to put off get into mendum 90% of police work is waiting okay so how come with us it’s like
110% you hear that ah [Â __Â ] It’s a tractor tractors can speed Tina 25 mph limit you should know that oh this is torture the driver’s laughing at us oh that’s Darren Conway I went to school with him you know everyone don’t you well go on say hello why not you can
Walk alongside him he was in the ear above me I could tell you a story about Darren Conway and me oh go on then no we’re working I can’t chat we’re not working yes we are all right but why do people go to work to chat come
On Darren was fat so he asked me out cuz I was fat too I’m sure you weren’t fat Su it’s all in your mind no no my mind wasn’t fat that was the one thing that wasn’t and there was this girl in our year Amanda Cole she was absolutely
Beautiful she had lovely hair and eyes like Princess D oh man this is going to end badly I didn’t know if I should go out with him so I asked Amanda Cole and she said well I wouldn’t go out with Darren Conway but you should you’d look
Great together what a [Â __Â ] she was stick thin right yes so Darren and I went to the pub in mendum and we sat there not saying a word and then we heard a knock at the window and Amanda Cole not just Amanda a whole gang Susie Smith Millie Bloomfield Emily Taylor
Okay I don’t need the names what happened they giggled at us then Amanda did a moo say again she mooed at me through the window she went no why cuz you were a fat cow oh unbelievable then two days later she asked me to help her with a geography I
Was very good at geography got an A star you helped her after that well she said she was sorry she told me I was looking at being pretty cuz boys only cared about her looks and looks didn’t last yet like she believed that then she smiled at me I’d have done anything for
Amanda Cole now she’s a rich woman living in a big house yeah how did you know yes ni Kel sale she married a man who works in the city of course she did she’s a rich skinny entitled manipulative liyon [Â __Â ] who thinks she can have anything she wants I don’t
Think you should go around slacking off someone you you don’t even know right so you’re defending her now are you after she treated you like whoa look in your wing mirror that’s a car I swear to God it’s a BMW oh come on they can do 140
Driver put your foot down don’t say that we don’t want people to speed so 36 let’s go Blu and twos oh there’s no need for that let’s do it look at those rabbits Run she’s got nice hair oh she has yes I’m so sorry may we see your license please Madam yeah it’s somewhere in here wait for a moment my back’s such a mess I’m hopeless there you are officer thank you we recorded you driving at 30 6 M an
Hour Madam I didn’t know I was doing that thank you so much for telling me we shouldn’t need to tell you should we Madam no could you step out of the car please of course absolutely you know this is a 30 mph Zone don’t you I do I wasn’t looking how
Fast I was going I was rushing home cuz some friends are coming for lunch well that’s no excuse I know it’s a charity lunch actually a hunger lunch we raise money for third world Charities and we have a speaker sorry I’m rambling I was over the speed limit and I apologize
Apologizing isn’t good enough no but it is good some drivers are just abusive I can’t believe that why would anyone be abusive you’re just doing your job and it’s a very important job we like to think so Mrs Mason oh you know each other my colleague grew up around here
She knows everyone the name’s on the driving license oh right what are your names that’s irrelevant I see you liveing at Crow Hall Mrs Mason yeah do you know it I used to cycle past it every day on my way to school amazing where were you at school Saxton
Brilliant I’m PC Holmes Mrs Holmes Sue Holmes Sue Hazelwood that was my school name Hazelwood that’s a beautiful name so rustic will you excuse us please madam what you know what she’s being polite so I’m being polite you’re staring at her hair and you’re sucking
Up to her and she thinks she’s going to get away with it she could have killed someone sue who there’s no one to kill there’s only rabbits how can you say that what if you were the mother of one of those rabbits oh you’re right I’m being unprofessional you are okay
Then Mrs Mason you were driving at 36 in a 30 m Zone that’s 10% plus three over the speed limit so we’re looking at a fixed penalty notice with a fine of 00 and a minimum of three points on your license or a speedware course I understand I’m not finished sorry or we
Can give you a caution yes or we can let you go thank you but that’s unlikely extremely unlikely did you see our car up ahead when you were driving at 36 no I didn’t oh you were off to the side weren’t you and you were hidden by the
Bushes you’re being very clever so if you’d have seen us would you have slowed down of course no question I see so it’s all right to drive too fast if you think the police aren’t watching well no that’s not what I meant that is what you meant all right what other crimes would
You commit if you thought the police weren’t watching would you murder someone absolutely not I’d never hurt anyone do you have children Mrs Mason yes what if your children had run out from behind that bush that’s terrible you’re right I can’t believe I did that I could have run over my lovely
Little girls oh you have girls do you what’s the matter if they’re Girls two oh so it’s all right to run over boys do you want to hang k no thank you that’s so sweet of you Kate in India a lovely names how old are Kate in India 16 and
14 do you think there are kids in India called England no no right will you excuse us again please Madam of course is it all right if I answer that my pleasure that’s so kind hi yeah no but if I delay you’re doing so well what happened she feels bad she called them
Her little girls Sue so they’re 16 and 14 they’re teenagers I don’t know what you’re on about she said little girls to make us all go oh bless she’s manipulative you’re wrong I’ve got a little girl myself yeah she’s four that is little you haven’t had kids once
You’ve held your baby daughter in your arms she’s always your little girl Sue look at me I was a baby daughter now I’m big I’m bigger than a baby check it out she knows she’s done wrong she’s a poli oliz so let’s Let Her Go no she knows
She’s done wrong she’s apologized and she’s a manipulative [Â __Â ] let’s find her I’m taking over now Tina no no I’m taking over now Sue Mrs Mason we don’t wish to detain you any longer than is necessary no that’s right we’re letting you go Mrs Mason or are we yes yes yes
We’re letting you go Mrs Mason but not before we’ve given you a fine of 00 yes no we’re letting you go before we give you a fine do you understand something wonderful just happened what actually I’m talking to your colleague that was Mandy Norman Sue don’t call her that she’s waiting
Outside my house for me to get back who’s Mandy Norman Mandy Cole as well wow you know Mandy Cole here we go I told her I was talking to a lovely officer who went to Saxton school cuz I know she went there too and she asked
Your name so I told her and she remembered you and she sends you her love she said that she said you once helped her with her geography homework she remember members that and you think that’s going to get you off do you I’m just passing on the message oh oh thank
You it’s a lovely message did she mention Darren Conway who’s that did she say my colleague was fat absolutely not no no way will you excuse us for a moment this is the last time Mrs Mason I promise I’m so sorry Felicity please oh this is the last time
Felicity go ahead hope my lunch isn’t burning but if it is it’s my fault s of course Amanda Cole said you were fat she’s lying about that like she’s lying about everything I bet there’s no Kate and India you’re wrong okay but they’re not little girls they’re they’re
Labradors really you think so oh maybe you’re right thank you maybe Amanda Cole did say I was fat you know she did but I saw the looking felicity’s eyes she was lying to save my feelings she was being kind wake up Sue she doesn’t give a damn
About you the woman is playing you her charity lunch is burning do you want that on your conscience yeah I really do cuz those Rich [Â __Â ] don’t eat anything anyway their salads are burning so what excuse me I’m so sorry I know you’re deliberating but the cater is
Asking how long I’m going to be oh got a caterer have we not cooking it ourselves no I I’m employing a local person I think that’s important don’t you Karen James maybe you were at school with her to sue the CER is in your kitchen now
Yes yes so why are you worried the lunch might be burning well it’s just she might get distracted because I’m not there and why is aanda Cole waiting outside can’t the caterer open the door she’s busy with the food right she does catering not opening oh this is great
Work Sue nail the lies okay you’re going to find me now I’m disappointed in you Felicity Mason let’s just do it you haven’t been truthful with us have you just find me okay and I’ll be on my way did Amanda Cole say I was fat I’m waiting no she said ly ly eh
Well ly ly I will now go to the car and get a fixed penalty notice please wait here with my colleague you do have really nice hair thanks so do you what no I don’t why’d you say that I’m passing the time right this is a fixed penalty notice
Under Section no wait oh for God’s sake what now how much does your husband earn has that got to do with anything I’m telling you that okay how much do you pay for your hair then cuz your highlights are fabulous what color do you call that Brazil nut caramel to me
That looks like all £300 worth actually it cost me200 what do you think sue you could have hair like that if you spent £200 no I couldn’t I’ve got a fat neck what I’m saying is Mrs Mason spends 200 quid on a haircut so what’s £1 fine it’s
Nothing good point just give me the thing and I’ll be on my way see she wants us to find her so she can go and suck letters with her rich friends for your information it’s Moroccan lamb T of course it is you’ve got a son called Morocco in it my colleague’s right we’re
Not here to give you what you want speeding’s a serious offense let me go then that doesn’t seem right either does it no like you say it’s a serious offense I can tell you now there is no way I’m ever going to speed again I
Would rather drive at 20 for the rest of my life than run into you two again you’re infuriating both of you thank you you’ve made our day our job is to deter crime so if it means being infuriating so be it bring it on so you’re going
Toine me or not which is it or are you going to keep me here for the next hour so I miss the whole lunch which is raising money for people who are far far poorer than you well we’re not that busy so keeping you here for an hour I could live with
That Mandy hi you’re not going to believe it but I’m still here yeah because they don’t know what to do with me no I know it’s ridiculous there’s probably a murder going on up the road I wish honestly seriously I mean start without me really may I speak with her
Please I’d like to explain your old school CH wants to speak to you thank you is that Amanda Cole this is PC Holmes Sue Holmes Sue Hazelwood as was go on Sue say it say it Okay Mrs Mason you may go now our work here is Done they said it was a town at the interview it is a town 3,000 people you don’t have next in a village do you or an Oxfam shop it’s not a town Sue stuff happens in a town in a town you can get a crime wave we’re lucky if we get a
Crime we are here to keep the peace Tina so I think we should be grateful that there’s peace already it’s easier to keep the peace when it’s already peaceful you know everyone thinks it’s hilarious they put us together why homes and Watford I don’t get it come on like
Holes and Watson ha haa who says that then di fford he’s like which one of you is Cumberbatch he reckons it’s me he said he’d love to see me on telly cuz I’m nice to look at well he would say that wouldn’t he why you’re a woman if you’re a woman di fulford’s
Inappropriate is he inappropriate with you then no I’m sorry why don’t be I don’t want theel for drooling over me I love my Steve yeah but if di fford isn’t draing over you you’re not a woman you just said so I don’t think of us as
Homes and Watford anyway I think of us as Watford and homes I put you first oh that is so weird not at all my job is to put you first and your job’s to put me first that’s what teamwork is that is so confusing you’re first I’m first who’s
Second oh no man what there’s the oxam shop again we’ve done a lap where are these 3,000 people Sue I grew up in Hackney there were 3,000 people in Tesco whoa check him black suit blue shirt 2:00 suspect identified what was he doing was he fighting dealing what no
I just fancy him oh please don’t do that to me Tina that’s unprofessional oh I’m on heat I can’t help it got an appetite like you would not believe don’t tell me tell Tommy who’s Tommy oh I’m so sorry sorry is Tommy no more Tommy is so no
More I’ve had no sex for like 3 weeks and it’s killing me do you know what I mean hello are you saying that’s okay this is not about me what happened he said he can’t be with me cuz I’ve got too many opinions of course I had to
Listen to his opinions all the time I promise you Tina you will meet the one how do you know how old are you now 26 but there you are then I was 15 when I met my Steve and it was obvious to me after a couple of days that he was the
One I’m 26 I know so what are you talking about 15 for you’re talking garbage please don’t be aggressive all right I’m I’m sorry that was tactless I can’t work with you if you’re going to say stuff like that I said I’m sorry don’t put me first okay
Put yourself first and I’ll do the same I can’t work with you if you’re going to be on heat and I will put you first if you don’t mind because that’s what 10:00 young white female average height blonde hair blue dress proceeding from the Rosen Crown to the bench in the square
Body is sitting on the bench body is lighting a cigarette first match has gone out body is striking a second match now cigarette is lit wow that was some incident Sue I was gripped that’s a sitting incident right that’s a a sitting on a bench incident look at her body language that girl’s
Upset someone’s upsetter that’s a potential incident potential incident that is so us there’s crimes there’s incidents and then there’s us we should do a fly on thewall documentary about us Su some old bidy in the village town calls up to complain about the noise we drive around her house there’s a fly on
Her wall that’s what’s making the noise I want to kill it you want to talk it down cuz you put the fly first hold on hold on you could be on to something white Mel proceeding from the Rosen Crown towards the girl on the bench with cocktails he’s wearing a green shirt no
Blue what is that color turquise isn’t it turquise whatever it must be freezing without a jacket and she should have tights you are so nice Su really you’re more like a mom than a policeman I am a mom true got a red bruise on his neck
That’s a tattoo is it what’s it off could be a heart could be a fist hard to tell from here I hate you don’t touch me what did I do you’ve G mad we’re in luck it’s a serious shouting incident let’s proceed this is how knifing start you think
She’s got a knife in her handbag I don’t know it’s a big bag could be a big knife in there or two mediumsized ones you know one for each hand what’ you do that for excuse me what’s what’s going on here she broke my face I didn’t break your face let’s calm
Down now okay are you hurt sir of course I’m hurt she hit me why’d you hit me you know why do you need medical attention sir she needs medical attention she’s a nut job I will kill you I swear to God you hear that that’s murder that’s not
Murder that’s just talk what’s your name car and you are Shelly I will stab him in his stupid tap do you have a weapon in your bag shell no thought not typical shell look at me I said Look At Me Nobody wants anyone to get hurt do they
She wants me to die she just said we will come to you in a minute why don’t we want people to get hurt Shelly cuz it hurts yes and it’s against the law now listen very carefully both of you it’s Friday night and you’ve both had a drink and there’s been an
Altercation here which could lead to an arrest but we don’t want that do we we don’t and we do you’ve got every right to arrest her in my opinion I don’t believe we asked for your opinion sorry thank you I like the way you said that Shelly I suggest you
Apologize to Carl for hitting him he should apologize to me we’ll come to that you didn’t mean what you said did you about killing him you couldn’t keep your ANS off her I never touched her how could I there was a bar in the way I was
Talking to her while she made our [Â __Â ] yeah that took 10 minutes did it I had to tell her how to make them oh you’re such a liar she didn’t know what went into a tequila sunrise I mean call yourself a barid it’s the great cocktail and she didn’t know orange juice and
Grenadine yeah that’s right whose side are you on I’m on the side of great cocktails shell we need them in this village town the Grenadine must sink to the bottom of the glass so pour it down the side yeah wow you really know your stuffff let’s focus now shell I asked
You to apologize I’m sorry not to me you didn’t threaten to kill me do you want to threaten to kill her shell no no okay just asking you know that using threatening words is an offense don’t you if Carl believed immediate unlawful violence would be used against him she
Threatened to stick a knife in my tattoo what is your tattoo as a matter of interest it’s an apple thought so stupid isn’t it I think it’s unusual listen to me Carl you didn’t think shell was going to stick a knife in you did you we were
Standing right here when she said she’d kill you you’re not telling me you thought she’d kill you right in front of us I suppose not no Shelly what have you got to say I apologize I apologize Carl I apologize Carl thank you now Carl you apologize to Shelly and we can all go
Back to having a nice evening I apologize excuse me I apologize talk normally please I apologize say it like you mean it I apologize is just shouting I’ve got nothing to apologize for you see that’s what he’s like this happens every time we go out does it yeah I talk
To other women and she threats to kill me but but you never do do you I’m not going to do it right in front of them she’s right your own mouth now listen to me both of you my colleague and I are not going anywhere till you behave in a
Civilized manner I suggest you make those cocktails your last drinks of the evening that’s a very good thought every couple has rows that’s natural but when you drink it makes it worse and Shelly I suggest you wear tights when you go out on a night like this what are you my mom
Now my colleagues very caring you’re lucky to have her so you two going to kiss and makeup I suppose so Carl well I like talk talking to women good for you is that wrong I’m interested in what they said yes Carl it is wrong when you go
Out with Shelly you go out with shell isn’t that right Shelly yeah understood Carl yeah is it safe for us to leave you two together yeah yeah thank you for saving my life we didn’t Carl we’ve just been through this Shelly had no intention of stabbing you in the neck I
Know okay then my colleague and I are leaving now you coming how old are you Shell 24 what’s that got to do with it oh you haven’t got long to find the one and Carl’s not the one are you Carl do you love shell what’s this are you asking me
As a policeman no as a police woman we’ll leave you two to sort it out answer answer the question Carl do you love me I’m not talking in front of them you see he doesn’t or he’d have said no she’s right I’m off that’s it it’s over
Finished what were you just going to leave like that hey I bought you a cocktail keep away from me I don’t want to see you ever right well we’ll be off then oh why you looking at me like that Carl I’ve done you a favor and you know it I can’t
Believe that why’ you do that what are you the boyfriend please our job is to keep the peace Carl isn’t that right Sue yes we better go off and do that okay yeah we’re going we’re going so why an apple then Carl seriously you want to
Know no she doesn’t yes I do I’m marketing director for air company that makes Apple smoothies using only organic apples Sauced from local Orchards that’s exciting no it’s not I like apples you like them you’re not excited about we’re called call C exclamation mark what like apple core that’s really clever thanks
It’s quite clever so you’re marketing director then you don’t actually make the smoothies no but I am totally committed to the brand you are I’m a member of the force but I don’t have a tattoo of handcuffs you’re really smart thank you right should we go now there’s
A uh Tequila Sunrise going spare I know how much you like them no thank you I’m on duty well as I say you won’t always be on duty though yes I will I’m always working so am I that’s a shame then maybe they’ll come a day when you’re not
Working what’s your number 999 I tell you what I’ll give you my card Breakin 294 the High Street let’s go go go come on keep up what’s happening HW F shops been burgled wow we do anything thing like that mean what are they after jigsaw puzzles how they getting they
Didn’t right so it’s an inside job yes must be one of the old bides who work works there but what are you doing stopping why there’s a crime we’ve waited hours for one of them I made it up why I’m putting you first what does that mean I don’t trust
Him you made that up to get me away from Carl Don’t Call Him Carl you don’t even know him you’ve had a breakup and You’re vulnerable and he is literally a smoothie and you think I don’t know that I think you were flirting with him and
He was flirting with you and it was my duty as your fellow officer to save you from yourself oh so kind of you to save me from a man who was taking an interest in me I am here to protect you and I will that’s what putting you first means
You told me you couldn’t work with me if I was on heat remember yes so if me and Carl do the business you will benefit I will will I how’s that cuz I’ll be fulfilled and satisfied and a pleasure to work with so don’t tell me you were
Putting me first I was putting you first I don’t believe you I don’t believe you oh is the Tequila Sunrise still on the bench yes we can’t have that that’s litter oh you’re right let’s take it back to the pub I’ll text Carl and tell
Him to do it don’t do that I’ll get your number really is that how phones work you’re a genius Sue you’re the cumber batch don’t put three kisses that’s terrible you’re right I’ll put two
1 Comment
Awesome! Thank you.