Stick your feet up while watching 60 minutes worth of Jimmy’s funniest moments!
– Welcome to Jimmy Carr’s official YouTube channel, where you can find all the best bits from his stand-up comedy shows, TV appearances, podcasts, and more!
Check out my latest tour info here: https://www.jimmycarr.com/
Subscribe to this channel and turn on notifications to get notified whenever Jimmy uploads a new video. You won’t regret it, unless you’re easily offended.
Subscribe now: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCf9BO33b-MnIxB5y0azrxmg/?sub_confirmation=1
#JimmyCarr #Comedy
Any other ultimate sexual fancies a Viking helmet a Viking helmet what have you got two Vaginas good lovely any other ultimate sexual FES school girl school girl and then you’ve pointed at your man yeah I think we’ve got a we’ve got a special term for a school girl fantasy now we call it pedo sorry sir do you like what do you like school school girl teacher school girl
Though really yeah know cuz the specialist term for the school girl un yeah it’s a you are a pedo it’s no it’s good look at the positive you get to be on a list that’s nice that’s nice everyone in the neighborhood knows where you live that’s convenient isn’t it do you make her
Dress up as a school girl she’s done it she’s done it have her washed and brought to my room I’m joking don’t wash her well ladies and gentlemen this is what I do for a living I think of little jokes in my head and then I tell them to you so that
You’ll like me sounds a bit tragic when I say what was that it’s not working well you can [Â __Â ] off where are you it’s not working man give us a wave what did you do sir telecoms you you do telecoms what do you do do you do I do you I do you
Telephone what sorry build Network you build Network ironically you work in Communications and can hardly can hardly string a [Â __Â ] sentence together what sorry I’ve I’ve got a big nose I literally don’t have a big nose that’s a weird that’s like an insult you’ve heard someone else use you gone I
Got a big [Â __Â ] laugh that’s going to work best with a comic with a big nose what’s your name Sir Thomas what do you do Thomas you’re a student what are you studying mathematics are you at school Thomas I don’t know if we should continue this any further because it’s starting to
Feel like grooming are you at school yeah I’m at school you got a NOS I haven’t any other heckles P oh what was that that sounded good go on what was that what was it I’m a pedophile I was just [Â __Â ] chatting to him I’ve done nothing who’s come the furthest do
Anyone come from like a long way away overseas canvi Island right now I know canvi Island so I happen to know that you’ve not come a long way from your home You’ just brought it with you did you come with him no good Cy island is the furthest anyone came we’ll [Â __Â ]
You you were all in the area anyway were you what’s that was that do but you were castrated before you got a chance to right were you worried about sounding silly so you thought well I’ll put on a ludicrous high-pitch voice that should sort things out shouldn’t it so you’re a sailor are
You imagine my surprise that you’re high pitch voice what’s your name what what sorry Toby Toby Toby do you mind me sh sharing with the group thank you very much indeed Toby that makes it much easier cuz there’s a Heckle it’s quite a good Heckle quite a
Funny Heckle but we have to do a Heckle put down now God I would love if I could just let it go but I can’t There are rules but you don’t mind me sharing with a group so it makes it much easier we can go old school stoping what sorry stoping stop
Stalling Don’t Panic sir I’ve got this I’ll have to put you on [Â __Â ] [Applause] waitting Toby’s mom is so fat she’s a [Â __Â ] disgrace Toby your mom is such a chunky monkey wobble slob faty boombat blubber knut she’s so [Â __Â ] fat when she fell down the stairs I thought his senders had finished
Boom boom true story you sir what did you say what was it stop stalling yeah what’s your name Gary are you trying to say Gary what me Gary the [Â __Â ] is that well Gary if you want my comeback you’ll have to scrape it off your mom’s teeth Dave and Susan they’ve been going
Out for years and years and years 10 years since College Susan went home for the weekend to see her parents they had Sunday lunch together they got a little bit tipsy over over lunch nothing them matter without you would think lovely all the way up to Hull to see them got
Drunk over Sunday lunch somehow the topic of wife swapping came up and her parents for a joke said oh we were terrible for that back in the 70s oh keys in a bowl at a party oh terrible oh always doing it we don’t know who your real dad
Is they said that to their daughter now she was fine at the time cuz she was drunk at her lunch but then on the train ride home she starts to feel a bit grimy and hor and H and eventually she works herself up into a real State she thinks well maybe
It was a joke on me maybe they were joking but I was the butt of the joke maybe they did do that in the 70s maybe he’s not my real dad oh God oh God she got into Dave and of course what Dave should have done he taken her his strong
Loving Arms hey it’s just a silly joke I’ll pop the cat on I’ll make you cup a tea I’ll run you a bath that is what you should should have done that’s not what he did that’s not what he said what he said without skipping a beat I’ve killed an African
Child but what he said without skipping a beat straight away uh who got your [Applause] mom there’s a thin line between neighborhood watch and becoming a vigilante and it’s a line you cross when you buy a cape do you know there’s now a warning on superhero costumes if you buy a
Superhero costume it says on it this costume does not give you special powers or indeed the right to see your Children kids say the funniest things please don’t hurt mommy she’s already did are there any moms in by shouting out who’s a mom proper ones not just ones that done it to get a flat I’m kidding we all love moms you know moms are great they’re the great
Unsung heroes of our society they do so much for so little what do moms ever get all they ever get is you know not even a thank you just Mother’s Day Mother’s Day is rubbish isn’t it it’s like a Toblerone from the garage or some fler was from a lamp Post what I think it’s all right to give your mom flowers you’ve taken from a lamp post where there’s been an accident cuz if you think about it you wouldn’t do that if she’d brought you up a little bit better it’s her fault of course one of the major
Supermarkets is trying to redress the balance yeah there’s just Mother’s Day for moms but they’ve decided to have a mom of the Year competition mom of the year to sort of you know just reward ordinary everyday moms acknowledge you know all the good work moms do the only
Thing I would question about their charitable Endeavor is the massive banners they put outside every one of their superstor saying enter your mom Today I mean fair enough if she’s up for that she deserves something might I suggest a call from Social Services sugary tea was my mom’s cure for everything her like elixier of life if you had any kind of problem emotional physical Financial it wouldn’t matter
She would say come in I’ll make you a nice sweet cup of tea which was fine until we found out my brother was diabetic what sorry Posh prick Posh prick seems a bit harsh what’s uh what’s your name sir miles miles miles and you think I might be a bit
Posh all right miles what’s your favorite color blue seems like the fairest way to deal with this you b l u e number between 1 and 8 Miles four four oh says if you’ve come as a [Â __Â ] You’ve Won did a good news I’ve read an article recently about
British Men’s Ultimate sexual fantasy and it surprised me the result of it surprised me it was a proper survey they asked 3,000 men their opinion I’d like to do a little straw poll in here this evening because the results of this I was shocked ultimate sexual fantasies
Has anyone got one they wouldn’t mind admitting to Jessica Albert Jessica Albert it’s a specific person that you that you would like to Bone well I happen to know Jessica Albert does an awful lot of work for charity maybe my crisps tasted rubbish oh oh no you did oh no you did
AR I became Latino there for a second no you’re there yeah I did I had crisps did you see I had crisps Jimmy con Cary crisps the good people are walkers for comic relief they brought out a flavor of my crisps and it was me and alar and Frank
Skinner and Steven fry and then they made these crisps and every packet they sold they gave five pence to the starving people in Africa and I said to them why don’t you just send them the [Â __Â ] crisps it’s got to make more sense hasn’t it cuz they can’t be as fussy about the
Flavors if you’re starving you’re fine aren’t you well these are a bit no fair enough I love swearing I’ve always qu you’re right sorry what was that I missed a bit of chat hi sorry it’s not the Telly if you talk I can hear now you’re looking pissed off you’re
Thinking I didn’t press the red button it’s got all interactive what what were you saying go on say thought about snake dream you thought you you just said I thought you were talking about snake bite the drink yeah what what happened was okay in a joke a joke is like two
Stories yeah and the first story makes you make an assumption about something so the Assumption people made about snake bite in in that joke was that it was a snake biting you but that’s the setup of the joke so you made the Assumption he’s talking about a
Snake bite a snake biting someone in the second part of the joke often known as the punch line what you’ll what you’ll find is that rug will be will be whipped from under you and you’ll realize that the Assumption you made was erroneous suddenly revealing a fact that
Was previously concealed is is the nature of all one lighter bam so in essence I was talking about both snake bites the thing that happens when a snake bites you and also the drink no problem at all it’s lovely to help it’s actually it’s not nice to have
You here this evening cuz I think one of the charity gigs I did help pay for the mini bus that brought you here so nice to see that money wasn’t wasted oh bless a little H what are you making of the rest of the show are you just enjoying the spangly things
Come on in sit down what’s your name Madam Alexa Alexa and what is it some sort of cystitis what’s the matter what do you do for a living Alexa um lots of things you do lots of things yes I think I’ve seen a card advertising your
Services are you new in town go on to don’t let me guess so I’m an aspiring presenter you’re an aspiring presenter yeah oo well I’ll say to you what I say to all aspiring presenters that I meet I’ll have an Americano [Applause] please who the [Â __Â ] has a side
Parting you’re going to kick yourself when I tell you me yeah go on want is it right your girlfriend wanted you to watch her PE she likes you watching her pee to some so sorry the question I get asked at every show it’s weird that you would ask that
So because she likes a lot of people to watch your pee um is that your thing you like people to watch you pee no well clearly yes he didn’t say that for no reason did he do you remember earlier when you said he was a fedo for making you dress up as
A school girl I think it might be payback time but surely you could just dress her as a school girl and have a do a we on you that’s fine that plays into your whole pedo fantasy everyone’s happy apart from anyone with any sort of sense of taste
And decency they were frankly horrified by you too what’s your name sir Sam Sam Hi Sam what sorry southwell yeah definitely I need a surname for this I’m not in charge of the register don’t worry about that so and what is it about being watched P that you enjoy well just tell
Us we’re all interested to know well you do so it’s not like that what is it like give her a glass of water we’ll all find out I just think if you miss someone you should feel comfortable enough to do anything in front of him yeah I’m I’m all for that Madam yes once you’ve you know once you’ve been with someone there’s a level of intimacy that suggests that you would be able to pee
In front of them or or maybe [Â __Â ] on their chest but some people aren’t like us baby some people don’t think in the way they’re closed minded they’ve got a sense of I don’t know appropriate occasion it’s all right we’re not taping this for oh no we are lovely golden
Showers any other thoughts what car do I drive I don’t actually drive a car sir I roll in one [Â __Â ] yeah with the [Â __Â ] in the back [Applause] yeah you any other questions thoughts what’s your favorite type of cheese what’s my favorite type of cheese knob where’s the best place you
Performed the best place I’ve performed I’d have to say in your girlfriend it’s the law it’s the law I have to I why is the worst gift you’ve ever got birthday anniversary Christmas Valentine’s what is the worst piece of [Â __Â ] you ever got we’ve had a hair call go what what
Was that say a little bit louder tickets to this show no every what’s fine what’s your name to what what sorry Toby Toby Toby do you mind me sharing with the group thank you very much indeed Toby that makes it much easier cuz there’s a Heckle quite a good Heckle quite a funny
Heckle but we have to do a Heckle put down now God I would love if I could just let it go but I can’t There are rules but you don’t mind me sharing with a group so it makes it much easier we can go old school stoping what sorry stop stalling stop
Stalling Don’t Panic sir I’ve got this I’ll have to put you on [Â __Â ] [Applause] waiting Toby’s mom is so f she’s a [Â __Â ] disgrace Toby your mom is such a chunky monkey wobble slob faty boombat blubber nut she’s so [Â __Â ] fat when she fell down the stairs I thought EastEnders had
Finished boom boom boom boom boom true story you sir what did you say what was it stop stalling yeah what’s your name Gary are you trying to say Gary what me Gary the [Â __Â ] is that well Gary if you want my comeback you’ll have to scrape it off your mom’s teeth [Applause]
We should probably do a little Heckle amnesty I quite like it when people join in and heck you know the rules of heckling right you can join in nothing no no physical uh contact you can only use your mouth just like your mom when she’s having a flare up any heckles anyone
Can’t what you done to your hair what have I done to my hair I’ve redistributed Ed I had too much hair on the back of my head and not enough up here the glare would have taken your [Â __Â ] eyes out so it’s for you that I’ve done this I
Think I’ve gone from having Lego hair to having Playmobile man hair they say you can’t polish a turd but you can roll it in glitter can’t you I say you can joke about anything but not with anyone I think with you good people this evening I should be fine right
Well let’s see shall we we’ll put that to the test having sex is like riding a bike my uncle taught me when I was a kid I met a girl in the audience recently with a weird job so I was chatting away to people in the audience
And this this girl said what’ you do she said I’ll work in marketing I went well what exactly she went I’m head of marketing for a prosthetic limbs company now I’d never met an arms dealer before I could do a brilliant Michael Jackson impersonation would you like to see
It okay I just need a young volunteer that can keep a secret come on up yeah what are you get up for but wait a second this is a teachable moment if a grown man beckons you forth as he undoes his flies this is some stranger danger
Son what’s your name Mikey Mikey that let’s hear it from Mikey everyone that that because you know why that is commitment to a night out at a comedy show there’s a young man that’s just thought to himself oh it’s the bit of the show where I suck his [Â __Â ]
Great I was at a doctor’s about two years ago now he said I’m going to need a sperm sample I said no problem at all he said would you like help from an attractive Russian nurse I went yeah sending the attractive Russian nurse this gorgeous could have been a
Model Russian nurse walked in called Vlad big bloke he got me so Vlad walks in and goes would you like to masturbate in the cup I said I’m good but I’m not ready for competition yet and then Vlad takes me off to they’ve got a room set up in the
Doctor’s office specifically for the purpose of collecting sperm samples I don’t know what they call the room the the wank bank or no be something medical something Latin sounding I don’t know the uh the masturbatorium it’s not half bad is it masturbatorium sounds like something from Harry Potter that’s the masturbatorium Harry
For the expell Arash so sorry I got you again there so they’ve got everything you need for the matter in hand quite literally in this room they’ve got a lock on the door that’s important they’ve got a seat they’ve got a bench they got a li they
Got a sink and they give you when you’re giving a sperm sample in a doctor’s office they give you porn hardcore porn quite a lot of R stuff not really to my taste but whatever I’ll work with it I’m a trooper so I’m in there and I’m doing
What a man needs to do to produce a sperm sample and I’m just about to complete the mission I’m on what’s referred to as the vinegar bres when I notice out the corner of my eye there’s another drawer with porn for straight men piles get a bad
Rap but if it wasn’t for pedophiles I wouldn’t be able to light a fire put up a tent or keep a secret I’m going to talk about racism now and this is a straight white man talking so pay attention people say the best things in life are free but those people have
Clearly never had sex don’t fit you your suit don’t fit you well who does it [Â __Â ] fit I mean well so he bought it from a kid shop I don’t know how to explain this to you I’m not that small I’m just far away
As a kid for five years I was in the church choir now I can’t sing that well but boy can I suck a [Â __Â ] my friend said to me what rhymes with orange I said no it doesn’t when you’re young pedophiles are something to laugh at the local creep
But then you grow up and you have your own kids with their own unique personalities and quirks and difficulties and it suddenly hits you what the [Â __Â ] do these pedos see in these little [Applause] shits is anyone here in a controlling relationship raise your partner’s hand scientists say the largest sexual
Organ in the body is actually the mind but that’s only because those scientists haven’t seen Charlie’s mom’s Fanny I’d like to take a moment to thank Charlie’s mom for letting us use it this evening It’s a Wonderful space no I know go on very well with
Your mom I never forget what your mom said to me let go of my ears I know what I’m doing I’m not being disrespectful I they gone very well with his mom I made his mom come I remember clearly because she dropped her chips Progressive types say that we
Shouldn’t use gendered sexual swear words but those words are so expressive we can’t lose those words from our language just because some Pricks are total [Â __Â ] I want to Fanny about being dicks cuz they can’t hear the word Co without crying like a [Â __Â ] the silly
[Â __Â ] I don’t trouble for a joke last year now I don’t mind getting in trouble for a joke if it’s worth it if it’s like a really edgy joke I got in trouble for a joke that’s so mild I said uh I said deafness is getting to be quite a
Problem for me and I never thought i’ hear myself say that we got like 50 letters of complaint from the National Association of the de and what I want to know is who told them I like it when the girl puts the condom on for you but I was asked to leave the
Pharmacy my girlfriend doesn’t think that her sister is trustworthy but believe me that girl can keep a [Applause] secret well if you’re fat and you’re offended be the bigger person everyone loved Michael Jackson in the80s right he was the coolest guy in the world coolest guy in the world Baran
And really the high point of that cool was the moonwalk at the Grammys remember that people lost their minds at how cool it was and really the moonwalk was no more than it was that I know I’m not nailing this but that was that was the gist of it right
That was the that was the coolest [Â __Â ] we’d ever [Â __Â ] seen of course we didn’t realize at the time it had been developed for sneaking in and out of children’s bedrooms we had no idea it’s so obvious now now I’ve never [Â __Â ] a kid I nearly did just then didn’t
I but I’ve never [Â __Â ] a kid but if I did [Â __Â ] a kid I think I know how I’d leave the room dwarfism is a growing problem now you might think this is silly but I assure you it’s absolutely true when Zayn left one direction for me it was like
911 yeah I didn’t care about that either [Applause] well there’s a real generational defi there I could see some people are looking at me like 9/11 steady on and other people are looking at me like One Direction don’t take their name in [Applause] vain I was actually supposed to be on
One of the planes on 9/11 but the more interesting story is how I met a Sarma I find most young women make a lot of noise in the bedroom I guess they’re not expecting to see anyone at their window but for the little girls it’s more difficult so when I was growing up
The girls would call their um their Sunday face they would call it their Fine China because the rhyming slang where I’m from Fine China vagina I think it’s quite a nice term for a young lady was fine until my father came home from work one day and said the boss is coming to
Dinner everyone on your best behavior and then turned to my mom and went you better get your fine china out someone wants that promotion I think it’s quite a nice term for a young lady Fine China you only get your fine china out on a special occasion what’s a fine China Light it’s
All right it’s got a little crack in it would you like cream in your Fine China or would you rather in your mug I’m terribly sorry darling I seem to have smashed your mother’s Fine China look like a puppet without the string I look like a puppet without the
String Charlie you chip in quite a lot don’t you and sleep Bill Cosby taught me that he’s not going to like what happens next we’re drinking my friends in The Last Chance Saloon what I’m saying on stage tonight is barely acceptable now in 10 years time [Â __Â ] forget
About it you’re going to be able to tell your grandchildren about seeing this show yeah you’ll say I saw a man and he stood on stage and he made light of serious situations we used to call them jokes and people would laugh and your grandchildren will ask they’ll say non-binary Elder non-binary
Elder what’s a joke and you’ll say you are my girlfriend shouts daddy in the bedroom which I think is a bit rude daddy cuz I mean there’s three of us here not just you and your dad I’ve been described London as a sex symbol and that symbol is a question
Mark followed by a no everyone is shaving their [Â __Â ] mainly women everyone is shaving their [Â __Â ] and hipsters the hipsters these days have beards so Society has the same amount of hair just on different [Â __Â ] do you remember the incident in the ’90s with Michael Jackson
Where he was on tour in Germany he had the toll top floor of a hotel and and he had the baby and he held the baby over the balcony and he shook the baby crazy you can’t get come off a baby like [Applause] that somewhat ironically that has really
Separated the men from the boys doesn’t it Hotel sex is better than sex at home isn’t it you make noise you can make mess your wife’s not there better I don’t like it when people tell me their kid is adopted what difference does it make it’s your kid whether it’s
Biologically yours or a rescue I want one direction to do a BTS covers Medley at my funeral because that way I’ll be glad I’m dead my father died really what was it The Big C cancer no he drowned talking to a North African girl in her native language for hours we just
Clicked [Â __Â ] anthropology jokes I’ve got it all my girlfriend sometimes calls it her Fufu which I think is a bit juvenile I’ll be honest with you it makes Mr dingle dangle not want to do to Humpty Hump I used to date this incredible looking woman just beautiful I mean
We’re still together but she’s go there an ugly woman at the back going [Applause] boo what sorry rude rude so sorry when I said there’s an ugly woman in the back you went he’s talking to me yeah yeah yeah rude I mean self-esteem there’s nothing I can do about your
Self-esteem why they call it self-esteem what’s what’s your name Madam Kelly Kelly I’m going to go soft on you like every man that’s ever seen you naked no I’m just saying Kelly you’re what dimer switches were inventing for I’m you ever wonder why there’s always a dimer switch in a in a bedroom
That some young women drink so much they black out and can’t remember what happened the night before if that’s you don’t worry love I made a video have any of you seen my Impressions have you seen any of my Impressions before I don’t do many I do
I do a few um I I’ll do one for you now um are there any um are there any lesbians in does anyone enjoy smashing pasties are there any lesbians there must be some lesbians surely what is there a PO tornament on where are the lesbians you up there
Somewhere oh there there’s some lesbians up there lesbians over here hello girls how are you you’re all right very nice to have you in the impression that I do that it’s more a piece of physical theater than an impression per se but it’s the um hang on the cameraman’s coming to get the
Lesbians it’s it’s it’s more a piece of physical theater than an impression but it’s actually it’s it’s the breakup of a same-sex relationship between two women and I think it captures the emotional turmoil and the anguish When Love breaks down when you still love that person but
You’re no longer in love with that person and you’ve got to go your separate ways would you like me to perform it for you now okay just give me just give me a second what did you think was going to happen I feel Duty bound now what’s your name Madam sh
What sh sh shal okay fine shiral we go and who who you with who’s who’s the other half Rosie Rosie hi I feel Duty bound to ask you the question I’ve asked every lesbian I’ve ever met what would it take to get you back on Solids oh I got a BBE yes I’m two bardi breezes away come on yeah go on once is it right that your girlfriend wants you to watch her pee she likes you watching her pee some watch so sorry the question I get asked at every show it’s weird that you would ask that
So because she likes a lot of people to watch your pee um is that your thing you like people to watch you pee well clearly yes he didn’t say that for no reason did he do you remember earlier when you said he was a pedo for making you dress up as
A school girl I think it might be payback time but surely you could just dress her as a school girl and have a do a we on you that’s fine that plays into your whole pedo fantasy everyone’s happy apart from anyone with any sort of sense of taste
And decency they’re frankly horrified by you too what’s your name sir Sam Sam Hi Sam what sorry southwell southwell yeah definitely I need a surname for this I’m not in charge of the register don’t worry about that so why what is it about being watched pee that you enjoy well just tell us
We’re all interested to know well you do so it’s not like that what is it like give a glass of water we’ll all find Out I just think if you with someone you should feel comfortable enough to do anything in front of them yeah I’m I’m a I’m all for that Madam yes once youve you know once you’ve been with someone there’s a level of intimacy that suggests that you would be able to pee
In front of them or or maybe [Â __Â ] on their chest but some people aren’t like us baby some people don’t think in the way they’re closed minded they’ve got a a sense of I don’t know appropriate occasion it’s all right we’re not taping this oh no we are lovely golden
Showers any other thoughts what car you drive what car do I drive I don’t actually drive a car sir I roll in one [Â __Â ] yeah with the [Â __Â ] in the back yeah you any other questions thoughts what’s your favorite type of cheese what’s my favorite type of cheese
Knob where’s the best place you performed the best place I’ve performed I’d have to say in your girlfriend it’s the law it’s the law I have to Dave and Susan they’ve been going out for years and years and years 10 years since College Susan went home for the
Weekend to see her parents they had Sunday lunch together they got a little bit tipsy over lunch nothing to matter without you would think lovely all the way up to Hull to see got drunk over Sunday lunch somehow the topic of wife swapping came up and her parents for a
Joke said oh we were terrible for that back in the ‘ 70s oh keys in a bowl at a party oh terrible oh always doing it we don’t know who your real dad is they said that to their daughter now she was fine at the time
Cuz she was drunk at her lunch but then on the train ride home she starts to feel a bit grimy and horrible and oh huh and eventually she works herself up into a real State she thinks well maybe it was a joke on me maybe they were
Joking but I was the butt of the joke maybe they did do that in the 70s maybe he’s not my real dad oh God oh God she got into Dave and of course what Dave should have done is taken her his strong Loving Arms hey it’s just a silly joke
I’ll pop the kettle on I’ll make you a cup of tea I’ll run you a bath that is what he should have done that’s not what he did that’s not what he said what he said without skipping a beat I’ve killed an African child but what he said without skipping
A beat straight away uh who got your [Applause] mom your hair what I’m just saying I’m just I like the Spice Girls as much as the next man but it’s a no it’s I can’t help noticing you’ve got a tattoo on your well it’s your boob isn’t it really
It’s sort of draws the eye what is that exactly it’s a rose on your as if boobs aren’t fun enough as they are she’s thought I’ll tell you I’ll brighten these things up no fellas going to like these what do guys like they like flowers don’t they
Yeah I’ll get a picture of a flower any other sorry sir could you just repeat what you said there she’s on the blob how nicely put sir I think I think a lesser man might have said menstration or her time of the month or maybe period even Arenal playing at home
Or she has the Red Devil in her belly up on bricks but you went with a the much more Gentile H the blob blob and I think in all seriousness if a woman says like I can’t have sex I’ve got my period I would say well your ass isn’t bleeding is it yet
Yet give me a moment to work my magic domestic violence there’s a topic for you it happens people don’t like talking about it but it happens in all our communities yeah something needs to be done there’s a lot of Charities dealing with the aftermath very few doing anything preventative I’d like to
Start a Jimmy car halfway house a place where women can go and be safe and secure and be re-educated about cooking and cleaning and putting out doesn’t need to happen there’s nothing sad in the seeing a woman with two black eyes she’s been told twice she just doesn’t understand you’re looking slightly
Disapproving there Madam you’re right I like the fact that you two look incredibly rock and roll in a sea of middle class what a wonderful thing what what do you do you in a band or something me yeah called cyber what cyber dog cyber dog where’ you think I got
This hey it’s rubber on the inside you might have a funky underpinning I might have a funky underpinning I don’t know what a funky underpinning is that’s how unfunky I am were you expecting more thrash metal at this gig yes I’m sorry to disappoint 99% of women kiss with their
Eyes closed which is why it’s so difficult to identify a rapist when I was at school a girl called Alice wanked off a dog for three cigarettes I know what you’re thinking how did a dog get cigarettes I once I once I text with an Australian girl she she said midus whilst
[Â __Â ] she said have you slimed yet have you slimed yet I thought it’s not [Â __Â ] Ghostbusters I fantasize about having sex with the gymnast not just because they’re really bendy and flexible and you could do loads of extraordinary positions but also because I imagine they do a brilliant
Dismount they end up by the side of the bed like that and if they bend their knees even just a little bit you can make them do it again well I’ll tell you why I’ve asked you all to come this evening ladies and gentlemen I’d like to talk to you about
Men that like obese women I’m not talking about men that like women with a full of figure that seems entirely normal natural and right more cushion for the pushing as I believe people say I think that’s the expression no I’m talking about men that like women who are can’t leave the house
Fat so I’m not talking about anyone in here this evening unless in order to get out someone had to cut the side of the house off and there was some sort of winch involved I’m not talking about people with water retention I’m talking about people with cake retention people that tell you they’ve
Got a thyroid problem you say oh really a thyroid problem what are you taking for that [Applause] pies you know the kind of girl that looks as if she makes a cracking breakfast but wouldn’t want to share it with you I saw a thing on TV the other day
Actually it was on one of these kind of makeover shows that were on during the day they did a makeover on a girl she was 34 Stone it’s like rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic I say a makeover they gave her a fringe is that really going to turn the
Corner for a girl like that that’s what I’m asking I don’t think it will I can’t imagine the scenario where a guy you know he’s drinking in a bar he looks across he sees a girl she’s 34 Stone be tough to miss her let’s face it
He thinks to himself she’s a little bit big for me goes back to his drink meanwhile the makeover teamer in snip snip snip he looks back he thinks actually I would it’s the excuses that get me the excuses are amazing the camera adds £10 stop eating [ __ ]
Cameras now for better for worse this is the question question I use to judge an audience to judge individuals if you could all answer that would be great would you [Â __Â ] your dad to save your mom go on what was the question what would you rather do suck off your dad or
Out your M Wow yes I think if I’m not mistaken that’s one of victon Stein’s theorems um off his you’d suck off his mom he’s done you he has done you I I I’m not from Perth so I may never have to make that decision [Â __Â ] hell you sound like you come from a very broken
Home I’m not suggesting you [Â __Â ] your mom but only because you wouldn’t want to two time your sister sir what’s your name Toby what what’s sorry Toby Toby Toby do you mind me sharing with the group thank you very much indeed Toby that makes it much easier because there’s a Heckle it’s
Quite a good Heckle quite a funny Heckle but we have to do a Heckle put down now God I would love if I could just let it go but I can’t There are rules but you don’t mind me sharing with a group so it makes it much easier we can go old
School what sorry stop stalling stop stalling Don’t Panic sir I’ve got this I’ll have to put you on [Â __Â ] [Applause] waiting Toby’s mom is so fat she’s a [Â __Â ] disgrace Toby your mom is such a chunky monkey wobble slob fatty boom BTY blubber nut she’s so [Â __Â ] fat when she fell down the
Stairs I thought e tenders had finished boom true story you sir what did you say what was it stop stalling yeah what what’s your name Gary are you trying to say Gary what me Gary the [Â __Â ] is that well Gary if you want my comeback you’ll have to scrape it off your mom’s
Teeth women say they want their ideal man to be the outdoors type the kind of man that enjoys long walks in the countryside and women say they want their ideal man to be the kind of man that’ll take control the kind of man that’s not afraid to take a few risks
Basically what you’re saying ladies is your ideal man is a rapist and it’s true if you’re a rapist you’ve got pretty much a pick a women it’s funny cuz it’s true my point there’s an incredible amount of pressure on women these days to be beautiful and thin and all I can
Say is we’ve got some very brave girls in here this evening really terrific stuff so there are some stunning looking women in here this evening and some right dogs you know who you are I’m joking no one in here is stunning sorry I’m not sounding very
Charitable I do do my bit you know I’ve created a foundation for battered women it’s really thick to hide the bruising it’s weird domestic abuse is still a real sort of taboo subject isn’t it people don’t like talking about domestic abuse and ironically that makes the problem much worse because the
Charities that deal with domestic abuse their problem is a problem of communication because the women that they’re trying to reach out and communicate with the battered wives are the very women that won’t shut up and listen tragically this is the only language they understand I don’t know what that
Is that’s like the lion from The Wizard of hor I wouldn’t last a [Â __Â ] day in this city would I uh when I did used to work for a living I was always very jealous of the women that I worked with because women have the best issues for a day off sick I
Love a day off sick marvelous do they very nice and comy M and women have the best excuse the best excuse as we all know is women’s problems and the reason women’s problems is the best excuse is because women’s problems is the end of a conversation why didn’t you come in yesterday women’s
Problems I like to think if I was the boss things would be slightly different women’s problems tit or Fanny which is it maybe I could have look did you know women reached their sexual peak after 35 years Yes Men reach theirs after about 4 minutes which is why we get more
Done my girlfriend said to me have you been having sex behind my back I said who the [Â __Â ] hell do you think it was and another thing it wouldn’t kill you to turn around once in a while check how I’m doing I’m 10 years into a relationship
Now anyone beat that anyone longer than 10 years what’s the longest we got in the room 13 13 26 26 anyone more than 26 28 more than 28 how how long sorry you you’ve been you’ve been together for 43 years I think come on 43 years
Now I obviously I don’t know what it’s like after 43 years I think that’s an extraordinary commitment especially in this day and age that is quite something but I don’t know if it’s the same for you cuz I’ve only been together with my girl for 10 years but things have got
Quite predictable in the bedroom now when I lower my entire ball bag into her mouth she is pretty much guaranteed to wake up same oh you couldn’t see that he just went yeah same you look worried on their behalf they’ve be married 43 years don’t panic they’ve tried everything what’s your relationship with
Them what how do you know them that’s your mom and dad oh that’s nice well I hope the image of your dad teabagging your mom hasn’t I hope I for one I don’t know about looking your parents in the eyes again I don’t think you’ll be able to drink tea
Hi okay finally I need something you find in a kitchen a woman not 1974 the kitchen a woman she’ll have my tea on your mom who said your mom how old are you your mom mom’s in the kitchen she make your tea and toast if you’re nice mom your
Mom that’s what we’re going for there okay right so we’ve got Henry VII Australian accent mind reading he’s a creationist your mom should we leave it there genuinely that is all the Improv I do that’s my favorite bit the bit where people shout out suggestions the actual
Play bit at the end I always think is a bit [Â __Â ] I’m always suspicious they might just be making that up you actually look disappointed as an audience now you’re like Oh I thought it was going to be really good the Aussie Henry VII and his
Mom oh yeah do you want to get married I can read your [Â __Â ] mind how shit’s that forgot your mom what sorry forgot your mom I forgot your mom all right there’s Henry the E [Â __Â ] your you happy now that’s your mom you happy can we miss out your mom
Is she getting [Â __Â ] by the king oh yeah all right Sheila yeah take it you [Â __Â ] yeah I know you like it I can read your [Â __Â ] mind you happy now now let’s talk about faith and spirituality an important part of our psyches I’m sure you will agree Christians say and
They may be Christians in this evening Christians say Jesus died for your sins be good I say he’s already dead [Â __Â ] it what’s he going to do get dead or fill your [Â __Â ] boots mate also if he died for your sins and you don’t do any sins you’ve made him look a right
Cun I used to be quite religious and I’m fascinated by lots of religious groups there’s um there some brilliant ones there’s the um the people that wear the armbands wwjd stands for what would Jesus do and Christians wear them to remind them to be more like Christ in everyday life
They sort of see that and oh what would Jesus do in this situation for the most part they’re very effective they make people so annoying you want to nail them to a cross M my absolute favorite Christian organization of all time it’s called Christians against Teenage pregnancies that’s that’s the Everest of
Hypocrisy isn’t it if Jesus taught us nothing else he taught us that The Unwanted babies of teenage moms can turn out all right you look as if you didn’t quite understand that do you know who the protagonist is it’s Jesus born at Christmas or Easter you must have heard
Of him King of the Jews best je ever he could walk on water well he probably couldn’t walk on water his mom probably just exaggerated he probably very good on ice skates he died for your sins come got another religious one now but for a reason this is the best selling
T-shirt ever in the world Jesus loves you it’s the most popular t-shirt ever Jesus loves you he’s not in love with you I was going to go for he’s not fussy about looks I thought no incidentally if we were all God’s children what’s so special about Jesus
Gentlemen if you have never tried to fate yourself suck yourself off so I was saying what it meant I wasn’t saying suck yourself off I that wasn’t an order gentlemen if you’ve never tried to fate yourself raise your hand now that’s my favorite bit of the show it’s the couples that have clearly
Been together for a while that I best it’s it’s the woman initially going he said put your hand up he never listens and then the slow look of realization you’re optimistic you can’t even touch your [Â __Â ] toes quite a few of you down there have
Got your hands up you guys did you all ever go on each others did you the way sorry you guys that I presume you’re someone’s dad and then the kids there is that that yeah okay so you’ve got dad and then kid kid kid kid kid kid kid and it went basically dad
Put his hand up and then sun went yeah and then the next one went yeah and then the next one went yeah I’ve definitely never done that down the line it was like a domino effect but with horrible lies that make the baby Jesus cry even the little baby Jesus tried to
Suck his own car come on can you say that yeah sure you can why not it would be remiss of me ladies and gentlemen not to talk to you all about the environment because that is the big issue which has upset the homeless no end a carbon footprint is a metaphor for
The mark you leave on the earth as you walk through your lives of course I don’t have one cuz I drive everywhere and it is twice as bad if you’re Christian because you got Jesus traing alongside you this is quite sad I was sexually abused as a child and I’m worried that
My personality in history Will Lead Me to abuse others have you thought about career in the Catholic Church any Catholics in stop touching kids I was raised Catholic the thing that used to annoy me about church when I was little was all the standing up and sitting down and kneeling I wish the
Priest could just pick a position and [Â __Â ] me as head of the Catholic Church Pope Benedict is the boss of every Catholic priest in the world he’s effectively King of the pedos I read about a Catholic priesthood exposed himself so they defrocked him they don’t help themselves do they
Well they do that’s part of the problem this Scandal could bring the Catholic Church to its knees you got finish that one in your own head somewhat ironically I personally I don’t think the pope should worry about the sex scandal all get sorted out soon enough when Jesus
Christ Our Lord and Savior comes back from the madeup when I was a kid I had an imaginary friend and I used to think that he went everywhere with me and that I could talk to him and he could hear me and that he could grant me wishes and
Stuff and then I grew up and I stopped going to church well that seems to have divided the room somewhat there’s two distinct groups there there’s people that thought that was funny and then there’s a larger group who will be going to heaven while we’re on the subject of
Religion I imagine there’s quite a few people in here that go to mass or or wherever Protestants go hell I’d imagine I know have you all seen the new Mel Gibson film The Passion of the Christ it’s upset an awful lot of Christians they’re very up they’re up in arms about it he’s
Made a film about the Life of Christ but he’s tacked on this silly Hollywood ending where the hero comes back at the end does she love the little baby Jesus or does she love the little baby Jesus or not the other thing I’ve noticed with books is like anything with a spiritual
Element always does brilliantly look at the Bible that’s still a bestseller even though they give it away in hotels I guess you could say I haven’t found Jesus but then I Think Jesus should try and find find me he’s omnipotent I’m on telli how tough’s that make a [Â __Â ] effort
Christ or Christ make a [Â __Â ] effort that works either way I’m cynical about religion but I’m not a cynic I I do believe in other things I’m willing to believe in aliens for example I mean if aliens don’t exist then who was it that abducted me at the age of 13 and
Transported me to a room full of weird flashing lights and subjected me to a terrifying Rector probing well that’s right it was the guy that ran the youth center Disco yeah the thing that put me off religion was I was raised Catholic any other Catholics in it’s a weird thing isn’t it like
Catholic school if you go to Catholic school sex education is very odd sex education they don’t want kids to be told about sex they want to show them the Catholic Church are weird the only kind of contraception they seem to approve of is [Â __Â ] young young boys and he gay priest
In no I’m for those of you that don’t know the collective noun for gay priests priests it’s an easy one to remember isn’t it no because gay priests were in the news because if you’re a gay priest you can now marry another gay priest and they weren’t allowed to for ages because
It was going to be confusing during the ceremony because would they say do you take this man or does he take you who’s the mummy seems a bit awkward I’d like to meet a gay priest though because normally priests do that sort of Nomine partree filio fish thing whatever that
Is I imagine a gay priest to be a little bit more a little bit more rasat Taz Jesus Christ you look amazing yeah I’m going to kneel down before you why he hung out with 12 Sailors fisherman whatever I’m going away we’re having a dinner no girls churches are depressing I mean why
Build all of them in graveyards my local church is raising money for a giant thermometer I tell you what let’s talk about religion that couldn’t possibly upset anyone if Jesus is the way and to be a Christian is to be in Christ then aren’t all Christians just in the
Way Jesus says he loves me but I worry about the age [Applause] Gap now you’ll notice out a deference and respect to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ I’ve let him BM me I’ve got a Muslim friend who’s really religious feel the tension in the room I’ve got a Muslim friend who’s
Really religious he knows the Quran backwards which is handy because that’s how you read it surprisingly well-informed an inoffensive joke about the Islamic faith and that’s because I’m not a [Â __Â ] idiot what are the Christians going to do forgive me good luck with that speaking of Christians any Catholics
In a few Catholics Catholics are a weird Bunch look at the rosary basically anal beads the church wanted to move forward on female Bishops but Bishops can only move diagonally gay priests can move wherever they want because they are Queens alt together or not at all on the
Applause otherwise we’ve got to throw you a [Â __Â ] fish well thanks very much I I don’t believe in God I’m I’m I’m actually an atheist well not even an atheist but I I don’t believe in I’m not even an atheist I’m I’m what you might call an
Anti-theist I I think religion is a bad idea I think it’s a tool used by the powers that be to control the weak-minded in our society but you can’t pull that on a form so I just write Church of England I’m actually a lapsed Catholic any Catholics in oh quite a few over
There yeah I’m a laps Catholic I knew my days were over in the Catholic church when I found myself at Communion thinking I like the wine I’m loving the wafer any chance of a bit of cheese don’t get me wrong though I still respect the Pope I like to think of the
Pope as king of the pedos he’s the best one he’s the ring leader he’s Gary glitter’s boss I saw a documentary recently on Channel 4 it was all about faith and in it someone went well of course Scientology is a madeup religion I thought as opposed To one of my favorite things is to get Christians talking about scientology because the Christian will go scientologists they’re Nutters they believe in aliens and then you can say to the Christian what do you believe in again it’s a benevolent zombie that’s coming back to save you isn’t it good
Luck with that that will probably happen has anyone been to Belfast belf Amazing Town very friendly place the amazing thing about Belfast they can tell what religion you are just from your name I went there with my friend Rabbi Lionel they just knew it well what I’d like to do now
Ladies and gentlemen is tell you what this show is actually about I’ve had an extraordinary 12 months I’ve had a life-changing experience I was a very cynical man and uh I I didn’t really have any religion in my life and I’ve I’ve let spirituality in in the last 12
Months and it’s been extraordinary so this evening what i’ really like to do is to test I’m joking there’s no God grow up unless of course you’re Muslim in which case there definitely is a God I’m not a [Â __Â ] idiot [Applause] seriously I don’t mind upsetting the
Church of England what are they going to do hold a fate I’m sure there are Christians out there in the audience now thinking if I get hold of that Jimmy car I’m going to bloody well forgive him hello I’m Jimmy car and I’m announcing a new tour it’s called Jimmy
Car laughs funny and if you like me it’s the kind of thing you like and if you don’t like me then uh why you watching this