This week, Michael Marshall joins us for a review of the notorious Michael Flatley vanity project Blackbird. It’s the story of a bunch of spy movie cliches getting tosses in a hat.
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He says but if you alter one ingredient it’ll kill you that’s true of Bolognese if you like switch the ground beef for Uranium for iron shavings yeah no that’ll do it every time I’ll do it every time do you think cuz they make it seem like it gives you AIDS and I bet
There are cut lines from the script where Michael Flatley was like oh it’s like the AIDS is it and they were like you can’t have say that on Michael flatl please stop saying A God awful movies movies movies Movies welcome back to the camcast where each week we sample another selection from Christian Cinema unless something comes along that is so bad it redefines the very nature of awful in which case we watch that instead I’m your host no Illusions Heath is going to be unable to
Join us tonight he’s in Portugal but sitting 900 miles to my North East is my bad friend Eli bosnik Eli how are you this fine afternoon sir well I’ll be telling you no Illusions it’s a fine day all it is a fine day I thought I would
Just let everyone know the level of cultural sensitivity I’m going to have Irish Brethren right here at the that’s why we couldn’t have Heath on the show to be perfectly honest with you he would he would have come to the defense of his people side tackled me into four
Recordings and we just eventually decided to do while was on vacation and of course also joining us tonight is the host of be reasonable the co-host of Skeptics with a K and the editor of skeptic magazine Michael Marshall Marsh Welcome Back Sir uh you guys can’t hear
It but I’m very slowly raising my head and peeping at you from beneath the brim of my hat that’s how excited I am at this film was a very slow hat revealer what angle is that hat at Marsh oh it’s exactly 50% of the way between JY and
Raish it’s Hit The Sweet Spot between the two 90° to his head somehow it’s balanced on the brim obvious all right so tell us msh what will we be breaking down today oh so we watched Michael flatley’s film Blackbird and it is the story of an aging Irishman
Who used to be the best at what he does who then moved to the Caribbean and surrounded himself with flunkies and yes men but then he gets called out of his comfortable retirement to make a movie about a spy or something I think yep it is
That it’s the story of him going like you know my life is actually quite a bit like kasablanca if you think about it and Eli how bad was this movie well if you loved the climactic dance fight that closed out River dance but you missed your local senior citizen production of
It you will love this movie and oh my god do I love this movie look I used to be able to watch these movies like two times sometimes even three times I would pre-at and then I get to watch twice on the week I haven’t watched a movie twice in months
Maybe even years I watched this movie twice in a row like I watched it took my notes and then just who whoa whoa whoa watched it again well and and we should point out here that we’ve been listening to Marsh talk this movie up since like 2019 it’s been a long [Â __Â ] time
Coming this movie is Legend So Marsh Marsh gave us so much more heads up about this movie than he did his marriage right like we were aware that Marsh had been married with no way was like oh yeah no I had a wedding there was a wedding in my life Michael we’ve
Gotten the play byplay of this production yeah absolutely so so tell us Marsh how did how did did this movie happen so the thing we have to kind of understand to begin with is that Michael Flatley is like a weapons grade egotist like one of the most narcissistic men
Who’s ever lived and like he’s he’s not a good dude but a lot of people know him from just the dancing oh he can move his feet fast and not move his arms that much and that’s kind of about the much that they know about Michael flatly but like he performed at Trump’s
Inauguration and described it as one of the greatest honors in his life he’s he’s cozied up to farri like fascists on uh on Irish Twitter like gemo doy talking about when she was saying we need to stop the Muslims coming here cuz a Mak an island a third world country he
Responded to said keep up the fight Gema so like this is the kind of person he is right and in March 2018 he announced his directorial debut the film Blackbird and ever since that point for like years it was shrouded in mystery there were like film critics in in Ireland going on
Investigative deep Dives that have taken them six months to try to understand what the hell is happening with this film is it made if it’s if it’s not made it was apparently finished in 2018 there was a screening for just the Caston crew in 2018 but then there was silence for 4
Years and it never came out there was speculation at one point that I think is probably pretty accurate that what they showed at that point was just a handful of scenes that they’d actually filmed and they’ filmed those scenes as like a sort of spec script type thing to then
Ship around production companies to film out to like to bulk out the rest of the film with like money and and shots and stuff like that but nobody wanted it so Michael flatly had to finance it himself and So eventually nobody ever thought this was came out eventually we got wind
There was a trailer and it came out it was in the cinemas in select Cinemas in the UK it made 50,000 in its opening weekend cinema tickets in the UK are about a ten yeah yeah that’s like know the names of everyone who saw your movie level of
Profitable yeah absolutely in total it made £120,000 it means fewer than 150,000 people saw this film in the cinema I and four of my friends were were five of those 150,000 people when we saw it an otherwise empty screening in Liverpool we talked to the cinema
Staff at the time we were the only ones who’d sat through the entire film and not walked out of the otherwise largely empty run it is a legend of a film and I’m so so excited to be able to share it with you it’s like Jerry Lewis had
Released the day the clown cried right it’s there’s nothing it’s beautiful and it’s on Prime if you’re in the UK or Europe it’s just on Prime for free they taken it away now CU clearly was attracting enough people in you can still find it if you look hard enough
Yeah we bow it so there there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best and being the worst at absolutely got to go straight in with best worst vanity project SL best best tax write off really right because this film was written by Michael Flatley
Directed by Michael Flatley financed by Michael Flatley executive produced by Michael Flatley starred Michael Flatley and the film was shot in several of his properties okay so this is a huge vanity project but the thing you got to bear in mind is the Irish tax credit scheme for
Films pays 32% of all of the costs on your cast crew Goods services and locations and you know there’s a similar scheme in Barbados so the Irish government picked up onethird of the cost of what Michael Flatley the financier thought Michael flattley the writer director producer and starer
Should be paid for this just R check and had the Irish government sign it essentially that’s [Â __Â ] incredible yeah I’m not smart enough to do the math of 32 times 100 but it was that whatever that is is what the percentage was so I I was going to go with best worst
Wardrobing okay nobody in this movie at any point will wear so much as a single clothes but that it is ridiculous we talked about his hats you got his hats you’ve got his suits you’ve got got Eric Robert suits you’ve got this every woman in the movie is costumed by like some
[Â __Â ] horny 12-year-old boy Adam and eve.com yeah and I of course am going to go with best worst action packed conclusion we’ll talk about it when it comes there’s no words there’s was in the cinema watching that conclusion having spent the entire time watching the film I’ve got to when we get there
You’ve got to pitch your five us and I’ll say it right now dressed as characters from the film because we were so excited by this that we did go dress in costume for the film watching that denu Mo it’s amazing I don’t believe you’re physically capable of putting a
Hat at that angle Marsh I’ll say it right now and I I I also I want to throw in another sort of a bonus best worst because I want to go with best worst award as well right because for his performance in this film Michael Flatley
Won the best actor award at the monore film festival no and I I know what you’re thinking that’s a really prestigious Film Festival isn’t it and no you’re thinking of the can film festival just down the road from Monaco nobody has heard of the monoco
Film festiv he he won the award in its inaugural year in July 2021 a year before this film was released and shown to anyone on the strength of a screening that was that only included the cast and crew by invitation so only the people involved in the making got to see it um
Is amazing and all that seems really weird except the Monaco Film Festival is set up and run by a company that is registered in Cork in irand half an hour’s drive from Michael flatley’s H and when Michael flatley’s not at his residence in in Cork half an hour away
From the headquarters of this Film Festival he lives in Monaco for tax purposes where his Film Festival face so I think I know why he won this award [Â __Â ] all right well we’ve waited half a damn decade to see this thing so I feel like you guys can wait a few minutes
More to hear about it so we’re going to take a quick break but we’ll be back in a minute with all the legendary terity sorry I can’t use existing words we do not have words for stuff this bad yet that is Blackbird this show is sponsored by betterhelp so from the bottom of the tube doesn’t matter I mean I guess it might be more convenient this is mindblowing to me hey you guys ready to record more show sure all right here you go and one for you
What are these these are the things I would be saying and doing without therapy I think it’s important to remind everyone sometimes like just how far I’ve come you know okay mine just says crying yeah and mine says showing up 45 minutes late treating everyone like
Garbage and then trying to start a big dramatic fight with someone about not liking you yeah yeah guess I was going to have a better day that day so but you’re saying you don’t do these things thanks to therapy I sure don’t and if you’re thinking of starting therapy give
Better help a try it’s entirely online designed to be convenient flexible and suited to your schedule just fill out a brief questionnaire get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge so if I need a therapist who’s secular queer affirming or will help me stop let’s see
Loudly announcing which video game characters I find attractive um better help can help me do that they sure can celebrate the progress you’ve already made visit better help.com awful today to get 10% off your first month that’s betterhelp hp.com awul okay but you still do that last thing with the video game character
I said progress Noah progress all right Lads hi Michael flatly have gathered you all here because I’ve got it in mind to make myself a spy movie a spy movie Michael what’s about well I’m glad you’ve asked Sheamus I’m thinking a classic story of intrigue it’s Espionage and betrayal
From the world’s greatest action hero well now and who would that be Michel wow really Marsh dude what it’s I’m I’m doing the sketch not with that accent you’re not so insensitive what you guys were way worse than I was we are Americans Marsh our Gaelic Brethren expect us to sound like
The Lucky Charms mascot when we do accents but you’re English okay not cool yeah dude that that would be like a German guy doing a Jewish voice Jewish voice EX L thank you Noah I am so sorry Irish listeners we were just trying to have fun with some Michael Flatley and
This colonialist bigot came at you from nowhere from nowhere you wrote in the script in an Irish accent it’s right there in the script I don’t remember that now if you’ll excuse me I have an iPhone note apology to write and tweet before this gets out of hand yeah me too
Why do I keep agreeing to come on this show and we’re back for the breakdown and we’re going to start off with a few drone shots of Michael flatley’s lovely three-story mansion in Ireland it’s quite nice okay look here’s the thing we’ve dealt with a lot of bad people and
I know that Michael flowy is a bad person now as Michael Marshall introduced at the intro but like he got that money from from the tippity Taps this is tipps insan he is incredibly wealthy like Lord of the Dance makes so much money this is C Mansion like I guess I
Thought they did fine but I feel all the reasons you should have learned a tap dance I was going to say I really would have taken tap dancing a lot more seriously if I had gotten a shot of this Mansion early in life how much money
Michael Flatley has at any given time is kind of a a shifting Target it’s a bit of an nor because at the time or round about the time this film was being filmed he was actually trying to sell that mansion and all of the possessions
In it and I know that because my friend who’s obsessed with Michael Flatley cuz he hates him so much has alerts set up for Anytime Michael Flatley appears in the press and when Flatley was oring off the content of his house he contemplated bidding on Michael flatley’s suitcases
And to be clear these aren’t like special monogram suitcases these are just regular suitcases that he was selling to make a bit of money he was also selling the TV from his spare bedroom which is like not even a flat screen it was like an old school like
Big [Â __Â ] oh I could use that for for my video games that’s old Nintendo yeah his partner almost B him the bust of Napoleon that Michael Flatley was selling but in the end he couldn’t part with the Mansion because it it just meant too much for him and also it
Didn’t meet the reserve price that he was set yeah right right nobody wanted it for the price of yeah okay that well that makes sense as to why it is that when we go inside this Mansion for like the reception after the funeral everybody’s barkers Beauty being their way through showing the lovely
Dishwasher and [Â __Â ] like that yeah so but they’re having they’re having this funeral out in his front [Â __Â ] yard just in the middle of the [Â __Â ] yard it’s so weird there’s just a tree in the middle of his garden and they’re burying like three people there in in the middle
Of a very very large lawn it’s like do you really want to put the heads onon like right there right in the middle right in the very center of your beautiful lawn yeah so [Â __Â ] weird and and of course it’s rainy but it’s rainy bad it’s bad rain I can’t promise you
Much in this life we live in an uncertain universe but there was a we can just use my sprinkle conversation and that is how the rain for these scenes was generated oh 100% the rain comes at him from different directions at the same time which rain can’t do and
All I can assume is they just thought well it’s Island if we film for long enough it’s going to rain this is Island it is definitely going to get wet at some point and they just must have had a bad spell because yeah this this rain
Comes at him from all sides and it’s sunny it’s so Sunny like I know it can sometimes rain a bit when it’s sunny but it can’t rain that [Â __Â ] much but so but he’s at this rainy funeral his hat is at a jaunty angle it is impossible to
Describe that hat without using the word JY right no no no no okay wait we’re not just going to blow by the first angle Noah okay here’s what I need our listeners who are young to understand who missed River Dance first of all if you grew up in shitsville America which
Is where I grew up and Heath grew up and Noah grew up once a year River Dance would come to your town and everyone in your town went the town was empty because you all went to go see River Dance and on stage at River Dance I guess [Â __Â ] Michael Flatley or a
Michael Flatley impersonator would do the tippity tap tap tap taps with his hat at a rakish angle but but that would be like if the guy who played Peter Pan in your local company’s production of Peter Pan was always wearing a wire harness while he was doing his grocery
Shopping like it’s not a signature bit it’s your costume from your show so yeah so he stands there in his jauntily angled hat in the rain everybody leaves but he’s got to be the last person standing at the grave because this is his his wife or we’re
Going to find out later it was his fiance we’re getting flashes of him watching her die and screaming in Rage and [Â __Â ] like that right and they keep us the same the only time Michael Flatley manages to look his age in the movie is in this flashback cuz he’s
Supposed to be quaking with rage but his entire [Â __Â ] jowl face is shaking along with him it’s like watching an Aftershock in one of those like earthquake proof windmills right and she [Laughter] like so yeah we cut inside so that everybody can see the lovely interior of
The home that could be yours for the low low price of and to bear in mind the decor in here is Trump levels of tacky which just undermines the fact that this is Michael flatley’s actual house and his actual possessions it is Trump level of tacky I I wrote in my note somewhere
That this was the tackiest room I’ve ever seen without Donald Trump in it yeah yeah it’s like someone went through like a museum and was like I want to live here yeah but yeah so and and then of course we we cut to all of like I guess he was
Supposed to be the leader of this iable team of spies so we cut to all the other spies standing inside talking about what a great badass spy he was hey uh no sorry just real quick what was the name of that team of super the chieftain the chieftain [Â __Â ]
Yeah which I believe is a folk band that like Michael flatly tried to join but wasn’t allowed to or some crazy [Â __Â ] uh and I love they’re just talking about like all the people there are talking about how great he is at what he
Does a they don’t tell us what he does B we won’t really find out what he does we will never [Â __Â ] know what it is that he’s so good at but this is Michael flatt’s idea of how you set a character up like oh yeah if you want to
Demonstrate that a character is like really good at something you have every other person in the film just have an open conversation about how good he is and then the barman chimes in with like yeah but like what is he going to do like just cuts through it all like
Literally though let’s just talk literally fact step by step what is he about to do I left so hard when the bartender was like sorry you guys have just been speaking in vagor what is he going to do sorry don’t participates Bartender Bartender by the way will be the bartender later in
Barbados when this movie goes to Barbados so apparently this this team takes their assassins Butlers spies and their bartender with them wherever they and their bartender yes yeah it’s like a video game where you’ve hired the staff for one building but when you go to another building the staff are there as
Well yeah exactly yeah so and and the and what the bartender might as well be saying is so what do you think the next scene is huh and we cut outside and and Michael Flatley his character’s name is Victor he’s walking away from the mansion in the again just soaking soaking sprinkler
Rain there is no way that suit isn’t going to shrink and all I can assume is he did this so he can show that in future scenes when his suit looks like it fits a bit tight he’s like yeah no that was shrinkage because of the rain it’s not of
Let myself go since the old tippity tap stuff no no no it’s not that all of the outfits here okay the only thing I can say about the shirt and coat and jacket sizes Michael flatly chooses to wear is like someone played a prank on him and
They were like oh Michael we’re going to actually sponsor all the outfits for this movie and he was like oh that’s kind generous of you and he was like yeah but you can only use clothes from the Gap Kids and Michael was like jokes on you I will wear this toddler leather
Jacket for the flashback from my fiance dies oh do you think do you think the costume Department uh ESS or trotted him like in the r doll story where they just slowly replace his cloth with like a size smaller until was like hang on a second but he didn’t notice he never
Right he never picked up on it yeah so then so he walks up we get our title card Blackbird oh God I was so excited when when the title card came up in the cinema after five years of like why the [Â __Â ] is this film oh God best moment of
The of the pandemic and even after just that little tiny funeral scene you knew how bad it was going to be so you knew exactly what was coming yeah so we cut to 10 years later in London and there’s this like I I have no idea what’s even
Happening in this scene right like there’s a couple of bad guys you can tell because of their race in a car talking about bad gu stuff and then we cut to a guy shredding documents one at a time yes yes yeah and he’s he’s only shreding these documents
For Intrigue and this genuinely feels like the some tension going on and I wrote in the notes all I say here is don’t get too attached to this level of tension yeah right yeah don’t get too comfy here right and also never wonder what he’s shredding or what the [Â __Â ] any
Of this is a guy comes up to the door and you can see him through the window through the like the translucent window or whatever he hides he grabs a letter opener and he steps off to the side you know he steps to the wrong side he does
He does I wanted so badly for the guy to open the door and be like were you were you hoping to hide behind the door you know you have to be behind the door for a hide behind the door right you’re just very clearly in my sight
Hi so but the dude throws up puts a letter through the mail slot it is terrifying mail the guy is terrified of the mail when it land yeah oh it’s it’s just a letter it’s oh okay all right well it’s not a problem I hope he’s like that whenever the porman
Comes but he has to go to the St James church so we cut to a gam justifying church and by the way on the way over here I noticed that like I feel like the cinematographer for this movie was actually pretty talented and generally like found great shots and I felt so
[Â __Â ] bad for this person that their talent was being wasted on this dumbass movie I just wanted to point that out the one person doing their job well was the cinematographer you did a great job man and that cinematographer Michael Flatley he did it all he did it
All how late into cuz here’s the thing right and we’ve all been a part of this in some capacity or another how late into the process do you think the cinematographer realized oh there’s no movie why did I wake up at 4 a.m. for the last three months yeah poor guy so
Okay so so this character he goes into the church he’s carrying something he hands it off to this hot nun and then he kisses her right because he thought he was going to die and he just wanted to take get off with a nun off his bucket List’s
Run to run to the church kiss a nun TI but yeah but he hands something the other nurse the other nuns rather look on disapprovingly we see that there are three bad guys following close behind him right in perfect Unison they’re walking in perfect Unison he’s been
Chased by a boy band watch with Nicola and Nicola said oh yeah Michael FL the choreography skills never leave you that’s the last thing to never leave you y like riding a bike I wanted them they pass by the nun when they’re chasing him and I wanted them to kiss her too right
She’s like iess this is what we have to okay could you see you does he does he pass something in the kiss is that what that is I think it’s meant to be like he kisses her but it’s quite a big thing cuz this is like going to be like the
Secret formula blah blah blah on a on like a mini disc or something did he smuggle that across in his mouth I don’t and why because he could have just walked up and handed to her there was no one around I like slip it in a pocket or
Something yeah I think he did just hand it to her but then he also kissed her cuz he wanted to knock that off his bucket list which is good cuz he’s going to be dead by the end of this scene right like so he runs off through the
Alley and he runs himself into one of the many dead ends that you find on London streets that’s the one thing I hated about visiting London was all the dead ends but y they say he gets to a dead end the bad guys catch up and they’re like we want the hollow coin
What does that mean never like we just you you know as much as you will ever know makes no sense and later we will see a mini disc and I’m like I think Michael flatly saw one of those and was like oh it’s one of those Holo coins the SP
And they like oh no it’s just a mini you know what yeah it’s a h coin y so but they but they shoot that guy and then we cut over to hot nun she she’s walking out of the church she she ditches the habit she wasn’t really a nun and then
She hands something off to a car that’s passing by yeah and it it feels like the handoff could have been just straight to the car right cuz like they don’t they don’t chase the car down there’s no one following the car so the guy could have
Just like walked past the car and given it to the car and and not had the whole Hot N scene and not getting killed in the Alley scene would have worked out much better for him yeah I probably still would have got killed in the alley
But the guys were the following were on foot they weren’t going to keep up with a car yeah yeah wanted the guy to roll down the window of the car wait wait wait did you french kiss the guy who gave this oh you did okay good all then
I’ll take the hollow coin c Ram with 100 hours of AOL on it yes I wanted her to have to kiss him as well and like that’s that’s like instead of having like a secret cord that spies used like what’s the weather like well it’s raining in
Japan right now nothing like that it’s just like yeah full on kiss yeah oh you know what he did counterclockwise with his tongue he’s not the real deal oh no I’d watch that in this Impossible movie so then then we got to Barbados because when you’re self financing a
Movie why the [Â __Â ] not right and also when coincidentally Michael Flatley also lives in Barbados and the Barbados government have a 25% tax credit scheme if you filmed there yeah right so but we’re but we’re going to he owns this bar he owns this fancy bar which I
Suppose is it’s supposed supposed to be the bar from [Â __Â ] Casablanca right it’s like where all of the criminals come to meet or whatever yes yeah it’s called the Blue Moon and Nicola when she was watching it was livid that the logo was a cross and not a moon it’s like why
Would it be across she was she would not let this go this came up several times no I’m with Nicol I have that several times in my notes as well so yeah so so we get Michael Flatley walking through the bar everybody’s gathered around him telling him all this important stuff
He’s sipping coffee from a tiny ridiculously tiny little small why would you give him such tiny I they just kep giving him smaller and smaller Ms never he just never noticed it’s like if Robert Deniro’s character at the end of Raging Bull got to direct Raging Bull
Was like and then I walk around my restaurant and everybody loves me that’s what happens I know that though oh and there’s a jazz there well there’s a woman lip syncing poorly to jazz songs she looks up Michael flatly and wants to [Â __Â ] him all the women in
This movie will look at Michael Flatley and want to [Â __Â ] him yeah and every single woman in this film is 20 years younger than any man in this film and yeah they all want Michael flat 20 is so generous Mar if you added the ages of
All the women in this movie together I don’t think you would reach Michael FL age it is [Â __Â ] banana like it’s like is this your grandpa levels of age different you can see women being gentle in their grasp of him much older than them he is oh and there there’s a great
Acting moment as well because they’re trying to make out that this is the place where everybody gathers they’re expecting the prince of Albania to come and at one point his staff says oh and there’s the uh mafiosa on table 12 and like one I think you should be a bit
More discreet than just like saying that loudly across a crowded bar we get to the top of the stairs and Michael flat tries to act but it looks like he’s counting the tables individually to get to the MAF one 2 3 4 okay there’s the mafia over there there they are I found
Him found him hey I found the mafiosa everybody in you want so then we also we cut over to two of his assistants this is matiti and I I I never caught the female characters the concierge character’s name but it’s matiti and the coner okay I didn’t realize this towards
The end of the movie because I thought matiti was just like the guy that works for him in Barbados but later in the movie it will be revealed that mutiti was a spy as well right so yeah absolutely it’s incredible to me because Michael Flatley was in that spy group
And then retires to own a [Â __Â ] hotel and Bar in Barbados and matiti was in the same group and retires to be his manservant yes he was like fellas I think I’ve got to take a step back from this spy life I’m going to relax and own
A you know Casablanca bar and matiti was like do do you need a butler yes I was thinking of butling right after this right I’m the only African American character who’s not a villain in the movie yes yep and his friend Nick who is also one of the spies his he also moved
To Barbados with him but doesn’t have to do any work it’s so [Â __Â ] up so we’re dig into that relationship a little bit more but we get matiti and the and the female coners they get a phone call and it’s just it’s just somebody saying hey
Can we come stay at your hotel and they’re like yeah man sure can right but it’s an evil bad guy we’re we have to introduce that the notorious Blake malanu is coming to stay at this hotel right and so matiti comes out to tell Michael flatly about this and he’s like
Hey man I think this guy might be mixed up with Libyan terrorism you sure you want him at the hotel and Michael flaty is like yeah no that’s good that’s fine I don’t care yeah he’s got like his response is basically well that’s none of my business like like Michael Flat’s
Character has a Live and Let Live approach to death formula that will kill everybody on the planet yeah exactly so so yeah so The Jazz Singer comes to flirt with him a little bit The 22-year-old Jazz Singer character comes to flirt with him it was just comfortable she literally says y well
Nicol was saying oh Michael fluty here really wants us to think he’s handsome and as she says that the sexy Jazz lady comes over and says you’re looking very handsome Michael a reminder that is a line that Michael flatly wrote for a girl in his
20s to say about him he’s yeah that’s a reasonable thing she would say yeah yep and I think the dance fight at the end of every river dance show is riveting and whoever said it was silly is wrong I’m a young person YOLO no I don’t think
There’s any hypocrisy in living in a tax Haven then making all your uh public statements being about how much charity you’re raising and how great you are as a philanthropist I see nothing wrong with that Michael flly wrot this line for me yeah right right so yes but he
Closes out the bar all the be beautiful women gather around desperately hoping to [Â __Â ] him that night he actually he walks up to his buddy Nick the white guy and he goes Nick you are my very good friend and then he walks over to matiti
The black guy and he goes matiti you are my employee and matiti just to be clear I really don’t like to mix business and friendship so I do need you to clock out if you’re going to come whisper secrets into my ear and by the way we’re like 17 18 minutes
Into this movie nothing has happened right this movie is so fun to watch that I kept being ridiculously far into the movie being like they still haven’t done anything nothing happens yes they’ve got 14 seconds left in the movie I’m loving it especially of all the things that don’t happen Michael
Flat’s character is the least involved in anything that does happen he’s the only one other stuff is happening vaguely around him but he does nothing the entire [Â __Â ] film and he’s meant to be the star so okay so now we’ve got to introduce our bad guy so we cut to
This overgrown jungle orphanage or something like that that the bad guys are torturing a dude in this scene is remarkable for how little it will matter to the remainder of the film it’s Michael Flatley was like we need a really really noisy torture scene right because this actor look no small parts
He’s really going for it right he’s decided his post torture scream is like um like someone doing a mean impersonation of the Joker at the Joker is so like all the action movie beats that are playing out like I’m a bad guy and you’ve disappointed me which is all
This scene is for establishing are kind of overshadowed by the fact that he’s like I will tell [Laughter] you oh and it’s just the most laurum ipsum of villain monologues it really is I think he’s enjoying himself enjoying himself so much as he tortures this Ambassador and you know it’s like they
Say if you enjoy what you do you’ll never work a day in your life and then he’s just really embodying that yeah true they do say that this is Farooq by the way he will appear in one scene later in the movie and not do anything in that scene we’ve seen Christian movie
Actors just very clearly contribute cameos to movies and Farooq appears less than some of those cameos we’ve seen so okay so we get it’s the next day flatly is starting another day of work at the bar he’s wearing a different hat cuz he’s got a cycle through him literally
At this point in the movie at one point he’s wearing a hat and as he’s doing a walkand talk an unnamed extra comes and presents him with a different hat yes she swaps out hats for him it’s so [Â __Â ] weird he’s got a hat guy like
Her job is just to be the Hat exchanger she’s in in the middle of talking to someone oh [Â __Â ] 155 sorry he’s doe another hat yes world famous spy Blackbird is Du another hat yeah right so okay so but Mr now it’s time for Mr Blake malanu the bad guy to show
Up and check into the hotel and damn it if it is not Eric the [Â __Â ] Roberts hell absolutely now here’s a fun game cuz I know a lot of people will like watch along and then pause and listen to us talk about it so fun game to play if
You’re watching along or if you haven’t watched this movie yet and you’re deciding to this movie is called watch Eric Roberts get blackout drunk in the course of the fil oh it is yeah abut this first scene is the soberest he will be and he’s already the ready [Â __Â ]
Dr yes it’s like they don’t normally shoot movies in chronological order with Eric Roberts you have to and you have to write the script that by the end he’s drunk cuz it’s just not going to happen any other way so he’s checking in also with a a
Girl that’s 35 years younger than this is Hottie mcot and TOD you might recognize her from Captain America the First Avenger she was she was Uso dancer number six of 20 there were 20 of them listening the she was among the 20 so everywh you look for this movie when it
Describes the cast it credits her with the Captain America role like it was a major Ro it’s the best that they can do oh Jesus but yeah but she recognizes Victor’s buddy Nick as their as their check in right and then Eric is like hey
Wait do you two know each other and he’s like why no we do not it’s so funny how bad the performance is great because we’ve all seen this part of a spy movie where it’s like the person recognizes the other person and there’s sort of a knowing look but this actor who plays
Nick is just staring at her like her top fell open the entire scene and Eric Roberts is like hey man what are you doing and he’s like nothing yes nothing right so yeah so then we cut to flatly in a church desperately justifying his gam inclusion here Christian movie yeah
He does double Christian movie yeah well and the priest even walks up to him here and he’s like hey man are you actually going to do my religion this time or are you just here to sit around and be mopy and he’s like yeah sit around and be
Mopy come on again have you noticed how nobody ever has a conversation in church while looking at each other because the priest does the classic thing Michael flatley’s there in the Pew the priest walks up behind and stands ajason to the Pew behind him and they have a
Conversation like that and you see in every are not allowed to look at each in church is that a rule maybe you have to be looking at the crucifix the whole time or something it’s like when you’re going to dinner with your wife and they
Put you at a booth but you have to be next to each other and you’re just like a this is really [Â __Â ] awkward like ah man my neck hurts also this this priest as well he’s very clearly got like a northern accent like he’s from Yorkshire or something like that how what’s your
Story how are you a Yorkshire priest at Michael flatley’s baren uh Church well this brings up my favorite thing about the movie and look I know this is hypocritical cuz Americans do this all the time like the [Â __Â ] aliens have you know Brooklyn Accents in every Hollywood movie but there was something
So funny to me about every single person in this multinational spy Corporation being like hello my name is the Dark Wing of the night now don’t you know yeah and it’s but I just love the fact that he’s the O priest because I think at this point as well like he he
Tries to get flatly to confess his sins yes and Flat’s having none of it and the pr like all right well you know if you need me I’ll be down pit I’ll be I’ll be outside down pit and also we have to acknowledge the suit that Michael Flatley is wearing
Because this is his best worst suit of the entire movie it’s this golden yellow like like [Â __Â ] McDonald’s arches yellow plaid jacket over a midnight blue shirt and tie it would be a really adorable outfit to put a small child in right like if put my toddler in this
Outfit everyone would be like oh my God that picture of him in the little yellow suit is so cute oh and his hat is it that little angle and everything exactly it’s like an adorable children’s photo shoot but he is 65 he’s 65 y’all he’s 65 he’s older than the age
My dad was when he died and he’s walking around dressed like a cute [Â __Â ] picture day for my do yes at this point his hat has has gone beyond JY if if his hat gets any more angled he’s going to be having to wear it vertically this is
Staying on by friction Al he’s balancing it on his head at this point you know you can do that thing where if you like you rub a balloon on your jumper you can get to like stick to the wall the Hat you have to R the Hat on
The jumper first so we go back to the hotel matidi is filling him in he’s like hey you know Eric Roberts’s character checked in he’s like oh okay great and then Nick the buddy is is like hey Michael Flatley I have something really important to tell you and Michael
Flatley is like no you don’t because like it works better if he sees the blonde without expecting it right like that’s the beat that they’re going for but it’s so cartoonishly stupid in its execution that he’s like hey I have to tell you something it’s important and
Then his boss is like no it isn’t and he’s like oh okay bye yeah it’s again the beat is supposed to be I’m too busy tell me later why didn’t you tell me but he’s not too busy just walking around dressed like a little sailor lad from a pornographic
Cartoon meanwhile we got Eric Roberts and the blond hotti Mott her character’s name is viven they’re settling into their hotel she comes in in her underwear and she’s like hey which of these dresses with um knee length necklines would you would you prefer me to wear tonight right and Eric Roberts
Is like I’m playing slay the Spire go do somewhere yeah he’s too busy working he gives her a bunch of money and he’s like hey go you know go out shop and have yourself a good time I don’t have time for you right he hands her this wad of
NS and they look actively wet it’s like a papy and masier w of N I don’t know what Eric Roberts did to that money that was what he was paid in and they were like hey Eric do you mind if we use your big wat of money which was exactly what
You had in your contract big wat of money big wet wad of money for w brackets one yes he was like okay but I already took a shower with it so just know that it’s going to be soing wet so she so she leaves she’s wearing a
[Â __Â ] the dress the neckline on her dress literally plunges below her navl have you ever seen someone who’s in a like very revealing outfit and they’re just uncomfortable that’s every woman in this movie right dress however you want and some people love to show off their bodies but every actress here was shown
Their outfit for the day by Michael Flatley to the tune of ah yeah and they were like God damn it yeah he brings it out in an egg or whatever and he’s like hey wait I got your yeah and so and then Eric Roberts we’re back at his hotel he
Gets a call on his 1956 phone from akmed the Libyan teror I did not see a writing credit for Jeff Dunham on this one guys so uh there’s lwuit going to blow up get ready everyone when they get off the phone ammed says don’t disappoint me and Eric
Roberts again we’ve heard that you know cliche line a thousand times in movies Eric Roberts’s response you stay with me for the rest of my day Eric Roberts says I don’t disappoint anyone ever yes Eric Roberts says I I wrote my notes I’m like well Vivian didn’t seem too impressed
I’ll be honest with you it feels like that’s like an affirmation his therapist has given him like Eric Roberts’s therapist like just you’re fine Eric just just remember you are worth it you’re worth it it’s okay what other people think of me is none of my
Business I’m Eric rubbers so then we cut to Vivian she’s out on the beach in a hilariously revealing bikini again the chosen by a 12-year-old boy’s erection yeah this is where we meet Quan so she’s got this security linebacker that follows her around and watches her wherever she goes and she’s not super
Comfortable with it and this movie does not do enough to establish that it’s not because he’s black right there’s no it do not yes no it does not it really should they should have maybe gotten a white guy for this one cuz there’s a lot
Of like I don’t like the way he looks at me and I’m like yeah second out of two black guys huh second black guys is used to ever say that about I mean look I know Michael Flatley wrote the script so there was no way someone was going to come up to Michael
Flatley and be like hey Michael I’m worried that’s a little racist and he’s like well you have not heard my Twitter okay trust me this is me toned down well when when Michael flaty meets Quan he he describes him as he’s a big unit and it’s like yeah because like the nword is
Frowned on these days it says that in the script instead yeah yeah now someone changed that in his script and he was like I swear I wrote the way you know I must have wrote unit um yeah so but this is where Michael flatly sees Vivian for
The first time and we get this conversation that might as well have been made with cliche movie magnets on his fridge he goes and I quote you’re a sight for sore eyes and she says and I quote no one has seen you for years we feared you were dead we Jesus Christ she
Delivers these lines with all the conviction of an AI generated YouTube video like one that no has been involved in the making of at all yeah yeah but she’s like no I’ll explain the plot to you later so she runs off he goes back to chat with his buddy Nick and he’s
Like hey why didn’t you warn me about it and he’s like but I did and and remember you walked by and you said it wasn’t important he like right right [Â __Â ] and a thing I have to point out one thing we’ve described Michael flatley’s hat we’ve described his suit we haven’t
Described his way of wearing shirts because I think as this film goes on he loses a button in each scene like he’s playing sort of strip poker in between he rewards himself for every take by eating a button um off of whatever shirt he is wearing and again like you can see
The body of an elderly person right Miley looks fine he keeps in shape he’s got a personal trainer he’s got all that you know [Â __Â ] tap dancing money but like I don’t want to see Joe Biden in a g string either it’s [Â __Â ] disconcerting and then okay so we cut to
Eric and Vivian they’re having lunch together and Eric is quite impressed with the view and the rates are quite reasonable too at this hotel that they’re staying at well it’s it’s really a great place to vacation does he say what a beautiful view and she says this
Place is fabulous and I think this is Michael flatley’s if not his actual property then certainly he’s arranged a deal with the owners of this hotel to get them to use this so this feels like straight out of the Brer like they get to use that in an advert somewhere yeah
Well she’s complain about not wanting a black guy around all the time to Eric Roberts and he’s like all right I’ll I’ll have him back off a little bit and then a henchman comes to whisper something to him that’s very important and it’s he’s so gentle and
Quiet with it it’s such like a delicate whisper it may be GLE it’s not like kind of so I’ve got something he’s like so uh I just want to let you know you look great today Eric you don’t ever a disapp thank you I
Know I gave you 50 bucks to say that to me every 17 minutes but I really you’re doing a great job with it also the moment that I’ve always wanted to happen in a bad guy movie actually happens here which is that he gets the ominous whisper and the lady’s like what was
That and he’s like oh you could you could see the ominous whisper uh nothing yes right right um he was making fun of he was telling me I don’t disappoint anyone all right well I know this is a random as [Â __Â ] spot for a break but in
My defense they all are so we’re just going to take one here but we’ll be back in a minute with even more Blackbird um no that that won’t do hey Marsh what’s the matter yeah what you working on oh hey fellas yeah I’m just searching the internet for speed walking
Work workouts speed walking workouts yeah after years of trying to keep up with Nichol’s superhuman walking speed I’m trying to find something that can close the gap well if You’ got a fitness goal a great way to get there is is fitbod what’s fitbod it’s an app that’s
Like having your own personal trainer but way better it’s cheaper you can work out anywhere with or without equipment and it’s easy to build a custom fitness plan that works for you that sounds great but have you guys actually tried it I sure have I love that the app
Provides me easy to follow videos for every single workout move and then I can adjust my workout based on how I’m feeling what I have to work with and even my previous workouts that’s why I no Illusions personally endorse fitbod all right fellas I’m sold uh where do I
Sign up add fitbot to your workout Essentials join fitbod today to get your personalized workout plan get 25% off your subscription or try the app for free at fitbod domme gam that’s fit.me gam all right Nicola here I come okay but like like how fast can she
Really be walking so we went to see my niece run the 100 me a dash this year at school and Nicola took first prize on her way to the L wow all right I called together this secret meeting of the evil secret cabal of war criminals I am known as the volcano I’m
Destroying Villages of men women and children and that is why I wear a ring and I am the Viper I poisoned a thousand Wells and left innocence with the choice of death or thirst my reputation tells you what they chose that’s why I I wear
The ring uh hi everyone I’m uh I’m Craig I uh I put up the Red Cross flag in my dorm room so uh yeah that’s why I I wear the ring sorry who is this guy oh he is Craig I’m Craig no I I heard his name
What what did you do oh yeah right so I spent a summer volunteering for the Red Cross in asistan and so I put up a Red Cross in my in my dorm room that’s not a war crime oh no technically it is it’s the misuse of an amnesty symbol it’s actually pretty
Serious yeah yeah okay but like I mean guys come on look M we’re all war criminals here and I’m I’m ready to get down to business you’re the one who seems like you’d rather be chatting fine fine so I was thinking maybe we plant the bomb in this school ooh excellent
Perhaps a dirty bomb for a touch of poison you evil Bard I love it yeah yeah and and I was thinking we could um put up some Red Cross Flags while we’re there seriously what you did your thing I’m doing mine he’s right you did oh all right [Laughter]
Fine and we’re back for more of this [Â __Â ] we’re going to rejoin the action with a little shirtless shot of flatly Shaving in case you w worried we weren’t going to get a shot of those abs and guys can you believe he’s 65 is what flatly wants you to think as you watch
Yeah how many times do you think someone had to explain to him that he wasn’t allowed to script us the audience in the he’s like no no I just I went to one of them Rocky Horror Picture shows and they all yelled out at the same time and I
Just want like a you know woo wo wouldn’t I be so lucky I’ll give everyone in the audience $1,000 well what’s truly amazing about this is that we just see him shaving shirtless and hunched over so as to obviously Flex his abs which I look if
My abs look like that I would hunch over every time I was shirtless in front of a mirror I get it and then that scene is over right that was it that was it there was no point to that no so and then we cut to the concierge
Lady she is calling a pay phone in London to get a background check on Eric Roberts and I guess we’re to assume that this character always stays by this pay phone or that she has a particular minute where she calls for backgrounded that there’s a pay it’s
Like you know how you call certain people in your family because if you don’t you’ve admitted that they’re not your family anymore that’s what this movie does to its own beginning right they’ll just be hey none part of the movie we we remember you how’s cousin shmey I love that
Analogy Eli cuz that’s why I don’t call my family yeah you see exactly yeah and they haven’t gotten the message and it sucks am I right Mar but yeah so but she’s she’s calling to get a background check on Blake malanu and the guy who is one of the
Guys at the funeral who was talking about how Michael Flatley was the best at what he does the guy is he’s like well I actually know I’ve heard of Eric Roberts he’s super dangerous he’s probably doing something super evil that’s going to kill a bunch of people
We’re going to need Michael Flatley to come out of retirement and super spy this one for us right and I I don’t know why I don’t know why they need him in they don’t say like oh he’s the greatest assassin therefore we need him to kill him he’s the greatest at like sneaking
Around listening to stuff only he can sneak on listen like his skill set is never defined and why nobody else has even like do they if they’re still like the MI6 kind of agency do they have nobody on staff who can do anything approaching spy work like oh it has to
Be the 65y old guy right cuz I feel like the second best spy would still be pretty good here it’ be fine yeah Absol I mean this is quite a serious thing I I feel like you you put your resources into the people you’ve got rather than
Spend all your time trying to C like a sepag genarian or well sector genarian out of retirement yes right well especially when we’re eventually going to learn that this guy didn’t even have the sense to put his like mcguin into the safe at the hotel he’s just got
[Â __Â ] brief I don’t feel like you need the world’s number one spy for this [Â __Â ] not even a locked briefcase it’s got a lock it is spoilers not locked exactly so yeah okay so now we’re GNA get this long shot of the bar this long panning shot of the bar again the
Cinematographer way too good for this [Â __Â ] movie we watch The Jazz Singer J Jazz lip Sinker Lady this is meline she walks around the bar I [Â __Â ] Michael flatly right yeah she sings at some point and I know who told her about mic technique but she she just smoed her
Face right up against her Jazz Mark in a way that I imagine would not sound nearly as pleasant as the voiceover M sa it’s like the first year and a half of Eli podcasting that’s how much she knows about mic placement yeah yeah but if the microphone was played the right way
She’s got the mic pointed at the floor so and by the way we should point out here here at this point this is the only time we’ll ever see Michael Flatley with all the buttons done on his shirt and you can see why he never has all the
Buttons done these buttons are screaming in pain hardest working actors in the movie hardest working actors and guys has uh has anyone anyone ever noticed that Michael Flatley is a bit like a modern Frank Sinatra yes Michael Flatley has noticed that he’s the only one to have noticed that yes he’s noticed that
Quite a bit yes oh God and at this point I wrote my notes I’d love for something to happen I actually pay for something to happen right now I would buy some fireworks just to set them off in the middle of this goddamn dance floor but
This is where he asks Vivien for a dance and we’re like of course we’re all like all right well as as terrible as this guy is he’s a good dancer at the very least maybe this will be a fun exciting scene where he rips up the dance floor
With viven no no no it’s like it’s like me dancing at a [Â __Â ] wedding so it’s not weird just a weir slow down they do the Rock and forth yeah they’re just like he doesn’t even Dipper or do anything you’re a dancer you’re a good dancer ah and it’s it’s not totally
Clear why she would dance I me obviously we’ll find out that they know each other but in this in the S the story of this of what we’ve seen so far it’s not totally clear and all I can assume is that Michael Flatley can just get any
Woman at the bar to dance with him because this is his Island and he has Prima knct her or something yes that’s how Eric Roberts reacts he’s like no no he owns the bar you’re allowed to Just Dance with my fiance and everything in it yeah yep I’m gonna do that at QED
This year I’m just GNA walk over to random people’s Partners husbands mothers and just be like may I slow dancing with them I was wondering which bit you said you were going to do at QD because we have very specific policies about some of those yeah
Exactly you know the first year I came to QED I was a little confused about priman nocta and I have never heard the end of it from Nicola gee oh Jesus so yeah so he gets done with his dance Eric Robert didn’t seem to care much for it but he’s too drunk
At this point to do anything about it I don’t think that’s a character choice but yes he is way too drunk to care so then okay so then flatly and his team head over to this outdoor office so they can give him the background report on
Eric Roberts and this this is such a weird tonel shift because he’s like in the previous scene he ends the previous scene like staring at her tits from about three centimeters away and not saying a word and then we immediately cut him like doing this serious business
It’s like has he’s still probably got a on at this point as he’s walking to discuss terrorist but this is where they point out I love this detail so godamn much they point out that Eric Roberts is such a bad guy that he wears the ring that signifies The Secret cabal of war
Criminals that are the very worst in the world a secret society of war criminals yes and then this is where they explain what the McGuffin is and this is the best I would I almost went with best wor so much [Â __Â ] this is so [Â __Â ] good they’re like he’s going to sell the
Formula that went missing in London to evil war criminals in Africa and and Michael flatly of course is he’s like what’s the formula well what he specifically says Michael fluty says tell me more about these secret formulas and I wrote well to begin with the word is
Formula it’s it’s a it’s a different plural Michael but anyway we’ll skip over that all to be fair he says farm yars so you know that’s true that’s true but yeah but they tell him that the formula this is so [Â __Â ] good the formula improves and supercharges your
Immune system and I’m like so you just walk around dripping snot and coughing all the time with a [Â __Â ] fever check out Marsh we know we know from our years of be reasonable that’s a great thing to do incredibly important yeah absolutely you got to boost that immune system but
So so with that formula you could live a world without pain or disease and I’m like I think world without pain would be a terrible idea that sounds awful I don’t think I want you jump on way more stages no a exactly but but he says but
If you alter one ingredient it’ll kill you is that how formulas work well it is like like that’s how table salt works right like there’s an extraordinary number of everyday chemicals where you just have to alter one [Â __Â ] inred for it to kill you you wouldn’t have to buy
If you CU what they establish is that if you put this in the water supply anybody who drinks it’ll die and I’m like there’s already stuff that does that you don’t need a secret [Â __Â ] compound I mean alter one ingredient and it’ll kill you that’s true of Bolognese if you like
Switch the ground beef for Uranium for iron shavings yeah no that’ll do it every time that’ll do it every time do you think cuz they make it seem like it gives you AIDS and I bet there are cut Lin from the script where Michael Flatley was like oh it’s like the AIDS
Is it and they were like you can’t you say that on camera Michael Flatley please stop saying AIDS so okay so he’s learning that and meanwhile Eric and Vivian are having dinner and she’s mad because he’s not spending enough time with her and I wrote in my notes are those the
Stakes currently yes also at this point I realize Eric Roberts is the best actor in this film he’s like acting Eric Rober I mean he’ll undermine that a second later in In This Very scene but he’s still better than everyone else in this entire film it’s it’s that is not a good
Bar to have somehow gone under the Eric Roberts bar is not one to limbo under and I should point out for those playing along Eric Roberts is [Â __Â ] drunk like she’s like I don’t know I thought we were going to spend time together and he’s like h
F he gets all mad she talks back so slaps the table he’s all mad and there’s this great moment this is my favorite space work moment in the history of God ala movies he’s mad at her he doesn’t want to talk about this anymore he just
Wants to eat his food so he picks up his knife and fork like I’m gonna eat my food now but the food that’s sitting in front of him is a Caesar salad right so he has to he has to roll with this and he acts like he’s going to use this
Knife to eat his lettuce and croutons she storms off and we cut back to him and he’s literally cutting up his salad with he cutting up his salad yep [Â __Â ] committed also he’s drunk do you think does Eric Roberts do weird food stuff in every movie that he’s in cuz he had the
Sandwich in Jingle smell oh you’re right yeah maybe that’s his thing like a very weird approach to food in which case he’s a [Â __Â ] genius look I’ve been with Heath after 10 p.m. at night and if I was like big jar of pickles he’d be like big jar of pickles I think that’s
Just Eric Roberts’s situation so but but we cut back to Flat Le he’s they’ve given him the background report he’s like look I don’t want to have have anything to do with Eric Roberts in the [Â __Â ] formula that’s going to kill millions in Africa whatever no big deal
Right yeah he’s saying like oh yeah I don’t want to be in that life anymore because that life ruined everything which presumably is why he thinks they should just let the baddies have the kill everyone portion so the entire world dies which wouldn’t be ruining everything that’ll be fine by by FL as
Long as he keeps his b right yeah and by way ruin everything means move to Barbados and live in this [Â __Â ] fancy ass Hotel bar all the time it must be awful yeah own this Kasa Blan surrounded by women a third of his age who want to
[Â __Â ] him a nightmare life he leads exactly okay so he says no and then we need to talk about the funniest thing that’s ever happened to the entire universe definely do I want to be culturally sensitive here because this was such a specific moment that I was
Like is this a thing that I need to know about C cuz there’s no way it’s you can’t I can’t live if this is just a choice an actor made it needs to be which culture do you think does this this is what I’m saying it needs to be
An Irish tradition listen to me that when you lose an important argument you Bang Your Head on the table otherwise this actor has made the craziest Choice ever cuz he walks out and listener the way that you or I might like pound our fist into our other fist or maybe slam
Our fist down onto the table this actor does with his own head he just bounces his head off the table okay I think I understand it I think I understand because if you you’d bang your hand on the table if you were frustrated but what you’re not bearing
In mind here Eli is the stakes the actor is trying to convey the stakes this isn’t like oh you know you got into an argument about which parking space you should have used or who was late for the thing this is about the entire world dying a simple hand banging on the table
That’s not going to convey how bad this is it’s got to be the head can see his thinking it’s great so not only does he do that but then every other actor in the movie is like hey man what the [Â __Â ] was that they really do and he’s like I
Got to go that hurt a lot you that actor is like oh why did I head there’s no way that was in the script right that’s not and that’s why everyone reacts that way was like who man what did you just do yeah all right so here’s what actually
[Â __Â ] happened I watched this scene like 11 [Â __Â ] times cuz it’s the funniest thing in the world he just storms off of this guy headbutts the table like what and so I kept going back I think what happened is that he slammed both hands on the table but he moved his
Head down as he did it and he moved out of frame so it looks like he just headbutted the table just SL I’m so relieved I’m so relieved I I was just like this is not I don’t know what’s I can’t move forward in a world where when this guy’s kid
Comes home with a B minus everyone has to put pillows around yeah Eli you you’ve saved Eli a lot of problems at the Dublin live show that you’ll never do the F all right so yeah so flatley’s out he’s having a drink drowning his Sorrows remembering the good times with his
Fiance this is where I wrote this is the godest room I’ve ever seen that didn’t have Donald Trump in it and they it’s him and his fiance they’re having dinner in the dining room but it’s the world’s biggest table but they’re purged really awkwardly on the very very end like this
Was like I know this was shot in his house but it feels like maybe like the real estate agent was coming around to take some shots for the sale later and he’s like well don’t mess up the whole table cuz then we’ll have to clean the
Whole table before we do the just this corner is fine and that way we don’t need to you won’t M up the varnish or anything and I know this is hard to say after the scene we just [Â __Â ] did but this might be the funniest [Â __Â ] scene
In the movie cuz this is where meline the jazz singer comes in right she’s wearing this robe she drops her robe she’s got a g string on underneath it she like looks back at him coquettishly like yes I desperately want to [Â __Â ] you Grandpa MH MH and what does she say at
This point Noah oh God does she say any I don’t think she says anything does she no one says anything in this whole [Â __Â ] scene it is astonishing she just walks in silently drops her rub stands there in her knickers and her high heels looks over her shoulder and nobody says
A [Â __Â ] word until she’s back at the door it is wild to me right he just put he puts her [Â __Â ] robot and sends her away and I’m like maybe that’s cuz you’re 61 years older than her is that why yeah is that what it is Buddy is
That what it is also I love that this actress was like no I’m not showing my boobs for this movie and he was like what about soy boob and Shadow he was like you fine like this is this is a like contractually obligated side boob
If ever we see one absolutely but I also I wonder whether there’s an element of they didn’t know what rating the film was going to have to get by the end it’s like okay well don’t don’t don’t have her tits out because then I I Michael
Flatley won’t going to have to cut her tits back out of the film like once they’re there they’re in for good so you know he can’t trust himself with that he walks her out like you’re feed a neighborhood cat and then the owners put a collar on it that’s like don’t feed me
Cuz the cat’s getting fat cuz it’s your fault that’s how he walks her he’s like I’m sorry but I know I’ve been I’ve been putting out a can of whiskies but you you have a name yeah so he sends her away he has another flashback this is where we see
The like the bad guy lighting his fiance up like a medieval lady with an opinion right don’t worry it will get funnier it is already that funny and it will only get funnier he’s also wearing the world’s tightest leather jacket like it is way too tight as he’s walking in the woods yeah
Child’s Gap and then he wakes up at the end of his flashback and I think he wakes up like shocked because he’s like why did nobody tell me how tight that jacket was when you see a phot of yourself from 10 years and goes I can’t believe I wore
That what my friends do could they not have said something he’s he’s that I think not at all Marsh can’t relate to that at all Morgan cut that yeah you like remember that time you used to wear like respectable clothing what were my friends letting me do yes exactly so
Okay so the next day we see that that Vivan is mad at Eric she’s giving him the silent treatment right Nick still hasn’t given up on trying to get Michael Flatley to prevent the war crimes but Michael flatley’s given up that life damn it mhm can we talk about his hat in
The in this scene as he’s like he’s moving bottles because he’s a regular who Ms he’s not one of those kind of B he’s moving the bottles he’s moving crater bottles like from his left to his right everyone else is carrying them like quite a distance but he is wearing
An incredibly lowcut shirt like open all the way and a flat cap and it is an adorable flat cap it is it’s like you ever seen that thing on YouTube I forget what they’re called but there’s a school that does like really nice musicals with kindergarteners it’s like their
Production of Guys and Dolls there you go size and everything like he just took the costum direct well yeah and then and this is of course where the concer comes out and swaps out his bottle moving hat for his driving hat for him right he
Goes to leave and Nick says hey you know what 10 years ago you wouldn’t have just let this formula fall into the wrong hands and Flat’s like well that was before the time Jump wasn’t it we cut ahead if you recall like yeah he’s like God damn it don’t make me explain my
Backstory in front of the staff at least wait for a a private doodle do and again I was of the really happy to learn this wasn’t the case but I was now of the belief that the character Nick bad butts things when he’s upset and they’re
Talking in front of a fountain I was like no this is dangerous is he going to headbutt that [Â __Â ] pH do people need to pick where they give Nick bad news you know I do want to talk to you but not here in the middle of this apple
Orchard can we oh Michael I’m I’m interested in the uh in the yard there you’ve you’ve hired a bouncy castle like an inflatable bouncy castle Nick can we can we meet the I need you to sit down but then I need you s like sway up and down slightly as
I move like like an oceany kind of oh this isn’t good my wife just said she wants to meet me at Mattress Barn so yeah so Nick storms off he’s all very upset Michael flatlake gets in his car and just then Vivien jumps into the passenger seat and she’s like drive cuz
She wants to escape from Quan right so they drive off we see he has to like dingy his way out to the big boat to tell Eric Roberts that Vivian escaped and Eric Roberts is like it doesn’t matter nothing in this movie has consequences so you’re fine okay what’s
Happening right now on this boat guys so they they’ve gone to the sea to do a bank transfer by internet I think that he’s hacking he’s having to hack the [Â __Â ] he’s got a South African hacker the South African hacker accent is incredible I love a South African Accent
On a bad white guy he’s like I can’t do it with all the time precious it’s lovely I absolutely love it they also but they brought champagne and boat babes yes and can I say heavy air quotes on the boat bab these people were like
Yeah no if you rent the boat we will stand on it but only if you don’t leave the dock and Michael Flatley was like so boat be yeah right right I feel like they were working at the boat yard like the place where rich people buy boats
And they were the the sort of the thing to lure people into the boat and Michael FL was like I’ll take the boat and the girls for an hour all right fine yes right right so yeah so so they’re on the boat he’s talking to his hacker his
South African hacker guy and he’s giving him like more generic bad guy talk but so the hacker has to hack harder right because he’s threatening him he’s like you know if you don’t hack hacky enough then I’m gonna hack you up and so the hacker types really fast and can we just
Can we just let the listen lers be fully aware of Eric Robert’s other motivational technique when it comes to your hacker banker they’re not working fast enough what you need to do is just straddle them from behind and like slowly dry hump them and that will
Really speed up and In fairness if I was that close to Eric Roberts I would suddenly become an incredibly good hacker I was going to say I’d somehow Channel it somehow yeah I could play concert piano is the alternative was being dry humped by Eric Roberts so
Hacker’s like yeah so we got out we did the hack and he’s like okay so transfer this money from me and he’s like oh I can’t do that cuz we don’t have money in that account yet and Eric Roberts is like oh all right well throw him off the
Boat and so he has a henchman throw the hacker off the boat they’re not like they’re not moving at the time right let’s just just be and they’re not far no look this guy could just swim back to the boat and go like well now my shoes
Are wet you [Â __Â ] yes and he continues to participate in the conversation he’s like oh come on now guys yeah prank what I love about it is that’s just a very light-hearted prank then one of the other people in the B like hey you can’t do a light-hearted prank like that and
Quan breaks his neck and breaks his neck so the boat babes are just witnesses to murder now do we have to St there next was such a low stick he just like pushed the guy off into not that deep Waters well that is something worth breaking someone’s neck to cover up no one
Accuses Eric Roberts of breaking the pool rules because that would be disappointing someone and I never disappoint anybody ever in fness it is pool rules cuz he’s also just heavy petted him as he was hacking so like he’s broken two of the pool rules right at this point he needed a
Stern talking to yeah so okay so then we cut to flatly and Vivian walking on the beach discussing her backstory we are halfway through this movie 45 minutes into this movie at this point literally nothing has happened I wrote in my notes at this point I will suck this movie’s
Dick if that will make a thing happen but it won’t oh see I was loving this I was loving this the way that like you ever see someone get up and waste too much of their time of their best man speech on a bit and then they have like
Four they realize they have 4 seconds left to be nice because they were too busy doing like an impersonation of a seagull or whatever that’s what this movie does the movie blew its wad on Michael Flatley in his tiny little baby outfits and now they were like [Â __Â ] [Â __Â ]
Guys we have 36 minutes to finish a movie it is but it’s it’s literally the opposite of that because I think all the fundamental scenes that are actually like of anything actually happening in this movie and we haven’t really had many of them just yet those were the
Ones that they filmed in 2018 when they said the movie was finished but it wasn’t and then when they were shipping it around to like can we get someone to actually do the rest of it and no one did they like [Â __Â ] we’ve got to fill the
Rest of this movie and that’s what we’ve covered so far is just like just Michael flat like twiddling his thumbs and people like whistling down with their hands in their pockets that’s what we’ve been experiencing yeah so okay but then they explain their back story story she
Was uh still a spy with the agency and was tasked with keeping an eye on Eric Robertson fell in love with him now they’re now she’s going to marry him right and Vivian turns to him and she’s like so that’s my backstory what’s your backstory and he’s like this weird that
You would ask because you know this already but yeah I will also tell you my backstory right yeah but this is where we learned that he and fire girl were secretly engaged he kept it a secret because he didn’t want any of his secret
Spy [Â __Â ] to come back on her but it did but but then he brought her on a mission it’s entirely unclear oh was she kidnapped maybe no [Â __Â ] idea it was bring your fiance to spycraft day and I I really shouldn’t have taken it as seriously and when we see flashbacks the
Mission does just look like a paintball game that got out of hand that’s what I feel the mission and the lines that they say to each other are so bad that it’s hard for me to believe it wasn’t bad on purpose these are the actual lines these two
People say he says I’ll never forgive myself for that and she says you can’t go on Living Without Love and then he says in the bright shining Morning Sun it’s getting late it’s like 2:30 it isn’t we can see the it definitely isn’t late we watched the characters eat breakfast we know the
Timeline right unless she marched angrily around that hotel for 6 to8 hours yeah well how far from the hotel did they drive isn’t that circumnavigated the island he took her on like the tour and okay this is where that you can see dolphins actually sometimes certain times not all the time but occasionally
You get dolphins on so then he he drives her back to the hotel now it is late right they get back to the hotel like he heard us he heard the jok it’s [Â __Â ] late see it’s late night or or it’s like he could only afford to higher the Sun for so long
It’s like yeah the both the girls and the sun they’ve got to go back to the shop within the hours we have to be pretty quick about that sorry I spent all our son money on side poop but it’s okay it’s okay we’ll get it workout so
Okay so she goes back in he goes his way she goes her way Nick catches her as she goes back into the hotel and we have this Great Exchange where he’s like your fiance is a war criminal and she’s like no he’s not and they just scream this in
This crowded hotel lobby yeah she didn’t she couldn’t tell before because you didn’t want to give anything away to Nick but now it’s fine to have like a very loud yell argument in the middle of the bar it’s yeah it’s amazing about what a [Â __Â ] war criminal her
Boyfriend is yeah Nick says the sentence you have to get out and the amount of syllables that this actor manages to work into the word out it’s beyond accent it’s beyond culture it’s a tone poem he’s a you have to get a his Irish accent is more offensive
Than yours at this point Eli putting you to shame no question yes also like the reason Nick and and Michael flaty know her is because she was also a spy so she was a spy assigned to spy on the bad guy and was like well this guy’s story
Checks out I’m going to marry him that was the story We meant to believe here she’s a [Â __Â ] spy oh God Nick says this is probably the worst line in the movie and I love it so godamn much I want to embroider it on a [Â __Â ] pillow Nick
Says you were with the agency Viv we used to stop the bad guys not marry them feels like a very specific training you would have had to go Through that was the agency’s motto and you know what I never thought it would come in useful and here we are yeah if only you learned Latin V so yeah so she storms off a lot of people storm in this movie I’ve never used storm as a verb more into my
[Â __Â ] life she storms off flatly storms on and he’s like Nick how dare you get onto her for marrying a [Â __Â ] war criminal get out of here and he’s like didn’t I wander off in a rage in the last scene and he’s like yeah actually now that you mentioned it you
Did what are you doing back here all you guys took nine hours to drive around all Barbados I I got snacky and came back I had to take a [Â __Â ] yeah I forgot my hat I come back to the hat so Viv goes back to her hotel room
Eric Roberts has left the [Â __Â ] prom dress out for her right to change into so she changes into it then she goes to a secret briefcase right and this is where she finds the McGuffin the hollow coin which is like a [Â __Â ] SD card or something
Right in what world can we describe this as a secret brief kisse in that he’s left it out on the bed unlocked with war crimes it might as well be a box labeled War crime it’s it’s a little less secure than Kanye West’s passcode yes quick reminder Kanye West passcode is
000000000000 amazing so all right so she gets but she gets the beguin and she starts walking around looking at it like oh this is very clearly a bad guy SD card and just then Eric Roberts comes in she has to act like n’s up so she sits
There and we do that moment and this is in every Spy movie right where the girl knows but she can’t let on that she knows yet you know right so he comes in behind her he’s wearing a [Â __Â ] a robe with green glowy grid over black that
Would look out of place without Vector graphic spaceships flying across it the whole [Â __Â ] time and and I will say usually these scenes are sort of characterized by suspense and ominous nature this is more of a is Eric Roberts going to throw up on this woman kind of
Suspense it’s it’s throw up a sexually harassed those are the two options and he he could wave or ey the way yeah and you can really see her hoping for throw up in in her eyes as she tries to get out of this scene yeah she looks so
Upset by Eric Roberts touching her and that just isn’t acting that’s why it looks so convincing she is not acting right yes so he goes to take a shower she’s like oh I’m going to go get some water and he says have room service send it up I’m like have send up [Â __Â ]
Water you overprivileged [Â __Â ] Jesus hello one Sy please although is is Barbados one of the places you can’t drink the tap water I realize this is a weird pedim point it might be that and this is this it’s fine as a social justice proponent I would never assume that you couldn’t drink the
Water anywhere I go Marsh I drink sink water everywhere I believe in equality you like equal opportunities for parasites and de exactly also I’ve already always got diarrhea anyway so why would I you are the reason other people can’t drink the water yeah right you being introduced to the sewage system of why
Everyone has to stop drinking the water if you’re not going to let me poop in your water tower don’t have a tour that’s all I’m going to say I say that to every city equally looking at you Orlando check out the live show the movies
Live so okay so but she uses this excuse to run off right she’s like I gotta go get some water she hauls ass so she runs she finds meline the jazz singer and she’s like hey where is Michael Flatley but but meline is too jealous to tell or
Actually no she’s not she she say she makes like she’s not going to tell him and then she then she tells her right and she’s just admiring in herself in a mirror because the women in this film have no inner life other than admiring their appearance or having other people
Admire their appearance that’s the only thing they there for yeah sorry I was just finding out who the fairest of them all was what so then we get uh we get Eric Roberts he comes out of his shower and he realizes there was water in that
Hotel the whole time she must be lying look my fiance slow danced with a man I’ve never met last night and then they got into a car and drove for preparent L 8 to 12 hours AOW Alone by themselves on the island but water when there’s
Already water in the room something is a foot I think right so yes so but she finds Michael flatly standing like looking pensively from his private balcony and she like she starts telling him like you know oh you know you were right he’s a bad guy and I have the
McGuffin and everything Michael Flatley will deliver his life he’s talking to his like long lost love who’s visibly distraught he’s delivering these like he’s reading back her order at the drivethru right he’s like he doesn’t know that acting is supposed to have emotions in it you know when someone
Catches you on your way to the bathroom and you don’t want to be like sorry I have to shake a big old [Â __Â ] right now so you try to do a quick version of the conversation that’s how Michael flatly acts in this scene sort of like well you
Know mini discs are when to you know what I’m saying oh man vindo Curry right why would I choose a curry right now so yeah so but she shows Victor the memory card and she’s like this is the McGuffin and he says that holds the formula that could kill millions of
People but and and then of course the thing to do then would be destroy it right yes just you get it wet put a magnet there set it a flame or something whatever but at this point she’s like you know I can’t believe I was such a
Fool to get involved with him I need you to take this formula and get rid of it and he’s like oh I don’t want to get involved and this is incredible to me he still doesn’t want to get involved we are 2third of the way through his vanity
Project where he’s a super secret spy and he still hasn’t done anything and been presented with an opportunity to do something he’s like no it feels too active I just want to stick out you know I’ve got to be honest I’ve been wearing tap shoes the entire film they’ve had to
Edit them all out but and I don’t want to ruin them by crushing a mini disc so so yeah and then I and I I’m sorry for just repeatedly reading this movie script to you but it’s so bad you have to hear it to believe that it’s really
This bad he says Vivien I have no strength left to fight and she says Victor you have strength left in you I feel it you’re the only one who can stop this you are V 25 years of standing ovations Michael flatly don’t you tell me oh Jesus Christ but anyone with a
Strong magnet as you say could stop this anybody could like she could stop this she could just destroy the mini disc and it’s done right now just sque just close your hand hard and the whole movie is over yeah so but then meline the jazz
Singer sees them and he sees her sees uh Michael Flatley kiss her and she jealously Harps away and tells Eric Roberts I’m them and I do like that the stakes going on here is that the woman a third of Michael flatley’s age is jealous that the woman a half of Michael flatt’s age
Gets to kiss him and she doesn’t that’s that’s the math that were working out there right and so they go to the even older Eric Roberts and he grabs his henies to go get Michael flatly once and for all and I guess a a less Savvy viewer could believe something was about to
Happen so we’re going to take advantage of that misapprehension long enough to take a quick break but first let me give act three the hard cell will more nearly naked women a third of his age throw themselves at Michael Flatley will every scene from this point on be dumber than
The last one will we ever find out what it is that the Blackbird was supposed to be good at no yes and sort of which should be plenty to keep you here for the action inferred conclusion of Blackbird action inferred is amazing I was really I was really proud of that one that’s
Incredible so this is the the file yes sir you’ll have it in 24 hours perfect show the man out yes sir and Mr bankson yes don’t disappoint me okay I wasn’t planning to good sorry yes Mr bankson it’s just it’s just like a crazy shitty way to end a
Meeting I’m I’m sorry you should be what is that even mean don’t disappoint me well it’s a it’s like a threat I’m threatening you no I picked up that it’s a threat but we’re we’re terrorists right I get that I’m going to get murdered if I mess up it’s just you’re
Creating what’s you’re like creating a hostile work environment hostile work environment thank you seriously Ollie you too honestly I’ve been I’ve been wanting to talk to you about this myself boss guys we are evil War crime terrorists right but I’m just saying we could be evil War crime Terror terrorist
Not in a hostile work environment exactly have you read who Moved My Cheese I’m going to kill both of you yeah we’ve heard yeah hasn’t read who Moved My Cheese hasn’t read who mve my [Laughter] cheese and we’re back for still more of this [Â __Â ] we’re going to rejoin the
Action with flatly on the beach turning that memory card over in his hand thinking about where the plot should go from here right it’s like okay so I’ve I’ve got the deadly formula there’s no reason why I wouldn’t just squh this right now there’s no Poss I mean the
Movie isn’t over it’s the only possible reason I’m right here on the beach I could just skim this into the ocean and we’re done yep sure the [Â __Â ] could but matiti comes by he goes matiti I need you to make a copy of this for me and
I’m like why oh it’s great he’s like yeah I need you to make a copy of this you know what to do and it’s like yeah it starts with going back to 2002 and buying a mini disc player and then getting one of those cbles so meanwhile so Vivien gets back to her
Hotel room only to find Eric Roberts waiting and knowing that you know his evil McGuffin is missing and I’m like well obviously he would know that right she knows that he came to sell that to like war criminals or whatever so it’s worth millions of dollars so like
Obviously why would she go back to the room yeah at this point can I talk about the timeline of this scene as well because in a previous scene he goes in the shower she goes downstairs to have a conversation with Michael Flatley she then comes back up to this room in the
Meantime Eric Roberts is downstairs at the bar talking to somebody in finding out that she’s talking to Michel flatly and then gets back to this room how short was his shower and was his shower a teleporter to the bar or just forgot that he was meant to be taking a shower
And that’s why she got out of the room it’s just it’s inexplicable or did she once again did she like walk all the way around did she circumnavigate Barbados on her way back up to the room yeah none of this [Â __Â ] makes sense she couldn’t remember if you turn left left out of
The bar or right out of the bar to get to the room she turned left she walked around the entire Island should have gone right and she did that thing where it’s like H I could turn back but I can’t remember how much further it is
And at this point it might be longer to turn back so I’ll just gamble I think we’re all right I’ll gamble I’ll carry on or maybe Eric robberts had one of those confusing Hotel showers and you don’t want to call the front desk so you’re just like it’s fine I’m on
Vacation I don’t need to shower so yeah so he tries to do this like menacing line but of course it’s Michael flatly writing the script so it’s just this just random do you think I’m a bad man kind of nonsense that it goes on for
Three or four minutes am I a bad man or am I just which is like it’s what like a an English Google translator would say of a good line in a movie yeah he’s like I’m just trying to make room for newer better people and
I’m like that Nazi so you’re a Nazi and you’re not trying real hard to hide it which is weird cuz Michael flighty disagrees with him and I don’t know where we are here well so I think that that’s Michael flatly trying to be like you know he’s like well you know all the
Best villains are villains that you can sympathize with so what if this one’s a Nazi eugenicist yeah the immigrants are coming to take our jobs but now Eric Roberts has to go meet akmed for dinner and this is going to be really really awkward right because he’s
Supposed to give akmed the disc which he doesn’t have and he has told Ed in no uncertain terms that he never disappoints anyone ever anyone ever so he goes to the he goes to the dinner and there’s this Great Exchange where he goes where’s the money and
Amman goes well I thought and Eric Roberts Cuts him off and goes oh you thought well then the deal’s off I’m keeping my MCU which I totally have you don’t know I have it I have it right here look hand closed and I’ll just wave
It and then I’ll put it back and then I’m just back in my pocket now yes okay don’t insult me again sir but he tells agman he’s like I’m not going to give it to you your boss has to come get get it now we go one bad guy up the chain of
Command and I man’s like well fine and he storms off and I like at this point Quan comes over and like checks in because he’s like oh you know that the boss is like really serious and I just love that they’ve got a relationship where he can like check in on his boss
And like how you doing is everything all right it’s not like a like a judgment kind of thing of like a big Power structure they’re pretty chill in Eric Roberts organization like a family at that terrorist organization and then we cut just now this is a scene that I would normally
Leave out of the review we cut to Nick drunkenly stumbling around the town you know thinking about the back story apparently he was there as well when Michael flatley’s fiance got killed oh yeah he he trips and falls into Michael Michael flatley’s flashback oh no I fall
Into the flashback right yeah so he wanders around in the flashback for a minute and normally I would leave that out but what that scene normally would be doing in a movie is establishing why Nick won’t be there later but Nick will be there later ni will be there later
Just stupid I think that Nick was just really drunk and really had a cameraman with him and he was like why are you filming me and he was like I don’t know man I just it can’t be less interesting than the rest of this Michael said we’re getting reimbursed either that or he’s
Not drunk he’s just suffering from severe concussion from that time he headbutted the table he headbutted the table thank you Marsh and that’s why the cameraman is to follow around they have to make sure that there’s somebody watching him at all times don’t let him go to sleep it’s all right but just
Don’t let him go to sleep not for a little while him it’s fine so then we get that we have to finally get the moment where Eric Roberts and Michael flatly meet right so flatley’s walking through the uh the bar and Eric Robert stops him and he says I
Believe you have my McGuffin oh I love this so much because Eric Roberts stops him by going Victor Blackley and fluty turns around and goes I’m Victor Blackley it’s like yeah he that’s why he said the name he wasn’t like calling it out like it’s uh like like there’s a
Taxi for Victor Blackley in TR Victor Blackley anyone Victor Blackley he was addressing you I’ve actually just been saying random combinations of names you’re the first person to turn around Steve greenish is Steve greenish here no I’m getting an m so good and again it’s just James Bond
Through the lens of an idiot right he has this great moment he’s like cuz they’re going to do the Casino Royale thing and he’s like are you a Gambling Man and Michael flatly says that depends on what you mean yeah it’s like mean like games of chance where you put some money down
To win more money I don’t know how to find it any better I I thought you were asking if I was a giant stack of poker chips that had filled out a human skin suit gotten really popular as a tap dancer in the early ’90s and late 80s
But no I’m not that thing I’m what you said I’m so but yeah but Eric Roberts challenges him to Poker right so we’re going to watch him play Texas Hold him and we’re all very excited because this is the closest anything has come to happening in this entire movie right and
Every I’m so sad Heath isn’t here cuz everything about this poker is hilariously wrong the guy who is the dealer will later be a player yep when they’re introducing the game they announce that aces are high in Texas all as supposed to and multiple cards is better than not having any that match
Also they’ve got so many chips but there’s only two of them you don’t like why would there be $3 million like you’re building a out of chips Michael Flat’s hiding within it there’s so many chips and they’re different shapes like he’s got the he’s got rectangle ones in
The action shots but the circle ones are the set dressing it’s the best oh I forgot my favorite part sorry so they’re both holding their cards like your grandma playing [Â __Â ] goish right like they’re playing Uno Eric Roberts is like waving his around and Michael flatley’s holding one
On each side of his glasses it’s the best Eric Roberts says you can you can tell a lot from about a man from how he plays porker while simultaneously bending the cards in his hand like yeah Eric we [Â __Â ] can we really [Â __Â ] can I do see that you [Â __Â ]
Don’t how to play poker is what I Le yeah and the whole time like they’re trying to Hannibal Lector each other right like Eric Roberts is like I can tell by how hard you press your cards together that you’re a forceful man and all this dumb [Â __Â ] [Â __Â ] that goes on
For so godamn there’s a line Eric Robert says about Michael flat was like well you clearly want to be seen as intelligent which would denote a rather narcissistic personality and I said yeah yeah they do say write what you know Michael flat he’s got it you’re getting it baby and I
Love the third guy at the table because yeah he’s the dealer at times and sometimes he’s a player and I love it when he’s a player because I just wanted to be like just cut him like rolling his eyes as the two like Twi side him keep engaging in this like bantering badage
He’s like just [Â __Â ] player he just keeps calling cards off the table they just keep having to fall cars off there they’re they’re literally he’s literally holding the cards up to his eyes right now and saying I’m an alien bug I’m an alien bug what the [Â __Â ] is happening
There’s this moment where like uh he sees Eric’s bet and then he after putting his chips in he says raise but then he doesn’t raise it’s so wrong it’s so stupid and at one point the blind is 2,000 they’ve all put 2,000 in and then he raises for 40,000 which like that’s
Way more than that’s in the pot they wouldn’t let you do that come on I raise you 8 billion no you don’t you can’t do yeah so but they’re bantering this entire time at one point Eric Robert says you’re nothing but a washed up failed secret agent masquerading as a
Hotel owner and I’m like well he owns a real hotel I mean that is a guys are sitting in and and the poor [Â __Â ] soundtrack it’s just doing its best to add gravitas to this [Â __Â ] 12-year-old’s rendering of a James Bond pre-action sequence and my favorite
Thing about this bit cuz we’ll come back to the game I didn’t know we’ come back to the game my favorite thing is like Eric Roberts put a bet in and Michael flatly folds and like then we cut away it’s like we haven’t even seen the front
Of a single card walking fold well played my friend just normal played so we check on mati and the conci urge they’re like looking for viven now so matiti sneaks into Vivian’s room but Quan gets the drop on him right so we see that we cut back to the poker table
Because we’re not just going to get him folding he he wins eventually too there’s this great stupid [Â __Â ] moment where they go to show their cards and he’s got three queens Michael Flatley does and the audience and there is an audience everyone in the hotel has now
Gathered around to watch these two men play Texas Hold them the audience gasps at three queens there’s like a one in 200 chance I one in like 100 chances you might have that it’s like everyone has that if you play that for long enough it’s not that interesting are those playing cards
Rabble R is that Michael FL But Eric Roberts has a flush at that moment so he ends up winning right and then and then he’s like also didn’t your fiance get burned up in your backstory didn’t that happen too how can you feel so good about cards when your fiance is dead o
Sick Burn yeah sick burn is what she died of actually she died but flat Le got a more tricks up his sleeve he hasn’t tried the old having better cards trick so he uses that on the last hand he goes all in and he wins and it’s so stupid because they
Both go all in and the lady’s like show your cards and Eric Roberts shows his cards and he’s like I have a monologue and the poker lady’s like of course you’re allowed to do your monologue before you your also slow Ro your cards one at a
Time cuz nobody around the table is be bothered by you putting your cars down one at a time yeah and then poker is over poker’s over the end poker you’re just allowed to leave yep he won at the poker and then just then the concer lady
Comes and she’s like hey I need you for a scene in the next room and he’s like oh is it going to be an action scene she’s like none of them are going to be action scenes man calm the [Â __Â ] down okay hey we get one we get half an
Action scene half an action scene we get 113th of an action scene so so but they got to go check on on matiti miti has been shot matiti is dead in a little circle on the ground like like clearly they angled they like they waited for him to
Get to the right spot to shoot him to make this work right right or they shot him and then dragged him into an anti- chamber to be like this is dramatic let’s put him here like a ritual thing oh yeah he’s going to die in the middle
Of the circle otherwise the devil it doesn’t count we don’t get points if he dies out here yeah so yeah right so but matiti has the two memory cards so right like so flatly like you are my great friend but honestly I really just need these two memory cards for now I have
Two of these cards and I don’t know what to do with them right why did they kill him if not for the memory cards yeah like they went to that room looking for the memory cards a guy walks into that room they killed him they didn’t go like
Do you want to just like raffle his pockets a bit in case there’s anything in there that is like the memory cards we’re looking for because if they do that right film over the apocalypse wins yeah so we we cut to the bar Victor and the concierge chick they’re drinking to
The memory of mat mine sure is sorry she walks up and she’s like I’m so sorry that I told the bad guys where you were and then they came and killed matiti and he’s like no I I knew you were the rat I forgive you now matiti was the most killable of my
Former comrades who is now my butler yeah he’s like look there’s only two black guys in the film at least one of them had to die we’ll we’ll take bets on whether the other guy will survive oh here he comes right now comes to die so Quan comes in and he yells black
Bird bir and we’re like oh [Â __Â ] yeah Blackbird if you don’t think the five of us cheered loudly in the cinema when he went black oh [Â __Â ] you do not know us I cheered in my living room right I called Eli and cheered on the phone yeah so yeah it’s time for Michael
Flatly to kick a little ass yes we will get to finally see the fight choreography of the film it is and you might want to write all this down right left right yep right left right but here’s the thing Michael Flatley you this is your movie you get to win the
Fight however you want why did Michael Flatley choose and then I punch him a bunch while he’s down yes I punch him to death while he’s prawn on the floor it’s not like oh I I I got him with such a big shot like a big uppercut that I’ve
Like killed him and I didn’t mean to kill him he’s like no he’s down and now I will beat him to I’ll kill him I’ll beat him to death on the ground yeah right and they they like one of the guys walks up Nick walks up and like checks
For a pulse and he’s like no that guy’s guy’s dead actually and he’s like you bet your ass he’s you punched him so good and seriously no dancing I was so ready for a dance let’s be clear let’s be honest let’s be radically vulnerable if they had had a dance fight just now
This is the best movie ever made can I give you this Eli he punches him he’s down on the floor but instead of punching him to death his come on to of 10 was right there could have been so much better half for the 10
Count well done sir U but yeah but Quan is dead because of how very hard Victor punches and then we get he goes like flatly goes out to the pier to look out over the sunset and ruminate about his dead fiance more yeah this is where he
Tries to give it a good cry he tries he goes for his Oscar here but like we flash back through different things he’s seen we flash back to the fiance that makes sense he flashed back through a few other things we Flash back to Maddie the singer in her little thong like that
Wasn’t a pivotal part of his life it’s just like you want to get your money’s worth for that shot my no no I remember that side boob it was important it was as important as when they lit my fiance on right yes so yes but he wakes up on the beach
Apparently he killed a man in his own bar that he owns then he walked off and passed out on a beach 15 ft away I guess that’s just like you know white man in a predominantly black country privilege right so I guess that does make sense so
But then okay then he once again he justifies his inclusion in God awful movies he storms off to the church to confess his sins after all and he says and I quote bless me Father for I have sinned and I’m about to sin again and I wrote in my notes he wrote
This whole movie around that line and then Marsh wrote like right next to that in my notes literally yes CU this was absolutely one of the fil one of the scenes that he filmed when he didn’t have a full film be like you see what this could be like and then
When no one could see what that would be like he had to do the rest of the you’re right oh God that’s so amazing so yeah so so he F he’s going to confess his sins he’s going to tell us the full story of fire fiance and here’s the big
Part that he’s been holding back the guy stering gasoline set her on fire she he showed up while she was already on fire and he had to shoot her and put her out of her misery right and that’s what he’s been carrying in in his heart ever since
Right she was on vultures of horror levels of Fire by the way in case anyone was worried about it being too gruesome no she’s on like a [Â __Â ] sfx package you get on Humble Bundle level of fire yeah she’s three and 1/2 ft away from a fire that we’re also looking through
Exactly she the she was in in real risk of dying from being just behind that fire layer in the CGI what what if the fire breaks out of the layer and comes into into the one that I’m in yeah also let me just throw this out there because
I don’t think enough people say it if someone is on fire and you shoot them that’s a good thing you did a nice thing well and that’s what the [Â __Â ] stupid ass like cuz cuz then we cut to him like running out of the confessional and the
Priest comes out and like well obviously you would do that they’re like that’s not a bad thing yeah that’s just totally yeah but yeah that was the big confessional moment then we meline runs into the church and she’s like they’ve kidnapped viven and apparently I know that for some
Reason they want you to meet them like at the big boat graveyard where the big action finale happens and he’s like oh the action finale well I must well the big finale let’s not go big action finale until right well yeah yeah no fair so so he goes down to the old boat
Graveyard for I can’t say dramatic I can’t can’t say actionpack the end of the movie Eric ammed and Farooq are there waiting for flatly now who is faroo you might say he was the guy that was beating that dude to death in the jungle orphanage for no [Â __Â ] reason
An hour and 18 minutes ago and that we’ve never seen or heard from again right so they’re standing out there they got a bunch of henches out there I I wrote my notes here I’m like do the henchmen have uniforms or do they have to coordinate right or do they I’m not
Sure guys we’re doing black on black today we already decided I I think it’s if that they buy specific clothes they get to like claim that back against the company whereas if they buy something deviating from that they don’t get to do that expl uniform but it’s de facto yeah
It’s like those Aon sweater trps where they’re like no you can get the sales tax back on the way back so yeah but so flatly shows up he’s wearing his like white jacketed tuxedo with a tie off and everything cuz again he’s just like Frank candra if you think
About it but the only reason he’s dressed like that is because he always dresses like that because like when you see this shot in the trailer you’re like oh this is exciting no that’s just like his regular wear it’s just not impressive that’s just what he wears to
The swimming pool yeah kind of lost its H power so yeah but the henchmen carry him away for a beating right they’re like he he comes in and he’s like I’m here for Vivien and they’re like where’s the thing and he’s like I’ll give it to
You when you give me Vivien and the henchman like walk him around behind one of the boats to beat him up yes and let’s just pause here and remember we watched this in the cinema we had no idea what was coming we are there in a dark Cinema it’s all very serious
They’ve walked around the corner and this is the climax of the film and now Noah let the listeners know what happened we hear Punchy sounds off screen literally we watch them take him away the camera stays still on the takway area and we hear like the sounds that you would
Expect to hear out of a dust cloud with fists and feet popping out of it right we hear that then we hear four gunshots Eric Roberts is like ah they got him and then he walks out so the big fight scene happens off camera it’s off screen we’ve
Watched an hour and a half to get here of Mich flatly not doing anything and when he does something it’s not in the film it’s the film just keep think about this we watch Michael Flatley change hats four times more often than we watch him fight a person in this spy Thriller
It’s so [Â __Â ] good he walks around he’s all beat up now but but the bad guys are even more beat up I guess and he’s cleaning his hands on like a rag or a towel yes did he bring the towel did he like oh no what I’m going to do is
I’m beat up off screen and I’m going to need to wipe my handsy hands yeah so then so they they release Vivian right he comes around they release Vivian she runs up to him he’s got to fight all the bad guys now and he he says probably the worst line ever
Written in this or any other language he says disagree oh I okay you tell me what line is worse than this quote look we’re probably never going to see each other again in this lifetime but I want you to know that it was you who gave me the
Strength and courage to come and face this today I’ll take that with me oh no that was a bad line I thought you were talking about the way he ends this scene which is the greatest line ever written by man or God soct my criticism that is a terrible
Line stupidest goddamn thing I’ve ever heard in my [Â __Â ] life yep sure is so and then Nick shows up out of [Â __Â ] nowhere Nick shows up and he’s like I will fight alongside you and they’re like yeah I was wandering around with a camera guy headbutt in a fountain how
Did Nick know to get there because he was like lying drunk in a flashback somewhere so he didn’t know this was happening and even if he went somewhere and and like the Jazz lady was like oh yeah go down the docks and stuff the bad guys didn’t secure the perimeter anyway
You could just like walk into their top secret meeting about the formula that will kill the entire planet yeah it’s fine it’s Barbados who who could Wonder there’s not that many people here who could really wander into this anyway and then we have this bizarre [Â __Â ] moment
Where Farooq walks up to Michael Flatley and he’s like look I don’t want to be part of the big action finale here can you just give me the McGuffin and I’ll leave and Michael batley’s like oh yeah yeah no you can have the McGuffin he’s
Like go I was like all right are you sure this isn’t a fake McGuffin he’s like no it’s not a fake this a totally totally real McGuffin why don’t you uh wand off yeah it’s it’s super important that I survive for the inevitable sequel so like I’m going to walk out of here
And I’ll see you in like a film or two’s time yeah yeah right right and so he wanders up and now we’ve got Eric Roberts and all henchman on one side and we’ve got Michael Flatley and Nick on the other and they’ve all got guns and
We’re like oh are we going to have a great big shootout to end this movie are we going to get one action sequence at least right here here at the very end are they at least going to dive behind a pile of something and PE peu at each
Other no nope they’re all going to just pull their [Â __Â ] guns out and all shoot at each other at once and all the bad guys are going to miss and the good guys are going to hit and the movie will be over 4 seconds later but not before Michael flatly
Says shall we dance oh you’re right yes yes I laugh so loud Anna came upstairs and was like hey you got shot what happened I was like sorry Michael flatly made a movie and then decided that the peak conclusion of it would be him being like uh he honestly might have been like
25 years of standing ovations and it would have been as funny as what they did but yeah they at eight-year-olds playing Cops and Robber unathletic 8-year-olds playing cops and robbers it there’s not even a dive roll yeah it’s Sho I definitely got you you died I got
You I got you you did die you did die yes they all just stand at Point Blank Range they shoot each other all the bad guys fall down we get this all from a [Â __Â ] overhead shot too which is amazing all the bad guys fall down that
Is the end of the action finale of this godamn spy movie it’s so good Mac the let’s hear Mac the knife again everybody one more time one more time with the lip sync so we go back to the bar to wrap things up they use the same [Â __Â ] song
I mean they don’t even give again right cuz I think this actress sang this song Maybe not live I think she’s lip syncing I think it’s her voice thought and I think she had it in her contract that she gets two full singing scenes for every standing around in her underwear
Scene I think that’s what this is so yeah so then so we we pan around Nick has a new beautiful woman hanging all over him we haven’t met her yet there’s just a new one and then we get the bad guys they’re checking the formula and wouldn’t you know it it’s
Fake and they’re very angry and then we go back to London right where good guy lady that we’ve I guess she was in the [Â __Â ] funeral scene right and we haven’t seen her since I don’t know whether she also like randomly turned up to the Barbados hotel as one of the characters or
Whether this a totally different lady because think it’s a different lady the women have got they’re all the same age similar appearance and no distinguishing characteristics cuz they’re not developed as characters because Michael FL he doesn’t see women as rounded human beings right so it’s just like yeah
There’s like a dark-haired lady and like there’s another dark-haired lady who may be the same lady I don’t care it doesn’t matter they’re not important they’ve got they’ve got boobs they’re sometimes in heels that’s all that you need to know about them there you go and then we
Check back in on flatley’s Mansion he’s wearing another jauntily tilted hat right and this is when like Vivian shows up at his house unexpectedly and she brought a suitcase and it’s lovely when women do that when they show up replace the suitcase and they haven’t told you
They’re coming no you can auction it off at the same time as your house very useful maybe she didn’t bring the suitcase maybe she came to collect she bought she bought it in the auction could have B all right well clearly he’s making us wait for the sequel for the
Big River Dance fight but hey I’ll tell you what we’re [Â __Â ] here for it Michael we are fing teasing so I guess that’s going to do it for our review of Blackbird but that’s not going to do it for the episode just yet cuz still need to loop back around
And do this again next week so Eli tell us what’s on Deck well Noah we’ll once again be jumping into the Cinematic Universe of the right family makers of such excellent films as the Bible the badge and Bigfoot but this is a true story no it’s not we’ll be watching the
Exorcism in Armarillo oh my God you give me Blackbird this week and the right family next week I’m so spoiled this has been such a good year we’re pulling out the stops this year baby 2024 it’s our year so with that to look forward to we’re going to bring episode 440 to a
Merci close once again a huge thanks to Michael Marshall for helping us out this week be sure to check the show notes for links to his other shows if you’d like more Marsh in your life and a perhaps even Huger thanks to all the patreon donors that help make the show go if
You’d like to yourself among their R for episode donation at patreon.com offline thereby earn Early Access to an adree version of every episode you can also help a ton by leaving a f star review and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms if you
Enjoyed the show be sure to check out our sibling shows the scaling a citation need D and minus in the skard available wherever podcast live if you have questions comments or CTIC suggestions you God movies at gmail.com Tim Roberson takes care of our social media our theme
Song is written performed by Ryan dra on Mars all the other music was written performed by our a engineer Morgan clar and wasu was permission thanks again for giving us a TR of your life this week for he right NE B NOS promise to work hard to earn another TR next week until
Then we’ll leave you with a Breakfast Club close Michael Flatley went on to win a Nobel Prize in physics for his pioneering work in hat angular jauntiness well it’s actually it was a nobble prize it’s one they started himself meline went on to regain her dignity doing some porn or something
Blackbird 2 took place entirely off camera however the Irish government is still paying for It I got to go down a delightful Rabbit Hole of the things that are technically war crimes for this uh you a good one that’s great you say RIT hole you mean white bold excessive celebration is one excessive celebration of after a war like you can’t do a big like we got it’s
Not after a touchdown you can really do whatever you want really there and it’s never there’s no point where that elevates to war crime it’s just like the hages football team got really pissy one year look we’re Ador Denard we lost we lost the Dutch C you guys were real jokes about
It just like the Nazi the preceding podcast was a production of puzzle in a thunderstorm LLC copyright 2024 All rights reserved
12 Comments
First
I prefer irony over evidence, so I AM FIRST!
So will bolognese! 😂😂
I haven't thought of Michael Flatley in 20 years, so the fucking journey I just went on going from "huh, this week's crazy has the same name as the Irish dancer" to "wait that guy made a movie?" to "wait it's an action movie??" to "WAIT HE'S THE STAR??"
Thank you for what you do. I make a living by being on the radio, so about the last thing I want to do is listen to someone else, but you guys are so much fun that I just can't resist.
Scathing Atheist, GAM, and Citation Needed are outright weekly highlights to me, as well as The Skepticrat ever other week.
Keep up the good work, and much love from Florida.
The Chieftains are probably the best known and loved Irish folk group — they've been around in various permutations since the 1960s. Michael Flatley saying he wanted to join is like saying he wants to join the Rolling Stones.
Michael Flatley is in the British papers today! The hat is still at a 50/50 jaunty/rakish angle as he announces his 6-part biopic 'Dancelord' ('a Rocky-style epic sweep that goes beyond mere rock stardom')!
Heath’s on my country? Damn, I had no idea. Hope he enjoys Portugal.
Prohibemus Malos Non Ducere
(Latin for "We stop bad people, not marry them")
Prohibemus Malos Non Ducere
(Latin for "We stop bad people, not marry them")
Greetings from Portugal . I haven't see Heath here, though.
Yay! Always fun to have Marsh on the show, despite his insensitivity… 😂