Chapters
00:00:00 – S04E01 – 1968-02-25 – Dr Doosweet BA
00:29:43 – S04E02 – 1968-03-03 – Thoroughly Modern Willy
00:59:34 – S04E03 – 1968-03-10 – Frankenstein’s Monster
01:29:18 – S04E04 – 1968-03-17 – The Knights Of Camelot
01:58:50 – S04E05 – 1968-03-24 – Relatively Grand Prix
02:28:38 – S04E06 – 1968-03-31 – Big Broads Don’t Squeal
Originally broadcast between 1968-02-25 and 1968-06-09
Series Details
Round the Horne is a BBC Radio comedy programme starring Kenneth Horne, first transmitted in four series of weekly episodes from 1965 until 1968. The show was created by Barry Took and Marty Feldman, who wrote the first three series. The fourth was written by Took, Johnnie Mortimer, Brian Cooke and Donald Webster.
The show was the successor to Beyond Our Ken, which had run from 1958 to 1964 with largely the same cast. By the time the new series began, television had become the dominant broadcasting medium in Britain, and Round the Horne, which built up a regular audience of 15 million, was the last radio show to reach so many listeners.
Broadcast Copyright
The 50 year period of broadcast copyright under section 14(2) of the UK’s Copyright Designs and Patents Act 1988 (www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/1988/48/section/14) has expired for all items included in this collection.
My lords ladies and gentlemen top in the Bill of the old time Palace of VAR is that delectable demit of Pulsa fortitude Meo col extraordinaire Lu your mouse [Applause] pdge down tonight before your very eyes she will swallow a blazing Telegraph Pole while singing unaccompanied the entire London telephone
Directory at the same time juggling underwater with three divisions of the sea4 Highlanders in fullress uniform however she hasn’t turned up so here is a wax cylinder of round the hall And now this week’s special guest specially released from quarantine The Conjuring Guru Maharishi ismad Kingdom good [Applause] Posture hello and welcome to the show while first an apology to the bishop of wage uh I’m sorry sir I didn’t know you were in there well now then the results of last week’s picture competition in which we showed you a photograph of the House of Lords and invited you to spot the
Hippopotamus well some of you came up with novel and highly improbable suggestions as to where it might be and I think the expression on the face of the Lord Chancellor May well have misled you the uh hippopotamus was in fact in the distinguished visitors Gallery just to
The to the left of the blue noos baboon and the prize for the winning entry has been sent to Mrs em of dunroven Samaran and is as promised as promised it is an inflatable rubber Douglas Smith this I may say is indistinguishable from the real thing except for the slow
Puncture and I understand he’s having treatment for that on to the next item Smith sir right movie goong a series of radio adaptations of popular favorites from the Silver Screen if you missed them the first time now is your chance to improve your aim this week pornographic Productions in association
With Warner sisters proudly presents Dr do sweet ba the story of a man who spoke the language of animals my name is Dr D sweet VA I practice I practice in the west country and I’m getting quite good at it it’s a busy life being a country
Doctor outside of my waiting room I have a lot of patience but once in my surgery I become quite irritable I was sitting there one day I was sitting there one day idly reading my Lancet let’s see now made in Sheffield by the acne Steel Company Limited when
Suddenly the door open oh excuse me doctor there’s a case of berry berry in the waiting room oh thank you nurse I do enjoy a glass of it over lunch put it in the cellar and show in the next patient right doctor my next patient entered he
Had two fractured arms I shook him warmly by the Foot and made him sit down now then what seems to be the trouble sir I tell you doctor I’m not a well man I got aches aches everywhere me skins coming up blotchy all over I got in growing air in me
Nostrils yeah Al I got nervous disorder in me kneecaps water on me deltoids I think I’ve done a mischief to me coxic but um but how do you feel in yourself all right except for a slight cough I gave the poor fellow a placebo he wrapped it around his thin shoulders
And left and that night I was thinking about my practice over dinner I knew in my heart that I really wanted to be a vet an animal doctor I turned to my faithful parrot Amnesia played by Douglas Smith in a feather Bower and wearing a a red lber glove on his head
Oh sir must I Qui it or I’ll cut off your peanut rings come on up on the pitch oh very well I am n will teach you the language of animals doctor this was my great opportunity and now the plot really starts to thicken it certainly do I spent months and months learning
The animal language soon I had an old level and dark an a level in water vow a fish at sea level and I knew I knew enough grass snake to order a meal I began to go around the countryside treating the animals a pint for myself
And a whiskey and soda for that cow out in the field but not all the animals appreciated my doctor one day as I was passing I distinctly heard a duck say quack thank you however my young friend Sheamus trake encourage me to persevere oh keep
Going Z you all be your success now sure as The Silver hairs mountains of MN sail across the sea to gallway Bay and the little people Cobble their praties and to wearing another green big gar he was of course wilsh he introduced me to the Charming
Girl at his side sure and isn’t this me friend oili your mutter bucket oh hello do I’m coming to see how you talk to the animals oh very well I’ll give you a demonstration if you like woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof
Doctor he doesn’t seem to understand well now you always R rather a stupid cat still now you’re here you can help me open this crate that I got this morning oh oh by the green socks of Aon Andrews she’s a two-headed larma well naturally I subscribe to the two-headed llama of
The month club it’s called a push me pull you push me pull you yes for reasons I won’t go to at the moment now come let’s take it down to the Circus I knew if I could persuade the circus to exhibit the animal I would make enough money to begin my search for the giant purple prawn I spoke to the circus owner I say would you like to see my push me pull you oh right well there it is over there
Standing near my friend Sheamus now what do you think oh I’ve never seen anything like it I’ve never seen anything I’ve never seen anything like it in nor my life then you then you’ll exhibit this strange creature certainly right men into the cage with the Exotic Beast here
Get your hands off me you’re great grey leave off get off oh leave me alone you’re dirty FY s we we’ll make a fortune make a fortune showing him around the provinces to people who’ve never seen one but what about the two-headed llamas two-headed llamas we don’t get no call for
Them oh Dr do sweet the Crowds Are flocking to see Sheamus you’ll soon be rich oh please please let me come with you to search the world for the giant purple prawn I want Adventure I’m foot loose my knees aren’t too secure either very well we’ll get Sheamus back and go
And buy ourselves a boat Sheamus and I went down to the harbor there was a dirty old lugger lying beside the key he jumped up as we approached beware the albatross young sir beware the albatross their beer is cloudy and they charge Chuck prices in the
Saloon yes well thank you I’ll bear that in mind I’m looking for a vessel to go voyaging how about that one there that be a fine catcher that be known throughout the seven SE as the Saucy Douglas Smith oh big gar oh let’s go aboard and examine his bow
Sprit creek creek creek creek well done s versatile as ever thank you very much I feel it’s only fair to warn you that I’m leaking a little and I’m troubled with Barnacles on my Rudder nonsense nonsense a c ofar and you’ll be as good is new now come on everybody let’s
Explore his poop oh I say so must you shut up after a thorough investigation we decided he was seaworthy and began to lay in Provisions for our long sea Voyage 10 barrels of salt pork Five Barrels of fresh water one barrel of wavers half a ton of hard tech half a
Ton of soft Tech smid of medium Tech four butts a sack four sacks a butt 10 100 weight of corn that’s rather a lot of corn isn’t it I didn’t write the script anyway seem loaded to the gunold you all ready to go right and so I cast
Off even though I hadn’t quite finished the sleeve and we set out and we set out to search for the giant purple prawn land H land to starbo land land well it’s hardly surprising we haven’t left the harbor yet sorry I hailed dear diary it’s now 10 weeks
Since we started our Voyage Dr duu has spent most of the time leaning over the side playing 20 questions with a barnicle last night was the roughest of the voyage Sheamus lashed me to the Mast I never thought I’d last till morning thank heavens the weather was
Good I myself had abandoned my chat with the Barnacle I found it rather boring well I used to think that sir but speaking as a ship I found he grew on me that’s rather good I’ll be cloudsmith can’t I even Creek a little you’ll Creek when you’re croken to not turn up I’m
Not once complained by the great red beard of Edna O’Brien herself I must know when are we going to get there when when get where to my next funny line I’m not getting enough I’m underexposed it’s true I’m underere exposed that’s what I am I Blossom when I’m
Exposed you didn’t expect it ducky I get fan letters you know yes I do I’ve got bigger fan ma than anyone else on this show I’m not being serviced on this show properly I need servicing service all that night the storm rageed it’s a disgrace I get the service I know
My worth and you get announced as the a playe ships and Pirates all the plum Parts you haven’t heard me playing the part of a plum yet oh such a great we thought it would never end the Saucy Douglas Smith shuddered under the buffet te he’s an announcer he’s not an
Actor creek creek indeed that Douglas Smith he don’t feel it you want feelers I mean yes I feel it I do I do love yes I mean he’s don’t he don’t he don’t feel the stock market report that’s the limit of his dramatic range finally the gallon
Dogar Smith broke up and sank without Trace about time too Dawn found a Shipwrecked on an Uncharted Island I I lay exhausted on the beach gazing up at the drooping Palms they were attached to the drooping arms of several drooping natives I’ll don’t doctor they’re threatening me with their
Ay guys oh be Jus oh be Jus before you leave this to me I say you there Chief Tain now watch this white man’s magic Sheamus took out his cigarette lighter inflicted once the little flame flared and the chieftain Drew back with a gasp of Amazement oh that’s amazing my cigarette
Lighter never worked at First Time allow me to enter this my house my name is en light the is it really yeah on the isand we are all named after our favorite authors this is my wife erest Heming and this is my prime minister a nonous 18th
Century they took us to their Village in the center of the clearing with several poles they tied us to them ha you see these PS when we have a low opinion of people they are tied to them and executed I see they sort of opinion PS
They oh dear you need Blen I can’t get over well I’m ready to die particularly after that I’ve lived a full life and done everything I’ve Been Everywhere Carri Dublin County Mayo I’ve had marvelous experiences in Cork and quite a bit of fun in fo
Rubber oh go ahead and kill me see if I care go on see if I care your dirty swine the drums began to throb the natives dance wildly around us one waved a spear another wav a club yet another wave a handbag a handbag well if you can’t beat him join
Them I say listen listen doctor I’ve been dancing with them and I happen to notice that the chief’s pet arvar is sick this was the break I needed I persuaded the chief to let me examine his pet I soon discovered the cause of the illness tell
Me what is wrong with my AR well it’s nothing really he just been Ving too hard that joke is now appearing at the alambra theater leads as part of a farewell tour prior to retirement give him these pills and he’ll assume be a better oh thank youor
Thank you and as a token of my gratitude you shall be relieved oh doctor so so dop dop you’ve saved us I will hip you with jewels oh mighty doctor I will smother you with freny P Blom you shall be covered with omoko and you just stand KN deep
Ina it was umbala last time I heard it I think I’d rather not if you don’t mind look if you want to reward me there’s one thing for which I’ve searched these many years it’s obsessed me day and night I can lay that on too no no no
No it’s the giant purple prawn now where can I find it the giant purple prawn the chief Drew back a gast that’s a sort of rough native curtain there behind the Gast was the object of my search boys a tall stool of valun at last you found the giant purple
Prawn the only one left in the entire world tell us doctors a man of science what is your considered opinion of it well just a minute um just as I expected Delicious and so ends this week’s production next week we’ll be showing you something they’ve been queuing up for it’s been running in the West End for years packed to capacity yes it’s a number 12 bus whatever happens don’t miss it but if you do there’ll be another one along
In a minute and as I thought here it comes now rambling Sid rumo hello hello mer dear ear and the new for withc in my hand and a far away gleam me Kilt I’m aware this Bri the new well shouldn’t worry too much I believe
It can be cured these days I am merely being Scottish as the song that I’m about to sing is Immortal in Scottish ER and is extremely popular on Rabbi Burns night in Samar do do they celebrate Burns night in S no no rabis that’s one of the reasons for the continuing popularity of
The song they’ve never heard it you see would that I was in s it’s very encouraging of you he there’s after this fashion brightly but lously byond bunny gross and beond Bunny thrums where the mes GR in the trail where me and my lomers were ever
Prone to Spong on the bunny bunny nerds of the oh you tack your grass and I’ll tack me fex we WR our cord wangles together for me and my bogles will never be the same cuz I grunged oh me mun in the head was there that we wled in y Shady
Glenn on the steep steep turves of Ben Bader where the Deep Purple Hue completely hiid The View and the force gave us cramp in the night oh you T your I have tack me plunger we’ll walk all our LS together but your grunge starts to wilt when you’re wearing Willies Kilt and
You’re up to your Spong in the Hair and now to set your teeth ticking your nerves snapping and your head ringing it’s The Groovy way out frequ are blistering white heat of radio balls pwn Road this is Radio balls Pond Road radio’s number one Public Enemy is wonderful and now for all those swinging old age pensioners and nursing mothers who make up the bulk of our audience while the teenagers for whom it’s designed out at work we hope to bring to the studio from time
To time interesting personalities but you can’t win them all and with me now in the studio is dney Whit hello oh the big city can be a lonely place especially if you’re a young girl who lives in a bed sitter but why not go gay take up take up those boring old
Carpets and hire a sanding machine and show off those floorboards you can explain about the noise and dust to the neighbors later then rub oil or beeswax into them a really friendly neighbor won’t mind a bit through thr Jewel bright scatter cushions all over the place and get a few inexpensive but fun
Antiques bring out that old bust you’ve been hiding away for years use it as a centerpiece and show it off you’ll find you have heaps of friends you you existed thank you Deany white and now for drama lovers radio balls Pond Road proudly presents the first of a series
Of adaptations for radio of literary masterpieces today far from the maddening Julie Christie which is of course a Hardy annual it stars Dame mole Strangler and aging juvenile binky Haker bwood you yes me B what what brought you here boldwood A P You’re So flippant William I had to see you bath shba oh too late I’ve already bathed tit for t you minks you set my heart on fire B Shea you’re the prettiest woman in w w
You’ve forgotten the sex you must be joking must she marry me you tempestuous turant and all the Sheep In The Valley will dance at our waiting I can’t why not I’m too young for wedded bliss marry me and I’ll make you miserable besides besides it’s hard to choose from from
All the men in the neighborhood is there is there someone else yes yes Sergeant Troy and I are lovers you mean ever since I didn’t succeed at first it’s been try Troy and Troy Again and for Hardy lovers I’d just like to say I admire your stamina now recently I’ve been doing some research into the amazing Cult of the western men who have never been further west than London Airport at weekends strap on a gun belt and try to recreate the world
Of booill and Calamity Jane and so when I read this advertisement which said troll West young man the lazy boner Ranch welcomes you I decided to investigate and when I arrived at the ranch the sign on the gate said bringing MOS on in so I rang and
Mosed hello anybody there oh hello I’m Calamity Julian and this is my partner hop along Sandy oh hello oh oh I never why it’s Little Big Horn oh how bone AIA Dolly oi again don’t be strange trolling oh thank you so this is the lazy boner yes like
It we tarted it up like a real Western lty yeah what made you go in for this western style of living we’ve always hankered after the Grassroots hankered and pined we have haven’t we you oh yes we feel there’s a crying need in this country today for men like us to get out
Into the open open it was to fulfill this long felt want that jeel and me opened up this dude ran two up two down and one out in the yard or or as we call it the Great Outdoors yes now what’s your curriculum Mondays it’s cow punching Tuesdays it’s Bronco basting
Wednesdays Buffalo wrestling and Thursdays that’s flower arranging you’d never believe it Mr horn but s can do things with two Aram Lis and a cactus make your eyes pop eyes eyes [Applause] and I believe that while you’re here you adopt a western name western names yes
As you can see by my drag I thank you I I model myself on that tough Western Desperado Jesse [Laughter] Matthews shouldn’t that be Jesse James I know what I’m doing it’s no good Mr he’s like that I tried to tell him I tried I told him
That that floral out in the veil was all wrong well Jesse Jesse was wanted by the sheriff yes for Robin Train’s not trolling about impersonating Mrs Dale but who is Julian supposed to be you might well ask who I am Bill Hickok wild outrage no well I like the coy
See I mean you can’t beat a check shirt high heill boots and a pair of rough Shaggy chests I have I have no comment to make it this time well now you’re here we’ll have to fix you up with some Western drag how do you see him Jewel
Oh I see them all in the black all the black yes black shirt black Levis Levi won’t mind L is yes you can say that again and a black 10g hat yes with wax fruit on it oh yes yes like Marlan detri IND destri Rides Again yes the black’s
Nice it comes lovely in the black Mr horn it really does no does is always safe in Black safe in Black that’s true black oh on the other hand we could T him up like lawn Green Lawn green Green in Bonanza Bon Bonanza please yourself certainly got the Ponder Roa
For it and we’ll teach you all your actual simple Western Pursuit such as making a lasso how’d you do that creep up on her when she’s not looking and pinching oh he’s a scream oh M rolls me and fit he does me too no he does though
Now you’ll be wanted to know about your sleeping Arrangement yes well jeel Banks over there I bank over here and then you bank over there your pillow will be a saddle you’re only covering a horse blanket but if you hear anything in the night don’t move why not
You’re sharing it with yours lovely [Applause] there well that’s it for this week but before we Mosey along here’s this week’s motto which is those who can do those who can’t well bad luck see you [Applause] next that was round the horn starting Kenneth horn with Kenneth Williams hu padic and Betty Maron on the musical side you heard the max Harris group the script was written by Barry to Johnny Mortimer and Brian Cook and Donald Webster the program is produced by John [Applause] [Applause] Simmons [Applause] don’t come near me with that thing no no not one more step you fiend in human form no I tell you nothing shall D my spirit or cow my manhood oh give him a line and he’s the way come bold Northland Southampton to come duesbury and Noble Somerset Brave
Clifford gaun and fair Lord exitor time M 4’s doger finished West brage albian Preston North endend Bristol City go get on with it stop hanging it out all right graceful isn’t it I thought if I went on long enough I wouldn’t have to say ladies and gentlemen it’s R the hall [Applause] and here now is this week’s special guest flown in all the way from RD pindy sister Maria conchella orti the uni cycling none well hello and welcome to the show first of all an apology in an earlier News Bulletin it was stated that the minister of transports Hobby is panting in
Oil this of course was a mistake it should have been panting in watercolors but um H here now is a review of the day’s programs later today the be floodlit maleo cheese frotting from the wild drawers Hall followed by this land is mine a tone poem by Charles claw
And to complete your entertainment even song comes to you from a felt tent on the Great Barrier Reef walam Stone well now then these days there’s a lot of exciting activity going on in the cinema indeed it’s sometimes hard to keep your eyes on the film anyway in this series we’ve decided to
Recreate on radio some of your popular favorites from the Silver Screen in a feature we call rather daringly I think movie go wrong how do they think of them honestly it’s amazing isn’t it Smith sir yes and now porographic Productions your fun pornographic with a h oh yeah orographic Productions in association
With 20th century Waterville present Thoroughly Modern Willie the time the Roaring 20s which came as you remember shortly after the faintly squeaking tens the place New York and my name is ulses batter pudding quite a normal name I’m an aspiring actor and I’ve come up to the
Big city looking for a roll that I can really get my teeth into now try one of mine an should be paste and chir I turned to my new pound friend he was a short thick set man with a ruddy complexion and a wide toothless smile that’s a letter box you
Fool I’m over here oh yes hello hello my name is Willie Willie cloth fumbler I I’m a modern yes a modern I’m a gay young thing I now stop Ming I plan to fling myself into the hly Bly and show my rasm aab that’s what I’m going to do cast
Aide convention and emancipate myself see look at my modern clothes straw boter skin coat Celluloid Dicky trousers trousers with 28 in Bottoms yes what you might call a turn up for the book what a witch oh yes I told Willie I was looking for I told Willie I was looking for a
Room and he suggested I try his hotel he offered me a lift in his brand new shiny Red Rooster I I I think that should be Roadster oh it’s my mistake I’m sorry we arrived at the hotel I looked up at the sign outside it said the B we
Hotel for single young gentleman proprietor Nemesis Goose habit white slaver to the tray hello Mr Goose habit this is my friend ulys batter pudding he needs accommodating welcome young Master young Master welcome to the B we hotel for single young jent do you mind answering a few
Questions I’ll be glad to yes right yes or start off a 10 are you alone in the world without relatives to make a f should you by some Mis chance be doped and smuggled away in a laundry bar Ki by Sinister orientals uh yes right your music bonus for six who wrote handles
Water Music cheap called handles water that is true sign the register you’re in room next to Willie on the 12th floor nice oh we picked up my bags and crossed to the Antique lift played rather resentfully by Douglas Smith with cables attached to his ears come on press his
Button and we’ll go up there’s no use jabbing away at my button sir I’m not normal for a lift that is an old dancing pro ruined my inner workings now you have to do a little dance before I go up oh really right willly after two Two my job is’s working yes he’s going up the first floor the second the third the fourth keep it up keep it up there Amazing incidentally shouldn’t we have got inside oh anyway I settled in and that evening Willie and I came Downstairs there was a a gay frivolous party being thrown in the lounge she introduced herself hello Darlings I’m natural also Bland yes allow me to introduce my friend oh yes as I look at him one question Springs to mind will he that’s the question oh oh oh you gorgeous creature
Let me let me plant a kiss on those Beast lips yeah get off good all there’s nothing in my contract says I got to be put up with being moulded She Don’t Know Her Own Strength at Betty mes I’ve been round to her place she ain’t got she ain’t got a
Telephone book in one piece you don’t think I’m enjoying this D you it’s in the script look kiss him Passionately is that supposed to be a passionate kiss I’ve seen all passion in a sink plunger I’m sorry ja I’m sorry ducky it lacks reality I’m not one to complain but really I’m an actor of international stature I mean my agent says I strad the entertainment world like a Colossus
Yes well we all saw follow that Camel you were very good nice yeah it’s a shame the humps didn’t fit you better oh jealous envious en right all right that’s quite enough yes meanwhile back at the plot enter Nemesis Goose habits and not before time ah Ulisses you did
Say nobody would miss you if you watch it disappear from the face of the Earth that’s true yes good good good sit on the edge of this open laundry basket and have a glass of drag SAS spilla well perhaps I should have been suspicious but I tasted the SAS Barella yes
Yes and suddenly everything went black I didn’t know what I was doing yes we’ve all heard that one before I fell into the basket of washing as goose habit picked up the laundry list um let’s see now yes five blue hankies three green skirts one white slave
Good I see I see Willie he’s Wheeling the basket away it serves him right I found myself in a filthy back room at the Wango dos house and BBC rehearsal rooms I lay inside the laundry basket breathing in short pants and feeling a little shirty suddenly the lid opens there you
Are Mr one f one white slave in good condition 3 months guarantee regularly serviced one owner a little old lady who only used him on Sunday aha ah so he will fetch good place on slave man good Heavens to n Ginsburg back from the past no no no not similar voice agreed but
Completely different characterization completely different you could have flued me no in Chinatown I am known as one one I am a powerful mandolin don’t you mean Mandarin I mean a mandolin is a a long thin neck thing with which broadens out into a great wide Bas
And yes I see what you mean yeah but before you are sold into slavery a little entertainment see I summon delectable Oriental nymph given to me by and Ginsburg in part exchange for tattered copy of the bino Aloo it is I Lotus Blossom Mistress of a thousand
Delights one of which requires 48 hour notice what Horrors were in store for me was I to end up as the play thing of jaded pallets a beautiful toy to divert tired business women meanwhile back at the hotel my friends were beginning to worry about me yeah Willie that friend
Of yours you listen the one with the wide Center parting I’m I’m awfully awfully worried about him gone off me have you no but there’s something about a pipe clenched between strong white teeth that does something to a girl yeah this makes you look like Al garet anyway never mind about him what
About me I’m young my sap is rising I I want to live not just part of me all of me I want to eat goldfish I want to stroll down Broadway swinging my Mala I want to go out yes I I want to go out
And squat on a flag pole I want to I want to do things and see things and feel things just it you and me baby let’s go out and throw caution to the winds I’ll get you in the stalk Club no no oh no no wi we must think of ulyses
Where could they possibly have taken him the Devils had me stretched out on the rack already I was 10′ 6 and I wondered how much longer I could go then they subjected me to the most fish torture known to man come let us Blossom perform your senous Oriental
Dance which thives men mad with passion right oh God black botom a new twister it sure got and sister they jump in and give all Day I can take no more I’ll do anything you say ah he has broken I’ll go and put a kettle on yeah might suit you now what do you want of me and these other poor wretches I will tell you we intend to put you all into cold storage
And fleas you fleas us fleas you yes in a refrigerator yeah and in 45 years time I will throw you out again and then watch you f and then we make a fil about the 1920s your quaint Claws and strange mannerisms will make everybody laugh I will make small fortune you
Underestimate public taste you know we shall see there he is we found him CIS a woman with an incredibly handsome well-dressed intelligent man at her side yes we fooled you when and even your brilliant mind Charming Manner and devastating good looks will not save you you now listeners May well have gathered from
This rather sickening dialogue that Kenneth Williams is playing both parts well if you got it you might as well show it I’ve got it stand back you will not foil my plan completely so who saying he produced a loaded saof J stick and held us a bay
While he bundled one of captives into a rickshaw that was waiting in the alley with its running with a fish laugh he rode off into the night with her he’s Left Behind the poor girl’s hand begag see her name is inside yes I fear we’ll never hear of poor little Julie Andrews [Applause] again and now for a brand new look at the fabulous world of the modern with it great to be alive swinging free range youth of Britain today we bring you Fab gear switched on Rave up livein freak out radio balls Pond Road BS Pond Road is
Wonderful from time to time we hope that the balls Pond roads own P laor at rambling Sid rumo will be unable to pop in but unfortunately said today finds him here by my side at the microphone rambling City hello m come wow at grup and ring me down
Derry for the bee is on the Clover and the Death Watch beetle is in the old man’s bog wart well hadn’t you better tell him he’ll find out soon enough and one of you got in your Gander bag for us this week she’s an old Cornish Drinking Song and is sung on
Goose fettle Eve by the itinerant constables at they Parts when all the Jolly motorists come staggering out of the pub and drive off into the police Cordon its alternative title is green is the color of my true love’s breathalyzer and it goes after this fashion spritely and Furtively there is an AER in the town in the town where I can put my mes down put them down and my Spong for a very modest fee and plight my artifacts to thee the well for I must nerle do not let your BOS curdle for I know that you must
Wordle in the old M stre ad you ad you Friends ad you ad you ad you I can no longer work it through work it I’ll dip my GRS in the nur’s looming trough and wait till my Bing Fork drops off Thank you raming s this is Radio balls Pond Road Scot is Wonderful and you’ll be able to hear balls Bond Road’s number one DJ zesty chesty Di and D ceased [Applause] Hello two peanuts walking down the street one was insulted don’t you mean assulted don’t confuse me I’m new at the job still still can’t be bad better and for you stay at home moms from 10 to 12 it’s Jimmy sponge hello great to be here knowing you’re there
All you Wonderful Wonderful House five so just keep sending your fabulous postcards saying how much you like the show and making your super terrific phone calls telling me what the weather’s like in Dr witch and now stand by as in 2 minutes I’ll be giving you
Another of my loen recipes but now by way of a change hairs me to sing to you they try to tell me I’m Jim sponge Spong is wonderful now a word from the controller of radio BPR Liberty bodies with a hyphen too for advice on modern living radio balls Pond Road has
Acquired the exclusive Services of Daphne white thigh in O Couture circles hemlines are causing a great deal of confusion again kage is pulling them up Harel is pulling them down Quant is keeping them where they are a number of top models are wearing Maxes and Max SE is
Lied but for those of you with any doubts about skirt lengths my advice is this wear a mini if you’re a young girl if you’re a boy don’t oh thank you D and I one of our other programs for drama lovers each week a gripping adaptation of a major work of
Literature this week the for Saga starring Eric Pon and nari born yesterday hello SS hello IR how’s Flur fine how’s John fine and how’s old Jolan and young jolian and Timothy and Holly and Bel Dy and Michael Mont and Mrs Dy and M profond and gradman and uncle swi
And George and monu Dy and Paul both d ban AR as well as can be expected considering they’re dead dead not dead and gone yes SS all dead and gone and young Roger yes and very young Roger and very very young Roger no good there isn’t
One it’s odd to think they’ve all gone and yet we are still here why do you think that is IR why do you think we are still here when they’ve all gone it’s because we were booked for the Series today we have in the studio the amazing grty how’ you do now could you tell us uh about your most unusual call oh yes I most certainly could well let me put it another way what uh what is your unusual profession I am a sneezer man a sneez a
Man May so I’ve always had the gift of being able to sneeze at will and I performed before many of the crowned heads of Europe and Bey some of them as well as many as the time royalty have invited me to their hes to sneeze for them privately at some great function
Yeah what what you actually do in your act Mr gr Mr amazing grty if you please your great ignorant simpleton oh I’m sorry I I sure you it won’t happen again well then yes your mouth my I sneeze at things it’s all done with nostril control h yes I
Am I have been gifted by Mother Nature with this remarkable UTA that you see before you remarkable isn’t it that’s beautiful it’s insured for the vast sumon Green Stamps good heaven now I believe you’re going to give us a demonstration I should be glad I be glad
To demonstrate observe yes he’s on to it that fell there observe observe my lady assistant enters bour ladies and gentlemen my Joe isn’t that Mar teres margarit de R called no it’s a mold oh my assistant lady will now place a curiously rought candy laam on that
Ornate table at a distance of some 40 m thank you my dear thank you she will now I’ll light the three candles has anyone got a match you are oh bless you Governor you won’t regret this right now the candles having been kindled I shall now attempt to
Extinguish them one at a time from this very spot without moving my lips that’s true two shoot last I missed well not altogether you blown the band parts off the piano and stopped the studio clock oh I’m sorry about that but not being used to the venue I confess I
Did not allow for the draft I shall attempt it once more true true well go on oh I can’t I wrecked myself oh I may never sneeze again it’s all your dirty out for this time thank you for coming along likeed you come along again sometime [Applause]
Yeah and now the time is going B and over to our new studio for the local headlines Lord Angel bre midfoot caught his finger in a deck chair early today he was 63 now he is 64 a Denmark Street spokesman today denied the rumor that Frank hior went to
A health farm some months ago and emerged recently as Engelbert hink they are just similar phenomena he ejaculated the other day I thought I’d try a spot of Transcendental Meditation so I talled down to a little gurum mat I know in the King’s Road the sign on the door said levitate
The latch and enter so I levitated and entered hello is anybody there oh hello I’m Julian this is my friend Sandy oh Sandy or or as we have it my Guru I’m Miss Guru Guru yes well Mr Owen is it your desire to attain your actual bone
Our inner Tranquility Mr RI of course it is it is wouldn’t be here else would he well that that was my intention now tell me why is Sanders sitting like that ah ah yes that’s a very good question well he’s he’s he’s a fourth week student you see four week fourth week
Yes see uh sand has taken up the two third Nirvana position is you sand it’s what we call the bean sprout pose he’s got a lovely style isn’t he not the ju to position of his lelles yeah uh does it hurt only when I smile be
Typically so you’d like to have a POI about the Inner Light would you yes B oh good well for a start perceive a Oneness in all the universe that’s what you have to do without this everything and everyone is as not am I right you are
Right I’ll just get my leg over a oh oh you’re right Jews yes without the actual recognition of that you are NY NY NY as NY NY but once you attain the true V the true V you are at one at one the true V
I am he as he is me and we are them together we are them together we are them together but it uh sounds like the dagum girl Pipers to me oh you saiso oh n the mockers now don’t come the mockers now on the mat get on the mat get in the
Position get into the position jewel is now demonstrating oh don’t worry don’t worry you’ll find it a bit odd at first then we all do don’t no no please please we’re on the wavelength right now just relax relax relax relax the ego is as not that’s what Sam mean close the eyes
Think within Radiance in a cleanliness Open the Eyes Ying is Yang is is looking better already now NY the Grinny Mr n the grinning now then the true smile will seep up from within from within relax the lies now relax there there there now Jewel Jewel will you have a V at that
You have oh he is transmogrified transmog how’ you feel Mr well it’s extraordinary I feel as though I having a V at something magical and forbidden something normally hidden from mankind you mean your actual lotus flower well not exactly there’s a light on in the lady’s sauna bars across the street oh
When he B Well that brings us to the end of the show except for this week’s motto which is if you can laugh at adversity and smile when everyone else is in despair if you can grin as disaster piles on disaster and the world crumbles around you you’re probably Harold Wilson Cheerio see you next That was round the horn starting Kenneth horn with Kenneth Williams hu Pedic and Betty maren on the musical side you heard the max Harris group the script was written by Johnny Mortimer and Brian Cook and Donald Webster and the whole was put together by Barry Tu the pieces
Around the H were produced by John Simmons I can’t do it I can’t do it I tell you I can’t go pull yourself together man stop sniveling I don’t one to have to slap your face again we’ve got to keep going you knew it wouldn’t be pleasant when you signed on think of your loved ones
Back home think of tea time in grest think of Honey on the sideboard the perfect Rose Edith mut bucket or an old army blanket all the things you hold dear king and country honor and tradition peace and plenty Bonnie and Clyde assault B Wilson Keele and Betty
You’re right you’re right I’ll do it I’ll go and face them I’ll take everything they can throw at me I’ll make the announcement ladies and gentlemen round the Hole And here is this week’s special guest flown in all the way from Puerto Karo the whistling Imam Moe Gwen Douglas Hugh hello and welcome to the show now first uh late sports result now this was delayed due to trouble with our teleprinter but here it is Wist Blom aluman one menester unsighted
Two apparently there was an exciting incident in the second half when the grul keeper poled in the penalty area and the referee took down his Bion shaft so on to your letters now Mrs PJ of wilon writes to ask for a lock of my hair I uh I have to decline owing to
Circumstances Beyond My Control in fact I’ve only ever sent a lock of hair to one admirer and that was a lady in land didno and if she’s listening well I’d like it back again on to the next item the latest in our movie go wrong series Smith sir pornographic Productions and Association pornographic
Production in association with J Arthur rank Outsider present Frankenstein’s monster meets Dracula the werewolf the mummy and the creature from 20,000 feather The time is 1850 or 10 to 7 as we say in England my name is lynon Banes sink plunger I live in Bloomsbury and as our story opens I was toasting a muffin go very good health muffin thank you yes and you too and uh there came a knock at the door
Oh Mr sink plunger you must help me you must my name is George well there’s not a lot I can do then is there let me finish my name is Georgina Clapper Clapper the name rang a bell I’d heard of the family renowned athletes all nobody could run like the clappers
What can I do for you my dear it’s my brother Engelbert he’s disappeared under mysterious circumstan I see well now this sounds for like a job for a skilled detective have you have you tried homes oh yes yes Dr Bernardo the old people from the battery dogs he’s not at any of
Them I heard you were about to set out for Transylvania that’s where Englebert disappeared oh Mr sink planger take me with you I can of the matter Transylvania was no place for a defenseless fragile creature with delicate sensibilities like me and I might as well take this sturdy
Young woman along for protection we decided to start our journey at once I paused only to throw something into a gladston bag why are you throwing me into a gladston bag well I can’t afford tickets for both of Us the scene changes to a c CLE in Transylvania locked in an underground laboratory Mr Smith just a minute yes sir you deliberately used the American pronunciation for a cheap laugh didn’t you yes sir well Done continue thank you very much locked in an underground laboratory a certain Baron Frankenstein is busy with his beastly exped yeah they said it couldn’t be done by man but I’m doing it see see see in this test tube I add a little of this powder to the bubbling
Liquid I pour in the contents of this container then a milligram of this white liquid there you see monster a superb CAA Coco do you want some no thank you master Rush my terminals right then then I shall proceed with my experiment come monster lend me a hand yes
C no I meant assist me you fool let us check that everything is in order operating table straps electrical devices helpless Maiden where’s the helpless Maiden oh Lord quite memory on oh how can I perform my work without proper facilities I the great Baron Frankenstein DSC mad oh get out of my
Way I shall go and find a helpless Maiden Myself meanwhile Miss cler and I had arrived in the sleepy little Transylvania Village of dudas spitz we entered the we entered the ancient Inn which was named after the Duke of orange or to give the Continental name duck Al orang a figure loomed from the Shadows wrapped from head to toe in ancient
Strips of linen it held a curiously colored ushabti in its hand it spoke I bring a warning from the Pharaohs a warning from the Pharaohs souly Gales are expected spreading later to Fair talk H and fin yes thank you it’s just as well to know these things now tell me
Where’s the inkeeper that is me I’m also the inkeeper good afternoon you are welcome to do the splits not just now thank you later perhaps but uh first a meal now what have you good in keeper I can over the lady my C Veno lovely any chance of a good full bodied
Wine certainly I’ll lock the dog out we dined well and later on he helped me carry my bags to my room I was quite surprised these days it’s difficult to get a mommy’s help but after he after he left I stood at the window gazing at the full moon and suddenly I
Began to change into something horrible a pair of s pajamas I’ve been given for Christmas and then I heard something creaking it’s the plot if you ask me there the corner was a secret panel it opened I closed it it opened again I closed it again well I don’t mind I
Quite enjoy panel games yeah stop Ming about let me in you know who I am good grief those staring eyes that white face those incredible teeth it’s kenon no of course it is it’s me I’m Count Dracula I’ve come to to make an appeal for blood
Donors T back I have something in my hand that will frighten off any of your sort it’s a lucky rabbi’s foot I think that’s a misprint is it shouldn’t it oh oh my mistake E I ain’t got time to make about come on give us your throat come on
Don’t be shy never never I backed away from him making the sign that all vampire’s dread oh you rude thing he disappeared through the panel leaving behind a faint odor of graveyards and lily of the valley I bundled Lily into the panel after I decided I couldn’t spend another
Moment in that Dreadful room I went out into the corridor where I passed a restless night so Dy Gro as it happened couldn’t you sleep over he was a tall stly figure holding his head proudly under his left arm I never sleep I’m doomed to walk these corridors
Forever suching suching well I think it’s down there to the right actually but um before you go tell me have you seen anything of my traveling companion Mr Clapper now that you mention it I did see a young lady in the carridor she was bound and gagged and
Being stuffed into a Sick by a m scientist who didn’t think anything of it at the time good grief who was he Baron Frankenstein I believe he’s notorious and he got the biggest loss in this part of the country there was no time to lose I ran
Through the night which was rather rude of me I Suppose outside a special effects man raged I headed for the castle I could only hope I would be in time Oh oh Baron Frankenstein why have you locked us both in this laboratory why have you strapped me to this operating table well my dear it’s not generally known but I have a monster I need replacements for you from time to time you understand spares you might say you
Are a woman of many parts some of them useful to me I can use that part that part I I can’t use that part but that part’s not bad no no I’ll let me go me I see I shall have to resort I shall have to resort to a gang a to sick
Passenger tell me sir have you got vertigo passenger no only as far as Birmingham yes I thought that would quieten You I myself had struggled off the Steep Mountain track fending off werewolves with my amulet zombies with my Talisman and encyclopedia salesman with my credit rating I stood outside looking up at the castle incidentally for my many fans I Douglas Smith am playing the castle I stand athwart the Mountaintop solid
Immovable I am a tall gray Bastion well I don’t think anybody will argue with that Smith now come on drop your drawbridge and let me in oh very well creek creek Creek a hideous creature lurched towards me reaching out with his great hairy hands he spoke of cost you off a CR to
See around this tightly Douglas Miss Mister oh very fair here you are thank you a straight ahead is a fine example of a Gothic Courtyard and on the lift you can see the Crypt I don’t know if you’d care to creep in not just now thank you no please yourself now
Continuing our tour we have on the right the secret underground laboratory of Baron Frankenstein this this was what I’d been waiting for I pushed the monster aside a scene that met my gaze sent a chill through my marrow and it didn’t do much for my Brussel sprouts
Either Miss Clapper was held on an operating table by a steel band oh thank heavens you’ve come Mr sink plunger this foul fi was about to power fiend fiend fiend what sort of way is that to talk about me just because I’m a mad scientist do you
Think I don’t feel I feel as much as anybody I feel I feel more I feel more than some do you think I don’t so in the night as I twist and turn on my P ass there there now there I didn’t want to be a mad scientist mommy wanted it
For me I wanted to be a mad green grer St and B his head in hands come Miss Clapper let us continue the search for your brother Engelbert never mind brother Engelbert you shall not leave monster stop them yes master yes stay still stay where you are out oh oh
Look those electrodes buried in his neck those crud Stitches the shaven skull the wires hanging from his nostrils oh Englebert you haven’t changed to [Applause] the [Applause] So ends this week’s production now next week we’ll be showing you the film of the Olympic trials in which our old friends the over 80s nudist Lea frog team were strongly fancied well um I’m tell we can’t expect their performance to have its usual Rhythm as one of their
Members had to scratch at the last minute now today a group of us are gathered around the piano in an attempt to recreate the atmosphere of the bygone days when people entertain themselves or before Radio 1 as it’s known now the song we’ve chosen is by n coward it’s a
Masterly composition reflecting the current thought that here in Britain things could get worse before they get better they outer sorts in Sunderland and terribly cross in Kent there dull in Harland in the aisle of mar seating with discontent they’re nervous in Northland and de is down the drain they’re filled with wroth
On the F of fourth and Sullen on Sal PL in dobling their depressed Lads maybe because they’re KS for Drake is going west L everyone else hooray hooray hooray here to say are bad times just around the cor the horizons gloomy as can be there are black birds over the
Grayish Cliffs of over and the rats are preparing to leave the be we see we are an unhappy breed and very bored indeed when reminded of something that Nelson said and while the press and the politicians nag nag nag wait until we drop down dead from cwin Bay to kering they’re
Sobbing themselves to sleep the shrieks and whales of the Yorkshire Dales have even depressed the sheep and raw the vulgar lettering a very disgruntled group have posted bills on the cot Hills to prove that we’re in the soup while begging Kipling’s pardon there’s one thing we know for sure if england is
A garden we all have more manure hoay and are bad times just around the we can all look forward to despair it’s as clear as Crystal from brington to Bristol that we can’t save democracy and we don’t much care if the Reds and the pinks believe that England stinks
And that World Revolution is bound to spread we better all learn the lyrics of the old red flag and wait until weop down aely story of Hope and Glory until [Applause] [Applause] [Applause] We and now to make your jump with fright the Mary Celeste of the local radio stations radio blls Pond R is wonderful today I have sitting next to me Harvey schmalz the theatrical agent who until recently was handling the lovely Gro sisters and fairly enjoying it Kenny boy too I’ll say but tonight I’d like to tell you about my new discovery Jonathan trollx
So so folks in the Kenny I tell you he’s the biggest think to it show business in that CH with the glasses met the one with a short fat ay legs oh yes yes Gilbert and salivan I must say I haven’t heard of this lad of yours haven’t you I got his
Publicity end out here Kenny I’ll read you a bit if you like Jonathan came from a poor but humble family they didn’t and even have a bath in the house I suppose you want me to give him a plug appreciate it Kenny Bo anyhow Jonathan wandered about the
Country trying to get his hands on all folk oh should have been old folks songs already is that partner of mine on a cash register is good on a tyr is a right smack finger here Kenny did you read about Jonathan’s daring leap into the attemps to rescue a drowning puppy last
Wednesday all the papers covered it they did I don’t remember reading it no oh my life it’s not till next Wednesday so is that partner of yours oh that’s right he’s a fool but to get back to Jonathan what a future he’s got the old Arvey SMS organization behind him both of
Us Monday he cuts his first disc Tuesday his secret wedding if we want to be there Wednesday he rescue us a drowning puppy that’s right Thursday we start filming his life story there’s only one thing missing what’s that we haven’t actually found anyone to be Jonathan twx yet
Don’t suppose you know anybody I’m in two spots size d guitar I’ll I’ll have a look around for you yes and now and now from the fashion front back and sides Dean white thy report hello oh the gangster look is still terribly in and now there are some
Wonderful accessories to go with the fabulous clothes for cocktail parties there’s a handbag shaped like a hand grenade and for football matches a hand grenade shaped like a handbag for the younger woman there’s a costan’s latest dress idea it’s simply three paste on flowers very reasonable at three guine exlan diagram 10 guine
Extra ceran is trying to extend the idea for men one flower for a guinea yes yes my darlings but I don’t think it’ll catch [Applause] on not on me it won’t thank you Deany Whitey now next week we’ll be looking into see-through blouses and now now balls Pond Road’s own poet La at rambling Sid rumo hello M de and what have you for us in your Gander bag this week is a lyrical and davious dty that
Sung throughout lised bu the dwindling band of Essex groaners as they caught their swains a Swain you know is a cross between a snake and a pig oh horber as ugly as Sin they are but you do get marvelous streaky bacon lovely really lovely I can see
That got you going anyway my Dy goes after this fashion warmly and trippingly there was a jolly grunger man who lived in Lois stof he nered his Spong from Monty leave and developed a nasty cough he gred and wled from M till even this was Airy shout oh I cannot
Woggle my artifacts while the constables about and an his colleague replies after this fashion but why my Jolly Grandeur man from famous loest t why should you fear the Constable to whom you’re at you’ve doed for you can Wuggle your artifacts and ask no reason why
Oh but grunge as quietly as you can till the cones pass By thank you rambling said without whom the show would have been possible and now for drama lovers the balls Pawn Road repy company presents an except from portrait of a marriage by Ethel M goat breth it stars Dame Celia mol Strangler and aging juvenile Binky Huck Charles what is it fer Charles Charles what’s happened to us well you made some cocoa while I took the dog for a walk then we played happy families I don’t mean in the last 10 minutes I mean what’s happened to us whatever happened to our hopes our fears
Our dreams our Ambitions our plans our enthusiasms our expectations our our our our go on I can’t that just Haun the words oh true we’ve lost something something’s gone lost and gone is it is it irretrievable Charles is it irrevocable irreversible indisoluble is it irresoluble I don’t know F it’s either that or
Irus did we want too much did we dream dreams hope hopes desire desires Bisk Bisk I don’t know Charles and yet I’m certain I don’t know either yet I too sure sure positive certain definite unequivocal categorical in dous doubtless fanatical IND doctrinaire and yet uncertain Can’t We Begin
Again can we oh can’t we I suppose we can we must we will oh Charles oh Charles does it mean we are going to start again yes my darling yes yes yes here you have Master bun the baker’s son thank you Charles I’ve always wanted [Applause] him well in spite of the weather they’re still at it in the Alps I was uh develop ing my biceps the other day picking up the Sunday Times from the front doorm when I noticed the Alpine skiing reports now one report went like this the other one concerned Captain Reggie Probert who
It seems did remarkably well for Britain by coming 73rd in the downhill race and that was the ladies event too the thought of pressed me no end and I decided there and then that I’d do my bit at backing Britain by learning to
Ski so I decided to pay a visit to a ski school I know just off the King’s Road and the sign on the door said boner indoor ski school agitate the cowbell and enter so I agitated and entered hello anybody there oh hello I’m Julian this is my friend s oh why
It’s oh lovely thank you how bone at a v Dolly o deque again don’t be strange troll right in now welcome to your actual indoor past that is your actual French p means your your track or your slope now where is the slope oh there’s no
Actual slope no no actual slope no NY NY you’re slope oh n no I mean you could break your lelles couldn’t you not you in this is now you see this is more your at pre skis at pre pre pre yes if you want your actual athletic exercise part
You’ll have to troll over to Rudy’s L I wouldn’t advise it though at it like knives they are no not at your age Mr dacky so steeve why even Rudy’s taking a few tosses and he yes quite a few yes yes oh no no now we provide more Rel
At Rudies you get disciplined you do squatting around to your L’s a oh eight and the height oh the great height yes you need to be about 18 with whopping great FES start all that don’t 20 20 20 the outside it more for your mature om yeah
Well you’ve convinced me now so what do you offer weate if you’re entirely if you’re evening trade or your app after six your app trade ceas you see the boner gear you see well have a f around the racks chunky chunky but sweaters in oil wool they come lovely in the oiled
Wool oh oh they do they really do or they jates with pom poms Long John’s in Pastor colors I never listen to gossip duck see if you’re if you’re dressed right it’s half the battle half the battle yes first week you’ll learned the bit of practical yodling you’re a l you’re a l
Lady yeah oh yeah you Jew your voice is broken that was me was it oh you oh I thought it sounded a bit night in a Bear Mountain well then there’s your ski waxing stamping around in later hose Cristiana turns without ski yes your ultraviolet sandbars to
Give your eek the outdoor glow plaster cast to wear on the train back autographed by your leading Debs and instructors it’s all worked out you see heart face it’s all worked out yes Dad cancel the milk and you’re away yes but I was thinking more of the
Actual sport now won’t you teach me to ski a week with astres teaches you everything you need to know about how to be able to winter sports indeed what you play your cards right you’ll never have to ski No in fact in fact you won’t get the chance I [Applause] didn’t [Applause] Well that’s all except for this week’s thought which is this if you were Cast Away on a desert island with a loaded shotgun which eight disc jockeys would you take with you Cheerio see you next Week that was round the horn starting Kenneth horn with Kenneth Williams Hugh pck and Betty Maron on the musical side you have the max Harris group The Script is written by Barry to Johnny Mortimer and Brian Cook and Donald Webster the program is produced by John Simmons as we have a few moments in hand before the next program here is a warning to all [Applause] [Applause] shipping thank you and for my next impression a BBC announcer performing a rather distasteful Duty ladies and gentlemen round the hall hello and welcome to the show first a late sports result Lions three Christian nil and now an apology in last week’s program we said that sir Armitage bad
Likes to go and feel the pigeons in tfala square well this uh this of course was a typographical error it should have been feel the pigeons in so ho Square none of which brings us to the results of last week’s complete the title competition now the first title we
Asked you to complete was the girl with green yes your yes the correct answer was eyes though I must congratulate the very Reverend ignacius dangle for an inspired if highly improbable guess now the other title was the man with the golden and uh this produced such a
Volume of maale that I haven’t been able to sort through it particularly as my secretary is away suffering from shock Smith announced the next item chant what chant you promised I could do my bit first you promised Granny’s listening specially oh very well go on thank you
Sir as I walk down the Country Lane I hear the birds twittering and look here comes Rover the dog woof woof hello Ro and Yonder I spy Brock the badger oh he’s gone just as well really I can’t do badges but see here comes Nelly the cow
Moo moo look coming towards us John the producer carrying your notice to quit oh well um perhaps I better announce the latest in our movie go wrong series a film adaptation to stir the heart Quicken the pulse and agitate the panum pornographic Productions in association with British Mouse proudly present the Knights of Camelot this is the story of King Arthur the man who told the sea to go back while he watched the spider burning the cakes they don’t exactly go in for historical accuracy do they we open with a panoramic view of King Arthur’s seat in glorious color Yes Camelot in the narrow streets
Bold Knights flaunt their escots and serving maidens hang out their wimples to dry I’m playing Arthur I’m I spent a happy Boyhood roaming about in Oak Forest and Poppy Wood Iris wood too sometimes mostly it was poppy it was on one of these childhood jauns that I first discovered my mighty Excalibur I
Douglas Smith play the part of Excalibur The Shining salt I’m buried up to my pommel in Granite I was skipping down the Woodland path with puppies in my hand when suddenly stay stay stay young Master young master young Master you Williams I I thought Hugh Paddock was playing Merlin yeah
Well he was but I wouldn’t have come in till page five you see so we did a swap I’m doing Merlin I’ve told him he can play Grand fattic but we’re not doing grand fattic this week shut up he don’t know that and he reads his own
Lines St young master see this Douglas Smith buried in the granite now is your chance if you can pull it out you shall you shall be king I gripped The Thing by its curiously carved hilts I say do be careful and with one Mighty heave I dislocated my shoulder but I had the
Sword Excalibur was mine of course many years have passed since then now I sit at the round table my Gallant knights around me sir G the gentle Knight sir insomnia the sleepless Knight My Le by your leave I crave a boon certainly there a plate of them
Over there butter Boons C Boons no s I seek an opportunity to show off my Daring Do I haven’t ding done for weeks very well I decree that a grand tney be held my knight shall go out into the field wearing full armor and carrying heavy Shields you shall tilt
And some of you may even fall over hold hold hold I demand that you hold I held who are you Intrepid night with a pointed black face I ain’t got me helmet on you fool I am selot yes I am samin the pure night oh of course of course I dubbed you myself
Yeah for the for the foreign language markets um what do you want melot I have heard of the exciting Deeds Done by your bold company and I wish to take up my position on the round table a deadly silence fell mainly because the producer had cut
The next line later that day I hurried to see my court magician Merlin eye of Newt and toe of frog wool of bat and tongue of d greeting s care for a sandwi no thank you Marin just a minute Kenneth Williams was playing Merlin just
Now yes I know but the less said about him and his little devices the better grunt anyway Merlin I come to you because I need counsel I’ll try and get you one when does your case come up I need advice this night Sir melot he fills me with for boing I don’t know
There’s something about the way he holds his Lance that makes me feel uncomfortable never fear for nothing is hidden from mer what doth this night amelot at my court even now he is with your wife the lady gwena whom men call Gia the generous and I’d give a lot to
Know how that name got Around greetings bald night bold night B do you mind greetings lady gin I am samin aot the pure see me my shining armor I’m pure I’m pure the pleasures of the flesh are not for me I resist all temptation I’m pure mainly cuz I can’t get out of this rotten
Arm oh oh selot I have heard of your stupidity is it true is it true what they say about your great feet that you that you went out and rescued a dragon and slaughtered a fair Maiden yeah well you can’t see what are you doing with these thighs that come Stand By
Me Closer Closer look into my eyes do you not see beauty there oh yes yes such beauty I could Gaze on it all day two little reflections of me verily thou art a great bigard come the day of the tney my Champion will demand satisfaction from you no will he Now your majesty my lords Knights to the round table Dam of the octagonal stool Squires surfs archers dals Franciscan friers black friers mansion house can Street old station announcing the first Joy on my left a mint lot seven Stone fre and dripping wet armor and on my right the queen Champion
Circula wi and I watch from the Royal box to the South culot Road to the North secula Road North secular Road oh dear I missed that rehearsal you Lucky Devil it was an inspiring sight the knights arried their gay caparison coconut shells we watch with baited breath they
Gathered speed lances held ready faster and faster shouldn’t they have been Galloping towards each other yes but don’t worry they’re turning back see they’re fighting FR and Parry FR and Parry why do you keep saying Frost and P they my tailor I thought you’d be interested ha take that ah I’ve cleaved your
Armor yeah your end is Insight I yield I yield y selot he’s one he’s one and who would have thought it we should throw something in his honor Rotten Tomato or better yet a Feast what a banquet it was oxen roasted whole wine flowed like water the board was groaning see the shareholders won’t like us spending all this m nonsense but stay where is my lady gvir I did see a slim girlish figure flit away into the shadow sire and lady gwi was with him They will never find us here melot another Goblet of me well I don’t know grinir we’ve already had seven goblets of me oh oh Minot we can’t go on meeting like this if if Arthur suspects I am lacking in Chastity he will belt
Me right oh good qu oh means a lot oh qu Fe qu means a lot means a lot me a lot means a lot means aot oh Quin oh Minot melot Al melot Min Al Al Al well so much for the introduction what are you both doing and on the round table
Too you know how EAS sled marks fear not my le it’s this rotten armor I couldn’t get me visor up your wife your wife has been chased I know I saw you chasing her you leave me no alternative but to punish you both oh picture the awful scene a crowded Public
Square in Camelot are piled high around two Sol stakes in the center of the square the Torches applied the wood blazes smoke and Flames hide the stakes from our view yes this is your punishment gavier melot we’re having a barbecue and you haven’t been
Invited then I shall hi me to a n and where goest thou selot I’m going to me malishi yes you’ll show me the way which which way way to get out of this sinking suit of my [Applause] Armor and now Miss Betty Ma and I would like to burst forth but first um our version of what was hitherto an old favorite remember snook remember spam your ration Book 12 points for Jam ah yes I remember it well when Hill was Lord and not just
Fanny Lum Road and not old Danny oh yes I remember it well remember mind my bike and the Charlie Chester them all we’ll never see their like good job good job it warms my heart although it’s odd they jokes Leon thanks to Ken do ah yes he remembers them
Well how often I’ve thought of that oldfashioned wal we dance to the band of jolos We Jive to some bods who were known as the squads and we rumbled to Ed mandoo Ross that’s a good meter when you were slim and you had hair your waist was trimmed predicare yes I remember it
Well we used to flirt the whole night through you wore a skirt and so did you ah yes I remember it well I wore my deob suit it was Air Force blue well now I’m getting old that youst too how you would love and I would
Soften well I still love now but not so often ah yes I remember it well [Applause] [Applause] and now for the go-ahead don’t look back it’s right behind you tingling scene of radio balls Ponro h Hello waiter there’s a fly in My Soup uh waiter to get to the other side that didn’t go too well a Harry must be good can’t be bad I beg your it can’t be any worse wonderful now this is the uh point of the show where we invite listeners to
Phone in with any queries or comments on topics of the moment now the postm general has had a special hookup but uh what he does in his own time is entir his own ah there’s the phone now I said there’s the phone now well it seems we’re having a little
Technical difficulty at them up hello I have a query regarding a member of your cast can Becky maren yes that’s all [Applause] oh hello uh me and my matate have been having an argument is CP snow the real mother of David Frost I say yes they say
No well it’s not an easy question to answer Mr um what did you say your name was Frost David Frost oh that’s that’s my other phone hello I not in your advertisment imposing brief quarterly I I think you’ve got the wrong number oh no no I’ve got the advertisement here I’ll
Read it mature sexy man about town wishes to meet petite young Widow interested in photography ballroom dancing and physical culture object well I don’t think we need to uh you need to bore the listeners with all that well I’m G yes I’m sure you are yes but uh the position’s filled oh goodbye Extraordinary and all I wanted was some keys cut too funny I wonder how she got my number we’ve all got your number hello it’s it’s it’s for you Betty is it a man a man yes is he is he just Breathing heavily over the phone yes not saying anything just that infernal breathing
Yes oh that’ll be the butcher tell him to send half a pound of stewing steak and some liver for the cat did you get That yes and uh and the same to your good lady too well that’s uh all calls we got time for this week but if you got anything you want to air well there’s a cupboard on the Landing here now is a man we’d all like to well he’d like to himself but uh things being what they are he’s merely going to sing rambling sidumo whom Doby roids preserve hello M deos and hello here is a Sussex ear about an old man who plays knickknacks in various
Places and it goes after this fashion brightly but with great nerve this old money plays one plays knickknacks with a hot cross bun knickknack and back give a dog a flute this old man wles like a n well they do you know when that get to a certain age
But what the AR don’t see the art don’t grieve her this old man he plays two he plays knickknacks up the flu knickknack and back give a dog a chop the old man NES Round the Clock picturesque isn’t it this old man he plays three he plays knick-knacks for a fee knickknack out
Back give a dog a punch the old man GR es after lunch why you do tenter after every meal this old man he plays for he plays knickknacks till he sore knickknack Gander back give a dog a kick the old man bogles with a pick I yeah thank you
IE I I I won’t weary you with versus five six S8 or nine suff face it to say that each verse gets more ethnic among other things but eventually comes verse 10 this old man he plays 10 see him trundling a big Ben knick-knack Gand
Back give a dog a bone if you want anymore you can waggle your own wle your [Applause] own from time to time I clear those things out of my wardrobe that I don’t really want for instance the Milkman several moths a chap called bnot who appears to be a friend of my wife and of course old clothes and nobody will give you much for them so when a
Card was pushed through my door which read boner Rags we pay top prices for om’s left offs I called them up on the following morning they came around the door’s open troll in oh hello I’m Julian this is my friend s hello Mr oh love about e we gentleman’s Misfits
Yeah no no no now what that means is we’re interested in anything reasonable in gentleman’s clothes yes that’s true that’s true no it’s true yeah we are the actual joint managing directors of boner our boner used clothing limited Branch with in Queens Way and mincing Lane our motto is before you throw it
Away show it to us we may have an home for it for instance that bundle of rags it may seem a useless load of old Tac but we’ll take it off you yeah that’s that’s the suit I’m wearing oh oh if that’s what he’s hanging on to I dread to think of what
He’s throwing away oh come on let’s have a v this clothing that’s translator’s note right just open the wardr oh yeah look wardrobe oh what a nefl it’s a bit card is it never wears one of them he does he don’t he does you can tell by the bow Jer is
Cardigan oh make a note jeel one gents Edwardian Foundation oh kinky look if you want the correct name it’s a bracer midriff support oh brace it’s a bit is woulds Berlin if you ask me still we’ll step you half a crown yeah yes it’s worth it for the scrap metal
Alone oh we there nice oh yeah those silver metallic High healed shoes the one with the springs on them they’re shoe trees oh hold that a bit small around the ankle let’s see what else there is oh look there One jent DB dinner jacket with contrasting skirt that’s a that’s
That’s a Kil oh anything else J One moth eating shett and TW oh look he’s got a baggy old Aris I’ll say yes right five Bob the lot now let’s have a ramage through his drawers yeah don’t move don’t don’t move what there’s something red near lurking behind his
Socks oh oh it’s nasty it it it it it it with the trouser no no no no careful that’s uh look uh promise you won’t tell anybody that’s my wig I wear it for special occasions like Halloween put it down J One Naf Irish
Oh no we don’t want that do we yes we do a com in Andy as a teac CO you we can use it for wiping down the horse when he sweat oh what are these what’s my old rugby kit I’ll throw that in don’t mention rugby of Jewel oh it don’t you
Mention that to oh yeah no yeah he sworn he sworn never to touch a pair of rugby shorts again no now after what happened he swore he’d never tell go on tell Mr St about it go on tell go on Let Yourself Go purge yourself Purge Purge well when I was
Younger I had a friend who was a wasp you mean that jock yes Jo oh great big Butch over you yes bigger than that huge buling L and he’s eat eat like a great we Godard oh yes we went to hairdressing school together and he rode up he used to play
Rag a Saturday and he asked me to make up the number one week well everything went well to halfway through the MCH what happened well I completely misunderstood the meaning of a forward pass Shan no but don’t worry JW it’s all oh under the Pont now I your
French now you feel better now you got off your CH you feel better don’t you thank you for making me S you’re purged I have I feel feel I feel I have purged myself yes all right then we’ll take the rugger kit and the soup we’ll take your
Entire wardrobe 30 Bob a lot 30 Bob only 30 Shillings yeah I’ll tell you what if you throw in that suit you’re wearing we’ll make it 25 Bob done I know a bargain when I see one and where will you dispose of the stuff to distressed
Gentle folk oh no no there’s no point in adding to their distress we’ve got a different Outlet Mr horn well I’d like to know my cast offs will go where they’re appreciated oh they will Mr R you see we’ve got a contract to supply the clowns at beram M [Applause] Circus bye goodbye bye goodbye and I must say it makes me feel nostalgic every Christmas to see Bobo the clowns slipping on a banana skin and falling on my Harris well that’s it except for this week’s motto which is love is where you find it if you know where to look
Cheerio see you next week that was Ron the horn starting Kenneth horn with Kenneth Williams Hugh pic and Betty maren on the musical side you heard the max Harris group the script was written by Barry Tuk Johnny Mortimer and Brian Cook and Donald Webster and the show is produced by John Simmons well let’s have the verdict have I got to have any out yes I think um I’m going to have to extract that one it’s rotten oh dear dear that’ll leave a gap great that can’t be helped if I leave it in there may be trouble later that one’s
Going to have to come out to and that one and that one and now that the producer has cut the lines he doesn’t like here is what’s left of round the Hall Hello and welcome to the show first we’re privileged to hear a short address from the Archbishop of tring 55 Old Compton Street ring twice and ask for Colette thank you sir it’s uh always useful to know where one can find a good corst well now the uh answer to last week’s
Crossword competition now for one across the clue was what you throw across your bed in cold weather now the answer was ID down Mr CJ reticule of Hove came up with another suggestion but I’m afraid it’s a little too short my bed is anyway now the the
Answer to seven down is dozing and the clue being about to drop off I kind of a feeling that some of the alternative answers I got serve to underly the basic pessimism of our [Laughter] time three down can be seen in Hyde Park was of course the serpentine however thank you for your
Long and colorful letter Mr n Mr n ruminant of charie I I had no idea you were watching at the time forward Smith sir we continue with the latest in our movie go wrong series is this week a radio adaptation of a film that has recently been released
Mainly for lack of evidence pornographic Productions present a stiring story of racing cars and the Daredevil men who drive them relatively Grand Prix my name is Jones and after some of the names I’ve been given in this series I can hardly believe my luck my full name is oh Goose Vesta Jones oh well I build high powered cars and race them it’s rather pointless really they always beat
Me as our story opens I’m standing in the pits of the racetrack at silverston and beside me is the Sleek powerful brute which my mechanic has been busy with all night my daughter will helmina Oh Daddy we will win this race if we just have face I know we will say
You believe it too say we’ll win say it well I will will if you like but we haven’t actually entered a car Oh Daddy why not are you having trouble with blocked up lubricating points again well not since I started taking the tablets now the scene shifts to Jones’s Car
Works two mechanics working on a new racing car one adjust the gearbox while the other is half hidden under a long green bonnet I do wish you wouldn’t wear that long green bunnet people are talking let them talk one day I should be a great racing driver one day my name
Will be on everybody’s lips yeah so you say young filter tip now go with you I to race my spon at you have you tuned the engine of course I’ve tuned the engine Listen you call that tun in you young laag your diminished be natural flat it’s the heat ah jock jock I’ve just returned from silverson how are you getting on with my pride and joy well yesterday I gave her a Faro over with me oily rag he means the car you
Fool oh well well see for yourself hi Douglas Smith I’m playing the car herea known as the Douglas Smith special I mention this for my many admirers particularly perhaps from Mrs joter Tweed of PE thank you very much for your Charming letter and the Fair Isle sock it was
Delicious oh get on with it SMI I stand over the inspection pit my well waxed body gleaming I’ve just been fully serviced by Mr [Applause] Williams well would you believe it all we need now all we need now is a drive for the big race at marital in the south
Of France everybody is interested in the premarital that pardon is the official entry for Britain in the Eurovision most contrived joke of the Year oh let me do it sir I can do it honestly I can I’ve often done it where nobody was looking all around the garage and out into the streets
H you young Jimmy drive at marow it’s a tricky and skillful C I’m tricky and skillful and course very well I’ll give you a quick test on your knowledge of the car now what’s the technical term for this a wheel this a wheel a wheel a jam
Donut oh no it’s another wheel actually it’s still how you wrong no no no no I’m not it is a wheel still three out of four isn’t bad you can drive in the freem Marita this is your big chance Jimmy but look out for enrio lasan the big Italian
He’ll try and get on your tail I watch you I’ll win this race sir not just for you sir but also for Miss will hel Mina your daughter whom I’ve long worshiped from a distance assisted by powerful binoculars I see and how does she feel I
Have another chance to find out yet if I win this race I shall go to her and press my suit should press your suit before you go are you incidentally where is she should Jo the Italian driver is under the stus flag and Miss Willow is
Under there with him a this is too much for years I’ve watched her giving her favors to other men and she doesn’t even know I’m there at least I hope she doesn’t never mind her you got a job to do get into that Douglas Smith special and warm him up
Right I’ve got him going it’s backet seats comfy I’ll say that young young filter selected his gear a fetching duck egg blue overall with lemon yellow driving gloves and drove off to the starting line my daughter approached oh my daddy surely you’re not driving why are you wearing a shiny pink
Crash helmet I’m not oh sorry oh that that young mechanic’s driving by EV got pla you got to hand it to him I haven’t got to do anything of the sort there goes the starus flag and that away and he’s won hey well it’s a tricky course but quite
Short ah here he comes oh i’ I’ve done it I’ve done it yes you have done it in the Douglas Smith special too yes done it yeah Jimmy take the W the Laurel and the Hardy and this large silver cup for your side filled with champagne good idea and
So we filled his sideboard with champagne and I toasted his victory from a briming Cutlery drawer here’s too many more such Races Monaco Hey Jo Jo it’s close it’s close it’s desperately close oh I beg your pardon Miss Jimmy’s only half a lap ahead he’s oh look look he’s coming in for a pit to stop oil oil I need more oil here here you are James I better my hair was blowing all over the Place Noble ring daddy daddy look Jimmy’s got his nose in front or most of his hand I think he’s going to pull it off oh wait wait oh daddy look he is sing all over the track well that may well get him disqualify no no no he’s heading for the
Finishing Line oh he’s past it he’s past it yes I’ve often thought that myself as success followed success young Jimmy changed there was something different about him I couldn’t put my finger on it indeed I didn’t want to put my finger on it but he was wasn’t the
Same shy lad call this hotel I put my boots out last night and they haven’t even been licked properly and another thing these autograph HS I’m sick and tired of having to run up and down the corridors put them all in one place where I can catch them at once oh Jimmy
Jimmy I think it’s going to your head what is this vase if you go on like that oh what happened to that shy Freckle faced snubnosed little fellow we all like he’s in the wardrobe yeah yes I am I’m sorting through some of his old socks he wants
Some Fram and present it to the nation all you’ve changed youim son you CHS I’m judging by these socks not often Enough as a successful Grand Prix driver young Jimmy was the toaster of the continent he was seen of the gayest parties he began to give himself airs he grew a mustache for instance oh give himself airs I love that he fell in with loose women the hectic pace began to affect
His performance and the one thing he really cared about and his driving suffered too he lost race after race well speaking is the Dr Smith special so I do resent his crude handling lately he doesn’t give me a chance to warm up got no consideration and another
Thing he takes so many chances he never wears a crash Helmet or anything well I’ll speak to him about it oh a fool hen looking back I see what I went wrong I see it all oh should have played the D Smith P he got more laughs than I did
Well never never mind that if we don’t win a big race soon my company will go bankrupt we’ll have to change the name from Jones’s Car Works to Jones’s car doesn’t work I’ll do it sir I’ll do it sir sir I do it enter me for the big race next week He’s doing it he’s doing it by the great Airy legs of floro McDonald he’s up among the lead he he is pulling away into the street he’s One I did it Mr Jones sir I won for you well done filter TI this will go down in racing history the day the Douglas Smith special driven by you beat every horse in the Dary [Applause] so much for this week’s production next week we’ll be showing you something which deeply impressed our leading film critic and had him sitting on the edge of his seat yes it’s a broken spring and now let’s roll back the carpet and see what that smell is under the floorboard
Shall we why it’s a medley of songs for swinging epicures render in rather the same way as you render fat by the round the horn spling coral I like of tea in the morning thought the day you see about 11 my idea of Heaven is a nice
Cup of tea I like a nice cup of tea with my dinner and a nice cup of tea with my tea and when it’s time for bed there’s a lot to be Said Rosie [Applause] My I was weing on cucumber and on my wedding day sitting down to supper when the guests had gone away my L darling said to me you must be hungry Joe what is it you fancy I said fancy don’t you know I like pickled onions I like pick
Aily pickle cabbage is all right with a BAL meat on Sunday night I can go Tomatoes but what I do prefer is a little bit of cucum cucum cucumber first several years of married life have brought me lots of joys I don’t know how many girls I think it’s
14 boys when the last one came to town it nearly turned my head it was marked with a cucumber and the first words that it said were I like pickled onions I like pickle pickled cabbage is all right with a bit of cold meat on Sunday night I can
Go to Mar to is but what I do prefer a little bit of cuc cuc little bit of cucumber [Applause] H and down the road There lives a man I’d like you all to know he grew a great big marrow for the local flower show and when the story got around they came from far and wide and when the people saw the marrow everybody cried oh oh what a
Beauty I’ve never seen one as big as that before Oh What a beauty it must be 2ot long or even more it’s such a lovely color and so nice and round and fat I never thought a marow could grow as big as that oh what a
Beauty I’ve never seen one as big as that before he was leaning on the garden gate the other day and beckoned to a lady who lives across the way took her down the Garden Path and showed it to her with pride and when she saw the size of it the little L
Is oh what a beauty I’ve never seen one as big as that before Oh What a beauty it’s must be too for long or even more with such a lovely color and nice and round and fat I never thought a Nara could grow as big as that oh what a
Beauty I’ve never seen one as big as that before I mean me never that before [Applause] [Applause] No for 12 solid hours of imitation commercial breaks fasten your seat belts and stuff in your earplugs it’s radio balls Pawn Road it’s your number one DJ from a great height swingy ringing dingy Simon D Cade hi there a man came rushing into a PB says the landlord tell me there any Penguins around here L said no sir the man says then I’ll just run over a chocolate
Biscuit um minute uh is it my timing that’s wrong well yes you shouldn’t have got up wonderful and this is the point in our show where we invite listeners to phone in with any queries comments on topics of the moment hello hello would you be Jimmy Young no would you not for a
Million then you’re you’re Kenneth horn aren’t you yes can you can you answer a question about one of the cast of your show well I’ll try well my question is this is Kenneth Williams the same person that I knew once in Hound Stitch he um he had long
Blonde wrinkles yes little April cheeks and wor the cutest little Romper shoot and and he wouldn’t be parted from his raggedy old teddy bear that he always called him Sebastian he always used to sit on my knee and call me Nana how long ago was this Nana last Tuesday is
Great ah there’s my other phone hello hello I’m failing to complain about the filth on radio and television it seems that all you people think about up there is sex it’s all right for you theatricals but what about us decent ordinary people we’ve had enough of sex
And I’m not just speaking for myself but also for my wife and 43 children that Basel brush has a lot to answer for isn’t he hello horn here I know you but you don’t know me an arrangement that suits me perfectly I know where you were last
Friday night are photographs of you with the feathers and an incriminating tape recording of you and the French Loaf and I know all about pearly and the dance on the mirrors I even have a piece of salami as evidence yes I know all about you and
I’ll tell what I know I shall Hound you remorselessly unless we can come to some Financial Arrangement but this is blackmail call it what you like all right this is epana uana is an ugly would well how about crepe to Sheen it’s prettier all right then this is crepe to Sheen but
You’ll never get away with it it clashes with your eyes how does it Mr clever dick horn well unless the money is left in the usual place next Sunday morning I shall knock to the rosers well don’t worry there’ll be an extra two Shillings in the plates and thank you for calling Vicor
[Applause] okay well that’s all the we have time for but don’t forget if you have any queries don’t bother us we’ve got enough our own but now now a man whose work has been spread over many Fields it’s double yield rambling Sid [Applause] rumper hello my dear ear and since we last met I’ve been where a few men have been and seen what few men have seen and got off with A5 Fone and and my a this week tells something of my perig Gren naations it goes jointly but
Painfully as I was going to Goose sag’s Fair singing singing Lumas on me POS it I better a maiden Tren in a bear faler faler her bogles were blue they jangled about till the grunge on my cord wangle nearly fell singing singing n Julie Felix singing singing riddle Simon
D kind sir pray woggle my if you can singing singing LOM is on me pass it for you I can see are a free scoping man falder C so I waggled her till her welin rang and as I waggle this tune I sang It’s a good trick if you can do it
Airy fairy Peter Paul and Mary Airy fairy world [Applause] Simon and so say all of us now the other day I was leafing through my copy of the lady wrestler’s Home Journal which I buy for the fat stock prices and I noticed this advertisement which said boner male model Agency New eeks wanted and I
Thought I’d give it a try after all my manhood is burgeoning and besid and besides pin money is always handy so I decided to pop down to that address in Chelsea the sign on the door said knock and troll gracefully in so I knocked and trolled hello anybody there oh hello I’m
Julian and this is my friend Sandy oh hello oh why oh you me oh it’s Mr horn well I’d like to register with you well you won’t looking like that was that your wearing a fan fur no no matter of fact it’s it’s an angora cardigan it’s
Stretched in the wash oh you have to drag yourself up if you want to join our CLE onel all our models are handpicked yeah handpicked through these portals of minced England’s top m models top M model we trained Conrad Mont Falcon Mont Falcon the guy know the name oh you must
Have seen him does a lot of advertising work now youve seen that one where this great Bome is on a building site and he’s squatting there with his mates rolling his own oh that’s Conrad yeah well not all of him not all of them je it’s ISS in
The closeup it’s is ends in that Comm commcial where they’re pouring the disinfectant down the sink and it’s isans that stay as soft as your face isans have been everywhere there’s not an Omi in the country who’s not familiar with Conrad’s a not an OM not an of course he hasn’t
Always been Conrad month Fen of course he has no that’s slow yeah no we give him that name when we first knew him remember first knew him just playing Wally Wally MC m w very how you first met him tell him about it juwel tell him
Go on no tell him I don’t like to you tell him no it’s hurtful looking go on tell it well it is unburden yourself J go on as you go bring it out in the open go on bring it out well it would never have happened if I’d had the
Change I’m I’m afraid I don’t quite follow had the change for the Milkman oh cuz that’s what he was once conr rad I didn’t have to change for a pound and he come around to my L for his Christmas bow so jeel invited him in while he ra his six BL
Ball go on go on then I saw him stood there on me half land and he highlighted in the Rays of the morning sun oh and I could see his great possibilities yes you you could see it just you see it you see and of course
The rest is history isn’t it history we groomed him we trained him is England’s top male model yes of course he’s left us now yes left us now but what we did for him we can do for you surely surely my possibilities are not as great as his don’t run yourself down
Har heart face admittedly you haven’t got the fashionable flat chested look nor the pr raal eat you can say that again these more your goya’s ERS of War still he’s got something yes he has something let’s see you walk up and down Mr like this no no mince
Tall put your stomach in yeah or whatever that bulges yeah let’s see them hips go dkey you’ve got them that’s it yes use them yes yes look Hy W your lips smolder smold well what do you think well frankly duck he’s a bit older G A aren’t I any good for TV commercials
Well we might par you off as a pee that can’t get in the packet look go on Jewel you show him show him how to do it look at the way he trolls there look at him trolling up and down whoa father that insolent eek look at
His eek oh what a like a thoroughbread a thoroughbread what or bold we though he’s picking it up you know have a look a jewel Mr on he freaking out I’m freaking he’s freaking out now he’s freaking back in again oh what a mve he’s a lovely move Mr oh
Faster he goes faster now do you think you could learn to do what he’s doing you mean split the seams of my charers now look turn jewel watch him Mr R he’s on the turn and that’s that’s beautiful is that beautiful that’s fantabulosa we’ll have you walking like
That in a few weeks Mr hor will you yes well you can hardly avoid it when you’re wearing leather trousers well do you want to sign on well uh do you think I should well if you don’t we haven’t got a tag for the sketch all right I’ll sign no no no no
No no don’t sign Kenneth horn why not my name’s not right no no you want something more classy if you’re going to be a m model what do you suggest something um well something with a bit of Glamour about glamour you yes yes like Garbo Garbo horn no no
Never no Well jean harow then can’t call him Jean no I Aro Arlo horn yeah oh he’s got something but Horn’s not right what about thing the ow me with Twiggy what’s his name Justin yes yes that’s him Justin the Aston Villa Aston Villa banova no I’m wrong no I’m wrong villain
Viller well that’s a bit French for me I’m backing Britain in that case our man is on Tristan deuna couldn’t you anglicize it yes all right let’s see now nerve is new reveals town so there we are that’s your new name now what is har New [Applause] Town bye bye well I didn’t adopt it I mean if you’re going to change your name to that of a place you might as well pick somewhere you feel at home so that’s what I’ve done so don’t forget tunee in next week to the next episode of round
The lon bus sherio see you rural District Council per meting next week Bye that was round the horn starring Kenneth horn with Kenneth Williams Hugh Pedic and Betty maren the music was provided by the max haris group and the script was by Barry Tok Johnny Mortimer and Brian Cook and Donald Webster the show is produced by John Simmons prisoner at the bar we have heard the evidence against you the incident with the glue and the banana has been verified by the entire luten girls Chet there is far too much of this sort of thing going on far too much I did it myself only last
Tuesday the matter of the rubber duck and the shooting stick is even more serious indeed it was some hours before traffic in Oxford Street return to nor have you anything to say before I pronounce the sentence sentence more sentence this sentence ladies and gentlemen it round the hall [Applause] [Applause] hello and welcome to the show and now first a police message to all motorists turning South off the coast Road at Brighton don’t do it you’ll get wet all right now then your letters worried green eyes of Aldershot writes in with a question about see-through blousing
Is well there are many ways of looking at these I personally prefer the sidelong glance but I see no reason why you shouldn’t wear one worried green eyes providing the other Chaps in your barck room don’t object Mr J D of Kilburn writes to me on
Indian bus conductor’s turbin and I I do wish he’d use not Paper couldn’t read a thing forward Smith sir we continue our movie go wrong series with yet another film adaptation lately the hard bitten private ey story is making a comeback and we’ve decided to put a stop to it pornographic Productions proudly indeed brazenly Present big broads don’t squeal Except for Emily bolstad but that’s another story and a much more interesting one if you ask me oh shut up Smith my name is Hank fist a private detective I’m the biggest gumo in town what of a gum boot really I hang out in downtown Chicago but that’s also another
Story July 15 is 2: a.m. in my office it’s halfast 5 everywhere else but my clock has stopped the door opens and someone comes In it’s a scruffy old man in a baggy blue suit I am Nelson D nud you Feller millionaire I’m looking for a private detective and you were recommend it I was cautious well I had to be come in and sit down drink well I unced the bottle of bourbon and gave him two
Fingers and the same to You now listen now listen Mr fist this is an important assignment I want you to put a tail on my wife well if you if you think she won’t mind I suspect she is planning to kill me I’m not certain but it’s just just just little things like this morning she
Ran over me in the car three times and this made you suspicious a little I was in the living room I wondered whether to take the case he saw my indecision and pushed a handful of green stuff across the desk it was broccoli I’ll do it
Good I paused only to strap on my gat well my doctor advises it and headed up Town 700 p.m. big Nicks Uptown dive I’m at the bar looking round at the worn carpet and the peeling stucco that’s Ethel stuco the stripper she’s been dancing in big Nicks for Years I watch her and wonder if she’ll come across she usually does hi there curly well this this was a called some years ago listen Hank I got to tell you something somebody’s out to get you his name is oh old gas splutter choke see stiffen one eye glazed over
Then the other sort of double glazing oh oh Hank I I’ve had it I’ve had it well most of us have at one time or another she was dead I P myself a bourbon and took a slug they’d run out of crisps and peanuts suddenly suddenly something hard and
Cold was pressed into my back don’t move this ain’t no banana h on hang on up with them I raised my eyebrows not your eyebrows you fool your ANS you know I am I’m pretty B boy o pretty and big Nick wants to see You at this point the scene shifts to the penthouse of big Nick gangling Gangland Gambler by J I’ve been dreading that I am big Nick in a long black overcoat and a couple of hoods on either side nice in Chicago I am known as the Kink of the
Underworld well that can’t be right no it ain’t but I blame the environment listen you private dicks make me sick I’m a big man around these parts yeah are a big man around those parts too shut up one more crack and pretty boy here put the high heel shoe
In just give me five minutes alone with him boss I’ve got ways of my own it was now or never I dive for the light switch fumbling for my gat skillfully portrayed skillfully portrayed by Douglas Smith meow meow sir me ow I said Gat Smith Gat it’s obsolete American
Slang for gun Oh I thought it was a misprint I’ve rehearsed it all week you can’t expect me to change characterization now sir oh very well I ducked through the window and onto the fire escape I fired twice meow meow this is humiliating i f again the bullet ricocheted meow
Meow there he is boss he’s hiding be on the D spin he’s making a break for it now he’s making a clutch and an accelerator he’s driving away in it there was no time to waste we were five pages into the sketch and nothing had happened I drove straight to the neller
Estate there was a blonde Dame beside the swimming pool I flashed my credentials at her she looked interested Al so you’re Hank fist I’m livinia nuder fellow young vibrant alive my husband’s 60 and I’m 23 23 23 remarkably thin woman yeah I’ll give it to you straight hand you haven’t got much
Choice somebody somebody’s that to get you and I know who his name is ah choke splutter gasp she went rigid then teetered on the edge of the swimming pool and began to topple If I Were a Rich Man He’d been shot by a 22 sound effects man fitted with a silencer suddenly Nelson D neller stepped out of the Shadows my wife has been shot the woman to whom all this wealth really belonged until her death when it all passed to me and who
Was about to change her will in favor of somebody else and whom I only married so I could get my hands on her vast resource is and you can’t put it more crud than that should have seen the original version yeah somebody shot her it was you you fortunately I phoned the police
Half an hour ago just on the off Chance the scene changes to the 57th Precinct house liutenant Capell of the Chicago Police is talking he’s tough hard bitten and 3 feet tall he’s not much cop okay Buster it’s the chair for you this time the chair you understand oh thank you I sat down right now this time we got you
Hanky you always call me that mainly because I got up his nose Okay the way I see it is this there’s somebody out to get you and his name is he began to Sag and fell flat not unlike this plot there were two small round holes in his head they are my
Nostrils oh yeah well a bum of a bullet wound I knew that whoever was after me wasn’t far away but who was it and why was he after me it’s me I admit it you Williams who else I’m sick of playing second fiddle yes if I can get rid of
You I’ll be the star of the show we can change the title it’ll be round the Williams I can get all the laughs hello and welcome to the show I say first a warning or an apology or answer some stupid competition that ever took place anyone can do that rubbish anyone can
All all right I heard you you leave me no choice forward Smith sir meow meow he’s got me he’s got me and he’s welcome to you William oh oh I’ve been killed by a [Applause] and now a tribute to the film stars and the films they made way back in the 30s and 40s that even today are remembered by anyone anywhere who has a television set thank you very much for my friend thank you very much thank you very very
Much thanks tool Flynn for winning FMA thank you very very very much thank you very much to Elisha K thank you very much thank you very very much thanks John Wayne for saving to Brook thank you very very very much thank you very much for d
Thank you very much thank you very very much playing a selection of various ladies thank you very very very much there was no one who was L than y back of notam played by moral on chain thank you very much for thank very much thank you very very much we can’t
Say the same for Michael than you very very muchen back f gun singing nun Gloria Swanson Samuel Bronson tell Marita my friend flicker thank you very much thank you much oh you film stars you do things to me Oscar and M and Reges thank you very much for Charlton EST thank you very much thank you very very much and Maron Brando with his best on thank you much thank you very much for Miss thank you very very very Much and now for children of all ages it’s roaring boring radio balls Pond Road hi folks it seems there’s this big fire and the first f up the ladder saw this other one behind him he said where are you from and other one said garana and the first F said that’s funny the
Trinity dad Brigade haven’t arrived yet no oh well can’t be bad well not as bad as last week wonder and now we have with us our very own Good Foods by Epicurious his EP isn’t what it was but he’s still as curious as ever yeah this week I sted
At the Silver Slipper in Star sister sad to say there was no wine list since the establishment had no license it was dry was being the operative work yes the uh silver side with its second and Saucy surpassed expectations the side dishes were superb I only criticism concerns as Ser yet they were
Damped and what about the service simply it’s as a matter of fact one serving which was so inspired by me and I by her that I took her some dists from a nearby vas and gave her a spray wonderful gesture yes wasn’t it later I suggested an assignation at some
Suitable spot and I started to whisper and dear into her shell like so how do you get on disappointing singularly disappointing for some strange reason she refused to remove her Macintosh very very tired what no anyway now to the part of the show where people phone in to discuss their problems and
Air their views ah here’s the first call now hello hello my friend and I are interested in Kenneth Williams uh we don’t have the TV and uh we don’t know what he looks like could you give us a description yes well he’s about seven hands high boyish face fresh complexion
Flaring nostrils smoldering eyes and smoking ears and how does he dress in the dark from the look of it oh I see what you mean well today he’s wearing a beautiful gray Lounge suit with a matching cardigan light blue shirt it’s a junior miss size does that answer your question uh
Yes hold on to him sir fit the description we have we’ll send a squad car around in notes ah there’s my other phone Mr horn yes I have a question on etiquette what is the correct mode of address for a high court judge is it your grace your
Excellency your eminence or your work ship well the correct way to address a high court judge is Milad thanks oh you Milad get out of bed and get off home hello oh hello Mr Grand F yes I’ll pass your message on to p h was there anything else yes on your
Program you poke the finger of scoff at a certain minority group of which I am an esteemed member oh what group is that dirty old man I I am a dirty old man of many years standing and standing and what peering through Kos it’s not fair to make fun of us Mr
Or and speaking as a dirty old man it hurts me well well if it hurts you give it up and that’s uh that’s all that’s all the phone calls we have time for this week but if you’ve got something you feel strongly about and want to get it out in the
Open well I advise you to wait till the warmer weather now then here to give you her impressions of London as a young visitor from the antipodes Miss Judy kibar get on you Bluey keep your hands to yourself I beg your pardon just a friendly warning I know you pommies your sex m
For all I know you might have enticed me here on a pretext just so you can do unspeakable things to me no I wouldn’t dream of it you’re raving fairy or [Applause] something ah BL I’ve noticed the men over here they all avoid looking at me
It shows that’s on the Mind One fellow on the tube said oppos it he didn’t look at me for nearly half an hour the dirty swine in the end I had to swipe him with me Tucker bag yes yes well we’re not all like that no no I’ve got Tucker bags for one
Thing what about all those unseen statues you got in England h i mean that little fellon in padelli Circus huh you seen that thing he’s pointing down sha spr Avenue his burn Arrow call it what you like it’s disgusting oh come come it’s one of our finest statues stands on a of
The best quality English stone what you might call [Laughter] pomegranate you can last you’re all sex mad over here and that’s a fact that’s all you think about any minute now and you’ll drag me behind that kitten and we all know what that means I’ll do no such thing oh well how
About that kitten no no no I don’t think so why not going to have a word with Douglas Smith I’m sure he must FY you he hasn’t looked at you once that lousy pomy got a lot of PL in his from [Applause] Vict and there she goes with her digy do it the ready well now here is a man who’s thrown off his tramel he says they he says they were binding him under the cord wangle Lings in [Applause] Rumble hello me dear Ros I since we last
Met I’ve had a Bogle in me Gander bag and I’ve come up with this astounding air fit to titilate your lumu oh well my lumu are sort of self titilating but uh thank you for the offer oh you’re welcome well it’s a Somerset Dy and goes after this fashion Sprite ly but Abysmally on Yonder Hill there stands a mly what it is I do not know with my grunge I’ll lunge that mly lunge it till it’s natur’s Glow oh no John no John no Madam through your fair cord wangle I do see your wlas show with this lur I would trust you will you answer yes and she answers oh joh at least not while I’m carving the joint so he offers her fine things to make her change her
Mind as follows I will give you fine plucked grummet Wordle you from head to toe all I ask is one quick Bogle fudge my bangers then I and again she says oh no John no John no John while it’s lent you say which of course thoroughly disgruntle him so he sings you’ve turned
Down my fine plucked grummet you’ve refused to word low would you spurn my new cord w angle though it be as pure as Snow I’m with a tear in her poet and a lump in her artifacts she softens and capitulates singing oh yes John yes John yes John [Applause] oh [Applause] well thank you rambling Sid rumo keep up the bad work now the other day it was Douglas Smith’s birthday His official birthday of course and I felt I couldn’t let the occasion pass without getting him a little momento and it’s difficult
To know what to get him I mean what can you give a man who’s got nothing but I I was in the Kings Road Chelsea and a shop caught my eye it was called boner gift Boutique and a sign on the window said troll round nany obligation to
Buy so I popped in hello anybody there oh hello I’m Julian and this is my friend Sandy oh oh hello oh hello Mr horn how nice to how nice a v your Dolly old e g thank you popped in to pick up a knickknack yes I want something for a
Friend friend yeah well we’d have to see him before we could make an offer yes how about it’s our announcer dougas Smith Oh want the chemist shop next door yes they’re doing a special offer on the Rejuvenation tablets this week we we specialize in your actual prees for
The Discerning custom right so my motto is if you don’t see it ask for it do you have a ramage Mr ow Jewel will follow you around and make suggestion won’t you Jewel gladly um how does your friend feel about a cologne have a great range of your heeman Butch
Cologne have you tried my ra ra that actual French it means my raave then there’s un gby all the yes that’s a night in Tang similar to a night in Grimsby only you meet more interesting people well no I don’t think so knowing Douglas I think four days in harate is a
But she could take look I’m sorry if I’m being a nuisance oh NY nuisance NY Nuance Mr horn your every whim is our desire nor vice versa um how uh how about a nice piece of Poker work we got a good range of mottos haven’t we look he is a nice one uh
Bless this lty no no I’m not keen well what about this one then be never so n there’s no place like own look ever so nice over Mr Smith for post well you know I don’t think there are lot any personal belongings in the rooms or anything sharp you know
Just a wash hand stand and a mother of pearl throat spray with a picture of John snag on it well what about something personal like cflink yeah this is nice musical eyebath plays sailor with the navy blue eyes girls in every portion hanging around stop it you don’t like my singing do
You always been jealous of my talent shut yeah like AIS he only does the auditions you were saying yes to return to our muton yeah that’s actual French from M fooled me no no seriously they what about a nice set of Miniatures miniature what I don’t know they’re too small to tell here here though I tell you what
Jeel could do you nice po oh yes now he makes them himself you know he all and thrown thr or he can do things with a lump of clay yeah make get eyeballs come out and stalk look at this here look at this he made what’s that on it a souvenir of
Maresh it’s extremely curious well matter she had some experiences that were extremely curious watch it dare you promise no no I know how about something patriotic we’ve got hundreds of things Mr r with a patriotic motive there’s un and Jack jockey shorts with I’m back in Britain em blazed in the most
Appropriate ah we got a whole range of articles in blazing with Union and Jack and I’m back in Britain stamped all over them and none of them cost more than a shilling how come they’re so cheap they’re simple ducky they’re all made in Japan Well that uh brings us to the end of the show except for this week’s motto he who hesitates is aan Andrews it looks nice in poker work J that was round the horn starting Kenneth horn with Kenneth Williams Hugh Pedic and Betty maren music was by the max Harris group and the script was by Barry Tuk Johnny Mortimer and Brian Cook and Donald Webster the program was produced by John Simmon