Ladies of Letters series 3 by Carole Hayman and Lou Wakefield

Ladies of Letters is a comedy series that ran for 13 years on BBC Radio 4; based on the series of books of the same name written by Carole Hayman and Lou Wakefield, and starring Patricia Routledge and Prunella Scales. Routledge stars as Vera Small and Scales as Irene Spencer, two elderly ladies who share a sometime rocky relationship conducted by correspondence.

The Coach House apartment the boy long Lane little shag Thorn dear Irene I was going through some drawers in the coach house yesterday and came across my old and dogeared list of New Millennium resolutions my first instinct on reading must be more tolerant of Irene she means

Well even though she is very trying was to tear it into little tiny pieces but I found myself reading on and by the time I came to I will embrace my fellow man with love and friendship I was bathed in tears I sat on the bed and howled my veterinarian son-in-law singen

Said later he thought it was a poodle just castrated it brought back all the events of his and my daughter Karen’s wedding day again I haven’t forgotten that I was left locked in the bathroom while everyone else including you went off to Shag Thorne Abbey without noticing all

The trying to climb out of the window I impaled myself on the hook from which hangs the lavatory brush and was shredded down to my undies I will never forget the look on The Bishop’s face as the bride’s mother staggered into the Abbey ripped and bleeding nor K’s rage

As she said or rather spat at me during the reception you’ll do anything to draw attention to yourself won’t you mother it was insult added to injury when you accused me of being jealous of her happiness especially since it was you who vacated the bathroom as I

Entered somebody turned the key in the lock albe it Absentmindedly however the list made me think very hard about all the intentions I’d had of rising to the millennial Challenge and it is in the spirit of that I offer you the chance to make amends you’d better get a move on as I’m departing these Shores for a trip to

India it was while I was searching for my song that I found my resolutions yours in love and friendship vera for did to the limes hea a green dear Vera so glad you’ve reminded yourself of your New Year resolutions finally albe it not until the summer months in my experience

For most people that’s all they are good intentions made while giddily intoxicated and kissing strangers which are left to Wither on the vine a January is but a few days old I have managed to remain faithful to my resolutions thus far this year and I intend to continue in that vein so I’m

Not going to be tempted by you into silly arguments about what did or did not happen at Karen’s wedding suffice it to say that I’m clear in my own mind that I played no part whatsoever in the sorry tale of your arriving in the ABY in the middle of

Your only daughter’s marriage ceremony with your skirt up around your ears and mouthing irreligious profanities I’m so glad to hear you finally come out of your depression though your daughter Ken has been in despair about you and has often been on the telephone to me night and day since

The wedding I don’t mind telling you that you had a close brush with homelessness around Easter until I managed to calm her down and remind her that though irritating beyond belief sometimes you are nevertheless a very genuine person and her mother I’m very pleased that you’ve obviously decided to take up your

Son-in-law singin’s offer of a nice long holiday I really do think that he and Karen need some quality time together alone and that they both need to bond with your grandchildren Sabrina and Nelson in a way which is impossible with you around given that you are so competitive for their

Affections I’m surprised you settled on India however given what you like about toilet facilities don’t let it get you constipated like it did during our trip together in the dormobile especially not if you’re going for several months as you’ve apparently promised Karen I’m enclosing this jumbo box of senna as a

Going away gift and suggest you pack it near the top so you can start taking it straight away before your phobias have a chance to take hold have fun old friend and try to come back the Richer for absorbing some of that wonderful Eastern philosophy perhaps you might even learn

Some meditation out there which I believe can be so helpful for people of an angry impulsive nature I shall look forward to hearing all about your adventures in your cheery missives with warmth and compassion Irene dear Irene I shall shall ignore your ridiculous aspersions about kissing strangers owing to shortness of time but

I must remind you since obviously your brain is now a colander that the bathroom incident was the culmination of words about the catering not only did you criticize my use of sheep’s yogurt in the blue cheese kiche but you objected to the wilted dandelion in the salad and my own unique

Recipe for exotic lamb sausage you said if I remember correctly fortunately my brain is not a colander where was I oh yes you said that the sausage skin reminded you of an unpleasant object you hadn’t seen for many a year my poor son Howard was so

Hurt you’ve no idea how many sheep he had to wrestle to get that length of intestine he and his partner Anthony were exhausted despite the help of singen and his gather tape Such a Pity as I was going to to suggest we do a cookery book together called I thought two fat

Sausages thank you for the CER pods but they are the last thing I shall need in India I’m assured Curry works on a level similar to colonic irrigation I am not by the way going for several months whatever Karen has told you but on a 3w week guided tour with an

Exciting new Enterprise called Gaga they specialize in Adventures for the elderly and we been speaking I would have asked you to come too though on second thought you’d probably be happier with a quiet saunter in Bogner singen who is the most thoughtful and generous of son-in-laws offered me a

Holiday months ago but I haven’t had a moment what with the renovations at the boy Karen has spent a fortune on so-called Architects and what’s left of the house is held up by scaffolding helping out Howard and Anthony at the sheep farm and looking after Sabrina and little n

Nson I do wonder what Karen is thinking of getting herself pregnant again so quickly she’s already blown up like a barrage balloon which can’t be wise in the first year of a marriage Sabrina poor little thing has sobbed herself to sleep every night for a week at the

Thought of being separated from her granny I told her I’d be back in time to see a new little brother or sister born but that just made her cry louder all till I’m in touch with foreign Parts Vera dear Vera I know you’re just about to leave these Shores but I really must

Clear up some of your misapprehension before you go one blue cheese kiche is made with blue cheese if it were otherwise it would be named otherwise personally I would anticipate very little demand for an item named sheep’s yoger keich let’s say two the dandelion leaves in question were not wilted they were

Deceased three you said the sausage skin reminded you of an unpleasant such and such I merely added that I wouldn’t know as I had not personally seen one ever Clive and I preferred to keep some mystery in our marriage for if you are considering writing a book called two

Fat sausages I suggest you find another more suitably sized writing partner I person have never been anything but a size 12 with sincere best wishes for a very pleasant holiday Irene daring Tuesday dear singen and Karen sorry to be brief in this wire but tour bus impounded by police after nasty

Incident Pig on the road animal I mean not driver rescued by Charming Indian taxi driver who drove me the rest of the way 6 75 miles now completely out of rupees staying with Taxi Driver wire money to State Bank of India daring love V stroke mother daring Wednesday dear Sabrina

Hope you like the postcard of the mosque Granny’s only seen it from the outside too women aren’t allowed in missing you terribly but have been adopted by several cats dogs and goats oh and a pig we’re all staying with a helpful taxi driver and his large family the weather

Is freezing just as well as with all of us in one room it’s very cozy have bought you a sari and lots of jewels bet you can’t wait to have me back all my love Granny doing Thursday dear Irene thought you’d enjoy this urial Vista of the Himalayas so different from

The flatness of Heather green I went up to 8,000 ft yesterday hanging onto a cable car actually I was hanging on to it from below having slipped out as I lent over to take a photo marvelous view of the tear State no trouble with the other down below food wonderful sheep’s yogurt in

Everything and other parts of its Anatomy now thinking of travel cookbook Vera’s voyages on my own naturally Vera Glen gul’s te- room doing Friday dear Howard you would love it here it’s very oldy worldy English just like the books I used to read to you when you

Were little there are lots of falling down Colonial houses and falling down Colonial people Jin is very cheap I’ve met a lovely couple of boys Raj and Shiva who remind me so much of you and Anthony they are a great giggle they’re tourist guides and tonight they’re

Taking me to the Planters club for its speciality you guessed it Jin fizzes love and kisses to you both Mumsy the Coach House apartment The Buffy long Lane little shagor dear Vera surprise here I am took to in your bed at Karen and S John’s beautiful home

Early on a lovely English summers’s M with your little granddaughter Sabrina nestled at my side while we write to Granny small Sabrina is such a dear isn’t she and so affectionate anyway in case you’re wondering why I’m here Caren rang me just after you’d left asking if

I could spare time to help look after Sabrina while you are away as she is so heavily pregnant Karen that is not your granddaughter naturally I was only too delighted to help out and we’ll remain here as long as I’m needed so don’t even think of being obliged to me it is

Entirely my pleasure that your family feels so comfortable with me that they can ask for my help I went over to dinner to your son Howards and his partner anony last night gosh it was fun of the food was superb not a drop of sheep’s yogurt anywhere and so beautifully presented they really

Are lovely and they seem so happy together they’re almost like a married couple aren’t they I hope you managed to get this care of the State Bank of India daring don’t you have a post Restaurant address over there it would be so nice to be able to keep you informed of your

Family news on a more regular basis or we could even email each other singen has been showing me around the worldwide web on his computer and it really is a Marvel he’s given me my own email address while I’m here Irene at little shag.com singen says that there are

Internet cafes all over the world now so if you can find one in daring have a go Joe all for now as it really is time we got to warmest wishes Irene bum Chum’s Hotel the ridge daring email Vias voyages tor.com dear singen thank you so much for the money transfer which arrived in the nick of time I was about to take to the street with my begging bowl like so many of the other residence of Daring they are a

Picturesque lot in their Rags though I wouldn’t go so far as to have anything amputated I can also pay my bill at the Planter’s Club where I apparently ordered 32 gin fizzes you really are a dear and the best son-in-law any mother could wish

For how is Karen by the way I hope the pregnancy is progressing well and she has got over that deafening heaving and wretching and returned to her normal color incidentally I’ve had a very odd letter from Irene I know she is staying with you but she also seems to have borrowed my

Identity if I don’t return soon she’ll have taken to wearing my clothes and calling herself Vera I hope you’re impressed with my email skills my dear new friends the boys Raj and Shiva introduced me to the Jasmine cybernet Cafe they said it was High Time i’ join the worldwide web and

Besides I’d be able to keep in touch with them all my love to you and the children and Karen of course Vera Vera’s voyages at tor.com dear Irene recipe number one sag aou with pineapple 2 lb of Lou one pound sag one pineapple two cardamom one teaspoon garam masala one teaspoon

Coriander half kilogram sheep’s yogurt stew a l in G until soft add sag cubed pineapple and spices and stir vigorously after two or three mins add yogurt and serve with fresh chipati please pass on to Howard and Anthony your first cyber pal Vera Irene atlet little shag.com dear

Vera well here I am on my inaudible trip on the worldwide web and I have to say it seems very like commoner Garden typing to me did I ever mention that’s what I did before I was married actually I wasn’t a typist in a pool I was personal secretary to Mr blundel the

Managing director of Fairweather feet a very well respected firm that made quality Wellington Boots and gashes singen has just suggested that I do some office work for him now he’s discovered my latent Talent such a shame that you didn’t learn an office skill when you were young otherwise you could help him

Out and pay off some of the debt you apparently now owe him what was it you used to do wasn’t it factory work of some kind or were you a shop girl I have remember some rumbling tale you once told me when you were in your cups about

Your mother telling you you’d be one of Woolworths if you didn’t apply yourself harder at school speaking of school I went with Sabrina to her bring a granny event at shag Thorn junor yesterday since you weren’t here it’s a new innovation to bring history alive for the little deers

Hearing it out firsthand Sabrina was so happy I could go with her and was so proud of my storytelling skills I told them all about rationing and Walton pie and afterwards the catering staff begged me for the recipe happily also Mrs Patel was there from the filum Magna Cor the store so I

Asked her if she knew what sag and Aloo were honestly if you mean potatoes and spinach I don’t know why you don’t just come out and say it Sabrina said it sounded oril she’s such a caution nevertheless as soon as it was home time we trundled over to her uncle

Howard’s to give him the recipe since she made such a song and dance about it and he cooked it straight away substituting Cox’s orange Pippins for the pineapple since now naturally here in the Darby Dales we do not have access to Exotica except in tins and you know

What Howard is like about fresh produce all of us thought it was highly overrated Sabrina actually said it was pukey and demonstrated her feelings in the back of the MG when Howard was kind enough to drive us home she’s going to sleep with Granny Irene tonight to make her feel

Better nearly forgot you had a visitor the other evening Edward blood says you met at the parish oap Beetle Drive last winter and was inviting you to another this weekend I told him you were away so he insisted on taking me instead you are a dark horse he’s quite attractive in a

Rough and Ready rural sort of way isn’t he we’ll tell you all about it in my next vard’s Irene the Coach House Long Lane little shag Thorn my dear Irene I’m so sorry to have missed you I was expecting a warm reunion indeed the hot water bottle in my bed was still warm

But Karen told me you had taken off like a bat out of hell on hearing some news from home I do hope it’s nothing serious I couldn’t help wondering what on Earth you were doing at little shag Thorne when your own daughter Leslie is pregnant and your own grandchild Cheryl

Marie must be feeling very neglected of course singun filled me in about your Rift with lesie after she’d refused to have you over to Oz and how you suddenly descended here out of the blue they said you were distraught and how sorry they felt for you unfortunately those sympathies don’t

Last if one outstays one’s welcome it looks as though I’ve arrived home in the nick of time Karen’s about to burst at the seams which reminds me of India and Sabrina’s complaining you smelled funny ditto out of the mouths of babes I’m sure she’s only referring to

Your t- rose cologne which I’ve always thought a little vinegary she’s such a little performer she’s parading around with a turban on her head and has set up a stall on the B building site marketing the jewelry I brought her she’s already sold a hod full of plastic Bangles to

One of the Brick Layers she’s saving up for a mountain bike everything else is forgotten must now I’ve got an avalanche of mail to answer Dr it Edward blunts coming up the drive I hope he isn’t expecting a warm reunion Namaste asked Mrs Patel for a translation

Vera 42 the limes Heather green my dear Karen and singen I’m sending this note hand delivered by Mr blunt as he has kindly offered to pick up my other suitcase from you and drive it back over to me at the limes sorry to leave in such haste as to make myself so

Forgetful but as you know my neighbor Barrel made it all sound so dramatic that I simply had to leave immediately and come and see for myself I have to tell you thus far I’ve drawn a complete blank so I’m none the wiser certainly no strange man seems to

Be watching the house now and I’ve been peeping out from behind the curtains ever since I arrived back yesterday afternoon and there’s no sign of a forced entry and nothing seems to be missing except of course the mysterious disappearance of the contents of my dust

Bin as reported by barel to me when she found me at your lovely home naturally I put the heathergreen West neighborhood watch on full alert but I can only imagine that it was just children having a lark which doesn’t explain the mystery man staking out the

House of course but then barel is prone to fervid over imagining sometimes she used to be a Leading Light in the heathergreen amate dramatic Society or hams as it is known to aixion ardos and I think she misses the drama hope Vera arrived back safely give her my love and

Tell her we’ll catch up on all I new soon fondest love Rene xxxxx the Coach House the boy little shag Thorn dear Irene a quick note which I’ll pop in with the suitcase and bag Edward is bringing I found Sury articles of yours dotted all over how long have

You been using the TRU so have collected them all into this gorgeous handcrafted rajastani bag do feel free to keep it I’ve got lots more I’m so glad Edward’s removing your suitcase which I fell over several times whatever possessed you to bring such a big one you must have thought you were

Moving in now at last I can unpack all my treasures I’m going to completely redo the Coach House Indian style and have brought back like lots of hangings in shades of saffron tangerine and magenta the colors worn by the Buddhist monks I encountered photo enclosed that’s the chief llama holding the

Football I passed your note on to Karen and singen once I realized it was for them Edward had given it straight to me he’s well meaning enough but a simple soul I do hope he isn’t delivering your stuff in his poultry van last time he

Gave me a lift in that I came out smelling like an Indian L and covered in chicken feathers so of course I couldn’t help reading it it sounds as though ble isn’t the only one who Mrs drama why on Earth would a mystery man be lurking about your house and riffling

The contents of your dust bin that sort of thing only happens to film stars and television presenters you haven’t won the lottery and not told us anyway I do hope whatever the problem with Leslie you’ve made it up now I’ll write properly and send you more pictures of my Adventures as soon

As I’m settled what a good thing singen installed the computer must log on and email all my new Pals on the subcontinent all the best the the BBY dearest Irene thanks for your letter which mother eventually gave me I’m glad you’re okay and of course you’re welcome here anytime though where

We’d put you I don’t know what with the B still being a building site and needing a nursery for the new baby and a sweet for the nanny I’m insisting singen hirers mother’s got boxes and Trunks everywhere she’s turning the Coach House into a bedwin tent there’s carpets and

Cushions and yakkin rugs singen says we’ll have to rename it the Shag Palace even Howard said the colors made him feel billias though that could have been the curry she insisted on feeding him she’s trying out all her new recipes if she sends you the one for mutton Masala don’t touch it love

Karen F to the limes have he green dear Vera have just received your nasty letter in the post I don’t know what you think you stand to gain from fabricating lies about a rift between myself and my daughter Leslie we are in fact the best

Of friends and as close as a mother and daughter can be when one lives in England and the other lives in Australia in fact we are both currently looking into our finances to see if we can afford for me to fly out again to Melbourne to be with her during her

Confinement as for outstaying my welcome with your daughter Karen and her husband singen all I can say is huh you should have heard what they were saying about your eminent return before you go throwing stones in Glass Houses your ears would have spontaneously come bursted Edward has also delivered your

Note to me this morning which I read out to him so now he knows what you say about him and his poltry van behind his back he says you can forget free from him from now on and can go out and buy them yourself the truss incidentally was his

It’s a long story and not one I would want to go into with such an antipathetic correspondent such as yourself but suffice it to say that we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves at the beetle drive and got on like a house on fire as in fact I seem to do with all

Your friends and family musco there’s a policeman at my door you may think my dust bin being plundered is a joke but I am happy to say that here in Heather green it is sufficiently out of the ordinary to arouse the interest of the C kindri guards Irene PS almost forgot welcome Home the boy little shag Thorn dear Irene forgive this Scribble but mother’s got all the computer equipment in her room and I’m far too huge and heavy to drag myself there this painting by Sabrina is all I’ve got to hand ignore the dark red blotches I don’t know what you’ve been

Telling ma she’s accusing us of saying nasty things behind her back and trying to get rid of her it seems to stem from a misunderstanding about why you were here I’m afraid it’s my fault I let it drop that you’d planned a long visit to Oz but your daughter Leslie had refused to

Pay for your flight and you were so upset we asked you over also our neighbor Edward blunt the poultry farmer hasn’t spoken to us since he came for your stuff you should know they were seeing each other for a while but fell out over her attempts to re-educate him she kept buying him

Classic FM tapes to listen to on his delivery rounds he said he felt a fool playing William Tell to a van full of squawking chick chickens when she gave his favorite tweed jacket to little shag Thorne help the Aged saying it made him look like worle Gage it was the final

Straw no pun intended in a village it’s a bit bloody awkward so we sent her away on holiday she’s now Tak to a bed with what she says is a touch of malaria my husband singin’s taken a temperature and says it’s only a cold but she swayed in

A mosquito net and demanding quinine I just can’t deal with this in my present condition the only good thing is that Mars temporarily stopped cooking her last effort in the kitchen curried brains her own judging by her recent Behavior nearly brought on premature labor do for goodness sake do whatever

You can to smooth things over all the best Karen P.S forgot to ask what the police make of the Dustbin situation have they considered foxes 42 the limes Heather green my very dear Karen thank you for your Noe and for darling little Sabrina’s painting the red blotches do make it look rather

Disturbed has she painted it since her Gran air has been back poor little might we got on so well she used to cling to me like a limpet when I was staying with you and we had our cuddles so I suppose she must be really missing me doubly so

If her real grandmother has turned nasty anyway it’s nothing new to me how our Rel relationship has survived th far I sometimes fail to comprehend but I am not one to Bear grudges as you know so I’m anking a letter for she who must be obeyed to try to smooth things over as

You suggest try to rest dear in your condition you can’t be too careful Tons of love and kisses for you Rene P.S I was a bit puzzled about you telling ver that you invited me over because you felt sorry for me since you and I both know that you begged me to come

But I suppose you decided on a white light to make her feel better anyway hope the enk does the trick to turn her mood around 42 the limes dear Vera Karen tells me you’re poorly with a slight cold I hope you aren’t being a nuisance to her while she is so heavily pregnant

She must be exhausted poor lamb to relieve your symptoms I recommend boiling up some cloves with lemon juice and honey and if you want to push the boat out mix in some whiskey it works for me my news is that the Heather green police have drawn an absolute blank so

Far on the mystery man who stole the rubbish from my dust bin I’m inclined now to believe it must have been a starving homeless person or as your daughter Karen suggested may be a fox however Barrel next door still swears there was a man staking out my

House while I was away in fact she still has nightmares about him looking at the sketch she did of him in in order to assist police with their inquiries I’m not surprised but then again perhaps that is due to her drawing skills or lack of them speaking of which your

Gorgeous little granddaughter Sabrina has just sent her granny Spencer a lovely drawing of dark red splodges and something that looks like a meat cleaver sticking out of somebody’s head I hope you’re feeling better by the time this arrives and are being less of a drain on poor Karen’s scant resources energy-wise merch love

Irene the Coach House the bo dear Irene haven’t got time to write to you about Adventures as I’m busy preparing a lecture on them for great and little shag Thorn geographical Society they’ve begged me to fill their Travelers Tales slot with a commentary and slides it’s a

Great honor which I shall have to work night and day to fulfill especially as I’ve also offered to do the refreshments I thought it would be a good opportunity to try out some of the recipes I’m including in my cookbook viera’s voyages I’ve had to scour the worldwide web for ingredients you can’t

Get anything exotic in the derby Dales as my son Howard is always saying I haven’t got a cold it’s a recurrence of malaria it can dog Travelers for years as you’d have no occasion to know whiskey is the last thing you should take with quinine though come to

Think of it jyn wouldn’t be so bad but I always find the best cure feverish though I am is to be up and active Sabrina little angel has been helping me by designing my traveler Tales program I told her all about the goddess Carly and her bloodthirsty ways which may be the

Origin of the meat cleaver I couldn’t help noticing that her severed heads have an uncanny resemblance to yours but it’s probably coincidence must get on I’m doing a trial run of gobby manorian tonight which Howard and anony are coming to sample I’ve Inked an invite to the de on

Tuesday though it’s too short notice for you to be able to come I’m sure Karen would send love if she wasn’t asleep and Sabrina if she remembered yours Vera great and little shag Thorn geographical Society cordially request your presence at Vera Small’s vibrant and rancing account of her Voyage Through India

Followed by a reception to launch her collection of Oriental recipes an evening wonderfully evocative of the sights The Sounds the tastes the smells of India 42 the limes hea green dear Vera I’m so glad I managed to get to your geographical Society do despite the

Short notice you gave me it was it was just luck that Edward blunt was staying over here at the limes when the invitation arrived so we just leapt into the van drove like maniacs up the motorway and Bob’s your uncle as the saying goes I wonder why anyway as we

Had to drive straight back afterwards I didn’t manage to congratulate you on your efforts which as far as I could hear you from where I was sitting in the second row were Sterling despite the hecklers I don’t care what they shouted I thought you look really interesting in that sor

Would you call that color Pew as for your cooking demonstration well what can I say it certainly lived up to your promise of the smells of India I don’t know if you noticed but I struck up quite a conversation with Alan Bagshaw The Jug sock president during

Your interval and he’s begged me to give a lecture on my Australian travels he wanted me to do it the week after next but what with expecting my daughter Leslie to send me a panic message at any moment to go to Melbourne and assist with her birth I thought it more prudent

To put it off a while longer I hope that Howard and Anthony are over their biliousness now any idea what caused it do give them my love and love as always to your daughter Karen who looked bloming to dear singen and baby Nelson and of course to Granny Irene’s little

Sabrina best wishes to you too dear Irene the Coach House dear Irene I suppose I should thank you for making the effort to attend my occasion but really what with your late arrival insistence on clambering over my audience just when I’d got them totally enthralled and Edward Blunt’s cell phone

Going off and him having a loud argument about foul pest during my poignant description of the chromation gats at vazi it would have been better if you hadn’t the hecklers by the way were telling Edward to shut up except for the one who was kindly pointing out that I’d

Inadvertently hitched up the back of my sari it must have been when I dashed to the Lio with pre-show nerves fortunately my undies were in the same shade of Flamingo the moment was only saved by The Elemental Magic of fire as a fan commented afterwards they could almost

Smell the bodies burning actually that turned out to be the dratted projector which Alan Bagshaw insisted he’d had mended he’s very forgetful I’m afraid there’s a mov in the to get him declared unfit for office several of the audience asked afterwards who une Earth was the woman with the hysterical laugh I explained

With my face the same color as my sori that you were or had been a friend I got some oldfashioned looks I can tell you at least one person suggested your behavior was deliberate sabotage it kept me awake all night wondering if that was true why Irene

Why jealousy I suppose I’ve got a lovely life in a lovely home with a loving son-in-law and grandchildren you’ve got Edward blunt I do hope you’ll Ponder on this and decide not to let the greeneyed monster Triumph we used to be such Pals yours in sorrow Vera P.S there were a couple of Publishers at the do acquaintances of Howard and anony they’re starting up their own list on the internet cookery books are apparently big sellers they were so astonished by the taste of my Bindy barie I said I’d send them a proposal for a book of my

Own 42 the limes Heather green my dear Vera flabbergasted would not be too strong a word to describe my feelings on reading your last and that only since I put a drop of rum in my car coffee to calm me down pre this oldfashioned remedy I was running the gut of emotions

From deepest hurt to Violent outrage what more do you want of my friendship I feel I’ve given all I have to give you go frolicking off to India I go to your home to look after your family you feel poorly I send an old family recipe for the Cure you send me a

Tardy invitation to a lecture giving I move Mo Heaven and Earth to be there to wish you well if you weren’t far too long in the tooth I think you were going through the change of life me jealous of you it would be laughable if it weren’t so

Wounding I wonder if the boot isn’t on the other foot and that you are in fact jealous of me or rather of my friendship with Edward who I hear you made several embarrassing attempts to seduce think long and hard about this before replying and when you do post it

Care of St Urban Melbourne for and here’s something else you might be jealous of my daughter Leslie has sent me an air ticket and entreated me to fly Halfway Around the World to be with her for the birth of my second grandchild yours in tiny little pieces

Irene P.S not that you’d be interested but a strange man who looks just like B next door sketch of the man who was staking out my house when I was away followed around the supermarket yesterday I managed to lose him in feminine hygiene but it has left me

Feeling very vulnerable and glad to be going away again but don’t whatever you do feel worried on my account 4 to2 the limes hea a green dearest Leslie I’ve been looking at my finances and find that if I’m very careful with the rest of the year I can in fact afford to come

Over to Australia to help you with the birth and to look after my darling little Cheryl Marie I’ve bought my ticket today and will’ll be arriving on on Sunday with all my love dear Mommy XX PS love to Brian any news yet about his divorce so the two of you can get

Married it would be so unfortunate if the new little one were to be born out of Wedlock The Coach House apartment the B dear Irene oh for the days of telegrams or if only you had email can’t bear you to fly Halfway Around the World in violent outrage it would only give you flatulence and nothing is worse on a cramp plane as I know from personal experience

Ience I do hope this note reaches you in time I’ve enclosed a photo of us which is one of my favorites arms linked squinting into the sun if I remember rightly it was taken in Capri by a gentleman who invited me to the casino you insisted afterwards he was a jiggalo

Who prayed on lonely older women that’s probably true of the man whom you claim has been following you what on Earth were you doing in feminine hygiene anyway dear the photo is to remind you of happier times and whatever are ups and downs how fond I am of you

Good luck on your travels Vera seat 56b jumbo jet up somewhere very high indeed dear Vera your letter arrived just as I was leaving the limes so I’m replying on route to Australia and what will undoubtedly be the grateful and heartfelt Embrace of my daughter Leslie she’s so selfless

Even at nearly 8 and a half months on Sant she tried every reason she could think of to put me off coming to help her although she did of course buy me my plain ticket thank you for the photograph and what I take to be your

Apology in not quite so many words up here speeding through the cerebral Blue Sky sipping my second complimentary Bloody Mary and chewing my nuts I already feel calmer and less frazzled than I have felt in donkey’s ages even though I hate heights I remember the jiggalo incident very

Well better evidently than you it was indeed on Capri you claimed you had forgotten to take your spectacles out with you although I knew of course it was only vanity so did not see the hourly rates written on the back of what you cared to think of as the gentleman in question’s

Calling card you were giggling and fluttering at him and were about to be dragged off to an hotel room arm in-arm with the odious creature when I took the card myself and warned you of the expense you were about to incur a 100,000 L for half an hour even then as

I remember you asked him if he took traveler’s checks the man who followed me was of an entirely different cast his hair was in brilliantine for starters he was about 40 or so with natural wavy hair rather like the color mine used to be before I

Went gray a kind of Spun gold with Amber threads he was tall handsome and quite distinguished looking however not being as easy prey as you andless we forget this was the man who allegedly ransacked my rubbish bin for purposes unknown I went into the famine in hygiene aisle of

The supermarket to shake him off which I did haven’t you ever noticed it’s a no-go area for men Clyde was just the same when he was alive as far as he cared to be aware I never had a single period in 35 years of marriage don’t

Know why I’m going into this must be the Bloody Marys we’ll post this from Melbourne when I get there I think Leslie now has a home computer so we’ll send you an email address soon for speedia correspondence bards Irene Karen’s cave westwing the B dear Irene ma tells me you suddenly took off

For oz so I’ll send this to Leslie’s I’m so glad you’ve made it up with her Leslie’s a great girl and well worth the price of the airfare I’ve enclosed a good look card and a note for her as it’s ages since we were in touch be sure

And let us have your email address asap can’t speak for ma but love from the rest of us Karen Karen’s cave dear Leslie how are you me old matey ready to pop but you can’t wait to get rid of it to think in a couple of months I’ll have three kids

More fool me for believing singen when he said I couldn’t get pregnant while I was breastfeeding you’d think a vet would know he’s obviously more familiar with a cow’s insides than a woman’s I’m definitely having my tubes tied after this one Mar’s on his side naturally she

Thinks the sunshines out of his ass talking of which she won’t get any more grandchildren from my brother Howard and his partner Anthony though having said that I believe the thinking of surrogacy hope they’re not expecting me to offer ma like the poor is always with us

She’s gone quite batty and is currently insisting she’s being stalked round little shag Thorn by a handsome younger man if only most of the bloats round ear look like serial killers I really miss our good times together we were a pair of nauy sheers weren’t we none of that in the dull old

Dales I have got a couple of cannabis plants in the greenhouse Mar keeps asking when they’re going to grow tomatoes good luck with the birth I’m wincing and crossing my legs at the thought of it wish I was there to crack a slab of tinis with you loads of Love Karen

PS how’s Brian shaping up have you managed to stop him wearing the tight t-shirts PPS my email address for more personal correspondence is karenr shag.com the Coach House the bo dear Irene I hope you settled in and over your jet lag which must have been considerable if you drank Bloody Marys

All the way I can imagine what a killer feeling lonely and unwanted can be but you’re not falling back into your old habits are you I expect your family are pleased to have you well your granddaughter Sher Marie anyway they’re always insecure with a new brother or sister on the way

Sabrina still hasn’t got over Nelson’s arrival and now she’s got another one coming I can’t help but feel Karen is very selfish she’s gone quite batty must be the hormones keeps insisting she needs more space goodness Knows Why in a house with 12 bedrooms she’s taken to spending

Most of the time in the west wings turret now christened caren’s cave there’s a retractable ladder and bolts on the door I don’t know what she’s doing up there but I hope she’s growing a hair at this rate singen will only be able to exercise his rights if he climbs

Up it I was rather alarmed at your description of the man you say was following you it exactly fits one I keep encountering here he was staring at me in The Butchers the other day I’d gone in for a pound of shank but I bought four pigs trots it

Was so unnerving I mentioned it to Karen when she clambered down for lunch but her only response was to complain about a toenail in the curry were there any letters with my address torn up in your dust bin the odd thing is he looks Vaguely Familiar especially the hair but I just

Can’t place him time to put rex on his lead and Nelson in his pram and collect Sabrina from school singon put the Land Rover at my disposal but it keeps me fit trotting up and down the hills I expect you’ll soon be run off your feet warm regards to all

FEA St Urban Melbourne Australia email Irene oil.com dear Vera arrived here in one piece but without luggage which apparently has been lost somewhere in koala lumur wherever that may be what is it about Australia me and clothes last time I was here as you may remember Leslie sent all

My luggage back to England and I was forced to improvise with your old castoffs this time I’m wearing Leslie’s praternity wardrobe which she rather crossly W as she wants back next week on Wednesday to be precise apparently she has booked herself in for a caesarian section next Tuesday at 11:00 a.m. as she

Doesn’t want the inconvenience of not knowing when she might go into labor can you imagine talk about the wanted now got to have its spoiled baby generation I wouldn’t mind but she kept me waiting weeks before she would Dain to pop out of me by Dr crank’s

Calculations I was 11 and a half months pregnant before he clumped a little head between his forceps little Cheryl Marie of course is delighted to have her old granny Spencer back again my how she’s grown we’ve just been having a rather difficult conversation about how babies get into mummy’s

Tummies I bit the bullet and told her the truth about Daddy’s putting their wee wees into Mommy’s front bottoms but I’m afraid she thought it rather implausible can’t say I blame her Leslie is screaming in the kitchen for some reason at the moment so it’s hard to concentrate we’ll send this now isn’t

Email magic love Irene P.S don’t know why you think my mystery man would be following you and he certainly couldn’t have got your address from my dust bin as you know I value order organization and neatness above everything so I file your letters in a folder called correspondence where

I inter leave them with the rough copies of my missives to you however much they might irritate me at times I would never tear them up and Bin them PPS I will not dignify your comments about drinking and old habits with the by suffice it to say that some people

Might say that three Bloody Marys a bottle of wine and a couple of bres consumed within a stressful 24hour period which was spent willing my plane to stay in the sky was on the light side and only Common Sense veras voyages at little shag.com dear Irene sorry to have been tardy in my

Response but we have had high dramas in little shag Thorne I knew Karen was playing fast and loose with fate as well as singen with a blasted ladder and sure enough last Friday blimp sized as she is she slipped and tumbled down it in second she was groaning and thrashing

Around with contractions two months early as this gimme gimme gimme generation find out God works in mysterious ways particularly with labor she’s now in great shag Thorn infirmary Maternity Ward with their feet higher than her head a position with which I’m afraid she is all too familiar she’ll

Have to hold it for longer than usual though the hospital won’t allow a premature birth they haven’t got the incubators I must say it’s been lovely for us all to have the peace the children have been much happier and even singen is far from inconsolable he poor boy has to do the

Round trip to the hospital after his veterinarian surgery every day to fulfill Karen’s demands for delicate Tes and food and foot rubs fortunately there’s always one of my delicious dishes on the table when he gets home he often eats it and passes out absolutely exhausted sheep Dippers has had its

Events too I don’t know whether I mentioned it but Howard and Anthony have been trying for a surrogate baby I suppose they got the idea from the Sheep flocks artificial insemination an agency has put them in touch with a young woman who’s willing to help quite who supplies the wiggly

Bits and how they get into I haven’t liked to ask something to do with sources if you think wee and front bottoms are tricky try explaining that one to a seven-year-old the whole story is going to be documented by Dale’s TV our local cable channel Howard and Anthony are

Delighted they see a life with sheep as Dale’s TV are calling it as good publicity for the yogurt the TV company hasn’t got a lot of money for the production apparently their Internet Launch was a disaster so another bonus is that they’ve accepted my offer to do the location catering

It’ll be an excellent opportunity to expand my repertoire did I tell you I’ve got Publishers begging for a proposal well dear I must get on a Grandma’s work is never done as I’m sure you have rediscovered good luck to Leslie her baby must be due any moment and to you

Vera Irene oil.com dear Vera found out why Leslie was screaming she was giving birth to a baby girl on kitchen floor can’t stop more tomorrow Irene Irene at oil.com dear Vera well talk about the best laid plans of M and pregnant women after all the trouble she went to booking the best doctors and an athetist and a private room and thinking she can just play God and decide to have her baby delivered on an operating table at

A time that’s convenient to her busy little diary my daughter lesie gave birth to her new baby girl on the kitchen floor braced between the washing machine and the tumble dryer while I was emailing you by the time I got to it it was practically all over I just had to

Clean up and cut the cord with the kitchen scissors the paramedic said I’d done a very professional job but then I’ve seen it performed so many times on Peak practice the baby is beautiful and has the most luxurious strawberry blonde curly hair so although they’re going to christener Sarah Jane we call her

Bubbles unfortunately I was so busy with Leslie’s nether regions I didn’t have time to notice my other little granddaughter Cheryl Marie watching intently from the doorway after witnessing the mysteries of birth At Close Quarters she is now inclined to believe my story about how babies are made and has started glaring

Angrily at Brian Leslie’s partner every time he comes in the house mind you I’m afraid I do likewise his divorce isn’t through yet so my poor little bubbles is illegitimate what times we live in I’ve had time now to read your last email properly and I’m so sorry to hear

About your poor daughter Karen’s troubles is she still managing to keep the baby inside her but then again why wouldn’t the little might be in a hurry to get out when its parents are in such a rush to get it in so to speak everything is now with this generation

They’ve no concept of planning and waiting and patience got to go Leslie shouting for a cup of tea and I’d better check bubbles’s nappy with much love from one I exhausted granny to another Irene P.S if you do go ahead with selling your recipes ask your Publishers

If they would like a proposal for an Australian cookery book I found a wonderful way with frery deu Vera’s voyages at little shag.com dear Irene congratulations another little girl I do so hope my daughter Karen doesn’t have another boy Nelson’s not walking yet though goodness knows his legs are long

Enough and he’s already such a handful when I asked Sabrina what she’d like her mommy to have next she said a supply of condoms perhaps she understands more about the process than I thought I’ll never know the half of what she learned when we lived on that trailer

Park anyway whatever sex Karen’s Baby is it’s still inside unlike my son Howard and his partner anon’s they’ve had a terrible time trying to get their home post mother Natasha pregnant turns out they both got low sperm count has there been a case of that on Peak practice Howard blames Anthony for

Riding horses in his youth Anthony blames Howard for wearing tight trousers they both blame each other for eating too much fish apparently the salmon round here are riddled with female hormones they’ve had the most awful Rouse about it and all in front of the Dale’s TV cameras I never realized how

Intimate a life with sheep would be it’s years since I’ve seen Howard’s private parts and now he’s about to share them with the nation thank goodness they’ve Enlisted the help of singen and his veterinarian syringe I just pray Dale’s TV put a bag over Natasha’s head before they film what he

Does with it the good news is my location catering has been a great success the director says he’s never known a film crew get back to work so fast fast lots of love to you all and a big kiss for bubbles with a name like that she’ll certainly be carrying on the

Family traditions have one for me ver Irene omma.com dear Vera it is amazing the speed of this email business isn’t it one of the products of this now generation that I approve of and talk about the saving on postage I’m thinking that I might buy a computer myself when I get back to

Heather green so I can continue to communicate electronically I couldn’t sleep last night so I started scarfing the web as I’ve seen your little Sabrina do and you’d be gobsmacked to use Leslie’s favorite word to know what you can do on it you can go anywhere and buy anything

You’d never need to leave your house again if you didn’t want to must be a boon to agoraphobics back to your last missive I do think you’re being overcritical of Baby Bo Nelson how are Earth could he be expected to be walking at his age I wonder if you’re not being tainted with

This now business yourself as for Howard I don’t wonder you sound shocked about his going on for myself I can’t say in all honesty that I want you to continue to keep me informed about his and Antony’s progress in that department I think there’s been a misunderstanding about my Australian

Recipes I didn’t mean for you to have them I just thought that your publisher might be interested in me doing my own book thank you incidentally for sending a kiss to Bubbles I shall gloss over your illusion to family traditions about drinking I’ve been skimming through some of Leslie’s psychology self-help books

Have you ever heard of projection I’ll leave it with you to think about Miss trof I’ve rejoined the creative writing for senior citizens class now I’m back in Melbourne and it’s my first session today with fond dis regards Irene the greenhouse the bo dear Irene I don’t know that I do approve of

This addiction to speed email is all very well but it’s put me in touch with so many foreign parts and each one expects an answer not so much now as yesterday there isn’t a shoot today they’re still waiting for the results from the last insemination I don’t know how the mother

Bore up but singen got back knackered so for once I’ve got time to miss myself I decided to indulge in some much needed peace and reflection and as you see I’m writing this in the greenhouse it’s so pleasant to be surrounded by growing things I’m sitting next to Karen’s

Tomato plants which I of course have been left to tend they are a beautiful shade of vidiian and I’m breathing in their earthy scent which I must say is very lulling oops dropped off the there for a while oh now if I’d been at the computer I’d have crashed onto the keyboard

Deleted everything and got an imprint of the alphabet on my forehead see what I mean going at my own pace slow and steady I’ll achieve much more you might want to consider that point if your psycho self-help books haven’t made it oh dear dozed off again really the

Atmosphere in here is very he I feel as though I’ve had a glass too many following in your footsteps talking of footsteps I think I’d better have a little walk I’ll leave Nelson even he’s less hyperactive than usual snoozing in his pram as the ground outside’s very

Bumpy Karen ordered the garden to be landscaped as part of the boy Renovations but like the rest of her plans it’s on hold much later in bed with slight concussion can’t read the above owing to double vision but I think I mentioned the gardens in upheaval in fact to call it a demolition

Site wouldn’t be exaggerating I was a little wobbly on my feet no doubt due to the unaccustomed catnap and I hadn’t taken three steps before i’ had tumbled into the pit which is destined to become the kidney shaped swimming pool then iene the strangest thing against the sunlight I saw this dark towering

Silhouette naturally in my concussed State I thought I was in an episode of the xfiles and was about to be abducted by extraterrestrials but he for it was a he dragged me up the bank and carried me to the shelter of the Coach House he seemed

To know exactly where I lived sat me on the sofa made me a cup of tea and At Last I got a proper look at him guess who he was none other than your mystery man unfortunately I passed out at that point and when I came round singen was

Bending over me with a bucket of water he had disappeared without Trace when I tried to explain it to singen he put a cold flannel on my head and told me to stop back Ling this must be more than coincidence who on Earth or out of it is he yours in

All Vera Irene oil.com dear Vera call heathergreen police immediately and ask for DC hog tell him about the stalker moving to shagor and tell him from me I have no intention of returning to England until he is in police custody the the stalker not DC hog and in the

Meantime don’t go out yourself if you do have to nip down to the shops or something keep a very tight hold on your handbag young men only follow old women for one thing I showed your email to Leslie who thinks I’m overreacting and has been trying to talk me out of

Getting you to tell the police she sends her best wishes for your speedy recovery however and asks if you or singen could take Karen’s laptop to her in the hospital as she is sending her an email she’s most insistent about it but then they did get on like a house on fire

When they were here together last year much love and all good wishes for a brief but thorough convalescence Irene Leslie oil.com dear Karen your mom got stoned in your Greenhouse just from the atmosphere of what she calls the tomatoes and then claims to have seen a

Stalker must be good stuff but my mom’s mailed her to call in the cops so you better get singen to move the plants or harvest them quick Brian has turned out to be really boring he was much more interesting when he had a wife to go home to Mom’s going on

About marriage but I’m thinking of telling him to bug off better go she keeps sneaking in and trying to read this over M shoulder isn’t it hell having the old bag staying with us love Leslie Farah’s voyages at little shag.com dear Irene took your advice and rang DC hog

But all I got was his voicemail he hasn’t returned my call yet obviously Heather green is a hot bed of crime and he’s out stopping it you don’t have his email address do you I’ve stayed indoors since the incident I even considered moving up into Karen’s turret but decided I was in

Danger of becoming angor aphobic besides mystery man seemed far from menacing he had a lovely smile almost Angelic I wish I could place whom he reminds me of oh someone’s banging wildly on my front door whoever can that be at45 in the morning I’ll just get singin’s animal tranquilizer

Darts 2: a.m. false alarm it was Howard in tears after another tiff with Anthony Dale’s TV is suspended filming they say it’s lost the Feelgood Factor must finish and bring Howard round I shot off the tranquilizer dart before I realized more soon Vera Karen at Great shag.com dearest

Leslie no worries sent singen to sort the old bill at our local Masonic deal is they get three plants and we get to I’ve got them here in my hospital room hidden behind the pots of bloody chrysanths Yar sent me not that I can reach them with my legs in bloody stups

Put me off bondage forever like you fed up with bloody men men bloody babies and bloody mothers bloody love Karen Irene oil.com dear Vera I don’t know DC Hog’s email address when I was dealing with him I was still computer illiterate but For Heaven’s Sake keep trying to get him on the phone I can’t imagine why he hasn’t been available heathergreen is for the most part a peaceful Village

Obviously you can’t stay indoors forever but neither can you live in constant Terror of being thrown into empty Swimming Pools by a perpetrator unknown use using your son-in-law singin’s veterinarian tranquilizer gun to defend yourself was an inspiration but if you go around firing It Off by mistake like that the whole of shag

Thorn both little and great will be asleep how is your poor son Howard now it is the weekend here in Australia I suppose it is in England too but once again I feel so far away which I am that I find it hard to imagine that it still

Exists thank heavens for the email such a lifeline my daughter Leslie and her partner Brian have gone away for a couple of days leaving me with the usual expressed breast milk in the fridge and in sole charge of my two granddaughters Leslie and Brian have been having problems apparently and need

To be alone to remind themselves quite what they saw in each other in the first place honestly if I can’t remember after this short time what on Earth are their memories going to be like when they get to our age and how terrible to break up Brian’s marriage and then wonder if

They’d done the right thing but that’s typical of Leslie she’s always been fatty sometimes I wonder if our generation wasn’t so elated that the war was over and so determined that our children should inherit a Brave New World with free this and free that all we succeeded in doing was to spoil them

And give them unreasonable expectations of life I mean what would Winston Churchill make of things if he were still with us he must be rolling in his grave baby bubbles is crying for a 4 a.m. feed so I must stop I’m exhausted but can’t seem to sleep too much worry the good

News though is that the airline have finally found my luggage it wasn’t in Koala Lumpur but Helsinki so at least I now recognize myself when I look in the mirror I looked a real sight in Leslie’s crop tops reply soon old friend I’m so lonely love Irene VI’s voyages at little shag.com dear

Irene your email made my heart bleed oh I do so know what you mean about being lonely sometimes it’s at its worst when you’re in the bosom of your family I said as much straight to Cameron Dale’s TV’s a life with sheep yesterday the camera crew were almost in tears Howard

Was furious with me i’ come out for a visit I’d love to see us after all your Tales though St Urban doesn’t sound quite as exotic as India but I’m absolutely indispensable here my daughter Karen’s in hospital for the foreseeable future she made so much fuss about privacy they’ve moved her to her

Own room for which of course singen is paying he poor lamb is rushed off his feet with two veterinarian surgeries a day and all the Outreach visits he’s had to go back several times to see my son Howard and his partner Anthony’s surrogate mother troubl with the syringe

Or something but the good news is they are at last pregnant Howard is over the moon now he and Anthony are arguing about which of their little squiggles did it as they’ve got a result TV parin and everyone’s smiling again Dale’s TV are back the director a nice lad despite

His double said I was wasted behind the scenes and I should get in front of the camera I took to it like a natural I don’t know that I’ve ever confided to you but when I was a girl I longed To Tread the boards of course my

Father would never have tolerated it to him an actress was no different from a prostitute it was only because his local pub was called the Nell Gwyn it was a notorious haunt of ladies of the night I often wondered if he felt so strongly about them why he went there now

Irene I’m saying this for your own good do not go back to the bottle no matter how desperate you feel resist it old friend or it’s not only Winston Churchill will’ll be rolling around in his grave I know he’s one of your Heroes but there are some of his footsteps in

Which you wouldn’t want to follow needless to say say I mean the above in a loving caring way your own ver Karen atre shag.com dear Leslie what’s happening with boring Brian have you made it up or kicked him out things have improved in here since I

Got the private room I’m allowed to move about as long as I don’t leave the hospital as if I can’t bear the idea of going back to the B it’s too full of singon and the blood bloody kids seriously thinking of running away as soon as I’ve dumped this one they’d

Be much happier with M looking after them course she loves it keeps going on about being needed send us a mail soon I’m so bored Karen Irene oil.com dear Vera you may down cry Sir Winston all you like but just ask yourself in a quiet moment what he would said about your son-in-law

Singen who lest we forget is a vet not a gynecologist impregnating a paid stranger on television with a syringe full of seamen from two homosexuals one of which is your own son so that she may bring forth this strange fruit and hand it over for cash to said deviant to

Bring up personally I would fight them on the beaches every time instead you encourage it and you say that the good news is that that they’ve succeeded call me oldfashioned if you will but who can the little might call mother when it’s born meanwhile here in Melbourne I’m

Having to cope with a new granddaughter born out of wedlock because my daughter Leslie couldn’t keep a hands off another woman’s husband I’m just left feeling that the more time goes by the more of my life seems to have been in vain however nil Desperado Irene has

Always been my battlecry and to this end I managed to have a good luck chat with Brian Leslie’s partner the other evening on our own while Leslie was resting though goodness knows what she’s got to be tired about I seem to be the only one to notice when little bubbles needs

Feeding or changing but back to my main thrust I managed finally after some subtle hyper bow thank heavens for my creative writing course to fire Brian up enough to promise to push through his divorce with all his vim and vigor to a speedy conclusion I made him hold little

Bubbles in his arms and swear on her dear little golden head that he would make her legitimate albeit retrospect F has been out and bought Leslie a scking great engagement ring at vast expans which he showed me today in secret with tears in his eyes and he’s going to propose officially at the

Weekend this Vera is what I think of as the role of the responsible mother whatever her age guiding her children towards a more wholesome lifestyle not giddily encouraging them to go their own way as you do with yours for instance if a son of mine had told me he was gay in

His confused early years I would have explained to him that it was just a whim and not something that had to be acted upon I would have reminded him of those old fashioned Notions willpower and self-denial I would have introduced him to every eligible girl within a 50-m

Radius of great shag Thorn and if they had failed to raise a response I would have told him just to keep his hand on is hate me one thing I would definitely not have done would be to egg him on about artificial insemination but that is obviously where we

Differ once more I shall glass over your Illusions to my so-called drinking habit honestly talk about the pot calling the kettle you may have chosen to forget who it was who had 17 long slow screws in myor when we were on our tour of Europe but I certainly haven’t nor have I

Forgotten the consequences but I shall not go down that alley just now I shall merely say Manolo and leave you to weave your way unsteadily down memory lane naturally it goes without saying that I too mean everything afor mentioned in the most loving and caring

Way but of course a lot of your behavior clicks into place now I know your father frequented a body house nobody would argue that it was a nice beginning for you Vera but if you’re determined to try you can rise above the nasty bits in your jean pool with all loving and

Friendly wishes Irene Vera’s voyages at Littles shag.com dear Irene you know where you can stuff your loving and friendly wishes Vera Karen atre shag.com dear Leslie I hear you’re going to marry boring Brian after all Mar show me a rambling email Irene had sent her when she’d obviously

Had a few tinnies too many we noticed she was back on the sauce when she was here anyway girl she reckons Brian’s bought you a socking great engagement ring so don’t go giving him back to his wife till you’ve got it safely on your finger I haven’t got a wedding ring on

Mine anymore my finger had puffed up like a black pudding and the triage nurse had to sew it off ring not finger think it’s an omen Brett the triage nurse is a mate of Howard and anony and a real pet pops into share a spliff and has promised to

Sneak me some pharmaceutical Charlie singen won’t give me class A’s and has even tried to get me off the weed while I’m sprog in a sanctimonious bastard Karen Howard and Anthony at sheep shag.com dear Irene my mother showed me your last email which had us all in tears Anthony

And I were shocked of the fundament at your medieval attitudes haven’t you ever watched que’s folk not that great shag Thorn is exactly a gay Village Ms the pity your comments were especially hurtful after the way we’ve always welcomed you here last time if I remember rightly you said we were

Gorgeous boys and you wished we were your sons you even encouraged us to try for adoption saying why not we were just like a married couple of course by then you had had the greater part of two bottles of sheep Dippers chardonay we can only con in clude

You’ve joined that band of losers darling Tony Blair calls the forces of conservatism who read the sun under deeply homophobic age is no excuse for embracing the attitudes of Hitler even if the last war is still your yard stick mother may have other foibles but she’s remarkably open and tolerant about sex

Things she told us about your travels together which at the time we were inclined to disbelieve now make perfect sense the only Manolo she remembers by the way was a bartender over whom you threw a jug of sangria I dare say you will find excuses

For all of this but they will fall on deaf ears at sheep Dippers it’s Such a Pity as we were going to invite you to be godmother to our baby when he stroke she is born but now we’re going to get a lesbian friend from Stonewall Howard dear Vera and Howard got your

Emails and I’m in a torment of Retribution I read mine again think I went over the top please forget and forgive don’t know what got into me if I had a hair shirt I’d be wearing it sometimes I wonder if I’m not a little bit depressed yours Penitentiary Irene Irene oil.com dear Vera and Howard I have been in a torment of Agony since I emailed my apology to you both a few days ago and having heard nothing in in return did you get the flowers I sent yet Howard and Vera have you received the cookery

Book I found for you a 101 ways to serve kangaroo imaginatively I’m not fishing for gratitude merely checking as always I have found some solace in the creative arts and send you this poem which woke me up in the middle of the night demanding to be penned I

Hope and pray that it may go some way to stop me being a Persona non- Gratis in your eyes I really do value our friendship and hope and pray that it does not continue to be Ur while with a heart filled with shame Irene uned by Irene

Spener they say that all the world’s a stage and we mere players on it so your humble servant I Irene give you this modest sunet I wish that I could turn back time and have never ever sent the the email writ impulsively in which my rage was spent dear Vera small and

Howard too that sweet fruit of your lines if apologies were many I would shower you both with coins please look at me with love again and don’t be filled with hate excuses are empty as I know but I’ve not been too well of late Vera’s voyages at little shag.com dear I read

I have pondered long and hard on whether to accept your apology allbe it put off by the appalling dog I do hope you’re not throwing good money away on this creative writing course I was in such a quandry about it I even emailed my Global Network for advice it seems to

Have struck a cord I downloaded lots of replies obviously a pleer of people feel abused by their so-called friends my Indian Pals Raj and Shiva boys bums.com think I should definitely forgive you they say it will bring me good cmer but there again every beggar in India will promise you that for 20

Rupees Yasmin remember Yasmin my next door neighbor on the trailer park psychic at far shores.com gave you an absent tarot reading and came up with the queen of Cups she’s the one holding a large wine glass and surrounded by flagons she said is to leave that with

You even silly old Edward blunt your Earth while sutor blunt at fou shag.com stuck in his AE or should I say straw he says you’ve kept your hand on your own hay for so long have no idea how he knows you have noticed there’s been devaluation after many sleepless nights

Answering the Dred email I finally decided to excuse your behavior it is as our long history demonstrates ingrained in my nature besides I know the sort of things you get up to when you’re depressed and I couldn’t bear to have that on my conscience my son Howard and his partner

Anthony say thank you for the bouquet of birds of paradise they’re an outlandish sight in great shag Thorne but I dare say they are common or garden perhaps literally in Australia anyway they have pride of place by the for poost of bed in a Heritage style milking bucket and

The always say to tell you they had a lot of fun with the spiky bits I’m enclosing a booklet my granddaughter Sabrina brought home from school on sex education which reminds me 101 Ways where the kangaroo went straight in the bin if this explanatory little work persuades playground bullies to behave

Like fully functioning citizens which I doubt Sabrina is called all sorts of names because she has short hair and likes football it may have the same effect on you at least it will provide an alternative to your blind cliche written prejudices all for now must stop and do

Something important like work on my recipe book proposal I advise you to do something practical next time you feel a poem coming on Vera Irene oil.com dear Vera thank you for your email at last I can’t tell you how relieved I am that we are speaking again and thank you for the very

Formative booklet on sex education I learned more perusing that for half an hour than I have hither to learned in a lifetime I’m rather cross with Edward blunt though for being so Indiscreet on my behalf and as always there are two sides to that story all I was after was

Friendship but it appears he had other things on his mind which I kept trying to ignore you remember finding his truss in your apartment after I’d been staying there I just popped out to make some tea and when I I returned to the living room he was in his birthday suit lulling on

The Shay’s loue I was so shocked I dropped his cup in his lap hence after a lot of agonized hopping about and blue language his Hasty departure and forgetfulness in the underwear department I’m not normally prone to depression as you know except when I’m in Australia it seems I travel all those

Thousands of miles each time just to be ignored by my daughter and treat like a maid of all work of course it’s wonderful to see my grandchildren just not every minute of every day I’ve been worrying too about the mystery man’s stalker that I left behind me in blighty

My next door neighbor Barrel wrote to me last week telling me she’d seen him again hanging around my house did you ever get to speak to DC hog of heathergreen C do please try again if you haven’t please give my love to Howard and Anthony and say I’m glad they like

The flowers you don’t mention if you tried making any of the dishes before you bined the kangaroo book Heavens you must have been cross with me I’ve never known you look a gift horse in the mouth before baby bubbles is crying to be changed and it’s almost time to collect

Cheryl Marie from school so I’ll have to finish yours in haste and heartfelt gratitude Irene XX verus voyages at little shag.com dear Irene I’ve been wondering what had happened to the mystery man I haven’t seen him at all since the swimming pool incident in fact I’ve rather missed him

I felt we’d established a bond I tried DC hog again but although I left another message he didn’t return my call no wonder the police are always calling for extra resources so I dropped the enclosed note to him I’m so glad you discovered the truth about Edward blunt

Before you got too involved I didn’t like to say so before but I had a similar problem with it him we’d been to a Countryside Alliance rally where Edward was making a speech in support of fox hunting he is when all said done a poultry farmer Edward got carried away

With all the cheering and backs slapping and waving of the St George’s flag and when taking me home threw me on my back in the poultry van and attempted to have his way with me fortunately he’d had won too many old peculiar and I was able to

Fend him off quite easily I shoved a knee in his crutch hence the truss and crowned him with a chicken basket while he was rolling around in foul droppings I gave him a piece of my mind and whatever he said that’s all I gave him I’m afraid he spends too much time with

His cockerels must stop now and do the washing ironing gardening and cooking while Sabrina is at school and Nelson is tied to his play pen we had to stop using the baby bouncer his legs are so long he kept hitting the ceiling no time for depression love

Vera PS retrieved the kangaroo book from the bin and experimented with brazed sweet breads we found it more of a snack than a meal perhaps on a kangaroo they are larger the Coach House apartment the boy longlane little shag Thorn darbs dear DC hog you may have been puzzled by the

String of expletives left on your voicemail but having tried many times to contact you by telephone I’m afraid I was overcome by frustration I was calling on behalf of my old acquaintance Irene Spencer who claimed she was being plagued by a mystery man stalker before her recent departure for

Australia I too have had sightings of this mystery man in my home Village of little shag Thorne and I’m therefore in a position to give you an unbiased description he is tall in the prime of Life about 40 with a youthful complexion golden locks and a lovely smile far from

Being threatening he is kind and chivalrous indeed I was rescued by him from an unfortunate accident if it hadn’t been for his prompt action I might have languished at the bottom of a muddy pit for days but like a prince in a fairy tale he disappeared before I

Could thank him I understand though one has to take everything I says with a pinch of salt he has been cited back in Heather green if you can fit reading this letter an apprehending him into your busy schedule I’d like to be the first to know do please contact me at the above

Address if I can be a further assistance yours very sincerely ver small Irene at os.com dear Vera Karen and singen and little Sabrina and baby boy Nelson Howard and Anthony Rejoice Rejoice my daughter Leslie is finally engaged to be married to Mr Brian benbo of St Urban Melborne excitedly yours proud mom Irene

Xxxxxxx run six Blair Ward Princess Diana Memorial Wing great shag Thorn Cottage Hospital dear Irene Penning a quick notelet while waiting for Karen to come around from anesthetic she was safely delivered of a little girl at 4:00 a.m. this morning singan was woken at 2: a.m. by an emergency call and we

Rushed to the hospital to watch them perform a cesarian section fascinating krot made a great fuss howling and thrashing and when singen offered her his hand she bit it I pointed out to her that it would be a great deal worse if she had to go through proper labor as it

Was the triage nurse gave her an injection which knocked her out and all she has to deal with is a few stitches as the the baby is so premature she was taken straight to an incubator fortunately they still have them in the private Wing she’s absolutely sweet

Though very small not a bit like Nelson so my dear we both have reason to celebrate I’m so pleased for you that Leslie is engaged at last I’ve read between the lines and know that with your straight laced views you found the situation there humiliating and embarrassing when exactly are they getting married

Anyway singan Howard and I send congratulations as will Karen when she surfaces oh I can hear some stirrings from the bed oh it was just Karen demanding another injection I managed to tell her Leslie’s news but all she said was poor cow when I asked her if she thought of

An appropriate name for the baby she muttered F-word Millennium of course she’s still very groggy if she sticks to it we’ll all call the little scrap Millie lots of love from all of us to all of you kiss kiss Fe Arin oil.com congratulations granny small you’ve done it again Leslie’s wedding

13th of next month I’m so excited you’re all invited we’d love to have you over to help with the catering if Karen can spare you lots of love Irene X on the birth of your new baby by Irene Spen say congratulations Karen dear sing

Ho sing hi sing hey For unto you is born a girl this bright and sunny day May blessings fall upon your heads and all your dreams come true these flowers and these kisses are with love from me to you Irene XX irin oil.com Vera wedding off don’t come I’m in despair Irene Vera’s voyages at little shag.com dear Irene I’m so excited about your daughter’s wedding in Australia too every time I look at Vera’s voyages on my email address I think it’s high time I went on another one I could certainly do with a break from the B I

Work 14 hours without even the minimum wage gone of the days when being over 60 meant welcome retirement my daughter Karen won’t be able to come much as she’d like to and she has to stay and feed Little Millie who’s still in the incubator Karen’s grumbling that she’s nothing but a

Milking machine her husband singen can’t take the time off and my grandson Nelson is far too much of a handful so it’ll be just me and my granddaughter Sabrina I’ll have to get a full Fair ticket for her she’s so tall and tomboyish she won’t recognize her hope I’ll be able to

Persuade her out of her football boots for the wedding later have search the worldwide web for travel arrangements and come up with bomb.com which is offering flights at miraculously low prices all being well Sabrina and I will be with you on the 10th in good time for me to give you

A hand with the catering in the meantime I’ve attached a favorite recipe you should be able to get the ingredients and it’s ever so easy even for an amateur lots of love Vera curried bananas bananas ginger wine garlic chili powder marinate bananas overnight then pop in the of them for 20

Minutes or if you’re feeling brave flbe Karen atre shag.com dear Leslie GED I won’t be at your wedding are you sure you know what you’re doing I said keep the ring not Brian anyway lots of luck girl Karen Leslie oil.com dear Karen what are you going on about I have kept the ring

And dump Brian mom’s going demented about it so what else is new Leslie X Irene oil.com Vera didn’t you get my last email I said the wedding’s off for not to come don’t tell me you’ve bought your tickets already or I’ll never forgive myself reply immediately Mark

Urgent I need to know whether to worry or not yours in desperation of new fangled methods of so-called communication Irene Vera’s voyages at little shag.com urgent dear Irene no I didn’t get your last email are you sure it wasn’t in your return mail my recipe book proposal came back saying service

Undeliverable so taking advantage of the remarkable discounts offered on the net I booked and paid for the plane tickets needless to say bomb.com won’t consider a refund I’m sure it’s not Brian who’s called it off after all he’s promised don’t you think your daughter Leslie is just having an attack of pre-wedding

Jitters she probably needs a good talking to about shouldering our responsibilities and I’m sure between us we can deliver it there’s baby bubbles to consider to say nothing of the trouble and expense all their guests have been to I have spent a fortune on a high synth pink silk two-piece with

Matching petal hat of course I’ll get the wear out of it on my next D’s TV appearance but still so we’ll be with you on the 10th as planned I shall copy and paste this into my letter format now and put it in the post to be absolutely sure you get

It you’re quite quite right no matter how despised by modernizers the tried and trusted methods are best love from us all and a bracing thump for Leslie V my bedroom Byron Street St Urban Melbourne Australia dear Vera by the time you read this you will be sitting

Here in my bedroom and I will be on a plane back to blighty tried emailing and phoning to stop you but you’d already left little shagor why une Earth did you think it would take you two days to get to the airport I’ve heard of leaving in

Plenty of time but really have had an absolute bomshell dropped into my life see a touch L from Barrel next door in Heather green she always goes into water plants when I’m away and to switch lights on and off and open and close curtains in a stimulation of me being in Residence

Don’t know what I’m going to walk into when I get back my poor little house now tell me I was overreacting about the mystery man stalker if you dare but character judgment has never been your greatest strength no time now I’m flinging things in suitcase as I write hence the scribble make yourself

Completely at home while you’re here what’s mine is yours as you know which most likely if I know my daughter Leslie will mean full child care duties and all housekeeping cleaning and cooking see if you can jump some sense into it about marrying Brian and feel absolutely free

To deliver that bracing thump you mentioned in your last ill wind had a small win on tats Lotto this week Australia’s national lottery so we’ll be buying myself a computer when I pass through koala lumur dutyfree on my way home we’ll let you know my new email

Address and you should get Leslie to give you one while you’re here love to Sabrina little Sher Marie is dying to meet her more soon in haste and trepidation Irene 4 to the limes Heather green dear Irene I’m ever so sorry to tell you you’ve been broken into to I was taken

Badly again and had to go into hospital for a couple of days with my bottom so wasn’t doing the usual with the curtains and lights got back to a bombsite police got your door boarded up it had been kicked in your tell is gone and your

Video but I can’t tell what else as it’s such a mess I’m sending you the red notice from the border uppers they’ve been round in person to try to get their money from me but I couldn’t afford to pay them on my pension apparently they

Got let down a lot what with the police calling them in and then people not paying so their new company policy is to rip the boarding down again if they don’t get their money within a week can you come home otherwise I may as well put a notice up over your door telling

People to help themselves let alone the weather coming into your Lounge haven’t told you the worst that chop who I’ve seen hanging around and who roped Through Your Dust bin that time was seen running off after the Breakin by Betty slapper up the street last night coming

Home from bingo I saw him and screamed burglar instead of running away he came over bold as brass and said to tell you he’s got your stuff in safekeeping have told police and they’re waiting for a ransom notice they’re flued they’ve never heard of a Telly being kidnapped

Before can you bring me Cherry Brandy from dutyfree this time I’ve gone off Midori Yours Faithfully Barrel next door Vera’s voyages at os.com dear singen and Karen amazed to arrive and find Irene already gone rather put out after a 3-day Journey no wonder bomb.com was so insistent about getting to the

Airport early it was like a rugger scrum to get onto the plane then we had to wait while they put the door back on Irene had left a note insisting that she’d tried to email and phone about her change of plans but as Leslie has subsequently confided owing to a

Recurrence of her old trouble she is getting increasingly forgetful apparently she is now convinced that her mystery man stalker has broken into her home and stolen her video for ransom purposes it seems unlikely I await her next communication with Dread goodness knows what fanciful explanation she’ll dream

Up in the meantime Leslie has made made us very welcome what a Charming girl she is not a bit like Irene’s descriptions of her I can see exactly why she doesn’t want to marry Brian he’s fat and bald and 20 years a senior more importantly his

Dotcom shares have taken a nose dive and what with the alamon he has to pay is unable to provide Leslie with any of the promised Comforts she has kept the engagement ring a large Solitaire and the hot tub in the garden we’ve all had a lot of fun

In that though Sabrina does like to play rough with Sher Marie must stop I can hear splashing and screaming from the garden later Sabrina was holding Shadle Murray’s head under water again although they’re the same age shle Marie is Tiny and very feminine and of course she wasn’t brought up on a trailer

Park baby bubbles is going to be another little beauty she’s as good as EG golden hair she obviously doesn’t get that from Brian and much less demanding than my grandson Nelson hope you’re not finding looking after him too arduous Karen still you got plenty of rest lying on

Your back for a month in hospital all love v/m Mother Leslie oil.com Karen what the bloody hell is going on just got rid of my mom and yours pulls up to stay do something mom’s found out she’s been burgled at home and was like a headless chicken till she left couldn’t stand it

Anymore so made some hash cookies to calm her down of course she’s one of the tiny few it just makes hyper and paranoid and I ended up wishing I hadn’t bothered she was practically climbing the walls suppose I should have learned my lesson last time she had some of my Dope

By mistake and I had to put her in the Looney Bin seriously if your mother’s thinking of staying here I’m coming over to you I’d got a new bloke I’d been gagging for lined up for tonight and I thought at last I could bring him home yours mented I swear to God it’s

Catching Leslie Irene atthe lies. Heather green.com dear Leslie Vera Cheryl Marie Bubbles and Sabrina have very odd to be writing to you all together arrived home in a chaos of emotion having flown for 24 Sleepless hours completely wide awake and rigid with tension couldn’t eat a

Thing on the plane it all looked as if it would poison me thank heavens for those delicious little Mary Warner cakes you sent me off with Leslie otherwise I might have starved you must show the recipe to Vera and see if she wants to include it in her

Book got here rung out dreading worst finding the inexplicable too tired to go into it now but wanted to let you have my new email address bought smashing little laptop marvelous price thoroughly recommend Chung Chang’s cheap computers in koala lumur dutyfree must sleep can’t go gone any

Longer would love to tell you of miracle and coming home to dream instead of nightmare but I’m still feeling strange so good to have the blood back in my legs though I could feel the benefit as soon as we were on the right side of the Equator got to stop eyes closing neck

Like red hot poker love Irene SL momg granny XXX z z b as voyages at os.com dear Irene the blood certainly rushed to my head on receipt of an email from my son-in-law singen my daughter Karen is absconded with the triage nurse poor little Millie is an abandoned child before she’s out

Of the incubator don’t talk to me about chaos of emotion singen with his schedule has to rush to the hospital several times a day to feed the poor little might with expressed bre bre milk only hope he remembers to defrost it baby Nelson has had to be farmed out to

My son Howard and his partner Anthony on their sheep farm goodness knows how they’ll manage with a herd of sheep as well looking after Nelson is a full-time job still I suppose it’ll be good practice for when they get their own baby as you can imagine I was poxed but

Lovely Leslie came to the rescue she said much as she would missed me I was obviously needed at home straight away she rushed around organizing flights has done all our packing and is now in the kitchen baking some merry Warner cakes for the journey she says to send you her

Love and tell you she’ll give me the recipe love except I’ll probably never feel it again especially for Karen ver Karen globet tr.com dear Leslie well you did say do something love Karen Irene atth lies. Heather green.com dear ver trist you are safely and scone back at little shag Thorne now and have taken control of the family situation has anybody heard from your daughter Karen yet imagine being able to abandon a newborn baby she must be completely distraught about something

She’s normally such a lovely girl I find it hard to believe that she is in any kind of romantic entanglement with the triage nurse who disappeared with her he’s a friend of your son Howard and his partner Anthony isn’t he so surely he’s of the other persuasion perhaps they’ve just gone

Shopping I have been having shock After Shock back home in he green I returned as you know expecting to find Mayhem after Barrel next door’s letter telling me about the break-in and instead I found everything looking lovely the front door had been put back on its hinges everywhere had been hoovered and

Dusted and there was the most wonderful flower arrangement from Flora’s tributes very Posh florist in nearby Monon Magna naturally I assumed it was barel I had to thank so imagine my surprise not to mention utter discombobulation when I took a Cherry Brandy around to thank her

And she said that all she had done was to let the cleaners in what cleaners I hear you ask as indeed did I the cleaners you arranged to come in and tidy up she said she’s a nice woman but very simple but I sent no cleaners said I and ver I

Didn’t I’ve emailed your son-in-law singen as it’s just the sort of kind thing he would arrange but he replied saying it wasn’t him he does sound lost without Karen do please give him a motherly hug from me I’ve been all around the village asking but nobody knows a thing I even emailed

Edward blunt our one time would be poultry farming Paramore wondering if he might perhaps be refining his seduction techniques but he just sent me a foul reply if you’ll forgive the pun saying that cleaning was what women are for I won’t pass on what he went on to say

That men are supposed before but suffice it to say it’s nothing useful in the housekeeping Department I am now left with the unlikely scenaria that I was broken into and burgled by the mystery man stalker who barel saw hanging around my back entrance and then cleaned up again by

Person or Persons Unknown as DC hog has filed in his report my TV and video are still missing as is most upsettingly my wedding photo why would they want that other than to be hurtful they’d get nothing for it the frame wasn’t even antique I told you didn’t I that Barrel

Saw the mystery man on her way back from Bingo and he told her he had my things in safekeeping since this is the most dramatic crime Heather green has ever known C have wired me for sound and I am supposed to go about my business wearing

A little microphone in my lapel and a battery pack strapped to my thigh in case he approaches me it makes walking very awkward and crossing my legs an impossibility and it’s all very well for hug and his associates to get excited about it they keep talking about

Offering to meet him in a field in just their underpants what is it about men but I feel like a lonely little lamb who’s been put out as a leer for the big bad wolf I carry a gif lemon with me now wherever I go in case of attack anyway

Dear enough about me and my worries poor you going all the way to Australia and then having to turn around and come straight back you must must be exhausted not to mention being terrified about the welfare of your missing daughter if there’s anything I can do to

Help find her particularly now that I’m wired for sound don’t hesitate to let me know but for all our worries Isn’t it nice to be back home in biety much love Irene X Vera’s voyages at little shag.com dear Irene I’m sorry to have been a while replying but what with unpack packing

Washing cleaning and the computer being down something about brown ale being spilled on it everything’s been more Topsy Turvy since I got back than when I was in Australia far from the cleaners having been in the whole of the body was strewn with takeaway cartons empty beer bottles

And cigarette butts which is odd as singen isn’t a smoker there were discarded clothes everywhere all the beds had been used and the sheets and pillows thrown all over the place quite honestly if it had been anyone but singen I’d suspect there’d been an orgy his explanation is

That he didn’t have time to change the beds so just took it in turns to sleep in them a mother-in-law’s job is never done and jetlagged as I was I had to get straight to the hoovering fortunately the return Journey was a lot faster with riper No Frills

Airline which was just as well as they took No Frills to the Limit and didn’t provide had any lavatories or sustenance i’ just popped the last merry Warner cake into my mouth they really are delicious I’ll be trying out the recipe when we put down in Dubai for a stopover in their fabulous

Dutyfree I wandered entranced by the multicolored garments and mouthwatering scents and found myself buying a corn new cop here of presents my granddaughter Sabrina got a David Beckham football cap complete with streak blonde floppy hair extensions she thought it looked funny perched on top of her head but as I pointed out no

Funnier than it used to do on his while I stocked up on the exotic foods and herbs I didn’t have a chance to buy in St Urban with enough tots at home to open a nursery I went completely overboard on the designer baby clothes they had the most marvelous accessories

As well and I couldn’t resist some fluffy pale pink and blue pashminas my son Howard and his partner Anthony claimed them both straight away on the grounds that their baby to be might be either sex but later I saw them wearing them in great shag Thorn

Tesos no word at all from Karen and the boys are absolutely mystified Howard’s convinced their friend Brett the triage nurse she’s run off with is anything but straight and what’s more he’s got the photos to prove it apparently the local tourist board has been running a campaign to promote

Great shag Thorn as the gay capital of The Dales and as part of a Mardy grow weekend Dales TV ran a take-home a competition Brett took first prize impersonating Posh Spice wearing a mini slip he’d made himself from 50 notes as Howard said goodness knows how

He managed that on the pay of a triage nurse I’ve taken over the care of my granddaughter little Millie now she’s allowed out of the incubator for a few hours Anthony’s made her a darling little sheep skin poose and it’s the Envy of all the other

Mothers I’ve just come back from a Brisk Trot in the hospital grounds with baby Millie on my back Pitbull Terrier rex on his lead and Grandson Nelson in his pushchair at this rate I’ll never need to take up yoga I do hope you’ve solved the Heather green Mysteries sounds like one for your

Creative writing course doesn’t it I’m sure you don’t miss the wedding f but you must be lost without your TV and video mail me soon with the next installment I’m hooked love Vera PS do beware while you’re wired for sound who in Earth’s on the other end when you’re spending a

Penny Irene atthe lies. green.com dear Vera thank you for your long and newsy email albeit tardy I had to get my dictionary out to understand half of of what you were on about and even now I am none the wiser for its halluci what is a pasmina you mentioned

Them before when you were in India and I thought at the time perhaps it must be something to eat given that that seems to be your preoccupation these days but now I’m not so sure as you say Howard and Anthony have been wearing them to do the shopping likewise trany which I always

Thought was slang for transistor radio I remember that Leslie nagged us all through a teen years for one couldn’t find it in the dictionary so asked battel next door and she said it’s somebody like Danny Laro so let me get this straight your gay son Howard says

That his sister Karen has run off with Brett the Triad nurse who likes to wear ladies dresses no sign so far of the mystery man I’m feeling a bit exposed because Barrel NE door is back in hospital with a bottom don’t ask I did and honestly after the 2hour monologue I was heaving

So if he did appear there would be nobody to hear my screams I know I’m supposed to be wired for sound but it only works when I switch it on otherwise the battery would run out and the knob is in such an awkward position I told

You it strapped to the inside of my thigh didn’t I frankly I don’t know how I’m supposed to turn it on casually without him noticing while engaging him in conversation long enough for the police to respond I mean what would you think if a woman my age started fiddling

Up a skirt when she was talking to you don’t feel you have to answer that Vera it was a rhetorical question insurance won’t pay up for a replacement TV and video because they say they aren’t stolen but kidnapped so my evenings are very long at the moment

The radio is all very nice of course but it doesn’t lull you into a stuper the same way as the Telly does it I do hope your son-in-law singen isn’t playing fast and loose while Karen is missing it’s all very well him saying he kept switching beds but the cigarette ends

Just don’t add up do they if he’s not a smoker and what will happen to you if she never comes back rare is the man who would have his mother-in-law living with him if she didn’t come as a part of the bridal package still I suppose he’ll

Keep you while you’re useful to him looking after the children anyway dear keep your chin up lots of love Irene X Karen globet tr.com dear Leslie don’t let on to the old deers but I’m staying with Brett and his boyfriend I run away to punish singen it was bad enough in

Forcing me to be healthy while I’m breastfeeding but when I got home I found suspicious signs and made him admit over a bowl of bloody sheep’s yogurt that he’d been having an affair while I was in hospital don’t know who with except judging by the empty tinnies

And fagins in the trash bags she’s a chain smoking alcoholic God knows how MA didn’t notice but she only sees what she wants to where he’s concerned anyway I chug the yogurt over his head and I’m not going home until about Master gravels Brett says I’m suffering from postnatal depression but fortunately he

Can lay his hands on just the substances to S it having a high time hope you are too Karen V’s voyages at little shag.com dear Irene in haste as we are in the midst of another crisis Howard and Anthony’s baby mother Natasha has just arrived in tears having been thrown out

By her husband I’m not surprised I always thought he must be an AR man to allow her to do the job in the first place goodness knows why she came here instead of sheep Dippers I can only think she feels she has more of a relationship with singen or at least with his

Syringe incidentally despite your unpleasant asped singen has explained perfectly reasonably that the mess at the body was as the result of a Dale’s tv rap party more when I can think Beyond extra bedding Vera Irene theel lies. hegre.com Vera get off the phone or stop scarfing the web or

Whatever it is you’re doing I need to speak to you urgently while deadheading the flower arrangement from person or Persons Unknown and found a card nestling in The Petal which I had hitherto overlooked it says Dear Mrs Spencer trust you find everything as you left it minus the TV and video of course

I shall call to see you on Tuesday afternoon at 400 p.m. where I hope we will have a pleasant meeting to our mutual Advantage Yours Truly see Thor good I can’t get DC hog on the phone either and I’m at my wits end since it’s 5 to 4 already help

Me too late he ringing the doorbell I shall stay very quiet and not answer oh no he’s looking through the letter box straight at me if there’s no reply when you phone me call hog and tell him to track down SE Thor good immediately yours desperately Irene Fair’s voyages little shag.com Irene have rung and rung as instructed in your last but just get the engag signal tried the operator some kettin in a call center and eventually after being rerooted via Glasgow Milton keing and for all I know another planet discovered your phone is off the hook my mind raced

Far and wide over the possibilities perhaps you’re involved in a romantic encounter during which you don’t welcome disturbance I dismissed that one immediately or maybe a struggle took place where the phone was dislodged and you are as I write gagged and bound to a kitchen chair worst of all you may have been

Murdered and a now lying strangled with your wire or with blood gushing from a fatal wound at the foot of your stairs on second thoughts it couldn’t be the stairs I’ve just remembered you live in a bungalow you’ll be glad to know this all rushed through my brain at the pace of

What my granddaughter Sabrina calls a nanc and I was straight away on the phone to DC hog demanding he send in the instant Response Unit as usual he had his voicemail on I suppose it is tea time but I left a message he won’t forget in a

Hurry dear dear friend how sorry I am you live so far away otherwise I would Dash straight round myself with a dose of my veterinarian son-in-law singin’s animal tranquilizer it has as you know proved a lifesaver on previous occasions hope this reaches you and does not merely languish in your email inbox

Until a social worker finds it please let me know at once what is happening I’m sitting at the computer with everything crossed and I’m in agony with cramp all over thee Irene atthe lies. hegre.com dear Vera have finally recovered from the smoke bomb and finished cleaning up the

House with Christopher’s help what on Earth did you say to DC Hog’s voicemail whatever it was he was taking no prisoners there was me and Chris getting to know each other over a cup of tea and fondant fancies when a troop of uniformed officers in riots gear and

Breathing apparatus bashed down the door with a battering ram without even bothering to knock first exploded some device that had us both choking and blinded and When the Smoke finally cleared and our eyes managed to reopen there was hog in his underpants standing in the doorway waving his trenen

Naturally I shall be lodging a formal can’t complain the phone wasn’t so much off the hook as ripped out of the wall they caused absolute Mayhem trumpling through the living room turning over furniture and throwing things about my weeping fig will certainly never be the same again still I’m sure you meant well

All for now as Chris is picking me up in a minute in his Jaguar to take me out to dinner but I thought I’d better let you know I’m still alive just best wishes Irene Vera’s voyages at little shag.com C dear Irene I’m sorry I’m sure if my prompt

Action on your behalf has caused offense but your hysteria left me no option as to the message I left for DC hog at least it seems to have done the trick and got him off his voicemail I didn’t bother mentioning stalkers and flashers but went straight to Armed gorilla and hostage

Situation your own instant response is as usual to misunderstand stand and misjudge the blameless motives of a true friend really the phrase dog in a Manger could have been invented for you which reminds me with all the drama I may have forgotten to tell you that Rex my pitbull terrier was shot last

Week by your ex pamore Edward blunt who claimed he was woring his chickens I imagine they have more to worry about from Edward himself but that’s another story as if that isn’t enough there have been terrible scenes between singan my son Howard and his partner Anthony and Natasha their

Surrogate mother no one will tell me what’s going on and when I pressed Howard who usually confides everything he burst into tears and rushed away sobbing something about singin’s Bloody insemination the last row kept me awake till 5:00 this morning it can’t be good for Natasha when she’s pregnant she’s

Moved into my daughter Karen’s westwing turret temp temporarily well Irene I’m relieved to know you’re all right but whom or what is this Christopher is he the mystery stalker you give no explanation and yet after your alarmist missive here you are on first name terms sharing fond and

Fancies were you wired for sound throughout the encounter in which case if you’re too engrossed with dinner parties you can simply send me the tape must stop Rex has slipped his surgical restraint and is tearing around the garden after Sabrina’s pet feret love and good luck Vera dear Vera who is Christopher indeed

Well he is many things marvelous things heroic things and also things of a personal nature which are very difficult to talk about where to start well first with the mystery of the kidnapped television and video there I was away from home in Australia as you will remember staying with the girl who calls

Me mother but who treats me like a slave and Christopher not knowing this had come around to see me here at the limes he couldn’t help noticing as he was walking up the path that there was a gaping hole where my front door used to

Be and just as he was puzzling out why that might be two boys ran out of it Knocking him to the ground and making off with my electrical Goods thinking not of his own safety he immediately gave Chase and miraculously caught up with them in Bal over clothes it turned

Out that they were children of barely 10 years so instead of turning them over to the police he confiscated their booty and gave them a very severe talking to on returning the stolen artifacts to my house he deduced that I was not currently in Residence and took them to

His own home for safe keeping Barrel as we know saw him leaving with them didn’t hear what he was telling him and jumped to the erronous conclusion that he was stealing them himself and holding them to Ransom hence all the misunderstandings he did take my wedding

Photo of course but only to make a copy of it for himself he’s returned the original to me safe and sound he it was who organized for the cleaners to go in so that my homecoming would be trauma free yes he is the mystery man stalker

He had been following me merely in the hope of introducing himself at an opportune moment but unfortunately one never arose he even tracked me down to the bothy when I was staying there in Le of you which is how he came to pull you out of the swimming pool but of course

By then I’d left now we come to the difficult part which I can barely bring myself to write that which I have kept secret for so long I now feel like shouting from the rooftops for out of darkest shame has come Shining Glory I can’t go on in Pros form I need

The subtle Nuance of verse The Ballad of Irene spener by Irene spener once there was a young young girl of barely 17 who strived to be a credit by keeping herself clean alas there was an accident alas she caught her toe for there were things in Heaven and Earth that she really didn’t

Know of how the birds and bees were made of the mysteries of life and ignorance being no defense her parents gave her Strife they wouldn’t listen when she said it wasn’t her but their friend Fred that he had thrown her on the bed and sin had reared its ugly head that she

Had begged polite at first but he had merely laughed and cursed and as he was doing his Wicked worst what he called protection had gone and burn first do not judge me unlike them or think that I was crude for there hasn’t been a day since then that I have not

Wept and rude that a baby grew inside my tummy who never got to call me Mommy for he was taken from my side as soon as he was washed and dried perhaps you have guessed it Vera Christopher is my son and he has found me at last yours in a curious heav ad

Mixture of Shame and unbridled excitement Irene dear Irene you think you’ve got drama shame and guilt we’ve had enough here to fill a novel by dooi sadly I can’t resort to versifying and I must say your last had all the subtle Nuance of the encyclopedia britanica so I will just enumerate the brutal

Facts my daughter Karen turned up in the middle of the night and found her husband singen up the turret with Natasha my son Howard and his partner Anthony’s baby is actually singin’s Howard and Anthony aren’t speaking to singen Karen beat up Natasha discovered my granddaughter Sabrina begging outside her school at

Little shagor she had her brother Nelson in his stroller Rex my pitbull terrier on a string and the lollipop lady Brenda in a headlock I’m afraid I lost control and slapped her she slapped me back and shouted she’d already made5 and I was a stupid foret a word to stop her this I

Suppose is the famed language of the playground all this just as Dale’s TV is about to air the first episode of our documentary a life with sheep there was supposed to be a do round here to celebrate it but with nobody on on speaking terms and Howard and Anthony

Constantly in tears awake would be more appropriate I’m sorry my dear I haven’t even commented on your astounding news you must be on cloud nine and to think I was the first to perceive Christopher’s wonderful qualities I look forward to meeting him again now he’s officially

Family what am I saying more family is the last thing either of us needs all my love V dear Vera so grateful that you could spare the time from the Vivid Saga of your problem family it must take you back to your days in the trailer park to

Congratulate me on being reunited with my son after all these years I’m sorry that recent events in your own life have turned you against the family personally I’m more than delighted currently to be wrapped in the bosom of My Own by the by did I mention that my daughter Leslie is is getting

Married after all Christopher and I are planning to fly out to Melbourne together for the wedding Club class his treed I’d invite you to come along and help with the catering but you must already be up to your armpits in the stew you’re in at the moment so I won’t

Add to your burdens take care my dear with love from your blissfully happy and fulfilled friend Irene dear Irene I’m a star a life with sheep is a big hit Karen and singan are reunited it’s a long story more when I have time off from dealing with all my

Congratulatory emails Dale’s TV has never had so many and they all said how empathic I was Natasha has gone to live with Howard and Anthony until their baby is born best of all I’ve been invited by Dale’s TV to host my own morning program a magazine with a daily recipe insert

Perfect have a wonderful time in ours I’m far too busy to come anyway love to you all via P.S Dale’s TV say with my abolian personality it would be good if I had a foil someone less colorful and vibrant so when you return from Oz how about it