Holiday Havoc with Chris – Chris Rock’s Everybody Hates Chris

From the mind of Chris Rock, the story of his teenage years in Brooklyn. Starring Terry Crews, Tyler James Williams, Tichina Arnold

Mama can we get these no we’ve already got peanut butter and jelly M I hate that stuff it tastes like concrete bring it up please when I was a kid my dad would try to save money any way he could so when my mother went shopping he had one rule no name

Brands so instead of Froot Loops Cheerios or Frosted Flakes we got got cereal what is this stuff is it oats is it flakes is there impr prize inside the prize is you don’t starve the death bring it up and instead of Oreo’s Ginger Snaps of chips aoy we

Got cookie that’s right cookie not cookies cookie a big bag with one cookie in it oh mama can I have some cookie yeah but only two bites don’t suck out all the chips like you did last time when it came to soap instead of

Zest di Coast we got K do you have a problem with that bring it up my mother could save money a lot of places but not on her Ass a make it now Partner science projects are due Friday so decide who you want to work with sign the sheet as it comes around back off one at a time quietly hey Greg you want to do a project together I don’t know I had a couple ideas I was already working on I

Wanted to work with Greg because my last science project didn’t go so well oh would you get these damn ants out of here James Brown stole that whole ants in a pant idea from my father come on man who else will partnered with me Chris it’s not that I

Don’t want to be your partner it’s just I take my science very seriously yeah but you know we can still have fun we’re talking about science Chris so you got to decide do you want to have fun or do you want to win hell I just wanted to Pass ro ro I’m in here baby you are never going to believe what happened What by that’s $200 worth of food stamps where did you get food stamps from Julius I found them from the time he was a kid to the time he was an adult my father loved to find money Mom Mom Mom I found a quarter I love you quarter I’m

Going to keep you and name you Bernard it’s a boy I found a dollar that’s not even my [Applause] Mother look at this what’s wrong Julius you know I hate using food stamps M mother hated using food stamps because she was a ghetto snob and sometimes using food stamps could be a little embarrassing that’ll be 79 cent 30 40 50 my mother would have felt better just robbing the place does

Anybody have changeed for 50 Cent Bill BR sh money is Money Cash food stamps what’s the difference because I don’t want to have to curse nobody out what Julius when I pull out food stamps people look at me like I ain’t got no husband they talk to me like I ain’t got

No sense they treat me like I ain’t got no class and if somebody treats me like that I’m going to curse them out $200 is $2200 either you going to shop with it or I am and you don’t want me to go shoing my father figured out that the

Only food cheaper than generic food was damaged food fine since we got the extra cash can you give me $20 so I can get my hair done can you do it yourself sure baby you go ahead you look good f $200 SP thank you at school I felt like I was trying

To do a science project and Greg was trying to win the Nobel Prize I think about doing something on a periodic table we can Trav when each element was discovered and show how it affected Society I was thinking we can make a volcano with vinegar and baking soda no

I did that in the third grade my third grade science project was watching a banana Rock hey why don’t we do a whole thing on plate tectonics I thought plate tectonics was the original name of the wuang clan we can diagram the Continental ship and show how mountain

Range is formed and show the shape of the Earth has changed throughout history so I guess making a robot out of Soup cans ain’t going to get it no as much as it hurt my mother to shot with boot stamps there were two words that made it all worthwhile name Brand That’s my mom get [Applause] [Applause] [Applause] now that’ll be $95 33 this store is Highway robbert Michelle girl hey what you doing here I didn’t know you shopped here I come here all the time M you so um what are you doing here two for one okay I like to save my money

Yeah you know got to know what to do with your money uhh yeah $95 $ 33 H $95. 33 oh girl wasn’t listen you think she’d pay with food stamps that cash was supposed to last my mom a month well you know what you got

To buy the best for your family you know that’s what I always say there’s nothing too expensive for my family daddy going to be mad that look meant get with the program you look good you look good girl you look good too girl y’all get in the car get in the

Car meanwhile I turned down Greg’s project on the theory of relativity go I’m coming up there boys go he turned down my project on how to make ice finally we decided on something we both liked the solar system this looks great Mercury is closest to the Sun Venus is

Second Earth is third and we have four moons around Jupiter it’s perfectly the scale quit lying to yourself what’s that supposed to mean if Earth was actually this close to the Sun we’d all be dead Greg it’s a science project it looks great we got to

Do it over do it over do the whole universe over are you crazy it looks great the way it is this isn’t great this sucks look at this kid his project is a bug and jelow we’re fine and he didn’t take science as seriously as I do Einstein didn’t take science as

Seriously as you do I knew I should have gotten somebody else for a partner I can’t turn this in people think I’m an idiot what are you trying to say I said it once and I’m going to say it again this sucks you know what if you want to

Do something else well then do something else I’m not going to let you screw the whole thing up you know there’s a reason why you didn’t have a friend till I came along there’s a reason you don’t have a friend now it was like Andrew ridgley leaving Wham everybody hat Relle I thought I asked you not to buy these name brands oh well honey I fig forget it I forgot you use food stamps uh-huh we use food stamps mommy you know we Tanya why don’t you go get your daddy some syrup for his cereal for his pancakes

Baby you want some pick yeah I didn’t even know we had these yeah W man this toast is good what you do different I bought fresh bread we usually got our bread from the day old Bakery which was even cheaper when we got it from the 3-day old

Shelf that look says if you couldn’t whoop me I’d tell you know I’ve been thinking since I found this money we got over $100 left after you pay the light bill and get your hair done maybe we could Splurge for once Splurge yeah I mean

$100 I could take the day off I can sleep till 9: hey we could even go to a movie for once that was 1982 these days $100 won’t even buy you $20 um maybe that’s not such a good idea oh yes it is not every day you find money like that I

Know but you know maybe we should come on you getting your hair done why can’t I treat my myself to something I I’m just saying we shouldn’t rush into anything you know you know what baby you right hey I’m right you right I hear you I’m going to take a

Nap and figure out how to spend this money some people count as sheep my father counted cheap don’t you have to go to work not right now I’m going to be over by the electric company if you give me the money I can pay the light bill no no no I’ll do it

You just lay down and take a nap and rest easy I I’ll take care of it that’s a cross could you give me a pillow please sure pillow for julus go ah baby thank you I hate to admit it but the first real breakup I ever had wasn’t with a

Girl it was with gray give me back Mercury go ahead you can have it I brought Earth into this project so it’s rightfully mine he where’s my Earth it got burned up by the sun you know what I’m going to get another partner then we’re going to

Finish this and Slaughter you yeah well I’m going to get one too go ahead I will bye shoot there’s two more girls I can scratch off my list you know what instead of spending all that money on ourselves why don’t you me and the kids go to the movies on

Friday well isn’t that expensive we got it it could be fun we could go see Rocky 3 at the dollar show kids love Rocky usually my mother would jump at going to the movies because with three kids she never had time as a matter of fact here’s the last movie she Saw no movies on TV every Friday you know there’s no gum on the floor no rats running through the aisles you can get up and go to the bathro bathroom as much as you like oh as a matter of fact Friday night The Ghost and Mr Chicken is

On why would I need to go to the movies because you always complaining about how I never take you to the movies well we tired you know I just want to stay home okay you never really appreciate a friend until you try to find another one

Did you see Night Rider last night no did you see the Celtics came no I didn’t think so saltic see if I had have known there was a Puerto Rican kid in the school I would have hung out with him in the first place my mother couldn’t admit what she

Did so the only thing left for her to do was sell her food stamps food stamps I got those food stamps what what you got to speak up I can’t hear what you’re saying I said I got food stamps I got those food stamps oh whoopy damn do I got food stabs

Too excuse me fo steps come on girl you know you need listen I’m sure of my life bill I need to sell these food STS 50 Cent on the dollar oh no no no no thank you beat it beat it food stamps what food stamps 50 Cent on the Dollar right all right one at a time one at a time damn it my mother finally had to turn to the one guy she thought could help her risky now risky specialized in buying and selling things he wasn’t supposed to have come on risky man this

Is $200 worth of food stamp $200 worth of food stamps I’m trying to sell $2,000 worth of food stamps want to burn her you take food Stamps that’s right that’s right get out of my way no you get out of my way bye like Wars most fights are started by people who won’t get hit all right then pull my books hold my books hold my sweat hold my vest hold my watch my Star Trek bracelet oh my

Sho oh my shes where’d you get that it was either that I punch you in the face seriously no what are we going to do about the science project I got an idea what what he said what about us see come On my mother decided to hit the one place where selling food stamps would be easy food stamps 50 Cent on the dollar Bo 50 Cent on the dollar come on Taco I’ll take a Nick bag whiskey Melle what you doing you you selling weed no I’m not selling weed I’m

Selling food Dan oh who’s in get your jelly be head out here my excuse me did I just hear you say you were selling food Dan most certainly am not selling food stamps who said I was selling food stamps forelle hey hey I didn’t know you knew P

Hi P we just met yeah girl your hair looks good thank you my hair just that just came from a shop coincidence so what about those food stamps I’m not selling food stamps you selling food stamps no no no no well it l like to me that she was selling food

Stamp so uh uh where’s your shop oh it’s right up the block okay okay you look like you can use a touch up I sure I can um um U when’s your next appointment oh no no she can take you now can’t you P really oh well yeah I just came to get

Some lunch but you know my next appointment isn’t for another hour see there you go I’ll see yall later all right girl yall see that lady selling food stamps let me know well do take care looking good girl so where’s your shop girl is right

Up the street come on here we girl come I you right now all right still wish Earth was further away from the Sun think we can win it are you kidding me we can’t beat a bug and Jello I’ll go to school in your neighborhood you’re right

This looks great Frank this for science project hey you can’t do that what are you going to do about it all the science in the world is no match for a guy who can smack the taste out of your mouth Caruso couldn’t spell solar system but

Since he could kick both our asses that meant the universe was his yeah at least we beat the jello bug oh Mom your hair looks great thank you baby hey Dad can we get Frosted Flakes next time we go to the store I don’t know did you spend all the food St

Hey Ma now that we have fresh bread can you have french toast I’ve never had it when the bread wasn’t smashed it was Michelle I know you don’t want to go to the movies but can you at least think about it we’re going to the movies Rocky

3 oh if your mother wants to go even though my mother cared about what people thought she cared a little more about what we thought I have a confession to make what’s wrong we don’t have the money to go to the movies what are you talking about

After your hair in the light bill you should have at least $30 left over well I use it to buy groceries what I told I don’t like shopping with food stamps Sheila was in the store when I was there and I just got a little embarrassed I

Didn’t want her to think we couldn’t afford food you know what forget about it it’s no big deal money is money we can still buy groceries with food stamps you bought those named Brands so we going to have to make it stretch so get generic we ain’t got the food St

What oh I gave it to my hairdresser to fix my perm that was $200 worth of food stamp baby she only gave me$ 25 cents on a dollar what do you want me to do you couldn’t talk up the 27 Cent you know what hey at least you paid the light bill [Applause] Chris I didn’t do anything I know I Know bring your ass up to the stage I’m knocking head off I swear to God some tonight is going to be mean let it happen have a good time unattracted people are very needy always want something excuse me excuse me you know where I can no I don’t

No right what it is you already knowest of when you first become a teenager you think it’s cool to just be a teenager then you find out no matter how cool you act if you don’t look cool you might as well be 5 years old and the coolest

Thing you could have when I was 13 was a leather jacket he might not have a daddy but he’s got a leather Jacket Kea you got a leather jacket too my mom just got off lway for me no I was thinking about getting you want you are why look at me I’m skinny and I’m short I’m not going to become cool overnight you don’t look that bad though yeah but I need

Something you think a leather jacket would help I guess all I was thinking is that the right leather jacket would have turned me from this guy into this guy Chris that leather jacket is cool let’s hang out asum as I’m finished posing I knew where to get a leather jacket now

All I needed was Money make It A leather jacket what do you need a leather jacket for he just said it was cool you think a leather jacket’s going to make you cool made these guys gazillionaires it could the only thing is I don’t have $50 just save up your allowance a what an allowance it’s my

That your parents give you every week I had heard about allowances but I didn’t know they actually existed I thought it was just something that happened on TV here you go son $1,000 thank you Father since my father was always working he always seemed kind of grumpy

It seemed like there was never a good time to ask my father for money Daddy can I have $15 to go on a field Tri to the Statue of Liberty okay hey Dad can I have $5 to go to the show okay baby can I get $25 to go shopping

Okay it looks like this might be a good time after all hey Dad can I get a leather jacket a leather jacket you got some leather jacket money what do you need a leather jacket for what’s wrong with Drew’s old cooth instead of Drew wearing my old clothes I wore his old

Clothes I think I was the first kid to get handmeups it’s too small it’s out of style and it’s just not cool it’s supposed to be cool it’s supposed to be warm being warm is cool I’m not asking you to buy it I’ll save up save up what

I was hoping you can give me an allowance I know it sounded like an innocent enough question but here’s what he heard since you work like a slave all day and don’t have any time to enjoy your own money can I have it I’m not giving you money for walking

Around doing nothing an allowance I allow you to sleep here at night I allow allow you to eat them potatoes I allow you to use my lights I allow you to drink my Kool-Aid I allow you to nibble on them green beans I allow you to look

At that TV I allow you to run up my gas bill I allow you to walk up my stairs I allow you to ask me these ridiculous ass questions why should I give you an allowance when I already pay for everything you do who you know that gets an allowance huh I’m

Finished I was talking to Greg and he said that he gets $5 a week sounds like Greg’s doing better than me I asked him for an allowance you want to buy a leather coat you need to get a leather coat job while things might have been tight

With my father my mother was getting loose she was always happy when she had the house to herself she caught up on her reading she talked on the phone she ate expensive candy she hid from us but there was one thing thing that she never counted on to mess up her Day M what are y’all doing here something went wrong at our school something about the paint before bending machines were put into schools hungry kids often snacked on lead paint chips M this is Good if we had lce we ate the asbest me me come on me hey give me some so we can go back after they finish repenting our classrooms all right well y’all stay out on my way cuz I’m cleaning up what are we going to do all day I don’t know go

Play y’all better not mess up my house till after 4:30 I mean es bestus kills little paint ain’t going to hurt after a day out of of school my mother wasn’t having any fun and neither were Tanya and Drew what are you doing nothing when broke kids

Get bored they play one of the cheapest games ever invented I dare you I dare you to put these ice cubes under your armpit but how long 1 minute okay wo one two count normal time three what is wrong with you I dare him to put ice cubes under his arms take the

Ice Cube from under your arm not in the glass boy people got to drink from that okay I dare you to drink it you better not that’s nasty I’m not you know what since y’all want to DARE so bad why don’t y’all dare each other

To sit down and act like y’all got some sense how about that oo I’ll be glad when y’all go back to school y’all driving me up a wall W two walls now you have to do something that’s nasty meanwhile I felt like the only guy on

Earth without a leather jacket you got a leather jacket cool huh my dad got it for at the Army Surplus Store hey weren’t you the one who said that leather didn’t make you cool yeah but I was wrong so what did your dad say about an

Allowance he said no for about 2 hours hi Greg nice jacket wait she’s talking to you cool huh I got to get me a leather jacket finding a job when you’re 13 is not the easiest thing to do I applied for a easy job now

Why would I pay you to put groceries in a bag when I can put them in a bag my damn self I applied for hard job security guard huh you have been shot I even applied for jobs I didn’t know I was applying for any good with

Matches there’s a new bobit on the Block he needs to be taught a lesson I dare you to slide down these stairs on your back give me the towel only place more dangerous than the streets of Brooklyn were the hallways of Brooklyn after running out of options I

Could only think of one person that could help me find work hey Dad can you help me get the job what I want to get a leather jacket and I’ve been trying to get a job but it’s not working out so far you want it that bad huh

Yeah you want to come to work with me for real yeah tomorrow Saturday you can come do deliveries with me I’ll be back in a few hours now be downstairs at 3:30 not 3:31 don’t worry I’ll be down early no such thing as early either on time or

You’re late I was committed to getting that jacket nothing was going to stop me nothing except a Nap Everybody hates chis it up I thought my father would be really mad that I miss work instead of getting a leather jacket I thought I was going to get a leather belt what happened to you this morning I overslept how come you didn’t come get

Me you the one want the job job ain’t going to wait for you in the Game of Death there are no rules there are no regulations and the game doesn’t end till somebody’s dead I dare you what you going to give me $2 drink it hurry up hurry up Tanya more drink It cool how is it give me my $2 the next morning I was up earlier than a marine with a paper route coffee working with my father was mindblowing I couldn’t believe how big it was how loud it was how fast everything was going I felt like an Amish kid in Vegas what’s up George hey her who’s this my son Chris who’s herk herk like Hercules a strong man the only other names I knew my father by were the ones my mother called them and they didn’t have nothing to do with being strong so little hert you funny like

Your old man my father’s funny a he ain’t that funny than you two corny my father never cursed that so here him curse at the job made me feel like I was in a secret Club get to work before I bring your mama back in here okay whatever you say hurt tell

Your mama to come back here too man the hey let’s get to work I haven’t heard cursing like that since my father stepped on my mother’s Bunion at home the Dead game was over but the trouble was just starting what’s wrong baby I heard you moing all the way from my room my stomach hurts really bad let me feel Oh no you’re burning up let me feel your Tong okay baby I’m going to take you to

The emergency room wait here I’m going get your cold Drew get up going to the doctor was serious business because usually if something was wrong with one of us my parents thought they could fix it with Robitussin ah I burn my finger let me see boy let me see I’ll take some robot

Tesing look like a tooth broker I’ll go get the robot tesing what Mama Chris just got hit by a car oh my God I’ll go get the robot tzin okay I’m not telling her you’re the one who drank it you darare me shh be quiet okay come on let’s go

It was cold outside I was tied and those papers were heavy I was starting to wonder if that leather jacket was worth it hey Chris what time you getting off never I got to pay off this jacket okay that’s it good now can we have a break we don’t get a break for

Another 3 Hours come on right if you watch TV you know that an emergency room is one of the most exciting places you can be wrong to New York yeah Charlie and up went back excuse me nurse um my baby’s stomach is killing her the thing about

People who work in emergency rooms is they’re not the ones with the emergency you are really but did you see Tracy last week with her new man but do you see me standing here with a sick child do you see me here talking to somebody quit hollering at people you know I

Don’t need this my man has three Jobs being at work with my father was one of the coolest things I ever did we broke laws hey hey we can make it hold on man hold on let’s go let’s go CSE people out hurry up let’s go get out of the way get my ass that’s right

Go that’s right that was one of the most exciting nights of my life we delivered papers in Brooklyn we delivered papers in Queens Little Italy Chinatown Spanish Harlem Puerto Rican Harlem the Bronx granch Village we delivered papers to people out even know who could read and after delivering more than 15 Tons worth

Of newspapers all I could think was where the hell is the Sun um number 36 the doctor will see you now oh no no no come on this is ridiculous who’s going to help my baby that man’s been shot well just because she’s not shot doesn’t mean she isn’t hurt if this wasn’t an emergency we wouldn’t have to come to the emergency

Room look if she doesn’t get to see a doctor we going to have to get you a doctor yeah now I’m sorry it took you so long to get in it’s about time somebody threatened to kick that nurse’s ass I think we have to run some tests

What kind of test well first we need to draw some blood little lady I’ll be right back baby you have to take the test in order for you to feel better Mom uh I have to tell you something what I dare tell to drink a hot sauce shake a hot sauce Shake girl

What in the world would you do that for he dared me doctor I don’t think that would be necessary my son dared her to drink a hot sauce shake a hot sauce Shake yeah you know vinegar hot sauce syrup and milk I didn’t know what make her that sick I know what to

Do here what is this hi a cat this is to induce vomiting when she’s done she may have a slight cough give her some robotussin she’ll be fine ain’t no fussing with the Tussing Julius you got to take that truck back over to the Calin I’ll do it tomorrow no

I need it done now you can’t find somebody else why should I find somebody else I found you I want that truck back over to the calp now the only person I ever saw tell my father what to do was my mother dad you’re just going to let him

Tell you what to do either that or I won’t have nothing to do come on ow that Hurt you worked hard yeah feels kind of good though don’t it yeah after everything I’d been through I understood my father a lot more because when you work that hard you think about every dime you spend and I was thinking about how I was going to spend mine

$25 that’s right you earned every penny don’t forget to ice down your arms but I need 50 for the jacket no you don’t you want 50 there a difference when I asked you for the jacket you said I should get a job and I got a job job didn’t pay enough man you

Got $25 I didn’t make my first $25 till I was 30 years old and I still got two of them look you want the jacket save your money you can work with me again next week okay bye mommy see you have a good day at school a few days later Drew and

Tanya were back in school and my mother could go back to her routine I’ve never seen a woman so happy to Clean hello Hello meanwhile I was still wishing that my job had worked out a little better after all I had gone through with my father I appreciated him that much more he man how you like my jacket you got that one I got the last one on

Say but I didn’t go out in the middle of the night and do all that work for Nothing aren’t you hot in that thing please I’m fine Chris [Applause] oh oh make It [Applause] Why don’t you go ahead and put us in the room today we’re talking about the notorious b these are the isolated vocals from Blue Monday Bry Spears Metallica Prince Nirvana people want to dance people want that Groove wow I love it when R fra says release the wiggle that thing is going

Everywhere it’s an earthquake going to be careful you’re going to hear the song completely differently after you listen to the episode I was just thinking that as rough as I had it as a kid even I got excited when Christmas came around Chris how do you spell cabbage c a b b a

G e thanks cabbage petch oh Chris look at this cool BMX bike oh that’s cool Chris what do you put on your list I’m not writing a list that’s for kids I wasn’t writing a list because the only thing I wanted was a portable cassette player having a Walkman meant you could

Even listen to bad music and nobody had to know I had been leaving that ad all over the house so I was pretty sure my mother got the Hint Since I only wanted one gift I knew I’d get it this was going to be the best Christmas ever happy Quanza well maybe not Ever a make It I’m getting a kico vision wait you have an Atari and you’re getting a kico vision yeah what are you getting I’m getting a Walkman no way is there anything I’ve been asking for I have a kill for one of those so lucky how come your dad doesn’t

Get you one censorship he wants to make sure he can hear the music I’m listening to first rap was fun then rap was gun let me go you you’re P both of you West Side jeez meot years later Greg played some Ice Cube and his own father shot him

Class since this is the season of giving I’d like you all to bring in canned food items so we can donate them to those less fortunate it’s funny how most people only think about feeding the needy during Christmas I’m sure there’s a lot of hungry people during

President’s Day yes Chris do we have to bring in cans can we bring in like boxes of food you don’t have to bring anything but that’s very thoughtful of you I know this time of year must be hard for your family no we’re doing fine I

Know I know she made it seem like we were having a bowl of steam for dinner that night who used up all the hot water it’s 5° outside what you trying to do kill me Chris said it was cool when he took a shower earlier the hot water heat is probably

Broken again do you think you can fix it I’m already holding it together with duct tape and Hangers we just going to have to replace it oh baby how much you think that’s going to cost more than I got will we still have enough money to buy Christmas presents thought you

Finished shopping oh I bought a few things for Drew and Tanya but I have got to get that Walkman for Chris I mean he’s been giving me hints and clues since Thanksgiving these kids get too many gifts on Christmas when I was a kid instead of buying gifts my father used

To call the cops on Christmas and tell us the house got robbed in order to make extra money for Christmas my father would do any job that’ll be $30 he worked as a cab driver that’s okay it was easy for him to pick up our jobs for extra money when he needed it

Merry Christmas L Roser he worked as a lit Roller he even worked as an oil taster this is 10W30 you need 10w40 now that’s a father Drew Drew Drew ow what’ you do that for how do you spell Malibu m a l i Buu are you still writing that stupid Christmas list it’s not stupid yes it is

Everybody knows there’s no Santa Claus Tony that’s not true and it’s not stupid you’re stupid you’re stupid you’re stupid stop calling your sister stupid my mother had a maze and hearing we couldn’t do anything in that house without her hearing it C quit throwing cotton balls all over the

Place what are y’all arguing about nothing truth say there’s no such thing as Santa Claus what are you talking about Boy of course there’s a Santa Claus baby hey hey what’s up bro hey Mama we’re having a food drive at school can I bring some canned goods okay but don’t take generic

Brands only store brands I do not want those people thinking we can’t afford to donate food my mother would give away all the food we had and she thought it would prove we didn’t need it how come you say my list is stupid because everybody knows there’s no Santa

Claus come here let me show you something where are we going I’m taking you to the toys Santa doesn’t come down the chimney we don’t even have a chimney we have radiators have you ever heard of Santa Claus coming through radiators but how can we have our toys already if I

Haven’t even finished my list because cuz hey man what you doing I’m taking canned goods to school for the needy that’s $289 worth of food what you trying to do feed the needy or be the needy roelle Julius my parents tried not to argue in front of the kids so instead they just made faces They make curse out faces too but we can’t show you those meanwhile Drew is showing Tanya something no kid should see see I told You oh Cool T you wasn’t the only one having a bad day is there something wrong have a seat baby the last time they asked me to sit down before they told me something The Jackson 5 broke up hey Chris um baby look I know you’ve been looking forward to getting that new

Walkman for Christmas and Chris I’ve always wanted my kids to have a better Christmas than I had growing up but the older you get the more you learn about the sacrifices you have to make sacrifices um uh like not getting a new pair of work boots so you kids can have shoes or

Like taking the subway to work so your wife could use the car Mom Dad I’m 13 well you’re not getting a present for Christmas he said that like we’re out of bacon we got to buy a new water heater well then we need a plan to tell you and time

Tell them what yeah they’re not getting any presents for Christmas who said they weren’t getting anything for Christmas wait they’re getting stuff and I’m not you’re older Chris they wouldn’t understand am I going to get anything a baby you’ll be able to use up all the

Hot water you want so all I’m getting is a clean ass steing hot so you’re not getting anything for Christmas nope man nothing for Christmas isn’t that considered child abuse should does feel like it they’re at least going to put something in your stocking right maybe some leftover sausage there’s got

To be a laot against this oh Chris look at you you didn’t have to bring any food sometimes I forget how strong your people are what what do you mean how strong my people are what do I mean how strong your people are you shall overcome someday see me after class I have

Something for you okay do I look like Malcolm X to you lady how would you like to overcome a Brick T I thought you were going to put up the decorations I don’t want to now why not because you and Daddy lied to me we lied to you about what I know there’s no such thing as Santa Claus when my mother heard Tanya say those words it was like

She wasn’t her baby anymore so what else did you lie to me about are you really going to kick me out if I get pregnant is it true you ain’t taking care of no baby can I really not bring a white boy home does the former Grill really knock

Out the fat can I really get along with no money down are you my real mother mama I won’t answer Tanya like Mommy told you there is a Santa Claus so how come there’s a room upstairs full of presents who told you that Drew showed me Drew get in

Here yes Mom did you show Tanya the presentence upstairs yeah we need to talk no hold on Mama no no wait my mother talk about beating us all the time but the only time she ever beat us is when she said she wanted to talk and

She talked the hell out of Drew that Night what’s all this stuff I got it from my teacher she thinks that we’re under privilege in starving oh no MM absolutely not I’m not going to have them people thinking that we don’t have anything to eat she wasn’t too proud to take those olives where you

Going I’m taking this to put some more food in it cuz you taking this back to school tomorrow my mother was so upset about people thinking we needed Charity she almost forgot she felt guilty about not getting me a gift Chris wait a minute

Look I’m sorry I know all of this is not your fault and I know it seems kind of crazy with me giving back free food and we can’t even afford to buy you a Christmas gift it’s okay after that my mother gave me the one gift she could afford she was really

Nice to me who needs Christmas when all your wildest dreams come true Chris get the big piece I got the big piece of chicken Merry Christmas I didn’t have to do any chores Tanya wash the dishes I about you thought wrong I got Tanya in trouble ow Mama T you hit me

Twice it felt so good I was thinking what life would be like if I never got a present get up and let your brother watch TV come on but nothing get up I wonder what I could get if the roof caved in Hey Drew can you pass me the remote yeah right gosh I couldn’t believe how good I had it meanwhile Tanya didn’t believe anything mama is cornbread made of corn no I think it’s made of cornmeal why just chicken Bo you want Santa Claus to bring you some cornbread

For Christmas yeah he can bring it with your Cabbage Patch doll hey hey stop it okay enough leave your sister alone do you believed in the Easter Bunny till you was about her ra and Chris you damn near lost all your teeth before you stopped believing in a toothberry

There’s no Easter Bunny or two fairy Either no baby he he he didn’t mean that somebody better give me my teeth back baby I didn’t mean it I I didn’t mean it oh yes I I want my teeth back baby no we were joking it’s a joke it’s a it’s a joke that’s her she said Santa can’t

Come to our house cuz all we have is space heaters and Santa can’t come through a space heater what kind of children are you raising this girl is going around town crushing dreams is that what you want her to be a Dream Crusher nobody that girl needs to be stopped

Tanya is the truth normally my mother would smack the grease out of Tanya’s hair but she couldn’t smack her for telling the truth what’s that my mom made me bring all this stuff back to proof that we can afford to donate food hey yo I got something for you hey what’s this open

It computer games who is it George Clinton there’s a song on there Atomic Dog I heard on the radio it’s really funny you think I like it I don’t know when you finally do get your Walkman at least you have a tape I always liked that Greg was so optimistic to this day

He still thinks Alby Shaw is going to make a comeback but if Santa Claus is not real why do people make it up Tanya Santa is just a way to teach kids about the spirit of giving he’s just a symbol that’s all oh Tanya you’re a big girl and now that

You’re old enough to know the truth it’s your responsibility to not spoil it for other kids okay because you want to give them Something to Believe In exactly that’s my big girl so you do understand yeah it’s okay to lie a good night mommy you think explaining Santa Claus to Tanya was hard

You should have been there for the birds and the bees m m that’s Nasty nobody ever seems to get any sleep on Christmas Eve everybody’s up for different reasons what you doing baby sit now milk and cookies we talked about this we did and they’re not for Santa they’re for you thank you baby but since I wasn’t getting anything I didn’t have that

Problem on Christmas morning I even took my time going downstairs now that Tanya knew there wasn’t a Santa Claus her complaints went directly to my mother mama I wanted a cat trash doll with long hair how about you have no doll with no hair oh thank you

Okay Chris this one is for you baby is a new album open it and find out they were giving those away at the doctor’s office I deliver papers to I thought you could use it for school thanks I will hey Chris what’d you get a calendar a

Calendar yeah that’s what I wanted see now look here did you know that may is high blood pressure month no what if he had a calendar see all of y’all should ask for calendars next year that’s a good idea hey Chris you want to go ride

My bike from the outside later by later he meant summer yeah sure hey Chris you can have this are you sure yeah I’m sure baby that’s so nice that’s what I thought too yes I wi again and your face what now I don’t get New Year’s thank you for what but the way

You handled not getting what you wanted you really made us proud you and kids then you Christmas presents more than me you know you’re really growing up Chris it’s kind of nice having another man around the house it was weird that moment with my parents felt better than

Any gift I ever got here you go what’s this toy store coupon 50% off it’s good till March by the end of the day it didn’t even matter anymore that I didn’t have a gift because I had a good day and right now I’m with Mrs Vivian Morel hey that’s

My teach doing tonight is MHM every year my students collect food for the very poorest most destitute and needest families and these people are so poor they probably don’t have anything but the clothes on their backs even though they’re embarrassingly underprivileged they’re just too proud to ask for help

Too proud to ask for help and they’re poor and tonight we’re going to give a family this basket now who wants somebody coming to their door on TV talking about how poor they are so I’ll get it got it Merry Christmas [Applause] C bring your ass up to the stage I’m a knock a head off I swear to God unattracted people are very needy excuse me excuse me Of all the things in school that could affect your life forever making friends taking tests the one thing that could really affect it was your school picture if your picture looked good everybody thought you were cool and every girl wanted one I got one ladies ladies

Please I’m signing as fast as I can Chris only has one hand when you took a bad picture it was like giving out a penis hey I got the MUA picture 5 it’s 5×7 I got the wallet size hey I’ll frame it up for you I will frame it up for you

So this year I had to prepare and the first thing I had to do was find the right outfit I really wanted it to look good the problem was my mother wanted me to look good too Chris I got your outfit for picture day only thing missing was a hat with a propeller

Oh make it Now ah Chris you look sharp I look stupid how come I have to wear Drew’s old stuff oh baby I had to buy drew a new pair of pants and t a new pair of shoes for their school pictures what’s wrong you look fine my father thought any clothes were good clothes well

That’s cuz he didn’t have matching socks till he was 29 I look like an idiot baby you do not look like an idiot to me that’d be great if I was to well can I please wear something else as long as I don’t have to pay for it

Just find something something to we and I’ll take a look at it okay I don’t have anything special when I was a kid we didn’t need special clothes just having clothes was special the only way I was going to get my mother to spend money on

Me was if not doing it would embarrass her well I’m the only black kid in the whole school they already think I’m a crack baby wearing this sweater they’ll probably think I’m a welfare who said we want welfare be home from school on time tomorrow we’re going to go shopping I

Thought you said we didn’t have the money no I’ll get it only thinking we on welfare if people thought we were homeless I could have got some leather socks we do when my mother couldn’t get any business to hire her she will start her own business from home the secret to

Success in selling yavon Cosmetics is an attitude now when I started selling yon I was like a lot of you I was raising my kids doing housework and wondering where I went wrong but since I’ve divorced my husband my kids moved in with my mother and just last mon

I won an award the yavon yellow Buick Riviera wait so how can we make money again well you do like me you sell your products to women like yourself then they sell them to women like them now isn’t that The Pyramid game no of course not we use the triangulated vertical

Integration model or tvi for short tvi work from the bottom up this is your business ladies there is no one below you so that means we’re at the top no you’re at the bottom but that’s as high as you can go Count Me In to yeah girl

We going to make some while my mother was keeping it together Tanya was tearing things apart you broke my car it fell it didn’t just fall what were you doing here anyway I was trying to say my dog ride in it it’s a model car nobody

Supposed to fit in it it’s just a stupid car hard Drew say you’re sorry I ain’t saying nothing Drew was a pretty nice guy but if you crossed him it was a whole different game that’s all right translation you done messed up what’s all this Ivon Cosmetics I’m

Going to be a sales rep you’re not working from home again are you my father hated when my mother went into business for herself I know it’s January sir but candy corn is not just for for Halloween anymore she ran up the phone bill she put my father to work what you

Mean you got to put it together yourself what size shoe you wear and she was always eating well supper Weare is just like Tupperware except it’s for us how much does all this cost $75 where’d you get $75 from our savings account how are we supposed to save

Anything if you keep taking money out I need money to buy a new outfit for Chris’s picture day but if you don’t think that I can do it and fine translation how come you always putting me down it’s not that I I just don’t want all these women hanging out over

Here running their mouth eating our food and wasting your time it’s not going to be a waste of time all right meanwhile Drew was getting revenge and Tanya couldn’t tell how what are you doing in my room are you going to say sorry no okay that’s the same thing

Martha Stewart said before they sent her to jail hey what happened to your hair I want to try something new for picture day man you should try again come on man it’s like Billy Idol it’s just hair gel yeah but on picture day aren’t you supposed to look like I don’t know you

It’s either this or Boy George Boy George man the girls would been all over you what about for your picture you do anything special my mom’s taking me shopping after school for a new outfit get out what are you going to get I don’t know anything that does not have a

Big red fir truck on nice hair waiting for a white wedding you should have seen Greg on picture day after he started listening to zzy top irwins was our neighborhood clothing store before rappers had clothing lines you can get an outfit for under $40 welcome to irwins thank you um we’re

Looking for an outfit with the right outfit you can beat any charge I’m not charged with anything we’re just looking for an outfit for his school pictures oh oh okay good stay in school kid it’ll keep you out of jail yeah that and not breaking the law

Come here you know what good clothes look like please Okay now put it B to find the perfect outfit for picture day I tried out all kinds of looks the Isaac Hayes Look good on Kingler the Rerun boy getting there thirst H the Third and finally the please mama can I have it we got Chris a new outfit for a school picture it’s so cool I have a suede front shirt you got Chris a suede shirt I don’t even have Suede Shoes how much does a suede shirt cost don’t worry

Julius I’ll pay for it out of my ion money you sold all that stuff already I’m having a party tomorrow you having a party I wish I was having a party so Tanya um I was trying to put your outfit together for your school picture and I

Was only able to find one shoe where’s your other shoe huh your shoes your brand new pair of shoes one is missing where’s the other one I wish I could afford to lose a shoe Drew took it no I didn’t the only way Tanya could tell on

Drew was if she told on herself so she had a choice to make and it kind of made her feel like this you’re a low down line Yaky prove it why would you take take your shoe I don’t know I wish I could afford to not

No stuff well you need to stop lying on people and find your shoe there was only a few times at my school that I actually felt good now the day I showed up in a suede front shirt that was one of them yo what’s that Craig’s look went from Billy Idol

To his other Idol Pat Riley there Chris hey uggie bear nice shirt when you get done you can make some hush puppies out of it he’s just jealous I had never had another kid feel jealous of me before it felt kind of cool and then this happened my clothes are going oh man

They’re taking pictures Next Period don’t you think I know that everybody hat Chris it’s wrong scat man where’d you put my clothes I don’t know what you’re talking about you do know what I’m talking talking about you stole my clothes did you see me steal your clothes maybe you lost them well maybe your mama lost them what that shirt cost

$35 and I want it back I don’t have it nipy we going to see about that I knew Caruso would never give me back my clothes unless I proved I was willing to do what I needed to do so I told on him he stole my clothes no I didn’t Mrs

Malone was the school’s assistant principal she was promoted to the position after proving the only thing she hated more than kids what’s working with kids stop it both of you I don’t have time for this if you stole his clothes give them back now I didn’t see told

You I don’t like liars young man lie to me again that’s detention I wonder what I would have gotten if I stomped on a big toe I can’t take my pictures in this you might not have to come on my mother was good at buying stuff

But she was never any good at selling okay ladies can I have your attention please these women are worse than pigeons in Central Park ladies can can I have your attention please I think um ladies how about we all have a seat yeah in here please take a seat thank you please be

Seated okay I would like to tell you about the benefits of buying and selling Ivon Cosmetics this slime what is that oh this is a a lightskinn blemish cream it remov no no no I’m talking about the sauce on these Wings good oh those are honey

Barbecue yeah so um with the these are good I mean good thank you very much I appreciate that so getting back to the Cosmetic line um what we need to do ladies is position ourselves what’s your name again my name name is Rochelle yeah with the Von Cosmetics you

Need to position yourself in order you know what I am late I have got to go pick up my sister’s son I am so sorry but this is really nice it really was but wait I I didn’t explain to you the marketing strategy for Avon cosm you

Know what we we we’ll come back again next time all right then you know I’m sorry you know what I got to go too I know I know I’m so sorry I got to go it’s getting late you so sweet God bless your little heart you just as SC as you

Can be I you too I this was great let us know when you want to do it again they ran out of there like keyth Sweat tickets were on sale how y just SP all this money they ate all this if you say I told you so they might be the last words

You ever say that’s not what I was going to say oh it’s not no oh well what were you going to say you need to get it together what I put $75 into this so as far as I’m concerned that makes us partners and I want my

Money back you think people are just going to buy this junk look I tried to give my speech Julius nobody cares about that this is makeup it’s not heat it’s not lights it’s not clothes I don’t know how you going to sell this stuff but

Either you going to get my money or I’m going to get my money now how you going to get your money I don’t know but I’m going to get my money you’ve got to be kidding me what choice do you have my mother spent $35 on a new shirt for me

To wear I can’t take a picture and lost and found clothes what you spend on the pictures $15 oh she’s going to kill me you better take this picture at least you have something to remember you by the only thing Greg was worse at than fighting was cheering people

Up it’s not it’s not bad if I had known kids were losing clothes this cool I would have never gone shopping in the first place thank you thanks buddy all right buddy go ahead and take a spot back to by the girl in the pink back row

And you can sit right here buddy this looks like the educated wuang Clan all right smile one hold on one second Chris will you step into the hallway go ahead we’ll wait what’s going on he stole my shoes that’s my sweater that’s my shirt those are my

Pants how the hell did he get home with no pants I didn’t steal them I got them from the lost and found did you lose them no then you can’t find them you better find something to wear you can’t take a picture in your underwear I guess nobody ever told Prince that

Where’d you get that drama Department I felt better in my underwear just stay back here nobody will notice you hey kid can you kind of slide over some who me yeah you nah it’s it’s no good you know what just come up front I’d rather stay back

Here come on your mother be able to see you and you won’t be lost in the back row my day was going bad but my mother’s was going work ladies ladies can I can I please get your attention oh roelle that this was just great um I got to go but

Uh let me know when you’re going to do this oh no no no no you are not leaving sit down oh you two sit down we do not appreciate being talked to like this shut up now I bought you here to sell some Evon and by damn it I’m going to sell some

Ivon roelle that is not the way we sell yon be quiet now let me ask y’all a question why are you here to buy and sell Ivon no you’re here because you can’t get a man we’re here because we don’t need a man didn’t I tell you to be

Quiet now I know y’all say I don’t want a man and I know you say you don’t need a man but the truth is you can’t get a man what you talking about about Willis look at her you think she don’t want a man why do you think she wears all this

Makeup believe it or not the hea is 62 years old but she looks good and if you want to look like this when you 62 I suggest that you purchase some hion come on baby please come go come here cuz I saw the dry scalp from across

The room and you know what you got to get this skin right in here you know it’s always ashy got thank you so much it was great have you girl stop stealing crackers take care all right all right girl no more chicken all right take care that little

Boy I have to tell you I’ve never seen anything like this in my life you know what we should do next we should schedule another party but this time let’s do it at my house but but I still want you to bring the chicken you know what that sounds really

Great great when do you want to do it on your 63rd Birthday hey is that my money this is your money this is my money women say that in divorce court every day you blocking my light Drew do you have my shoe I don’t know what you’re talking about Tanya why are you in here fooling around you have

A picture to take tomorrow you need to be looking for the other shoe now I’m sorry what I couldn’t hear you what’ you say drew was never the type to take advantage of people but Tanya had it coming so he was going to give it to her

I said I’m sorry sorry for what come on Drew dad I don’t know what you’re talking about Tanya I’m sorry for breaking your car and I won’t mess with yourself anymore and you’ll stay out of room yes good now give me my shoe back I don’t

Have a shoe all he wanted was to see her crawl tiny here thanks 3 hours later Tanya said his Voltron robot on fire oh Julius look at your baby girl girl she so she look so cute look at my handsome man oh you are just two five words look

At him Julian look at that how cute he is where’s your picture I hadn’t told my mother about the school picture but when they arrived I had no choice now before you look at the picture I have to tell you something what somebody stole my clothes somebody

Stole your clothes why in the world would somebody steal your clothes boy I got one please I’m trying to as best I can Joy only has one hand I don’t think you’re going to like them Chris even if I don’t like the pictures it’s not the end of the world

You are a handsome young man and I love you out of the way baby okay it cannot be that bad every now and again my mother made me feel like I wasn’t the biggest nerd in the world and for a moment I actually felt like the picture didn’t

Matter a jockey you took your pictures dressed as a lawn jocky what what they run out of monkey Suits