NecroVision – Horror of the Trenchbloom

The fog of war is hard on the eyes.

Chapters:
00:00 – Intro
04:36 – War is Kinda Bad You Know
10:35 – I Have No Idea What’s Going On
16:06 – There and Back Again
21:53 – Let’s Get Ramblin’
27:17 – Challenges
28:43 – The Dragon Returns
33:17 – Infernal Bloom
36:44 – End Credits

Links:
Patrons see episodes early: https://www.patreon.com/civvie11
Twitter: https://twitter.com/civvie11
Join the dungeon discord: https://discord.gg/nwArDS2yEH
Noelle’s (Credits composer) Channel: / @ameliedoree

#retrogaming #FPS #FreeCivvie

*Christmas music* [CIVVIE] Oh, god. No, that’s the Christmas intro, guys… that’s the Christmas intro. [AX3] Christmas now begins on September 25th. The algorithm demands holiday content. [CIVVIE] Oh, uh… We’re back! And we’re doing our traditional Halloween spooky season episodes.

It might be snowing outside but that’s only because I woke up in Antarctica this morning. [AX3] The algorithm demands genuine, relatable content. [CIVVIE] Okay, well, put up some decorations, and for the love of god, get me some coffee. Necrovision, developed by Polish studio The Farm 51. Fittingly made on the Painkiller engine,

As the devs would go on to make Painkiller: Hell and Damnation, that cheeky HD version of everyone’s favorite game to tell me to make a video on because while I enjoy me some Painkiller, you know, when the mood strikes me,

I think making a video on a game where you go from hallway to arena and run backwards is, uh… a really boring prospect. You might not think Necrovision is on the Painkiller engine from the game’s description. [AX3] “War is hell. “NecroVision is a first-person shooter that takes gamers

“across the frantic battlegrounds of World War I “and into a dark underworld of vampires, demons, and dark magic.” [CIVVIE] A World War 1 shooter! That is different! We’re so used to screwing over Hitler, we forget that we could also screw over the Kaiser! World War II is a fun romp,

And the sequel is always worse, so let’s dive in and… “Join the British army and discover the horror and mystery of the Great War.” Yeah! Horror and mystery! What am I playing The Sinking City? Katie, do we have a clip about joining the British Army? [ERIC IDLE] [CIVVIE] NO! NO! Stop right there!

I know what you’re gonna do. Not this time. You’ve been getting me shocked, beaten, paratamized, exsanguinated, optically stimulated, whatever, I’m not dealing with it, NOT TODAY! NOT WHEN YOU’RE 8,000 MILES AWAY! Now, obviously I am a man of courage – *sinister knocking on the door* *ominous growling* It’s fine, that’s probably a Yeti.

Man of courage, as a skill name, as the medium skill? All right, though it seems more dumb than brave to enter World War I. I didn’t care about Archduke Ferdinand. [NARRATOR] December 1916. The Great War enters its darkest hour. [CIVVIE] The narrator sounds like an AI voice and also thinks it’s December. Great.

[NARRATOR] Both the allies and the central powers are exhausted, devastated by the scale of the ongoing massacre. In one battle alone, the banks of the River Somme devour more than a million corpses, riddled with bullets, poisoned by gas, dismembered by shrapnel and torn down in ruthless hand-to-hand combat.

[CIVVIE] Okay, game, I’m already reeling, this is a long introduction. I know that most games ignore World War 1 but that doesn’t mean I need a history lesson. However, if you’re looking for more historical context, MandaloreGaming did a fine breakdown of this game on his channel, too. That’s not what gets me, though.

The camera is bobbing up and down like they’re trying to make it look like someone’s carrying it, Jesus, Poland, get a Steadicam, until it abandons that to do a flyover, Jesus, Poland, get a drone! [BRITISH SOLDIER] Get up, Soldier, it’s time! [CIVVIE] Oh, fuck yes! YES! Look at that dirty, disgusting ambient occlusion,

That graininess, that atrocious mid 2000’s bloom effect. This one’s a winner, kids. [SIMON] – Damn. [DALTON] – Damn. [SIMON] I dreamt someone was telling me not to wake up today. [CIVVIE] The game’s protagonist is Simon Bukner, a good old boy from Texas, who will grab a rifle and move to the assembly point.

[BRITISH COMMANDER] Listen up, Soldiers! It’s going to be over tonight! We’ll break through Jerries’ line with one strike! [CIVVIE] Ah, okay, this game takes place in 1916… [BRITISH COMMANDER] It’s going to be over tonight! Remember this hour! Tonight the forces of evil will be crushed once and for all!

This is the call of duty! [CIVVIE] – What a load of horseshit! [SOLDIER] – What a load of horseshit. [BRITISH COMMANDER] For King and country, boys, let’s destroy those bastards! [CIVVIE, posh accent] Oh, yes, uh, pardon me sir, but how might I exit this chicken-feces infantry? I was told… [ERIC IDLE]

[CIVVIE] KATIE, NO! [H4MM3R] No Python! *alarm blares* *growling* [CIVVIE] All right, men, let’s all cross the battlefield, single file… [BRITISH SOLDIER] It’s a trap! Take cover! [CIVVIE] All right, if that’s true I’m just gonna hang back and… [BRITISH SOLDIER] There’s a ruined farm nearby! We can hide in there!

[CIVVIE] I am incredibly confused. I’ve shot no one yet, the game is telling me about its second wind mechanic for when I’m nearly dead which… I seem to be nearly dead every other minute during this opening chapter, which simulates the horrors of war pretty well, I think.

What’s even more confusing is the game playing the intro video which is showing me what looks like a completely unrelated video game, one that’s really blurry and possibly not properly de-interlaced. I have so many questions. [SIMON] How long have I been out? [BRITISH SOLDIER] Do I look like a bloody cuckoo clock?!

[CIVVIE, awful British accent] Oi, you got a loicense for that bloomin’ accent there?! [SIMON] So… where are the rest of our men? [BRITISH SOLDIER] Are you insane?!!! We are the rest! We’re the last, the lost, the forgotten! The entire 3rd battalion is dead. Krauts took no prisoners.

Everyone outside got a bullet in the brain or swallowed a lungful of gas. [SIMON] Are you trying to tell me that the Germans couldn’t break their way in here? [BRITISH SOLDIER] Ha-ha-HA! What Germans?! If the Krauts had any idea someone was in here,

They’d just put a cannon to our backsides and blast us back to blighty! [CIVVIE, terrible British accent] Back to blighty, bruv?! [BRITISH SOLDIER] Back to blighty! [SIMON] So… if it wasn’t the Germans… who was trying to get in here? [CIVVIE] The Austrians? The Turks?

[BRITISH SOLDIER] The whole God damn 4th battalion, running away from the gas! They had no chance. [CIVVIE] Where is the game they showed me in the intro? You might be asking, “Hey Civvie, why are you showing all this?” Well, to set the tone, obviously!

You kids need to understand where this game is coming from. Trust me. [BRITISH SOLDIER] I’ve got some papers from a dead German officer. I know their patrol routes, their passwords, their secret weapons locations. I even know the name of his bloody maid, Helga! Look, look how fat she is.

[CIVVIE] Okay, so a little later I get to see the picture of Helga, and here that is. This is a game about the horrors of war. The game tells me to melee him, and I think knocking him out would be the smart play here. Enough good men have died.

You might be wondering why it says “knockout” on the screen instead of “You caved that man’s skull in with the butt of your pistol”. That’s part of the combo system we’ll talk about later. Yes, the combo system,

That loudly displays the names of the cool moves you’re doing in this game about the horrors of war. Gotta grab some dynamite and plant it on a wall to get out of here. There’s no context sensitive thing to tell you where to do that so just find some loose boards and go nuts.

What follows is… not great. The AI seems programmed to run right into me regardless of whether they have ranged attacks or not. It sends me right back into my hidey-hole. They’re more manageable there. Okay this is getting spooky. I seem to be getting shot from all directions.

Thankfully, my health seems to be regenerating. [BRITISH COMMANDER]This is the call of duty! [BRITISH SOLDIER] What a load of horseshit! [SIMON] Screw this! [CIVVIE] Oh, uh… what the fuck?! [HIDING SOLDIER] Get to the machine gun and bring down those flying pieces of junk. Kill the bastards!

You have to hurry. Our lads won’t hold out much longer. No, no wait! Just wait a few moments while I finish this letter, and take it to my Sarah! Please… [CIVVIE] Look, game, you can either have hilariously janky physics or you can have pathos, but you gotta choose one!

[SIMON] You want a piece of me?! [CIVVIE] Oh, yes, please. Give me more one-liners. [SIMON] The demons won’t protect you! [CIVVIE] “When you’re in trouble, unleash an adrenaline rush by pressing Left Alt. “Time slowdown will occur”… Oh okay, this is a tale about the horrors of war… with bullet time.

[SIMON] Did that scare you?! [CIVVIE] I’m so lost in the fog of war that I don’t recall using the bullet time yet. It activates on command, when you’re low on health, or during successful combos. I don’t really need it because all these guys are just rushing me in the trenches.

You know what I need for that? Oh yeah, that, the thing that scares Germans the most. Before I even get a chance to use it, spoiler alert : it doesn’t slam fire which is very disappointing, I have to talk to a German man with a gas mask.

I need that mask. Because of the gas, obviously. Now, there are gas masks lying around everywhere, but I guess I need this one specifically. When I say the gas mask is the worst thing in this game, you’d better believe I’m telling you god’s truth off the mountain, kids. The opacity is constantly changing,

Parts of it are differently transparent at different times, it’s not good. So far this game is a tonally confused mess that obeys all current laws of eurojank, and if I might, allow me to add one more thing to that list: Not having the player walk smoothly up stairs. Just, why?

[GERMAN SOLDIER] Boys… We have a problem here… [VAMPIRE CHOIR] That is what we want. Strong. Yes, he could lead them. He could change it all. But first he must defeat the traitor. The traitor has been playing God for too long now. All for himself. All for his own power.

But this one can change that. [CIVVIE] I’m gonna assume that Simon is dying from gas because the opacity on his mask was set too low. Katie, can you show me a mask- [ERIC IDLE] [CIVVIE] No… *growling and weird alien noises*

Half an hour into this game, I couldn’t tell you what the fuck it’s about. And that’s gotta be some kind of a record. I’m still shooting Germans with a pistol that… I’m sorry, what? Some enemies don’t rush at you with no consideration for their own survival.

Some of them need to be blown up. [SIMON] You wanna take me on? Do me a favor and die, will you? What are you, bullet proof? That’s got him! Well cooked, and easy on the onions! Nice shot, but I’m still standing! Oh my god… the walking dead! They’re for real!

[CIVVIE] Look, I know the word “necro” is in the title. I should have expected the supernatural, obviously. Shotguns continue to work best against the undead, as everyone knows. One thing you’ll encounter throughout if you’re playing this game is that ammo pickups aren’t labeled and you need to know them by sight.

Its a little easier later on and oh boy, you’ll see why. I don’t get a lot of time with dual machine guns. They spray lead everywhere. And again, I’m not getting into the combo system much yet because at this point in the game, it isn’t terribly important,

But I find it funny that I shot a zombie in the head and the game declared it was “fatal.” On a zombie. What I like to happen in my games is to walk up to some stairs and see a boss health meter appear.

And for the game to tell me my objective is to “defeat the wizard”. I assure you, this is coming out of nowhere and no context I would show you prior to this fight would give away that you’d be fighting a wizard. I don’t know, maybe in one of the readable things but… no.

While I’m running around trying to find the wizard and shoot the wizard, well, look at my screen! I’ve found a secret place, a Vampire Artifact, my maximum fury level is now 2, there’s a letter to read, and “how could he have survived here?” Maybe I shouldn’t be running around in a panic

So that this stuff might come up on my screen more organically but in my defense I’m in a boss fight. There are stingrays in the sky, I’m running around, I’m not shooting the boss because I don’t see him and- [SIMON] My bullets can’t pass through that shield.

Gonna have to get close to take him down. Yeah, nice meeting you too. God, what else is out there? [CIVVIE] Did I win? It says I won. [SIMON] What was that all about? [GERMAN SOLDIER] For saying God’s name in this place. You cannot do that! It’s blasphemy! [CIVVIE] WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?!?!

Oh, okay, I finished the level and unlocked a challenge room. More on those later. But, I could start every level with a shovel if I wanted, which makes no sense to me until the next level. I was captured at the end of the last level

But you would be forgiven for not knowing that if you watch the cutscene because the cutscenes in this game sometimes don’t really make any sense or tie into what’s happening. They’re a lot of still images with narration of H.J. Long story short :

A man named Zimmerman is gonna use me for science experiments. Or they’ll just beat the shit out of me, wander off and die, and leave me with my weapons. [WOUNDED SOLDIER] At first, we thought we were in luck… because they left us alive, you see.

We knew the assault was coming and hoped our boys would get through to free us. But then they started the torture. [CIVVIE] I feel you, my man, I get it. [WOUNDED SOLDIER] Before you go… I need a favor. [SIMON] Yeah? [WOUNDED SOLDIER] Give me your gun. They’re not going to take me alive.

[SIMON] Take it. [CIVVIE] Oh… *alert* Suicide is not something tolerated by the algorithm. *HEADSHOT from Unreal Tournament* *Civvie bursts out laughing* HE STILL… OH GOD… *he’s laughing his ass off* So aside from being able to dual-wield pistols, which is obviously the first thing I did,

You can cycle through your slot 1 weapons to choose between pistols and melee weapons. The combos help you regain fury and go into bullet time so you can slow things down and maybe hit this other bloom-y blue monster over here. The fury also increases your damage to the point of just electrifying shit.

There’s supposed to be lightning here, I’m told, and I’ve seen in other people’s gameplay, but here? Nah, there’s blue light, and the zombie next to this one clearly takes damage, but no lightning. So this combo system does have some pre-animated finishers that you get locked into.

Human enemies rushing at you kind of make sense now. This combo system is a little easier to show off against zombies since I’m not forced into using guns or taking cover. This whole level takes place in catacombs fighting Germans and German zombies. Also, more giant spiders! There’s never enough giant spiders!

There is some kind of underground lab where they’re making zombies, or something. The combo system is working its best right now and I’m starting to find some enjoyment in this game. Okay, so I think some of this game’s plot is starting to come into foc-

[SIMON] Holy mother of god! I thought I’d seen it all today! [CIVVIE] Despite being on the Painkiller engine, it doesn’t feel anything like Painkiller. Even when I’m being attacked by hordes of dogs, a thing that is happening with alarming frequency lately. [SIMON] Are you Zimmerman? Are you the man behind all this mess?

[ZIMMERMAN] No… No, my name is… Johann Merkel. I was Zimmerman’s assistant, but he’s long gone. [CIVVIE] Listen, man, I have been through a lot today and I need you to stop bullshitting me. [SIMON] Where is he? [ZIMMERMAN] Believe me, I would tell you if I knew.

[CIVVIE] If someone is lying to you, the first thing they will say is “believe me”. And you know I ask him where Zimmerman is and then- [DALE GRIBBLE] Pocket sand! [CIVVIE] OH, NO, FUCK! [ZIMMERMAN] You’re not so bright, eh? Goodbye for now.

I have a feeling we’ll be meeting again in the not-so-distant future! [CIVVIE] I wanna hate this guy because he was lying to me but this game just keeps taking weird turns so maybe he wasn’t lying to me? I just don’t know anymore. If you wanna know how confusing this game is,

This boss fight with one of these things, again, right he’s uh…. okay these are called vampire beasts because this game will not let me get a foothold in reality. So much so that I doubted a shotgun’s effectiveness, which truly means that I have lost my mind.

I find out in the next level that the kick you get is layered above your weapon, it’s above your weapon. If I could try to describe Necrovision, it would be that it is a game with an identity crisis. It seems to have no idea what it wants to be.

It has a lot of shitty, inaccurate weapons but the enemies run at you with the brains of… well, Painkiller enemies. It has a story that tries to be dark and heavy but also Helga, and even if it could sustain the serious tone it’s going for in the context of the so-far batshit story,

The gameplay would destroy any hope of that. So I’m just walking into this building and I come upon a guy interrogating a prisoner and instead of plowing through him like I do all these other guys, they capture me and put me in a cell next to J.R.R. Tolkien.

No, I’m not kidding, this isn’t a bit. [J.R.R. TOLKIEN] You showed me where the border lies. One command to rule them all, one route through trenches to find them, one demand to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them. [CIVVIE] Tolkien did serve in World War I,

But I’m pretty sure he never dealt with zombies or in-name-only vampires. You sleep in a bed and then the game allows you to continue, without your weapons, to fight one of these guards with melee attacks. But you know what? You just run up the stairs and get all your guns. See?

The goal of this mission is to get through the trenches and into Castle Jankenstein here, where you… uhh…. okay this was the most headache inducing part of this game. You go down into this… you know what, even though I can’t see what’s going on because of the gas, and the gas mask…

*zombie sound* You have to shoot little pieces of the kegs here but it’s just you to figure that out so you can short out the death robot in the wheelchair. There is no context where any of this makes sense. I fight another vampire beast… Try using the SMG here. Or anywhere.

This thing kicks like a spooked horse. This isn’t the important part, no, because we have to power something up inside of a lab in this castle to… uh… get to the mech section! [MECHANICAL VOICE] Take this machine, it has been waiting for you. And use it to obliterate the Necromancer.

You know you have no choice. [SIMON] And what then, after I manage to kill the bastard? Do I get to walk away? [MECHANICAL VOICE] When you fulfill your destiny, then you will be free. [SIMON] Oh yeah! Armed and dangerous!

[CIVVIE] Yeah, you weren’t expecting a mech section in a serious World War I game! Because that’s fucking insane! Vampire beasts can’t stand up to this mech. We’re shooting Germans, we’re shooting tanks, we’re walking like we’ve got a big metal dump in our pants,

And then, I think, we reach the point where the game veers so far off the rails that I stopped attempting to predict where it was going. Zimmerman returns. In a giant scorpion robot. [ZIMMERMAN] This weapon is much too strong for you. So I’ll destroy you first.

Then, I’ll destroy the men from my unit, and then the entire British and German armies. …they never supported me. But when I discovered the cave and all those devices… I knew! [CIVVIE] So anyway he’s got a ten-legged Scorpion tank. Why ten legs? Wouldn’t eight be easier?

Wouldn’t less polygons make this already poorly-running game run better? No! Fuck you! He’s got those recharging stations that 2000’s bosses loved to have so you have to shoot them and it’s not particularly interesting as a fight. He’s got some annoying flying enemies.

This is all just really not where I saw this game going. After I destroy his tank, I have to destroy him in this nauseating bit of gameplay where I try to dual-wield machine guns. I think he set the arena on fire but it doesn’t matter, my health on Normal skill regens to half.

What a weird modern shooter compromise. [SIMON] – Via con dios, amigo! – I’ve had enough of you! [CIVVIE] And now we get to take his wolverine claw, the Shadowhand. [ZIMMERMAN] At last, we meet. Face to face with destiny. I know, you think of me as a foul creature,

Guilty of conspiring with the devil. But you are wrong. They are lying to you… [CIVVIE] Oh, they’re the liars, huh? [ZIMMERMAN] No, my name is… Johann Merkel. [CIVVIE] Fuck you. [ZIMMERMAN] No, we needed the soldiers, there was no other option. [SIMON] Soldiers? You mean those monsters? And what do you mean “we”?

[ZIMMERMAN] You really don’t understand, do you? [CIVVIE] Was I supposed to? [ZIMMERMAN] The war on earth is nothing but a childish squabble compared to what will be unleashed if the demons take over the world. I admit I was playing god, trying to create an army from the legions of the undead.

An army that would protect not only the humans and their realm, but also the vampires living underground… [CIVVIE] Oh boy, here we go. [ZIMMERMAN] I am their servant, and now, so are you. [MECHANICAL VOICE] You must continue his mission. He has failed us. Now is your time.

[SIMON] I thought you said I’d be free when I killed him. [MECHANICAL VOICE] Are you not free? Did we not tell you the truth? [CIVVIE] Oh no, stop, seriously, what the fuck is going on? [SIMON] Death? What kind of freedom is that? [MECHANICAL VOICE] No. You are suspended between life and death.

You are not dead, but neither are you alive. This is the ideal moment for you to become the new Necromancer… lord of death and destruction… the Shadow Warrior… [LO WANG] Oooh, I thing my dinghy hanging out! *action music* [CIVVIE] ANOTHER FUCKING GAME FROM DUSK TILL’ DAWNED ME.

This game is like if they had two 4-hour campaigns and smashed them together. The second half of this game, while not completely, 100% different, like you are still playing the same character, just with a special gauntlet that gives him extra magical powers.

[MENTHOR] And now, my new host, show me what you are capable of. [SIMON] You’ve got a big mouth for a piece of ancient junk. [CIVVIE] Yeah, Simon’s voice is a bit deeper now that he’s a necromancer. Along with the deeper voice, we’ve got a wolverine claw, which unlocks a ton of new combos.

You’ve also got a fireball attack you can use when you’re all charged up with soul energy or whatever. There are other abilities you can unlock later, too. For now I gotta deal with the fact that practically every enemy you face from this point forward is totally new

And all of your weapons are totally new because you get a one-handed “vampire SMG”. The real twist in this game is that it doesn’t know what vampires are. The vampire SMG is the most accurate weapon I have, somehow, let’s say magic. And, as for the necromancer, for the first time on this show,

We can actually raise the dead to serve us. I didn’t have a lot of luck with it since it seemed to work exclusively on fodder enemies who have really bad path-finding. Good news though, the lightning works! *humorous music* I feel like the game loses some of its forward momentum now

Because instead of running through European trenches towards objectives, you’re playing Painkiller… -ish… The design of this level starts to bother me a little. My mission objective changes to “find a trigger to open the crate” which feels like a note left in from a beta version.

One, because I don’t think it opened a crate and two, because the lever to do it, which is identical to all levers in the game, is not as easy to find as you might think but I think that they intended it to be easy to find.

Look, they put a light source next to it, which would help if it wasn’t also obscured by other piles of rubble. I guess it helps differentiate the light brown thing from the dark brown thing. This game is less colorful than a Quake remake on the Game Boy.

I appreciate that the game is nice enough to make annoying flying enemies have less health than everything else. I’m not having a bad time, although the game’s roller-coaster of weird shit happening is what has kept me invested this far. The game liked the mech section so much

It brings it back for a romp through this underworld. I won’t call it Hell because of something we’ll run into later. Spoiler alert: it’s Hell. This level is more of a Hot Topic themed train station. At the end, I’ve got to fight this big thing again in gladiatorial combat.

Having an explosive attack that recharges helps a lot unless I’m getting mildly tail-whipped by a snake thing, then I die. Death is a pretty rare sight in this game for me. When you re-gen half your health, you won’t be doing many quick-loads. [VAMPIRE GUARDIAN] This is the end,

Not only for my people, but of all life. We have been betrayed! Our own kind have joined these evil beasts. [CIVVIE] This cutscene tells me that these creatures have now joined other creatures and I’m 100% done attempting to follow the plot of this game. Take me away, Necrovision, I’m yours!

[SIMON] You’re not one of them? [VAMPIRE GUARDIAN] No! I have not sold my soul to Mephisto! [CIVVIE] You… Mephisto? What? Okay, well, I have to close a hell portal to save the world. Because this horror-themed World War I shooter has gone completely off the fucking rails. Vampire shotgun? Okay.

One-handed and it’s way more useful than the trench gun, which should be punishable by time in The Hague. Not the trench gun itself, like the Germans wanted, but making the trench gun weak. Another thing that confuses me about this game

And one of the ideas that seems contradictory to the experience is all the weapon reloading. These are magic guns and I still can’t hold more than six shells in my shotgun. So much of this game is lost in a haze of mech sections and brown and bloom.

Hordes of the same enemies running straight at you and being cut down. I suppose this right here is why I never want to do a Painkiller video : it is just this, over and over, and while I don’t hate this, it’s nowhere near as interesting

As talking about finding J.R.R. Tolkien inside of a German prison. I get a vampire rocket launcher along the way so that I’m not relying on my World War I grenade-tipped sticks or my magic fireballs as much. [SIMON] My guns never tire!

[CIVVIE] Now, obviously if we get on a train, the train has to crash, right? [SIMON] Off the raaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiils! [CIVVIE] Yeah, no shit. That’s what I’ve been saying. [SIMON] Still alive, huh? That’s it. I’ve had enough of this crap. [CIVVIE] Handy Blazkowicz feels the same way about this story that I do.

The Shadowhand tries to pep talk me into caring but he’s not the one who has to fight even more giant spider creatures and giant rats with flamethrowers… Did they gas me? Did they put something in the vents? I’ve got another Shadowhand power to use,

This time it’s like a glowy dart that I can shoot at enemies. Ah, yes, “Bestial Penetration”, which is illegal in most states. *sheep baas* *smooth beat* There’s a separate menu with challenges that will give you upgrades in the main campaign. I want some of these.

I’m not gonna do the one that always gives you a shovel or the one that always gives you two pistols since it seems like that won’t help me much in the rest of the game. The always starting with armor one though? Yeah, let’s do that.

I have to kill a vampire beast with an SMG. No problem. [SIMON] Taste justice! [CIVVIE] That’s 1min 35s of my time in order to always have armor. Good deal! Next one wants me to kill 50 vampire fighters without being hurt to unlock a skill I end up almost never using. Okay.

The challenges get more time consuming as you go along. This one wants me to kill 200 “undeads” to get a Shadowhand spell called “ray of death”. Which, I’ll be honest, is more useful than the other spell, and I still don’t use it that much.

Though if I could line up a bunch of low-tier monsters, maybe it would work better. As it stands, it doesn’t seem to even faze big enemies. And this is the game now. We see the skeleton man in the wheelchair again and use guns to kill him this time.

That certainly didn’t work the last time and I spent a lot of ammo trying. And just as I’m getting used to this new normal, the game brings back our old friend… *epic music* [SIMON] You! I saw you before, high in the sky. But I thought that was some kind of mirage.

You’re real… An actual, living dragon! [NAGA] I am known as Naga, oldest of dragon kind, lord of the winds and firedrake prince. [CIVVIE] Yeah okay, did Tolkien write this part too? Am I gonna have to hear an entire novel worth of back-story and learn your fucking language?

The dragon wants me to free them so I guess the next objective is to free the dragon! I’ll bet there’s another 30 to 45 minute level to get that done. [NAGA] And I will help you, not because you saved my life, but because you bested me.

[CIVVIE] Or I can just pick him up in a cutscene. It was alluded to earlier that I had to “best” the dragon in order to control it but that part does not appear in this game. Anyway, December 16th, 1916, 12 miles beneath France,

Don’t worry about the logistics of that because it’s time for this level, this extended sequence in the heavy-handed “war-is-hell” game that started in World War 1 trenches and now starts to reach its climax with the hero riding a dragon. [SIMON] Yeah… Right… Wow! This is some ride! [NAGA] Focus, Shadow Warrior!

Mephisto’s legions are commanded by demon warlords, and they must be struck down before we can kill the lord of hell! [CIVVIE] Oh yeah, of course, we have to go kill the Devil now, too. I’m really sensing the logical progression of events. Sounds fun and, in concept, and maybe halfway in execution, it is.

The fire jet from the dragon can be a little unreliable as a weapon but you’re stuck with it. With the exception of the times where you have to get off the dragon and go destroy some shield generators because despite this taking place in 1916,

We can recycle tired busywork from games that take place centuries after. Now after I’ve finished this level, I unlocked another challenge room, “Serious Uncle Sam”. It rewards me with a vague “new special Shadowhand mode” and I’d tell you what that is but the game wanted me to kill 500 enemies to get it.

Look at this mess and tell me you’d do this challenge. Yeah, fuck that. From a video I found online posted 14 years ago in the resolution of a first generation PalmPilot, I learned this challenge gives you multiple new attacks for the Shadowhand, but I really don’t need them.

[DENNIS MILLER] I come from a simpler time when “palm pilot” was a nickname you received upon entering puberty. *laughs and cheers* [CIVVIE] I made Katie watch a whole Dennis Miller special from 2003 for this bit. That’s what you get, you bitch! [NAGA] We are near. I can smell demon blood.

This is Azazel’s domain. He is a powerful warrior, once an angel in the realm you humans call Heaven. [CIVVIE] Yeah, sure, Heaven, vampires, Naga… Azazel rides Cerberus which seems like it would put him at a disadvantage seeing as how I can fly.

Problem is, my fire doesn’t reach very far, doesn’t hit very well, and the secondary fireballs that actually hit things and do decent damage need to be charged up before using. And I need to use those on Azazel because he tosses you away if you get too close.

It turns out that I mortally wound Cerberus, the hell hound, with all of my fire based attacks, which I found kind of odd, and Azazel puts him out of his misery with a flaming sword, and adjusting for geothermal gradient, which is about 12°F per 1000 feet of depth,

And according to the beginning of this section, we’re 12 miles underground, which is a little over 63,000 feet, meaning the temperature where we are is about, oh, given seasonal temperatures in France in December, let’s call it an even 800°F, 427°C, which isn’t as hot as fire but I think it’ll do.

Now that I think about it, this is a stupid thing to point out about a video game where the protagonist rides a dragon and I’d like withdraw my last paragraph of pedantry. Azazel doesn’t give me as much trouble as the new supporting demons he’s sending after me.

I saw them a bit in the Serious Sam challenge and I hated them there, too. I don’t know their names and don’t tell me to look in the manual because I did and they’re not in there. Aside from them, we’ve got the weak flying enemies and Azazel himself,

Who I can dodge attacks from and whittle down with the SMG. [AZAZEL] You will be the willing slaves of my master, Mephisto, or the fires of hell will consume you. [SIMON] That’s not what’s gonna happen. Pity you won’t be alive to see me kill your master just like I killed you.

[CIVVIE] He tells me I can’t close the portal to Hell without staying behind in Hell, Doom 64 style, and yeah okay, as long as I get to kill the Devil, or one of the top brass of hell, the name “Mephisto” is kind of loaded and it’s hard to determine his exact rank.

Like the guy can bring Aunt May back from the dead but I’m not sure he could do it for Uncle Ben so what the fuck is he worth, anyway? *dark battle music* The final level is, for all intents and purposes, Hell itself, filled with hordes of these damn annoying gremlin things,

And I think what pisses me off about them the most is the feedback when damaging them. They look like they’re dead, but they’re not. They’re gonna get back up. I’m forced onto relatively narrow ledges, as opposed to the rest of this game when it doesn’t take place in trenches,

Where you have space to move around. Not here. You fall into a pit and you die. I can’t even see them right now because of all the fucking fire and bloom and shit. [SIMON] Damn you all! [CIVVIE] Hell looks pretty cool though. [MEPHISTO] Turn back, you insect.

Turn back or die like every fool who dared to oppose me. [SIMON] Why don’t you come down here and make me, asshole? [CIVVIE] This whole level is a bad time. Basically a straight line with a giant stingray boss thrown in for good measure.

Mephisto, on more than one occasion, sends the same two or three vampire beasts at me that require precise dodging and rocket attacks to get through, and it’s not so much a challenge as a slog. I get a little more energy when I get to the end and read my final mission objective:

“Kill the biggest bastard in the universe and get out hell once and for all!” I know the game is still about World War I in a metaphorical sense but come the fuck on. You don’t fight the Devil himself with your puny weapons, not at first, because we need another mech section!

[EDDY WALLY] Wow! [CIVVIE] If you weren’t sold on the “war is hell metaphor”, the final battle is in the trenches. In Hell. [MEPHISTO] You failed, human. Your final battle is lost. Nothing can save you now. But I am merciful. I offer you one final chance. You know you cannot leave this place.

You belong here, Simon Bukner. You are a born killer, a death-bringer! Join my infernal legion! [CIVVIE] So he does. Simon makes a deal with the Devil, a thing I wouldn’t advise based on some of the things I’ve heard about those going wrong in the past but sure, okay, fine,

He says “give humans and vampires another century to prepare “for the apocalypse and then roll everything out”. Which would put the date of the start of Armageddon to… 2016. Nope, don’t like that. We get turned into an album cover and the game is over.

“But wait, Civvie, don’t you know that the game has different endings based on the skill you play on?” YES! Funny thing though, I got the “medium” ending by playing on Normal. The bad ending is achieved by playing through on Hard and Simon becomes the lord of evil,

A vampire with an unquenchable thirst for blood, which is the most metal ending, but certainly not the happiest. There’s a prequel called Lost Company that I’m not gonna play because I don’t care. The “good” ending happens when you beat the game on Easy. You wake up two years later on the battlefield,

Diagnosed with shell shock, with no memory of what happened. God this was a weird one. But you know what they say, it’s- [ERIC IDLE] [CIVVIE] Katie, no! What have you done? No, not again! *alarms blare* *helicopter sound* Oh, you’re not even trying anymore! *end credits*